The Turnaround

My mood can change on the turn of a dime.  I guess it's that way with most writers.  I like to think that I don't have any of the temperament that writers have stereotypically.  But I do.  I am moody.  I can spend a lot of time alone.  When I'm focused, I don't like to be bothered.  But over the years, I've taken that to mean that I am taking my work seriously.  I like to be fully present to whatever I'm doing at any given time.  That includes relationship time and work time.

This week has been an eventful week in terms of working on a new idea.  But last week was not that way at all.  Last week was filled with distraction and strife.  I think a lot of it had to do with my need to slow down.  To take things as they come instead of willing things into being.  I wanted to get to work on the next project right away, but the Universe had other plans.  My desk collapsed.  I couldn't focus. My stomach was really upset. My back ached.  I just needed some rest.

And I came back to my work refreshed after I took the week to just lay around and to just sit in my stillness.  It's like those moving walk ways at the airport.  I was walking and the runway was moving and once I got on to still ground, I still had that sensation of moving.  That was last week. I had finished the screenplay I was working on and I still felt momentum when I really needed to just stop.  It's my nervous energy of feeling like I need to be doing something or I feel lazy, unmotivated or stuck. My mind kept racing last week and I didn't have any energy left.

On Tuesday, I went to my friend Jenn's place to write.  I didn't feel inspired.  I wasn't sure what this pilot was going to be about any more.  I felt lost.  Then I started looking up things on the internet and I found so much current information on the subject matter of this new pilot.  It was overwhelming how much stuff I found that had been written this year.  And then I knew that I was on the right track.  The Universe was steering me in the right direction.  So I just went with it.

Today, I am going to be doing research.  And I am going to be happy about it.  It's exactly what I should be doing.   I am crafting the story for this pilot slowly.  I am allowing breathing space to be inspired.  I am allowing inspiration in, which I wouldn't be doing if I was just racing to get something done.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a fast worker. I'm efficient. But the energy would have been to cram everything in during this time I have to work on my backstory.  It would be desperate energy instead of creative energy. Instead of trusting energy. And that desperate energy usually results in anxiety and feeling like I'm not good enough.  Who needs that?

I am, as Joss Whedon calls it, "filling the tank."

Mike White describes it as the open part of the creative work.  I am taking things in--information and inspiration. Then the closed part happens when it's time to write and I am not seeking information. I have closed myself back up to get the work done. I am hibernating. I am eating the things I have stored for the winter. I love the closed part when I just get stuff done.  But I am learning to appreciate the open part where I am taking things in: watching movies, reading books and articles and having conversations. Something in me from a long time ago tells me that this is pure procrastination and that I need to get to work. But even procrastination allows us to give our brain muscles a break. I think that's imperative.

Last night I watched five old episodes of Braxton Family Values to take my mind off of things.  But even that was helpful in terms of family dynamics.

So I'm in the Turnaround.  I look around my office and I see 35 index cards filled with information.  I look behind me at my dry erase board and I look at the inherent conflicts in the story I am trying to tell. This is telling me more about my characters.

Today, I have the idea that I will be going back to my treatment and continuing to tell the story of these characters as it is being revealed to me.  This is a great way to work.

I am grateful for index cards.
I am grateful for a large desk that I can use in different ways.
I am grateful for my cork board and dry erase board.
I am grateful for peace and quiet.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful to have friends to share this with.
I am grateful for the Turnaround.