I Am Not Okay

It seems that my reflexive response to the questions "How are you?" and "What did you get done today" are almost always positive. And that's just not the truth.

Listen, I'm not a negative person. And it's that mentality that gets me into trouble. I don't want people to SEE me as negative. So I frequently say:

"I'm fine."

"Great."

"Awesome, fantastic, amazing, wonderful…"

But I struggle. Writing is hard. Creating something from the ether is difficult. Once my boyfriend asked me if I loved writing because I seemed to complain about it a lot. And I think that's when I stopped complaining.

Right now, I don't have a job. I have my days free to write. So when it's difficult or I'm not at my desk writing, I feel guilty. Last year, I had an office for six months and my memory of it was that I wrote for roughly 180 days straight.

That's not true. I remember when I first got the office, I laid on the floor and took naps for the first week. Then I was on Facebook a lot. Sometimes I would write this blog as a distraction. Other times I would take a walk. If I didn't feel like writing, I would look at porn. I procrastinated a lot.

But at the end of last year, I had finished five new scripts. And those first couple of weeks (now I'm really telling the truth) in the office were hard because I was tired. I had just busted my ass on two scripts in the first 18 days of May. I had every right to be exhausted. But I forgot about that.

Same thing happened in November and December when I was so tired after writing a new screenplay in August, planning my pilot in September, and writing my pilot in October. Somehow I thought I should be a superhuman and be able to plow through more in November and December. I didn't have a clear goal for a project. I knew I would be rewriting the pilot at some point, which is where I am now. But it's funny how you forget how bad and hard it was when you finish.

Then it's a huge surprise when it's hard and bad again.

I try not to complain. But sometimes I need to.

I am grateful for these past few years where all I've done is write for the most part. I'm completely blessed to have had all of that time. And now I look to the near future where I need to get a job to bring in some money. I'm even considering a full time job. Part of me thinks that I'll have no time to write and that scares me.

But this is the truth: I DO write every day. I think about writing. I read. I do actual physical writing. I talk to friends about what I'm working on. I make writing dates. I am now a part of two writers groups. I have my men's creativity group. I have the Playwrights Union. I am grouped with five writers for Moving Arts' MADlab where I will be guided in writing a new play over the course of nine months. I have support for my writing, so I will get it done even if I have to report to an office from 9-6 five days a week.

I'm not ALWAYS okay. But I AM okay. I am a writer. I get joy out of it. I am writing the things I want to write. I struggle with them, but those are good problems to have. And I am happy to have them.

I am grateful for my writing time.
I am grateful for this round table tucked away in a corner in the Burbank library.
I am grateful that no one is talking.
I am grateful that the guy next to me is writing and it makes me feel like I need to be writing.
I am grateful to be starting a new play.
I am grateful for all of the opportunities that I've had so far.
I am grateful in advance for all the opportunities to come.