I Am Not Okay

It seems that my reflexive response to the questions "How are you?" and "What did you get done today" are almost always positive. And that's just not the truth.

Listen, I'm not a negative person. And it's that mentality that gets me into trouble. I don't want people to SEE me as negative. So I frequently say:

"I'm fine."

"Great."

"Awesome, fantastic, amazing, wonderful…"

But I struggle. Writing is hard. Creating something from the ether is difficult. Once my boyfriend asked me if I loved writing because I seemed to complain about it a lot. And I think that's when I stopped complaining.

Right now, I don't have a job. I have my days free to write. So when it's difficult or I'm not at my desk writing, I feel guilty. Last year, I had an office for six months and my memory of it was that I wrote for roughly 180 days straight.

That's not true. I remember when I first got the office, I laid on the floor and took naps for the first week. Then I was on Facebook a lot. Sometimes I would write this blog as a distraction. Other times I would take a walk. If I didn't feel like writing, I would look at porn. I procrastinated a lot.

But at the end of last year, I had finished five new scripts. And those first couple of weeks (now I'm really telling the truth) in the office were hard because I was tired. I had just busted my ass on two scripts in the first 18 days of May. I had every right to be exhausted. But I forgot about that.

Same thing happened in November and December when I was so tired after writing a new screenplay in August, planning my pilot in September, and writing my pilot in October. Somehow I thought I should be a superhuman and be able to plow through more in November and December. I didn't have a clear goal for a project. I knew I would be rewriting the pilot at some point, which is where I am now. But it's funny how you forget how bad and hard it was when you finish.

Then it's a huge surprise when it's hard and bad again.

I try not to complain. But sometimes I need to.

I am grateful for these past few years where all I've done is write for the most part. I'm completely blessed to have had all of that time. And now I look to the near future where I need to get a job to bring in some money. I'm even considering a full time job. Part of me thinks that I'll have no time to write and that scares me.

But this is the truth: I DO write every day. I think about writing. I read. I do actual physical writing. I talk to friends about what I'm working on. I make writing dates. I am now a part of two writers groups. I have my men's creativity group. I have the Playwrights Union. I am grouped with five writers for Moving Arts' MADlab where I will be guided in writing a new play over the course of nine months. I have support for my writing, so I will get it done even if I have to report to an office from 9-6 five days a week.

I'm not ALWAYS okay. But I AM okay. I am a writer. I get joy out of it. I am writing the things I want to write. I struggle with them, but those are good problems to have. And I am happy to have them.

I am grateful for my writing time.
I am grateful for this round table tucked away in a corner in the Burbank library.
I am grateful that no one is talking.
I am grateful that the guy next to me is writing and it makes me feel like I need to be writing.
I am grateful to be starting a new play.
I am grateful for all of the opportunities that I've had so far.
I am grateful in advance for all the opportunities to come.

Jealous Guy

I'm not a jealous guy. Anymore.

And that's such a shock to me. I think people meet me and I do a pretty good job at convincing them I'm a good dude.

As my friend Carrie said today at coffee (where we both had tea, so TEA): "I'm not always nice, but I'm kind." I would amend that for myself and say that I'm often not nice. I was raised by a father who wasn't nice at all. So the fact that I have any niceness in me is an improvement. But kind of unnecessary. I believe that I'm a fair person. I believe that I'm a good person. But being nice is about appearances. It's about how you want people to regard you. Being kind is a gentle way of living and it goes down deep to your soul. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is not the nicest. Sometimes it's raw honesty. Sometimes it's letting them go.

But back to convincing people I'm a good guy. I think that's how people regard me. I try to be generous. I try to be supportive. Most of my life I've been that way. Most recently, I have really understood what it truly means not to be jealous.

About three or four years ago (who can remember now), I went through a period where I HATED Facebook because all I saw were people's happy lives and accomplishments. And I turned green. I was so mad that things were happening for them and not for me. I went through a solid year feeling this way and hating myself for feeling this way. I had a job that wasn't good. I was in a relationship that wasn't good. I felt trapped by my life. I felt stuck. I thought it would never end. I often wondered if life up until the age of 30 was a total joke. I had accomplished so much in those first 30 years that I thought God was fucking with me. Would I be one of those people who regret their lives? Would I be someone who the cards were stacked against?

Then a lot of things happened. Yes, my Dad got sick and all of that. That was a big change. But my response to all of that grief and pain was to take care of myself. I had spent so much of my life--all of my life to that point--being so hard on myself. So I just decided to be good to myself. I wrote through all of these life changes. I didn't worry about what I was going to sell. I didn't worry about getting a writing job. I didn't worry that my career hadn't really started yet. I wrote because I needed an escape. I wrote because it made sense to write. I wrote to come back into myself.

And I started being more patient with everyone else because I was more patient with myself. I met someone who I've been with for over 3 1/2 years who reflects that back to me on a daily basis. Someone who taught me his kindness. And someone for whom I show how not to be nice. Right now, he still sees that as being mean. But hopefully he won't feel that way forever.

I started meditating. I started letting go of a lot of pain and anxiety. I started living my life differently.

Every so often, something will happen that will show me how I have changed.

Last night, I was at a meeting for something called MADLabs. It's a play development program where I will be writing a new play from scratch and developing it through three readings, a workshop and a retreat with the help of a dramaturg.  It's support. And it's the chance to meet new writers and work with new collaborators. I think it's a great group.

But here's where I am different. All of the writers had to speak about their project, their process and their goals. Normally, I like to go first. I tell myself it's because I am brave. It's really because I am narcissistic. I want to tell everyone what I am doing and what is on my mind. Then I can focus on the other four. This time I didn't volunteer to go first. So I figured I'd go second. Then third. Then fourth. But I went last.

And I listened to everyone's explanation of their projects and processes and what they wanted. I listened and got excited for all of them. I was fully engaged. And I realized how much I had changed. I was truly present for other people in ways that I pretended to be for so long. And I'm not saying this is the first time this has happened, but I noticed it because I was in a situation I was excited about and I didn't just make it all about me. I used to tell myself that I was just enthusiastic and excited so I couldn't contain my energy and had to think about my project as other people were speaking. I used to tell myself that's why I would tune out.

I didn't tune out!

And it felt good. I felt like I was truly giving myself to this new community and in turn, I would get a lot back from them. And I did.

I had another experience last year with a couple of friends who were going through their own jealousy things. I had some friendships break up because of it. And I got to see first hand what my own jealousy used to look like. It was ugly. I was hurt by it. And yet, I understood it. But I was really glad not to be there any more.

I was really happy to be at the Edendale Grill last night with a bunch of theatre folks who were excited for each other and eager to start.

Maybe I got there because I've been a teacher.
Maybe I got there because I haven't been in the "business" on a day to day level.
Maybe I got there because I'm meditating.
Maybe I got there because I watch Super Soul Sunday.
Maybe I got there because of my boyfriend.
Maybe I got there because I'm older now.

I don't know. But I'm there. I arrived and didn't even know it. Earlier than I expected.

I am grateful for this blog.
I am grateful for new relationships.
I am grateful for writers.
I am grateful that I am getting what I want from my community.
I am grateful that I am being better to myself.

Steering Myself in the Right Direction

I love to write.
That has been clear and simple since I was a kid.
It seems that when I have this sole focus on making a living from it that I run into trouble.
But it's not that there's anything wrong with it.

It's just that when I take my focus away from the labor and put it on the rewards, on the fruits of my labor, then I run into trouble.

I have this pilot I'm writing.
And in my head, I'm thinking with my old brain:

"I need to get this done by this week in order to turn it into this person so that this thing can happen and then…"

But what's the "and then?"

And then I will be rich and famous.
And then everyone will know how great I truly am.
And then what?

I love having goals.
I love having a plan.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But it's when I anticipate a set result that something doesn't sit right.

I have plenty of friends who have this relentless ambition and put in real hard work and do get results.
That approach hasn't worked for me.

You know, the Universe sends you these signs to let you know where you're at.
They are right in front of your face, plain as day.
I just saw a posting from an acquaintance that I worked next to four years ago.
We shared the same office space and this person was an assistant to a show runner.
This person posted a picture of Facebook yesterday and this person is STILL an assistant to a different show runner.
That person has spent the last four years (and some before that, I'm assuming) being an assistant.
I remember that life. I spent a lot longer than that doing the same thing.
But is that person any closer to where she wants to be?

I don't know that. I can't answer that question for her.
But I can answer that question for myself.
That could have been me.
It's like the world's longest audition for a bit part.
It's an entry level gig, this staff writing thing.
And I need to prove to you how great I am at answering the phone?
Some how that qualifies me?

I am great at answering phones.
I am great at organizing people's lives, including my own.
I am great at making people feel at ease.
I am great at all the things that one does when they work for someone else.

But the problem is that I am also an incredible writer.
I have spent the past four years writing.
Not getting paid.
Not being in the mix.
Not being in the vicinity of the writers room.
I have made sacrifies in order to write every day.
To the point that when the writing isn't there that day, it feels awful.
I have been feeling awful for the past month or so.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I have been feeling awful for the past three months.
When I am not writing I feel awful.
I spent seven years feeling awful.
And that doesn't mean writing wasn't happening.
But it wasn't where my heart was.
It wasn't what I was spending most of my time doing.
It wasn't what I was proclaiming to the Universe.

For so long, it seemed that my greatness at being a right hand man was coming into direct conflict with the writer I am.
When you have been away from not being yourself you start to forget what it felt like.
That having "writer's block" or "procrastinating all day" might feel bad.
But losing parts of your soul leaves so much more damage
and you don't even feel it because you are distracted all day
by phone calls,
emails,
funny You Tube links,
your boss' concerns,
your boss' anger,
your boss' life.
There is so much white noise that you don't notice that you're dying inside.

I might not be inspired every day.
But every day I show up.
Every day I appear.
So that the muse knows where to find me.
And if I'm in doubt that the muse even remembers my address,
I pick up my Bible,
THE WAR OF ART,
and I read.
I remember that this is a daily battle.
One bad day
isn't the worse thing in the world.

And I remember that even though it feels like it has been three months
since I have actually done something,
that's not true.
When I had my office over those six months or so,
I had days like this too.
But I also had a space I was paying for where I could
lay on the ground in a fetal position,
or masturbate
or procrastinate.
I had a home to do that in.
And it felt okay because I was in the space to get things done.
You know what,
it's still okay.
Even if I don't go to an office every day.
I still am present to the work.
I can still do it.
I am still doing it.
I haven't missed the mark or gone in the wrong direction.
I just needed to know where the road is
and what the boundaries are.
And sometimes you need to run off the road a bit to remember where the road is.

See?
Writing makes me feel better.
Even if I don't know what I am saying.

I am grateful for fingers that type.
I am grateful for a study room in a library in Pico Rivera.
I am grateful for the sunlight to shine in and remind me that there's a world out there.
I am grateful for my smile.
I am grateful for my patience.
I am grateful for The War of Art.
I am grateful for my new headphones which block out the sound and look nice.
I am grateful for my cell phone.
I am grateful that I get to see two of my favorite men tonight.
I am grateful for a community.
I am grateful for Tuesdays.
I am grateful that I am a writer.
I am grateful that life gets better.

Writing a Soap Opera is Hard

I probably have written about ten or so full length plays in my lifetime. I have written plays with complicated structure. I have written plays about social issues. I have written satires. I have written broad comedy. But nothing is harder than writing a TV pilot. That doesn't mean that writing TV is more intellectual or more challenging. It doesn't mean it's dumb either. But in TV you're writing on a shoestring budget. Obviously, I don't mean once you get something produced. But in terms of language and what has to happen in such a short amount of time, you have to be economical in how you spend those words.

I am working on my third or fourth draft of this pilot. I wrote a version of it that I loved. Then I decided it needed to be bigger, more of a saga, and that's when it got so much harder. I was scared of going into melodrama territory. But here's the thing that happened. As the stakes got higher, the emotion got deeper. The personal relationships really started to appear to me in such a pronounced way.

I have friends who don't outline. I have always been critical of writing a TV script or a screenplays without a map. It's so much harder and completely unnecessary. When I'm writing a pilot, I'm thinking of:

• What the character is doing
• How their actions affect who they are by the end of the script
• How their actions reflect who they'll be in the next episode or in the arc of the season.
• How they relate to the other characters
• How the choices reflect their internal and external struggle
• What they're saying
• What they're not saying
• Laying out clues to who they will reveal themselves to be
• The big moments
• The small moments

I'm thinking of a lot of things and in order to keep everything straight, I need to know the actions that are coming up. I need to see what material I have that can be moved up. I need to be constantly upping the ante--that's what this kind of dramatic writing is about. So maybe there's something I have planed for Act Four that I can reveal now. Then Act Four gets a lot more intense.

The first two drafts of this script were what I do well: personal moments in relationships. Then I decided to blow it up and make the characters larger than life and their journeys more epic. What I really did was raise the stakes. And that made everything that happened so much more vital. Then that revealed who these people really are.

I have a character die in the beginning of this script. And I outlined something beautiful about legacy and about the past coming to haunt the present. I changed the title to reflect the subject matter and the theme much more articulately. As the script swum around in my head, more things were being revealed to me. I had gotten to half way in my script when I was at a stand still. I just thought I had to push through this blockade.

Then I went to a concert on Thursday night and I started day dreaming as the songs were going on. A few days before I had written some ideas about upcoming episodes. This is also why I think it's important to do a bible. I think doing a bible helps with the larger arcs. I wanted a hypothetical episode 2 to be about the funeral. As I was day dreaming at the concert, I started thinking about how much fun the funeral was going to be to write. I started to get jealous that I wouldn't write the funeral.

Then I realized I had to write the funeral.

I have a great teaser. But then Act One needs to open at the funeral. Then everything that happens and every conversation that happens in Act One takes on a stronger meaning if it's happening at the funeral. It has greater resonance.  I had an aha moment.  So I spent yesterday and part of today just working that out in an outline. I changed things around. It all got deeper. I got to give some context while moving story forward by doing a funeral.  

I was a little concerned that I had too many events. The story opens up at an awards ceremony. Then we go to a funeral. And the end of the script is a big event. But I also think that ritual is important. Reminding the audience of how these characters are in public and in private is also important.

I love to write. I love to write fast. Sometimes the idea is bursting forth and has been marinating so long that it's ready to get on the grill.  But sometimes things haven't marinated long enough. I wrote two big drafts of the script in October. Then nothing until January.

I have been beating myself up for it over the past several months. November: gone. December: gone. But here's something I'm starting to realize. It's not just about going fast, fast, fast, fast. If I don't let an idea grow and mature. If I don't give it some space to get better, then I'm just writing unripened scripts. That doesn't mean that there aren't some scripts that fall out because they've been maturing in my head for a long time. That doesn't mean that I can't go fast sometimes. But I can't think that I am going to grow and get better as a writer if every script I write is churned out. 

Patience has always been a bit lesson for me. So I'm still learning it. If last year was about productivity, maybe this year is about patience.

Who knows? It's only January.

I am grateful for knowledge.

I am grateful for beauty.

I am grateful for ideas that make me excited.

I am grateful for patience.

I am grateful for an office to use this weekend.