About two and a half weeks ago, I took a spin class with two of my closest friends. I thought I would be fine. I ran a marathon. Eight years ago. I go to the gym. I was there three times last month. And I'm gay. So I figured that spinning would be my thing. Boy, was it not my thing. At least that day and in the week that followed. A famous playwright was teaching this spin class. So I figured, "How hard can it possibly be?" We're not known for our physicality and our stamina. I write three lines and I'm ready for a nap. Or a chocolate. Or a blow job. The point is that I'm ready for a reward after doing barely any work.
But the music came on. It felt like Sheila had the "Now, That's What I Call Music 400" compilation on speed dial. I heard the LMFAO. I probably heard some Lady Gaga or something else clubby. At first, it was fine. Just pedaling. I thought I had it in the bag. Then we had to get up and pedal upright. What the fuck? That was just unfair torture. After the first 10 minutes of class, I thought I was going to throw in the towel. I couldn't believe how quickly spin class was kicking my ass. I didn't understand the rhythm of the standing cycle. It's not pedaling. It's more like dance, where you shift your weight and you move to the rhythm. I was about to walk about for the second ten minutes of class. We were in the front. I wasn't sure how I was going to explain it to Sheila or David or Cory. I was ashamed of myself. I was doing so poorly. I looked in the mirror at the folks behind me. They were sweating, but they were pumping hard. I hated them. I felt like they were judging me.
The class was in Silverlake. I had worn my heather grey "Mustangs" t-shirt ironically and I was sporting a man bun and wood. The man bun was giving me major wood! I was hipsteriffic (or hips terrific - as my autocorrect was just trying to tell me). In the land of hipsters, I should have had this by the shaved balls. But I did not. Spin had ME by the shaved balls and the trimmed pubes. Oh, it had me with the viciest vice grip ever. But then something happened…
Half way through I got the rhythm. Rhythm isa dancer and my dance training got me through the rest of the class. As did my marathon training. When you're running a marathon and pushing your body to the max, you don't stop. You keep going. Even if at Mile 8 you realize you made a big mistake three weeks earlier when you ran your last big training fun (20 miles) about one hour faster than you should have. So I kept going. I kept going and pumping and I was looking so good with my glistening sweat and my man bud, which did NOT come undone. I got off the bike at the end of class, almost lost my footing because my legs were Jello. But it didn't matter. I had finished. And I lived to tell the tale.
Until two days later when my legs were so stiff that I couldn't move for three more days. It was bad. But my stamina training taught me to keep going: mind over matter. But mind over matter's only good until they have to amputate your legs.
But I kept going. I moved around gently. But I still moved around. An entire week of writing was shot because I couldn't get into a comfortable enough place. I couldn't sit down. I couldn't stand. I couldn't lie down. I couldn't be on my back or on my side. It was horrible. But I learned something. I learned that I could focus and push beyond all obstacles. And yes, there would be pain later. But I'm not afraid of pain.
Today, I got back on a bike. Immediately after class--and even during my leg crisis--I felt like I had found another thing I love like running. Despite the pain, I knew I'd be back on a bike shortly. I fucking loved it. I do love to suffer, it's true. But I love how it made me feel. I loved how sweaty I got. And I love how I was able to stay in one place and just focus on what's directly in front of me.
I'm not going to stop for pain and discomfort. I'm not going to stop because I'm tired. I'm going to keep going. And then I'm going to have to spend time in recovery because I pushed myself too hard. But by pushing myself too hard, I release my toxins and I exorcise my demons. After the spin incident, I could feel my body getting rid of toxins. Not to get gross, but my urine was darker. I had stuff I had to flush out. It was a cleanse. And when I write at a certain pace, it is a cleansing experience as well.
Sheila's spin class reminded me that writing is surpassing one's limits…and then recovering. You have to do both or you won't be able to do it all over again and get better and stronger over time.
I am grateful for physical lessons that become intellectual ones.
I am grateful for my leg strength.
I am grateful for my stamina.
I am grateful for great fun.
Friday, May 22, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Which Way Do I Go?
I've had the great fortune of being able to develop a new play this year with a theatre company out here called Moving Arts. I starting month four of what will amount to being an eight month process. I wrote a big new play. Then I wrote a few more drafts of the big new play and had a second reading of it last month. Now I'm gearing up for a public reading of it at the end of May. That will launch me into another series of rewrites. Then I will have a workshop in August and rehearsals that are gearing up for a big public reading at the end of September.
So I'm at the half way point and I'm at a turning point in the script. I have two schools of thought about which direction the play should go in. I've got a few people telling me there's a more traditional play in there that's waiting to come out. And then there's my instinct, which wants something a little more free form. After the reading in April, many good things came through. But the play felt a bit unfocused and largely that was by design. I've proclaimed that I wanted to do a Robert Altman-esque version of this play. Some thought that I was just experimenting in free form so I could write something that had a more classic story arc. I knew that I was never doing that. So I resisted notes that put me anywhere near anything classic or traditional.
Then two of my closest writing friends had some comments that leaned towards a traditional approach. Although they did have suggestions on how to do the more experimental version of the script. And I think that's what shook me to my core. I expected them to be more fully gung ho about the crazy version I was writing. So I took lots of notes and looked at what people were saying and what people were responding to.
So I had pressure from one end to do something that was a bit smaller. But that pressure had been there since before I had written one word. I think that's why it was so easy to dismiss. But having two of my most trusted confidantes way similar things really put a wrench in my plans. Then my friend David and I chatted about what this play could be. I was starting to learn towards this "smaller" version. But something just wouldn't let go of the "bigger version" of the play. So basically I have been sitting on it and thinking a lot. I haven't done any work on the play in two weeks.
Today, I decided that I would look at the script and see what came out of me. I started journalling about the play and then some ideas started falling out. I also looked at the script and what I had. I started thinking about the play's focus and the idea of "who's play is it?" I realized that I had two things fighting against each other: the students stories and the stories of the two faculty members. I had these two faculty members whose lives were being affected by their participation in the drills. And then I had parallels with the students. It became hard to know where to focus. As I was writing, it became clear to me that this play is the students' story. I might have all four students or I might have two or three. And I know that I want to focus on one character in particular. Since my first reading, Kramer's story seemed to leap out and grab people. Then I have the story of another guy named Wynn. He's an African American kid, decisively. I thought he might be Latino at one point. I think he needs to be black for reasons that really resonate in the wake of Ferguson and what's happening right now in Baltimore. And I've got two other characters who I haven't written as strongly: the two female high school students. But I realized why that was. I had two strong female teacher characters who were taking their place. And those four female characters were fighting against each other. As I was writing down notes in my journal, things became clear to me.
I wasn't choosing any more between the smaller more "produceable version" of this script and the more "experimental, non produceable" version. I was choosing for story, which is something I should always be doing. I think this version of the story will focus on the lives of the students more distinctly and less on the lives of the administrators. I can't say what form that will take in terms of structure. But I have an idea about how time passes in the play. And I have a specific idea about number of characters and how "big" this play will get. I think there's still a feeling of ensemble. I'm excited about working on it again in a way I haven't been excited since the last reading.
It's just interesting that given all of the resources I have with this theatre that the conversation quickly became about produceability. And that has not been a concern of mine. I always said that I wasn't going to write a small version of this that's four characters. And then I started getting feedback that wanted to turn it into that. And frankly, it was making me confused, frustrated and angry. So I had to step away from that conversation.
I'm about to go into "hermit mode" and get into the "writer's cave" (two expressions I hate). But I am sequestering myself over the next month. Funny, but this is exactly where I was last May. I won't be going away but I think I will be allowing myself time to be alone. I think I will need this time alone away from everything. I have two big things to write this month. This is different from last year, where I tried to do three things and I was just fatigued and couldn't do it. Two will be enough. More than that is just crazy making.
I'm going to allow myself the time to work on the play, which is the priority. The other script will be fine. I can get that done easily. I know what that is already and it's outlined. I can get that done in a week. That hopefully will feel like a breeze.
I feel full of hope again. Funny how that's fleeting sometimes.
I am grateful for writing sessions at the Weho Library.
I am grateful for the advice of smart people.
I am grateful for my champions.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the love of friends.
I am grateful for support.
I am grateful for my community.
So I'm at the half way point and I'm at a turning point in the script. I have two schools of thought about which direction the play should go in. I've got a few people telling me there's a more traditional play in there that's waiting to come out. And then there's my instinct, which wants something a little more free form. After the reading in April, many good things came through. But the play felt a bit unfocused and largely that was by design. I've proclaimed that I wanted to do a Robert Altman-esque version of this play. Some thought that I was just experimenting in free form so I could write something that had a more classic story arc. I knew that I was never doing that. So I resisted notes that put me anywhere near anything classic or traditional.
Then two of my closest writing friends had some comments that leaned towards a traditional approach. Although they did have suggestions on how to do the more experimental version of the script. And I think that's what shook me to my core. I expected them to be more fully gung ho about the crazy version I was writing. So I took lots of notes and looked at what people were saying and what people were responding to.
So I had pressure from one end to do something that was a bit smaller. But that pressure had been there since before I had written one word. I think that's why it was so easy to dismiss. But having two of my most trusted confidantes way similar things really put a wrench in my plans. Then my friend David and I chatted about what this play could be. I was starting to learn towards this "smaller" version. But something just wouldn't let go of the "bigger version" of the play. So basically I have been sitting on it and thinking a lot. I haven't done any work on the play in two weeks.
Today, I decided that I would look at the script and see what came out of me. I started journalling about the play and then some ideas started falling out. I also looked at the script and what I had. I started thinking about the play's focus and the idea of "who's play is it?" I realized that I had two things fighting against each other: the students stories and the stories of the two faculty members. I had these two faculty members whose lives were being affected by their participation in the drills. And then I had parallels with the students. It became hard to know where to focus. As I was writing, it became clear to me that this play is the students' story. I might have all four students or I might have two or three. And I know that I want to focus on one character in particular. Since my first reading, Kramer's story seemed to leap out and grab people. Then I have the story of another guy named Wynn. He's an African American kid, decisively. I thought he might be Latino at one point. I think he needs to be black for reasons that really resonate in the wake of Ferguson and what's happening right now in Baltimore. And I've got two other characters who I haven't written as strongly: the two female high school students. But I realized why that was. I had two strong female teacher characters who were taking their place. And those four female characters were fighting against each other. As I was writing down notes in my journal, things became clear to me.
I wasn't choosing any more between the smaller more "produceable version" of this script and the more "experimental, non produceable" version. I was choosing for story, which is something I should always be doing. I think this version of the story will focus on the lives of the students more distinctly and less on the lives of the administrators. I can't say what form that will take in terms of structure. But I have an idea about how time passes in the play. And I have a specific idea about number of characters and how "big" this play will get. I think there's still a feeling of ensemble. I'm excited about working on it again in a way I haven't been excited since the last reading.
It's just interesting that given all of the resources I have with this theatre that the conversation quickly became about produceability. And that has not been a concern of mine. I always said that I wasn't going to write a small version of this that's four characters. And then I started getting feedback that wanted to turn it into that. And frankly, it was making me confused, frustrated and angry. So I had to step away from that conversation.
I'm about to go into "hermit mode" and get into the "writer's cave" (two expressions I hate). But I am sequestering myself over the next month. Funny, but this is exactly where I was last May. I won't be going away but I think I will be allowing myself time to be alone. I think I will need this time alone away from everything. I have two big things to write this month. This is different from last year, where I tried to do three things and I was just fatigued and couldn't do it. Two will be enough. More than that is just crazy making.
I'm going to allow myself the time to work on the play, which is the priority. The other script will be fine. I can get that done easily. I know what that is already and it's outlined. I can get that done in a week. That hopefully will feel like a breeze.
I feel full of hope again. Funny how that's fleeting sometimes.
I am grateful for writing sessions at the Weho Library.
I am grateful for the advice of smart people.
I am grateful for my champions.
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for the love of friends.
I am grateful for support.
I am grateful for my community.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Mayday
Another crazy May is in store for me.
Last year, I had three scripts to finish in May. I finished two.
This year…I'm possibly going for another three. Let's see how that pans out. I got out of town last year to get my shit done. That was really fun. I don't have the resources to do that this year, but that's okay. I can learn from the lessons of last year and get my shit together.
I have to figure out this rewrite of the play by May 31st.
I have to write a spec script of Looking for the studio fellowship applications. I've got NBC, WB, and ABC to send stuff off to.
And I would like to at least outline the new reimagining of my pilot. I at least know what the story is.
The funny thing about this week is that I figured out the Looking script, I figured out the new pilot story and I started a new play. The new play will have to wait. I think. Well, nothing ever happens in the order I think it will.
But I do want to give the TV stuff a shot, so I need to write that spec. It's a shorter spec than last year, so I am going to try to do it in two weeks or less. I have no choice but to work on those two things at the same time since they are both due at the same time. Get that in and out of the way.
The good thing is that I have a lot of ideas. The bad thing is that I need to focus. I will have to spend a lot of time trying to make time to get everything done. The important thing is to get my sleep and to focus, focus, focus.
I'm going to cut the play this weekend. Then write the first draft of the spec script next week. Then I'm going to work on the play the following week. Then I'm going to finish up the spec with another draft. Then I'm going to keep working on the play until May 31st. With the spec, I want to get everything in early as possible.
I did it last year. I got the pilot in for Sundance and I finished a proper draft of my play by the 18th of May. Then I took a month to work on the spec House of Cards I wrote. Last year, I wrote something to prove that I could write it. I wasn't focused on getting into these programs. This year, I'm writing about things that speak to my heart and soul. I want this to be a tight script and get me work.
I am grateful for so many things to work on.
I am grateful for the help of old friends.
I am grateful for happy times.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for a community of like-minded friends and artists.
Last year, I had three scripts to finish in May. I finished two.
This year…I'm possibly going for another three. Let's see how that pans out. I got out of town last year to get my shit done. That was really fun. I don't have the resources to do that this year, but that's okay. I can learn from the lessons of last year and get my shit together.
I have to figure out this rewrite of the play by May 31st.
I have to write a spec script of Looking for the studio fellowship applications. I've got NBC, WB, and ABC to send stuff off to.
And I would like to at least outline the new reimagining of my pilot. I at least know what the story is.
The funny thing about this week is that I figured out the Looking script, I figured out the new pilot story and I started a new play. The new play will have to wait. I think. Well, nothing ever happens in the order I think it will.
But I do want to give the TV stuff a shot, so I need to write that spec. It's a shorter spec than last year, so I am going to try to do it in two weeks or less. I have no choice but to work on those two things at the same time since they are both due at the same time. Get that in and out of the way.
The good thing is that I have a lot of ideas. The bad thing is that I need to focus. I will have to spend a lot of time trying to make time to get everything done. The important thing is to get my sleep and to focus, focus, focus.
I'm going to cut the play this weekend. Then write the first draft of the spec script next week. Then I'm going to work on the play the following week. Then I'm going to finish up the spec with another draft. Then I'm going to keep working on the play until May 31st. With the spec, I want to get everything in early as possible.
I did it last year. I got the pilot in for Sundance and I finished a proper draft of my play by the 18th of May. Then I took a month to work on the spec House of Cards I wrote. Last year, I wrote something to prove that I could write it. I wasn't focused on getting into these programs. This year, I'm writing about things that speak to my heart and soul. I want this to be a tight script and get me work.
I am grateful for so many things to work on.
I am grateful for the help of old friends.
I am grateful for happy times.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for a community of like-minded friends and artists.
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