Closing Out Q2

It has been a productive first half of 2016.

The second quarter of the year has brought about some welcome surprises. I joined a theatre company. I taught and staged an evening of ten minute plays for my students. And I was asked to develop a series.

I didn't get some of the things done I thought I was going to get done. But it was a crazy productive time.

Just challenging myself to something new each month has brought about some welcome surprises. Sometimes the intention of something brings about more than you thought you wanted.

A couple of weeks ago, I met a psychic who told me I was going to be busier than I ever imagined. All I can do is continue to do the work in front of me. I have a pilot to finish that hopefully I can work on before the end of the month.

Then July is going to be about finishing the play for my workshop in August and the start of production on our show. I'm going to be involved in production when the show starts shooting, which is going to be a tremendous learning experience.

I'm super excited about the work I'll be doing with the theatre company and the aspects I'll be learning in getting ready for this workshop. All I can do is stay busy and productive. Right now the things that are exciting me are working on this new play and trying to get this other play produced. I'm excited about the prospect of creating a show, so I'm really into getting that developed. I'm falling in love with the characters the more I get to know them and as I'm working on their story. Going to my high school reunion brought me back to that place of my high school experience. These kids are living in such a different world than I grew up in. There's such knowledge and acceptance  that wasn't there when I was growing up. And at the same time, I had a brotherhood that had my back no matter what. I was reminded of that last night.

The psychic also told me that I had a community of people who admired me. I didn't realize that the community he was talking about extended back in time as well. I'm building such an incredible community now, but it's also this brotherhood I've had all along since Loyola. I'm blessed.

I am grateful for my community.
I am grateful for my brotherhood.
I am grateful for the gifts bestowed upon me.
I am grateful for reunions.

What I Learned on My Whole 30 That I Can Apply to My Non-Eating Life

I don't spend a lot of times on these titles. I guess it's because I'm mainly writing this blog for myself. I don't really advertise it. It's just the place for me to get my thoughts out and for me to warm up to writing for the day.

I did this program called Whole 30 from mid-May to mid-June. It's basically Paleo with a few adjustments. But I went off of grains, booze, sugars, dairy and legumes for 30 days. The basic lowdown is that I felt lighter (probably lost some weight, but haven't weighed myself), breath was fresher, mood was more even, and I was more conscious about what I was eating. Here are the changes I noticed:

1. Fewer blemishes/glowing skin - people told me I looked "healthier"
2. Longer, stronger nails - I did notice my nails grew faster
3. Brighter eyes - probably
4. Fresher breath
5. Flatter stomach
6. Leaner appearance
7. Clothes fitting better
8. Less bloating
9. More defined muscle tone
10. Less joint swelling
11. Looking younger
12. Feeling more confident in your appearance
13. Healthier gums
14. Less stiff joints
15. Less stomach pain
16. Less diarrhea - NO diarrhea
17. Less gas - mostly - less smelly gas, but I did notice more gas towards the second half
18. Happier
19. More patient
20. More optimistic
21. Less anxious
22. Less stressed
23. Handle stress better - I had a blow out on the freeway on Sunday coming home from Sonoma and didn't freak out when it took AAA two hours to get to me
24. Fewer mood swings
25. Fewer sugar cravings
26. Fewer carb cravings
27. Less reliance on the scale
28. Feeling in control of your food
29. Improved attention span
30. Improved performance at job
31. Clearer thinking
32. Higher productivity
33. Sleep more soundly
34. Awaken feeling refreshed
35. Energy levels are more even
36. More energy in the morning
37. No longer need to eat every two hours
38. No longer get cranky if you don't eat
39. Feel energetic between meals
40. Can exercise longer, harder or faster
41. Feel more athletic
42. Recover more effectively from exercise
43. Healthier relationship with food
44. Practicing mindful eating - this happened without me trying, I just eat slower
45. Learned how to read a label
46. Know which foods make you more healthy or less healthy
47. Eat to satiety
48. Listening to your body
49. No longer afraid of dietary fat
50. Don't use food for comfort - working on that
51. Don't use food as a reward
52. Don't use food as a punishment
53. Don't use food as stress management
54. No longer a slave to sugar and carbs
55. Know the difference between hunger and cravings
56. Fewer cravings
57. Healthy coping strategies to deal with cravings
58. More variety, color, vitamins and minerals in your diet
59. No more food guilt or shame
60. No more binging
61. When you do indulge, it's deliberate
62. When you do indulge, you savor it
63. More knowledgeable about nutrition
64. New cooking skills
65. New recipes
66. Meal prep is organized and efficient
67. Maximize your food budget - spent less money because I wasn't going out, so I had more money to spend on better quality food
68. Created other health goals
69. Healthy eating habits have made your family closer
70. People ask what you're doing differently

Wow. That's a list of 70 improvements - and that's not all the improvements listed in the Whole 30 book. I've made 70 changes in 30 days. That's productive. This seems to work for me. I spend time prepping my food so I appreciate what I'm eating. I also make time for the ritual of food preparation and I utilize every part of the chicken I roast - turning it into bone broth as well. In only 30 days, I have changed the way I look at food and therefore, myself. I'm not dependent on the program, either. I have friends who are worried at what's going to happen to them when they get off of it. I saw all of these changes, but the most remarkable confirmation of success is the changes I didn't feel because I was already implementing a lot of these things.  I gave up caffeine five years ago, which has really helped my energy level and my level of anxiety. I've slowly started making more and more healthy changes in my lifestyle as a result of that one change. So I didn't have the intense withdrawals that a lot of my friends experienced on Whole 30. I got rid of that a long time ago. 

All right. So how does this apply to my non-eating life? I have a high pressured career - and when I'm less anxious, it makes things easier. I get to projects quicker. I have more of an attitude of - let's just get this stuff done. I don't fret over so many things before I get down to the business of writing. I used to worry about everything to the point that I'd waste so much time worrying and spend less time writing. I'd have way more energy gaps because of the soda I'd have to "reward" myself. Or the burger I ate to congratulate myself. If I'm going to spend $15 or $20 on a reward, I'd rather it be going to the spa or doing something cultural like going to a museum or a movie. Or spending that money once a month on my HBO Now subscription. I'm thinking more about how to enrich myself. 

I look for the places where I have empty calories in my life. That soda is empty calories. Doing something that's not enriching to my life is empty calories. But if I spend my time and money doing things that enrich me, then those nutrients carry me through and give me inspiration to do my work. Or they give me the proper rest and clear-headedness to get my shit done. Looking at my diet and where I'm wasting calories has made me look at my life and see where I'm wasting time and effort. I also take the time to prepare my creative mise en place. To make a meal, you have to prepare and cut the vegetables and get the spices out and have all of your ingredients ready. To write a script, you have to do the same thing. Some of that preparation is making lists, journaling, research, outlining, figuring out the story beats, writing a series bible, etc. Sometimes that preparation is short. Sometimes that preparation takes more time. When you're creating a series from scratch, you're making your own cheese, mayonnaise, ketchup, butter, spice blends, etc. So it's not just a matter of buying the ingredients and measuring them out. A lot of stuff is built from scratch. And that takes more time. I forget that. And I get hard on myself when I can't turn something around in two seconds. I have to replenish the supply. I have to go out and get the ingredients. I have to let those ingredients grow before I pick them off the plant. That's not being a temperamental artist. That's being a person who can't just have constant output without any input. 

So I'm learning patience. We want to just grab the roast chicken in the deli section of the Vons. We don't want to pick a chicken, take it home, wash it, dry it, fill it with lemon, spices, onions, herbs, celery and then season it and then put it in the oven and wait 1 hour and 15 minutes for it to come out. Then cool down. Then cut it into pieces and THEN eat it. We want to grab the chicken take it home and pull it apart. You can't eat a raw chicken without getting sick. The funny thing is that by the time you do all of that work and then do other work - like writing in a journal blog - while your chicken is cooking - before you know it the chicken is done and ready. Time is fluid. It takes all of the time it takes. But when you're productive you don't remember that time because you're filling your time occupied with being productive, so it passes quickly. And then you move on. That's a lesson I relearn every day. Because my natural inclination is for instant gratification. And I get mad and moody and upset when that instant gratification doesn't happen. And that's what wastes my time. I have a lot of shit going on. I need to be more patient with myself.

So in addition to that list of 70 things, I'm sure I could add more improvements like:

1. More patience
2. More gratitude for the time it takes to make things great
3. Greater appreciation
4. More productivity
5. More stillness and peace
6. Greater capacity for acceptance
7. Satisfaction of accomplishment
8. Knowledge that I am taking care of myself
9. Awareness that my time is well spent
10. Sense of usefulness
11. Planning
12. Sense of accomplishment

I'm sure there are more things to talk about. But my chicken is done and waiting for me to tear it apart. And I have to head to the library to begin the next part of my day, which is reading some scripts. I feel like I've accomplished so much already this morning. I made breakfast. I made a roast chicken. I'm about to make some broth. And I wrote this blog.

I am grateful for the 82 (and counting) lessons from this Whole 30 experience.

I am grateful for the peace of mind going on this journey has given me.

I am grateful that I make time for myself.

I am grateful that life is good.

I am grateful for fun.

I am grateful that I get to see my niece, nephews, brother and sister-in-law in a week.

I am grateful that I am blessed enough to take these trips.

I am grateful that I am creating the life I want to live.

I am grateful that I am the one in control.

I am grateful that I know clearly what I want out of life.

I am grateful that I act out of that want.

I am grateful that the sun is shining.

I am grateful that I have work.

Force Stop

The Universe has been trying to get me to slow down and I'm resisting. I like to be busy, but I don't know how to take a break. I had a trip planned to see my friend Bill in Sonoma this weekend. I've been looking forward to it and planning for it, so I tried to get all of this shit done last week. That didn't really happen the way I wanted it to happen. In my mind, I got nothing done. In reality, I got some stuff done. But I needed a break, and I was resisting and denying that need.

On Monday, I went and saw my friend Nicole who's moving. I got my hair cut. And I saw my friend Ryland for tea - we met to talk about working together on some projects. Tuesday I didn't do much. I started doing some work on this pitch. Wednesday, I met on a project for lunch and took notes on the pitch. Then I went to a rehearsal. Thursday, I got my nails done and did the Father's Day dim sum lunch we do every year for my Dad who's dead. Then I left town on Friday.

That's not NO work. It's not finishing the written pitch and sending it in and doing more work on my pilot, which is what I wanted to get done.

I headed out of town early in the morning on Friday and made it to San Francisco. Then we drove to Sonoma and had a beautiful time at a winery and made dinner. Pool time on Saturday and a t-dance in a vineyard and on Sunday I headed back. Over the weekend, I had great conversations with friends. I always get rejuvenated from being away at Bill's. That was terrific. He's got such an incredible group of smart, gay friends who are warm like he is and actually have something great to talk about. These guys are financially successful and really interesting to talk to. The conversation sometimes sways towards the superficial, but that's not where it lands. I feel like my brain is given a jolt when I'm up there - and these are guys who go to gay bars and have vapid affairs, but they have engaged professional lives and are intellectuals. I much prefer the SF gays to the LA gays. And they're a little less body conscious - as in, people of all shapes and sizes can hang together.

This morning, I woke up refreshed. I turned in the written pitch. I finished work on another project I had to work on. Now I need to read four scripts and turn them in for a paycheck. Then I'm done with the non-creative paid stuff. And I can move on and work on the pilot and hopefully get that finished before I head out of town. I have where I want the story to go. I just need to worry about the characters and making them as interesting as possible. But I stopped because I needed to. I got what I needed and now I'm moving on to the next project.

I'm taking time off again next week to head to Portland to see my brother and his family. It sounds like I'll be doing some art with the niece and nephews. I want to tell stories with them using a story starter I got them a couple of years ago that I think they've never used. I'll see some old friends for some meaningful catch ups. We'll head to the coast for some time to get away. And I'll get time with my niece to talk and have interesting conversations - imprint my influence on her, hopefully. That'll be good for me to get some stuff done. Maybe I'll take her with me to a coffee shop while she reads and I work. Time in Portland is also time for me to feel energized as well. I want to do a bunch of fun stuff with my niece while she's not in school. This time I'll definitely relax and have a real extended period of time away and hopefully, I'll come back energized.

I am grateful for beautiful places to be able to get away to.
I am grateful for the love of friends.
I am grateful for exciting visits.
I am grateful for a lot of fun in my life.
I am grateful for work that's coming my way.
I am grateful for more opportunities.

Forgive Yourself

When I embarked on a journey to change my creative habits two years ago, I decided I was going to show myself more compassion. I would often say that I wanted to be more "kind to myself." And that mantra still stands. I believe that compassion and understanding - especially for oneself - does a lot more to further the cause than beating myself down. And when you can find compassion for yourself, you can usually find it for other people as well.

Also with that - and maybe a deeper version of that - is about forgiving yourself. This week, I had a big plan of all the things I wanted to get done before I head out of town for the weekend. I'm rewarding myself with a trip to Sonoma to visit my friend Bill. I am rewarding myself with a relaxing weekend in wine country with friends. I just finished a Whole 30 cycle - where I eliminated dairy, grains, sugars, legumes, alcohol and processed food from my diet. So I am rewarding myself with some lax food rules. The weather is supposed to be glorious this weekend and it's supposed to be a great time. I will be with people I love and who love me. I will be single for the first time in five years at one of these parties. Maybe the first time in ten years, if you count the relationship that preceded this one.

The expectation I placed on myself to get a ton of work done before this trip was enormous. And for the most part, I did not meet any of those expectations. I didn't finish my pilot that I wanted to finish. And the pitch I've been working on, I'm still working on. It's not that I have done no work on either project, but I had an idea of what I wanted to get done. And the part of me that likes to lay down hard on myself feels like a failure.

Here's where I press the "pause" button and check in with how I'm feeling. The truth of the matter is that I have been watching TV shows that are about the subjects I'm writing about. I've been listening to countless podcasts about TV staffs and showrunning. I have been paying close attention to the presidential race. I have been taking care of myself through this Whole 30. The truth is that I have been productive. I am aware of some of my fear in trying to get these projects finished. And I'm kind to myself about the amount of time it is taking - which, for the record, is not a lot. My idea of how productive I should be far exceeds what I can realistically get done. My thesis behind that is that if I push to get too much done, then I get more done than I would if I was just nice to myself. That theory gets me in trouble because it makes me feel bad and it shames me. Sometimes it shames me into working harder, which is always a good thing. And sometimes it shames me into submitting to my fears. I can head down that shame spiral or I can forgive myself. It's easier to just forgive myself and let myself off the hook.

The truth is that I have been working my ass off. I had a conversation with someone last week about nutrition and how the body craves certain foods. This person said to me that the body knows what it wants. It tells you. My body has been telling me all week that it wants rest. It wants to be quiet and still and it doesn't want to write. It still wants to take in information. It still wants to engage in the world, but it doesn't want to be pushed into "banging out a script."

What I know from experience is that I still will get a massive amount of work done. Why? Because I have stopped worrying about it. Worrying takes up so much time that before I know it, I have binged on it and wasted a bunch of time. Worrying is empty calories. If I'm kind to my system, if I forgive myself for not being as productive as I thought I would be, then I move on and can be productive the next day. If I let myself give into the shame, then what happens is that I give up. I needed a break. I needed to relax a bit. I needed to be good to myself.

And now that I've done all of that, I'm ready to pack my bags and take off to Sonoma this weekend, basking in the sunshine and absorbing the good vibes from my friends up in the Bay Area. I'll make time to get work done. But I'm not going to force it. I'll get where I want to get. I'm not worried. I need to take care of myself right now so I can be ready for the next wave of work to come in the second half of the year. This is necessary relax and recoup time because I might not have the choice in the months to come. And if I don't have that choice and I'm working constantly, then I'm going to embrace that as well.

I am grateful for my friend Bill for inviting me to come up to his house this weekend.
I am grateful for the group of gay male friends that Bill has made me a part of, even from LA.
I am grateful for the community and commraderie I'll be experiencing this weekend.
I am grateful for the love from my friends down here.
I am grateful for the work my theatre company is doing.
I am grateful for openness people have shown me.

A Few Days Off

I try to make time for reflection at some point during my day. I pride myself on trying to achieve balance in my busy life. I've gotten away to the Bay Area once already this year. I head to Sonoma and San Francisco/Santa Clara next week. And Portland at the end of the month for nine days. But the past few days, I haven't wanted to do any work. I have a pitch I need to continue to work on, but I've been working on that while working on the finale script for the show. There has been no break.

I finished a larger version of the pitch a couple of days ago. They still have questions. I need to address those. But ever since Thursday, I've been feeling like I need to rest. Thursday's not that long ago. It was a day and a half ago, and yet, I'm feeling like I've been on a break for a week. It's good to work hard. I prefer it to having nothing to do. But I also need to replenish myself. Part of my brain says, "Keep working through it because you have some breaks coming up." And part of me thinks, "I need a break now. Plus those breaks." The truth is that I'm always working--even if I'm on vacation or not. My brain continues to put things together.

Yesterday, I went to a Korean Spa and spent several hours in silence. That was beautiful. I might go do that again soon. It was such a delight. Actually, I spent Wednesday at a Korean Spa. That was not in silence, I met a Psychic there. [Check out that blog post] He said something important - the body knows what it wants. He meant that in terms of food and diet. But I think the body also knows when it's time to rest. Whether or not I want to admit how much work has happened over the past two and a half years--well, I have no problem admitting it because I write about it on this blog all of the time--it does not always sink in. Or the physical realities don't sink in. The amount of physical and mental exertion it takes to write 3000 pages in two years is something. That's not just a number. That's energy and concentration. I'm also a little slumpier because I didn't start my day exercising. I find that when the day starts that way, I do have more energy. I just haven't felt like it the past two days. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with it. And I'm having a lazy Saturday. There's nothing wrong with that.

Rest is important. So is spending time with loved ones. I had some social time this week, which was nice. I realize that when I'm working, I don't see anybody. So when I've got more free time, I need to spend it with friends and family. This Portland trip is the first major getaway this year. I did the Bay Area for four days and Las Vegas for four days. The Las Vegas trip, however, was a work trip. It was a good work trip. Productive in a ton of ways. And I spent time with my godmother, which I needed to do as well. I'm trying to make time for the people in my life.

The psychic also said that this pilot I'm writing is the launching pad. So I need to finish it. I'm getting closer and closer. I would like to finish a draft of that before I leave town on Friday. That's a soft goal, right? And the execs probably want some more thoughts on the story arc for this one character. And I've got four scripts to read. Plus trying to convince my theatre company to produce the play I wrote last year. And we've got a workshop coming in August. Take a breath. Go in that order. The theatre who you're reading the plays for hasn't asked for them yet. Make that the last priority. Convincing the theatre can wait until the next company meeting in July. And the workshop isn't until August--lean on them for casting and you've already got some feelers out for directors. Then the last two items that are equally as important. The pitch is about the show the execs are developing with me, so that takes the biggest priority right now. And I want to get this pilot done. So I have to work on those simultaneously. That's fine. That's just the way it's going to be. I'm not going to worry about it too hard. I'm just going to get to work.

After I finish Chef's Table Season Two on Netflix. I've got one more episode left. And it's research for both my series and my pilot. Multitasking. That's what I do. When I'm not getting metaphysical advice at the Korean Spa and clearing my head. Both are of equal importance right now.

I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful for gray days in LA.
I am grateful for quiet moments.
I am grateful for Korean Spas.
I am grateful for focus.
I am grateful for integrating thoughts.
I am grateful for vacations.
I am grateful for my family.
I am grateful for the things I love.
I am grateful for writing.
I am grateful for my career.

The Night I Met a Psychic at the Korean Spa

That would be tonight, actually.
I ended up striking up a conversation with a guy I found incredibly attractive, by the way, and who I completely connected with on an energy level. There was a lot to what happened, but I want to get to the things he said to me before I forget them.

We were talking in the hot tub - we stroke up a conversation checking each other out. And while it ultimately didn't go there, we had a great two hour conversation. In the middle of it, he mentioned to me that he was psychic.

And here's what he told me:

• I'm going to be busier than I ever thought I would be.
• I'm going to ultimately take a break from it--and pull back from doing so much--but by then I'll be financially stable enough to do so.
• The pilot I'm writing right now is going to be successful and that's where this activity will be coming from - so I need to finish it.
• I have a great community of writers around me and these people admire me. People who affirm me.
• I'll be moving up to LA soon.
• Ride the Wave.

And I'm sure he said other things that I wish I had remembered. But the overwhelming feeling I got from him is that I'm smart and I'm doing what I should be doing. I just need to keep going. This is what I'm meant to be doing. The interesting thing about psychic readings or tarot card readings is that they tell you a lot of what you already know or already feel. So they end up affirming you more than giving you new information. And that's how I felt when he finished telling me what he told me. I believe that I'm a bit ambivalent about how busy I am because I know this is going to be life changing - the momentum I'm feeling now.

I started out the evening feeling low and a bit lonely about my ex. He's playing a gig tonight not too far from me and a big part of me was hoping he'd invite me to come out. But he didn't. I called a good friend of mine who was actually going tonight. I needed to talk some stuff out. But I decided instead to go to the Korean Spa that I never go to. Something was compelling me to go.

Right when I got there, I saw this guy. Obviously, I thought he was cute. We were cruising each other big time. But then we started talking and struck up a nice conversation about Palm Springs, San Diego, New York, etc. So we left the steam room and went to go sit in the hot tub. We talked about Chef's Table on Netflix - we both have watched Season Two and got up to Episode Four. As I was talking to this guy - and I was feeling like we were connecting - I realized that this was the kind of guy I wanted to be in a relationship with. We ultimately got to the fact that he's married and has been with his husband for 24 years. He seemed very young to me, but he was right in an age range I kind of like. I thought he was closer to my age. And we were definitely vibing, that was clear from both of us. I felt like I got a gift from the Universe tonight. 

He's out there. It's not this guy. He's in an incredible relationship. But that model is out there for me. I remember going to my friend Bill's house in Sonoma a couple of years ago and I met a friend of my friend Thomas'. I completely clicked with this guy. I was in a relationship at the time. And I remember thinking that I needed to be with someone like that, not like the person I was dating - the ex I was obsessing over a few hours ago. That's the big knock on the head the Universe was giving me. Don't settle for your ex because you miss him. He's not the guy for you. This guy you spent two hours with talking to at the Spa who kept smiling at you and giving you a boner - well, he's not the guy for you either because he's taken. But someone's out there for you.

I don't think I'm ready right now. I'm about to be busier than I ever thought I would be. And it's going to be a great thing. Ultimately, I'll be moving up to LA. I'll get my life settled the way I want it and then things will fall into place. But not before that. I have to have my life the way I want it first.

I can't emphasize enough what a great big gift this was. I needed that affirmation. And it comes on the eve of this pitch, which is a part of how busy I am going to be. There has been a lot of self-doubt lately - maybe because I realize that I am on the precipice of something big and daunting. I feel it. So I'm bracing myself. But I should consider myself braced, fortified and ready.

It's time.

He also said that he imagines that I'm a good teacher. That means a lot to me. It's something I take pride in for sure. That was $20 at the spa well spent. I'm glad I trusted the voice that told me to go there.

I am grateful to make a new connection.

I am grateful to connect with other open minded people.

I am grateful that the Universe is conspiring.

I am grateful that he looked so cute - he really was handsome.

I am grateful for the message he passed on to me.

Second Chances

I have been prepping a pitch for the past week or so. And I've been getting in my head about it. I was supposed to do this pitch last Friday, then I asked to have the weekend to do more preparation. The pitch was supposed to happen yesterday and then it was moved to Thursday.

I realize the Universe stepped in to give me more time. I wasn't ready. It would have been a fine pitch. But for some reason I haven't been as focused as I need to be. Why? I think I'm scared. This is a big step--more of a leap--forward for me. I know deep down I am capable of this leap. But I'm holding myself back. Purely out of fear. The doubts start to creep in and I start questioning myself. Again, I would have pushed through. But secretly I wanted a postponement. And that's what happened.

So now I have 24 hours to prep and rehearse and nail this pitch. It's a good pitch. It's a great idea. I'm fully ready for this. I've been building up to this for about a month. When I did the initial pitch last month, I took the call in a friend's home office. And that friend could overhear my pitch. She said that I sounded commanding. Every meeting since then has brought positive feedback. I think that the more time I have to work on it, I doubt myself.

I'm a person who's trying to live without so much anxiety. I'm successful in that pursuit, but those moments where the anxiety I do have sets in make it difficult to move forward. I realize that the kind of anxiety I used to have would have rendered me immobile. I fundamentally did not feel worthy. That's not where I am now.

I think my big issue is that I'm doing this alone. I'm standing apart from the crowd for the first time in my life - at least, it feels like that. I have no boyfriend to lean on. I have incredible friends who have been incredibly supportive and wonderful. The more I step forward, the easier it will get, I suppose. So it's imperative that I continue to step forward, despite my fear. I have been given a second chance to put even more work and preparation into this. I have been let off the hook from certain other writing duties to put my full energy into it. There are no obstacles in my way. Everything has opened up to allow me to put my full power into this pitch. I have to look at it that way.

I have been really negative lately and down on myself. That has to stop. This pep talk that I'm giving myself is helpful. People need to have more of those pep talks with themselves. It's great that I'm humbled by these opportunities and it's honorable that I feel blessed and fortunate. But these are my opportunities. I can't be so humbled that I don't step up to the challenge. I'm not lucky. I did this. This is my time. This is what I deserve. I have to step into my greatness. This is my time. This is the moment that I have been fantasizing about. All I have to do is step into what I deserve.

Okay. I'm going out there, Coach. Thanks for the pep talk.

I am grateful for this second chance.
I am grateful for extra time to perfect what is a great pitch.
I am grateful that I know how to take care of myself.
I am grateful that I am not letting anxiety rule me.
I am grateful that I'm pushing myself.

A Practice

I don't remember how long ago I decided that writing was going to be the thing I spent most of my time doing.

Years ago, I was toiling away in an entertainment office, working for a manager, making appointments for other people - for a life I wanted to be living. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I was in a relationship with someone that was so distracting that it kept me from thinking about how unhappy I was. I wrote occasionally - when I could, when I wasn't too exhausted from my day job.

I had made a decision that I was going to write plays because I needed to write things for myself. So I wrote a play. Then I wrote another. Then I wrote another. I wrote three plays in about a nine month period. I don't know what happened to those plays. I never showed them to anyone. They were efforts. But they weren't plays I would ever be proud of. They're not plays I have a desire to go back to. But they helped me purge something.

Then I went on a spiritual journey. I started a new play. I think that was the play that awakened me. I started writing it. Then I broke up with a boyfriend. When I decided to pick it up and set up a workshop for myself, I was dealing with a Dad who had gotten sick. That play was wonderful. It didn't go anywhere. It had a reading and some development. But nothing beyond that. Then I ended up joining the Playwrights Union. This might have been when Dad was already sick. I wrote my first play in their playwriting challenge. It was fine.

I started spending more time devoted to writing. I wasn't working at the time. But I was making time for it and I had an office, so I was making space for it as well. I think it was during this time that I wrote another play during the playwriting challenge two years later. That play just had a third reading last month. During the time I had the office, I had an idea for a new play. I wouldn't work on it until last year. But during the year I had the office, I wrote five new things. Then last year, I wrote three new things, but mainly a new play. By this time, the writing had become a practice. I was devoting real time to getting work done. I wasn't squeezing it in between things. I had the courage finally to dedicate myself to my work. I foolishly decided not to pursue getting a "real job." I kept writing. I knew it is what I had to do. I ended up losing a relationship over my dedication to myself. But as Steven Pressfield says in "Turning Pro", when you turn pro everything changes. You lose friends. That happened. You lose partners. That happened too. Your family might even change in how they treat you. That happened big time. No one thought me just writing every day was a good idea. At times, I wondered the same thing. I almost moved to Portland to be a literary manager. Thank God I didn't get that job. I must have been too much myself. It wasn't the right time.

Now I realize that having a daily writing practice ruined everything. My life is nothing like it was six months ago. That happened when I went through the previous break up. My life resembles nothing from my past life. I'm single. I'm getting paid as a writer. I was right to devote all of myself, at the expense of my last relationships. I knew it. I knew that if I devoted myself, he would stay or go. It was either going to attract him or repel him. And out the door it went.

But my practice has brought me here. I have a pitch I'm preparing for later this week. I'm up at midnight writing. I'm taking care of myself. I've changed my appearance to reflect who I want to be. I've got long hair. I've got clothes I'm totally into. I'm not trying to be anything for anybody other than myself. The ex-boyfriend and I were not a good fit because he wasn't in love with everything I had to offer. The more I was myself, the more it repelled him. And now I find myself missing him. That's because the heart is healing.

Now I spend all of my time writing. But I've been making a living writing. So I can take care of myself and still write. I've realized the difference between writing for someone else and writing for myself. And I know that I need both of those in my life. Maybe I don't get compensated financially for my theatre writing. But it keeps me observant in the world and it lets me express my own, personal, unique voice. That's an investment that's worth it. I need to invest in myself and in my stories. I'm trying to do that. I think I'm succeeding.

I am grateful for the end of the day.
I am grateful that I worked hard today.
I am grateful that I supported friends.
I am grateful to have a roof over my head.
I am grateful for have a future.

New Levels, New Devils

I was listening to Tamar Braxton talking to Steve Harvey about getting fired from The Real this morning and I heard a phrase that I absolutely identify with:

New Levels, New Devils

And sometimes the devil is calling from inside the house - sometimes you're your own worst enemy. I find myself being more worried, more anxious, more fearful the further along I go. When I walked into that writer's room that first week, I could feel every insecurity I felt come out. It multiplied my anxiety. I'm trying to live as anxiety free a life as I can. But that level of competition brings out something in all of us. It can be the best possible situation - which ours definitely was - and still you feel like you're not good enough. As the blessings multiply, so do the forces that threaten to bring us down. It's like we have to fight on the daily for ourselves.

Tamar and Steve were talking about people who come for you the higher you go - and there' s plenty of that. When one rises to the top, they become a target. That's why I stayed in the background for so long. I didn't want to be a target. But I was also hiding from the potential blessings that were out there waiting for me for so long. It was safer in the background. But there was also no risk, so no reward.

Now that I have the courage to step out there, I'm finding all sorts of obstacles. Most of them reside within, by the way. I don't have anyone else to blame. I'm feeling held back by myself. And I need to get over it. Because the same fearlessness that got me here is going to propel me further.

I am grateful for You Tube.
I am grateful for perspective.
I am grateful for a positive outlook.
I am grateful that I keep it moving.
I am grateful that I am taking care of my mind, body and soul.

Building Out

Writers find it hard to live in the real world. We don't always communicate verbally very well.  Some of us have social anxiety. We like to be so thoughtful in everything that we say that sometimes we take forever to get our thoughts out.

Yet, we can live in a world of our own making. I'm prepping a pitch for next week and I just cancelled plans for this weekend and I might be canceling something for early next week. I initially thought I could pump out this pitch for this show because I've been thinking about it for awhile. But I haven't lived in it. And I need to live in it. I need to sit in the world with the characters and think about things a bit. I don't need to be in a rush to write things down. But I need to journal and think and consider a lot of thoughts. I need to live in this world of characters I'm creating. I know it's crazy to spend a few days in this "world" of my own creation, but I want to make these characters and this world as vivid as possible.

As I was told by an executive, I need to build out the world. I need to figure out who these people, where they live, what they do, how they exist. It ain't easy. It's not like just creating a cool story. There's so much more to it. I guess everyone thinks they can do what a writer does. Everyone thinks they can do what other people do in general. Because we "make it look so easy."

Build out a world, they say. Know everything there is to know about these characters from now and for years to come. I've got to live with these people for awhile. I don't know what they're like in real time yet. How can I write them if I don't know how they exist in the world - in three dimensional space?

I'm going to try to figure this out. I want to be pretty thorough.

I am grateful for the work.
I am grateful for the passion.
I am grateful for the interest.
I am grateful for the love.
I am grateful for the excitement.

June Loom

As in, things are looming over me this month -

I know that I've got a couple of trips scheduled this month. So as of June 17th, I'm in vacation mode. I'll be doing work while I'm gone because that's what I always do. But I'll be in a different mindset.

I put a lot of pressure on myself and I struggle sometimes with whether or not that's completely necessary. I don't know how to operate in life without pushing myself. And I know the reality of the film and TV business is that there's tons of outside pressure. So pressure is just something I have to get used to. It's unavoidable.

So what do I do to counteract that, since I can't avoid it?

Be really nice to myself. It's a constant daily reminder. Usually, the way I'm nice to myself is that I feed myself when I'm feeling bad. I started Whole 30 last month as a way to look at my eating habits. And so far - two weeks in - I've learned that I crave food when I'm feeling low. I'm eating a ton of red meat right now, which makes me a little uncomfortable and worried for my arteries. But what is good is that I'm feeling satisfied at the end of every meal. But I have to take a hard look at the role food plays in my life.

What does that have to do with counteracting pressure? I'm not sure. But I'm trying to be good to myself. I'm trying not to be curmudgeonly. I see friends. I take breaks. I try to know what I can get done in a certain amount of time. And I stress less. That really helps take the pressure off. Just get your shit done and don't worry about it.

I have friends who huff and puff when they have a deadline. Listen, I understand the huffery and the puffery. I don't mean to be disrespectful of that. But while that's happening, there's time to get shit done. I wake up early so I have more of the day available to me. I take my time in the morning. I have my tea - I don't get jittery and worked up from coffee. I have a lot of quiet time and I just start doing shit. If I am too afraid to work on the thing I'm supposed to, I'll blog. Or I'll write in a journal. I try to get myself in the mindset of writing so that I can get close enough to get sucked into the vortex. Otherwise, there are plenty of other vortexes for me to get sucked into: Facebook, Vulture, Deadline, gossip.

I love a writing date. Today, I'm meeting up with my friend Cory to get some writing done. A lot of talking will happen, but we both have shit we need to get done. So that will happen too. I have another writing date scheduled for tomorrow with Carrie. I need to figure out something for Friday - maybe, I'll take off by myself.

And I set a goal for each writing date. Today and tomorrow I have to work on a pitch. I had to put away a script I've been working on because the production company wants to hear something on Friday. Okay, I've been working on getting closer to the pitch over the past few weeks. And now, it seems like they really want to hear my full take. We met last week about it, but I haven't been able to do any work on it because I've been waiting for notes and I had to finish a script for the show I'm working on with them. Now that I'm done with that, I can move on. I can't kill myself with worry over this stuff until I know what my deadline is. I asked for one and got one: Friday. Okay. Let's make it to Friday.

I'm too busy to freak out. I have enough on my plate where I the anxiety takes up too much space. It's like bread at Thanksgiving or soda. It's empty calories. Where did I get such an enlightened point of view? Necessity. It's not life or death. Also, keeping busy keeps the depression at bay. It's true. When I'm not busy, I get bummed out. I suppose that's the sign of an actual practice. When I'm not doing it, I'm not happy. So that forces me to do it. It wasn't always this way. But because I have dedicated myself to writing, I've created a need. I'm a wreck when I'm not doing it - even when I have to take a break from it and give my brain a rest. That's not easy for me.

So as these things are looming on the horizon for me, I need to remember to take a breath and just dive in. Don't worry about it.

I am grateful for writing dates.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesdays.