I'm Vulnerable

There's a War in Hollywood. And that war is to be right, to win, to conquer, to succeed, to prove everyone in your life who has ever doubted you wrong, to gain wealth and to be validated, among countless other things.

Replace "Hollywood" with countless other forms of validation: Family, Relationships, Work, etc. And in order to go to war we have to be impervious to pain and suffering. Or so we think. We put on our Armor and we go into Battle to Win. And in order to do that we need to be absolutely certain. When I was studying Kabbalah briefly almost a decade ago, the mantra was about absolute certainty. You need to be certain and to have extreme knowing. There was no room for doubt and very little room for vulnerability.  Like many spiritual practices, it was about the power of extreme will. The Secret is another example of this. We don't hear so much about those belief systems anymore. And they work so well in Hollywood circles because it's all about putting on that armor and going to war. It's an aggressive reaction to an aggressive environment.

But I've been listening to Dr. Brene Brown on Super Soul Sunday (you know I love it). And much of her study has been in the area of vulnerability. For me, being vulnerable is about having the courage to expose yourself and be truthful, warts and all, when it's much easier to pretend to be stronger, more successful, or smarter than you actually are in the moment. Being softer and being more exposed invites people in instead of keeping them out. If people don't know you're suffering, then they can't reach out and help. For me, practicing vulnerability has helped me have greater understanding of other people and it has encouraged patience for myself.

It's really what I've been talking about when I've talked about going to my father's hospital bed and sitting beside him. It's allowing myself to talk to him when it would be easier to not say anything because of my own fear of being rejected or pushed aside by him. I have to say that my father never once made me feel ashamed for taking care of him. He might have been angry about it or pushed back, but he never said I was weak or sad or a loser for wanting to take care of him. He never attacked me on a personal level. And in the ways he was capable of committing to vulnerability, he allowed himself to be exposed quite physically. He allowed himself to be taken care of by his son. So if I have no other proof that vulnerability makes my life better, that's the one I will hold onto forever. And it's the example that helped in changing things around for me.

I was raised to be tough. Because I'm gay and had to be ready for a fight at all times, I was trained to not let my vulnerability show. And some of that was necessary for survival. No one fucks with me. And that has been useful. But what I forgot to do was to take the armor off. Maybe I needed it so much that I couldn't take it off in my youth. But I never got the memo for when it was okay to take it off. And honestly, I encouraged the continuation of emotional warfare. Because when someone sees the armor, they also assume that there's a war going on and they put on their armor and get ready for a fight. When the armor's not on, it's a sign that it's time for peace. So I did just as much to encourage the continuation of emotional warfare as anyone else.

I've had to really practice vulnerability in my life over the past several years. I try to be as open as possible about everywhere I am in my life. I try to be truthful, even when that truth doesn't paint me as the most successful, capable,  on track person. It is vulnerable to talk about my writing process. It's vulnerable to expose myself, both when I'm incredibly productive and when I'm struggling. It's vulnerable to talk about struggling emotionally and financially. It's vulnerable to stand in my truth and be where I am right now. It's vulnerable to admit that I don't know what lies ahead of me. To not appear as the guy who has his shit together is vulnerable. I never understood why people were not coming to my aid. I never asked them to. I never shared that I was drowning. Because I, like everyone, saw vulnerability as weakness.

Now I ask for help a lot. That was hard for me. But being in a place in my life where I could be honest about who I am has made me feel less alone. Because I don't buy into this idea of having to be uber competitive and at war at all times, sometimes I feel left out of the game. But the more I see what that game is, the less interested I am in it. Now, does that mean that I can't have a career? No. Because that warfare, like I said earlier, exists everywhere. You can't escape the war mentality. So many people want to win and to be seen as winners. And the belief is that if you get yourself out of the game, then it shifts the power so that those people who believe in warfare will get what they want anyway and probably sooner since you "dropped out of the game." But what I've come to believe about myself is that I have to believe in the everyday successes.

That's where gratitude comes in. And that's where this idea of not being goal-oriented comes in. If I'm only able to feel joy when I reach a huge accomplishment or when someone acknowledges me, then most of my life is going to be pretty hard to endure. I will be in a constant state of feeling like a failure. But if I get my joy from the work I do and I get more joy from doing more work, which means that I am in charge of generating my own joy because I'm always working, then I'm always feeling satisfied. And that satisfaction and validation is self-created. Self-validation is the key for me. And because I'm working constantly and the light is always on in the workshop, then people will know where to find me. I don't need to constantly keep my eye on the clock, wondering when they're coming. It makes that outside check-in irrelevant. I'm less focused on when they're coming. And for me, my practice has been about constantly working on things. About constantly keeping the light on. And you know what, people know where to find me. I'm a writer. They know it. I have stuff to show. I have readings for them to attend and scripts for them to read.

I can't say that I wouldn't have been ready for outward success earlier in my life. There would have been a different kind of course correction happening if that was the case. But I can say that I experience success every day. I wanted to be a writer. I am. I haven't always been. But that's all I wanted. Now if I want more, I probably should focus on going beyond that. If I want money, I can get money. Does that mean other things will be sacrificed? I won't know if I don't try. But it's bad to convince myself that somehow I give up the things that I love because of that. That it's an either/or situation. Because that's a lot of message I'm telling myself as well. That because I'm not rich from writing, it means that being rich from writing is bad. No, it just means that I'm jealous. I have friends who are rich from writing. Does that make them any less? Does that mean that they "bought in" or "sold out?" No. It means that they are rich from writing. And that's all it means. If they attach something to it, then fine. But I'm not. I have my armor off. If I keep my armor on, then that becomes a battle that I don't need to fight.

I am grateful for time in the morning to think.
I am grateful for a steady flow of ideas.
I am grateful for the music in my head.
I am grateful for the state of continuous motion I am experiencing.
I am grateful for the love in my heart.
I am grateful for my ears.
I am grateful for my eyes.
I am grateful for my ability to feel.
I am grateful to know what course I am on despite the gravitational pull.
I am grateful for my choices.
I am grateful for my constantly typing fingers.

Insecurities

I just watched Carrie Brownstein on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and I thought she was really insecure and timid and utterly charming. I also was a little uncomfortable. And at times I thought, "Wow, she's so relaxed on Portlandia that this is weird." And yes, it's a little weird.

Sometimes I wonder if that's a put on thing, the insecure, awkward artist. It feels like such a relic of the 90s, where she first became famous as a member of Sleater Kinney. Artists today are so media savvy and trained and articulate. They've got a curated wardrobe and perfect hair and have this confidence that I never associated with creative people before.

I'm caught somewhere in the middle. I like being at parties. Because I like talking to people. I like learning things about people. But I also like standing back and just watching things happen. I like having my drink and standing in the back and just watching things go by. I really love that. But I also like dressing up and looking like the cool kid. I've got long hair now. That kind of makes me cool.

Actually, Colbert asked Carrie if she was cool. Just flat out, "Are you cool?" She recoiled, embarrassed by the question. She said that the answer was kind of a double edged sword. If I say yes, she said, then you'll think I'm not cool. But if I say no, she said, then you'll think I'm selling myself short. So she got out of it by saying that she's kind of cool sometimes in her own mind. That got huge applause. Which means that she answered yes without answering yes. She just proved how cool she was. And it was a bit of fishing for a complement, which is totally uncool.

But this made me think. How much of our insecurities speak to who we are? How much of those insecurities get in our way? Do they define us? Do we create a character out of them? I'm insecure way more than I'm secure in myself. I'm having an insecure day. My foot is itchy and I haven't been able to get much done today. I'm sitting in bed and typing this blog post pretending that I'm actually getting writing done.  It does feel nice in a way.

But I watch people I know feign this insecurity and I wonder how much of that is Carrie Brownstein's answer to "Are you cool?" It's fishing for a complement, which still makes you both cool and uncool at once. It's weird.

To me, everyone is cooler than me. I never look right. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I was about 30% cooler than I am. Maybe I would reach more of my potential then. Maybe if I had tighter jeans and shinier shoes and perfect hair, I could do more in the world. Maybe if everyone wanted to have sex with me and I had six pack abs and I always had fresh breath I would get more jobs. Maybe if I lived somewhere else, I'd be better appreciated. Maybe if I had made that other choice…

But I guess that's my insecurities coming out.

I am grateful for that which makes me vulnerable.
I am grateful for awkward pauses.
I am grateful quiet afternoons.
I am grateful for good friends.
I am grateful for walks.

A Waste of Time

It always feels like there's something to be worried about.

Whether it's money or relationships or work or productivity or the bigger life questions, I can usually get attached to stress about one thing or another. Or many things all at once. I've made it a mission in the past year or so to deal with my anxiety. I try to be nicer to myself. I try to have patience. I meditate. I spend a lot of quiet time alone.

That has been a big shift. I spend a lot of time alone. I try to keep all noise--literal and figurative--away from me as much as possible. I have found that I really don't like the noise all that much any more. And I'm better off for not having it around.

Yet, even when I've reached that perfect state of Zen tranquility, I'll get on Facebook or I'll get an email or I'll have a conversation with someone I know. And then I listen to their anxiety. Hey, I realize that my friends have the right to be worried and to complain. I want to be there for that. And I'm normally happy to do so. But I wonder what else we could all be doing if we spent a little less time worrying.

I've tried to implement that philosophy in my life, which is why I spend a lot of time alone. I find that the greatest obstacle to getting work done is anxiety and fear. I'm a fast writer. Last week, I wrote 36 pages in a day. I also wrote a ten page play. I wrote ten new pages of a play I had started the week before, when I wrote 19 pages. When I get to work, the work happens quickly. But it's usually about the weeks I spent worrying about whether the idea was good enough. Or when I was afraid to start. Or when I just wanted to eat or be distracted or masturbate or do something other than write. I accept that a lot of writing is filled with both low-grade and high-grade anxiety. And when I do other things, I try to be fully engaged in them so that my focus is on where I am at and not at where I'd rather be. That's the source of anxiety. I'm doing something but I really should be doing this other things that's due and I shouldn't waste my time.

But if I'm loving masturbation or loving watching The Real Housewives then I'm not wasting time. I'm engaged in an activity that has a purpose. That purpose could be laughter or ejaculation or distraction. But it's important to give those activities importance and focus as well. I find that it's necessary to disengage from parts of my life sometimes and just enjoy other parts. Then I have no anxiety about it. I'm happy where I am, even when it's wasting time. That's what I'd like to think I think most of the time. I'm successful more often than not these days, but even that has taken years. I try and trust in the fact that when I work, I work quickly.

But this new phenomenon has taken hold lately. I have a lot more anxiety in the form of depression when I finish something. When I should be taking a break, I feel sad. I just want to curl up and not talk to anyone. I'm short tempered. I'm nasty. I'm not fun to be around. I have a temperamental fit. It's ugly. And it usually lasts a few days. I had a reading of a new play last month. And in the four to five days afterwards, after an eight month process, I was so hard on myself. I instantly felt like a loser. Like I hadn't been productive. Like I was wasting my time. Every negative feeling about myself I could feel, I felt. And I'm self-aware enough to know that's not a good thing. As much as I try not to engage in that spiral, it had its grasp on me. It was really awful. And that feeling seems to be getting worse.

I'm getting better at feeling balanced in most other areas of my life, but that was a high-grade anxiety experience. The romantic artist in me says that it's because I care so much or because I put so much work into the play or because the play was the best thing I had ever written. That's the myth, right? That art cuts you open and makes you suffer and then you need to let yourself heal. And I believe that one has to give something of themselves. Absolutely. And maybe it just is the relationship that we have to our work. It's the act of creation. And when someone gives birth, they have a post partum experience. They're also cut open. They have also given up a lot of energy and just need to rest. And the depression comes up just because they're so tired. But that doesn't make the emotional reaction any easier to deal with.

I try to be the optimist because that feels better than depression. I try to focus where I need to focus. I try to make work a daily thing. SO that it doesn't feel precious or special. It feels routine and something that just happens every day. The more special it feels, the greater the loss when it's not there. Every day is not a trip to Disneyland. But it's a work in progress for me. The thing that seems to be working is more work. And it could be just a little each day until I work up to being fully productive again. But even that has an ebb and a flow. I guess I need to get better at riding the wave.

I am grateful for the generosity of friends.
I am grateful for the people who hold me accountable.
I am grateful for love and well-wishers.
I am grateful for a daily practice of work.
I am grateful for the constantly productivity.
I am grateful for the creative habit.

Self-Assessment for Somebody Else

I've been doing all of these new play development program submissions over the past month. Inevitably, they ask some sort of similar question regarding how you think your background qualifies you for something. Or how you view the world. Or what themes do you visit in your work. Ordinarily, I'd rather leave those questions up to someone who's looking at my work from the outside. Someone who isn't me has a better idea of how things track in my work. Do I see similarities in my work? Depends. I see stages in where I visit some of the same things and then I move on to other things. I don't think I was writing the same stuff at 22 as I did in grad school as I did after grad school as I did five years ago.

I'm applying for a certain program that has asked me two significant questions that ask me to access myself and my work. I wrote some answers down, but I figured I'd do some stream of consciousness writing on each question and see if anything falls out. I have a day to do that today where I'm not trying to rush out an answer so I can get it all done.

Themes in my work

When I was younger I wrote about things that happened to me. Then I started writing about things I found funny. And then I started writing about things that felt important, subjects that would position me as a serious minded person. I often wrote beyond my ability because I felt that's where I should be writing. I was young and had a young person's concerns, yet I knew I lived in an adult world and that adults would want me to take something seriously. If I knew then what I know now, I would have stuck with the frivolous and given myself a break. Because now I do write about things that are more serious because my world is a bigger place, I've been on this planet longer and I have more empathy than I did when I was young. I have noticed that I write about death a lot more since my Dad died. I never had anyone die in a play or any discussion of death in plays before he died. But then afterwards I became concerned with issues of regret, mortality, legacy and my concerns became a parent's concern. What kind of world are we leaving behind? How does death define us? I still do it funny. I still do it irreverently. But I'm not afraid to let a character die any more. My work is becoming more fundamental, meaning it's more about fundamental things. The latest play that I just started is about sex and death.

Vision for the Theatre

Theatre's like organized religion. It's a place where like-minded people come together to have their beliefs reinforced and validated. It's exclusive. It represents one belief system and that belief system is about fifty years behind the times.

Theatre needs to be more spiritual. It needs to take what works instead of being afraid of it. It needs to change with the times, much like the Catholic Church got more modern to reach out to a new demographic after Vatican II. It needs to be inclusive, rather than exclusive. It needs to include many traditions. Just like there are different names for God, there are different words for Story. Theatre needs to be in service of truth, humanity, and it needs to be in service of the people. Yes, some theatre is this way. But the institution itself has to change in greater, irrevocable ways.

And in order for the institution of theatre to take many types of theatre, it needs to employ tastemakers from different experiences and backgrounds. Artistic directors and literary managers need to be people of color and playwrights and artists that engage in the theatre as it exists now. The tastemakers need to be more inclusive, rather than exclusive, coming from different backgrounds. 

Why do you write plays?

I write plays because I'm interested. I write plays because it's essential to who I am. I write plays because they explain who I am because those experiences are in me. I write plays to entertain. I write plays to interact with the audience and alert their senses. And because of that my plays are interesting, essential, personal, entertaining, interactive and lingering. I used to write plays to prove how smart I am, how important I am, and how right I am. And while I've moved past that, I needed that entitlement to speak up while my capacity for empathy was catching up to my level of skill.

How would this opportunity benefit me my career as a playwright?

I've been writing plays consistently since graduate school. And I've been writing plays to prove things to myself. But recently I had an opportunity to present a new idea to a theatre company of something I was thinking of writing. They liked the idea and gave me the chance to write that play from scratch with their guidance and support, which came in the form of a dramaturg, actors, a director, and deadlines for three readings (two internal and one public) and a workshop. Eight months and several drafts later, I had the play that I sent in with my application. Now I realize the value of having not only the resources and the stamp of approval, but also the deadlines and the guidance of an organization over a period of time. Eight months is a long time to commit to a writer on a consistent basis. And the schedule was rigorous. But that level of trust really set me free. The artistic director said to me that he was the most interested in the marriage of the subject matter (school shooting drills) and me. And he said this to me before I wrote one word. 

Having three years of trust and resources will set me free. Having that association with the Playwrights Center helps on a number of levels. Right now, I don't have a theatre agent, so my relationship with theaters and play development entities is essential. I'm a person who likes to focus on the work. Even though I can find space, actors, a director, make copies of page, schedule rehearsals and handle the logistics of getting a play seen and heard, my work only gets better faster if I focus all of my energies on the work itself and not the logistics. 

On a business level, I need the visibility that comes with this association. I need people I can call and ask for advice. I need a community of artists outside of Los Angeles. I believe my work can stand up to scrutiny on a national and regional level. I became an exponentially better writer in eight months because of the support of a small LA theatre. The possibility of writing better plays and engaging with the process on a deeper level by having the support of a large play development organization for three years would be a thrill beyond words. And it would have a significant effect on my career.

I'm using these artistic statements as an opportunity to solidify what I believe about my work. It's advertising and coaxing. I have to write these statements to get people excited about me. It's like erotic fiction. I have to turn them on enough to do something about it.

I am grateful for the questions.
I am grateful for the chance to talk about myself.
I am grateful for the opportunity to solidify my beliefs.
I am grateful for the thought process.
I am grateful for the excitement that wells up in me.

Bad Taste

I remember having all sorts of judgment when I would meet a writer and they would tell me that they didn't have a manager or agent. I would think, "Well, they can't be that good." And I haven't had representation for a year and a half. I decided that I need to reclaim myself as a writer after having given myself up to other people so they could tell me what was good writing and what was right for me. I realize now that--for me--those people didn't know what was in my best interest. In some cases, they didn't even have great taste. And it's not about being unintelligent or bad. But if your taste doesn't align with my taste, then it's not great taste. It's not a judgment call. But if I'm a writer and you represent me, I need you to believe that what I'm doing is great. Otherwise, it's all bad taste.

Frankly, that's the way that all of us should feel. I'm a smart guy. I read a lot. I take in a lot of information: online articles, news, TV, film, theatre. I've cultivated a certain taste in my years on this earth. At this point in my life, my writing has achieved a certain professional quality. I honestly wasn't a very good writer when I was under the supervision of these representatives. Because I wasn't being true to myself. At a certain point, that ability began to atrophy. I was typing a lot of things and calling it writing. Even my plays started not being that great. And that was always my "thing."

But then a series of events happened. I went away on a spiritual retreat for a weekend and took some drugs. My senses were opened and then I went to an art exhibit at the Getty. My mind just started making connections without fear or interference. I had a complicated play structured in about three days. Then I had my break up. I picked that play up nine months later. And I put together a workshop. I realized what I could do again in that three week workshop.  And even before all of that happened, I wrote three really mediocre plays in about six months. I had to get my sea legs again. And once I had them, this play came out of me.

But nothing really happened with it, other than a few readings locally. Then I wrote another play that I thought would do something. That play didn't. I wrote another play that I felt kind of blah about. But it was an idea I was excited about. And that play has gotten some attention. It has gotten some readings, etc. Then I embarked on a new play this year. I had an intensive eight month process. I fully engaged with my instincts for eight months. None of that could have happened if I had people with bad taste whispering in my ear.

If you're trying to become a TV staff writer, it's not a good business strategy to spend eight months working on one play for free without the promise of anything other than a final staged reading. But for me, I couldn't stop. I love this play. I love what it's about. I love how I wrote it. I am excited about it. I tried to write other things while working on the play. But I couldn't. And it's not because I can't write two or three things at once. Right now, I'm working on a new pilot while writing a new play. And last week, while I was working on both back and forth, I snuck in a new ten minute play for a theatre company (that I'm also going to send to the National 10 minute Play Contest). I also have a re-imagining of a play I wrote last year waiting in the wings. All of these things I plan on getting done by the end of the year. See, I don't have a problem multi-tasking or being "productive." But the play would not let go of me and I trusted that told me everything about what I needed to be working on. And the end result pleased me greatly.

I've noticed a shift in my thinking. I used to think so strategically. Like…if I do this and this then THAT great big thing that I want to happen will happen. I used to think it was all in my control. And while I now realize that was a silly thought, it forced me to learn about things I didn't know. I became better informed about the business. But like they say in acting…do all of your research and preparation then throw it all way and just do the scene

That's now how I'm living my life. I'm just throwing it all away and doing the scene. I've done as much preparation as one can do. So now all I have to do is just concentrate on the work because I know everything I need to know.

I am grateful for this dimly lit room at the library.
I am grateful to have a private study room to myself.
I am grateful for Jeremy Jordan's rendition of "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" for its mixture of earnest, honest great singing and irony.
I am grateful for books.
I am grateful for 90 minute conversations with my best friend of 31 years.
I am grateful for what is new.
I am grateful for what I know.
I am grateful for the sun.
I am grateful for laughter.
I am grateful for quiet.

All Roads Lead to Rome

I have a lot of successful friends. That's what happens when you roll with a hard working crew. And everyone has a different story for how they "made it." The truth is that no one ever feels like they've made it. It's a constant climb and once you reach one level of success, you realize that there are even further levels to go.

It's funny how we can all look at each other with envy and covet what the other person has. The grass is always greener. I remember working in an entertainment office and watching writer after writer land staff jobs and development deals and get their shows picked up. I would be so jealous because that's exactly where I wanted to be. It was difficult to sit there every day and answer phones, knowing that the dreams I had for myself were coming true for them. It was torture.

It has been said that as a culture we need to redefine success. That's sometimes hard to do when you see people getting richer. But for me, it all comes down to the life I want to be living. Of course, I want to push myself constantly. I don't want to stay in one place. But it's important to be happy at where you're at. Or at least appreciate it. If you don't know how far you've come, how will you know that you need to keep pushing? For me, it's very practical. I don't want to live in a place of constant unhappiness.

Not that I live in a place of constant happiness either. I live in this place of being hopeful, but there's always that part of me that feels like I'm not good enough. That part pushes me sometimes. And other times, it punishes me. I try to manage both. The thing I have to remember that there are many ways to get to where I'm going. So just because one person won a contest and another person got a job as a writer's assistant and another person happened to meet a show runner at a party, that doesn't mean that it's going to happen for me that way.

I decided at the beginning of last year that I wanted to develop the skills it took to be on staff. I could take a job as a writer's assistant (but even those are hard to come by), however that would prepare me for the hours of the job but it wouldn't allow me time to actually get the kind of writing done that I'd need to get done. I'm not the kind of person who believes you need to be a writer's assistant first. It helps in certain ways and it gives you access. And that's helpful. But working 12-14 hour days makes it harder to get writing done.

So I decided to just start writing and to see how much writing I could get done in a year. My goal was going to be productivity. By June, I had written three scripts. I had written a play, a pilot and a spec script. At that point, the Universe opened up an opportunity through a friend of mine to have an office. At first, I thought it was because I had the office that I got so much work done. And that was true in the moment. I had a place to go to every day. I was living the life of a writer who had a set schedule and showed up. It was so important to really get me going. Then I had to give the office up. But not before I had finished five scripts in nine months.

I started this year knowing I had an opportunity to work on a new play with a theatre company out here in LA. I decided to just work on the play from February to September. I wanted to work on the pilot I had to rewrite. I wanted to do other things, but I kept coming back to this play. And I wrote about ten drafts of it with the help of readings, dramaturges, actors, directors, etc. I thought that 2014 was about productivity and that 2015 was about working on one project and focus. Yes, it was about that. But now I realize that 2014 was about productivity alone. And 2015 was about productivity with support from other artists. Yes, I worked mainly on one project the whole year. But yesterday, I finished a new pilot script. And today, I'm sitting down to work on two projects simultaneously that feed each other. So if I get this TV script done this week and the play done by the end of the year, I will have four scripts written this year. And if I do the revamp of last year's pilot, which is basically a complete redraft, that will make it five. Now I realize that all of last year's work has developed that productivity muscle in me to the point where I've even worked harder this year. Even though I only had "one script" as of last week, the amount of drafts that I had done and the amount of work I had done amounted to more than I got done in nine months. And I got that script done in eight months. I'm getting faster, stronger, better, more efficient, more creative, and deeper in less time.

So all of that prepares me to write scripts under deadline. The next goal is to get representation by the end of the year. I have these scripts I've written that are strong and showcase me as a writer. Now I need to get a team of people to send my work out. But I can't do that without the material. I've taken these two years to get material together, to get my confidence in my writing together and really to become a different writer.

When I moved to LA, I wanted to be a comedy writer. I had encouragement from teachers at NYU and I thought that was the path for me. I locked into this idea about myself. Then someone told me that my humor would better serve me if I was a drama writer. At the time, I didn't think my work was deep enough to do that. I always hid behind what I thought were my comedy skills because I didn't want to go deep with the work. I had a barrier: fear. As I wrote more material that became serious, I began to see how I could be a one hour writer. Then as I've had life tragedies: a dysfunctional relationship and break up and my father died. That forced me to be a lot deeper than I thought I could be. And I just wrote a political drama. I never thought I would be able to do that. And I did it my way.

My friend Darin told me that he wanted to see what kind of play I would write about school shootings. That gave me the confidence to write a play with humor about something tragic. I never would have had that confidence if someone didn't just open the door a little bit. And if I had a full time job this year, I wouldn't have been able to write that play in the way I wrote it. I have to appreciate where I am at and the road I am on. If I spent all of my time complaining that I don't have a regular day job, then I wouldn't spend focused time writing. And because I spend all of my time writing, I get all the validation I need. Eventually, I'll get to where I want to get to. But if I worry about how long it's taking to get there, then I'll drive myself crazy and maybe even get off the road. But if I just look at what's in front of me, eventually I'll look up and be where I was headed.

So today I need to remind myself that this is the right path. And I need to remember it tomorrow and next week and next month and six months from now and next year. And the years after that.

I am grateful for now.

I am grateful for Mary J Blige on repeat.

I am grateful for fast, active typing fingers.

I am grateful that I got a pilot written in two weeks.

I am grateful that I've got ideas.

I am grateful I've got a lot going on.

I am grateful for a workspace.

I am grateful for a full tummy.

I am grateful for great friends who remind me.

I am grateful for love and support in my life from all angles.

Juggling Projects

I juggle a lot of things at once. I like the idea of being productive.

Keeping busy keeps me happy. Not having anything to do depresses me.

It took me a while to figure this out. But, as I've said before, taking breaks is a hard concept for me. I prefer to be constantly busy. But that's just not physically possible. We all need breaks. It's human. But I don't think of myself as human. I think all artists think they're capable of impossible tasks. They can write plays in a single bound! They're more powerful than the need to sleep. It's just not possible.

So I spent nine months working on one play. And now in the final three months of the year, I think I can write countless scripts. I'm zeroing in on one pilot. I've written 26 pages of a new play and I'll be writing that throughout the rest of the year. I also had this brilliant idea that I'd write a pilot this week. A different pilot. We'll see if that gets done. If it does, then I'll have four scripts by the end of the year. But this will be it for new scripts this year. If I have two new pilots this month (that's crazy), then I have rewrites to do on everything else. That is all I will be doing for the rest of the year. And technically, this rewritten script will be a reimagining of a script I wrote last year. So I'd still count that as five scripts this year. Like I did last year.

But there will be nothing else that will be new that will be added to that pile. I will then spend all of November and all of December rewriting and rewriting and rewriting. Technically, I will have done more writing this year than last year even though I had fewer scripts. That's because I have probably written about ten drafts of the play I wrote this year. And even having written that one script many times, that probably eclipses what I wrote last year. And that's wonderful and super and amazing.

But I like to challenge myself. I would like to have more polished scripts this year because I plan on sending things out to agents and managers by the end of the year. That's why having two polished one hour dramas will be good. That will add to the three plays I have no problem sending out. And the two other fresh pilots I can send out. That should be plenty of material to nab an agent or manager.

I just have to manage the many ups and downs of emotions that I go through in a single day. I started out the day totally depressed. Then I wrote 13 pages and I feel better. It makes me feel like more is possible. I'm trying to write as much of the rest of this pilot tonight to see if I can make myself feel AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING. I'm in a constant (Amazing) race with myself. I feel like I'm running marathon after marathon, just trying to improve my PR.

One of the jobs I want is TV staff writer. That job is all about writing under deadline and writing fast and furiously. I feel like I am building the stamina for that. That was the mission last year and that mission was even more accomplished this year. I see friends who take off in the TV space because they've got that sort of stamina. It's important. You have to start catching up to that speed and then you need to blast past everyone else with the producing skills. That kind of work excites me. But it's about something different than what I'm doing now which is purely creative work on my own time frame. And that's wonderful too. But there are other skill sets I'd like to build. I'd like to be able to write on that sort of furious TV deadline and I'd like the production experience. That stuff's exciting to me.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given.
I am grateful for the time to write freely.
I am grateful for the ability to take that time and make it a master class.
I am grateful to be working harder and harder every year.
I am grateful for the opportunity to constantly reinforce to the Universe and everyone I know that I am a writer first and foremost.
I am grateful for my ability to put my heart on a page.
I am grateful for good friends. 
I am grateful for a remarkable boyfriend.
I am grateful for fun and love in my life.

Sitting Down and Forgetting

Getting butts in seats. That seems to be an age old goal of promoters and producers trying to get people to attend their shows. But the same can be said for a writer who has to get into the same chair every day, even if there isn't a guaranteed paycheck at the end of the tunnel. Or a lot of accolades.

But the thrill of accolades are a myth. I think that you still get in that chair the next day after winning a big prize or getting a big paycheck and you still think, "Fuck. How am I going to do it today?" It's that proverbial blank page. And it's real cute when you're in school and professors are trying to motivate you and they talk about staring at the blank page. But it's scary when you actually have to look at a blank page and go, "What now?"

I had a successful reading last month. And none of that matters because I still have to go and write the next thing. Even coming from a healthy and whole place of just wanting to attach to the success of the work and not the outside appreciation of the work, I always feel like shit in the days after finishing something. Because it's done and you need to do it again. You need to start from scratch and come up with another idea. And even when I'm not clawing at trying to find a new idea, even when I have a new idea that I'm just waiting to start, it's difficult. I don't remember the thrill of people coming up to me and telling me how much they liked my work. And maybe that's a good thing. It keeps me pushing and keeps me out of the place of seeking that feeling again. I behave as if I'm just starting over again.

I never think I can do it. Isn't that an insane process to put myself through? I never think I can create something. I guess that means I don't go in over confident. But I go in with no confidence. I'm assuming that's probably not good either. I've sent everything off for this play. All of the play development folks have it. I sent it to some theaters. It's the best thing I've written thus far. It has everything going for it. But now what happens is not up to me. I truly am just happy and grateful that I wrote it and that it's effective and smart. I love that it's also funny.

It was also affirming that I brought in 20 pages of something new to my writer's group on Saturday and the first reaction from the moderator was that he wanted to play the lead role. It was a juicy, meaty part. And he wanted in. He's not a brown person, so he can't play the part in life. But that was a complement to me and to what I'm trying to write that he liked it so much. I've been quiet in that writer's group because I've been writing my other play and I didn't want to bring any of those pages into this group.  I didn't need the extra feedback from yet another group of people. So to hear such a strong positive reaction was a thrill.

But that thrill is gone. Today. Three days later. I've only written five pages since then. I'm trying to figure out a pilot version of this script to get into Fox by Friday for a contest. I have nothing of that written. I'm just as scared as I've always been. I'm thankful that people like the work, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't let me rest on any laurels because I think that there's still so much work to do. The pressure's still on.

And this play is so much more deep and personal in terms of my own life. The other play was deep and personal about school shootings. This is a more intimate affair. I'm writing about events that actually took place and shaped the past few years of my life. I've never put myself in a play. That feels risky and scary. But I have to take the risk. I don't like repeating myself. I don't like feeling like I'm just doing another version of the last play I wrote. That would make me so sad. It's to my detriment in a way that I make it a clear goal to write so differently from the last play I wrote. There's no definitive style there. There's no apparent brand or formula. I prefer it that way. I see writers who write the same way over and over again and I think they get bored. Because it's a law of diminishing returns, in my mind anyway.

But it's so weird to forget what you do well. It's so weird to feel like you're starting from scratch every time. It's weird that I put myself through it. It's sad that I put everyone close to me through it because I have that classic archetypal artistic temperament.  I'm moody. I need quiet. I don't want to be talked to. I get very withdrawn. But that's the way of the writer. In my non-writer life, I'm happy and excited and talkative.  But when I'm writing I need solitude. Not everyone understands that. And I've found that without those conditions, the writing doesn't happen in the same way. That's just the way that I am. It's not the way that everyone is.

But here I am just typing words and thoughts down on a computer screen in order to get started. This is also the process…

I am grateful for the process.
I am grateful for my temperament.
I am grateful for the words.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful for patient and loving people in my life.
I am grateful for love and tranquility.

Worthiness

When my brother and I were going through my Dad's things when he was dying, we came across a Certificate of Achievement from Loyola High School, the high school I went to. The certificate was given to me as an 8th Grader and it said that I scored in the top 1% of everyone who applied to go to the school that year on the entrance exam.

I remember when I saw that certificate. I was shocked. Either I didn't remember receiving it or my parents kept it from me. Either way, I wasn't living the life that someone that smart should be living. I often downplayed my intelligence or I just thought I wasn't that smart. Ever since then, I've been determined to live that person's life. Not that I thought that meant I should be rich or famous or anything that requires luck. I wanted to live with the understanding that I am capable and worthy.

And slowly over the past three or four years, I have been getting there. However, there are moment that come along that remind me to reconnect to that top one-percenter.

I just had a play reading about three weeks ago of a new play that I have been working on since February. The play has had many readings and different incarnations. My team, including my dramaturg and director, had been working their asses off to get this reading together. Casting, coordinating, rewriting, rehearsing…so much went into making sure that the reading went over well. And it did. All of that hard work paid off.

Yet at the reading it was really incredible to hear people say such positive things. I told people after the reading that I didn't see my work up there, but the work that everyone put in. And that's a very generous and nice thing to say. But I have to ask myself, why didn't I see my work up there? I worked hard. But maybe that I meant was that I didn't see the personal achievement, but I saw all the work it took to get there.

So my play's about training students for a potential school shooting through training drills. It's a serious topic. It's relevant. I believe I honor the seriousness of the subject, while at the same time pointing out that what we're doing is creating anxiety, fear and potentially more violence. Because of the relevance of these themes and the quality of the work, I feel that the play has the potential to touch people and to get produced many places. And I was on board with applying everywhere and just sending it out into the Universe.

Then the school shooting in Oregon happened last week. And my feelings about the play's relevance started to change. Here was a fresh school tragedy, one that I warn about in my play. So now does that mean that I'm capitalizing on tragedy because now my play has greater relevance? I have been struggling with the feeling that I'm benefiting in some way. That has not kept me from talking about the play or Facebooking links to relevant articles or sending it out. It's true that the recent events will make the topic seem more current. Theatres might be looking for a play about school shootings. My play also takes place in Oregon. I even heard from a theatre that wanted to read my play because they are looking for plays that speak to this subject.

As an artist, I want my work to speak to people. I want it to speak to a lot of people. And I want it to matter. When I write, I write because I want it to mean something. Everyone has difficult relationships, or neglectful parents or resentment or countless other general experiences in common. I've written plays about all of these things. My big goal is that the story connects. And now I have a story that is already connecting, yet somehow I feel that's exploitative.

So I go back to this feeling of worthiness. That my first instinct when something positive happens is to retreat and not stand out. I have to unpack that.

This play has taught me so much in terms of my own worthiness. I've stood up for myself and my work more than any time I can recall before this. I've had to put my foot down and push for the things I know the play needs. That has not always resulted in the kindest conversations. But I believe in the message of this play and I believe in all of my collaborators. My voice raising was only in support of the team. It was never for personal gain or personal ego-inflating. And you know what? Every time I raised my voice, the play got better. The play benefitted from me bringing issues to people's attention. As my voice got firmer and stronger and more assertive, my play got better. I protected it. So I'm no longer afraid of standing up for myself firmly and assertively. I do have to check my ego. But as long as I'm not on an ego trip, standing firm works.

I also have to stand firm in the realization that my play is about something important. It's not just personal any more. It's public in the best possible sense. So if the play speaks to people, if it gets produced, if it gets awards, if it gets me contest money, if it takes me places, if it gets me into New Dramatists or the Playwrights Center, if it gets me a teaching job, if it gets me a TV job or a development deal or a script deal or an agent or a manager, it will be because what I did was say something about something that needed to be said in the way I said it. This play restored some balance in the world and was a message the world needed to receive. Those things won't make me feel better than anyone else. With this play in particular, it's the message that needs to be carried forth and I'm the lucky guy who be the messenger of that message. It's humbling more than anything else.

So now I just have to write the next script with that same worthiness. That's the key to the things I want in my life.

I am grateful for knowing I am worthy.
I am grateful for popsicles.
I am grateful to see good friends achieve great things.
I am grateful for my own accomplishments.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful for the proliferation of ideas.
I am grateful that the well still has not run dry.