A Vision's Just a Vision If It's Only in Your Head

Today was a good day for productivity of many kinds.

I woke up at 7 AM and went to the gym. I worked out for an hour and sat in the steam room. Left around 9 AM. Then came up here and sent emails - worked. Then headed out to go look for a Saks Off Fifth outlet store that someone recommended I check out. That was a bust, but I realized there's a Whole Foods nearby. That's good info for later.

Went to lunch. Brought my notebook with me in case I needed to write down notes or read anything. I didn't consult the notebook. But I ate. And it was a great bargain. $9.99 for lunch and I had prime rib. I'll be going back there, maybe on Thursday. Or on Friday - on my way out of town. That might be a good way to end my Vegas trip.

Then went to the outlet mall this guy really recommended. And ran smack into the outlet for one of my favorite stores in LA. This might have been a sign. I stalk their website, waiting for sales. So I went in and wanted everything in the store. Here's the good, bad and the ugly: everything was already marked down 30%. Then it was marked down an additional 20%. Except for the stuff in the back, which was marked down 40%. And the stuff in the way, way back, which was a sample sale rack that had samples that were really low. And it looked like everything kept getting marked down because no one was buying. It felt like it was waiting for me. So I bought the things I wanted. And as I was trying things on, and as things were fitting and looking good, I had a thought: "This stuff is meant for me. I'm buying this stuff and I'm going to look good and expensive and hip as I have my meetings." I'm fleshing out my vision of myself. It was incredible. I bought almost $1000 worth of clothes for a fraction of that. But most importantly, I was living out the vision I have for myself. I was dressing the way I wanted to dress and I was paying for it myself. I was becoming the person I've always wanted to be and projecting that through what I'll be wearing. The person people will see is the person I am on the inside as well. It wasn't just about shopping - although it was that and a lot of fun. But in a way it was my Carrie Bradshaw moment of realizing that my emotions are projected through what I wear. For so long, I let other people dress me or fit into what other people wanted me to be. Or I was depressed and stopped caring about what I wore.

I remember The Drummer said to me: "You need to look the part. When people see you, they need to go, 'That's the guy. That's the writer.' If you don't project who you are, no one's going to know you're there." He didn't say exactly that. I paraphrased and rewrote a bit. But that's the gist. I thought of him as I was trying things on and going: "Oh, that's so me. I have to have that." So yes, I have another hoodie. And I have a pair of pink faded jeans that are totally unique and weird looking, but they fit great. They're special. And that's what I wanted. I think I need to get a couple pairs of Vans slip-ons to go with the look. I can already feel that happening. But I got a great navy sweater that says "SUNDAY" on it. Everything I got has a sense of whimsy and ease and has clean lines. That's what I love to wear.

I might have to go back for another pair of shorts. One might not be enough. I'll have to see though.

Why is that important? Because I have done so much work on myself in these past few years - and especially in these last few months - that I have to look like myself. I've got the choppy bob I wanted. And now I'm building the wardrobe I've wanted.

A vision's just a vision if it's only in your head…it has to come to LIFE!"

Bit by bit, putting it together…

I am grateful for a new wardrobe.
I am grateful that my store has an outlet and I found it. 
I am grateful that it found me.
I am grateful to see what I want when I look in the mirror.
I am grateful to be doing what I want.
I am grateful to be guiding the ship.
I am grateful that I am guiding the ship to go in the direction I want to go in, without a co-captain.

Documentary Corner: Mademoiselle C

As evidenced by what I've discussed here so far, I'm a big fan of documentaries.  Especially of fashion documentaries.  I've seen:

Unzipped
The September Issue
Valentino: The Last Emperor
The Tents
L'Amour Fou
In Vogue: The Editor's Eye
About Face
The Eye Has to Travel

There are probably others that I'm not thinking of right now.  But I love behind the scenes stories.  I love Project Runway and I have a bit of a fascination with Kell on Earth, which was only on for one season.  But that's for another entry.

As a kid, I loved fashion. I think I loved the spectacle and fantasy of it.  It was a real fantasy in the everyday kind of moment.  I didn't have access to fashion around me as a kid, so I read lots of fashion magazines and they transported me away.  My biggest sources of information and reading were fashion magazines and comic books.

PAUSE: There's something in the intersection of fashion magazines and comic books that I'll have to visit later.  But not a SUPERmodel.  

I also love big personalities and hyperbole.  So fashion is perfect for me in that regard.  I love any one who's a character.  These fashion people in the documentaries or the ones who were interviewed on TV had these larger than life personalities and always a catch phrase. I remember Andre Leon Talley, who I was obsessed with as a kid, said in Unzipped, "The comeback is major!"  Polly Mellen also said in that documentary, "This is saying 'yes' to me very distinctly."  That became by catchphrase in college, a fact I had forgotten but was reminded of when I came back for a wedding last April.  I watched Fashion Television, CNN's Style with Elsa Klensch, Videofashion, and just about anything else I could get my hands on.  House of Style!  I loved House of Style.

So now as an adult, I have met a group of people who shared my obsession. And whenever a fashion documentary comes out, we make a date of it and go together.  Last Sunday, I went to see Mademoiselle C, the documentary about Carine Roitfeld former French Vogue editor, with my friends Emily and Amanda.  As a documentary, it wasn't the most cohesive.  As a writer, I felt it could have used a story and it could have been more like The September Issue, which was really about the personalities involved in the shoots that were put together for the Vogue September Issue.  This was not as in depth.  The September Issue felt like an expose.  This felt more like a fly on the wall.  But who wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall when Carine Roitfeld is putting together her first issue of CR Fashion Book?

It had all the things I love about fashion documentaries.  It had great fashion, great personalities and people waxing poetic about how purposeful the fashion life is.  I ate it up.  And it was just a great cleansing gelato at the end of a long week.  Pretty people, smart talk, a bit of the esoteric...kind of sounds like theatre.

Purity

I am on a mini-juice cleanse.

What does that mean?  It means that I am drinking juices made with kale, spinach, cilantro, cucumber, celery, ginger and lemon.  And another made with spinach, pineapple, cilantro and celery.  It also means that I am probably going to be very cranky later.

But it's all apart of the detox that I have been undergoing over the past three years.  It's also symbolic.  As artists, we reinvent ourselves.  Or we should.  Everyone else can be static, but what's the point if you're an artist?  It's about evolving every day.  It's about experimentation.  It's about figuring out what works, adding it in and taking away the things you don't like.  Kind of like a Greens juice.

What's bitter?
What's sweet?
What's tart?
What's off putting?

Oh, yes. It's all a symbol for changes in life.  I've also been running a lot lately, sometimes twice a day. I was walking back from a run this morning and I ran into my friend Amanda who, when I told her I was also on a juice cleanse, said that I didn't need to lose weight.  Los Angeles: it is all about losing weight, isn't it?  And that was a very sweet thing for her to say. But it's not about losing weight, although as a metaphor there is a lot that I'm hanging onto that I don't need any more.

I have done three or four cleanses in the past few years and each time I do them it is only partially about the physical.  It really is about letting go of the dead skin, the fat and the weight of a life I'm not living any more.  I am taking the things out that I don't need any more.  It's like cleaning one's closet.  I'm freshening my closet.

All of these metaphors!

I gave up caffeine two and a half years ago because I didn't like the way my body felt.  I didn't like the up and down.  I didn't like depending on something to give me a reason to get up out of bed.  I felt like I was being forced out of bed by forces against my will.  It was like another force was making me live a certain life.  And I got rid of that.  So now I can be guided by my own body's natural impulses.  The caffeine, for me, was all about instinct.  I live more according to my instinct.  Although now I have a bit more of a sugar craving than I used to.  But sugar was never my drug.  I can manage that.  And when it's good, it's real good.  Like opium.  And I haven't needed to do that since I was nineteen.  I only did it once.

I am too heavy weight-ise these days.  Again, it's not vanity--not entirely.  It's always about vanity on some level, but it's about what I need and what I don't need.  I feel like I am on this journey to find my purest self.  And my purist self.

My tarot cards say I am on a spiritual path.  And that I need to see money as energy, not as corruption.  That's why I'm blocking it.

Fortunately, my spiritual path is on tandem with my creative path, which is why it's so enjoyable for me to explore.  I can explore my spirituality and my quest for deeper meaning through my creative work.  That is what has always driven me more than money for the sake of acquisition.

I'm not trying to paint myself as some sort of yogi.  I grew up watching the fashion shows on TV and I follow the current collections.  I know the designers.  I just went to a documentary about Carine Roitfeld last weekend.  She's the former editor in chief of French Vogue.  I love myself some material goods. I love the craftsmanship and I appreciate that the discussion around fashion is elite.  But the fashion world runs on democracy.  Fashion, like art, should be for the masses.  Its aspiration is what makes it such a fantasy, but really it is for everyone.  So even in my fascination with fashion, I geek out on the craftsmanship.

But that's why just making money hasn't worked for me.  I admit that I block it. I know that now.  The greed and the conspicious consumption are a turn off.  But money IS energy.  It's not just power.  But it's energy towards a pursuit.  And that is an idea I can get on board with.  Money not only opens doors, but it gives energy to the thing you want.  That's why artistic commissions are important.  That's also why getting paid big money in television is important.  It's an indication that you are creating something for the masses.  That's a lot of energy.  Hence, a lot of money.

Again, it comes back to purity.  What do I need?  What is essential to me?  Finding what is essential does not just mean paring down.  Making smaller.  It can be expansive.  It's essential to have peace.  It's essential to have kindness.  It's essential to love.  It's essential to give.  Those are all big things.  Peace, kindness, love and generosity should not be small endeavors.  They need to be huge.  And they're essential.

I'm probably getting off track.  But that's all right.  It just means I'm on track.  And just drinking green juices and water today.  Is that what happens when you strip everything else away?

I like it.