Hard to Believe

Last night, I was out an an event for a theatre company I worked with in New York that is expanding its presence here in LA.

I saw a bunch of people, but I also caught up with an old boss of mine. We talked about what I'm up to and what he's up to - his clients are behind six pilots this year that are waiting for pick ups. I just finished up year two on my show as a Co-Producer this year. He looked at me, proud. I said that this is what I've been wanting to do for so long. I also help run a theatre company. And I teach. I'm hitting every area I've wanted to be involved in.

Seven years ago I was working for him. And I had worked there for seven years. I wanted to do this for so long and sometimes I forget to be grateful. I get caught up in everything I have to do and all the demands I feel are made on me. About six years ago this June I got off the hamster wheel of the business. I was tired of running on the treadmill of trying to make it with little success. It led me down a path of falling back in love with writing and having success with this version of myself. And in order to do that, I had to get back on the treadmill. It's different this time around because I understand my value in a way I didn't previously. I'm presenting a version of myself that's more truthful and therefore more vulnerable.

But to get there a lot of things had to happen over several years. Five years ago, my Dad died. That changed my priorities completely. It also opened me up to the idea that life could be whatever I decided to make it. It also unlocked a fierceness in me that I hadn't allowed to be present before. I could be a motherfucker - and I kind of liked it. My father would say that prepared me for a life in this business. He would be happy that I've got a dickish side to me for sure. It means that no one fucks with me. Four years ago, I stopped going to weekly therapy. I was still dealing with my grief. I decided that I would take my grief on and deal with it head on. Fortunately, I was on unemployment and managed to stretch the finances a bit. Three years ago, I decided to make room for writing on a serious level. I both decided to become more of a professional and at the same time opened myself up to the possibility that writing would just be something I loved to do and that's all it had to be. During my Dad's illness it became a means of survival. And if that's all it was, that would be fine. I would find another way to make money. I had an office for about six months. I started subbing for a friend of mine at San Diego State. I also seriously started meditating. I wrote five scripts that year. Two years ago, I spent time working on a new play and would constantly say to friends, "I don't care if this thing gets produced." I spent eight months working on it. I made no money that year. I decided I needed to mix things up and applied to all sorts of jobs. I was trying to get teaching gigs, but couldn't get arrested. I almost got a job in Portland as a literary manager at a theatre. I was ready to leave LA for new adventures. I was committed to finding work. But nothing was happening, so I kept working on the play. That play was fantastic and would end up getting me my first TV job the following year. It opened up a lot of doors. It also helped me grow as a writer.

Last year, I got my first TV job. I wrote another play that broke me open as a human being, about the year spent with my Dad while he was dying. I was asked to join a theatre company. It was a big year of transition. I broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. I found out he started dating someone a month after we broke up. Last year was such a banner year and so many things happened that were unexpected. I also joined the WGA last year. I wrote two episodes of our show, which became three episodes of our show after our finale, which I wrote, became two episodes. I got single credit for all three of those episodes.

So when I say I can't believe that I'm here, it's true. But I have to break it down like I just did to experience the gratitude that comes with knowing I've accomplished so much in the past seven years. I decided to live my truth. I decided to live by my own rules and it took me a long road to get there. But I am grateful for every year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second of that journey. I'm truly grateful for all of it because each moment is etched in my DNA. I have to remember the road because it makes me appreciate everything happening now. When I was on the hamster wheel before, I didn't know how good I had it. I had never lived a life where I could appreciate my accomplishments.

I remember finding a certificate years ago when we were going through my Dad's things. The certificate acknowledged that I had been in the top 1% of all applicants to my high school that year as an eighth grader. I was in the 99th percentile of everyone who had applied that year. I remember finding that and wondering why I had lived my life up to that point as the bottom one percent versus the top one percent. I wanted to be that person. That was a goal.

And now I live that. I sometimes forget. But I mainly try to live as that person. I am a fucking Co-Producer on a TV show and if I don't appreciate it, how can I expect anyone else to? I'm a baller, a shot caller. Actually, I'm a freeballer. I'm  reminded of that whenever I meet with my students. I had a student last year ask me, "How does it feel?" How does what feel, I asked him back. "How does it feel to be doing the thing you set out to do. How does that feel?"

I was blown away by the question. I was humbled that he saw me that way. And then I realized he was right. I did do the things I set out to do. I continue to do the things I set out to do. I will get the next job and the next one after that and I will relish those experiences - both good and bad.  When I meet people, they're impressed. And that's okay. Sometimes I'll wish I was further along or I'll down play an accomplishment and then someone will say to me, "I wish I was where you are."

It shouldn't be hard to believe. It should be hard not to lose it with gratitude. It should be hard not to burst into tears. And sometimes I do that too.

Last year, at the reading of my Dad play, I was receiving a round of applause. I was embarrassed, as I usually am. And then a friend of mine gave me a thumbs up, like they were saying, "You did it." I LOST IT. I burst into tears for two minutes and I couldn't stop. I wrote something that meant something to people. I also became the person capable of writing that play. I put everything into it and when I was done, I cried uncontrollably. It was really overwhelming. In that moment, I was living like that one percenter. I was so grateful I had stopped being afraid.

And that's sometimes hard to believe. That I let go of that fear. But I did and now it's time to move on and do the next great thing.

My intention is to feel.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to be okay.
My intention is to smile through it.

I am grateful for the two years I've been on our show.
I am grateful that people listen to me.
I am grateful to be a leader among friends.
I am grateful to be loved.
I am grateful that my life is the life of my choosing.

I am Latino

I have been Latino my whole life.

But it hasn't been until now that I really felt embraced. As a member of the Writers Guild, I have the opportunity to attend different meetings for various groups I belong to. In addition to being Latino, I am gay and Asian. So I attend the Latino, LGBT and Asian Writers Committees. The group that's the best organized is the Latino Writers Committee. I've been attending the meetings for the past several months and I've been going to their events as well. So far I have attended a Meet and Greet with Current Executives and with Showrunners. I have gone to a gathering with CBS Studios executives as well. I am learning the landscape as I attend these various meetings. I'm beginning to understand my place within these groups.

I know that the older generation has a different agenda than I do. Their experiences are different from my own. I know that the women have a different experience than I do. And I find myself gravitating towards the gay Latino male writers. We have even decided to start meeting up together. I struck up a conversation with another gay Latino writer after the CBS event, which may or may not be flirting. But I've never had the experience of feeling like these people were mi gente. And even with the limited Spanish I speak, writing something like mi gente (my people) makes me feel closer.

I struggled with whether or not I was a Latino writer because I don't always write about Latino things. And sometimes I do. But I never felt like my experience was rooted in any real Latino experience. What does it mean to be Latino anyway? I feel like I've struggled with that for a long time. I don't speak Spanish. I don't have a Mexican last name. I started using my Grandmother's maiden name as my middle name about two years ago I think. I think that the Pacific Playwrights Festival two years ago was when I decided to add her maiden name to my name. And that festival is coming up this weekend. That's really the moment when everything changed - the moment when I decided that I would use her maiden name in addition to my last name. I wanted people to see that I am both Asian and Latino. I embraced my full identity then. And it has had major resonance since. I have only gotten jobs in TV after using this new name. I have been introduced to major circles with this new name. It's like I wasn't embracing who I fully am before this.

I remember having the conversation with my Mom about it. The thought occurred to me one day and I felt like I needed to run it by her. Of course, she thought it was a wonderful idea. I talked to my friends. I talked to my brother. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. And when I saw it written out on a name badge for the first time, I thought - "This is me." I am an Angloized Mexican Chinese American Man. This represents everything I am about. You look at my name on a script and you get a large part of my story without having to talk to me. It's efficient.

I was so used to people meeting me and looking at me and asking, "What are you?" Some people are offended by that question. I have to admit I was never fully offended. I thought it was a little rude. But I understood that people couldn't place me. And now I embrace that. I'm not categorizable. I'm not easily put into a box. I used to fight that. And now I embrace it. I am three different minority groups. I have been anglofied by my experiences. But that does not mean I am white. It does not mean I am white. I am very clear on that. I am brown and yellow and lavender. And I am a bunch of other things because those colors have mixed and separate from those colors.

But being Latino matters to me. Because I have a Chinese last name I haven't felt as embraced. Because I don't look Latino to everyone, I have felt like I've been excluded from that identity. Although, if people ask me if I align with one side over the other, I would admit that I feel more Latino. I don't know if that's wrong to say or feel. But it's the truth. My grandmother was a huge influence on me. So it makes sense that I would use her last name.

I met with a manager a year and a half ago who said that I carried a lot of baggage with me because I used to work for this well known person in the industry. He said that because of that people would be looking at me a certain way and that it was detrimental. He thought I should use a different name. I said I already was using my Grandmother's maiden name. He thought I should drop my last name. It was the most cynical conversation. So I had to deny my experiences and my identity in order to prostitute myself to work in the industry. A month and a half later, I was working under my full name.

No one's an asshole intentionally. I guess some people who are really mean are. But most people aren't. They're assholes without realizing it. And this guy was being an asshole. He had been a friend. We knew each other as assistants. He was very successful and on the surface was a really nice guy. But he said a total asshole thing to me - as an "expert." But what I learned was that he wasn't an expert on me. I am an expert on me. He offered an opinion "as a friend." And that's when we're the most vulnerable. When someone comes to us "as a friend" because they're "just looking out" or they "only want to help." I invited him into my circle of trust. I reached out because I wanted advice, so I put myself in that position. I was a few days fresh out of a relationship, so I was really vulnerable. And then he dropped that bomb on me - no one's going to want to work with me because I've got baggage, so I need to do something about it if I even want to work.

The truth is that he knew me for a long time. And he's got the baggage. He didn't know me anymore, however.  And I became a better writer in the time since that meeting. If I had listened to him and given up, I would have been in a much different place. I got hired to work on my first show a month and a half later. I am teaching under that full name. I am living and existing under that full name. I am living my full self.

Yes, I am feeling more connected to my Latino side than ever. But that's the side that has gotten the least amount of press. Because I have signaled to the world that I am also Latino, I have been embraced by that side. And by nature, we're a warm people who believe in family. We embrace each other as family because of shared experiences. We're a loyal bunch. And we believe in raising each other up. We're going to be a strong force in the world because we believe we need to stick together. I'm feeling that energy a lot right now.

If I hadn't signaled that part of me, I wouldn't be embraced. It's weird that it takes something like a last name for people to believe you. But I no longer have to explain that I am ALSO Latino. It's right there when you read my name badge or see my name on a script or hear me introduce myself. And every time it appears or is heard, I am proclaiming myself to be. I am claiming who I am. I am acknowledging the fullness of who I am. And for that I am successful.

My intention is fullness.
My intention is to be everything.
My intention is embracing.
My intention is growth and expansion.

I am grateful for mi gente.
I am grateful for new friendships.
I am grateful to love all parts of myself.

A Free Moment

Life has kind of calmed down a bit.

For the moment. I'm sitting at the West Hollywood library - the site of many a writing session alone or with my friends Carrie, Larry, and Andrea at various times. I'm sitting here on my new MacBook Pro. I just got back from lunch with my friend, Dan - someone I've known for years and have wanted to catch up with for some time.

I actually have a moment to catch my breath. Since January 3rd, I've been working. And that has been an excellent thing. Our show is currently in production and they don't need me as much. I feel like I've been neglecting my students. My friends all tell me that they probably don't feel that way. But I'm used to being there to answer their emails at all hours or coming in early to meet with them. I've had to limit my office hours to the designated times and I've been putting off grading their assignments until later in the week. It hasn't been as easy to be the teacher I want to be for them.

But that's because I'm busy being the TV writer I want to be for myself. I couldn't be happier to be this busy. I'm developing new plays with my theatre company. I'm going to attend a national theatre conference in June in Portland. I'll get to see my brother and his family while I'm there as well. I need to make plans for May - maybe to go to Vegas to see my godmother or to go up to San Francisco to see friends.

Finally having some time to think will allow me to get work done. I feel like I've been running on empty a lot lately. I'll be back on set for the last few days of production in about two weeks, but for now, I can just readjust and see what work needs to be done.

I have a pilot to put the finish touches on - been doing that for the past two months.
I have a new pilot to write.
Maybe I have a spec to write.
I have a play that I want to continue working on - but I may even turn that into a pilot.
There's stuff to do.
I'm also directing a workshop in June.

I've given myself a lot of work to do and maybe not a lot of time to myself. My friend Dan and I were talking at lunch about having time to just chill the fuck out and let things happen. It's so easy to just fill space with nonsense. Sometimes it's important to be alone and relaxed. It's important to have days where you just blog and stare out the window at the beautiful city you live in. Not every day needs to be one where you get 25 pages of your pilot written. I need to be doing some more working out. I need to start watching my diet again. I need to have a little more self care. It's the time to do that. I had a little respite last month in Vancouver, but then I had to get back to work right away and then right back into production. So it was three weeks of a lot of panic and craziness.

I have class once a week for the next four weeks. That should be good enough. I have to finish this pilot. I feel like I don't have anything else hanging over me to get that done.

I'm usually not good with time on my hands. I get antsy. I get impatient. I get depressed. But today's okay. It's Wednesday. I'm going to stay here at the library and wait traffic out a bit. Then I'm going to chill the fuck out and watch Real Housewives of New York at home and get a good night's sleep before teaching tomorrow afternoon in San Diego. I don't have to get up early. I can head out the door at 10:30 AM. And I can relax on the drive down until I have office hours and then six hours of teaching. But until then - I'm going to take things at my own pace.

My intention is relaxation.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is self care.
My intention is rejuvenation.
My intention is calm.

I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesday afternoons.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for good lunches at old restaurants.

Back, back, forth and forth

It's Spring and I still feel like hibernating.

As I'm getting older, I'm embracing the writer/loner/curmudgeon in me. I have to be a social butterfly on set. But the more I have to show up in my life, the more I need time to not show up. I need my alone time now more than ever. I often wonder if that feeling will ever plateau. Because being alone and spending time up in Portland doing nothing but reading books and hanging out with my niece and nephews is sounding more and more attractive - as long as I have an endless supply of money to live on.

(smiles)

Isn't that always the catch? I work because I have to and because I love to. I would be a mess if I wasn't a creative collaborator. I love hanging with my actors on set. I love flirting with the PAs and complaining about eating too many cookies and chips in the afternoon. I really do love it. I love having my headphones on set and chatting with my director about certain shots. I really love production. It's lonely to be a writer and have to force yourself to get shit done.

Yet...I love being by myself. I need to recharge. On Saturday, all I wanted to do was sleep in (7:45 AM is sleeping in for me - that's sad). I didn't do any work but I went to a party, to dinner and then to see a show with friends. On Sunday, I went to a Korean Spa and worked on some revisions for my pilot I've been revising for forever. And now I'm at a different K Spa waiting for my lunch and working on the same project.

I need to plan my next trip. I went to Vancouver last month, but any relaxation I felt from that was quickly swallowed up by having to head back to work for an emergency week and a half in the writers room. But that trip was pretty glorious. I explored a city I didn't know very well. I had lunch by myself while my best friend was at work. I hung out on her set while she was working. It was a pretty great trip.

The guild might be heading toward a strike and a big part of me is excited about a break, if that happens. I'm still teaching, which is both providing me with a steady income and preventing me from getting rest or having downtime. But I have to remember that I HATE downtime. I'm much better complaining about having too much than having too little to do. I'd love to go straight to work after the semester is done at school. I'd also love to have the strike to get some stuff done and to get on a show in the summer.

I'm so indecisive when it comes to what I want to do next. I could take a break and go see my brother and his family in Portland. I could also go up to SF and catch up with friends. I have these fantasies about going to SF for an extended period of time and seeing shows in Berkeley and the city and going to see friends in Santa Clara. Having great dinners over with pals. I have these intense fantasies of a leisurely writers life - with a trust fund.

The psychic told me almost a year ago that I would be busier than I thought possible. And at some point I'd take a break and be financially stable enough to do that. The truth is, I love the action. This is what I've wanted my whole career - to have a lot of balls in the air. I can't complain because I've got too much to do. But it was great to just have a Saturday to see friends and to hang out. But it's great to have the whole day on set and to feel like my presence matters. It's also great to have the freedom to head to the K Spa on a Monday and work before I have to head to a meeting for my theatre company.

I shouldn't complain. So I won't.

My intention is grace.
My intention is gratitude.
My intention is to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is patience.

I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for the day to work on my pilot.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for things to look forward to.
I am grateful for income.

Centering Myself

With so much going on, it's easy to get pulled off my axis.

Here's a list of things going on these days:

• Teaching two classes once a week.
• Production on Season Three of our show.
• Getting ready for staffing season and meetings.
• Revising scripts for staffing season.

At times, it feels like it's all a bit too much. When I'm not at work, I'm trying to catch up on my sleep. But when I'm sleeping, I'm aware that I could be doing other productive work things. I've got some meetings this week I need to prepare for - by watching many, many hours of TV. I'm supposed to be grading as well. And I've been sitting on set for my episode since Wednesday. It feels like too much, so of course my reaction has been to retreat. Typical.

I have been catching up on sleep, which is important. And I went to a get together yesterday and a play with friends last night. Plus dinner before and drinks after. It was a social day. But I also have to see friends. I can't just ignore my friendships. Plus, those friendships are with writers whose conversations always inspire and motivate me. These are people doing the exact thing I'm doing and we need to talk to get ideas out.

Having a few centering hours each morning feels both indulgent and necessary. I can't really function if all I'm doing is being social. And I forget that being on set and having to be "on" is about giving away energy. That has its own value for sure. Being a presence on set and participating in the production process is amazing. But I also then have little energy for other stuff. I know people who push and push and push themselves and give themselves heart attacks or the flu. I'm not that guy. I won't sacrifice my health. But that means I've then got less time to get a shit ton of stuff done.

All of that worrying I stopped doing a few years ago made room for me to get more done, but now that I'm in this rhythm, I've filled that space with even more pertinent stuff.

Which is why centering becomes important again. It's like a trash compactor making even more room where I thought there was none left. I have to remember that the time I take for myself in the morning at the gym and the drive to work and the drive home and the time it takes me to get up in the morning are all helpful parts of the process. Rest is just as important as action and drive. I slept about eight hours last night. I survive on 5.5-6 during the week. And none of that sleep is restful because I have the anxiety of production weighing on my brain. 

Here's the tradeoff - when I work I'm making money but eating like shit and not sleeping well. When I'm "off" I'm controlling my diet and sleeping, but I don't have any cash flow. I have to remember the lesson of all of those years of underemployment - take advantage of the resources you do have. If you don't have money, but you've got tons of time - use that time to get shit done. If you've got money, but little time for other stuff - spend all of your time at work and get everything you can from it and gift yourself in little ways, like going to the K Spa and getting massages. Be a little more social because so much of your time is spent working.

That perspective does come from meditation and from introspection. But I am feeling out of sorts a bit. I'm not freaking out. But I'm feeling like it's hard to focus on everything at once. Well, that makes sense. You can't possibly focus on EVERYTHING at once. So today, I'm working on my pilot I've been working on for awhile and focusing it. I can accomplish that in a day. 

Tomorrow, I will work on the comedy pilots I have to revise. 

Tuesday, I will be back at work, so I'll watch some shows when I've got down time between shots. I will also watch those shows when I'm too tired to do anything else - instead of watching my favorite You Tube videos. Tuesday's a light production day for my stuff, so I'm going to not do as much.

Wednesday - I'll be at work, but I'll have to get my grading done.

Thursday - I need to get grading done before I have to teach.  I'll spend the night in SD and sleep.

Friday - Day of Rest. I also need to start this new pilot and do some grading. Production will be done for me. I'll come back the last week of shooting to hang out. But other than that, I won't have any thing else to do with production.

Yes, that looks like a lot. And it will make the week go by fast and keep me busy. But it's what I have to do. Fortunately, I will be spending my days not at work at the Korean Spa getting this stuff done. I will treat myself. And we'll see what fruits emerge from me working from a place of being centered.

My intention is love.

My intention is openness.

My intention is trust.

My intention is to surrender.

I am grateful for great dinner conversations.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for production.

I am grateful for good collaborators.

Advice

When I'm talking do people think I'm full of shit?

I give a lot of advice. I receive a lot of advice as well. I'm not sure any of it is any good - maybe all of it is good and my judgment is off.

An upper-level TV writer I know asked to read two pilots of mine. After reading the beginnings of them - no one reads beyond the first ten if they don't have to. The only people who read beyond the first ten are friends. I once tried to get out of reading a friend's pilot after reading the first half and having real issues with it. He guilted me into reading the rest of it. Apparently, I thought I was a professional or something and tried to get away with just reading to the point where I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I don't find fault at all with this upper-level writer only reading the first ten - if that - of those pilots. Who has time? I used to read scripts for work and I would only read the first ten if I knew they were bad. Another writer - who coincidentally is about to run the show that my friend the upper-level writer is on - admitted the very same thing last week at an event I went to.

Make the first ten pages amazing - that's a piece of advice I've both given and received. I had a moment of panic the other day that I'm going to end up like a college professor I had who was a great directing teacher and a horrible director. Am I great at teaching writing, but horrible at it? Or did this writer just not respond to the material? The good news is that this writer is still a fan and wants to continue to support me. She offered to write me recommendations if I apply to any of the studio programs, which I'm thinking about doing. She also offered to read more work and she's looking for some sample pitches for me to look at for spec pilots. This is all incredibly generous of her.

And fortunately, I'm supposed to be taking another pass at a pilot I've been working on. I think the things she mentioned about my work are - for better or for worse - hallmarks. I need to make the opening of this script amazing. But I also need to make it absolutely clear what drive this character has throughout the script.

My goal is to staff on a network, cable or streaming show as soon as possible. My drive needs to be clear as well. I know that in order to do that, I have to have a great sample. I already have two plays that are strong samples. I have yet to produce a pilot that gets people excited. And maybe I also need a spec that gets people excited. I do hate the game of it all. But if you don't realize you're playing a game, you're going to get swallowed up by it.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I'm applying for a job. It does not define me as an artist or a person. It does not define my self worth. I lead a life I enjoy. I write plays I love. I have an incredible community of fellow artists around me. Being a successful TV writer will make life easier financially. It will also structure my life into a series of compromises. Everything's a trade-off. But here's what I do know.

I love production.
I love working with actors.
I love collaborating with directors.
Theatre's not enough for me.
I have to raise my voice so that it's counted among the many.

A few years ago, I gave my friend Cory a piece of advice. You have to have a pilot that has the same feeling as your plays. That's advice I can finally take. I think when I gave Cory that advice I hadn't written a play that I felt spoke in my voice. My friend Gina said to me recently - You should always write in that voice. So I think this sample I'm writing right now has to be in that voice. It has to have larger than life characters and be both funny and poignant. But my voice is also vulgar, crass and alive.

The thing about advice is that it has to resonate. I thought my friend's advice came from a place of real care. She told me that my work isn't that far off. I've got great characters and a cool world. But I need the story.

I teach at San Diego State once a week. I give my students tons of advice. I need to start taking it. I'm telling them to be patient with themselves and to not beat themselves up. I tell them that they're going to be good at one or two elements of dramatic storytelling - story, world or characters. And there will be one element it will take them awhile to grasp. 

I need to take my own advice. I need to act as if I'm giving someone advice, because I'm good at it. I've made it this far. I know I need to keep going. Our union may be going on strike. If we do, I have to use that time to create new material.

I am attending a conversation tomorrow with a showrunner/playwright who's also Latino. He's going to be there to give advice about meeting with showrunners. I am then meeting with showrunners the following week. And then I'm going to CBS to meet with executives about telling certain Latino stories. I am networking as much as I can. I have material that's going to get people interested. Now, I need the next piece of material to keep them interested. That's the key.

Here's the thing. I'm in a fine position. And I need to remember that.  I'm working with a writer/director I respect who's directing my next episode. I'm working with great people who respect me. I've got talented friends. I worked with mid level writers who I think liked working with me. I've got people who could possible recommend me for a job. I'm in the arena. I'm in the mix. I'm not tailgating or waiting to see if I get in. Or in the stands. I am in the arena on the floor. I'm actually playing. And if I'm not playing, I'm on the bench. But I'm on a fucking team. Someone said to me recently, "I'd love to be where you are." And I have to remember that.

Appreciate where you are and use that momentum to keep going. Good advice.

My intention is awareness.
My intention is patience.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is inner peace. 
My intention is appreciation.

I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for work relationships.
I am grateful for the generosity of people who know me.
I am grateful for people who know what I can do.

Push/Pull

Life's a balancing act.

I have this pilot I've been working on for over a year. I don't like working on things that long. I have pilots I finished in three months, in six months, even. Anything longer than that feels like it has been too long.

I once worked on a pilot for two years. It was a half hour then a one hour then a half hour again. I got so much feed back from so many people that it was messing with my productivity. I swore I would never let something take that long again. 

Well, this pilot has been in process for over a year. But that's not my fault necessarily.

I finished a draft I was happy with in February 2016 and then started work on my first season of the show I've been working on. I had the excuse that I was working. I was learning the craft of working in a writers room and writing drafts of outlines and scripts under deadline. I knew this would be useful for me - and frankly, I didn't have time to be working on five projects at once. 

I know these writers who finish up in the room and then go home and work on their next thing. I admire that. I work on weekends on other projects, but also I understand the value in sleep. I work fast, so I know I can turn something around quickly. That's why I feel like I have time for sleep when I need it. I also type 75-80 words a minute, so I know that I'm saving time that way. I know that sounds silly, but you have to figure out ways to trim the fat. And when you know your mind works just as fast as your fingers, then you know that you are saving time during the process because of your dexterity. I have friends who take longer to type things and their work takes longer to write.

I also have done a lot of work around not worrying as much and just focusing on getting the work done. That saves time.

HOWEVER - 

I'm frustrated that this pilot has taken this long. I finally was able to get back to work on this pilot - after having a full outline for at least four months - in the Fall of 2016. I did a draft, asked friends for a quick turn around in comments and got notes right away. Then I sat on it again until February of this year. I wrote a draft that my friends really liked. But I knew I had to trim a lot of fat from the first half. And that means a total rewrite. Also, during this time I had been asked back for my second season on our show. So that meant I was working again on the show, while teaching. When I got back to the script, we had wrapped our writers room.

Here's the thing - After being on our show for two years, I've learned a lot about being proficient. I truly believe it's hard to learn how to write on a show if you're not writing on a show. It's a fucked up Catch 22. I got a shot and now I'm way better equipped for the skill set it takes to write on a show. You have to write fast. Writing smart and well is taken for granted - you better come in with that already. But writing fast is the skill you need to practice all of the time. My outlines out done in a day or two. My scripts got done in a week - sometimes over night or in a couple of days because of deadlines. I'm getting better at breaking stories. 

And now I have to bring that back to my own work. I wrote a draft of the script that I felt good about soon after I got the notes from my friends. It was tighter. It was more condensed and more fun of a read. But now I'm taking this FINAL pass at it before I send it off to the powers that be. I'm coming off two pilots that didn't impress an important person in my life who has real connections to a showrunner I want to work with. So I've got that baggage I'm walking in with and trying to focus on just having a good sample.

First of all, thank God I have a new sample coming up. But it highlights that constant problem of having work you want to do and work you have to do. I am a working TV writer. I am eternally grateful for that and that's where I've wanted to be for so long. But I may not have a viable writing TV sample. I feel like I've been working so hard for so long and that it's unfair that I have to write yet another sample when so many of my samples haven't been seen by so many people. Yet I know that's the work. I want to work on a network or cable show next. I don't have a proper sample for that. 

I'm going to write a spec. And here's why:

I can turn that shit around in a month. Or less. I can get the idea, get the outline and get the thing written and rewritten in a month. I know I can do that because I've been writing in someone else's voice for two years. I know I've got that skill set. And I know my knives are sharper than they've ever been. Back in the day when I was writing specs, it took months. But that's because I had never really done that work before and everything felt incredibly precious. It all feels way less precious. I have to get the shit done. NOW. So pitching a story and coming up with my version of what the show is feels completely familiar to me because that's what I do every day. And they're EASIER to write than pilots. That's just true. I'm glad I've been writing pilots. But I prefer to write my original material in plays. I"m happy for someone to give me some ideas for pilots they'd like me to write. I'm happy to not come up with original material. I never thought I'd say that. But I'm happy to have it be a little easier. 

I want that salary. 

I used to be ashamed to think that. But now I know that it's important for me to be a big, important, influential TV writer/producer who will run several of their own shows one day. It's not important because I want to be rich and famous. It's not important because I want more money in the bank. It's not even important because I need to pay off student debt. It's important because I have finally found my voice and that voice needs to be present and LOUD. 

I wrote a play that fully expressed my voice. I haven't written a pilot that does that yet. And I don't know if I truly know how to do that yet. As the saying goes, the more you learn the more you realize the less you know. Something like that, right? And now I realize I don't know how to do this pilot thing properly yet. Am I going to finish this pilot I've been working on? Yes. Because I've committed to showing that sample. And I"m going to write the best version of that I can. 

I do know how to write specs. I do know how to write episodes of someone's TV show. That's the skill I need to exercise. I can do that well and fast. So the next sample I have will be a spec because I can turn it out quickly. It's no longer about pride. If someone wants my original voice, they should read my play. There will be showrunners who want to read a play and nothing else. There are showrunners who want to read a spec and nothing else. I can give them either. I don't need to prove that I have a voice any more. I don't need to prove that I'm worthy of writing on TV anymore. I've done both of those things with great success. I've accomplished those goals. Now the only goal is to get a job. That's it. It's simple.

I don't need to be validated. I need a job. What's the fastest route to getting a job? My next spec.

My intention is clarity.

My intention is knowledge.

My intention is forward motion.

I am grateful for the kindness of familiars.

I am grateful for the love of friendship.

I am grateful for the training I've had over the past two years.