Jealous Guy

I'm not a jealous guy. Anymore.

And that's such a shock to me. I think people meet me and I do a pretty good job at convincing them I'm a good dude.

As my friend Carrie said today at coffee (where we both had tea, so TEA): "I'm not always nice, but I'm kind." I would amend that for myself and say that I'm often not nice. I was raised by a father who wasn't nice at all. So the fact that I have any niceness in me is an improvement. But kind of unnecessary. I believe that I'm a fair person. I believe that I'm a good person. But being nice is about appearances. It's about how you want people to regard you. Being kind is a gentle way of living and it goes down deep to your soul. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for someone is not the nicest. Sometimes it's raw honesty. Sometimes it's letting them go.

But back to convincing people I'm a good guy. I think that's how people regard me. I try to be generous. I try to be supportive. Most of my life I've been that way. Most recently, I have really understood what it truly means not to be jealous.

About three or four years ago (who can remember now), I went through a period where I HATED Facebook because all I saw were people's happy lives and accomplishments. And I turned green. I was so mad that things were happening for them and not for me. I went through a solid year feeling this way and hating myself for feeling this way. I had a job that wasn't good. I was in a relationship that wasn't good. I felt trapped by my life. I felt stuck. I thought it would never end. I often wondered if life up until the age of 30 was a total joke. I had accomplished so much in those first 30 years that I thought God was fucking with me. Would I be one of those people who regret their lives? Would I be someone who the cards were stacked against?

Then a lot of things happened. Yes, my Dad got sick and all of that. That was a big change. But my response to all of that grief and pain was to take care of myself. I had spent so much of my life--all of my life to that point--being so hard on myself. So I just decided to be good to myself. I wrote through all of these life changes. I didn't worry about what I was going to sell. I didn't worry about getting a writing job. I didn't worry that my career hadn't really started yet. I wrote because I needed an escape. I wrote because it made sense to write. I wrote to come back into myself.

And I started being more patient with everyone else because I was more patient with myself. I met someone who I've been with for over 3 1/2 years who reflects that back to me on a daily basis. Someone who taught me his kindness. And someone for whom I show how not to be nice. Right now, he still sees that as being mean. But hopefully he won't feel that way forever.

I started meditating. I started letting go of a lot of pain and anxiety. I started living my life differently.

Every so often, something will happen that will show me how I have changed.

Last night, I was at a meeting for something called MADLabs. It's a play development program where I will be writing a new play from scratch and developing it through three readings, a workshop and a retreat with the help of a dramaturg.  It's support. And it's the chance to meet new writers and work with new collaborators. I think it's a great group.

But here's where I am different. All of the writers had to speak about their project, their process and their goals. Normally, I like to go first. I tell myself it's because I am brave. It's really because I am narcissistic. I want to tell everyone what I am doing and what is on my mind. Then I can focus on the other four. This time I didn't volunteer to go first. So I figured I'd go second. Then third. Then fourth. But I went last.

And I listened to everyone's explanation of their projects and processes and what they wanted. I listened and got excited for all of them. I was fully engaged. And I realized how much I had changed. I was truly present for other people in ways that I pretended to be for so long. And I'm not saying this is the first time this has happened, but I noticed it because I was in a situation I was excited about and I didn't just make it all about me. I used to tell myself that I was just enthusiastic and excited so I couldn't contain my energy and had to think about my project as other people were speaking. I used to tell myself that's why I would tune out.

I didn't tune out!

And it felt good. I felt like I was truly giving myself to this new community and in turn, I would get a lot back from them. And I did.

I had another experience last year with a couple of friends who were going through their own jealousy things. I had some friendships break up because of it. And I got to see first hand what my own jealousy used to look like. It was ugly. I was hurt by it. And yet, I understood it. But I was really glad not to be there any more.

I was really happy to be at the Edendale Grill last night with a bunch of theatre folks who were excited for each other and eager to start.

Maybe I got there because I've been a teacher.
Maybe I got there because I haven't been in the "business" on a day to day level.
Maybe I got there because I'm meditating.
Maybe I got there because I watch Super Soul Sunday.
Maybe I got there because of my boyfriend.
Maybe I got there because I'm older now.

I don't know. But I'm there. I arrived and didn't even know it. Earlier than I expected.

I am grateful for this blog.
I am grateful for new relationships.
I am grateful for writers.
I am grateful that I am getting what I want from my community.
I am grateful that I am being better to myself.