What Do I Want?

Today's meditation reminded me to always ask for what I want and what I want can be as expansive as I want it to be. Sometimes it's difficult to give myself permission to ask for the things I truly want. I am thankful this exercise wasn't that hard. When I'm able to see all that's being set forth in front of me, I know I'm in a good place.

So the following is from my meditation journal around the question WHAT DO I WANT?

I want a life without limitations.

Of course my first answer was that I want a job I'm up for. Then I thought about what that meant for me. And immediately, the word FREEDOM popped into my head. Wanting that job is too small. It's one limited thing. But freedom is something more. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to say what I want to be what I want. That freedom to be myself always is important. Then another phrase popped into my head: NO LIMITATIONS.

I want NO LIMITS in declaring what I want. I put limits on myself all of the time before I even ask for what I want. So even in the asking for what I want, what I want sometimes is limited. So I need to have no limits from the conception of the thought so that when the thought becomes reality, I have asked for something that will give me full freedom. But to do that I have to be free.

Everything I want I can have. And guilt is a limitation. Feeling like I don't deserve something somehow or that it's not available to me. Feeling like there's a cost to what I want or what I ask for is a limitation. Feeling like I will hurt someone's feelings or feeling like I will embarrass someone or feeling like I will make them feel less than. Those are all limitations and I want none of those.

I always give my Mom advice. And I often ask her to ask herself the question

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I don't know if I ever consider that question myself. Or maybe I don't consider it enough. And I ask it of her in relationship to her retirement. How does she want her life to be? But I should ask myself that question in my active life - What do I want my life to be? What do I want?

I came to the conclusion after the meditation that I want a LIMITLESS LIFE. I want no limitations in what I ask for myself and of myself. I can have boundless energy and endless adventures. I can ask for exactly what I want without guilt or shame or embarrassment or fear.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something really simple. I sent in my material to a show. They were looking for a Producer level writer. At first, I looked at the email and kept scrolling. Then I came back to it. I was a Co-Producer on my show this year and the next step is Producer. I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I decided to let go of the notion that my friend who sent out the opportunity was going to laugh in my face and think I was crazy. When I've told some people, I can feel them think that I'm crazy. But that's them putting their own limitations for themselves on me. I knew that putting myself in as a Producer might make my manager agitated. But he wasn't submitting me. I knew that it might be a stretch, so I acknowledged that. But not in a way to discourage or cause doubt. I acknowledged the issue and then I explained why I am qualified. 

I didn't get the job. But that wasn't the point. I knew that I had to shift something in my brain. I had to stop thinking of the limitations. I had to stop thinking that my friend would laugh at my email or that his boss would or that my manager would get wind and think I was an idiot or that my friends when I told them that story would think I have a huge ego. Those are all limitations. Those are all doubts. Those are all Resistance - that little bugger - rearing its dirty little head. I knew that one simple action would start a ripple.

I saw a Showrunner at the Kilroy's party a few weeks ago and she asked me if I was working. I told her no. She asked to read my stuff. I thought she was filming a whole pilot, so I thought I had at least a month or so. But then I found out they were only filming a presentation. And she reached out, wondering if my manager had sent stuff over yet. I had gotten notes from him and I started implementing them by the time I got the email from her wondering where my material was. I had already been working a few days after I got his notes. So when I told him that she needed the material and I wanted to send it before I left for Sonoma, I was prepared. I didn't panic. I did the work. I did not put limitations on myself like fear, doubt, panic. I did it. I gave it to him. He turned it around and sent it. I didn't think about it.

Then I got the email yesterday that she wants to meet with me. Then I found out she wants to meet with me the day I'm leaving to Portland. I'm having my manager check to see if she can see me earlier in the week. I'm putting it out into the flow of the universe. I know it will work out the way it's supposed to.

In asking myself "What Do I Want?" I am focused on getting what I want. The next part of the meditation was about having focus once you've declared what you want. There's the quote from The Alchemist, "Once you decide what you want, the Universe conspires to help you get it." So I'm declaring what I want and I'm taking the steps necessary to get it. That also reminds me of an article I read years ago that my friend Caitlin had passed on. It was about goals versus systems. And the basic idea is that if we're set on one particular goal, it's a limitation. But if we focus on the work we need to do to accomplish that goal, without expecting an outcome, we usually get more than we had asked for in the first place. So I've been working on this "What do I Want?" question for a long time because I started implementing that mentality in my life a few years ago. And when I did that, my life started to change. I did get a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. And people started recognizing me as a prolific person. Even someone like my manager, who isn't aware that this is the way I operate says in his letters about me that I am a "young prolific playwright." Someone that got communicated to him. I wonder how? Maybe because that's what he's seeing from me.

Here's the next part of that meditation journal. What do you truly want? How will you get it? What will it feel like to have it? And who will be around you?

I want to have an entertainment empire. 

I want to be a producer/showrunner with my own shows on the air. I want to have my own ideas for shows. I want to go out and pitch them. Then I want to sell them, write them and film them. I also want the opportunity to direct once I have my first show on the air. Then I'd like to take ideas I like, but maybe can't write myself, and produce those shows as well. I want to parlay the writing into showrunning into directing and into producing. I want to have a production company that does all of this. 

I will write on other people's shows and watch how they run the room and run their set. I will work hard to learn every aspect of production from directing to set design. I will be a producer on the shows I work on. Then I will get the opportunity to pitch my own shows and take them through the pilot process. I will get those shows on the air and once I have the experience of directing under my belt - because I have also started directing play workshops and will direct my first play next year - I will start directing episodes. Eventually, I'd like to by a director for hire if I'm in between shows and want to take a break from running shows or being on staff. 

With all of this experience of being on set as a writer/director, I will start thinking about my friends' ideas and what I love but could never write. Either because I don't have that particular skill for that genre or because I don't have time. Then I will take those projects out under my own shingle and start producing projects. Once I have enough projects in the pipeline, I will have a deal at a studio and hire a development executive who will start that process. I learned about the production deal when I worked for a manager and he had his own pod. I will take that experience in how he developed work and apply it to how I develop work - mainly watching what mistakes I observed. I will have a fully functioning production company - I will borrow from what another playwright/TV writer-producer is doing and start producing plays by people of color and other interesting playwrights who interest me. This will be a natural extension of what I am doing now at Chalk Rep. All of this is a natural extension of what I'm doing at Chalk Rep with my producing of my own work and of my friend Cory's play. I'm already doing this. And if we have a relationship with a big regional theatre that we're looking into this could be a cool way to parlay what I'm doing there with what I want to do on the TV development side.

The encouraging thing is that I am already doing the work I want to be doing. I'm producing theatre and developing relationships with playwrights. I want to take that work and funnel it into production deals. I want to find a way to bring both sides of my working life - theatre and TV - together in a symbiotic way. With all of this producing, writing and directing I'll be doing I will find myself with an entertainment empire where I am a major tastemaker. I said two years ago when I was trying for the PCS job that I felt it was important that I was a major tastemaker in the theatre. That was thinking too small. And they didn't want me. But more importantly, the energy of the Universe didn't want me to think that small. A short while later I became a tastemaker in the theatre in my theatre company. I am being presented with an opportunity to be a bigger tastemaker in the theatre. And eventually, I will be a bigger tastemaker in other media, including television and streaming media.

I will have other people I respect with me: I believe in the talents of Jen, David, Cory, Carrie, Dominic, Dave, among others. But I am also getting to know more writers and directors. I loved working with Julian and Tessa on my show. I would find ways to work with them more. I love Dime and I love Alexis. I think there's room to work with them as well. Then of course there are my Gay Latino hermanos. We're all growing, so by the time I'm ready to start approaching writers to be on staff with me or to produce, we'll all be ready. And we'll all have our empires where we'll get to work with each other or even compete with each other, meaning there will be a lot of us out there.

My intention is to know what I want.

My intention is to act on what I want.

My intention is to be focused.

My intention is to see everything I have done and make it apart of the same goal.

My intention is to remind myself daily of what I have accomplished.

I am grateful that I can state it so clearly.

I am grateful that I want a lot.

I am grateful that my heart and soul are in it.

I am grateful to have the support of a strong and capable community around me.

I am grateful that what I want is what I already have but on a bigger scale.

I am grateful that I know that all of this is attainable.

I am grateful that I am already working on it.

I am grateful that I can see it.

My Baby Wrote Me a Letter

I've been doing the Oprah/Deepak Meditation Challenge and I'm a few days behind. But the Day 4 Meditation had me reflecting in a journal and asked me to write a letter to myself. I thought it was so helpful that I figured I'd share. This is a letter to remind myself to be good to myself.

Dear Self:

People love being around you. They feel better after talking to you. You create a light in whatever room you walk into. Maybe that's because you walk in with a smile. You're always smiling and that immediately puts people at ease. Then you say something affirming or insightful and people immediately feel they can trust you. You put aside your own ego mainly to listen and to be helpful to others. Honestly, at the core, you believe that we're all better if we're in community with one another and not competition. You have so many groups of people around you who affirm you and who you also affirm. You're generous with your time and your spirit. You become better when you are surrounded by others.

Yes, you're a talented writer. That's not hard to see. You really consider who your characters are and you don't judge them. That's because you try your hardest not to judge others. Sometimes you're not successful, but mainly you succeed. You live most of your life not in judgment of others, but in service to them and in relationship to them. Your ability to be this generous is what makes you an incredible writer. You pay attention - you find the humor and love in every day life.

You're a member of the WGA - a full, fledged, due paying member. You're a Co-Producer of a TV show and have worked hard to get there. You deserve to be acknowledged for that. You help run a theatre company - a whole group of people had a conversation about you when you weren't there, acknowledged everything I just mentioned about you and decided that they wanted you with them. You have writers telling you how helpful your notes are. You have students telling you the same thing. You're a respected college professor as well. You're a professional writer, the thing you've always wanted to be.

You listen. You care for your friends. You care for your family. You give up your time to help others. You have a generous spirit towards everyone you meet. And if there's someone who isn't up to par, you let them be on their way without judgment. You understand that everyone's journey is their own and you don't want to impede on anyone's path. You take in the good things. You live your life, not in a writer's cave, but out in the world. You experience things and let them affect you. You acknowledge the pain and struggle in your life and you figure out how to make it work for you.

You are present. You are with everyone you meet. You're a great friend. You're going to be a great partner to someone again someday. You've got so much to offer everyone. And they know it. And now, so do you.

I need the daily reminder of my successes. If I don't remember them, then how will others know everything I've done and how capable I am of the things I'm trying to do. I liked this one. And it was in response to the first exercise, which asked me to write down the ways I feel competitive with other people or how I compare myself. Here's that response, which then prompted the next exercise, which was basically " be good to yourself, no matter what.

I compare myself to others all of the time. Mainly in my work as a TV writer, but also in my personal life with people who look better than me or have relationships. It makes me feel inadequate every time. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough or I haven't done enough. I believe that someone's opportunity has closed a door for me and that I have to hunt around for the next door. I also believe that I am better when I get something and someone else doesn't. Or I am worse if someone else gets something that I wanted.

My intention is to see good things in myself.

My intention is to celebrate myself.

My intention is to be good to myself.

My intention is to be forgiving.

I am grateful for my friends. 

I am grateful for the life I get to live.

I am grateful for the fun I bring.

I am grateful for the good I spread.

I am grateful that people support me.

Weekend at Billy's

This weekend did not end with someone dying and being propped up.

Every year, I spend one weekend at my friend Bill's house at an annual party. I get the chance to reconnect with my community here, which is really Bill's circle of friends. I've known Bill for twelve years since we met at a pool in Palm Springs without our clothes on during Fourth of July weekend. I've been up to his Sonoma house because of parties with hot guys. I've stayed here for my birthday before in the winter. I've been up at the house with different boyfriends. I love Bill because he's a great friend and always has great people around him.

He's also a great example of someone thriving in his 60s, staying active in both his work and his social life. Even though Bill has money and has a thriving life, he's grounded and our conversations about life and career are aways mutually beneficial. Right now, it's after 11:30 PM and I'm sitting outside at a table in his backyard, with a string of lights above me and my laptop out. I came here for relaxation and to get away from how busy my life has been. And I'm sure glad I did.

I was supposed to read some scripts this weekend. One of them I got through. And the two others I will pick up tomorrow morning and give writers' notes. The two scripts I started reading have some issues, so I wasn't compelled to finish them yet. I didn't want to spend such a beautiful night in this beautiful place reading scripts I wasn't excited about. I'd rather write in my blog and reflect on the weekend.

I drove up Friday morning and I did the thing I always do on this long drive to the Bay Area. I did it in silence - for the most part. I had some music on in the beginning of the trip. But most of it was spent quietly reflecting on life. I have done this quiet drive from LA to the Bay Area for the past five or six years. It's my favorite way to spend the drive. I don't know what compelled me to do it in the first place, but I love the silence.

Then I got to Bill's and we packed up and headed to Sonoma. The conversation on the way up was good as always. We caught up on what's going on with our mutual friends Thomas, Scott, and Shawn who weren't going to be there this weekend. These guys are my touchstones and the guys I know the best out of his group. I was nervous that I wasn't going to have anyone to talk to. But I knew I'd have time in the kitchen with Rafael and time hanging out at the pool with Ventura. I knew there would be dancing and laughing, but I didn't know there would also be high heels and wigs. Spending so much time lately trying to get this new pilot script done and out the door left me with a serious need to play dress up. I told Bill about the guy who I might have a connection with. We got to the house and then made it to a local winery for some tasting. Then Ventura and Rafael arrived and we went to dinner. We laughed so much and then came back and danced, drank and put on a fashion show of our looks for the party the next day. I didn't think about my writing at all. I wasn't worried about a deadline. I could just be silly and have fun.

The next morning we woke up and got ready for the party, I was on guacamole duty and food prep with Rafael while Bill and Ventura got the house ready with rainbow flags. Guests started arriving. We started drinking. We got in the pool and I had a speedo on. Then we changed and went to this outdoor dance party and came back to the house later that night and had a lot more fun. I ended up skinny dipping with this married guy named Jack and we had an incredible conversation about relationships and sexuality. We made a connection and I went to bed feeling enlightened.

This morning I woke up and started cleaning up the kitchen from the night's debauchery. Then Bill came and got me to head to the local deli and market for some breakfast. We sat in the deli and chatted about the night before and recounted funny stories while trying to make sure a young, unsupervised boy did not pull the fire alarm again in the market. We were joined later by our friends and then we headed off to the pool for an afternoon of hanging out in our respective speedos telling jokes and making each other laugh. Then we went to dinner for our friend Mickey's birthday and had ice cream. Everyone else went back to SF. Bill and I are staying here one last night before driving back to SF tomorrow so I can drive down to San Jose and see my college friends for dinner.

Bill and I sat outside after coming back home and we chatted about our work habits. Our constant need to communicate with people articulately through email. Our attention to detail. Our obsession with organization and clarity. As I'm more of a professional than I've ever been, listening to Bill's stories about the way he works reinforced that I have a method to working that works. There were a lot of similarities in the way that we both work. And Bill has been very successful. It let me know that I am on the right track.

Being with Bill and the caliber of his friends was a good litmus test for the relationships - both professional and personal - that I want to have. Yes, Bill has money and status and two incredible homes. But his homes are populated with the most supportive group of friends. And Bill has such a generosity of spirit when it comes to welcoming people in his home. We talked a lot about community. He asked who my posse is in LA. And I talked about Cory and Dominic - my writers posse. We talked about my Gay Latino Writers Group. I realized that I have so many communities in my life of people who support me. I'm always running off to something. This week alone I am starting out leaving Sonoma and my SF community. Then I go to see my Santa Clara community of former teachers, colleagues and classmates. I'm returning to LA on Tuesday specifically to attend a WGA LGBT writers committee meeting with the Gay Latino Writers. I have another WGA event on Wednesday. Then my theatre company has a bimonthly event on Thursday. And Friday I'm having lunch with my friend David who I haven't seen in awhile to just catch up. These are my people. This is my group. This is who takes up my time when I'm not writing. I've got a great posse. I'm really lucky.

I say that from under the stars in wine country. I say that as a sit in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved cotton cashmere t-shirt. I say that outside my good friend Bill's home. I say that looking out at the vineyard. I say that being on this beautiful property I can call part of my home away from home in the Bay Area.

My intention is to rest.
My intention is to recharge.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to enjoy.

I am grateful for the warm heart and hospitality of old friends.
I am grateful for the sincere love shown to me.
I am grateful to have time to just be and sleep.
I am grateful to be single.
I am grateful that I am here alone.
I am grateful that this is where I feel at peace right now.

In My Own Voice

I had dinner last week with my fellow writers on our last day in the writers room.

My friend Gina and I sat next to each other in this darkly lit, romantic restaurant in Woodland Hills. We've been friends for over ten years and Gina has seen my work evolve. We worked on a ten minute play festival together that we produced with other NYU alumni writers. We've been good friends for a long time and Gina has always been supportive. She has come to various play readings of mine and came to one over the summer of the play I wrote that I basically feel has changed the way I write.

As we've sitting over dinner and everyone else is talking, Gina leans over and says, "You know, I have to tell you again how great that play is." I nodded politely and thanked her. "I don't think we've ever talked about it. Is [my manager] sending it out?"

I told her that he wasn't - we actually share the same manager. Then she proceeded to tell me something really beautiful and humbling. She said that the play was something special. That she knew my work and that my other work was good, but this was ME. I listened to her compliments, which were so kind, and I just nodded with the occasional thank you. I told her that I had been afraid to write in that voice because I felt like it was too much. She looked me right in the eye.

"You should always write in that voice. That's your voice."

I have been writing since I was in the seventh grade. Miss Russell would have us write short stories and all of my stories were about comic book heroes because all I did was watch TV and read comic books. Then in high school I stopped reading comic books and I started writing little short stories or novellas. I wrote something that was 120 pages once - at my little computer in the corner during one summer. I think it was about the boy across the street that I had a crush on. In college, I wrote more fiction and eventually started writing plays.

I couldn't stop writing. I had a lifetime's worth - at that point, 20 years - of things to say. I never thought it was bad, but I knew my writing wasn't as good as it could be. I thought that about my writing for years. I had emotion that I couldn't tap into. I didn't know if I ever would tap into it. I was writing characters who were supposed to be far more mature than I. But nothing stopped me. I wanted to be that person I saw myself becoming one day.

Eventually, I got to graduate school. And then I got out here to LA to try and write in TV. I had developed a personality, but my writing didn't have that distinction. Yet I was still obsessed to become a better writer. And through writing I became better. I became a skilled technician as a writer. And with some luck, I would have had a career as that writer. I am of mixed race - someone should have hired me back then. I should have had a career earlier purely because I checked a lot of boxes - I could have been a very rich quota filler.

Year after year, I would get angrier and more frustrated that something wasn't happening. I would hear bosses and people I respected say to me, "You're doing all of the right things." Yet, it never felt that way. The one thing that kept me going was that I could feel myself getting better. I knew that in script after script, I was getting better. And for the record, I had some excellent spec scripts for shows like The Office, 30 Rock and Modern Family. I stand by the proficiency of all of those specs. I also had about 10 others that were at various levels of good. Any of these scripts could or should have gotten me a job at that point, I thought. I just was tired of waiting.

But something gnawed at the back of my brain. I had no voice. I was funny in person. I was weird. I was attractive and liked to socialize. I had stopped being shy and awkward and became someone who could fake being cool - or at least, cool enough. At that point, I was even living a Hollywood life - by hitching my wagon to a guy to whom that was of paramount importance. So I made it important to me. But I did nothing to find this voice. I found a lot of noise to distract and to drown out any silence so it wouldn't be obvious that I had no voice in my writing. And at that time, I literally had no voice in my relationship. I was living someone else's dream of how to live.

We broke up. My Dad got sick. (I'm fast-tracking this because a lot of this stuff I've covered throughout the history of this blog.) I didn't know if I wanted to be a writer any more. It felt stupid. It felt indulgent and selfish. And I wasn't successful at it. But late at night I wrote anyway. Dad had bad days and I had to hold a lot of my own pain and suffering in. I had to be his caretaker. So at night, I would write - waiting for him to wake up and need something. I wrote things that had no real consequence. I wrote to keep from going crazy - it didn't matter to my what I was writing. I needed something to distract me. Then I found my way into another relationship - this time with someone much nicer, but also someone who needed me to be something I wasn't. I still hadn't gotten over that.

Dad died. I took a year to do nothing but go to therapy once a week. I didn't work. I lived off of unemployment for much longer than I needed to. But it was there and I kept getting extensions and I thought, "Why the fuck not?" I decided to take time for me. And I did a lot of soul searching during that time. I still hadn't found my voice yet. Not even the direct aftermath of my Dad's death would do that. But I had started writing about death in my work - I never had a character die or dealt with death anywhere in my plays or spec TV pilots. The good thing was that I spent a lot of time writing and getting better at writing these pilots. I got involved with my writers group to run writing challenges and to encourage my fellow writers to write pilots. I had worked in a development job for seven years where I got to see first hand what it was like to create some of the most influential TV shows of the past decade. I knew things. And I needed a community. So I took advantage and made myself available. I had a lot of friends tell me I should become an executive or a manager. But I felt too old for that, even years ago. And I was stubborn. I was going to write. I realized that even though nothing was more important than taking care of my Dad when he was sick, that I had to write. And I wasn't going to let a fickle TV industry tell me who I was or should be as a writer. I stopped chasing the dragon. I wrote without getting paid. In the two year period when I decided that I was going to make time to write no matter what, I wrote eight scripts and 3000 pages. I didn't care whether or not I was going to be called a writer by other people. I was writing.

Two years ago - in the second year of that two year period - I proposed a play to a theatre company that was going to develop five new plays with writers. I had seen a news report the year earlier about active shooter drills and I wanted to write an epic eight character play about it. And I did. And it had all of the characteristics of plays I had written before. It had humor. It had a crafty structure. It was smart. But if I'm being honest, it didn't have that specific voice. I love that play. I owe my TV career to that play. People like that play. I am so grateful for that play.

People did really like the play. And I had a friend tell me this was my "silver bullet play." It's her theory that there's that piece of material that "hits it out of the ballpark (a phrase that I hate, but not hers)." It's this idea that you've got the play that cuts through it all. It was the best thing I had written up to that point. It's a great play for a number of reasons. And in the middle of writing that play, I had two friends ask me when I was going to write about my Dad and when I was going to write a play in the voice that's how I talk to them - full of vulgarities and no fucks. I flippantly said they were the same play.

And they were.

Because so many people told me that the shooter play was going to be my silver bullet, I started writing this other play. The shooter play had a great reading - so wonderful and fulfilling. But I couldn't listen to more complements. They were starting to raise my expectations and I knew that was dangerous for me. So I started on this other thing. I brought in the first 19 pages to my writers group and the head of the group flipped over it. "Keep writing. This is fucking amazing." My stomach had been turning at the thought of hearing it out loud because I had never written like this before. I finished the play three months later.

Long story only slightly shorter: He read it. He loved it. The company committed to a workshop. Then they asked me to join the company. Then we did a workshop five months later and that's the reading Gina saw.

That was my voice. 

It was me. I couldn't hide. I was vulgar and talking about my sex life and my dad's death. I was bare. And it was the play that made me see myself differently. I often say that my dad's death broke me open. Well, this play broke me open as a writer. I am different now.

And my friend Gina telling me that I was a good writer before, but that this was another level, really made me feel thankful for the entirely of my journey. This writer gets to experience the joy of writing this play. If I had the other things happen - purely out of luck, because I was no where near the writer I am now - then maybe I wouldn't be here for this. This is the guy I was trying to be. And now I don't know the person I'll be beyond this guy. But if life has taught me anything in the past five years, it's to  shout out to the Universe at the top of my lungs:

Surprise me.

I've learned to LOVE surprises.

My intention is to not know.
My intention is openness.
My intention is wonder.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is adventure.

I am grateful for the years nothing happened.
I am grateful for the more than 20 scripts I have written.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for patience.
I am grateful for my stubbornness.
I am grateful for my joy.
I am grateful that I am the person who wrote that play.

Be Happy

Yesterday, I went to my WGA New Member Orientation and I sat in a room of maybe about 75 writers who were all new to the WGA, including a friend of mine. In the presentation, a few Guild members talked about the gratification of being paid to write and how we all have done something that's near to impossible. The statistic is that you've got a better chance of being drafted by a major league baseball team than getting into the WGA. It made me think of the other impossible things I've done - like scoring in the top 1% of my incoming high school Freshman class in our entrance exam and getting a full ride to NYU. This was a dream of mine and it had come true.

At the end of the presentation, we each got a framed certificate acknowledging our entry into the Guild. I think it was the framed part that got me - this felt like a diploma of sorts. At the very least it was an achievement and to have that acknowledgement meant the world. My friend poo-pooed it a bit by saying he didn't need a framed certificate and made fun of it a bit. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. I found out that he got into the WGA only a year before me and I had no idea. I took a picture of my framed certificate and put it on Facebook - 128 likes so far. I found it interesting that he became a member while we've known each other and I had no clue. I'm incredibly proud of being a member of my Guild and I'm excited to get involved in this community.

We went to the holiday party tonight together, my friend and I. And there had been some tension about a job I had recently gotten to teach at a prestigious private university. It was a job he had spoken to the university about and I got it. At the time, he seemed to be upset about it because it's something he wanted. The subject came up again tonight when someone asked him about the job and he pointed to me and said that I got the job. I didn't want to discuss it in front of someone else. But it was brought up and I had to acknowledge to my friend that I felt uncomfortable. On the ride home, he assured me that he was happy for me and only wants the best for me, which I believe. I told him that the part that hurt my feelings was that he asked me if I was taking the job once I found out our show was coming back. I want to still teach even though I'm staffed. I can make it work and I plan to.

In his need to know that we're okay - which we are - he mentioned that he wanted to make sure that I knew he thought I deserved it. I told him that my hurt wasn't about feeling like he thought I didn't deserve it. My hurt came from him asking if I was turning down the job. I told him that I didn't care whether or not he thought I deserved it. And he seemed to take offense to that or thought I made a blunt statement. But I'm not hurt because I think he thinks I don't deserve it.

The great RuPaul has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business." And I try to live by that saying. What my friend thinks of me is none of my business and it has no relevance on how I feel about the job. I know I deserve it. Nothing's shaking that. I'm not sure if he was thrown by the fact that I said it didn't matter what he thought. That sounds harsh, but it's true. That does not penetrate me. He can think I don't deserve it, but that does not change my opinion that I do. Nothing can shake that. I also know I deserve to have my staff job and my two teaching jobs.

Now that I look at this situation closer, I know that my friend remarked to me that he really wanted to be involved in the theatre company that asked me to join as a member. And for the record, we love his work and we're doing a workshop in the Spring. But me joining the company does not change how the company feels about him - it doesn't mean that they like him any less. Yet I feel like my friend thinks that.

My whole life I have held myself back for these very reasons. I never wanted someone to feel bad because of something I did or something that happened to me. I have a lot of friendships where I don't deal with that.

I made the choice a while back that I have to be happy for what I have and not unhappy for what I don't have. At that party tonight, I felt like I was in a community. I was with writers who had sold things and staffed on shows. We were in this club where people have had success. My friend had sold two pilots to get into the WGA. Everyone at that party had to be successful in order to be there because that success led to them joining the Guild.

A year ago, if this had happened, I would have spent time affirming my friend of how incredible and amazing he is because I felt guilty for my success. I didn't do that - not because I'm an asshole, but because I don't have to compensate for good things that have recently happened to me. He even acknowledged that he needed affirmation after he affirmed that he thought I deserved everything that happened and that he was happy for me. His immediate reaction was, "Now you tell me something great about me." I did it and I meant it. But as I'm typing this now, I'm realizing how fucked up that is.

And by the way, I sent my friend an email this afternoon telling him how great I thought his new play is and we're doing a workshop of it soon. I didn't send him an email telling me how much I love love love his play and then ask him to then say something nice about me. My friend's having a hard time and is spiraling. And as a friend, I love him and I support him. But it's hard when you realize that someone is happy for you with certain conditions and needs you to make them feel good about themselves. Some might say that's friendship. And I love to tell my friends how much I love and support them, but I want that to be my idea. Not theirs.

It goes back to something another friend and I were taking about today. Be happy. Acknowledge and love what you have and don't focus on what you don't have. If I'm not working, I have a lot of time on my hands and I try to make the most of that. I also have moments where I have some money and the opportunity to go somewhere and write for a week. Or visit a friend in another city. Or just hit the road and not think so hard. Tomorrow, I go to Vegas for a week to write. I need to make use of this time before I start on the show. I want to be supportive of my friend, but ultimately I have to make sure I devote the time I need to getting my work done. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I guess that's why I'm single and why I need to be. I love my friend and I want him to be happy. That's it. I hope he can get out of this funk soon.

My intention is love.
My intention is open mindedness.
My intention is acceptance.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is clarity. 
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for new writer communities in my life.
I am grateful for my voice.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for knowing who I am and what I want.

What's Wrong With Being Confident?

The title of this post is from a Demi Lovato song - where I get all of my pop culture wisdom. I play it in my car when I want to get pumped up. I work out to it. I sing along and let the message of the song seep into my consciousness…apparently.

I had a conversation with my friend David last night to catch up. He asked me if I feel like I've made it. I asked him to clarify. He said that he used to hear the worry in my voice, but since getting the TV job, he doesn't hear that in my voice any more.

Do I feel like I've made it?

My knee jerk reaction was to say, "Of course, I don't feel that way. I worry. I worried last week when I thought my manager wasn't doing enough for me. Remember that?" Wow. Defensive.

It's true. I worry. I'm not immune to it. I feel the same insecurities we all feel. I'm only teaching one class a week right now. I don't have any jobs on the horizon. I'm not taking any meetings. I have plenty of reason to let my anxieties take over.

But it's true that I've also said something over the past several years - Anxiety's a waste of time. Once I stopped worrying so much, I made time for a lot of other things - like work. Why was I getting so defensive when David asked me that question? I was worried that I wasn't worrying enough. Are people going to think that I think I've got it made? Are they going to think that I'm that arrogant? Are they going to think less of me?

See? I worry.

It's because one of my closest friends brought something to my attention. That I wasn't worried enough. That's not how he meant it, but that's at the bottom of that statement. And it hit me to the core because I'm vulnerable when it comes to what David thinks of me. Because I love him - we're tight. I do care what he thinks. And here I was in this place of worry last night during this conversation. I even asked for a follow up.

Have I changed? Do you feel like I feel more confident?

The answer was yes. And not in a bad way. But I have changed.

But wasn't this the goal all along? To not worry as much? To change the way I look at myself and my career. To go back to the friend I've been mentioning for the past several blog posts, that guy is full of worry. There's so much uncertainty in this business and in life in general - so the natural reaction is to worry. It feels a bit unnatural for someone to not have a worry. Either that person is blind or lying - that's not David's opinion or my friend's opinion - that's the general consensus. That's what we're trained to think. And I don't think that way any more. I've succeeded!

Right?

So why am I not worried? I don't know. I have plenty of reason to worry. But I trust the surprise element and the unexpected. I also trust that there's always something in the box. In The War of Art and Turning Pro, Pressfield talks about trust. He says that we have to trust that the muse will be there for us as long as we're letting her know where we're at every day. We have to trust that the idea will be there. We have to trust that the Universe will be there with a work opportunity or a job or a meeting. And I've successfully managed to do that.

Until last night? Well, that doesn't mean I've failed. It doesn't mean that I have to go back to square one and get back to the level of not worrying I was at before. It was another check in - thanks, Universe! It's a marker to let me know how far I've come in not letting anxiety rule me. Now does that read as arrogance or feeling like I've made it. It could. I've been afraid all of my life about getting ahead of the pack and that's why I haven't. I never wanted people to think that I thought I was better than them or smarter. I honestly don't care about that any more. I'll never be the smartest person in the room, but I'm happy to be myself. And if that means I seem like I'm relaxed and this is all easy, I can't be responsible for how people see that. It's not personal - they're not judging me. I'm judging myself. And even if people think I'm arrogant or full of myself, that's not my responsibility to try to remedy.

My friend David loves me and he wants the best for me - I know that and he made that clear last night. He's not jealous or envious. He's got a ton of things going on, more than he realizes. We talked about that last night. It's hard to know what you've got going on because you're so inside of it. He has a play that has won a ton of awards and notices. It's a play that he thought was dead in the water a year ago. I remember saying to him - I LOVE that play. It's not over. And it wasn't over. He's an incredibly talented guy and has been teaching for the past several years. He's on a roll, but it's hard to know that until things start manifesting into jobs and opportunities. I get that.

I don't have to worry that about being too confident. I don't have to worry that I'm pissing people off with my attitude - I've always pissed people off with how positive I am. That's who I am. He loves me. My friends and family love me. And I don't worry as much. Why? Because I can't do anything about any of this. I have control and I have options. If this manager doesn't work out, I'll find another. I found this guy and I'm not a shitty writer. I'll find another job. I know that I create good impressions and every job I've ever had has turned into a bigger opportunity than it was originally supposed to. That has been the case in every single job I've ever had. For me, I have to decide where I want to shine that spotlight. What part of the lawn do I want to grow? Which part of the garden should I attend to? The tomatoes? The strawberries? The herbs? The onions? The lettuce? That's all any of this is. What part of the garden will I attend to? Because I know that where I put my attention, that part of the garden will grow - and bigger than I could have planned for.

The best remedy for worry is work. And that's what I try to stay focused on. My friend David reminded me of that last night. I put all of my worry and hesitation and anxiety into the work and that keeps me distracted. Soon the worry goes away and I create more opportunity for good things to happen without thinking about it.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is forward motion.
My intention is focus.
My intention is self-validation and self-care.
My intention is compassion.

I am grateful for friends who check me with love.
I am grateful for colleagues.
I am grateful for public gatherings that reflect back to me where I'm at in my life now.
I am grateful for moments of stillness.
I am grateful for my mediation practice.

My Mom's Never Seen Anything I've Done

My story isn't the story of the supportive family that has seen everything I've done. My friend Elizabeth had her family fly out to see her short ten minute play and as she was telling me about it, I felt like this is a regular occurrence. I'm not saying my family isn't proud. I'm not saying that my mother doesn't want to see my work. I kind of keep it away from her. Well, I tried not include her last year in a play reading I had. She ended up canceling at the last minute. I'm sure that soured me to the idea of including her.

Some of my reluctance probably has to do with PTSD from being a kid and not feeling understood. I felt like an alien in my family and eventually it just felt better to stay on my planet. But tonight, Mom came to the show. I was featured in an evening of ten-minute plays. I wasn't nervous about her seeing the show. But I think I wanted her to see something more substantial. My play's good and it's an effective, cute ten-minute play. But I know that I have another, more recent play that's much more of who I am. I didn't let her come to that reading because I was nervous. I don't think I was ready to have my Mom see something that personal.

So maybe this was the perfect introduction. My Mom said a lot of people came up to her and said she had a very talented son. It's strange, but I kind of have no reaction to that. I've got the most supportive friends. And people who really respect me. But it's honestly a little embarrassing to have people say that about me to my Mom. I don't think that's a great thing. But it just happens to be the way I react. I'm thrilled my friends have said such nice things. I wonder if it's that obvious that I need that sort of validation. Probably. I'm pretty transparent.

I'm learning to be more open with my family about my work. I've written about them, so I guess I'll have to confront my fears more directly. I've written a play about my family and that felt so exposing whenI did it. I never really pictured any of my family seeing the play. Ironically, that might be the play they see first. I guess I want my family to be proud of me. But honestly, I probably want my peers to like my work more than I want my family to. Those are the people I get nervous around.

At my last reading, it meant a lot that my peers showed up for me and were really moved. Those are the folks who I want validation from. The important part to me was that my Mom had a good time and got to meet my friends. At the end of the day, I wasn't nervous because I know my Mom loves me anyway. I know that whatever I do, she's proud of. I know she was happy to be there and happy to be there as my Mom. That's what's great about Mom's. They're going to support their kids because that's their kid doing their thing. I should be more grateful and not expect my mom to be my critic. Because it's not going to happen. I already have an inner critic. And plenty of outer critics. The question becomes:

Why do I need so much criticism? Why do I seek it out?

My intention is to silence the critics.
My intention is to be kinder to myself.
My intention is to be more grateful.

I am grateful for my Mom's support.
I am grateful for great friends.
I am grateful for the opportunities I've been given this year.

Creative Crushes

Everyone who knows me knows that I crush hard on dudes all of the time. I'm a flirt. There are cute actors I work with and I never hesitate to embarrass myself by getting all giddy around them. But there are some people who I crush out on because they're freaking talented. And they're not all dudes.

Right now I'm crushing hard on my friend Jen who's an amazing director I just worked with. We definitely want to work together again. She's adorable. And really freaking intuitive and amazing. I always have said that I like directors who kind of beat me up a bit. And Jen did none of that. She was super gentle and really laid back. But all of her instincts were so dope that I just fell in love with her. Even the way we ended up working together was super cute. We were both too shy to say that we wanted to work together on this new play. We're both members of the same theatre company and neither one of us spoke up. So when we finally figured out that we wanted to work together, we both had to admit that we were totally into each other creatively. It's super sweet. I realized working with Jen that I don't need to be ripped a new one in order to produce good shit. This is the best play I've written and it came about in an incredibly loving, gentle process.

I'm super crushed out on my friend David. Everyone knows it. It's a huge joke at this point and it even was a little bit of an issue at one point. But I believe in his talent so much and think he's really the bee's knees. I don't have anyone in my life who is as open with his feelings and as unabashedly himself at all times. He can't help himself. And I'm kind of like that. I'm very slutty with the way I express my feelings. I'm totally open. He's a kindred spirit and I adore him. And he's writing this play right now that I'm totally into and I can't wait for him to finish it.

Of course, I'm crushed out on my friend Carrie who's just a delight. She's funny and sweet and also an open book. She's weird like me in the best way. She's a rare flower of a writer and all of her stuff is totally brilliant. She dresses great, too. She's got a cool sense of style that's not overworked or too thought out. It's a total extension of her character.

I'm kind of crushed out on my friend Cory's writing. He's really good. Our relationship is probably way more brotherly. But it's kind of crushy. He's just too good. He's brainy. He's not really even that nerdy. He's kind of studly, but in the body of a brainy-looking guy. I adore talking to him because I feel really smart whenever we chat.

Creative crushes are important. These are people whose work I love and who I want to work with. But they're also people who I totally have a flirty friendship with. It's because I unabashedly express how much I love them all. They all warm my heart and make me feel like I actually know something because I'm smart enough to be their friend. It's true. I'm nerdy that way.

My intention is to keep going.

My intention is to celebrate.

My intention is to relax.

I am grateful for the company of all of my creative crushes.

I am grateful for great music.

I am grateful for the repeat function on my iTunes.

I am grateful for the quiet hours I spend at the Korean Spa.

Community: Other Writers

The last three posts I've written have centered on the subject of community. I know that without a community of writers, supporters, friends, theatre artists, professional colleagues that it's very hard for me to be productive. Writing is such a solitary experience and it's hard to get up every day and work on something new. I'm experiencing that now. I went out last night to see some old friends who were gathering nearby because it's hard to just be in a room focusing on my goals all of the time. I'm about to head to an annual pool party that The Playwrights Union holds to see friends and to socialize. I often undervalue the need to be out and about and to socialize. I'm so focused on the things I need to get done, that it's easy to forget about the people around me. I need to get together with my friends and commiserate and to encourage and to laugh. So this post is about those people in the Playwrights Union who inspire me and keep me going. I have plenty of other writer friends, but it's something about playwrights who are a little different.

I've written about not having a community several years ago and being surrounded by a bunch of aspiring TV writers. Nothing against them. But I felt like most of the people I was meeting were not particularly well-read or well-informed on the business they were pursuing. People would tell me that they didn't watch a lot of TV or read a lot. I had friends who worked in development who didn't have a wide spread knowledge of TV and film - and forget about literature or plays. I never understood that. The great cultural philosopher Bethenny Frankel has a chapter in her seminal book A Place of Yes where she says that everyone should "Know Your Business", whatever that particular business happens to be. And while I don't make it a habit to take advice from reality television, Bethenny speaks a lot of truth here. If you want to be in an area of business, you should know it well. I'm a writer because I'm an enthusiast. I'm an enthusiast for knowledge and experience. I read a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I watch films. I read and see plays. I listen to a shit ton of music. I go to museums. My mind sponge is constantly absorbing as much as I can take in. So when I meet people who don't know "their business" I get a little tripped up.

To explain, I grew up with a best friend who is the ultimate enthusiast. She has been raised by a mother who's a serious enthusiast. I was shamed when I didn't know something. Out of that embarrassment, I realized that I should be learning or absorbing information at all times so I wouldn't have a quizzical look on my face every time she would mention a book or an author or a public figure or a painting. It's impossible to know EVERYTHING. But to be familiar with most things is an incredible skill. It makes you seem smarter than you actually are and it makes people think you are interesting. 

It can also be a serious turn off. My ex-boyfriend was incredibly intimidated by this trait. He felt like I thought I knew everything. He may have not had a pathological need to know everything, but I do. And if you can't hang with that, then you can't hang with me. It should be more exciting than intimidating. I've taken a lot of things from this way of growing up, but I haven't taken to shaming people for things they don't know. And that's only because I'm not an adult trying to impart information to a young child with a curious mind. I have three young minds who I might be shaming in the near future because I want them to keep their curious minds open and free.

There are people who tend to be informed and excited - playwrights. Yeah, we're all a bunch of smartie pants. Yes, we're a little pretentious at times. Yes, we like to rattle off what we know. But I always feel like I learn things from them. I like the feeling of not feeling like the smartest person in the room. I might have an area of expertise of specialized interest, but I don't have that expertise everywhere. But it's not just knowledge and information that I get from my fellow playwrights. It's difficult doing something that feels like a dying art and that you can't make money from. It's difficult having a passion that sometimes prevents us from making gobs of money. We have a talent and a skill - and that's story telling - there's a way to monetize that. There's a way to exploit that. And as writers who want to survive and save for the future, we need to exploit that from time to time. But to keep my voice alive, I also have to ignore the instinct to always cash in. 

When I write a new play, my primary instinct isn't how to get it produced. At this point, I don't even think about the "American Theatre." To me, the American Theatre is a narrow target. It thrives because it continues to feed itself things that support it. That's fine. But I can't write something commercial and expect it to fulfill me creatively or to satisfy my soul's instinct. I write things that I write and if people get on the train, great. But I'm not writing things to get people to like me. That might seem like it's antithetical to getting produced. I don't want to be produced for things that don't represent me. I don't want to put that out there. I write things that answer a question I need answering or that explore something I don't understand.

Yet, I work in TV. And not all of those jobs are about creating something of my own. Writing in TV for me is about going to ballet class. I'm re-enforcing my technique and working on a movement vocabulary. It's like learning your rudiments in music. It increases how well you're able to articulate something. It's pure craftsmanship. Working as a writer on someone else's show is about apprenticeship and developing skills. It's about being in a writer's room and learning from how others communicate their ideas. It's about learning how to handle yourself in stressful situations. It's about managing personalities. It's about being on set and sitting behind a director. It's about learning a visual language that you can incorporate into your textual language. I love working in TV and I want to do more of it to learn that way of telling stories. But being a TV writer is about being a writer/producer/showrunner/director/project manager/negotiator/mentor/cheerleader/politician. That's a different job than just being a playwright. And the trick is not to get the two confused. Being a playwright or a novelist or a poet to me is solely about being a writer.

I keep getting distracted, but where I want to get back to is here: Being a writer is difficult and working on one key skill involves a ton of sacrifice and solitude. Those of us who do that - part-time or full-time - need encouragement and need to know that we're not in it alone. We also need to encourage each other to keep it interesting and innovative and individual. So when someone who's not a writer tells me that a theatre won't produce my family drama that has six characters, I say FUCK YOU. That's not why I'm writing it. Don't get in my way. When I'm discouraged from writing an eight character play about the effects of school shootings and those eight actors have to represent a community and a consciousness - I say that every one of those actors is necessary and useful. There is no dead air and wasted energy. I'm using every part of the animal to make this happen. Yes, there might be a ton more two, three or four character plays that take place in one room in continuous action. Absolutely. But that doesn't excite me. I'd rather have the freedom of multiple locations and direct dialogue that TV or film provides. Writing an "easily producible" play doesn't teach me anything. I'm chasing the wrong thing. Yes, I might have a two-hander in me. But it's got to be born out of a question or a challenge. When people call my plays cinematic, they're calling them big in scale. Angels in America is cinematic AND theatrical. What about Execution of Justice or Arcadia or Lydee Breeze? These are much larger plays than the one I'm writing and they cover a lot of ground. I'd much rather learn to write plays on that scale. But that's not necessarily where I'm at either. I like the restriction of a certain amount of characters and I like to double and triple cast. But again, that creates a different sort of theatrical language and challenge.

I keep going back to my aesthetic when I'm trying to talk about community. But those are the traits I admire in my friends. I admire their desire to push. I admire their desire to remain true to their own vision of the theatre. They aren't writers who are getting produced everywhere. But they're all brilliant. And there has to be a place for those of us who went to Northwestern, Brown, Yale, NYU, Columbia, the New School, UCSD (I mention these because they're the "big schools") and are still not household names. We're in the arena. We're ready to play. Maybe there's a different stadium that needs to be built.

My intention is to feel supportive by my community today.

My intention is to have fun.

My intention is to stretch the possibilities of what I can do.

I am grateful for a supportive community.

I am grateful for Madonna's greatest hits.

I am grateful for great weather.

I am grateful for great legs.

I am grateful for great outfits.

I am grateful for summer pool parties.

Community: The Boys

I'm a playwright who lives in LA. That used to be a rare thing - to be a guy who came from New York who was in LA trying to break into TV and film. It's not so rare nowadays. Nowadays, it seems like everyone has flown the coop and headed West. The great thing about having more playwrights and theatre artists out here is that there's the opportunity for community. I have been a member of the Playwrights Union, a local organization for LA-based playwrights.
Through this group, I have met many people who now encompass my social circle. A couple of years ago, I formed this informal male writer social group including my friends Cory and David. We used to meet up monthly at my office in Silverlake. When I left that office, we decided to get together for drinks every couple of months. Last night, we got together again at Edendale in Silverlake - the place we like to meet up at. It's usually not that busy and it's easy to find parking. Besides, we're not there to check out the hot spots, we're there to catch up. Our friend Dominic is a recent addition to this group.

We've had some women friends who have inquired about meeting up with us and that seems like it would be fun as a separate meet up. But I do like having this group of dude writers I see every so often. We also meet up separately to write together and to catch up on the phone. I would say that Cory and David are two of my closest friends. Dominic is a recent transplant who moved out here for a TV gig and we've become great friends as well. All of them are incredibly talented, they're smart guys, they make me feel smarter when I'm with them and definitely supported. I appreciate that I've got friends who want to hang out with us and meet up with us for drinks, but for me, this group hits a bit deeper than just being a social group.

It's a lifeline. It started out as a social group - I invited a lot of people to my office to come write with me when I had it. My former office mate, his husband, Cory, David and I initially met up to talk about our struggles as writers and what we're working on. We created it as a deliberate attempt to create community and to come together as men. Then when the group shrank and moved to Edendale, we would talk about family and work and the things we're working on. Especially when it became the three of us, it felt like a closer knit situation. Cory, David and I share work with each other and give each other feedback. We're all apart of the Playwrights Group and the Chalk Rep Writers Group, along with Dominic. I think that we found that we like exchanging information and work with each other. It has now become about trust.

Dominic and I both got to the bar before the others. We had a great conversation about our experiences being on our first TV shows. Our experiences were a lot different in terms of how our rooms were put together. But that feeling of trying to navigate the room and going to set - I felt understood. It was fantastic to have that conversation with a friend who was experiencing that newness at the same time. Then Cory got there and we talked about the fact that he's a writing machine. He has written - or is in the process of writing - three plays this year. I'm absolutely blown away by that. Cory has brought in new pages to the writer's group and everything I'm hearing I'm loving. I just went to a reading of a play we wrote two years ago and I loved that. He had another reading of another play earlier this year. He's on a fucking roll, that guy. And that inspires me. I don't feel competitive at all with these guys. My relationship with David is different. He's like the Jewish younger brother I wish I had. He's so effusive and emotional and transparent - I love that quality in a person. I could talk to that guy for hours and hours and always have stuff to talk about. Maybe the four of us need to plan a guy's weekend where we get away and write and drink and hang out. Like a writer bro retreat. I'm kind of into that idea.

I know what whatever I need read, one or more of them will read in a pinch. Because I've done the same for them. If I need them to show up for me, they will because I have shown up for them. I can see how other people might want to get in on that action. We're like a little trio - and now, quartet. I trust them to give me their honest opinion. I like all of their writing. I know that whatever they have to say about my work is an honest accessment and also has the desire of wanting me to fulfill the promise of the play or pilot I'm working on.

Dominic's working on a novel. I can't wait to read that.
Cory just sent me a new play that he just finished. I can't wait to read that.
David's working on a new play that I'm really into. I can't wait to read that.
I hope that we can get some of that new work into the writer's group and that we can hear these plays in their entirety read out loud. I want to support this new work I'm hearing because it's really good. Yes, all of these guys are white cis males. I want there to be a world where I'm supporting new plays by women and writers of color. I want to get excited about the work I'm seeing - from a lot of various perspectives. But right now, this is the stuff that's exciting me. These are the friendships that turn into working relationships. Eventually, I'm going to put a room together and I'm going to want to have people whose work I believe in and who I support as people. I'm going to want to have people around me who I want to spend time with. And I hope, in turn, they're going to want to do the same for me when they're in the same position.

My intention is to finish this pilot before the weekend.
My intention is to rewrite the pilot over the weekend.
My intention is to turn it into my manager early next week.
My intention is to be on set next week.
My intention is to learn everything I can.
My intention is to enjoy it.

I am grateful for the community of writers I have created over the past five years.
I am grateful for the positive change my life has taken over the past five years.
I am grateful for people who believe in me.
I am grateful for the support and love I feel from those three guys.
I am grateful to call these talented guys my compadres.