Perspective

The glass is half full.
The glass is half empty.
They're not calling me back because they hate me.
They're not calling me back because they're too busy and not even thinking about me.
It's not personal.
It's totally personal.

I have so many stories going on in my head as to why something is happening - or more to the point, not happening - in my life. I make it entirely personal as if all of these people are out to make sure that I don't succeed. And it has nothing to do with that.

I talk a lot about keeping my path clear so that good things can find a space to land. But that goes for thoughts, too. I have a lot of negative thoughts rambling in my head about why an opportunity isn't happening for me. But nothing good can grow if the weeds have taken over the garden. None of this seems negative on the surface, but it's keeping me from progressing forward.

I have noticed something interesting lately. The negativity is self-inflicted and contained to myself. That wasn't always the case. I used to get madly jealous of people when good things would happen to them instead of me. Facebook was a danger zone. I'm on Facebook less these days, but I still check it several times a day. However, Facebook was never the problem. I've always been the problem. And when I check Facebook these days and see pictures from the set or an announcement of an award with someone familiar attached, I keep reading.

I'm not exactly sure when or how that happened. I was set to be all pissed off for the rest of my life. Maybe it's the meditation I've been doing. Maybe it's the fact that good things have happened for me this year. Maybe it's just not caring so much any more. It's easier to say, "That's their success and their journey - not mine." I'm happy I've taken a more mature approach to things, but I don't pat myself on the back for it.

I do know that I'm a happier person because I've found some great community this year. Right now, things feel a little in limbo because I'm in between gigs. I'm teaching and really enjoying that. I need to be more thankful for the quiet time. Because when things get crazy - and they'll get crazy again - I'll be wishing for the quiet time. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be excited to be so tired and exhausted and worn out. Maybe I'll be grateful to be pushed to my limits. And then the next time it gets quiet, maybe I'll be happy to take the break.

That's what I'm hoping. That would make life so much easier.

It happens gradually. Maybe the next time I'm in a quieter moment, I'll have even more gratitude and be shocked at that.

My intention is to get this pilot script done this month.
My intention is to love every minute of writing it.
My intention is to be surprised by the next thing around the corner.

I am grateful for The Get Down soundtrack.
I am grateful for milder weather.
I am grateful for a quiet morning.
I am grateful for a great community of hardworking theatre company members.
I am grateful to have somewhere to go and somewhere to be and people who care.
I am grateful that I am slowly, but surely getting over my break up.