Creative Crushes

Everyone who knows me knows that I crush hard on dudes all of the time. I'm a flirt. There are cute actors I work with and I never hesitate to embarrass myself by getting all giddy around them. But there are some people who I crush out on because they're freaking talented. And they're not all dudes.

Right now I'm crushing hard on my friend Jen who's an amazing director I just worked with. We definitely want to work together again. She's adorable. And really freaking intuitive and amazing. I always have said that I like directors who kind of beat me up a bit. And Jen did none of that. She was super gentle and really laid back. But all of her instincts were so dope that I just fell in love with her. Even the way we ended up working together was super cute. We were both too shy to say that we wanted to work together on this new play. We're both members of the same theatre company and neither one of us spoke up. So when we finally figured out that we wanted to work together, we both had to admit that we were totally into each other creatively. It's super sweet. I realized working with Jen that I don't need to be ripped a new one in order to produce good shit. This is the best play I've written and it came about in an incredibly loving, gentle process.

I'm super crushed out on my friend David. Everyone knows it. It's a huge joke at this point and it even was a little bit of an issue at one point. But I believe in his talent so much and think he's really the bee's knees. I don't have anyone in my life who is as open with his feelings and as unabashedly himself at all times. He can't help himself. And I'm kind of like that. I'm very slutty with the way I express my feelings. I'm totally open. He's a kindred spirit and I adore him. And he's writing this play right now that I'm totally into and I can't wait for him to finish it.

Of course, I'm crushed out on my friend Carrie who's just a delight. She's funny and sweet and also an open book. She's weird like me in the best way. She's a rare flower of a writer and all of her stuff is totally brilliant. She dresses great, too. She's got a cool sense of style that's not overworked or too thought out. It's a total extension of her character.

I'm kind of crushed out on my friend Cory's writing. He's really good. Our relationship is probably way more brotherly. But it's kind of crushy. He's just too good. He's brainy. He's not really even that nerdy. He's kind of studly, but in the body of a brainy-looking guy. I adore talking to him because I feel really smart whenever we chat.

Creative crushes are important. These are people whose work I love and who I want to work with. But they're also people who I totally have a flirty friendship with. It's because I unabashedly express how much I love them all. They all warm my heart and make me feel like I actually know something because I'm smart enough to be their friend. It's true. I'm nerdy that way.

My intention is to keep going.

My intention is to celebrate.

My intention is to relax.

I am grateful for the company of all of my creative crushes.

I am grateful for great music.

I am grateful for the repeat function on my iTunes.

I am grateful for the quiet hours I spend at the Korean Spa.

Q3 to Q4: Review and Projection

This year has brought about a lot of changes. Really great things have happened professionally. I spent a lot of July and August in production on the show I wrote on. I sat behind the screens in video village and couldn't believe what I was experiencing. I was actually helping put together a TV show that I had written. It felt like a miracle in a lot of ways.

I made real contributions to our show. It felt good. It felt like I was exactly where I should be. I really want to do it again soon. After being in the writers room, this was a completely different experience. I know that it has made my TV writing better than it was before. I know that it has made me a better professor as well. I stand in front of my students now and I have real practical experience in production, something I can speak to.

Of course, when production finished, I desperately wanted to do it again. I wanted to get right back to work. But things happen in their own time. I spent August working on the things I wasn't able to work on when we were in production. I went straight into a workshop for a new play at the beginning of August. And at the end of the month, we presented a reading of the play. That was another magical experience. I got to see something I really love read by incredible actors who are supposed to be stand ins for my family. The experience of seeing people who are supposed to look like my family was incredible. Afterwards, so many friends and a lot of people I didn't know came up to me to say how moved they were by the play. My best friend David assured me and insisted that I wrote a really "fucking funny" play with tears in his eyes. Another incredible accomplishment. Then I went straight into finishing the pilot I had promised by manager a few months prior, but couldn't deliver because of my production commitments.

Gave him the play and the pilot at the end of August before mercury went into retrograde. Haven't heard from him yet. He was on vacation. And I'm doing my normal thing of worrying about it and desperately wanting to set up meetings and get things moving with making some career shit happen. I have no patience. I'm working on that.

September was about starting to teach again. I started on September 1st. And the past five weeks of class have been great. My students are engaged. I'm having a good time. But I'm spending a lot of time grading and doing lesson plans and working on that stuff. Sometimes it feels like what I'm doing is in the opposite direction of getting my next TV gig. But I remember something my theatre mentor Erik used to say, "Everything is writing." Thinking is writing. Resting is writing. Reading is writing. And teaching is writing. If I remember that teaching TV and Film writing reinforces everything I know about writing, then it's all moving in the same direction. It's all about integration.

After I finished the TV gig and working on set producing my two episodes, I realized a few things. Everything leads to everything else. I spent most of last year working on a play - to the exclusion of a lot of other things. That play lead to my TV job and my manager. Then I was teaching in the winter and spring while I was in the writer's room and working on my episodes. Getting up in front of my students and explaining the elements of dramatic structure prepared me to stand at the white board explaining my episode to the room. And that prepared me to write better outlines for the spec pilots I was writing. And that prepared me to teach outlines to my class for their screenplays and TV pilots. And again, that constant back and forth is making my own work more polished and sharp. 

I spent several weeks this summer in the 100 degree heat of Canoga Park on sound stages working with  a director, actors and a crew on this TV show. I could have been writing that pilot that was due. I could have done a number of other things. But I felt that the experience of working on the show was going to be beneficial. And it has been. Again, being an authority as a university professor has given me confidence in my own voice and stating what I need from my director and actors. I now know how to produce television. That makes me a great asset to a future staff. And it makes me realize that I can be a showrunner. I have the temperament, the organization and the knowledge to do it. Again, I'm hoping I get to put that to use soon. A lower level writer with production experience is an attractive candidate for gigs. I need to get people to see it that way of course and that's where my impatience lies. And that's not always a bad thing. 

Other great things happened as well. I got to be interviewed on the USC campus TV station for my theatre company's upcoming theatre festival. I'm helping to produce that as well. And the big news is that I got into the WGA. I'm officially a member of the Writer's Guild. I think I'll probably cry when I get the official paper work from them. I think I'm in shock. I know my bank account is in shock because of the dues I have to pay. It's amazing. 

And now we're coming up on the last quarter of the year. What's that going to be like? I don't know. I'm leaving it up to the Universe - I'm trying not to speculate and to just go with the flow. That's not easy for me. It's very difficult. But that's where I'm focusing my energy. On being surprised because so much of this year has been a delightful surprise. I'm allowing the unexpected to happen. I'm opening myself up to it. Again, a sign that the Universe can dream a bigger dream for you than you can dream for yourself.

I have no plans. I have a pilot to finish. I have nothing that I'm going to try and do other than what's in front of me. I also need a recharge. I've written so much already this year and I've done so much. I want to have some work come in that keeps me really busy. I want to write and produce more TV. But again, I leave that open. I'm keeping everything clear so that the rocket ship of my dreams has a place to land and take me to the next surprising, unexpected and wonderful destination.

I have a new idea for a play that I'm allowing to marinate. I'm producing this festival and writing something for it in October. The rest is still unwritten.

My intention is to become a part of the flow of the Universe.

My intention is to allow.

My intention is to surrender.

My intention is to let be.

My intention is to be surprised and delighted.

I am grateful for my class.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be excited every week.

I am grateful for the chance to take my time with my next pilot.

I am grateful for my community of writers, play makers and silly folk.

I am grateful that I am healing my relationship with myself.

I Still Can't Believe It Sometimes

When someone says I'm smart…
When someone says that they love my writing…
When someone says that what I've done is special…
When someone says they're obsessed with my play…

I still have that feeling that they're talking about someone else. Or a character in a movie I'm watching. But not me. They can't be talking about me.

Isn't that sad? I suppose that could mean that I'm still in awe and that I'm humble. But mainly it makes me sad. I've had these four things said to me in the past two days and the first reaction is surprise. That doesn't mean I need to turn into some sort of egomaniac. I suppose it's surprising to me that I've amassed this much knowledge in the amount of time I've been writing.

I'm teaching a class at San Diego State on Writing for TV and Film. This past Thursday - in our fourth week of class - I decided that the lecture would switch from studying screenplay format to studying TV format. Full disclosure, I know a lot more about writing for TV than I do about writing for film. I have more experience. I worked in an office that managed TV writers and developed show ideas. I had a lot of first hand experience in TV development. And it's also my professional writing experience.

I stood in front of the class and talked for an hour and 45 minutes straight about the TV business and the development calendar. I could tell my students were a little overwhelmed. But they also had a ton of questions. I was letting them know that everything we were learning in class had practical applications. And I might have gotten some of them to look into a career in producing or development.

When I stand in front of my class every Thursday, I have to believe that I know what I'm talking about. Yet it still surprises me that I have so much to say. It still surprises me that I have a clear syllabus and a plan for the entire semester. But that's because of all that experience.

I'm making a living as a writer full-time. I am about to be a member of the Writer's Guild. Everything turned around for me this year. And it's continuing to turn around. I wrote my best play this year - and possibly the best thing I've ever written. And that play is the most personal thing, it's the most I've ever put myself on the line. And I realized something.

I am at my best when I put myself on the line like that. Not everything will be so autobiographical. But I have to leave absolutely everything on the page. The fact is that I have changed. I am different. Writing these plays the past two years has transformed me as a writer. I'm better, I'm deeper, I'm sharper. I can't expect to top myself. All I can do is continue to write and allow these opportunities to come. I'm incredibly lucky. Maybe that's why it's hard to believe. But I also work harder than a lot of people, so maybe it shouldn't be so hard to believe. I have the soreness and the scars to prove that I've earned every word.

My intention is to let go.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to finish this pilot rewrite.

I am grateful for my writer's group.
I am grateful for support.
I am grateful for my creative friendships.

Perspective

The glass is half full.
The glass is half empty.
They're not calling me back because they hate me.
They're not calling me back because they're too busy and not even thinking about me.
It's not personal.
It's totally personal.

I have so many stories going on in my head as to why something is happening - or more to the point, not happening - in my life. I make it entirely personal as if all of these people are out to make sure that I don't succeed. And it has nothing to do with that.

I talk a lot about keeping my path clear so that good things can find a space to land. But that goes for thoughts, too. I have a lot of negative thoughts rambling in my head about why an opportunity isn't happening for me. But nothing good can grow if the weeds have taken over the garden. None of this seems negative on the surface, but it's keeping me from progressing forward.

I have noticed something interesting lately. The negativity is self-inflicted and contained to myself. That wasn't always the case. I used to get madly jealous of people when good things would happen to them instead of me. Facebook was a danger zone. I'm on Facebook less these days, but I still check it several times a day. However, Facebook was never the problem. I've always been the problem. And when I check Facebook these days and see pictures from the set or an announcement of an award with someone familiar attached, I keep reading.

I'm not exactly sure when or how that happened. I was set to be all pissed off for the rest of my life. Maybe it's the meditation I've been doing. Maybe it's the fact that good things have happened for me this year. Maybe it's just not caring so much any more. It's easier to say, "That's their success and their journey - not mine." I'm happy I've taken a more mature approach to things, but I don't pat myself on the back for it.

I do know that I'm a happier person because I've found some great community this year. Right now, things feel a little in limbo because I'm in between gigs. I'm teaching and really enjoying that. I need to be more thankful for the quiet time. Because when things get crazy - and they'll get crazy again - I'll be wishing for the quiet time. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be excited to be so tired and exhausted and worn out. Maybe I'll be grateful to be pushed to my limits. And then the next time it gets quiet, maybe I'll be happy to take the break.

That's what I'm hoping. That would make life so much easier.

It happens gradually. Maybe the next time I'm in a quieter moment, I'll have even more gratitude and be shocked at that.

My intention is to get this pilot script done this month.
My intention is to love every minute of writing it.
My intention is to be surprised by the next thing around the corner.

I am grateful for The Get Down soundtrack.
I am grateful for milder weather.
I am grateful for a quiet morning.
I am grateful for a great community of hardworking theatre company members.
I am grateful to have somewhere to go and somewhere to be and people who care.
I am grateful that I am slowly, but surely getting over my break up.

No Nos

I feel like I'm in a bit of a holding pattern here. Not like the holding patterns I've been in before where there's nothing on the horizon. I'm thankful for that. I'm teaching and that's keeping me very busy - I'm prepping lectures for the next two weeks on TV writing and script analysis. But I'm waiting to hear back from my manager about the two scripts I sent him. I'm waiting to have a company meeting with our theatre company to see if the company's interested in producing the new play. I'm waiting to find out if I'm coming back for the next season of our show and if I'm developing anything new with our production company.

Lots of waiting. But so far I haven't gotten a "no."

And that's important. Sometimes something feels like rejection that's not rejection. It takes time to make decisions. It takes time to read. It takes time to comment. It takes time to figure out a solution. It takes time to decide. But from the perspective of the person waiting for an answer, it's a NO. And we treat ourselves as if we have been rejected and then maybe it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It never feels good to be in this waiting position. And as a writer, I put myself in that position ALL OF THE TIME. It's submission season in the theatre - the time when playwrights send their newest plays to theatre festivals around the country hoping for a slot in their summer play development festivals. I might have mentioned this before, but I have a friend who approaches this time of year from a seemingly pro-active perspective. This friend says that they're "collecting rejections." What this friend means is that they are putting themselves out there as much as possible and that the law of averages means that they'll get rejected more than accepted. But that you've got to wade through the rejections to get to the acceptances. And this all sounds incredibly reasonable. That approach doesn't work for me. I'm not going to focus on something that is a part of the process. That doesn't mean I'm unrealistic and think that every thing I put out there is going to be met with praise and love. My approach is that I send something off and I forget about it. Then when I get a notice in the mail or via email with an answer, that's when I remember that I sent something out and I can tick it off my list.

I try really hard to focus on what's in front of me and what I'm gaining not what I'm potentially losing. I could focus on the NOs or maybe soon-to-be NOs. Or I can focus on what I'm gaining. I previously mentioned all of the things that are "up in the air." There's nothing I can do about any of that. So I have to focus back on what I'm doing right now, which is teaching. Like I mentioned, for the next two classes, we will be focusing on the craftsmanship of TV writing. Originally, I was going to spend one week on this and then go back to a discussion of screenplays. But I realized that since my class is about writing TV and Film - and we spent two weeks discussing one film and dissecting the screenplay - I need to spend equal time on TV stuff. And there's a lot more to discuss about the business of TV writing and the various structures than there is with film. So we have a lot to cram into two lectures. I have to explain to my students how the business works - with producers, executives, showrunners putting ideas together. I have to explain the development calendar because that matters in terms of how shows and ideas are developed. I have to explain content and distribution streams - because that also influences how shows are being made and what shows are being made. I have to explain the difference between a single cam and multi cam comedy. I have to explain the difference between premium cable, basic cable, broadcast and streaming because all of those affect structure and content. Then we need to talk about the show we're discussing this week, which is Master of None - in its entirety. Then we'll look at four shows the following week - Nashville, Homeland, Roseanne and Transparent - to look at structure from these various perspectives - a one hour network soap, a one hour cable drama, a classic half-hour multi camera comedy, and a half hour single camera streaming "comedy." I'm going to have to break down everything in terms of its structure for them - in lecture and on paper.

I could look at all of this as a distraction - something to bide my time until I find out about all of these things I'm waiting to find out about - all of these things that feel like they define my future, whether immediate or long term. But here's how I choose to look at everything I need to do to prepare for the next two weeks - it's reinforcement. It's an opportunity to remind myself how to write a TV pilot. I am rewriting a pilot right now that really feels like a cable or a streaming show. It has no act breaks. It feels like a fantasy - it will play around with structure in certain ways. But to go back and have my own crash course/ reminder of how the game is played will improve my game.

Five years ago, when I went to teach for the first time, I asked my then very new boyfriend - who also teaches music as well as plays it - what he thought about me teaching. He told me that it would reinforce what I already know. He said that it would make me a better writer. And looking back at the five years that have transpired and the play I have just finished writing - he was right. If I look at the play I wrote last year, he was right. If I look at the pilots I have been writing in that time, he's right. Everything I have done funnels back.

Because I have been working on staff and producing episodes, I am able to teach from that experience. Because I teach what I have learned, I reinforce those lessons and become better.
Because I know from first-hand experience what it takes to go from the page to the stage or screen, I write from that place and it all gets better.

So I have no NOs and I might feel like I am waiting. But the truth of this is that there ARE no NOs. Every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. If you focus on what you have, versus what you might want, then everything is a YES. Everything is a POSITIVE step forward. Everything compels you to grow and learn and share. And those are all MAJOR GAINS. I am being paid to teach myself what I already know and to reinforce those lessons. I am being paid to learn at every turn, so that's not a rejection and it's not stagnation. It's all FORWARD MOVEMENT.

My intention is to parlay all opportunities into forward movement. 
My intention is to continue to make major gains in my life.
My intention is to keep going and keep doing.

I am grateful that everything I do helps everything else I do.
I am grateful that my attitude makes all the difference.
I am grateful for every opportunity.

The In-Between Times

I'm horrible with free time. I don't think I spend it all that well. I either watch You Tube videos or I buy music on iTunes or I get into trouble. Idle hands are indeed the devil's playground.

Today, I definitely had plenty to keep me busy. I had a lot of school work to do for the class I'm teaching. I've got a ton of grading to do. I gave them two big assignments that I now need to look over. I did an outline of Trainwreck, the Amy Schumer movie, to send to them to look at. I did a Glossary of Dramatic Writing terms that I prepared for them. I've got 27 short stories to read and 27 outlines to read. Friends of mine have said to me that if I give my students too much work, then I'll have too much grading to do. I like being busy and I like knowing what's on their minds. I enjoy discovering what interests them and then bring things out of them. I get totally charmed by my students every year.

I remember teaching my first class five years ago at Santa Clara, my alma mater. Those students were pretty special and really great kids. They were smart and they were irreverent and adventurous. I related to them because that's exactly how I was as a student at SCU. I admired their spunk and their rebellious quality. That's what kids should be - rebellious. They shouldn't follow the rules. They should test the waters. We should all take risks and test the waters.

I don't think I want to teach as a career, but it brings me great joy. But I want to make room for other things to happen and teaching can be a secure thing. I'm good at it and now that I've been given a few opportunities to do it, I'm able to do it. But I don't want to fall into it. I've got other things I need to be doing with my life. But inspiring young people continues to be a thrill. I kind of felt that way about our young actors on our show. I felt like a kind of mentor to them even in the short time we spent together. I like to nurture talent.

This post is supposed to be about the in-between times. When I'm not on a show or when I don't have something I'm working on. I've got this pilot I should start writing and an idea for a new play I'm researching. But I'm taking a bit of a break from that stuff - which I know is necessary, but I hate. When I stop the train, then I want to just waste time. I suppose that's a good thing. But it makes me feel unproductive. But then again, I can blog about it and at least feel like I've written something.

My intention is to create a new show.
My intention is to work a little bit every day.
My intention is to read and watch everything I can get my hands on.

I am grateful for this respite.
I am grateful for a quiet Friday night.
I am grateful for sweet relief.
I am grateful for new music.

What I Write About

My friend David and I were talking a week or two ago about writing. We're writers. It tends to be the topic of conversation whenever we get together or get on the phone. He talked about his mission statement as a writer.

What do you write about?

He posed the question to me. I suppose I've thought about that question from time to time over the years. I don't know that I've ever had a great answer. I used to think I wrote about identity. People finding their identity, trying to figure out who they are. I had plays about a gay guy who fell in love with his straight best friend and a couple who are trying to figure out who they are in a relationship. I wrote about an asian actor masquerading as a latina actor to get roles. Those plays feel very much about identity to me. They're also extremely gay. And I suppose you could put gay on the list of things I write about. More often than writing about my cultural roots. The last "identity" play I feel I wrote was about a painting and its influence in three different eras, although I'd also say that play was about objectification. Although, you could also say that's about identity - who are you to someone else, how people see you.

Then my Dad died and I started writing a lot about death. I finally had characters who died in my plays or were dealing with some sort of death. I didn't deal with that at all in my earlier work. I wrote a play about a man mourning a life he never lived with a person from his past. I wrote about school shootings. And this latest play is about the year my father died. The next play idea has to do with two ghosts - or spirits - of people from the past. But it also has to do with identity in a way as well. But I think it goes further than that - it does deal with legacy and what you've left behind when you've gone.

I don't know if I had a great answer for David that night we were on the phone. I was stumped.

Today I was listening to a podcast where a playwright was being interviewed and the host asked her what she writes about. I thought about David's question again. And then the idea of adapting popped into my head. I write about characters who adapt. That can mean that they're survivors. That can mean that they're people who are one way with one set of people and another way with another set of people. It can mean that these characters change to please others. It can mean that they struggle with their identity. It can mean that change based on what's asked of them.

As a person of color, I'm highly adaptable. I was the brown kid who went to school with the white kids and came home to my small middle class home and spent the weekends in East Los Angeles with my Mexican grandmother taking the bus. I do a lot of adapting to my surroundings - and some of that adapting has caused me to think about who I am in the world. It takes different forms, but I think my characters do that too.

Now, why is this a worthwhile exercise? I don't necessarily need to encapsulate what I'm about as a writer - that's what audiences and critics do. I can muse on themes that I keep coming back to. But that kind of analysis I usually save for my therapist or for other people to tell me what they see. I don't know if I want to completely know what I'm about as a writer and if I should write to that - or if my instinct would be to write away from that. I suppose it's an interesting thing to think about. I just don't know how much time I want to spend dwelling on it. I'd rather be surprised by what people find in what I write. That's where the interaction and the magic happens.

My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be excited for what happens next.
My intention is to be dedicated to my work.
My intention is to work hard.

I am grateful for friendships that keep me afloat.
I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for blowing off steam.
I am grateful for all of the fun I'm having.

Just When You Thought the Well Was Dry

I made a few declarative statements to a friend recently.

I have NO NEW IDEAS. 
I have no idea what I'm going to write next.
I don't have an idea for a new play or a new pilot.

In August, I rewrote a play we read.
I rewrote a pilot.
I wrote a new ten-minute play that's being produced in October.
I have one more pilot rewrite to do this year.

But that's it. That's where the ideas end. And really no new ideas this year. The scripts I wrote of my own, I started last year - both the play and the pilot. I wrote two scripts for a TV show I was staffed on. I guess I wrote this new ten minute play from scratch. But really, no new ideas this year.

I had been thinking about how this new play I wrote was going to affect my work in the future. I'm actually excited by that prospect. I feel like I'm in a different phase of my career and creative life. I'm single for the first time in five years, but really I was in two back-to-back relationships with an eight month break in between. That was a ten year block of time.

I have no one to turn to and go - wasn't that good? Didn't I do great? Aren't you proud? That person is me. I'm self-validating these days. But this new period in my life is marked by me being single and unattached. I think the Universe is guiding me towards that.

How that shows up in my work remains to be seen. I remember waiting to see how my Dad's death would show up in my work - and four years later, I've written a play about it. Every play I've written since my Dad died has dealt with death. Three plays so far. I'm concerned with legacy and history.

So when this friend talked about all the things she was gearing up to write - I thought - I have nothing. I planned on finishing the pilot up this year and then seeing if there's anything else out there for me.

Then I got an idea.

It's early on, so I'm not going to talk specifics. But the idea seems to be sticking. I keep writing about this idea. I checked a bunch of books out of the library for this idea. I have films to watch for this idea. And I've got a bunch of actual literature to read. This new play idea does explore some ideas from my last play - but this one isn't personal in the same way. It's definitely not autobiographical. Although there might be a character who serves as a bit of a surrogate. The idea does deal with the idea of self-exposure. And that's something I thought about a lot when I wrote the last play - the consequences of being vulnerable and laying yourself bare. This new play is a history play of sorts. I have one other history play that I've written - the first play that I actually did research for. It's a play I had an idea for five years ago under the influence of substances.

The important part is that I have a new idea. I'm kind of psyched about that. Honestly, when I'm rewriting something from scratch - like I did with the pilot I just finished and the one I'm getting ready to work on now, it does feel like a new act of creation. There's some ground work laid out, but it really does feel new. This new idea feels exciting to me because I know how it opens. I'm doing some things I haven't done before. It's a smaller play for me - something I haven't done in a couple of years. It's meant to take place in one room. I've NEVER done that. I'm not trying to write a producible play. But there's some consideration to write something I can bring in for Chalk Rep, the company I'm working with now.

I'm teaching this semester. I had thought about turning down the job because I want to write full-time on another TV show. I wanted to leave myself "open" - leaving the launching pad clear. But when I was offered the job back in April, I thought - This is a job I would have begged for - and was begging for - three months ago. Why wouldn't I take it? So I decided to accept, hoping that something might come along between April and September where I had to back out. Nothing happened on the job front. So I'm teaching. Happily.

It has worked out. I wouldn't say that I'm burned out from all of the writing I've been doing for the past eight months straight. But it's nice to change the pace up a bit. It's nice to have something new to focus on. I decided to keep the gig because this is a class I've never taught before - TV and Film Writing. I'm certainly qualified and it's a class I've been wanting to teach. It'll be a good addition to my resume. And as a friend said to me years ago, "It's better to have things on your resume instead of having time lapse between gigs. So I'm doing teaching because I enjoy it and because it's a great muscle to work. I can let my other muscles recover while I exercise this one.

Because I'm asking them to read a lot and watch a lot of TV and to absorb everything they can, I'm reminding myself that I have to replenish the creative well. I'm reading a lot of stuff and I'm watching a lot of stuff to keep myself full. Ideas can come from anywhere. I love a good documentary. So any chance I get, I'll watch one. It's good to have a change of location. Going down to San Diego once a week gives me a bit of a jolt. I can go to the library and work. I can think on the drive down. I can have my haunts down there. My friend Bryan lives there and offers his apartment to me whenever I'm down there. It's pretty special and very sweet of him to do that. I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend for a quick trip. Another great change of location. Another great way to keep the well full of new thoughts and ideas that I just might use someday.

My intention is to stay full.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is to grow.

I am grateful for great friends.
I am grateful for long drives in silence.
I am grateful for great podcasts.
I am grateful for new ideas.gr

Continuing to Keep the Runway Clear

Earlier in the year, I had shared a story a friend of mine told me about a friend who told her about a dream in which there was a rocket ship looking to take her into the stratosphere of her dreams, but it couldn't find a place to land. My friend shared that story with me and it was a metaphor that really stuck with me. My friend was giving me advice and I took it. And really focused on not adding anything that might possibly take up space on my launching pad.

That visualization worked because a lot of opportunities were able to land because of it - and that made up most of my year. Now those things have come to pass and I'm keeping my path clear so that the rocket ship has a place to land and take me away.

I had a dream the other night about a plane I was in that had to make an emergency landing to a home. It was such a strong clear image that I immediately started looking up dream interpretations on Google. The main interpretation was about certain plans one has crashing to the ground. Well, of course that panicked me, thinking that all of these things I want to happen not happening and being out of my control. But of course, all of it is in my control. I had no idea what it meant as I started this paragraph and as I kept typing, things started to become clear.

I have spent the weekend - a three-day holiday weekend - with nothing to do and wanting to spend time with people - friends, dates, etc. I called a fuck buddy of mine to go to the movies. Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie tries to date her fuck buddy and it all goes disasterously wrong? Samantha tells her - "You can't date your fuck buddy!" I should listen to that. We went and saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was sweet. We had a nice time and we went to lunch. But we struggled to find things to talk about. And I'm not interested. He's a very nice guy, but not interesting enough for me. I went out and answered a Craig's List ad yesterday and gave someone a massage and then there was a hook up. But I did it because I was lonely. I'm sitting here now feeling like it would really be nice to spend some time with someone. I've also been thinking about my ex a lot lately.

Going back to the dream - I was in a private jet. I don't remember who was on the jet with me, but I think it was people in my life who I adore and love. Friends who are also in the business. And then we very gently landed the plane in front of what was very much a HOME. My dreams won't take flight - not because of some weird out of control mishap, but because I'm not focused on my flight path. My flight path is to work and to be productive. I don't want to have to land the plane and I don't want to be HOME. I have to stop trying to date or trying to be interested in people. Now's not the time. I had a perfectly domestic and very boring life with someone I thought I loved. The way the plane landed was so genteel and non-dramatic. And we landed right in front of the house. It was like I was being drawn there. But I want to stay in the air. My very nice private plane with all the accoutrements wants to stay in the air. You see, I'm not flying commercial in my dreams - I'm flying private. This is my own personal journey I'm on. I have to stay in the air.

No hook ups. No substituting. I have to ride out the turbulence - and in this metaphor that turbulence is my loneliness. And it's okay because it's just an air pocket - or a patch of roughness. It will pass. I know that I'm really bad at taking breaks. I just finished a bunch of stuff and my body needs to rest. That's perfectly fine. It should rest. And I should see friends and have an active social life, but I shouldn't be trying to get attached to someone. Otherwise, the private plane is going to land in front of a house.

There's a guy I was crushing on. And this week I went to a play reading that he was in of a play that wasn't very good. I stood there backstage talking to him, trying to say nice things and there was his recent ex-boyfriend. I should have responded to the red flags, but I didn't. I left soon after, but it wasn't until now that I realize all of those things are red flags. He's a nice guy. Younger. I gave him a play of mine to read and he responded to it, but didn't have anything necessarily insightful to say. He thought this play was worth investing time in and producing (I think he's producing the reading or is involved in some way). The play was a shit show. He was all right in it. But I have a thing about guys that I'm involved with - I need to be turned on by their talent. I think he's great, but I don't think I'm there with him. And then he's got this ex-boyfriend who keeps showing up to things he's doing - and they're still living together.

I'm out.

The plane's staying in the air. This is what I need to keep clear off of my launch pad. My ex-boyfriend. Other distracting men. The idea of companionship right now. It's something I want for myself eventually, but I want this next chapter of my life to be about work. And travel. I want to go visit my friends in Atlanta. I want to go back to Europe next year. My best friend is working in Vancouver. I want to go see her. I want to spend more time in Portland with my brother and his family. I want to write on another TV show before the end of the year.  Preferably in the Fall. I want my life to be crazy busy juggling my teaching schedule - having to get my friend David to sub for me a few times this term - and working on season three of our show. I want the plane to stay in the air. I want to get a place of my own by the first of next year at the latest. If this year is the year of challenges, then I want next year to be the Year of Independence. And I want to build towards that.

The plane shouldn't panic and land in front of a house - or a relationship. It should land when it's ready in front of a job.

My intention is to keep the runway clear.
My intention is to keep the plane in the air.
My intention is focus on work.
My intention is to feed my soul with inspiration.

My intention is to travel more.

I am grateful for insight.
I am grateful for relaxing three day weekends.
I am grateful to be well-rested.
I am grateful for a break.
I am grateful for some good time to reflect.
I am grateful to not be overwhelmingly busy right now.

I Found Love in a Hopeless Place

It's "Submission Season" in the American Theatre. It's that time of year where playwrights dust off a play they've been working on - or scramble to finish a draft of a play they want to submit to various play development opportunities. It's also the time of year that the Facebook Group "The Official Playwrights of Facebook" posts articles about how pointless it is to submit blindly to these contests.

For the past several years (too many to count), I have consistently submitted a play to such places as PlayPenn, the O'Neill, Sundance, Seven Devils, Great Plains Theatre Conference, Playwrights Week at the Lark, Ojai, etc. In all of that time I've been a finalist and semi-finalist to about four conferences. I used to live and die by these submission deadlines. For me and countless other playwrights who haven't hit it big (I use that term loosely) in the American Theatre, these submissions represent a fantasy of having a seat at the cool kids table.

I have a submission chart I keep to track where I've submitted. Nowadays, it's more to make sure I don't send duplicates to these contests. Most won't don't like it when you submit the same play more than once, even if you have rewritten it. The chart is in Excel and it's color coded and has columns for previous years. It's all very detailed with a notes section and all that jazz. I'm fortunate in that I've got personal connections to a lot of theatres around the country so I can send some things directly to literary managers. But I completely understand that there's a large population of playwrights who enter this lottery every year hoping that something will happen.

These articles that poo poo this submission process say that you can't get anywhere if you don't have an MFA from a fancy school. Well, I DO have an MFA from a top playwriting program and I'm still having a hard time. I also agree with that accessment - it makes the odds a lot more difficult without name recognition from a program. It's just another part of the vetting process. Right out of grad school, I got read at major off Broadway theatres just because I graduated from a certain program.

Among my playwriting colleagues here in LA, I've got a lot of people who take this time very seriously. Our Playwrights Union devotes their big event of the year, the Playwriting Challenge, to preparing for fall submissions. The challenge is to write a new play in a month. Then that play can be read in our First Peek festival in May or June and the playwright has time to work on the play in time for those submissions. My approach to this time of year is to get everything out and forget about it.

I believe my approach is met with a lot of skepticism or at least a good amount of side eye. I'm sure it's hard to believe that I submit stuff and then I don't think about it. Well, it makes my life for the next several months a lot more pleasant. I like getting recognized for my hard work, but I don't think that those programs are the only judges of what's good. Frankly, I don't think those taste makers have a far enough reach to get to everything that's good. In a perfect world, people would be seeing everything in their local market - including readings - and keeping accurate record of the most promising playwrights and plays. When I worked in TV development, that was kind of my job. People in the theatre - and in TV and film for that matter - don't get paid enough to do that. I didn't get paid enough to do that, but the promise of TV and film money was enough to motivate me. But the truth is that they're all only human and that there are only so many hours in the day.

If I'm not getting my validation from the Ivory Tower then where am I getting it from? I have two recent plays that I'm in love with. I have another play that's small enough and tame enough to have a lot of appeal. Then there's the play I wrote five years ago that I think's terrific, but didn't get much love other than some readings. I have a play I wrote a longer time ago that was a finalist at the O'Neill that has never seen the light of day. And I have a play that I wrote an even longer time ago than that that still is one of my favorite things I've written, mainly because no one else loves it. It's the play I send to people when they're looking for something to produce that's not already attached to a director or a theatre. That's a total of six plays that I like - out of countless others I've written. None of those have been produced yet. Things have come close, but nothing has come to fruition yet. But still I continue to write. Why? Doesn't all of that rejection say that I'm fooling myself?

I'm like a dog with a bone. I also write things that stretch my capabilities. I know I'm good. I know I challenge myself. That's the reason to write right there. For me, anyway. In all of those years of submitting to things, I started getting the opportunity to work with local LA theatres. I started getting the opportunity to hear my work read out loud and I got a great opportunity last year to develop a new play with a local theatre. The process was difficult - but I wrote twelve drafts of that play. Some friends said it was the best thing I had written. That it had to get produced or at least developed at one of these summer conferences. It got me a manager and a TV job. But no love from the theatre community - not one honorable mention. It happens to be an incredibly crafted, timely and poignant piece of work. But when I got all of this good will from my friends and colleagues about the play, telling me that this thing and that thing was going to happen, I got to work on the next thing.

I knew better than to let all of those well-meaning words of encouragement put me in a situation where I waited for my jackpot to arrive. I started working on the next thing while I was submitting this "slam dunk" of a play. By the way, that's it's own reward. For one's competitors (yes, we're colleagues and friends, but we all want the same opportunities and we can't ALL win every year) to give that much love is its own success. The respect of one's peers is a BIG DEAL. We had a big reading last September of the other play, I had 19 pages of something new about a month later. It was fresh and new and the head of my writers group at a theatre I really respected got excited. That was success. It got me to keep writing. I decided that I needed to finish this play and I needed support. So I volunteered to run a concurrent writing challenge along side the PU's New Play Challenge. Since this play was not "new" - by February, I was about 50 pages in - it didn't qualify for the existing writing challenge. I had about six other writers who also had plays to rewrite or finish. I finished that play in February. Heard it for the first time at the end of the month, sent it to the head of the writers group who wanted to read the full draft. He loved it. We got a workshop on the books at the theatre. But the bigger success was that the theatre made me a member based on that play. I now have an artistic home.

For me, that's bigger than winning a contest. And it's a direct result of me just continuing to write. Sometimes to meet the deadline of these submissions. But mostly because it's what I do and what I love and the more I do it, the better I get. But that whole time, I didn't just depend on that ONE thing or that ONE time of year. I spent time reading plays at theatres and "networking", I guess. I don't know if I'll ever get recognized by any of those big places. At this point, I don't care. It's not something I'm chasing. If I get recognized, then that's wonderful and helpful on a number of levels. I submit to keep my name out there. I submit because it's good to reinforce and to tell people who you are and what you believe in through your work and through the statements they make you write up.

I just finished two submissions yesterday. I would have done more, but none of the other places I'm submitting to have opened up their pipelines for the upcoming season. And that's fine. I even decided not to apply to a few places. The exercise of it is good for me. But then I submit and forget. I'm not defined by any of it. I have a friend who says that she wants the opportunity, not just the recognition. But for me, the opportunity exists whenever I seek it out. These are great deadlines, but they're not anything I hang my hopes on any more. Because as I've discovered this year, it all happens unexpectedly anyway. You have to have an expectation I guess to have that expectation subverted. I suppose. But I'd rather be focused on the work than what happens out side of my control. Doesn't mean I'm not driven or motivated or ambitious. The ambition is in the work.

My intention is to keep writing.
My intention is to do the next thing.
My intention is to leap.

I am grateful for deadlines.
I am grateful for artistic statements.
I am grateful for submissions.

Clarity

Clarity is sometimes the thing you get to, not the thing you start out with.

                                                                                              - my friend, David (I'm paraphrasing)

When working on a play, I don't always know what the play is about until I've written it. And even after several drafts, sometimes. Years ago, I wrote a play about two couples in open relationships. I was trying to figure out my own open relationship and I didn't know if that was what I wanted. I wrote 55 pages of something that were read for my playwrights group. When we discussed the play, someone said "this play is about being honest." That was true, but I hadn't been able to distill it down like that. Once that clear thought got in my head, I wrote the play in four days.

That's the power of clarity.

When working in TV or Film, you're asked to know what you're writing before you write it. I don't know if you can know what a piece of art is until you've created it. That's why I have a theory that writing for an assignment - which is what TV or film often is - isn't writing. It's a kind of technical writing, but it's not creative writing. Of course, there are auteurs who are making television and films that aren't as resolved or as simply defined. And that is art. But the writing that goes into writing a sample to get a job, or the writing that usually happens on staff - that's not the same thing. But in the same token, film and TV writing has to be clear from the jump.

I do believe that all writing must be clear in stating what it is. But the process of how you get there is what makes the difference. David and I were talking last night about pitching new ideas. When you're working on a pitch, that idea has to come through so strongly. When you're in the business of having to share something with an executive or an agent or manager before you pitch it, you've got to have that clarity. And none of those people want to wait until after you've explained the idea to know what it's about. 

So what if your process is that you have to find it to know what it is? You have to find it first before you share it. Then you put it up front and state what it is right away and then you go into all of the wonderful things you've discovered that support the spine of your idea. It's reversing the order. Your process as a writer might involve having to create and think and read and do all of that stuff to distill the idea. That doesn't mean that everyone has to be privy to all of that. Keep that private. All they want to know is that you have a clear idea of what you're doing.

Let them enter at the point of clarity. Then share all of the great complex flavors of what you're doing. Change the context. That means that you get to have your process unspoiled and they get to have the satisfaction of knowing what they're being given. They don't have to search for it or question it.

Working in television has taught me a lot about clarity. After my play reading last Saturday, I had to come back and get to work on the rewrite of my pilot. I knew I had to get this pilot in to my manager before the beginning of September - that was a personal goal and a bit of a mercury retrograde goal as well. So I finished a draft of the pilot on Wednesday. I set it aside while we rehearsed on Thursday and Friday. I picked it up again on Sunday. I wrote a lot of notes on Sunday, but still had a lot of questions. I felt like what I had was a mess. Then I put it down and on Monday I set aside the whole day to work on it. I tried not to put a lot of pressure on myself, even though that's completely what I was doing. As I was working on trying to figure out how to get the script down from 58 pages to around 52-54 pages, I was thinking about how to make the relationships clear. I realized that the parents in the script had motives that weren't totally clear. If I clarified their motives - particularly in a stretch of the script in the middle of the story - then I might have something. Once I landed on what those motives were, the rest of the script fell in to place. And I turned in the script on time. 

Trying to find the characters is necessary. But having someone read a draft where that's what I'm doing is not. Yes, I have close friends who will read something early on to help me figure it out. But if I'm subjecting someone to my process, then I'm giving them the ability to judge what I've done in a very early stage where I should be more protective. I'm exposing more of myself. I don't have to trust everybody with every delicate aspect of myself. That's clarity.

But there's also the question: Does everything need to be clear? I don't know. Maybe not. But that's for another time.

My intention is to work and to learn.

My intention is to break wide open.

My intention is to finish the next pilot.

I am grateful for two and a half hour conversations with good friends.

I am grateful for rest.

I am grateful for recovery.

September Morn

Even though it's 11 AM and I'm having lunch at my favorite cafe in Costa Mesa called The Gypsy Den, it's still morning to me, right? I thought of one of my favorite Neil Diamond songs, "September Morn", which is kind of melancholy and sad. That's not necessarily what I'm feeling. It's beautiful and cloudless this morning in Orange County. I'm on my way back from San Diego and I thought I'd stop and do a little reflecting on the year-to-date and to see what's ahead of me.

I set out this year trying to do a different writing challenge each month. I think the original "challenge" was to do two writing challenges, then one other challenge that could be physical or mental or spiritual. I've been far more successful in the writing challenges than the other stuff, although I did do a few of those as well.

JANUARY - Rewrite Something You Wrote Last Year - I rewrote a pilot
FEBRUARY - Play Rewrite Challenge - I finished the play I started writing in October
MARCH - "Other" challenge - I ended up working on the outline for my first script on the first TV show I wrote on; outline for new draft of January pilot; I think there was a 21 day mediation challenge in here as well.
APRIL - Wrote the TV script; rewrote a play for an upcoming reading in May; outlined the second TV script
MAY - Wrote the 2nd TV script; continuing rewrites for the May reading; started Whole 30 challenge
JUNE - started an outline for another pilot that my manager wanted me to rewrite; continued Whole 30 challenge
JULY - another meditation challenge; rewriting play for a reading and workshop in August; production on the TV show started
AUGUST - play workshop - lots of rewriting; wrote a ten minute play for a production in October; rewrote the pilot that my manager wanted me to rewrite

In the first eight months of the year, I've come up with 1294 pages written/rewritten. I have a pilot completed and a play I'm starting to send out. As a result of those accomplishments the following things have happened:

• I worked on my first TV show
• I became a member of a theatre company
• I'm a calmer person
• I have a manager
• I now have production experience producing my own episodes
• I'm becoming a member of the WGA
• I have an expanded community, which includes actors, directors, crew members, executives, producers
• I have money in the bank
• I'm teaching - something I've been wanting to do again for awhile

All because I decided to challenge myself this year. Then another set of challenges presented themselves. I did all of these things while going through a break up, while teaching in San Diego once a week, while staffed on a show and in production for a show, and while trying to live my life. This is the life I've always imagined for myself and this is the year it all started to come to fruition. Instead of worrying about if I can sustain this good fortune, I'm going to continue to do what I've always done. I'm going back to work in the cafes, korean spas, libraries and living rooms I've always done work in.  My curiosity doesn't stop because all of these wonderful things are happening. All of these wonderful things are happening because of  my curiosity and if I continue to be curious, I'm excited to see what else can happen.

Now looking forward to the rest of the year. Everything that happened was unexpected. So I'm planning to get this work done and we'll have to see what unexpected things occur. For now, I'm teaching at SDSU once a week and I'm going to finally finish work on this pilot.

I have no other new ideas for the rest of the year. I have no idea what's going to be capturing my imagination after this pilot is done. But four months to focus on teaching and rewriting a pilot that I'm hoping to finish puts me at a nice leisurely pace. As I know from the productivity of the past year, I'm not usually at a nice leisurely pace for long. I'm excited to catch up on a lot of TV and film and reading to feed my creativity again. It's nice to feel spent, but to be invigorated by that. I've got play submissions to complete in September and October. I'm probably going to do as many of those as I can in as short a period as possible so that they're all done. I'm excited about that.

There's plenty to keep me busy. I'm not worried about being bored. I'm excited to set on the next adventure.

My intention is to soar high above.

My intention is to be fearless.

My intention is to expand.

My intention is to get on another show.

My intention is to create my own show.

My intention is to see this play produced.

I am grateful for my friendships.

I am grateful for the ability to take a breath.

I am grateful for full Netflix and HBO Now queues.

I am grateful for the weekend.

The Professor is Back in the Building

The activity of last weekend and the productivity of the first part of the week seems like a distant memory because I'm back in the classroom. Not a bad thing at all. But I transitioned directly into my other role…college professor. It's pretty wild to have an experience like I just had and then go back to teaching. It has been almost five months since I was teaching Playwriting in San Diego. I went through the experience of working on the show with my class. They got to see me through that entire transition. I lucked out that I only had seven students because it was easier to juggle both things without having to bring in any subs.

But I stand in front of 26 students, and I look into their bright smiling faces, with more experience behind me. I've always had plenty of experience as a writer and someone who has pitched shows around. I've had experience as a teacher and as a person who worked with writers in development. But now I've got the experience of being on set and writing two episodes of produced television. That's incredible. And with ALL of that experience, I can share with my students what I'm learning about the business. I'm also coming off of the high of a new play that I've written and a lot of artistic success and fulfillment. I look at success differently than I did maybe even a year ago. I'm doing what I love to do. I've done it without outside recognition. And I've done it with outside recognition. What makes it feel the same is that I've learned to validate myself through the process. I'm practicing what I preach - which is that the validation has to come from within.

The successes aren't the TV show or the accolades or even getting into the WGA. It's not the friends who tell me how proud they are of me or the mother who seems to be a bit more relaxed about my life choices. It's not my brother who has seemed to silence his judgment because he can see that I'm "doing something." The success is every day that I write. The success is meeting my own deadlines. The success is the completed script before anyone sees it. It's the new idea. It's the excitement. It's the exercise and practice of my craft and creativity. It's the new perspective I have from writing something I didn't know I could write. It's the curiosity I have that drives me to writing something new.

Right now I have no new ideas. I turned in my pilot to my manager. I finished my play. I've written two episodes of TV this year which are currently being edited. I finished a ten-minute play that's being produced in a festival next month. I even have a pilot outline that I finished in March that I'm ready to dive into and write a new pilot draft from. But nothing on the horizon after that. That's scary to me.

But that's the constant act of creation. Creating something from nothing. And I've had a lot of something for a long time. But now I'm back at nothing. That's humbling. That's what keeps me motivated and moving. If I'm just chasing the next paying gig - and that's the only thing I'm chasing - then how am I refilling my creativity tank. That's the thing that gives me life. The truth is that I'm constantly replenishing it because I'm reading things and I'm going to see films and I'm watching stuff on Netflix. It's not like I'm not doing any of that stuff. But knowing that I have nothing new I'm thinking about is what brings me back down to earth. All of these great "finished" products are what everyone is seeing because they're not seeing the behind the scenes struggle. And fortunately, they're responding positively to what they're seeing. But I know that the day after my big play reading and my big night out with friends and one very famous person, I had to go back and write. I had to nurse my hangover and get that pilot done. I had to break my cycle of getting a bunch done and then not overcoming my struggle with the last project on my list. I overcame that this week. That's the true success. I'm improving my habits - replacing the bad ones with good ones.

I stand in front of my class as THAT person. The person who has faced all the challenges and soldiered on. The person who still feels like a beginner - in front of the real beginners - and can speak to the fact that it doesn't change. It never changes. You always feel like you're starting over. So why not just do it. You're never going to feel like you've "done it" or "made it." You're never going to feel accomplished or satisfied. So keep going because this journey - like the journey of life - is endless. But you're never going to reach a ceiling. You're never going to feel like you've hit a wall because there's always a new challenge ahead. That can be a thrilling proposition or a depressing one.

The great thing is that we get to choose which proposition we want.

My intention is to be still.
My intention is to take a giant leap.
My intention is to look outside and see the wonderment and the beauty of nature.
My intention is to breathe and decide what's next.

I am grateful for a beautiful cloudy morning in San Diego.
I am grateful for the hospitality of a good friend.
I am grateful for the ability to visualize my surroundings.
I am grateful to know what I want.
I am grateful to be in the WGA as a full-fledged member.
I am grateful that life keeps getting fuller and more exciting.
I am grateful to hold onto my sense of self.