Collaborations

Sometimes you need people to pull stuff out of you that you can't pull out of yourself.

As a university professor, I am accustomed to pushing my students to work harder than they ever thought they could. I write comments on their work that get them to think differently. Some of them resist it and those people would be wrong. But the ones who take the advice and consider what I am saying see a marked improvement.

I was talking to a friend today and her husband about a project that they're pitching that's very niche. He was arguing a bit about what's working. And I said, "Did you sell it? Then it's not working." The buyer has to know exactly what they're buying. And that can be an idea or a promise. It doesn't have to be a clear story per se, but they need to know what they think they're buying. And if it's not clear, you need to make it clear. I was getting a lot of push back from him because he felt he knew better. At some point, you have to say, "Fine." It's not worth arguing over who's right because ultimately this is not my project.

In our workshop for my play, my director Jen and I have a great back and forth. I totally trust that she knows what she's doing because I've watched her do it well. She's got a gentle way and I trust the results she gets. So I get out of her way. We talk privately. We have a lot of the same approach to things. That collaboration is easy because she makes some notes, I do the work and I bring results. It's really that simple. Jen pulls stuff out of me without being hostile or demanding. I think her strength as a director is that she cares so much and she's specific. But she's incredibly gentle. And looking at the work I did - four drafts in two weeks - is incredible. I work really hard for Jen because I know she's great at what she does.

With the TV project I'm working on now, I get a lot of encouragement from my collaborators. Sometimes I can't believe they like everything they like. But it lets me try things. It doesn't make me afraid that they're going to hate something. I have the normal anxiety that we all have. But I don't have any worries to show them something. I have been stuck all week on the beginning, middle and end of the first season of this show. Today something cracked. I just started with the first thing and the last thing, which I knew. Then I started writing more about the beginning and then I got to a place where I thought we'd end that first third, which is about nine episodes. Then I figured out the math to get to 26 episodes. If we did 9+9+8, that would be 26. But if we put the 8 in the middle, then we'd have the start as 1-9, the middle as 10-17 and the end as 18-26. I figured out some story for the middle that started to lean into the break that I knew was happening at the last third. Once I started playing around with the math, the story started to appear. I wouldn't say it fell out. But I definitely wasn't as mentally constipated as I had been all week. It started to be regular. I have a lot of work I want to do over the next two days. We're going to meet hopefully on Tuesday. But I have a full structure to the season, which I didn't have before. I printed out the 7 pages I worked on and now I'm done for the night.

I can go into Saturday and Sunday knowing that I can build on what I have. But I have a structure to the pitch. It's remarkable how much work went into just the seven pages I have so far. It will be a bit longer and I will revise what I already have too. Now I can recharge my own personal batteries and go somewhere and get some work done tomorrow and Sunday.

Good collaborations can lift us up and make us better. And when things are not great, well...those aren't people we should be collaborating with. But that's something we learn over time. My collaborators are keeping me on my toes, that's for sure.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to work.
My intention is to be open.

I am grateful for my collaborators.
I am grateful for the time it takes to get work done.
I am grateful for how hard the work is to do.

Tastemaker

I remember being a kid and feeling like nothing I did fit in to anything going on around me. I loved TV guest stars and the Fall Preview of TV Guide and Barbra Streisand and the artists Marcel Duchamp and ManRay and the band Lone Justice. I was a strange little kid who didn't live in a world of his design.

I walked into the Coach store at my local outlet last week. Or what I thought was the Coach store - it was actually a pop up store for the entire Coach x Keith Haring collection. I thought I had walked into my childhood and I didn't understand why the whole world hadn't wiped out the store since everything was 70% off. I went another time last week to exchange something and then again this morning at 5 AM for Black Friday. The store was still pretty much intact. But that says everything about the world I live in and the world that everyone else lives in. I thought it was kind of amazing that the store wasn't ransacked. The first time I went in the store, I talked off the ears of all the employees because I couldn't believe it. I bought Christmas gifts there for everyone on my list. 

That kind of says everything about my life. The world and I are not always in sync. When I walked by the main Coach store at 5 AM, there was a line to get in. Yes, the whole store was 70% off, which is amazing. But the quality of some of the stuff there was not as good as what I got. There's a wallet there that is a version of something I bought six months ago for $40. The version they had was a bad copy of the same design - I'm assuming they couldn't use the exact same design because they didn't want to do a reissue. Anyway, that's neither here nor there - except it is.

I became a writer so that I could rewrite things that happened in my life exactly the way I wanted them to be. I'm doing that right now with a play I wrote that I'm producing with my theatre company. I wrote a play I wanted to write in the style I wanted about my family. I finally wrote a play that represents me in every way. And now I have a theatre company that wants to produce it - and because I'm a member of that company, I can have control of the vision of the play along with my director. But I have a voice.

I'm working with two producers on a project right now that I find very exciting. A producer brought me an idea for her to be in. This is someone I've worked with before and who I like very much. I took that idea and expanded it. She and her producing partner loved it. I worked on it more - and the expansion seems to be something everyone likes. We had a conversation earlier this week about the project. That conversation led into another conversation about the kind of room we'd want. And the kind of production we'd want. 

A lot of people believe you have to visualize something in order to manifest it. Visualize and manifest are big words out here in Hollywood. 

As we were talking, we started discussing our philosophy of having people of color and women as a mainstay of the production on every level. And our commitment to mentorship. I have to say that I haven't heard a producer talk that way before. At least not someone I had direct contact with. I've heard Ava Duvernay say it and Ryan Murphy and Jill Soloway. But I haven't had someone I work for say that to me. It was said to me in a meeting on a show that I really wanted to staff on by someone who walks the walk. 

I realized as we were talking that everything this producer was saying was everything I believe in. This led me to something that happened two years ago. I met for a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland. And I convinced myself that this job would be good for me because I would be a tastemaker. I could help other people of color get their voices heard in the theatre as an advocate. The truth was that I really didn't want to be an advocate in this way. I wanted a job and I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with it. But of course my heart wasn't in it and I didn't get the job. The best thing that happened was that I spoke the truth about who I am. And they didn't want it. It was the first time that I was made aware that I brought my full self to the table and it got flatly rejected - so that must mean that they are a wrong fit. I used to think that everything I didn't get would have made my life worlds better and that I fucked up by not getting it. I got a bad vibe half way through the interview process, which was a whole day of interviews. I knew they didn't want me and that I was getting a trip to Portland out of the deal. 

But that world TASTEMAKER stuck in my head. Then I got my first TV writing job six months later. And then I was asked to join a theatre company. And that made me a tastemaker because I'm given some decision making ability in choosing writers we put in our writers group and projects that we do. Then because of working on the show for two years, I met this actress who started a production company and wants me to develop the project that she'd star in for this company. And then I would have a real opportunity to affect change and be a tastemaker. So the goal was for me to be a tastemaker and once that goal showed itself, there were better ways the Universe was going to make me a Tastemaker.

But that's the world I want to live in. The world where I am hiring other people of color in my Writers Room. I am giving an opportunity to someone who has never been in a room - just like the opportunity I was given. I want gay people in that room. I want women and people of color in that room. I want a white guy in that room to witness how this operates and to go back and run his own rooms that way when his time comes. I want everyone to run rooms this way when their times come. That's the world I want to live in. 

I know that I want a Paleo option on every menu we order from. I know that I want Le Croix in the fridge and Larabars and couches. I know what time I want to start and what time I want to end. I know the kind of schedule I want to keep. I know the kind of showrunner I want to be. I want a room and an experience that reflects my taste. 

I want to be a Tastemaker in Film and TV as well as Theatre.

My intention is to be a Tastemaker.

My intention is to stand firm in who I am.

My intention is to collaborate.

My intention is to inspire.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for real collaborators whose values reflect my own.

I am grateful for the appreciation I'm being shown.

I am grateful for the open heartedness.

I am grateful for the care being taken.

I am grateful for true friendships in and out of Hollywood.

I am grateful for love and compassion.

Playing the Part of You in the Play About Your Life

I actually did this yesterday. I didn't want to, but my director insisted that I play the part of the character based on me for the first rehearsal of a workshop we're doing. And I resisted because I thought she might be trying to convince me to play the part for real. I am not an actor. There's no way I'm doing that. A few people have said that might be a great idea. And the actor playing my father was trying to convince me to do it before we started the reading. I said no to everyone. Now, you might think this lady might protest too much.

But here's what playing me in the story of me did for me yesterday. It helped me get inside the play. It helped me understand the world I was building in a way I hadn't before. It was actually an exhilarating experience if I'm being completely honest. I had a lot of fun with it. Now it's different to go from that to performance. I don't want to be in it for a variety of reasons. One being that I've got other things to do and I don't want my schedule to be tied into being in a play. But I do think the audience needs to be on this journey with someone else. I think watching me go through it every night would be rough. It also changes the dynamic of the play a lot. I like the distance created from someone else in the role. Now, it would be really hard to get that energy. But someone could study me in rehearsals. I know I've got a special energy, but that doesn't mean I should do this one man show with five friends thing.

Those things happened to me. So it all feels incredibly real. I didn't think I was acting as much as channeling and taking myself back to that time. And I could have taken myself further. But I don't necessarily want to have to go through it night after night. Let someone else do that because it's not reliving their life. They would be faking it in the best possible way. I would be reliving a difficult time in my life.

It allowed me to own parts of myself though. It allowed me to own my story and own my anger. It allowed me to own who I am. And an exercise in owning who you are is a great thing. It opened me up to being okay with who I am. And that's still something I struggle with on a daily basis. That's just the process of embodying myself.

My intention is ownership.
My intention is to value.
My intention is to lead.

I am grateful for the productivity I've experienced in the past few months. 
I am grateful for the opportunities that are being presented.
I am grateful for what is being manifested in my life.

Time Is On My Side

I'm doing the Deepak/Oprah mediation challenge for 21 days. I do it every time it comes up, but I don't maintain my meditation practice beyond that. I want to be better at it. I was really good about my daily meditation about two years ago. I've fallen off - maybe partially because of work and "being busy." But that's no excuse.

I've made great strides in clearing out noise - proverbial and actual - from my life. But I still don't have a daily practice.

It comes down to Time. Time's always a factor in everything. I hear a lot of friends talk about how they don't have time for certain things. Many a friend log off Facebook for a period of time so they can be more productive. They make this big announcement about how they're going off Facebook because they've got important things to do. The same thing holds true about the "writer's cave." I have a lot of friends who bury themselves in their work and make a huge announcement about it. I tend not to announce when I'm disengaging or holing myself up to get work done.

It's a waste of time.

And it's this big grand gesture to let everyone know how much work you're trying to get done. I just tell people when the work is done. I finished a new pilot draft last night. Its only 33 pages - that's not that hard to do. But in order to get those 33 pages done, I had to spend time thinking about the project. I had to make a treatment. I had to write a beat outline, then a full outline, then drafts of that full outline and then I started pages. I asked Cory to hold me accountable to getting things done. I didn't panic when half the month passed by and I hadn't finished a full draft. I knew I had been working. And I didn't let shame or fear get in the way of me finishing. I didn't psyche myself out. A lot of those expectation building gestures tend to freak people out.

Ever since I started eliminating anxiety from my life, I have found time to do a lot more things. I'm going to do an accountability page count in a few days to see how much I have written this year. I think my last number of pure script pages was about 560. I've written drafts of the play since then and this new pilot. Plus, I have outline pages that I also include in another accounting. My last number for that was about 750 with script and outline pages. That number might be close to 1000 now.

But the number isn't important to me. Yes, that number has climbed in the past few years from 1000 to 2000 to 1500. I think it's creeping down even lower this year. But the point is that it's still a high number, even at 1000. And the work itself has gotten better because of the constant grind. I have more opportunities that have taken me away from my computer. I've also logged in hours on set and in rehearsal. Before, all I was doing was writing. Now I'm writing and producing and reading more scripts and running a writers group and talking to students and teaching. The number of hours I'm logging in for paid work keeps increasing, so that's what's ultimately important. I'm also making time for other productive activities.

I don't feel crushed by time these days. Maybe that's because I appreciate everything I'm able to do. Even if I don't get 15 pages done a day, it's fine. And comparing myself every day to my most productive days is ridiculous. I make time every day for the work. And sometimes a lot of it gets done. Other times less gets done. But I'm at it EVERY DAY, which means that a less productive day is still okay.

I've got plans for November and December. And because I'm working every day, they seem more doable. Today I'm taking time to get caught up on other work and to read. And I'll get back to the work tomorrow. I'm not worried that time is running out. I know that it's on my side and I've got all the time in the world as long as I use it.

My intention is stillness.
My intention is growth.
My intention is compassion.

I am grateful for the past seven years.
I am grateful for my own personal growth.
I am grateful for the people in my life now.

Options

Right now, Hollywood seems like a pretty fucked up place to want to work. You've got to do all of this work for free in order to get a shot at something. And you've got to have the right sample - or four of the right samples for any given situation (procedure, light drama, soap, genre, etc.). It's like throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. I know a lot of writers like this.

I don't want to be a writer like this.

Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?

I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.

I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.

Does that mean I should give up?

I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.

I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.

And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.

And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...

TO BE LOUDER

I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.

My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.

My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.

I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.

On a Mission

I think about that Vanessa Williams song from the 90s - "Work to Do."

"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."

October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.

I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.

It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.

I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.

What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:

• October: Write pilot #1 and work on story and characters for pilot #2.
• November: Write pilot #2 and workshop play.
• December: Rewrite pilot #1 and pilot #2.

That feels very doable, considering that I'm also teaching. December will get heavy with my school work because a lot of the work will be coming in for my students. I'm going to rearrange my school schedule a little bit so I'm not driving down to meet with my grad students as much as I have planned in November. I need to make time for work in November. That possibly means that I will have three new pilots this year because I have the rewrite of the old pilot that got out.

I then have two pilot ideas for 2018 that I could start working on and I can start that process in January. I'm not writing these pilots for any other reason than to have them done. I want to stay productive and active and keep my skills sharp. As long as I do that, I'm fine.

I'm teaching and keeping my skills for giving feedback sharp. I'm running a room essentially with my classes. And if I finish both pilots I will have written six scripts this year. That is a good pace to be keeping up. Obviously, I want a new agent and to get staffed. But I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about writing the stuff I want to write. That seems to have gotten me to where I'm at. Everything else is not up to me.

My intention is to keep writing.

My intention is to keep growing.

My intention is to keep moving.

I am grateful for a Sunday.

I am grateful for time to get work done.

I am grateful for good friends around me.

I am grateful for fun.

I am grateful for the Korean Spa.

I Am an Artistic Leader...

...not an artistic follower.

What an arrogant thing to say.

I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.

After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"

I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.

What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?

Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.

Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?

I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.

Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.

I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.

And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.

My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.

I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.

Office Hours

I had an office three years ago that I kept for about six months, which was as long as I could afford it without having to get a day job to support me getting an office which would make having an office useless because I'd never have time to spend in the office.

It was a great productive time for me. I wrote five scripts that year and probably three just in the time I had the office.

It's 8 AM on a Thursday and I'm in my office. This office is my office on campus at SDSU. It's a room with a door and that leads into a hallway. In a deserted part of a building, which is a theatre. So that means there is NO foot traffic. I'm here early because the friend I stay with was going for a run with her kid at 7:30 and I'd be in her apartment until 10 because I don't have a key. I don't like being locked in, so I got here early.

I have five hours of uninterrupted work time before my first student meeting at 1 PM.

However, I only have five hours of uninterrupted work time because of yesterday. Wednesdays are the days I have no classes. And I didn't schedule any social time this week. So I got here at 9:30 AM and worked until about 9:45 PM. I did some work in the morning until my meetings from noon until 3:30 PM. Then I had the rest of that time to write. So I wrote. I worked on these two treatments I've been working on. Then I moved on and did some work on the play that we're producing in the Spring of 2018. I got bored of that so I started grading papers. Then I wrote the recommendation letters I needed to write. I finished all three of them. I went back to the papers and finished them - I was going to work on those this morning during my class prep. Then I went back to the treatments and did all the work I could do on those. I did some lesson plans. Then I had two hours left. So I started reading the script I'm teaching in class today. I was going to save that for the four hour window I had today. Then I finished that and took all of my notes. So by 9 PM, I was done for the day and for the next day. That meant I would have all day tomorrow before 1 PM to write! And here I am.

I got to my office an hour earlier than I had planned, so I'm writing this blog. I'm going to start journaling on one of my pilots. I started taking notes on the walk to Starbucks this morning. So I want to get those notes into my project journal. Writing in a blog or a journal just helps me warm up my hands and get my brain started so that by the time I'm ready to write in a couple of hours, I'll be ready to go. Some people do this warm up with coffee - I don't drink coffee. Others do it with meditation or yoga - those are good too. But I needed to be dressed and ready for the day early. So I'm in my tight black jeans, a grey t-shirt and high tops. I've got my Larabar half eaten - apple pie and some grainless granola waiting for me. I'll take a lunch break around 11:30 - either to the Faculty Staff Club or to one of the outdoor vendors on campus for the Thursday farmer's market - and then I'll keep working until my first meeting at 1 PM. That will take me straight through to 3:30 where I'll have half an hour to chill out before my 4 PM and 7 PM classes.

I'll do my morning check in emails in a few minutes. Get the business out of the way. And then I'll be ready to work on some more story features for this new pilot. I want to get my story structured today. Then I will be ready to start an outline.

I will also be working on a "secret pilot" - something I am excited about writing, but I know that my manager might take issue with because it veers toward camp. He always seems to be reminding me to  not make what I write camp. But I want to work on one of Ryan Murphy's shows so there's some high operatic storytelling going on there and whether or not you want to call it camp or satire is up to you. But my work can go in that direction. I don't mind that. The other pilot does not head into that direction at all. And my last two plays don't either. But I get it, there's stuff out there that feels like it treads on that ground. I'm not bugged out by that.

All right. So now that work begins. After I have my morning tea.

My intention is truth.
My intention is hard work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is clarity.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is forward movement.
My intention is to make money.

I am grateful for this office.
I am grateful for five hours of uninterrupted work time.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for a declared space.
I am grateful for a clear mind.
I am grateful for a healthy body.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for this play we're working on.
I am grateful for the opportunity to direct.
I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to do the things I love.

Behind the Pages

I spent part of my Sunday watching a marathon of old "Behind the Music" episodes, that old show from VH1 that I absolutely LOVED as a kid. It was a one hour documentary series that talked about the stories behind the careers and hit songs of the biggest pop stars in history. I used to watch it when I lived in New York. It was the best. And the ones I watched today were from a revamp they did in 2010 with P!nk and Christina Aquilera. I geeked out all over again.

As I was geeking out, I thought about my own successes and failures over my lifetime and still-growing career. I love P!nk because she doesn't give a shit and she just does her own thing. She also writes some of the most searing pop songs I've ever heard. I love her music. And it made me think of this recent creative growth spurt I had - and hopefully one I'm still going through. I have been writing plays since college. They all were bad for a long time - even the ones that got me into grad school and the ones I wrote in grad school. I was all passion and no technique - reminds me of the kind of dancer I was in college - for a very long time.

Someone said to me in grad school that it felt like I was holding back. I could hear those words but I didn't know how to break out of whatever shell or whatever fear I was holding onto. I went for years like that. I tortured myself probably for another 8 years after that, trying to figure out who I was. It didn't help that I dated guys instead of doing that exploration. It didn't help that I gave up myself to an industry that didn't know who I was so it kept trying to make me the thing that sells. But I didn't have a debut album that sold 2 million copies (P!nk) or 17 million copies (Christina). I didn't have a grand introduction into the industry. I didn't have a stunning debut that I needed to prove people wrong about. My whole career has been leading up to my "M!sunderstood" album or my version of "Stripped." My life has taken its turns on a much smaller scale. But the same thing is at stake - making who I am known and laying that bare.

It wasn't until I started writing in a way that felt true to myself that things started to change. That really started with my last play, "Death and Cockroaches." If the play before that, "This is Only a Test" was my Off the Wall, Madonna or Justified, then D&C was my Thriller, Like a Virgin or FutureSexLoveSounds. The plays before that were like Janet Jackson's career before Control. They were my Janet Jackson or Beat Street. Yes, I know a lot about random pop culture.

My first musings in undergrad were ideas for plays about lounge singers and amnesia, a young adult going after his child molester, and then I wrote something that broke all convention. I decided that I wanted to do a student recital, but the theatre department wouldn't let me because I wasn't officially a major. I was only a minor. Oddly, this wouldn't be the last time I would be penalized for being a minority. And it wouldn't be the last time that I made the most of it.

The result of that effort was a collection of poems set to dance and music called "Breakthrough." I got all of my friends together - the island of misfit toys - and made something beautiful. I choreographed it myself, directed it and put it up. It was my Yentl. I wrote, directed, choreographed, produced and starred in it. It was the first time something I had created had such universal praise. My best friend from LA was there just three weeks after a tragic family loss. I felt like I had arrived as an artist.

And then I left college and completely switched gears and started doing other things. I moved to Portland and I worked for a crazy ad agency, one of the best in the world. I lived life and dated and had affairs and eventually made my way to New York where eventually I realized I wanted to write plays as a career. I was going to be a playwright. I wrote a play that immediately got me into NYU with a full scholarship and I thought I had made it. Then I wrote nothing but bad plays and bad screenplays and decent TV spec pilots. I was confused as a writer the entire time throughout graduate school, but still left thinking that my career was going to take off because I had graduated from Tisch.

Nothing happened that entire year after grad school, so I moved back to LA to pursue a TV writing career. I had written another spec script during that year and I had two comedy specs ready to go. I languished for a few months and then got a job and a manager after being in town for less than six months. Then I pursued all of my dreams while working a day job for seven years for a high level literary manager. And while I got close on a few staffing jobs and a Nickelodeon fellowship, nothing ever really materialized. I fell in love with an addict and spent my time living this grand Hollywood life, the life I had dreamed of. Now that I think about it, all of my Hollywood dreams came true. I went to parties and I travelled the world. I met famous people and flew on private jets. I really did have a stunning life. I lived in West Hollywood, wore beautiful expensive clothes and at the best meals of my life. But I was living someone else's life and forgot who I was. I went to bed at night feeling alone and like a stranger to myself.

So I left and started a new job and my life got marginally better as I sat in an office by myself reading scripts and being appreciated for the first time in a long time. Then my Dad got sick and my life changed forever and I wrote at home while he was sleeping just go keep my sanity. I had forgotten why I had started writing in the first place because I was so busy trying to be validated. I wanted to be rich and famous. But I got to live that life and I realized that it was empty. I got exactly what I thought I wanted, but I got it without earning it, without working for it and without getting acknowledged for the gifts I had inside. I thought I had blown my chance. Before my life had the chance to begin, I thought it was over. I was a petty, jealous, envious, shell of a human being and I thought that's the way I was supposed to be. I was totally competitive and rarely happy for anyone else's success because I thought their success was supposed to be my success. I was angry and bitter and I took it out on myself by drinking too much and being promiscuous when I should have been more faithful. Sure, I was always loyal, but rarely faithful.

Then my Dad died. And I didn't even know if I should be writing. It felt so empty. Actually, the thing that felt empty was the pursuit of validation. The writing continued to be bright and wonderful. And the deeper I got, the deeper my writing got. My father's death broke me open and now I just had to stand in my grief and let it wash over me. I vowed that first year to not run away from it. So I wrote. I lived. I didn't try to get another job to distract myself. I lived on unemployment until the last possible moment I could. Then I continued to be unemployed. I managed somehow. And I took some temp jobs and made some money from my former employer. I got into another relationship and took care of another person so he could pursue his dream. I made the same mistakes all over again, but didn't think so because this guy was kinder. But he still wasn't as supportive as I needed a man to be. But I didn't know that men could be supportive of me, so I wasn't looking for that. I didn't put that on my list.

During this time, I wrote two plays that I liked. They were good. They were funny. They were well constructed and they were somewhat personal. I wanted to make sense of my open relationship, so I wrote about that. And I wanted to make sense of someone's loss of faith, so I wrote about that. Also, after my Dad died I started writing about death. And everything I have written since has had a death in it or it spoke about death. But nothing happened with those plays. And then I got frustrated. And then I got irreverent.

So I sent in a proposal for a play that I wanted to write. I had seen a report on MSNBC about active shooter drills and it made me angry. It also inspired me because the idea felt so theatrical - these shooting reenactments. I knew it would involve a large cast - at the time, I thought eight. I knew it wouldn't be producible. I didn't care. I wrote a proposal that expressed my frustration and said that I didn't know what the fuck I was going to write because I haven't written it yet. But these are the stories I wanted to express. I wrote about the story I knew I didn't want to write. I was very clear about that. But maybe because I didn't give a fuck, I got accepted into this program to develop my play for eight months. And I poured myself into it. For the first time in a long time, I only focused on myself. I was working hard and putting in the hours. I was meditating, watching my diet, working out, and only working on this project for eight months. And while I was doing that my relationship fell apart because it was only sustained by my efforts to keep it going when it shouldn't have kept going. Once I didn't have the energy to give, we drifted apart and then we broke up. But the play I wrote was a triumph that didn't do what everyone said it would do. It got no awards or attention or a production. It didn't make me the playwright the world would know.

But it did a lot. It taught me to fight for my vision. It taught me to not be afraid to be unpopular. It taught me who to fight with and who not to fight with. It taught me that I could not get into trouble for fighting. It taught me to be the leader and custodian of my own play. It taught me to love actors and to encourage them. It taught me to love and encourage my director. And it taught me to fuck everyone else. Seriously, fuck them. They don't matter. They don't know my vision. They can go fuck themselves. And my play was the better for it. We had an incredible reading and I was proud of the work. But it did nothing for my theatre career.

After the break up, I got the opportunity to submit to a show my friend was running. After some initial encouragement, she had bad news: the execs didn't want to hire someone who had never worked in TV before for a web series. But she could get my work to them, other than that I was on my own. And I submitted this play which was the perfect sample. I got the job - one month after my break up. And then I wrote three episodes and got to be on set and got into the Writers Guild. I finally got the thing I had always wanted - and I was still struggling and trying to make ends meet - but this felt amazing. I knew I could do it again and I did again the following year when I got promoted to Co-Producer and wrote two more episodes.

But then I was also too busy to bask in any of that glory because I had just written something truly special. I went back four years to when my Dad was sick and I moved home to take care of him. I had finally been able to write about that time in my life with the utmost truth and honesty and in the crass, inappropriate, irreverent voice I had been developing all of my life. I started the play in October the previous year when everyone was telling me how brilliant the other play was and how it was going to do all of these brilliant things for my theatre career. I didn't want to listen or be swayed or be disappointed when that didn't happen. So I kept writing. And then I wrote something even more personal and moving. And when I finished it, while I was working on the show, the theatre company I had been working with in their writers group called me to talk about something. Then we had lunch and they offered me a workshop for the play. And I said yes. And then they said they wanted me to join the company and I couldn't believe it. I had the theatre community I had always wanted. I had a place where I could develop my own work and I could get something produced because I was going to produce it. It would set my voice free in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I'm going to write plays with the freedom that I can have a workshop whenever I want it. And I can have people read new pages. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone to make my career happen.

I also discovered a new dream on set. I realized that I want to direct - or at least try my hand at it. So I directed a play workshop this year and the company liked it. And I'm hoping to direct it next year. Along with getting ready for my production next year. I might be directing a play for the company and having a play produced. While keeping my career moving along. I wrote a TV spec pilot that I love. I'm teaching three classes this semester at SDSU where I've been teaching for four semesters. I'm finally qualified to apply for any full time teaching jobs, if I so choose to do so. But most importantly, my dreams have gotten bigger.

I have a new goal to direct a TV show when I get my own show on the air. In order to do that I have to start directing plays and short films - so I have new things to look forward to. I have always wanted to start choreographing dance again and maybe one day I'll get the chance. But I was never a great dancer. And I am a great writer - I have that natural gift. So directing seems like the obvious choice for me to explore and to use the skills of visual storytelling I used as a choreographer back in college. things re coming full circle.

Yes, I still want to get that next TV job. That is a goal. But in order to get there I have to continue to write interesting TV spec pilots. And while I was trying to figure out what I was going to write next based on an idea I have, I started writing out a treatment for another brand new idea. And that's going to be big and bold and fun to write. It's about a golden age in Hollywood. And it's about our social morays in another time. I also now understand that I have this other idea that has taken longer to figure out what it is. And some ideas are just like that. Some ideas don't pop out shiny because some ideas aren't shiny, but they still should get written. And it doesn't matter if none of these are produced or none of these get me jobs because these are the stories I have to write. These are the stories that are coming out of me As much as my Dad's death broke me open, writing "Death and Cockroaches" broke me open as a writer. I say it all of the time and it is so true.

More than anything, I'm excited about what's to come. I'm excited to get to know this new writer who I have become as a result of that play. That play will have reverberations in my career from this moment forward. I am a changed spirit because of that play. And the greater news is that I get to see that play produced next year. This year, I'm working on new pages. Next year, I hope to work more in TV as I have a produced play and direct another produced play. I honestly don't know when I'll be writing my next play, which I already have planned out. It's something smaller, three characters. But I know that it's my next play. However, right now I have these two TV ideas to get out and I have another idea right behind that one, which I would like to develop with someone. I'd like to start pitching ideas in addition to writing them. I love writing new spec pilots. I don't want to stop that to pitch. I want to do both. But I would love to get paid to write a pilot.

Like I said, the dream gets bigger. Now I know what it takes to do the things I want to do. I feel so much more fully formed in order to do the things I want to do. I have more control over my career than I ever have. And I'm looking for a creative partner, in a new agent, to help me get there and to share my vision. I also am looking to share my life with someone ambitious and fun. And maybe the cosmic joke is that it IS another writer. Who the fuck knows?

But I just want to continue to be open and available to the surprise of life, which is exactly the thing I've been aspiring to for a long time - to let the Universe dream a bigger dream than I can for myself. It's all pretty incredible. And now I just need to be ready for the next surprise.

My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be clear.
My intention is to love what I do.

I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities over the past 18 months.
I am grateful for every bit of this journey.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful that the future looks so bright and so hopeful.

Back to School

I went back to teaching this week. I do really like teaching. I like the students. I like getting to talk about what I know. And I realized that I can't make everyone happy.

I'm teaching three classes this semester. On Tuesday, I had my graduate students. I've never taught grad students, so I was kind of excited about how this class would go. I had two students I already knew and eight others I don't. I have ten students in this class and we sat around a table and talked for a couple of hours. I'm helping them figure out their thesis projects. So this really just feels like I'm guiding them through their final projects. The students are great. The biggest challenge is that the administration hasn't really been giving me enough information about what's required of me. Some students want to do full-length projects. Some want to do a short script that they then will have to film. I have one student who says he's done with his thesis and is going to film it next semester, but he wants to work on this script with me and with the advisor he's already working with. So I'm trying to figure out how to streamline the process so that I'm not teaching four different classes in this one class. The good news is that I don't think I'm getting any documentary students. All of these students are mature and have some experience, so it feels like it will be a lot of fun to work with them.

My Intro to Screenwriting and TV writing class is a hoot. First of all, I had to turn several of them away from trying to add my class. It was sad because I had three students who really participated that I can't add unless someone drops out of the class. I had one student who's not even registered at the school who really wanted in - and I just couldn't do it. My cap is 25 and to add any more than that is jeopardizing the rest of the course. I had 27 last Fall and it was tough. It affects the dynamic. I did something really great this time that I think made a difference. We just started talking about what we're watching. And we talked about what makes what we're watching interesting. They also have really great taste and it's cool to hear what they're into that's both part of their generation and not part of their generation. It's an Intro course and it's big, so it will take them a minute to warm up. But I like opening up the course with that exercise of spending about 45 minutes shooting the shit about what we're into. And because it's a big class we had a big list. It got them talking a lot on that first day and it drove home the point that participation is a big part of their grade. They seem like a vocal group. It also reinforced what went wrong last semester. Last semester, I was working on the show and I had to miss the first four weeks of the term. So I had my friend David take over for me for the first four weeks. I realize that I need to set a tone to make the semester successful. I'm a tough professor. I don't take it easy on them, even in an intro course. And when you don't get my passion right away and get used to how it's going to go, I can come off as an asshole. My delivery counts for a lot. It felt good to be there with them from the beginning. Now if I go and get a writing gig some at some point during the semester, that feels like it would be less of an issue. But not being there from the beginning was tough.

Then I had my Advanced Students right afterward. That class could have been five students if I hadn't let in a bunch of people who technically don't have the prerequisites. Five students would have been crazy small and crazy fun in a lot of ways. But it looks like we'll be somewhere around 11 or 12. And that's a great size. These students seemed lively right away. We got into what we're all watching and it was good. And having a smaller class size helps. At the end of the class, a bunch of them hung around to ask some questions and a student asked me if I knew that I had bad reviews on "Rate My Professor." I had no idea. And he worried that he totally blew it for me. I became intrigued that I had bad reviews on "Rate my Professor." I looked it up and the people who wrote reviews HATED me. Someone said it was the worst class they had ever taken. And another student didn't like getting called out by me for not doing the work. Yeah, that sucks that you got called out for not doing the work. One student erroneously said that they got a D- in my class, which I don't think was true. Unless that student had to drop out. The other student stopped showing up and I had to fail them. I suspect that student signed up for my Advanced Class and didn't show up because they knew it was me. That student hasn't dropped yet, but I suspect they will drop. I kind of like that I have a reputation for being a hard ass. I say it at the top of the class to all of the students. I don't mince words. It's not an easy course. It's a lot of freaking work. So if it keeps my Advanced Class Small - the other class has reached it's cap and then some. I only will have 10-12 students. That's perfect. I hope students don't figure it out for awhile. And I hope people are discouraged from signing up because they think it will be too much work. Because the students who want to be challenged will be there. And really, the feedback I mainly get from students is that they love the class. Even students I've had issues with. I have students that I thought were totally difficult and they still dug it.

I also was really impressed with both undergraduate classes because they got into the conversation. I do have three grad students in my Advanced Class and they're great. I think that helps elevate the conversation just a bit as well. I'm hopeful about this semester. There's a lot of work to do as there always is. And I have to remember that I need to keep doing my own work. I've got a new pilot I'm playing around with and I want to get that done. But it's another semester to learn more about myself and my teaching methods.

My intention is to learn.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to question.

I am grateful for the chance to fortify my knowledge.
I am grateful for the money.
I am grateful for the opportunity to meet new people.
I am grateful for another year with many jobs.

Q3 in Progress

A few years ago, I started dividing my life in terms of fiscal quarters. I set these short term measurements of time to evaluate where things are at in my life. Now we're in the second half of the year. The first half was about work - whether it was teaching or being on the show. My time on the show seems so far away now. I was hoping to be on another show this quarter - I met on something that would have taken me through October. But I'm learning to embrace where I'm at. The great thing is that I do have a gig I'm starting in about ten days. That will keep me busy. But I've got to find balance between teaching and writing.

The third quarter started July 1st. I wrote what ended up being the final draft of a pilot I had been working on for a long time. Then I ended up meeting on a show early this month. That gig didn't happen. So I've started really working on my syllabi for the three classes I'm teaching this Fall. This month has been about taking time to think about this new pilot. I am still knee deep in the thinking phase. I know what the show is generally. I went to Portland to research, which in this case was about going to Portland to live for two weeks. I walked around the neighborhoods. I lived. I ate. I drank. I really got the city in my bones for a couple of weeks.

Now I'm back and I've got a little bit of time before school starts. The plan is to continue to brainstorm and get more thoughts down in the journal I've created for the pilot. My two syllabi are done. I've got a grad level course I'm teaching that I'm still putting together. I think I know what I'm doing.

Then I'm in San Diego for most of September. I'm going to stay down there and work on this pilot while I'm in the first few weeks of the semester. I'm teaching things I've taught before and the first half of the semester is going to be a lot of planning and talking. So we'll ease into things a lot. I've never taught three classes before. This feels like a lot and they're all writing courses. So I've got a lot on my plate.

But the time in San Diego will be good to reset my head, much like Portland did for me. Being out of LA for a little bit I think will be a good thing. I don't really want to go back and forth too much, but it looks like some things will be bringing me back to LA on the weekends. At least I can drive up on Saturday mornings and go back on Sunday afternoons. Being down in San Diego, having a social life, seeing friends, will be a really good thing for me. I've got a bunch of people I want to catch up with. I want to get more involved with theatre down there. I want to see my friend Jen and my friends Stewart and Justin, who I haven't seen much of. I want to see my friend Bryan and go out to gay bars and have a social life. I think it will be good to have some time away.

I've got a guy I have my eye on and another friend I spend a lot of time with. But maybe I need to inch a little closer to dating. I can do that in San Diego safely without feeling like I need to jump into something. Having a medium-distance boyfriend might actually be a good thing. Someone who's close enough and who I can see during the week. But not someone who lives in LA and who I have to  jump into something serious with. Baby steps.

I know that Q3's a bit of a transition. Q4 will be really busy with some workshops we're doing with the theatre company and working on pre-production for my play that we're producing next year. I don't have a shortage of things to do, which is terrific.

My intention is to keep going.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is positivity.
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for the time away.
I am grateful for the three classes I'm teaching.
I'm grateful for the stuff I need to do.
I am grateful for the breaths I take.

The Journey

I don't know what's happening to me.

I probably didn't get a job I really wanted and I'm not that upset about it. Not in a "fuck them" sort of way. Or in a Pollyanna "that's life" way either. It's all of this damn gratitude work I'm doing. There's this well worn trope that says that we need to redefine our idea of success. It sounds so cheesy. Because...how the fuck do you do that? But that's exactly what I did. The success isn't getting the job. The success is doing all the work to get the job. It's knowing that I opened my heart and spoke from a real place of vulnerability. That I can do that in a Hollywood meeting is a great success. That I'm not afraid to express myself is a great success. I can appreciate that.

I know I gave good meeting. I know that I have the depth of character to write a show like that. But I didn't get it. And I have a job that starts at the end of the month that I have to prepare for. I'm a professor and I get to go back to that. I could be disappointed that I didn't get this job, but that means I get to spend another week in Portland with friends and family. I get to go to my nephew's dance performance tomorrow. And I get to go to the coffee shop with my niece and sit side by side doing work. I get to go hiking on Saturday and baby sit on Saturday night while my brother and sister-in-law go out of town. I get to have a three way on Monday (and hopefully Tuesday and Wednesday). I get to be in town a little while longer researching this new project. I get to act as though I live here and absorb everything I'm experiencing and use it as material. As Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."

Here are my successes:

• I decided three years ago that if I wanted to be a TV writer, then I had to give myself the schedule of a TV writer. So I started writing all of the time. And I moved from project to project. 
• I kept an office for six months that year (2014). And I wrote.
• I wrote five scripts that year - proving that I could be self motivated.
• I said yes to being my friend's on call sub that year. I think she called me four times.
• The following year, I spent eight months working on one script.
• I stood up for myself and made a lot of demands of a lot of people. I was a pain in the ass.
• The play reading and workshop were both successful and cited as a model of what to do.
• Because I worked on one script all year, I wrote two more scripts in the last three months of the year.
• I wrote 2000 pages that year. Up from 1000 the year before.
• The next year, I decided to focus more on myself.
• I got my first TV job.
• I got to be on set and produce.
• I got noticed.
• I joined the WGA.
• I was asked to teach one course that spring and then I was put on the schedule on my own that following fall.
• I started co-running a theatre company. I made new community.
• When the show came back this year, I was made a Co-Producer.
• I taught two classes this past winter and spring.
• I rewrote a script I had been working on for a long time.
• And I got a meeting on a show.

All of those other things led to where I am now. And it started over three years ago! It wasn't the year after my Dad's death or eight years ago. It took awhile. But everything I've listed above has to do with where I am not.

My intention is to listen.

My intention is to pay attention.

My intention is effect change in what I do.

I am grateful for the ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for a quiet and dark house.

I am grateful that I can get work done.

I am grateful for the good people in my life.

Visions

My friend Susan always does visualizations. There was a time where I thought she was crazy. But there is something to visualizing something for yourself and then bringing it to fruition. With all of this unlimited thinking and letting the Universe dream a bigger dream than you can dream for yourself, how to visualize can be confusing. What if I'm doing it wrong?

I feel the same way about meditation. It took me a full year to decide to meditate before I started doing it. It felt intimidating and like everything was banking on me doing it right. That was enough for me to not do it. But once I just committed to it, it was fine. I feel the same way about visualization. But for me, visualization is about paying attention to how I'm living my life. There might be things I do in one area of my life that are applicable to other areas of my life. So in that case, the visualization is paying attention to what I'm doing in these other aspects of my life.

I did a recent meditation about being a visionary. And in it, I was advised to let it rip in terms of explaining the vision I have for myself. What I loved about the meditation was that community was a part of that vision. Five or six years ago, I had no community in LA. I had no circle of other playwright friends who inspired me. Now, I am at the center of a community.

I was talking to my friend Cory earlier today about a group that everyone wants to get into run by a big theatre in town. I've had conversations with countless friends over the years about why they're not in that group. I've asked myself that question as well. But then I started taking not being included as a badge of honor. I'm not a celebrity playwright - is there any such thing? I've got plenty of playwright friends who are celebrities and I love them. But that's luck as well as talent. I've created something with Chalk Rep, my theatre company, that I feel is really beautiful. We've got a group of writers and actors who come together to create some really cool work. It's a curated group, but it's a group that works because the people in it are open hearted and really care about each other.

I decided to stop being excluded and to start including people in my group. The other group is incredibly exclusionary and it works on its own terms. But it doesn't matter to me how it's run because I don't run it. I run MY group. And if someone told me how to run it, I'd probably kick them in the balls. So I respect the fact that the other group is uncompromising in its approach. But their style just isn't my style. The point is that I created me own thing that is now being shaped by my vision for it. The group existed before me and I didn't take it over right away. But now that I have the reigns, I have some ideas.

What started it all for me was the Playwrights Union, which is a collective of 30 LA-based playwrights who do writing challenges and have events. It's an incredible social group of other writers. I met some of my close friends in that group and it really helped me out at a time when I needed community. I am going from active status to alumni status with the group. I now feel like I have enough community that another playwright who needs community needs to take that spot. I've got my writers group, plus my gay Latino writers collective and I'm also a member of the WGA and that's a huge community. I have all of these networks of people and it's about creating larger networks of support.

So when I have this vision of the things I want to do or what I want to have in my life, I'm already there. I've got groups I'm a part of and groups I'm curating. My taste is being represented in the groups I participate in. I get together with my close pals and we share work with each other. So I can visualize just by living my life, knowing that what I have I want more of and on a larger scale. I'm living the life I want to be living. And now it's about living more of it.

My intention is to grow.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to be present.

I am grateful for time away.
I am grateful for ice cream.
I am grateful for a quiet house.

Breaks are Important/Gratitude in Action

I'm going to Portland in a few days for two weeks.

Play time. That's on the agenda. Plus some research for a pilot I'm working on. But not too much other than that. I want to see friends. I want to eat well. I want to drink beer. But mostly I want to play with my niece and nephews. I want to have story time. I want to have chill time. I want to have dance parties. And I want to sing.

I want to be a kid basically for two weeks.

The professor needs some lessons from his tiny little professors. I want to have the permi-smiles they have on their faces. I want to be as curious as they are. I want to be as engaged and as present. I aspire to that every single day I breathe life on this planet. Frankly, I think I do a decent job at that. But they're even better at it because they're kids. And I want to reflect that back to them so that they never let that go.

I'm healthier than I've ever been, mentally and physically. Sure, I've got some extra weight on these bones that I'd like to let go of. But it's nothing major or life-threatening. It's purely aesthetic. I've got a nice strong face. I have legs that get me around and arms that help me lift things. I can drive in my car. I can make my way around.

When I'm in Portland, I'm going to be able to take the kids out for ice cream and go on walks with them. I will be able to teach them dance moves. One thing I want to make sure we do when I'm in town is make time for story time. I want them to take the story I tell them and build on it. It would be great if I could share with them my love of storytelling in some concrete way. My job is to engage my imagination.

That's why I'm thankful for what I do. I get to engage my imagination and get paid for it. I get paid for keeping my mind sharp and for telling stories that don't often get to be told. I get paid for being socially conscious and aware. I get paid for representing my people in my work. I get paid for speaking my mind and speaking truth to power. I'd love for them to know that that's possible.

My work inspires me. Both my playwriting and my TV writing. I'm working on a pilot that is about my personal awakening. And it's going to be great storytelling and funny as well. I've had the great fortune of learning the craft of TV writing in kind of a crash course in two years. I'm incredibly fortunate to be able to take what I learn and spread the good cheer. I have such great colleagues in the theatre world as well. Gosh, I'm incredibly fortunate to do what I do. And I want to do more of it.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to spread the word.
My intention is to be truthful.
My intention is to speak truth to power.
My intention is to be myself.
My intention is to be free.

I am grateful for the meetings I have set up.
I am grateful for the friends I have supporting me.
I am grateful for the opportunities in front of me.
I am grateful for time I get to spend with my family.
I am grateful for the kind of life I am setting up for myself.

A Good Night's Sleep

I slept amazingly well last night.

Here's why that's a strange thing. I had a big meeting today. Normally, when I anticipate something I sleep horribly. I toss and turn. I worry. I end up being totally sleepy. That didn't happen. Why is that?

The meditation is working. I feel settled in. I did all the work I needed to do. There's no reason to freak out or worry. As my mantras have said:

I am.

I am free.

I nourish the Universe and the Universe nourishes me.

I am the Universe. I am absolute existence.

My Actions are in alignment with cosmic law.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I have everything I need. I'm in a good place. That's why I was calm last night. Everything that could happen will be great and will add to what I already have. But I don't need to fill a void. That's a great place to be. Now I hope I can stay there.

Here's the hard part. Waiting for news. So I'm practicing detachment. I am working on the next thing. I sent thank you notes. I am texting with friends. I'm at the Korean spa working on other stuff. I can't listen to the voices inside my own head with possible outcomes.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I am grateful that the meeting went well.
I am grateful that I said everything I wanted to say.
I am grateful that I am not worried.
I am grateful that I let things flow.
I am grateful that I am constantly learning and growing.
I am grateful that the Universe provides.
I am grateful that I am in a place where I am listening.
I am grateful to know what leads to abundance. 

I am grateful for this food right now. I didn't eat this morning because I didn't want to be bloated. I looked good and I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat last night out of boredom.

Knowing I'm enough is a huge victory. And I'm starting to navigate from that place. It's unfamiliar in some ways. In other ways, it feels totally natural. Maneuvering a career in the TV industry is really tough and it's nice to meet other like-minded individuals. That's a huge success.

Going into a meeting feeling prepared but knowing that it's more important to be yourself is key.  It has taken me so long just to understand that. Life's a journey and I'm growing from that journey. But I also own that I am an expert in my field and I'm not just here to learn. I know things. And in that meeting today, I communicated that, which is an empowering thing. I spoke my truth. And I will continue to speak my truth. That's a victory. Today was full of victories, big and small.

My intention is to go with the flow.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be expansive.
My intention is to be curious.
My intention is to believe, to trust and to let go.

What Do I Want?

Today's meditation reminded me to always ask for what I want and what I want can be as expansive as I want it to be. Sometimes it's difficult to give myself permission to ask for the things I truly want. I am thankful this exercise wasn't that hard. When I'm able to see all that's being set forth in front of me, I know I'm in a good place.

So the following is from my meditation journal around the question WHAT DO I WANT?

I want a life without limitations.

Of course my first answer was that I want a job I'm up for. Then I thought about what that meant for me. And immediately, the word FREEDOM popped into my head. Wanting that job is too small. It's one limited thing. But freedom is something more. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to say what I want to be what I want. That freedom to be myself always is important. Then another phrase popped into my head: NO LIMITATIONS.

I want NO LIMITS in declaring what I want. I put limits on myself all of the time before I even ask for what I want. So even in the asking for what I want, what I want sometimes is limited. So I need to have no limits from the conception of the thought so that when the thought becomes reality, I have asked for something that will give me full freedom. But to do that I have to be free.

Everything I want I can have. And guilt is a limitation. Feeling like I don't deserve something somehow or that it's not available to me. Feeling like there's a cost to what I want or what I ask for is a limitation. Feeling like I will hurt someone's feelings or feeling like I will embarrass someone or feeling like I will make them feel less than. Those are all limitations and I want none of those.

I always give my Mom advice. And I often ask her to ask herself the question

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I don't know if I ever consider that question myself. Or maybe I don't consider it enough. And I ask it of her in relationship to her retirement. How does she want her life to be? But I should ask myself that question in my active life - What do I want my life to be? What do I want?

I came to the conclusion after the meditation that I want a LIMITLESS LIFE. I want no limitations in what I ask for myself and of myself. I can have boundless energy and endless adventures. I can ask for exactly what I want without guilt or shame or embarrassment or fear.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something really simple. I sent in my material to a show. They were looking for a Producer level writer. At first, I looked at the email and kept scrolling. Then I came back to it. I was a Co-Producer on my show this year and the next step is Producer. I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I decided to let go of the notion that my friend who sent out the opportunity was going to laugh in my face and think I was crazy. When I've told some people, I can feel them think that I'm crazy. But that's them putting their own limitations for themselves on me. I knew that putting myself in as a Producer might make my manager agitated. But he wasn't submitting me. I knew that it might be a stretch, so I acknowledged that. But not in a way to discourage or cause doubt. I acknowledged the issue and then I explained why I am qualified. 

I didn't get the job. But that wasn't the point. I knew that I had to shift something in my brain. I had to stop thinking of the limitations. I had to stop thinking that my friend would laugh at my email or that his boss would or that my manager would get wind and think I was an idiot or that my friends when I told them that story would think I have a huge ego. Those are all limitations. Those are all doubts. Those are all Resistance - that little bugger - rearing its dirty little head. I knew that one simple action would start a ripple.

I saw a Showrunner at the Kilroy's party a few weeks ago and she asked me if I was working. I told her no. She asked to read my stuff. I thought she was filming a whole pilot, so I thought I had at least a month or so. But then I found out they were only filming a presentation. And she reached out, wondering if my manager had sent stuff over yet. I had gotten notes from him and I started implementing them by the time I got the email from her wondering where my material was. I had already been working a few days after I got his notes. So when I told him that she needed the material and I wanted to send it before I left for Sonoma, I was prepared. I didn't panic. I did the work. I did not put limitations on myself like fear, doubt, panic. I did it. I gave it to him. He turned it around and sent it. I didn't think about it.

Then I got the email yesterday that she wants to meet with me. Then I found out she wants to meet with me the day I'm leaving to Portland. I'm having my manager check to see if she can see me earlier in the week. I'm putting it out into the flow of the universe. I know it will work out the way it's supposed to.

In asking myself "What Do I Want?" I am focused on getting what I want. The next part of the meditation was about having focus once you've declared what you want. There's the quote from The Alchemist, "Once you decide what you want, the Universe conspires to help you get it." So I'm declaring what I want and I'm taking the steps necessary to get it. That also reminds me of an article I read years ago that my friend Caitlin had passed on. It was about goals versus systems. And the basic idea is that if we're set on one particular goal, it's a limitation. But if we focus on the work we need to do to accomplish that goal, without expecting an outcome, we usually get more than we had asked for in the first place. So I've been working on this "What do I Want?" question for a long time because I started implementing that mentality in my life a few years ago. And when I did that, my life started to change. I did get a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. And people started recognizing me as a prolific person. Even someone like my manager, who isn't aware that this is the way I operate says in his letters about me that I am a "young prolific playwright." Someone that got communicated to him. I wonder how? Maybe because that's what he's seeing from me.

Here's the next part of that meditation journal. What do you truly want? How will you get it? What will it feel like to have it? And who will be around you?

I want to have an entertainment empire. 

I want to be a producer/showrunner with my own shows on the air. I want to have my own ideas for shows. I want to go out and pitch them. Then I want to sell them, write them and film them. I also want the opportunity to direct once I have my first show on the air. Then I'd like to take ideas I like, but maybe can't write myself, and produce those shows as well. I want to parlay the writing into showrunning into directing and into producing. I want to have a production company that does all of this. 

I will write on other people's shows and watch how they run the room and run their set. I will work hard to learn every aspect of production from directing to set design. I will be a producer on the shows I work on. Then I will get the opportunity to pitch my own shows and take them through the pilot process. I will get those shows on the air and once I have the experience of directing under my belt - because I have also started directing play workshops and will direct my first play next year - I will start directing episodes. Eventually, I'd like to by a director for hire if I'm in between shows and want to take a break from running shows or being on staff. 

With all of this experience of being on set as a writer/director, I will start thinking about my friends' ideas and what I love but could never write. Either because I don't have that particular skill for that genre or because I don't have time. Then I will take those projects out under my own shingle and start producing projects. Once I have enough projects in the pipeline, I will have a deal at a studio and hire a development executive who will start that process. I learned about the production deal when I worked for a manager and he had his own pod. I will take that experience in how he developed work and apply it to how I develop work - mainly watching what mistakes I observed. I will have a fully functioning production company - I will borrow from what another playwright/TV writer-producer is doing and start producing plays by people of color and other interesting playwrights who interest me. This will be a natural extension of what I am doing now at Chalk Rep. All of this is a natural extension of what I'm doing at Chalk Rep with my producing of my own work and of my friend Cory's play. I'm already doing this. And if we have a relationship with a big regional theatre that we're looking into this could be a cool way to parlay what I'm doing there with what I want to do on the TV development side.

The encouraging thing is that I am already doing the work I want to be doing. I'm producing theatre and developing relationships with playwrights. I want to take that work and funnel it into production deals. I want to find a way to bring both sides of my working life - theatre and TV - together in a symbiotic way. With all of this producing, writing and directing I'll be doing I will find myself with an entertainment empire where I am a major tastemaker. I said two years ago when I was trying for the PCS job that I felt it was important that I was a major tastemaker in the theatre. That was thinking too small. And they didn't want me. But more importantly, the energy of the Universe didn't want me to think that small. A short while later I became a tastemaker in the theatre in my theatre company. I am being presented with an opportunity to be a bigger tastemaker in the theatre. And eventually, I will be a bigger tastemaker in other media, including television and streaming media.

I will have other people I respect with me: I believe in the talents of Jen, David, Cory, Carrie, Dominic, Dave, among others. But I am also getting to know more writers and directors. I loved working with Julian and Tessa on my show. I would find ways to work with them more. I love Dime and I love Alexis. I think there's room to work with them as well. Then of course there are my Gay Latino hermanos. We're all growing, so by the time I'm ready to start approaching writers to be on staff with me or to produce, we'll all be ready. And we'll all have our empires where we'll get to work with each other or even compete with each other, meaning there will be a lot of us out there.

My intention is to know what I want.

My intention is to act on what I want.

My intention is to be focused.

My intention is to see everything I have done and make it apart of the same goal.

My intention is to remind myself daily of what I have accomplished.

I am grateful that I can state it so clearly.

I am grateful that I want a lot.

I am grateful that my heart and soul are in it.

I am grateful to have the support of a strong and capable community around me.

I am grateful that what I want is what I already have but on a bigger scale.

I am grateful that I know that all of this is attainable.

I am grateful that I am already working on it.

I am grateful that I can see it.

Super Sized Gratitude

From my meditations, here are a few things I have been grateful for lately:

• I am grateful for today's meditation at the top of that mountain looking out and below. Looking at my accomplishments and how I have cut the weeds to clear my path. And it's clear that it's MY path. My path is to be cherished. The meditation made me reflect that there might have been weeds that have grown along my path. And maybe my father planted those weeds or allowed them to grow. But I have the faith and the strength to pull them out from the root and then MY path is revealed. That's my destiny. Every pull, every step, every breath, every ache, every curse word uttered as I climb my path has lead me here. Every difficulty, every struggle, every doubt, every question has led me to the top of the mountain. To look at all of it and realize my accomplishment as I see the animals and the lush greenery and the waterfalls. As I appreciate where my path has led me and I am able to see everything that's beautiful, I know that I am a part of that beauty. And I would not have realized it had I not been on my path.

• I am grateful for the clarity this meditation practice is giving me. I am grateful that I know how to get what I want. I am grateful for the two meditations a day. I am grateful for new life - my best friend Alanna just had a baby and I see all the possibility in the world. I look at my niece and nephews and I see the same thing. It helps me create a vision for myself that's wide eyed and hopeful. And it helps me observe boundless energy, enthusiasm and focus. And when you're a child you have that in infinite amounts. I am grateful that I can engage with them.

• I am grateful for the image of the water and the ocean. I am going to the beach tomorrow, so the meditation with the water sounds was a lovely reminder of that. I am grateful that I know what is important to do now and what is important to do later. I am grateful for a quiet morning. I am grateful for good friends to reflect good things back to me. I am grateful that I can take what I need and leave the rest.

Gratitude is a huge part of my spiritual practice. I have to remind myself of the good around me, otherwise life feels too full of despair. I can feel the despair of my friends sometimes and I acknowledge it and then have to let it go. It's difficult to know that we're on different paths and to just let things be where they need to be instead of trying to control them.

I am grateful I know that.

My intention is to be grateful.

My intention is to continue to be open.

My intention is to be here now.

The Home Run

There are few phrases I loathe more than "the home run script." It's a phrase that managers and agents use to describe a script that is a sure thing. My old managers were big fans of baseball metaphors. You have to "knock this one out of the park." What a set up that was. And I realized what was a home run to me was different than what was a home run to them. They really tried to fit me in a box. Maybe that's because I didn't know who I was back then.

It took some time to figure out the writer I wanted to be. I was so concerned with producing something that they would like or that the industry would be into. It sounds silly to me now. But to then, I was trying to please everybody. There's nothing I wanted more than to make people happy.

Then a lot of personal stuff happened - Dad's death, break up, etc. And I got on the road of giving zero fucks. I ended my relationship with that group of people and I moved on. I took some time off without a rep. Then I got my show and then I got a manager. It frankly has been pretty dry since I signed with him. But I've been working on the show for two seasons. And I didn't have a sample that he felt was a home run.

I had the play that got him to sign me. It was also the play that got me the gig on the show as well. I thought that was enough. Apparently not. Then I showed him two pilots. He hated one. Then he asked me to rewrite the other. He liked the rewrite, but apparently, it wasn't enough for other people to be into. I knew I had this pilot I was working on when I could while I was working on the show and teaching. In the meantime, I wrote a play that got a workshop and got me asked to join a theatre company I love. The workshop went off like gangbusters. And we're going to produce it in 2018.

My friend Jami has another term she likes to use, the "silver bullet play." Again, it's a cousin of the "home run pilot." I thought my earlier play was the "silver bullet." But it got no love from the summer play development programs I applied to. Then everyone saw the newer play and said that was my "silver bullet." It's my favorite play I've written. I sent it out to all of those development opps. So far it has been a finalist for the Bay Area Playwrights Festival and a semifinalist for the Gulfshore Playhouse New Play Festival in September. That's exciting. I'll find out about the Gulfshore Playhouse in a week or so.

But here's what I'm learning. No one knows anything for sure. I have to be happy with what I'm doing. And I'm thrilled with both plays. I realize now that the pilots had their issues. And there's the possibility of me revisiting one of them. But I turned in the pilot that I had been working on and finally finished it a couple of weeks ago. I had a showrunner who wanted to read it. So that lit a fire. Then I had a couple of mini-meetings with some execs that went well. They wanted to set some longer meetings up and that helped move things along. We're sending them that pilot. And my manager really does like it.

Nothing's really a home run. But I'm learning how to be better skilled at writing pilots. Part of that is being on a show and learning how something goes from story idea to outline to script to production. I really think that's the best lesson. And hopefully you get hired off of a play, short story, screenplay or very forward-thinking showrunner. Then you can get in a room and learn. If you're a smart, social person it shouldn't take long to get it. Or maybe you get in a room as an assistant. That works too. But it's that professional polish that gets you that experience. Or it's writing 20 pilots.

See? There is no home run. As there's no overnight success or sure thing. You've got to just write the thing you love and have some skill and put it out there. I've been asked a lot of advice about how to "make it." There is no making it either. But you just have to work hard and keep going and not give up.

I always thought that sounded so corny. I guess it still does. But it's the truth.

My intention is to keep going.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to keep the runway clear.

I am grateful for great colleagues.
I am grateful for my writers groups.
I am grateful for The Clubhouse.
I am grateful for all good things.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for my stamina.