This running thing has really been working for me in terms of helping me focus and concentrate. Like I said before, I have a harder time closing my eyes and settling down to do my meditation. Getting up every morning (or evening) and running helps me center myself. Then giving myself a phrase to repeat allows my mind to empty out and lets me just focus.
Yesterday morning, I went on a run. I dragged my ass out of bed and headed on the short, block-long walk from my house to the running path. On this walk, I don't think about much. I just put one foot in front of the other. It's not until I get to the path that I start to think about what my intention for the first part of my run is going to be. Do I ask for something specific? Do I express a general desire? Do I get myself into a certain mindset?
I have a bunch of friends writing pilots right now. I wrote three pilots last year that I need to revisit. And one this year that I'm doing some tinkering with. So it made sense that I would put that intention out into the Universe.
I Want a TV Show
I try to remember to control my breath and to speak as clearly as possible while I'm running. I don't want to make the intention if I'm just out of breath, although sometimes you can't help that. It's already hot out. Well, hot for running. Maybe it's already 70 degrees. Maybe 72. But I keep going...I Want I Want a TV show...I Want I Want a TV show...I'm running past women with dogs, women with strollers, best friends who are taking their morning stroll and catching up on gossip. I Want I Want a TV Show. I don't stop even though I'm buzzing past people on bikes and they don't have headphones on, so I'm sure they can hear me. But I just keep repeating that phrase over and over again.
I want my pilot to get me work. I want to staff on a TV show. I want a deal to produce my own TV show that I have written. I want money so I can put forth my ideas into the greater collective energy. And I'm running, so I'm not going to stop. I get really tired as I buzz past the first light and cross the street. I know at this point, either I'm going to keep going to the next light, or I'm going to stop at the next cross area. I approach that cross area and I know I have to keep going. My breath is shallow. My focus is strong. I just keep opening my mouth and letting sound come out. It's like a droning. It has its own rhythm. It becomes a march forward.
I pass that cross walk. Okay. I'm past it, which means I have to run to the light. And the light is a long way away. But I don't focus on that. I keep going. I keep moving forward. I Want I Want a TV Show. I want my pilot to tell the story of who I am. I want that story to inspire producers, directors, executives, agents, managers to hire me and represent me. I want to be seen. I want my own TV show so that I can write the next TV show. I am trying to build a career here!
I get to the light and turn around. All right. Now I've got to think of something else I want. How will I get this TV show? How will I get all of the other work I have to get done? Once I'm done with this walk break, how will I have the energy to keep going?
I Want to Push It
And once I get past the lamp post, I start running again. I give it a few shouts. I Want to Push It. Push it. I want to Push it. Push it. I want to Push it. Push it. I know that in order to do any of the things I want to do: getting my own TV show, getting a play produced, sitting down to write the next thing, that I have to push myself further than before. Even though I'm tired, I need to keep going. Even though I have other things on my plate. Even though I'm trying to make sure my Mom's refi paperwork goes through. Even though I have grief. Even though I have frustration with my boyfriend...I have to push it. I want to Push It. Life is all about pushing it. Stretching and growing and taking that extra step, then another, then another, and another. Not really thinking about the steps. Just propelling forward.
And the moments where I want to stop. I said the words louder: I want to Push It. Push It. I want to Push It. Push it. I want to Push It. Push it. And my stride got longer. And I went faster. And when I wanted to conserve breath or quietly say it to myself, I got tired and I slowed down. But everytime I got louder, the energy came back. And that's what it takes. According to the saying, you should always be the hardest working person in the room. And if you're pushing it, you are.
I didn't think I could do it, but I did. I was ready to give up and let my legs give out. I was ready to pout and whimper and complain. But I didn't. I couldn't. My mouth was full of other words: I want to push it...push it...push it...push it.
So this morning, I woke up again. I had to meet a friend at 9 AM, so I woke up at 7 AM after going to bed around 2. I fell back asleep.
7:21 AM.
Okay, I have to do this now. I can't get through this day without another affirmation, without visualizing and saying out loud what I want. I brush my teeth. I pull on my running shorts. I just have to go. So I yawn (like I'm doing right now) and I get out the door. That long walk is even longer today. I'm already in a hurry, so I don't know if I can do the long run I did yesterday. That's okay. I got out the door. I have already triumphed.
And as I affirm myself yet again, I see the path. "What is it today?" I ask myself.
I step onto the path. And I start to run.
Last night, I had a thought. I was working on my boyfriend's radio show and had come home to do more work on it. I had brushed my teeth and was ready to crawl into bed.
As I stood in the mirror, I looked at myself. "This is my moment," I thought. I have to understand that this is my moment. I can deny it or think I'm not ready or feel like I need tons more training or studying or talent. But if I continue to think that way, the moment will get away from me. This is it. It's not five years from now. Or when I grow up or get older. It's now. And it's not showing itself with a big pile of cash or lots of notice. It just showed up, unannounced. Without fanfare. This is my moment to grab onto and to be everything I already am.
I stepped onto the path.
Step into My Moment
I visualized a spotlight because that it is the easiest way for me to understand that I'm stepping into another space. I'm stepping onto the stage where the drama of my life will unfold. I'm extra tired this morning. But I'm stepping into my moment. Well, I'm stepping at least. Trying to run, but just stepping at this point. Step step into my moment...step step into my moment...step step into my moment. That's all I have right now. I'm just going to step. And as I'm stepping, I'm stepping into myself. I'm stepping into what I know.
I have a good friend who's about to receive an honor and she's taking me with her to the award ceremony. It's very clearly her moment with a check involved and a big announcement. And when I go with her to this ceremony, I'm going to be able to meet some of the writers I admire and want to work with. But I'm not stepping on her moment. This is a part of my moment, too. I am not winning the award or getting the recognition she is or the money. But I am stepping into my moment by accepting that is where the Universe has placed me. Our moments are different, but they are happening simultaneously and they are not stepping on one another.
Step step step into my moment. Step step step into my moment. As the run gets harder, I realize that I'm not going to do quite the same run today. But that's my moment and that's okay. I turn around after the first light. I head back. As my legs get heavy, I think about stepping into my moment. I know not to confuse it with someone else's moment. I know not to get in the way of someone else by imposing my agenda. I just have to want what I want for myself and if someone wants to come along, great. But I don't have to have their moment for them either. If they don't realize it's their moment, I don't have to force their eyes open and push them into the light.
I'm learning that sort of patience with my boyfriend. I'm learning not to force him to have the same ambition and to express it in the same way as I do. If I try and do that, I don't have any energy left for my moment. And this is my moment. And I need to step into it.
My breath gets heavy and so I just repeat the phrase in my head and know that when I huff and puff, I'm saying it. I feel myself stepping into my moment with each huff and puff. And when I get off the path and start walking home, I let the words come back to me. Step step into my moment. Step into my moment. Step into my moment. They get louder and louder naturally. I am not forcing the moment. I'm just stepping into it.
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