My Baby Wrote Me a Letter

I've been doing the Oprah/Deepak Meditation Challenge and I'm a few days behind. But the Day 4 Meditation had me reflecting in a journal and asked me to write a letter to myself. I thought it was so helpful that I figured I'd share. This is a letter to remind myself to be good to myself.

Dear Self:

People love being around you. They feel better after talking to you. You create a light in whatever room you walk into. Maybe that's because you walk in with a smile. You're always smiling and that immediately puts people at ease. Then you say something affirming or insightful and people immediately feel they can trust you. You put aside your own ego mainly to listen and to be helpful to others. Honestly, at the core, you believe that we're all better if we're in community with one another and not competition. You have so many groups of people around you who affirm you and who you also affirm. You're generous with your time and your spirit. You become better when you are surrounded by others.

Yes, you're a talented writer. That's not hard to see. You really consider who your characters are and you don't judge them. That's because you try your hardest not to judge others. Sometimes you're not successful, but mainly you succeed. You live most of your life not in judgment of others, but in service to them and in relationship to them. Your ability to be this generous is what makes you an incredible writer. You pay attention - you find the humor and love in every day life.

You're a member of the WGA - a full, fledged, due paying member. You're a Co-Producer of a TV show and have worked hard to get there. You deserve to be acknowledged for that. You help run a theatre company - a whole group of people had a conversation about you when you weren't there, acknowledged everything I just mentioned about you and decided that they wanted you with them. You have writers telling you how helpful your notes are. You have students telling you the same thing. You're a respected college professor as well. You're a professional writer, the thing you've always wanted to be.

You listen. You care for your friends. You care for your family. You give up your time to help others. You have a generous spirit towards everyone you meet. And if there's someone who isn't up to par, you let them be on their way without judgment. You understand that everyone's journey is their own and you don't want to impede on anyone's path. You take in the good things. You live your life, not in a writer's cave, but out in the world. You experience things and let them affect you. You acknowledge the pain and struggle in your life and you figure out how to make it work for you.

You are present. You are with everyone you meet. You're a great friend. You're going to be a great partner to someone again someday. You've got so much to offer everyone. And they know it. And now, so do you.

I need the daily reminder of my successes. If I don't remember them, then how will others know everything I've done and how capable I am of the things I'm trying to do. I liked this one. And it was in response to the first exercise, which asked me to write down the ways I feel competitive with other people or how I compare myself. Here's that response, which then prompted the next exercise, which was basically " be good to yourself, no matter what.

I compare myself to others all of the time. Mainly in my work as a TV writer, but also in my personal life with people who look better than me or have relationships. It makes me feel inadequate every time. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough or I haven't done enough. I believe that someone's opportunity has closed a door for me and that I have to hunt around for the next door. I also believe that I am better when I get something and someone else doesn't. Or I am worse if someone else gets something that I wanted.

My intention is to see good things in myself.

My intention is to celebrate myself.

My intention is to be good to myself.

My intention is to be forgiving.

I am grateful for my friends. 

I am grateful for the life I get to live.

I am grateful for the fun I bring.

I am grateful for the good I spread.

I am grateful that people support me.

Weekend at Billy's

This weekend did not end with someone dying and being propped up.

Every year, I spend one weekend at my friend Bill's house at an annual party. I get the chance to reconnect with my community here, which is really Bill's circle of friends. I've known Bill for twelve years since we met at a pool in Palm Springs without our clothes on during Fourth of July weekend. I've been up to his Sonoma house because of parties with hot guys. I've stayed here for my birthday before in the winter. I've been up at the house with different boyfriends. I love Bill because he's a great friend and always has great people around him.

He's also a great example of someone thriving in his 60s, staying active in both his work and his social life. Even though Bill has money and has a thriving life, he's grounded and our conversations about life and career are aways mutually beneficial. Right now, it's after 11:30 PM and I'm sitting outside at a table in his backyard, with a string of lights above me and my laptop out. I came here for relaxation and to get away from how busy my life has been. And I'm sure glad I did.

I was supposed to read some scripts this weekend. One of them I got through. And the two others I will pick up tomorrow morning and give writers' notes. The two scripts I started reading have some issues, so I wasn't compelled to finish them yet. I didn't want to spend such a beautiful night in this beautiful place reading scripts I wasn't excited about. I'd rather write in my blog and reflect on the weekend.

I drove up Friday morning and I did the thing I always do on this long drive to the Bay Area. I did it in silence - for the most part. I had some music on in the beginning of the trip. But most of it was spent quietly reflecting on life. I have done this quiet drive from LA to the Bay Area for the past five or six years. It's my favorite way to spend the drive. I don't know what compelled me to do it in the first place, but I love the silence.

Then I got to Bill's and we packed up and headed to Sonoma. The conversation on the way up was good as always. We caught up on what's going on with our mutual friends Thomas, Scott, and Shawn who weren't going to be there this weekend. These guys are my touchstones and the guys I know the best out of his group. I was nervous that I wasn't going to have anyone to talk to. But I knew I'd have time in the kitchen with Rafael and time hanging out at the pool with Ventura. I knew there would be dancing and laughing, but I didn't know there would also be high heels and wigs. Spending so much time lately trying to get this new pilot script done and out the door left me with a serious need to play dress up. I told Bill about the guy who I might have a connection with. We got to the house and then made it to a local winery for some tasting. Then Ventura and Rafael arrived and we went to dinner. We laughed so much and then came back and danced, drank and put on a fashion show of our looks for the party the next day. I didn't think about my writing at all. I wasn't worried about a deadline. I could just be silly and have fun.

The next morning we woke up and got ready for the party, I was on guacamole duty and food prep with Rafael while Bill and Ventura got the house ready with rainbow flags. Guests started arriving. We started drinking. We got in the pool and I had a speedo on. Then we changed and went to this outdoor dance party and came back to the house later that night and had a lot more fun. I ended up skinny dipping with this married guy named Jack and we had an incredible conversation about relationships and sexuality. We made a connection and I went to bed feeling enlightened.

This morning I woke up and started cleaning up the kitchen from the night's debauchery. Then Bill came and got me to head to the local deli and market for some breakfast. We sat in the deli and chatted about the night before and recounted funny stories while trying to make sure a young, unsupervised boy did not pull the fire alarm again in the market. We were joined later by our friends and then we headed off to the pool for an afternoon of hanging out in our respective speedos telling jokes and making each other laugh. Then we went to dinner for our friend Mickey's birthday and had ice cream. Everyone else went back to SF. Bill and I are staying here one last night before driving back to SF tomorrow so I can drive down to San Jose and see my college friends for dinner.

Bill and I sat outside after coming back home and we chatted about our work habits. Our constant need to communicate with people articulately through email. Our attention to detail. Our obsession with organization and clarity. As I'm more of a professional than I've ever been, listening to Bill's stories about the way he works reinforced that I have a method to working that works. There were a lot of similarities in the way that we both work. And Bill has been very successful. It let me know that I am on the right track.

Being with Bill and the caliber of his friends was a good litmus test for the relationships - both professional and personal - that I want to have. Yes, Bill has money and status and two incredible homes. But his homes are populated with the most supportive group of friends. And Bill has such a generosity of spirit when it comes to welcoming people in his home. We talked a lot about community. He asked who my posse is in LA. And I talked about Cory and Dominic - my writers posse. We talked about my Gay Latino Writers Group. I realized that I have so many communities in my life of people who support me. I'm always running off to something. This week alone I am starting out leaving Sonoma and my SF community. Then I go to see my Santa Clara community of former teachers, colleagues and classmates. I'm returning to LA on Tuesday specifically to attend a WGA LGBT writers committee meeting with the Gay Latino Writers. I have another WGA event on Wednesday. Then my theatre company has a bimonthly event on Thursday. And Friday I'm having lunch with my friend David who I haven't seen in awhile to just catch up. These are my people. This is my group. This is who takes up my time when I'm not writing. I've got a great posse. I'm really lucky.

I say that from under the stars in wine country. I say that as a sit in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved cotton cashmere t-shirt. I say that outside my good friend Bill's home. I say that looking out at the vineyard. I say that being on this beautiful property I can call part of my home away from home in the Bay Area.

My intention is to rest.
My intention is to recharge.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to enjoy.

I am grateful for the warm heart and hospitality of old friends.
I am grateful for the sincere love shown to me.
I am grateful to have time to just be and sleep.
I am grateful to be single.
I am grateful that I am here alone.
I am grateful that this is where I feel at peace right now.

Success Is A Dirty Word

I worked a long time to get to a certain place in my career.

I moved to New York. I went to graduate school. I moved back to LA. I worked in an entertainment office for seven years. I produced theatre. I wrote ten spec scripts. I wrote eleven full length plays. I wrote at least twelve spec pilots. I wrote countless drafts of all of those scripts. I wrote 1000 pages one year, then 2000 the next and 1500 the year after that. I took an office. I gave up dates. I gave up a relationship. I worked temp jobs. I worked at agencies. I worked for showrunners. I thought about giving up hundreds of times probably.

Then I got my first job last year. And I had some success. I also started teaching regularly. I finally landed where I wanted to. I joined the WGA. I had some money. I could buy the drinks.

And then this year came and was a complete shock to me. I have been struggling to finish a spec pilot I had intended on rewriting already. Because I started working in January, holding down two jobs, I had to pick up and put down and pick back up the script I had started. And each time I picked it back up, I had to start over and rebreak the outline. I finally finished a rebroken version of the outline today. It has taken me so much longer than I intended. But it is much stronger a story than I had before.

I feel like I have finally incorporated everything I learned from being on staff for the past two years to rebreak this pilot. I am getting better at pinpointing the issue and threading an arc through a pilot story. We rebroke story so much this season on our show that it gave me an incredible amount of practice. And I've discovered that rebreaking on your own is so much harder than it is in a room.

All of that stopping and starting has made me feel like I've hardly gotten anything done this year. It's half way through the year and I feel like I have not accomplished that much. Except for making a triple jump in title and writing/producing two episodes of television. Plus teaching two classes back to back on Thursdays. I'm finding that success makes me doubt myself in much more clever ways. I can accomplish all of these things, I can be living out my dream and the one regret I have is that I haven't finished my spec pilot yet.

Yes, it's true that I need to finish this spec in order to give a sample to my manager so he can go out and get me meetings. But I keep thinking that a few years ago, I wrote five scripts in a year. I have written pilots in a month. I have rewritten pilots in a week. I have moved a lot faster than this. Back when I wasn't making any money. Back when I couldn't pay my bills. Back when I couldn't buy the drinks or had to make excuses why I couldn't make it out for something because I was too broke.

Somehow, I was starting to feel nostalgic for those days. Because I was getting more done. In my mind. The reality is that I did a lot of writing in the first five months of the year. And I spent a lot of time during production working on rebreaking story because we had some big emergencies come up. I was also teaching two classes and grading papers. So there wasn't a lot of time for my own work. I didn't realize that success wouldn't be the instant save or the cure all I thought it would be.

I was talking to my friend Carrie today on the phone about how no one tells you that success has its own set of challenges. And how I feel guilty even having that thought that success would be a challenge. Or how I'd even have guilt saying, "I'm successful" without qualifying it with "but there's a lot more work I still need to do" or "but I'm not as successful as I really want to be." Somehow saying, "I'm successful" means that I think I'm better than other people or I'm bragging. But the truth is that I am successful in crafting my life in the way I want it.

I help run a theatre company and last week I was directing a workshop that culminated in a reading this past weekend that went very well. That's success to me because I worked with great actors on a great play and had a great time. I inspired my team. I exercised my ability to bring people together - a skill that will continue to serve me on future writing staffs. I am successful because I have opportunities to do things I had talked about wanting to do. I'm doing the three things I want to be doing: TV, theatre and teaching.

But that means my year is taking on a different structure than years past. One year I might write 2000 pages of all original material. Another year, I might not writing anything of my own because I'm on staff all year. That might be three or four years. This year, I worked on the show from January to May. And now I have until the end of August - my summer break - to finish this pilot and to write two more. That's my aim for myself. Then I have to take that goal and forget about it. I have to just start working on ideas for both pilots. I have to research and listen to podcasts and read articles and talk to friends about the idea. And whatever I have done by August 28th will be a success to me because I know that I will spend every day of the summer being productive. Just like I spend every day all year working. Not every day is spent physically writing. But every day is spent writing through brainstorming, through watching You Tube videos, through conversations, through journal entries, through rewriting and also through actual writing.

This summer is important. Because when I go back and teach in the Fall, it will be all about that moment. It's honestly hard to get as much done when I'm teaching. But that is helping me get through the rest of the year financially. So this year will look like this:

January - May - working on the show and teaching
June  - August - working on my own work
September - December - teaching

So these three months are vital. And I'm finishing up a script now so I can spent the next two months working on two scripts.

My social life has also increased. I am doing a lot more WGA events to network. I have a Gay Latino Writers Group I am now a part of. I have the theatre company. And I have friends I need to see - usually around some cultural event like seeing a play. So sometimes I do get nostalgic for getting to finish a pilot in a month. But that was before I had the skills I have now. So now because I worked so hard on those scripts to land jobs, I can write more in a shorter amount of time. Those three summer months will be more productive than other chunks of time before this.

I'm learning to manage my good fortune. It's a different experience for me. But this is the one lesson I've learned: Money and Outward Success aren't going to make things easier for me. It's all still difficult. But if I have the option of doing this with money or without, I'm going to choose doing it with. It doesn't change my circumstances, so having it is better than not having it, as long as I don't expect it to solve all of my problems. That frees my mind up in a lot of interesting ways. I can welcome that money without thinking that it's going to make my problems go away. Or my insecurities. Or my anxiety. The money is going to come regardless, so I have to get right within myself so that I don't make a mess of things.

My intention is openness.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is curiosity.
My intention is excitement.
My intention is to move forward.

I am grateful for every experience leading up to this one.
I am grateful for expanding my own social circle and outreach.
I am grateful that the reading went well on Saturday. 
I am grateful that people see me as a director.
I am grateful that people see me as a writer.
I am grateful that I did my friend proud.
I am grateful that I am living the life I have been intending to live.

The Simple Act of Telling One's Story...

...is the longest journey.

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly vulnerable. This was a shock to me after having a week where I felt empowered. This is a common experience for me. The feeling of invincibility followed by the vulnerability of being exposed. Friends would probably say to me, "Duh. That's what it is to be an artist. Aren't you used to that by now?"

No. I'm not.

And it feels like it's getting worse. The more vulnerable and exposed I get the harder it is to get it up to do the work. Is it supposed to work that way? Shouldn't I be energized and fortified by my journey to my truth? I don't know. I guess it takes more out of me. I guess that's why works of genius don't appear by the same artist year after year after year. That's why people take breaks.

But in this consumer culture - with more product necessary to feed the beast who's never full - that pressure to create and create and create grows more oppressive. I sound like I'm complaining. But I'm mostly grateful for that opportunity to create and grow. But sometimes it's a lot. Last month, I wrote a spec script of a show already on the air - something no one does anymore, according to "common knowledge." That's why I felt I had to do it. I wanted to write an episode of a show that I love. That was the challenge. And I knew I could write it quickly. I needed to write something quickly. So I sent it off to one of the writing fellowships run by the studios. Again, something I've been told I shouldn't have to do because I've already been staffed on a show for two years. I'm coming right off that show. It's not like I haven't worked in five years. I haven't worked in a month or two. But it's the exercise of continuing to create energy around myself. It's a strategic action. I'm turning in a rewrite of a script that I've been working on for awhile to my manager by this weekend (hopefully) - so with the one-two punch of the spec and the spec pilot, I will make an impact.

I already have two ideas for two new pilots - one half hour and one hour long. That's going to be the rest of my summer before I go back and teach in the Fall. I'm trying to get my next staff job. It feels like I'm constantly jumping through hoops. I got off this hamster wheel several years ago and now I find myself right back in the middle of it. Now, I'm on this hamster wheel as someone who has staffed. As someone who now runs a theatre company. As someone who people see as a writer and not someone's lackey. That's a huge step forward. And I have to remind myself of that constantly when I get down on myself.

It's like I make it to the next level of Super Mario Brothers and I feel like I'm starting over again. It doesn't matter that I'm at Level 47, I act as if I'm at Level 1. Now clearly there is something wrong with that way of thinking. That logic comes from the way I was raised. If you keep pushing and keep pushing, you're not going to slow down. You should never feel like you're done. And that's good training for life - you can't ever feel like you've made it. You've got to keep going. But also that way of thinking is soul crushing and exhausting. That way of thinking demands a certain sociopathic mentality - you ignore feelings to achieve. But I also think that's the business I've entered. Somehow my upbringing has perfectly prepared me for this business because I should be an unfeeling automaton who just is an achievement machine.

The kink in that plan is that I'm an emotional being. My writing has only gotten more emotional and more personal as I've gotten older. And it has taken its toll. I have become less social in a lot of ways. I need a lot more time to warm up the car that I used to. Now I think the work is better than it has ever been. But it is more of a struggle. That's not a reason to stop. But I think I need to find a way to be more efficient.

The big struggle currently - in addition to the writing - is that I've got a play I'm trying to produce with my theatre company. It's my most personal play to date. It's hugely exposing. It's doing the thing I've always been afraid to do. That entire play is me. And now I'm looking at spaces to produce it. I'm having to be non-compromising. It's all I'm thinking about when I need to be working on submissions and writing and teaching. But I can't put minimal effort into this. I have to put all of myself into it. I put all of myself into the writing of it. And it's a brilliant play. I can say that because I don't think the brilliance comes from me - it comes through me. It's a play that deserves a lot of attention. Does that mean I deserve a lot of attention? Well, as a person who loves attention, that's a dangerous tango to dance. Since the play is all me, it's hard to separate the work from the person.

And I've been having a lot of art versus commerce thoughts lately. I made this move to apply to the fellowships strictly as a business move. It's a career advancement move - it's a moving up to the next rung on the ladder situation. It's not an art move. The art move is working on this play. And the next two moves are career moves too - I'm writing pieces that are going to get me jobs. I'm looking at it as a different type of writing than the personal writing I do. I see a lot of people working consistently and I want that to be me. There are a lot of opportunities out there - more than ever, they tell us on Deadline. So why can't some of those be mine?

Today's a day where the push is hard. I have to remember that in this time in our nation's history, I have to push. I can't stop. I can't be thrown out by my own worries. Working anywhere in this business as a writer means my voice is accounted for. I have to be in the room, my Latinx brothers and sisters and my gay brothers and sisters and my Asian brothers and sisters have to be in the room. We need strength by numbers. We have to be accounted for in the statistics - we need to grow those numbers. So we need to be everywhere - kids shows, web shows, cable, network, streaming. We'd all love to work in prestige rooms, but the important thing is that we're working. That we're making that money - that we're using our rising influence to say the things that are important. We need to take that white privilege and turn it into brown, queer privilege. And then we need to be okay with continuing to share the wealth. We can't just hoard that power.

We can tell our stories by telling all stories. It's got to be a back and forth. That's why it's important that I tell my most direct story as well as the story of Dev in Master of None or the characters in my pilots. Or the characters on the show I've been working on for the past two years. Because I still exist in all of those stories - the empathy that makes up my character as a person lives in these fictional characters and expands empathy.

Okay, I feel at least a little bit better now. Onward...

My intention is expansion.
My intention is empathy.
My intention is to do as much as I can.
My intention is to expand my circle.

I am grateful for a college friend who has a space that maybe we can use for our play.
I am grateful for a grad school friend who hired me.
I am grateful for my theatre company that continues to push me.
I am grateful for people who are fans of my work.
I am grateful to have a community of people I respect.
I am grateful for the struggle and the ability to overcome the struggle.

Hard to Believe

Last night, I was out an an event for a theatre company I worked with in New York that is expanding its presence here in LA.

I saw a bunch of people, but I also caught up with an old boss of mine. We talked about what I'm up to and what he's up to - his clients are behind six pilots this year that are waiting for pick ups. I just finished up year two on my show as a Co-Producer this year. He looked at me, proud. I said that this is what I've been wanting to do for so long. I also help run a theatre company. And I teach. I'm hitting every area I've wanted to be involved in.

Seven years ago I was working for him. And I had worked there for seven years. I wanted to do this for so long and sometimes I forget to be grateful. I get caught up in everything I have to do and all the demands I feel are made on me. About six years ago this June I got off the hamster wheel of the business. I was tired of running on the treadmill of trying to make it with little success. It led me down a path of falling back in love with writing and having success with this version of myself. And in order to do that, I had to get back on the treadmill. It's different this time around because I understand my value in a way I didn't previously. I'm presenting a version of myself that's more truthful and therefore more vulnerable.

But to get there a lot of things had to happen over several years. Five years ago, my Dad died. That changed my priorities completely. It also opened me up to the idea that life could be whatever I decided to make it. It also unlocked a fierceness in me that I hadn't allowed to be present before. I could be a motherfucker - and I kind of liked it. My father would say that prepared me for a life in this business. He would be happy that I've got a dickish side to me for sure. It means that no one fucks with me. Four years ago, I stopped going to weekly therapy. I was still dealing with my grief. I decided that I would take my grief on and deal with it head on. Fortunately, I was on unemployment and managed to stretch the finances a bit. Three years ago, I decided to make room for writing on a serious level. I both decided to become more of a professional and at the same time opened myself up to the possibility that writing would just be something I loved to do and that's all it had to be. During my Dad's illness it became a means of survival. And if that's all it was, that would be fine. I would find another way to make money. I had an office for about six months. I started subbing for a friend of mine at San Diego State. I also seriously started meditating. I wrote five scripts that year. Two years ago, I spent time working on a new play and would constantly say to friends, "I don't care if this thing gets produced." I spent eight months working on it. I made no money that year. I decided I needed to mix things up and applied to all sorts of jobs. I was trying to get teaching gigs, but couldn't get arrested. I almost got a job in Portland as a literary manager at a theatre. I was ready to leave LA for new adventures. I was committed to finding work. But nothing was happening, so I kept working on the play. That play was fantastic and would end up getting me my first TV job the following year. It opened up a lot of doors. It also helped me grow as a writer.

Last year, I got my first TV job. I wrote another play that broke me open as a human being, about the year spent with my Dad while he was dying. I was asked to join a theatre company. It was a big year of transition. I broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. I found out he started dating someone a month after we broke up. Last year was such a banner year and so many things happened that were unexpected. I also joined the WGA last year. I wrote two episodes of our show, which became three episodes of our show after our finale, which I wrote, became two episodes. I got single credit for all three of those episodes.

So when I say I can't believe that I'm here, it's true. But I have to break it down like I just did to experience the gratitude that comes with knowing I've accomplished so much in the past seven years. I decided to live my truth. I decided to live by my own rules and it took me a long road to get there. But I am grateful for every year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second of that journey. I'm truly grateful for all of it because each moment is etched in my DNA. I have to remember the road because it makes me appreciate everything happening now. When I was on the hamster wheel before, I didn't know how good I had it. I had never lived a life where I could appreciate my accomplishments.

I remember finding a certificate years ago when we were going through my Dad's things. The certificate acknowledged that I had been in the top 1% of all applicants to my high school that year as an eighth grader. I was in the 99th percentile of everyone who had applied that year. I remember finding that and wondering why I had lived my life up to that point as the bottom one percent versus the top one percent. I wanted to be that person. That was a goal.

And now I live that. I sometimes forget. But I mainly try to live as that person. I am a fucking Co-Producer on a TV show and if I don't appreciate it, how can I expect anyone else to? I'm a baller, a shot caller. Actually, I'm a freeballer. I'm  reminded of that whenever I meet with my students. I had a student last year ask me, "How does it feel?" How does what feel, I asked him back. "How does it feel to be doing the thing you set out to do. How does that feel?"

I was blown away by the question. I was humbled that he saw me that way. And then I realized he was right. I did do the things I set out to do. I continue to do the things I set out to do. I will get the next job and the next one after that and I will relish those experiences - both good and bad.  When I meet people, they're impressed. And that's okay. Sometimes I'll wish I was further along or I'll down play an accomplishment and then someone will say to me, "I wish I was where you are."

It shouldn't be hard to believe. It should be hard not to lose it with gratitude. It should be hard not to burst into tears. And sometimes I do that too.

Last year, at the reading of my Dad play, I was receiving a round of applause. I was embarrassed, as I usually am. And then a friend of mine gave me a thumbs up, like they were saying, "You did it." I LOST IT. I burst into tears for two minutes and I couldn't stop. I wrote something that meant something to people. I also became the person capable of writing that play. I put everything into it and when I was done, I cried uncontrollably. It was really overwhelming. In that moment, I was living like that one percenter. I was so grateful I had stopped being afraid.

And that's sometimes hard to believe. That I let go of that fear. But I did and now it's time to move on and do the next great thing.

My intention is to feel.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to be okay.
My intention is to smile through it.

I am grateful for the two years I've been on our show.
I am grateful that people listen to me.
I am grateful to be a leader among friends.
I am grateful to be loved.
I am grateful that my life is the life of my choosing.

Back, back, forth and forth

It's Spring and I still feel like hibernating.

As I'm getting older, I'm embracing the writer/loner/curmudgeon in me. I have to be a social butterfly on set. But the more I have to show up in my life, the more I need time to not show up. I need my alone time now more than ever. I often wonder if that feeling will ever plateau. Because being alone and spending time up in Portland doing nothing but reading books and hanging out with my niece and nephews is sounding more and more attractive - as long as I have an endless supply of money to live on.

(smiles)

Isn't that always the catch? I work because I have to and because I love to. I would be a mess if I wasn't a creative collaborator. I love hanging with my actors on set. I love flirting with the PAs and complaining about eating too many cookies and chips in the afternoon. I really do love it. I love having my headphones on set and chatting with my director about certain shots. I really love production. It's lonely to be a writer and have to force yourself to get shit done.

Yet...I love being by myself. I need to recharge. On Saturday, all I wanted to do was sleep in (7:45 AM is sleeping in for me - that's sad). I didn't do any work but I went to a party, to dinner and then to see a show with friends. On Sunday, I went to a Korean Spa and worked on some revisions for my pilot I've been revising for forever. And now I'm at a different K Spa waiting for my lunch and working on the same project.

I need to plan my next trip. I went to Vancouver last month, but any relaxation I felt from that was quickly swallowed up by having to head back to work for an emergency week and a half in the writers room. But that trip was pretty glorious. I explored a city I didn't know very well. I had lunch by myself while my best friend was at work. I hung out on her set while she was working. It was a pretty great trip.

The guild might be heading toward a strike and a big part of me is excited about a break, if that happens. I'm still teaching, which is both providing me with a steady income and preventing me from getting rest or having downtime. But I have to remember that I HATE downtime. I'm much better complaining about having too much than having too little to do. I'd love to go straight to work after the semester is done at school. I'd also love to have the strike to get some stuff done and to get on a show in the summer.

I'm so indecisive when it comes to what I want to do next. I could take a break and go see my brother and his family in Portland. I could also go up to SF and catch up with friends. I have these fantasies about going to SF for an extended period of time and seeing shows in Berkeley and the city and going to see friends in Santa Clara. Having great dinners over with pals. I have these intense fantasies of a leisurely writers life - with a trust fund.

The psychic told me almost a year ago that I would be busier than I thought possible. And at some point I'd take a break and be financially stable enough to do that. The truth is, I love the action. This is what I've wanted my whole career - to have a lot of balls in the air. I can't complain because I've got too much to do. But it was great to just have a Saturday to see friends and to hang out. But it's great to have the whole day on set and to feel like my presence matters. It's also great to have the freedom to head to the K Spa on a Monday and work before I have to head to a meeting for my theatre company.

I shouldn't complain. So I won't.

My intention is grace.
My intention is gratitude.
My intention is to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is patience.

I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for the day to work on my pilot.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for things to look forward to.
I am grateful for income.

Centering Myself

With so much going on, it's easy to get pulled off my axis.

Here's a list of things going on these days:

• Teaching two classes once a week.
• Production on Season Three of our show.
• Getting ready for staffing season and meetings.
• Revising scripts for staffing season.

At times, it feels like it's all a bit too much. When I'm not at work, I'm trying to catch up on my sleep. But when I'm sleeping, I'm aware that I could be doing other productive work things. I've got some meetings this week I need to prepare for - by watching many, many hours of TV. I'm supposed to be grading as well. And I've been sitting on set for my episode since Wednesday. It feels like too much, so of course my reaction has been to retreat. Typical.

I have been catching up on sleep, which is important. And I went to a get together yesterday and a play with friends last night. Plus dinner before and drinks after. It was a social day. But I also have to see friends. I can't just ignore my friendships. Plus, those friendships are with writers whose conversations always inspire and motivate me. These are people doing the exact thing I'm doing and we need to talk to get ideas out.

Having a few centering hours each morning feels both indulgent and necessary. I can't really function if all I'm doing is being social. And I forget that being on set and having to be "on" is about giving away energy. That has its own value for sure. Being a presence on set and participating in the production process is amazing. But I also then have little energy for other stuff. I know people who push and push and push themselves and give themselves heart attacks or the flu. I'm not that guy. I won't sacrifice my health. But that means I've then got less time to get a shit ton of stuff done.

All of that worrying I stopped doing a few years ago made room for me to get more done, but now that I'm in this rhythm, I've filled that space with even more pertinent stuff.

Which is why centering becomes important again. It's like a trash compactor making even more room where I thought there was none left. I have to remember that the time I take for myself in the morning at the gym and the drive to work and the drive home and the time it takes me to get up in the morning are all helpful parts of the process. Rest is just as important as action and drive. I slept about eight hours last night. I survive on 5.5-6 during the week. And none of that sleep is restful because I have the anxiety of production weighing on my brain. 

Here's the tradeoff - when I work I'm making money but eating like shit and not sleeping well. When I'm "off" I'm controlling my diet and sleeping, but I don't have any cash flow. I have to remember the lesson of all of those years of underemployment - take advantage of the resources you do have. If you don't have money, but you've got tons of time - use that time to get shit done. If you've got money, but little time for other stuff - spend all of your time at work and get everything you can from it and gift yourself in little ways, like going to the K Spa and getting massages. Be a little more social because so much of your time is spent working.

That perspective does come from meditation and from introspection. But I am feeling out of sorts a bit. I'm not freaking out. But I'm feeling like it's hard to focus on everything at once. Well, that makes sense. You can't possibly focus on EVERYTHING at once. So today, I'm working on my pilot I've been working on for awhile and focusing it. I can accomplish that in a day. 

Tomorrow, I will work on the comedy pilots I have to revise. 

Tuesday, I will be back at work, so I'll watch some shows when I've got down time between shots. I will also watch those shows when I'm too tired to do anything else - instead of watching my favorite You Tube videos. Tuesday's a light production day for my stuff, so I'm going to not do as much.

Wednesday - I'll be at work, but I'll have to get my grading done.

Thursday - I need to get grading done before I have to teach.  I'll spend the night in SD and sleep.

Friday - Day of Rest. I also need to start this new pilot and do some grading. Production will be done for me. I'll come back the last week of shooting to hang out. But other than that, I won't have any thing else to do with production.

Yes, that looks like a lot. And it will make the week go by fast and keep me busy. But it's what I have to do. Fortunately, I will be spending my days not at work at the Korean Spa getting this stuff done. I will treat myself. And we'll see what fruits emerge from me working from a place of being centered.

My intention is love.

My intention is openness.

My intention is trust.

My intention is to surrender.

I am grateful for great dinner conversations.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for production.

I am grateful for good collaborators.

Working for a Living

My outgoing voicemail message on my cell phone says that I'm "busy, busy, busy." 

I recorded this - years before I was actually "busy, busy, busy." My friend tease me about it all of the time. My friends who mediate would say that I manifested my schedule. The rest of the people I know would say that I was full of shit and at a certain point it just happened. Neither group is particularly wrong. I was actually busy. I was writing a lot before I actually got paid to do it.

When I was in grief counseling, I complained to my counselor that I wasn't really a working writer because I hadn't get gotten a paycheck for writing. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yes you are a working writer. You write full time. You just don't get paid yet."

A common conversation among writers is either about the next job or the first job. We're obsessed with what is to come. And I suppose we should be - that's what gets us up in the morning to write. Right? 

For a long time, I didn't get up in the morning to write. I got up in the morning to go to my day job as an assistant to a successful TV literary manager. I worked 10-12 hours a day, answering phones, reading scripts and generally feeling pretty productive. But none of that productivity was geared towards anything I really wanted to be doing. I was helping out my boss or the other managers in the office. I was an amazing assistant - kind, thoughtful, helpful, attentive and smart. I say smart last because I felt like that was the thing that mattered the least. It was a given that I would be smart, but not essential. I just needed to do my job with a smile. It was a good job for about three years. Then it was a bad job for the other four years I stayed on. I don't think I wasted any time being there - I did for several years after I left the company. But now that I'm writing on a show and co-running a theatre company and juggling my own projects, I see that it was an extended course in multitasking and splitting my focus. It taught me a lot - of what I don't want. And I learned that lesson repeatedly for a long time.

Once I started working for bosses who appreciated me, I understood my value and worth. It was that job that showed me that I had a lot to offer as a producer. And thankfully, that wonderful job only lasted six months. Lots of life happened in between and I started teaching about three months after that job ended. And that only lasted three months. Then I was on my own again, collecting unemployment and writing a lot. I kept at it - despite needing to work other jobs. I stayed afloat somehow. The Universe didn't present a lot of opportunities to work day jobs. I had put my time in. It kept giving me free time and I kept using that free time. 

Eventually, I realized that I don't love free time either. So I started writing a lot more. And now I wake up in the morning to work out, then have breakfast, then write, then send business emails, then have lunch, then do some more work or run errands. On the days I'm in the writers room, I'm up at 5 AM then I drive to the gym closest to my office and I work out. Then I have breakfast and get to the office early to get work done. Then I spend 8 hours pitching ideas and feeling my brains ooze out the side of my face. I drive home in traffic - or I wait it out - and I tire out on the drive home and watch You Tube videos before going to bed. When I'm teaching, I either start my morning in LA and then drive down to San Diego around 11 AM or I drive down at 5:30 AM (which I'm doing tomorrow) and I go work from my office. I grab lunch on campus and I have office hours before teaching back to back classes.

So now I actually am "busy, busy, busy." I keep a strict schedule - strict-ish. I like routine. I didn't always. I used to HATE routine. I used to think it inhibited my creativity. I used to also think outlines hindered my creativity. Now I love them - for TV and screenplays. I love order as much as I love the disorder. I think I spent a lot of my formative years in disorder as a desperate cry for help in trying to find order. I was incredibly unfocused as a kid in a lot of ways. Where I was focused was on TV and on my comic books. I was also a good student. But I didn't care about it much. I knew I was smart. I didn't feel like I needed to be the smartest guy in class. I settled for #2 or #3. I'm probably being very generous with myself.

I felt myself propelled towards things I LOVED. I loved words and images. I loved to be entertained. I knew from a very young age that I would be working in Hollywood somewhere. Even as a kid, I knew that I wanted to choose the stories that would show up on TV. I didn't know how that would manifest itself.  But I was a young kid and I'd record TV show theme songs. I was fascinated. Eventually, I would go into theatre because I also loved the expression of pure creativity. I loved dance and theatre. I loved things that existed in real time. 

Somehow all of that got me to this moment. I'm at a Peet's Coffee in Larchmont Villlage on my new MacBook Pro waiting to drive downtown to go to see FUN HOME with my friends at the Ahmanson.  For so long, I wanted to be surrounded by the same smart people I was around in college and graduate school. I moved to LA and got involved in the business. I networked. I schmoozed. I did all the things I thought I had to do to be successful. What I didn't do was write enough. I still thought that my charm was enough. Eventually I realized that hard work was everything. 

I'm living a life that I'm pretty psyched about. I have great colleagues. I have peers who inspire me and push me. I knew quite a few writers who are better than me. And that makes me better. I also get to write for a living. I'm in awe. By my colleagues who are smarter than me in the room. By my showrunner. By my friends in my theatre company who have a deeper, greater vision than I do. I'm constantly amazed by all of this greatness around me. I don't feel like I'm the best. I know I'm pretty damn good. But I don't look around and feel like I'm better than everyone around me. That would scare me. I need to be inspired and challenged. I don't need to be the best. I just need to be better than yesterday. And that could be spiritually, emotionally, physically as well as a better writer. I'm happy to be more thoughtful and enlightened than the day before. That's enough. And that's plenty.

My intention is growth.

My intention is to shine.

My intention is to smile.

My intention is to speak up.

My intention is to ask.

My intention is to wonder.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for this beautiful machine.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for my schedule.

I am grateful for the work.

In My Own Voice

I had dinner last week with my fellow writers on our last day in the writers room.

My friend Gina and I sat next to each other in this darkly lit, romantic restaurant in Woodland Hills. We've been friends for over ten years and Gina has seen my work evolve. We worked on a ten minute play festival together that we produced with other NYU alumni writers. We've been good friends for a long time and Gina has always been supportive. She has come to various play readings of mine and came to one over the summer of the play I wrote that I basically feel has changed the way I write.

As we've sitting over dinner and everyone else is talking, Gina leans over and says, "You know, I have to tell you again how great that play is." I nodded politely and thanked her. "I don't think we've ever talked about it. Is [my manager] sending it out?"

I told her that he wasn't - we actually share the same manager. Then she proceeded to tell me something really beautiful and humbling. She said that the play was something special. That she knew my work and that my other work was good, but this was ME. I listened to her compliments, which were so kind, and I just nodded with the occasional thank you. I told her that I had been afraid to write in that voice because I felt like it was too much. She looked me right in the eye.

"You should always write in that voice. That's your voice."

I have been writing since I was in the seventh grade. Miss Russell would have us write short stories and all of my stories were about comic book heroes because all I did was watch TV and read comic books. Then in high school I stopped reading comic books and I started writing little short stories or novellas. I wrote something that was 120 pages once - at my little computer in the corner during one summer. I think it was about the boy across the street that I had a crush on. In college, I wrote more fiction and eventually started writing plays.

I couldn't stop writing. I had a lifetime's worth - at that point, 20 years - of things to say. I never thought it was bad, but I knew my writing wasn't as good as it could be. I thought that about my writing for years. I had emotion that I couldn't tap into. I didn't know if I ever would tap into it. I was writing characters who were supposed to be far more mature than I. But nothing stopped me. I wanted to be that person I saw myself becoming one day.

Eventually, I got to graduate school. And then I got out here to LA to try and write in TV. I had developed a personality, but my writing didn't have that distinction. Yet I was still obsessed to become a better writer. And through writing I became better. I became a skilled technician as a writer. And with some luck, I would have had a career as that writer. I am of mixed race - someone should have hired me back then. I should have had a career earlier purely because I checked a lot of boxes - I could have been a very rich quota filler.

Year after year, I would get angrier and more frustrated that something wasn't happening. I would hear bosses and people I respected say to me, "You're doing all of the right things." Yet, it never felt that way. The one thing that kept me going was that I could feel myself getting better. I knew that in script after script, I was getting better. And for the record, I had some excellent spec scripts for shows like The Office, 30 Rock and Modern Family. I stand by the proficiency of all of those specs. I also had about 10 others that were at various levels of good. Any of these scripts could or should have gotten me a job at that point, I thought. I just was tired of waiting.

But something gnawed at the back of my brain. I had no voice. I was funny in person. I was weird. I was attractive and liked to socialize. I had stopped being shy and awkward and became someone who could fake being cool - or at least, cool enough. At that point, I was even living a Hollywood life - by hitching my wagon to a guy to whom that was of paramount importance. So I made it important to me. But I did nothing to find this voice. I found a lot of noise to distract and to drown out any silence so it wouldn't be obvious that I had no voice in my writing. And at that time, I literally had no voice in my relationship. I was living someone else's dream of how to live.

We broke up. My Dad got sick. (I'm fast-tracking this because a lot of this stuff I've covered throughout the history of this blog.) I didn't know if I wanted to be a writer any more. It felt stupid. It felt indulgent and selfish. And I wasn't successful at it. But late at night I wrote anyway. Dad had bad days and I had to hold a lot of my own pain and suffering in. I had to be his caretaker. So at night, I would write - waiting for him to wake up and need something. I wrote things that had no real consequence. I wrote to keep from going crazy - it didn't matter to my what I was writing. I needed something to distract me. Then I found my way into another relationship - this time with someone much nicer, but also someone who needed me to be something I wasn't. I still hadn't gotten over that.

Dad died. I took a year to do nothing but go to therapy once a week. I didn't work. I lived off of unemployment for much longer than I needed to. But it was there and I kept getting extensions and I thought, "Why the fuck not?" I decided to take time for me. And I did a lot of soul searching during that time. I still hadn't found my voice yet. Not even the direct aftermath of my Dad's death would do that. But I had started writing about death in my work - I never had a character die or dealt with death anywhere in my plays or spec TV pilots. The good thing was that I spent a lot of time writing and getting better at writing these pilots. I got involved with my writers group to run writing challenges and to encourage my fellow writers to write pilots. I had worked in a development job for seven years where I got to see first hand what it was like to create some of the most influential TV shows of the past decade. I knew things. And I needed a community. So I took advantage and made myself available. I had a lot of friends tell me I should become an executive or a manager. But I felt too old for that, even years ago. And I was stubborn. I was going to write. I realized that even though nothing was more important than taking care of my Dad when he was sick, that I had to write. And I wasn't going to let a fickle TV industry tell me who I was or should be as a writer. I stopped chasing the dragon. I wrote without getting paid. In the two year period when I decided that I was going to make time to write no matter what, I wrote eight scripts and 3000 pages. I didn't care whether or not I was going to be called a writer by other people. I was writing.

Two years ago - in the second year of that two year period - I proposed a play to a theatre company that was going to develop five new plays with writers. I had seen a news report the year earlier about active shooter drills and I wanted to write an epic eight character play about it. And I did. And it had all of the characteristics of plays I had written before. It had humor. It had a crafty structure. It was smart. But if I'm being honest, it didn't have that specific voice. I love that play. I owe my TV career to that play. People like that play. I am so grateful for that play.

People did really like the play. And I had a friend tell me this was my "silver bullet play." It's her theory that there's that piece of material that "hits it out of the ballpark (a phrase that I hate, but not hers)." It's this idea that you've got the play that cuts through it all. It was the best thing I had written up to that point. It's a great play for a number of reasons. And in the middle of writing that play, I had two friends ask me when I was going to write about my Dad and when I was going to write a play in the voice that's how I talk to them - full of vulgarities and no fucks. I flippantly said they were the same play.

And they were.

Because so many people told me that the shooter play was going to be my silver bullet, I started writing this other play. The shooter play had a great reading - so wonderful and fulfilling. But I couldn't listen to more complements. They were starting to raise my expectations and I knew that was dangerous for me. So I started on this other thing. I brought in the first 19 pages to my writers group and the head of the group flipped over it. "Keep writing. This is fucking amazing." My stomach had been turning at the thought of hearing it out loud because I had never written like this before. I finished the play three months later.

Long story only slightly shorter: He read it. He loved it. The company committed to a workshop. Then they asked me to join the company. Then we did a workshop five months later and that's the reading Gina saw.

That was my voice. 

It was me. I couldn't hide. I was vulgar and talking about my sex life and my dad's death. I was bare. And it was the play that made me see myself differently. I often say that my dad's death broke me open. Well, this play broke me open as a writer. I am different now.

And my friend Gina telling me that I was a good writer before, but that this was another level, really made me feel thankful for the entirely of my journey. This writer gets to experience the joy of writing this play. If I had the other things happen - purely out of luck, because I was no where near the writer I am now - then maybe I wouldn't be here for this. This is the guy I was trying to be. And now I don't know the person I'll be beyond this guy. But if life has taught me anything in the past five years, it's to  shout out to the Universe at the top of my lungs:

Surprise me.

I've learned to LOVE surprises.

My intention is to not know.
My intention is openness.
My intention is wonder.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is adventure.

I am grateful for the years nothing happened.
I am grateful for the more than 20 scripts I have written.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for patience.
I am grateful for my stubbornness.
I am grateful for my joy.
I am grateful that I am the person who wrote that play.

My New MacBook Pro

My old computer had it.

It was tired of having to be the recipient of all of my creative ideas. Some of the best stuff I've written was written on that guy. I had inherited this computer from my brother and sister-in-law a few years ago when my computer wasn't working and they had this old MacBook that they had spilled water on years before, but only revived when a free replacement keyboard was offered. Then the computer came back to life, but they didn't need it anymore, so they gave it to me.

And it was a godsend. I liked that it was a Mac. I liked that it didn't have a broken keyboard, like mine, which required that i bring a huge keyboard with me wherever I went to write. It got the job done for sure, but I needed something that could be more mobile. Then I got this beautiful white MacBook and brought it with me to coffee shops, libraries, the office I had for a short time. Last year, I had been thinking about getting a new computer. It was probably time. I wanted something of my own. But my brother convinced me to wait - this computer still worked and there would be more advances made with MacBooks in the years to come. Wait until it was worth it - like two or three years, he said.

Then the computer just took longer and longer to work. I kept getting the "pinwheel." Then the magnet on the charger started being fickle and it was hard to charge the computer. I knew old whitey was on her way out. Then the new MacBook Pro came out with the touch pad. I had thought about the MacBook that came out last year, but it looked slight and it was basically a new version of the Air.

Finally, last weekend I went to the Apple Store and thought, "It's time. I have the money. I need it and I'm going to do it." So I did. And I set the computer up this past week. I did the data migration myself and waited five hours while my files transferred to the new computer. Then I opened it and now it's sitting on my lap. It's three pounds. It's Space Grey. It looks great. And now I look like the cool dude when I'm somewhere on the computer.

But that's not why this computer's terrific. It's terrific because it's the first computer I bought for myself as a professional writer. Writing bought this computer. And I'm ready to do more writing on it. I have said that 2016 broke me open as a writer, though the work I've done in the writer's room and on my play. I feel different as a writer now. And I'll be writing my next projects on this new computer. It's appropriate that this different writer is working on a different laptop. I've got this cool new case for it that looks like an envelope. I've stepped up my game professionally and this computer is evidence of that.

Why does all of that matter? Is this just me being in love with looking cool with the new MacBook Pro?

The truth is that I can find a way to get work done. In college, I didn't even have a computer and did all of my work in the computer lab. I wrote plays in the computer lab because I had to. I will find a way to get work done, no matter what. But this new guy makes my life a hell of a lot easier. It's faster. I can do some simple editing on it. And I can finally have my Netflix and HBO Go on here, which I didn't have before. I had everything on my phone.

I feel like I can move faster with this new machine. I'm pretty excited about it. It's the computer I deserve for the work I have been doing. I'm starting to get that.

My intention is to work.
My intention is to expand.
My intention is to keep going.

I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for my friends for their patience and feedback. 
I'm grateful for some time to rest and catch up.

Another Room Closed

I'm done with my second writer's room. I've been in two writer's rooms in the past year. And now the second one is done. I now face the thing I always face when I'm done with something.

What now?

Well, yesterday I set up my new computer, which I'm typing on now. It feels pretty great to be writing on, too. I finished the writer's room on my old computer and the next day I got this one. I waited a few days to put it together. I had a birthday - this was my present to myself. A pretty good present. This is the computer bought with my writing money.

I have a hunger I didn't have before. I think for so long I wanted to be a good writer. I started writing in seventh grade and just wanted to be good at something. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. Eventually, that got me places in my life. I wrote in college and I got to grad school, where I was very bad. For a long time, I was the eternal student. Trying to learn how to do it. Then I got good at it. Then it wasn't all that interesting because I was writing in order to get hired. I was in the constant state of proving myself.

Then life stopped and I had a period of several years where I wrote because I had to. My Dad got sick. I wrote when he was sleeping. Writing was survival. Then that period of time was over. I probably took about six weeks off writing after my Dad died. But then it became survival again. I had stopped writing to get on some TV show or something. I wrote because I had to. I wrote because I would die if I didn't.

Then three years ago, I started writing a lot more. I wrote 1000 pages that year, which I thought was a lot. Then the next year I wrote 2000 pages. Around that time, I was so in love with writing that I decided that even if I didn't work professionally, it would be okay. I wrote a play that I knew was good - even if no one thought it was. I knew I had done something. I had accomplished something. And it took a lot out of me. I ignored my relationship in order to write this play. I'm an obsessive person and I learned that year that I was okay with that. I lost a boyfriend, but got something better - a new play. I can say that I made the right choice because we're becoming friends again. But focusing on trying to be the perfect boyfriend took too much energy.

Then last year, I got my first professional writing gig. I started my writers room as I was finishing the play that would become my favorite play I've ever written. Finally, my ability and my heart met up.

So what does this all mean?

I leave this writer's room with renewed confidence I didn't have before. My friend Jen and I had drinks a couple of weeks ago. I walked in to the bar and she looked at me, "What have you been doing to look so sexy and confident?" I told her that I had to wake up at 5 AM every morning so that I could avoid traffic. I got to the gym by 6:15 and started working out. So because I've been working out five days a week for the past six weeks,  I think I look better - and therefore, I'm more confident. But what I didn't mention or realize was that I was better in the room this year. I had gotten over my shyness. I was now a Co-Producer, so a leader in some way.  I had gotten better at pitching ideas in the room. Also, I had spent the three months before the room started teaching - and that boosted my confidence. I'm about to go back to teaching on Thursday - I wonder how I will have changed as a teacher?

I walked into that bar with a swagger because I'm more in my own skin than I have ever been. Yeah, I'm more muscley. But I'm owning who I am. And that feels transcendent. That hasn't really happened to such a degree before.

I'm looking forward to what THAT writer writes next - to what that writer produces. I want to be that writer. That's the goal. To be the writer I'm meant to be. Sounds like an ad for Diane von Furstenberg. As I leave this writers room, I know that I have become a better writer/producer/professor/ professional. I'm better because of these gigs. And each job helps me be better at the next one.

I find that I'm not in such a hurry anymore. I don't know if that's a result of age or experience. But I'm not so worried that I'm not going to get it. I now know that time is a factor. I have to settle into this person in order to see what this person does. Better writing will come as a result of letting this person show himself. Of course, I need to keep the machine moving. I still have to spend every morning at the metaphorical ballet barre, practicing my form and technique. I still have to do my rudiments. I still have to read and research and watch things. But the growth will come just as much out of a result of life progressing while I'm doing all of these things. I guess they work in tandem.

My intention is wonder.
My intention is delight.
My intention is growth.
My intention is progression.

I am grateful for this new MacBook Pro.
I am grateful for the work that went into its purchase.
I am grateful for the money that paid for it.
I am grateful for the future work that will be created on it.
I am grateful for the professionalism I feel because of it.

Procrastination in Real Time

I'm at the West Hollywood Library surrounded by people trying to get work done. Computers are out, notes are out, people are looking at their phones…researching, I'm assuming.

I have two things I should be working on. I really should be working on my episode rewrite. I have all of my notes. I have a lot to do. And yet, it's the last thing I want to do right now. 

I also have a pilot I rewrote and could be doing some work on as well. I took some notes on it this weekend. I'm heading to a WGA event tonight where I will be letting people know I have a new sample. And yet, I'm staring down the script with all of my notes on it.

I have student papers to grade, too. 

It's a gloomy, foggy, overcast shitty day in LA. It's the PERFECT day to get work done. Any work done. I'm out of my office today to work on the episode rewrite. I have five hours until this event at the WGA. I should be doing more. 

I worked out today. Really hard. My body feels sore. 

I need to work out my brain really hard. My mind should feel sore.

And yet, here I am, as I often am wondering where my motivation has gone. I can blame my muscles - I can really feel them right now. I can blame the fact that I lost my headphones and haven't gotten new ones yet, so I can drown out the sound around me. But none of that is the source of my procrastination. 

Resistance is standing over my shoulder right now. I can feel it breathing down my neck. And it's winning. I'm hungry. I should go downstairs and eat. I should do more than I'm doing now, that's for sure. 

I even took five minutes to look at my phone, resisting writing this blog. That's how crazy it is right now. 

I sent an email to my writer's group about submissions being due tomorrow.

I am still hungry. I probably will go eat.

I have carne asada and a cabbage slaw.

Trying not to have to buy dinner - there's a small meal provided at the WGA event later. I'm being frugal. I'm done with work in a week and only have two weeks worth of checks and two script payments left. I'm not in the poor house. But I'm trying to be conservative in my spending.

I realized that I'm going to a WGA event every night this week, except for Friday. That means I've got dinner covered every night this week. And on Friday, the writers in my room are being taken out to dinner. How much am I loving that? A lot.

I just checked Facebook and found out that my friend Tracee is in Rome and I sent a gelateria recommendation. I want to go back to Italy. I also want to go to Spain, my friend Tony is going there this summer and I'm tempted to meet him there. But I also want to be working on a TV show by this summer. Oh, Jesus. So much to do and want.

I've been here at the library for almost an hour and haven't done any work yet. Okay.  I'm going to go have lunch.

And THEN -

My intention is to work.

My intention is to stay awake.

My intention is to keep focused - and not on the cute guy across from me.

My intention is to grow.

I am grateful for overcast days that feel perfect for writing.

I am grateful for a quiet library.

I am grateful for love and friendship.

I am grateful for work to do, even if it's so much work that it feels overwhelming.

I am grateful for typing skills that allow me to look at the hot guy (still distracted) across the room while typing. 

I am grateful for my Adidas hi tops, which might become a conversation starter.

I am grateful for every opportunity I've had this year.

I am grateful for many words to say.

I am grateful that my imagination is open and fruitful.

Scene of the Crime

Yesterday, I went back to my grade school alma mater and spoke to fifth through eighth graders at Career Day. It was weird walking along those halls that haven't changed a bit since I was at school there 30 years ago. I talked to students about my life and career. It seems weird to be able to talk about a career when a year ago, I hadn't yet staffed on a TV show. I was about to nine days later, but a year ago it still hadn't happened. I think I had interviewed by this point. And I was hopeful.

We did a sort of speed dating thing where groups of kids went around from table to table to chat with each alumnus. I probably talked to about 12 groups and my voice was hoarse when I was done. But I found a format that worked in 7 minute increments. I started out with a question.

What do you do for fun?

Read (the proper answer)
Play Video Games (the real answer)
Sleep (when you have no answer)
Watch TV
Draw
Cook
Eat

Then I went around and asked them another question.

If you could get paid to do the things you do for fun, would you take that job?

YES. Always yes.

Then I explained that my answer would have been "read comic books, watch TV and draw." I was a creative, imaginative, in my own head kind of kid. I had an optimism that allowed me to be delusional and ignore the name calling I faced every day. I reflect on it now, but at the time, I just kept going. Then I tell the kids that I turned what I love to do into a career. I write because I learned story telling from the comic books I read and the TV I watched. I made up stories with the characters I drew. I always was telling stories of some sort on paper.

As the groups would come through, I would tell my story and engage them. They seemed interested. What I do for a living seems like fun to people. I get it. I couldn't have engaged a group like that when I was a kid. I was painfully shy. I saw some of those shy, creative kids come to my table yesterday. I saw their eyes light up and stay laser focused on me as I told my stories. I recognized the inability to ask questions, but to have a laundry list of questions in their head. I know what it must feel like to go home and say, "Why didn't I ask my questions?" I was that person.

But for me to say to them, "This is how I made a career" is remarkable. I have a career! That's the big revelation. I'm actually doing this. I had a career before I got paid - I have to remember that too. I was listening to Marc Meron's podcast yesterday and he was talking to a music manager about success. That when you're at something for awhile, having some success helps you along and keeps you from being bitter. When you get some success, you realize how fragile it all is and how it can go either way. I am grateful for my level of success.

It has made me want more, however. And I have bigger dreams to dream now. I have more impossible things to conquer. When I was 14, it would have seemed impossible to write on a TV show. Actually, it would have been impossible to leave my hometown. I couldn't imagine going to school in LA - where the rich people live. But I did that. Then college was another impossible thing that I conquered. Then moving out of California. And then moving to New York - the city I had always wanted to live. Then getting into NYU. Then getting a full scholarship. Then moving back to LA to pursue TV writing. And that seemed impossible for a long, long, long, long, long time. But I kept at it. Because - as many creative people have said in the countless podcasts I listen to - you have to be delusional. You have to be believe that you're going to do it. If it works out, it's vision and goal setting. If it doesn't work out, it's delusion. It's probably delusion either way because it's a relentless belief in one's self. I'm delusional. And that's what has pulled me through.

So what else can I be delusional about?

• I'm going to run my own show someday.
• I will sell several scripts.
• I will have lots of money and opportunity.
• I will have a loft downtown.
• I will drive a Mercedes.
• I will travel the world.
• I will produce my plays.
• I will write more.
• I will write better.
• The best thing I've ever written is ahead of me. 
• And when I've written the best thing I've ever written, the best thing I've ever written will still be out there for me.

It's like marathon training. When you start out, you say "That's the farthest I've ever run." Then the next week, it's the same thing. Then on and on and on and on until you go on a 20 mile training run. Then a 22 mile training run. Then you run the marathon. That's how this goes. It's the best thing I've ever written until the next time you write the best thing you've ever written. But you don't try to write the best thing you've ever written. You just do. Again, it's like running. All you have to do is put on your shoes and go. All I have to do as a writer is sit in front of the computer and go. 

I have bigger dreams now. And I'll accomplish those bigger dreams just like every time I set a new standard for myself. Those kids took me back to where I started dreaming. And as things feel more complicated with my life and the creative work I do, I needed a reminder - You got this. Because to them, I've already done the impossible. 

It's like those lyrics from "Merrily We Roll Along" - 

How did you get here from there, Mr. Shepard?

What was the moment and where, Mr. Shepard?

What did you have to go through?

My intention is reflection.

My intention is growth.

My intention is the next impossible thing.

My intention is expansion.

I am grateful for the moments to reflect.

I am grateful for the ability to share my journey and make it seem less impossible.

I am grateful for the work I've done that has gotten me here.

I am grateful for the life I am leading.

I am grateful to be able to ask the question, "And now what?"

2017 - One Week In

It's the first full weekend of the new year.
I am at a Korean Spa, trying to get work done.
Not much changes.

Except, that I just finished my first week of work as a Co-Producer on the show I worked on last year. I'm a little tired. We pushed through a ton of story this week. The room is running well. Three of us writers are returning and we've got two new additions who have brought great energy. I'm not completely destroyed the way I was after my first week on the show last year. I binged watched the first season of Fuller House because I was that brain dead and didn't want much to challenge me. This weekend, I ran my writer's group and I've been running errands and trying to get moving on this pilot rewrite.

I've been wondering why I've been so energized this time around. Maybe it's because I know what to expect. Perhaps it's because I've got more stamina this time. Maybe it's because I'm more engaged. Last year, we knew exactly what we were writing. This time around we're figuring more of it out in the room. I think some of us were scared about not knowing exactly what we were doing for the season. As the week has gone on, I realize it has made me more invested. Last time, it felt like we were being told what to do. This time it feels like we're having to figure it out together. The group think allows us to all brainstorm together. I think I prefer that.

Having another playwright in the room helps. Having another person of color in the room helps too. And then the group who worked together last year. I guess it does feel more familiar in some ways.

This is a great start to the New Year. Last year, I was in the wake of my break up. The world seemed confusing. Then everything changed for the better. This year, I 'm starting out in a much different - and better - place. I'm a working, paid professional writer and a member of the WGA. That changes things. It makes me dream bigger. But it also makes me calmer and not freaked out about what lies ahead.

Before all of the changes last year, I had adopted a different tactic. I was going to let things happen as they needed to. I wasn't going to worry. I had resolved myself to the idea that my career might not happen the way I imagined it. And regardless, I was going to write. Even if I had to take a day job. Even if I had to teach and write plays in my spare time. I was happy doing the work I had been doing. That was enough.

And then the Universe provided with more than I thought it would. This year, I'm doing the work in front of me without much thought to anything else. Yes, I'm finishing this pilot which I know will help get me the next writing gig. I'm not without a plan all together. But I'm not placing limits on what could happen. Which means I don't have time to obsess.

My intention is to work.
My intention is growth.
My intention is to do what's in front of me.

I am grateful for my writer's room.
I am grateful to be employed.
I am grateful to be a new member of the WGA.
I am grateful for new relationships.

Writers Retreat: Day Four Recap

My last full day of this writer's retreat went well. It started out rough - with two beers in the morning and then some buzzed blogging. But it freed me up and by the time I got back from lunch and the Korean Spa at 3 PM, I was ready to work. And I did a lot of work. I took a couple of breaks, but didn't really finish up until 11:30 PM and I was spent.

I rebroke the outline. I had figured out some key character moments that I needed to figure out. It was really good over all. I have a much clearer arc for my main character going through the pilot. There's a lot that will be changed.

What about "actual writing?" I wrote four pages of a new opener that still needs to be fixed. But the work I did structurally is going to make that rewrite so much easier. I'm no longer the kind of writer who can just write and write hoping to get somewhere. Not with my TV and Film work anyway. I need to know where I'm going. And this writer's retreat was a massive success for that. I needed to get away to clear my head.

From the moment I got into town, ideas started flowing. The fantasy is that I get here and by Friday I have a fully realized rewrite. Writing doesn't work that way. Especially when you take time to take a hard look at structural issues. The hope is that the more you get specific about the problems in your script - and the more you work - the faster that problem solving becomes. And I'm much more in tune with how to fix that stuff now. I'm in a race to get my own stuff done because I go back to work on January 2nd.

Going back to work on a show can be a thrilling and scary thing at the same time. It's thrilling because time passes more quickly when you're in a room with other writers and group thinking. That I love. This will be my second time in the room, so I've learned a lot about how my ideas translate on the page. I have more confidence than I did a year ago. But what the whole process of being on staff has taught me is how to think fast and work fast. That's an incredible skill - to not be precious about everything. And it's scary because it means that the personal creative work takes a back seat for a bit. The money and the company are great - so that's what I try and focus on when I'm in the room. I try to focus on the things that I have versus the things I don't. My skills improve when I'm in the room. And I take those skills and put it into my own personal work when I'm not in the room. I also hone my skills for the room when I'm teaching. So I'm excited to bring that with me into the room as well.

That's all to say that the work I did this week was important. Because I'll be working on the script in this following week before I have to sit down between Christmas and New Years and grade my student work. So the work happening Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be the work on the actual script. With the structural work I did, I can get a solid draft done in a few days. That won't be too hard. I know what I'm capable of doing.

And today I leave. I'm doing some recapping of what I worked on during the last four days in my journal for the project. I'm doing this blog. I had some good personal time as well as some productive time. I'm really grateful. This was money well spent and time well spent. It's a good thing.

My intention is work.
My intention is focus.
My intention is growth and expansion.
My intention is to bear fruit.
My intention is results.
My intention is open heartedness.
My intention is readiness.
My intention is to do it all.

I am grateful for four days in Vegas in a hotel room to myself.
I am grateful to spend time with my ex-boyfriend and to solidify a friendship.
I am grateful for the affirmation that I am in the right place and doing the right thing.
I am grateful for many good nights sleep.
I am grateful for a writing retreat that was productive.
I am grateful for my own space.
I am grateful for friends who checked in on me.
I am grateful for my community of writers who keep me productive and honest.
I am grateful for the knowledge that I am on the right track.
I am grateful for certainty.

Be Happy

Yesterday, I went to my WGA New Member Orientation and I sat in a room of maybe about 75 writers who were all new to the WGA, including a friend of mine. In the presentation, a few Guild members talked about the gratification of being paid to write and how we all have done something that's near to impossible. The statistic is that you've got a better chance of being drafted by a major league baseball team than getting into the WGA. It made me think of the other impossible things I've done - like scoring in the top 1% of my incoming high school Freshman class in our entrance exam and getting a full ride to NYU. This was a dream of mine and it had come true.

At the end of the presentation, we each got a framed certificate acknowledging our entry into the Guild. I think it was the framed part that got me - this felt like a diploma of sorts. At the very least it was an achievement and to have that acknowledgement meant the world. My friend poo-pooed it a bit by saying he didn't need a framed certificate and made fun of it a bit. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him. I found out that he got into the WGA only a year before me and I had no idea. I took a picture of my framed certificate and put it on Facebook - 128 likes so far. I found it interesting that he became a member while we've known each other and I had no clue. I'm incredibly proud of being a member of my Guild and I'm excited to get involved in this community.

We went to the holiday party tonight together, my friend and I. And there had been some tension about a job I had recently gotten to teach at a prestigious private university. It was a job he had spoken to the university about and I got it. At the time, he seemed to be upset about it because it's something he wanted. The subject came up again tonight when someone asked him about the job and he pointed to me and said that I got the job. I didn't want to discuss it in front of someone else. But it was brought up and I had to acknowledge to my friend that I felt uncomfortable. On the ride home, he assured me that he was happy for me and only wants the best for me, which I believe. I told him that the part that hurt my feelings was that he asked me if I was taking the job once I found out our show was coming back. I want to still teach even though I'm staffed. I can make it work and I plan to.

In his need to know that we're okay - which we are - he mentioned that he wanted to make sure that I knew he thought I deserved it. I told him that my hurt wasn't about feeling like he thought I didn't deserve it. My hurt came from him asking if I was turning down the job. I told him that I didn't care whether or not he thought I deserved it. And he seemed to take offense to that or thought I made a blunt statement. But I'm not hurt because I think he thinks I don't deserve it.

The great RuPaul has a saying, "What other people think of me is none of my business." And I try to live by that saying. What my friend thinks of me is none of my business and it has no relevance on how I feel about the job. I know I deserve it. Nothing's shaking that. I'm not sure if he was thrown by the fact that I said it didn't matter what he thought. That sounds harsh, but it's true. That does not penetrate me. He can think I don't deserve it, but that does not change my opinion that I do. Nothing can shake that. I also know I deserve to have my staff job and my two teaching jobs.

Now that I look at this situation closer, I know that my friend remarked to me that he really wanted to be involved in the theatre company that asked me to join as a member. And for the record, we love his work and we're doing a workshop in the Spring. But me joining the company does not change how the company feels about him - it doesn't mean that they like him any less. Yet I feel like my friend thinks that.

My whole life I have held myself back for these very reasons. I never wanted someone to feel bad because of something I did or something that happened to me. I have a lot of friendships where I don't deal with that.

I made the choice a while back that I have to be happy for what I have and not unhappy for what I don't have. At that party tonight, I felt like I was in a community. I was with writers who had sold things and staffed on shows. We were in this club where people have had success. My friend had sold two pilots to get into the WGA. Everyone at that party had to be successful in order to be there because that success led to them joining the Guild.

A year ago, if this had happened, I would have spent time affirming my friend of how incredible and amazing he is because I felt guilty for my success. I didn't do that - not because I'm an asshole, but because I don't have to compensate for good things that have recently happened to me. He even acknowledged that he needed affirmation after he affirmed that he thought I deserved everything that happened and that he was happy for me. His immediate reaction was, "Now you tell me something great about me." I did it and I meant it. But as I'm typing this now, I'm realizing how fucked up that is.

And by the way, I sent my friend an email this afternoon telling him how great I thought his new play is and we're doing a workshop of it soon. I didn't send him an email telling me how much I love love love his play and then ask him to then say something nice about me. My friend's having a hard time and is spiraling. And as a friend, I love him and I support him. But it's hard when you realize that someone is happy for you with certain conditions and needs you to make them feel good about themselves. Some might say that's friendship. And I love to tell my friends how much I love and support them, but I want that to be my idea. Not theirs.

It goes back to something another friend and I were taking about today. Be happy. Acknowledge and love what you have and don't focus on what you don't have. If I'm not working, I have a lot of time on my hands and I try to make the most of that. I also have moments where I have some money and the opportunity to go somewhere and write for a week. Or visit a friend in another city. Or just hit the road and not think so hard. Tomorrow, I go to Vegas for a week to write. I need to make use of this time before I start on the show. I want to be supportive of my friend, but ultimately I have to make sure I devote the time I need to getting my work done. I can't let anything get in the way of that. I guess that's why I'm single and why I need to be. I love my friend and I want him to be happy. That's it. I hope he can get out of this funk soon.

My intention is love.
My intention is open mindedness.
My intention is acceptance.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is clarity. 
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for new writer communities in my life.
I am grateful for my voice.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for knowing who I am and what I want.

A Writer Prepares

The semester is over. I am no longer a teacher - except for their final projects and grading - and I'm back to being a writer full-time until Jan 10th, when I start teaching my first graduate level course and Jan 19th when I teach two classes - or get someone to fill in for me while I'm in the writer's room starting on January 2nd.

Yes, it looks like next year will be a juggling act between teaching and writing. I'm teaching three classes in the Winter/Spring and working on our show. Wowza! In order to do all of that, I have to be prepared.

I know that it will be harder to work on new projects while I'm in the room. So for six weeks, I'll be stretched thin, pitching ideas in the room and breaking story. I can't wait. But that means I have a pilot and a play that I've started that I need to finish before the end of the year. I want to finish out 2016 with these last two projects done so that I can start the new year with nothing on my plate.

I'm preparing for 2017 by going to Vegas next week to do my second writer's retreat of the year. Last April or May I went to Vegas for a week and stayed at Bally's. I locked myself in my room and got work done the whole time. It was kind of spectacular and amazing. I watched a lot of HBO Now, I ate, I worked and I got the necessary break I needed. I'm going to the Orleans because it's off the strip and easier to get around. There are happy hours and cheap food and nearby cheap and healthier food and Whole Foods. I can just devote myself to getting my work done and I don't have to worry about having to do anything other than write. I don't have to be nice to anyone. I don't have to get dressed all day if I don't want to either. I can wear my lounge outfit and be in my mobile office. I can pace around and try to figure out the next step in whatever I'm working on. I can bring my note cards and I can get all serious and crazy. I'm super excited about it.

I'm preparing for 2017 by going to my WGA New Member Orientation tomorrow and getting a mentor. Also going to my writer's group - which I'll be running from January through April - to hear some new pages from the new play.

Then I'm going to head to see my brother and his family for the holidays. And I'm going to relax while also doing a little bit of work on these two projects. I want to send the new pilot to my manager by the end of the year. And I'll be working on treatments for at least two new pilot projects.

I'm preparing for 2017 by getting rest, by spending time with my family, by enjoying the whole reason I'm on this planet - for them. I want to teach my niece about storytelling - after hearing that she just wrote her 2nd grade autobiography. I'm preparing to be busier than I'd ever thought I'd be by connecting to the people in my life who fuel me and inspire me.

2017 is going to be busy, it turns out. And I can't wait to see how being that busy transforms me like being busy transformed me in 2016.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to work.
My intention is to be open.

I am grateful for my writers group.
I am grateful for my writers room.
I am grateful for my classroom.
I am grateful for colleagues, comrades and community.