Collaborations

Sometimes you need people to pull stuff out of you that you can't pull out of yourself.

As a university professor, I am accustomed to pushing my students to work harder than they ever thought they could. I write comments on their work that get them to think differently. Some of them resist it and those people would be wrong. But the ones who take the advice and consider what I am saying see a marked improvement.

I was talking to a friend today and her husband about a project that they're pitching that's very niche. He was arguing a bit about what's working. And I said, "Did you sell it? Then it's not working." The buyer has to know exactly what they're buying. And that can be an idea or a promise. It doesn't have to be a clear story per se, but they need to know what they think they're buying. And if it's not clear, you need to make it clear. I was getting a lot of push back from him because he felt he knew better. At some point, you have to say, "Fine." It's not worth arguing over who's right because ultimately this is not my project.

In our workshop for my play, my director Jen and I have a great back and forth. I totally trust that she knows what she's doing because I've watched her do it well. She's got a gentle way and I trust the results she gets. So I get out of her way. We talk privately. We have a lot of the same approach to things. That collaboration is easy because she makes some notes, I do the work and I bring results. It's really that simple. Jen pulls stuff out of me without being hostile or demanding. I think her strength as a director is that she cares so much and she's specific. But she's incredibly gentle. And looking at the work I did - four drafts in two weeks - is incredible. I work really hard for Jen because I know she's great at what she does.

With the TV project I'm working on now, I get a lot of encouragement from my collaborators. Sometimes I can't believe they like everything they like. But it lets me try things. It doesn't make me afraid that they're going to hate something. I have the normal anxiety that we all have. But I don't have any worries to show them something. I have been stuck all week on the beginning, middle and end of the first season of this show. Today something cracked. I just started with the first thing and the last thing, which I knew. Then I started writing more about the beginning and then I got to a place where I thought we'd end that first third, which is about nine episodes. Then I figured out the math to get to 26 episodes. If we did 9+9+8, that would be 26. But if we put the 8 in the middle, then we'd have the start as 1-9, the middle as 10-17 and the end as 18-26. I figured out some story for the middle that started to lean into the break that I knew was happening at the last third. Once I started playing around with the math, the story started to appear. I wouldn't say it fell out. But I definitely wasn't as mentally constipated as I had been all week. It started to be regular. I have a lot of work I want to do over the next two days. We're going to meet hopefully on Tuesday. But I have a full structure to the season, which I didn't have before. I printed out the 7 pages I worked on and now I'm done for the night.

I can go into Saturday and Sunday knowing that I can build on what I have. But I have a structure to the pitch. It's remarkable how much work went into just the seven pages I have so far. It will be a bit longer and I will revise what I already have too. Now I can recharge my own personal batteries and go somewhere and get some work done tomorrow and Sunday.

Good collaborations can lift us up and make us better. And when things are not great, well...those aren't people we should be collaborating with. But that's something we learn over time. My collaborators are keeping me on my toes, that's for sure.

My intention is growth.
My intention is to work.
My intention is to be open.

I am grateful for my collaborators.
I am grateful for the time it takes to get work done.
I am grateful for how hard the work is to do.

Tastemaker

I remember being a kid and feeling like nothing I did fit in to anything going on around me. I loved TV guest stars and the Fall Preview of TV Guide and Barbra Streisand and the artists Marcel Duchamp and ManRay and the band Lone Justice. I was a strange little kid who didn't live in a world of his design.

I walked into the Coach store at my local outlet last week. Or what I thought was the Coach store - it was actually a pop up store for the entire Coach x Keith Haring collection. I thought I had walked into my childhood and I didn't understand why the whole world hadn't wiped out the store since everything was 70% off. I went another time last week to exchange something and then again this morning at 5 AM for Black Friday. The store was still pretty much intact. But that says everything about the world I live in and the world that everyone else lives in. I thought it was kind of amazing that the store wasn't ransacked. The first time I went in the store, I talked off the ears of all the employees because I couldn't believe it. I bought Christmas gifts there for everyone on my list. 

That kind of says everything about my life. The world and I are not always in sync. When I walked by the main Coach store at 5 AM, there was a line to get in. Yes, the whole store was 70% off, which is amazing. But the quality of some of the stuff there was not as good as what I got. There's a wallet there that is a version of something I bought six months ago for $40. The version they had was a bad copy of the same design - I'm assuming they couldn't use the exact same design because they didn't want to do a reissue. Anyway, that's neither here nor there - except it is.

I became a writer so that I could rewrite things that happened in my life exactly the way I wanted them to be. I'm doing that right now with a play I wrote that I'm producing with my theatre company. I wrote a play I wanted to write in the style I wanted about my family. I finally wrote a play that represents me in every way. And now I have a theatre company that wants to produce it - and because I'm a member of that company, I can have control of the vision of the play along with my director. But I have a voice.

I'm working with two producers on a project right now that I find very exciting. A producer brought me an idea for her to be in. This is someone I've worked with before and who I like very much. I took that idea and expanded it. She and her producing partner loved it. I worked on it more - and the expansion seems to be something everyone likes. We had a conversation earlier this week about the project. That conversation led into another conversation about the kind of room we'd want. And the kind of production we'd want. 

A lot of people believe you have to visualize something in order to manifest it. Visualize and manifest are big words out here in Hollywood. 

As we were talking, we started discussing our philosophy of having people of color and women as a mainstay of the production on every level. And our commitment to mentorship. I have to say that I haven't heard a producer talk that way before. At least not someone I had direct contact with. I've heard Ava Duvernay say it and Ryan Murphy and Jill Soloway. But I haven't had someone I work for say that to me. It was said to me in a meeting on a show that I really wanted to staff on by someone who walks the walk. 

I realized as we were talking that everything this producer was saying was everything I believe in. This led me to something that happened two years ago. I met for a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland. And I convinced myself that this job would be good for me because I would be a tastemaker. I could help other people of color get their voices heard in the theatre as an advocate. The truth was that I really didn't want to be an advocate in this way. I wanted a job and I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with it. But of course my heart wasn't in it and I didn't get the job. The best thing that happened was that I spoke the truth about who I am. And they didn't want it. It was the first time that I was made aware that I brought my full self to the table and it got flatly rejected - so that must mean that they are a wrong fit. I used to think that everything I didn't get would have made my life worlds better and that I fucked up by not getting it. I got a bad vibe half way through the interview process, which was a whole day of interviews. I knew they didn't want me and that I was getting a trip to Portland out of the deal. 

But that world TASTEMAKER stuck in my head. Then I got my first TV writing job six months later. And then I was asked to join a theatre company. And that made me a tastemaker because I'm given some decision making ability in choosing writers we put in our writers group and projects that we do. Then because of working on the show for two years, I met this actress who started a production company and wants me to develop the project that she'd star in for this company. And then I would have a real opportunity to affect change and be a tastemaker. So the goal was for me to be a tastemaker and once that goal showed itself, there were better ways the Universe was going to make me a Tastemaker.

But that's the world I want to live in. The world where I am hiring other people of color in my Writers Room. I am giving an opportunity to someone who has never been in a room - just like the opportunity I was given. I want gay people in that room. I want women and people of color in that room. I want a white guy in that room to witness how this operates and to go back and run his own rooms that way when his time comes. I want everyone to run rooms this way when their times come. That's the world I want to live in. 

I know that I want a Paleo option on every menu we order from. I know that I want Le Croix in the fridge and Larabars and couches. I know what time I want to start and what time I want to end. I know the kind of schedule I want to keep. I know the kind of showrunner I want to be. I want a room and an experience that reflects my taste. 

I want to be a Tastemaker in Film and TV as well as Theatre.

My intention is to be a Tastemaker.

My intention is to stand firm in who I am.

My intention is to collaborate.

My intention is to inspire.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for real collaborators whose values reflect my own.

I am grateful for the appreciation I'm being shown.

I am grateful for the open heartedness.

I am grateful for the care being taken.

I am grateful for true friendships in and out of Hollywood.

I am grateful for love and compassion.

Options

Right now, Hollywood seems like a pretty fucked up place to want to work. You've got to do all of this work for free in order to get a shot at something. And you've got to have the right sample - or four of the right samples for any given situation (procedure, light drama, soap, genre, etc.). It's like throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. I know a lot of writers like this.

I don't want to be a writer like this.

Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?

I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.

I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.

Does that mean I should give up?

I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.

I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.

And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.

And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...

TO BE LOUDER

I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.

My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.

My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.

I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.

On a Mission

I think about that Vanessa Williams song from the 90s - "Work to Do."

"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."

October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.

I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.

It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.

I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.

What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:

• October: Write pilot #1 and work on story and characters for pilot #2.
• November: Write pilot #2 and workshop play.
• December: Rewrite pilot #1 and pilot #2.

That feels very doable, considering that I'm also teaching. December will get heavy with my school work because a lot of the work will be coming in for my students. I'm going to rearrange my school schedule a little bit so I'm not driving down to meet with my grad students as much as I have planned in November. I need to make time for work in November. That possibly means that I will have three new pilots this year because I have the rewrite of the old pilot that got out.

I then have two pilot ideas for 2018 that I could start working on and I can start that process in January. I'm not writing these pilots for any other reason than to have them done. I want to stay productive and active and keep my skills sharp. As long as I do that, I'm fine.

I'm teaching and keeping my skills for giving feedback sharp. I'm running a room essentially with my classes. And if I finish both pilots I will have written six scripts this year. That is a good pace to be keeping up. Obviously, I want a new agent and to get staffed. But I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about writing the stuff I want to write. That seems to have gotten me to where I'm at. Everything else is not up to me.

My intention is to keep writing.

My intention is to keep growing.

My intention is to keep moving.

I am grateful for a Sunday.

I am grateful for time to get work done.

I am grateful for good friends around me.

I am grateful for fun.

I am grateful for the Korean Spa.

I Am an Artistic Leader...

...not an artistic follower.

What an arrogant thing to say.

I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.

After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"

I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.

What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?

Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.

Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?

I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.

Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.

I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.

And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.

My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.

I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.

Q3 in Progress

A few years ago, I started dividing my life in terms of fiscal quarters. I set these short term measurements of time to evaluate where things are at in my life. Now we're in the second half of the year. The first half was about work - whether it was teaching or being on the show. My time on the show seems so far away now. I was hoping to be on another show this quarter - I met on something that would have taken me through October. But I'm learning to embrace where I'm at. The great thing is that I do have a gig I'm starting in about ten days. That will keep me busy. But I've got to find balance between teaching and writing.

The third quarter started July 1st. I wrote what ended up being the final draft of a pilot I had been working on for a long time. Then I ended up meeting on a show early this month. That gig didn't happen. So I've started really working on my syllabi for the three classes I'm teaching this Fall. This month has been about taking time to think about this new pilot. I am still knee deep in the thinking phase. I know what the show is generally. I went to Portland to research, which in this case was about going to Portland to live for two weeks. I walked around the neighborhoods. I lived. I ate. I drank. I really got the city in my bones for a couple of weeks.

Now I'm back and I've got a little bit of time before school starts. The plan is to continue to brainstorm and get more thoughts down in the journal I've created for the pilot. My two syllabi are done. I've got a grad level course I'm teaching that I'm still putting together. I think I know what I'm doing.

Then I'm in San Diego for most of September. I'm going to stay down there and work on this pilot while I'm in the first few weeks of the semester. I'm teaching things I've taught before and the first half of the semester is going to be a lot of planning and talking. So we'll ease into things a lot. I've never taught three classes before. This feels like a lot and they're all writing courses. So I've got a lot on my plate.

But the time in San Diego will be good to reset my head, much like Portland did for me. Being out of LA for a little bit I think will be a good thing. I don't really want to go back and forth too much, but it looks like some things will be bringing me back to LA on the weekends. At least I can drive up on Saturday mornings and go back on Sunday afternoons. Being down in San Diego, having a social life, seeing friends, will be a really good thing for me. I've got a bunch of people I want to catch up with. I want to get more involved with theatre down there. I want to see my friend Jen and my friends Stewart and Justin, who I haven't seen much of. I want to see my friend Bryan and go out to gay bars and have a social life. I think it will be good to have some time away.

I've got a guy I have my eye on and another friend I spend a lot of time with. But maybe I need to inch a little closer to dating. I can do that in San Diego safely without feeling like I need to jump into something. Having a medium-distance boyfriend might actually be a good thing. Someone who's close enough and who I can see during the week. But not someone who lives in LA and who I have to  jump into something serious with. Baby steps.

I know that Q3's a bit of a transition. Q4 will be really busy with some workshops we're doing with the theatre company and working on pre-production for my play that we're producing next year. I don't have a shortage of things to do, which is terrific.

My intention is to keep going.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is positivity.
My intention is growth.

I am grateful for the time away.
I am grateful for the three classes I'm teaching.
I'm grateful for the stuff I need to do.
I am grateful for the breaths I take.

The Journey

I don't know what's happening to me.

I probably didn't get a job I really wanted and I'm not that upset about it. Not in a "fuck them" sort of way. Or in a Pollyanna "that's life" way either. It's all of this damn gratitude work I'm doing. There's this well worn trope that says that we need to redefine our idea of success. It sounds so cheesy. Because...how the fuck do you do that? But that's exactly what I did. The success isn't getting the job. The success is doing all the work to get the job. It's knowing that I opened my heart and spoke from a real place of vulnerability. That I can do that in a Hollywood meeting is a great success. That I'm not afraid to express myself is a great success. I can appreciate that.

I know I gave good meeting. I know that I have the depth of character to write a show like that. But I didn't get it. And I have a job that starts at the end of the month that I have to prepare for. I'm a professor and I get to go back to that. I could be disappointed that I didn't get this job, but that means I get to spend another week in Portland with friends and family. I get to go to my nephew's dance performance tomorrow. And I get to go to the coffee shop with my niece and sit side by side doing work. I get to go hiking on Saturday and baby sit on Saturday night while my brother and sister-in-law go out of town. I get to have a three way on Monday (and hopefully Tuesday and Wednesday). I get to be in town a little while longer researching this new project. I get to act as though I live here and absorb everything I'm experiencing and use it as material. As Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."

Here are my successes:

• I decided three years ago that if I wanted to be a TV writer, then I had to give myself the schedule of a TV writer. So I started writing all of the time. And I moved from project to project. 
• I kept an office for six months that year (2014). And I wrote.
• I wrote five scripts that year - proving that I could be self motivated.
• I said yes to being my friend's on call sub that year. I think she called me four times.
• The following year, I spent eight months working on one script.
• I stood up for myself and made a lot of demands of a lot of people. I was a pain in the ass.
• The play reading and workshop were both successful and cited as a model of what to do.
• Because I worked on one script all year, I wrote two more scripts in the last three months of the year.
• I wrote 2000 pages that year. Up from 1000 the year before.
• The next year, I decided to focus more on myself.
• I got my first TV job.
• I got to be on set and produce.
• I got noticed.
• I joined the WGA.
• I was asked to teach one course that spring and then I was put on the schedule on my own that following fall.
• I started co-running a theatre company. I made new community.
• When the show came back this year, I was made a Co-Producer.
• I taught two classes this past winter and spring.
• I rewrote a script I had been working on for a long time.
• And I got a meeting on a show.

All of those other things led to where I am now. And it started over three years ago! It wasn't the year after my Dad's death or eight years ago. It took awhile. But everything I've listed above has to do with where I am not.

My intention is to listen.

My intention is to pay attention.

My intention is effect change in what I do.

I am grateful for the ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for a quiet and dark house.

I am grateful that I can get work done.

I am grateful for the good people in my life.

Visions

My friend Susan always does visualizations. There was a time where I thought she was crazy. But there is something to visualizing something for yourself and then bringing it to fruition. With all of this unlimited thinking and letting the Universe dream a bigger dream than you can dream for yourself, how to visualize can be confusing. What if I'm doing it wrong?

I feel the same way about meditation. It took me a full year to decide to meditate before I started doing it. It felt intimidating and like everything was banking on me doing it right. That was enough for me to not do it. But once I just committed to it, it was fine. I feel the same way about visualization. But for me, visualization is about paying attention to how I'm living my life. There might be things I do in one area of my life that are applicable to other areas of my life. So in that case, the visualization is paying attention to what I'm doing in these other aspects of my life.

I did a recent meditation about being a visionary. And in it, I was advised to let it rip in terms of explaining the vision I have for myself. What I loved about the meditation was that community was a part of that vision. Five or six years ago, I had no community in LA. I had no circle of other playwright friends who inspired me. Now, I am at the center of a community.

I was talking to my friend Cory earlier today about a group that everyone wants to get into run by a big theatre in town. I've had conversations with countless friends over the years about why they're not in that group. I've asked myself that question as well. But then I started taking not being included as a badge of honor. I'm not a celebrity playwright - is there any such thing? I've got plenty of playwright friends who are celebrities and I love them. But that's luck as well as talent. I've created something with Chalk Rep, my theatre company, that I feel is really beautiful. We've got a group of writers and actors who come together to create some really cool work. It's a curated group, but it's a group that works because the people in it are open hearted and really care about each other.

I decided to stop being excluded and to start including people in my group. The other group is incredibly exclusionary and it works on its own terms. But it doesn't matter to me how it's run because I don't run it. I run MY group. And if someone told me how to run it, I'd probably kick them in the balls. So I respect the fact that the other group is uncompromising in its approach. But their style just isn't my style. The point is that I created me own thing that is now being shaped by my vision for it. The group existed before me and I didn't take it over right away. But now that I have the reigns, I have some ideas.

What started it all for me was the Playwrights Union, which is a collective of 30 LA-based playwrights who do writing challenges and have events. It's an incredible social group of other writers. I met some of my close friends in that group and it really helped me out at a time when I needed community. I am going from active status to alumni status with the group. I now feel like I have enough community that another playwright who needs community needs to take that spot. I've got my writers group, plus my gay Latino writers collective and I'm also a member of the WGA and that's a huge community. I have all of these networks of people and it's about creating larger networks of support.

So when I have this vision of the things I want to do or what I want to have in my life, I'm already there. I've got groups I'm a part of and groups I'm curating. My taste is being represented in the groups I participate in. I get together with my close pals and we share work with each other. So I can visualize just by living my life, knowing that what I have I want more of and on a larger scale. I'm living the life I want to be living. And now it's about living more of it.

My intention is to grow.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to be present.

I am grateful for time away.
I am grateful for ice cream.
I am grateful for a quiet house.

A Good Night's Sleep

I slept amazingly well last night.

Here's why that's a strange thing. I had a big meeting today. Normally, when I anticipate something I sleep horribly. I toss and turn. I worry. I end up being totally sleepy. That didn't happen. Why is that?

The meditation is working. I feel settled in. I did all the work I needed to do. There's no reason to freak out or worry. As my mantras have said:

I am.

I am free.

I nourish the Universe and the Universe nourishes me.

I am the Universe. I am absolute existence.

My Actions are in alignment with cosmic law.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I have everything I need. I'm in a good place. That's why I was calm last night. Everything that could happen will be great and will add to what I already have. But I don't need to fill a void. That's a great place to be. Now I hope I can stay there.

Here's the hard part. Waiting for news. So I'm practicing detachment. I am working on the next thing. I sent thank you notes. I am texting with friends. I'm at the Korean spa working on other stuff. I can't listen to the voices inside my own head with possible outcomes.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I am grateful that the meeting went well.
I am grateful that I said everything I wanted to say.
I am grateful that I am not worried.
I am grateful that I let things flow.
I am grateful that I am constantly learning and growing.
I am grateful that the Universe provides.
I am grateful that I am in a place where I am listening.
I am grateful to know what leads to abundance. 

I am grateful for this food right now. I didn't eat this morning because I didn't want to be bloated. I looked good and I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat last night out of boredom.

Knowing I'm enough is a huge victory. And I'm starting to navigate from that place. It's unfamiliar in some ways. In other ways, it feels totally natural. Maneuvering a career in the TV industry is really tough and it's nice to meet other like-minded individuals. That's a huge success.

Going into a meeting feeling prepared but knowing that it's more important to be yourself is key.  It has taken me so long just to understand that. Life's a journey and I'm growing from that journey. But I also own that I am an expert in my field and I'm not just here to learn. I know things. And in that meeting today, I communicated that, which is an empowering thing. I spoke my truth. And I will continue to speak my truth. That's a victory. Today was full of victories, big and small.

My intention is to go with the flow.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be expansive.
My intention is to be curious.
My intention is to believe, to trust and to let go.

Weekend at Billy's

This weekend did not end with someone dying and being propped up.

Every year, I spend one weekend at my friend Bill's house at an annual party. I get the chance to reconnect with my community here, which is really Bill's circle of friends. I've known Bill for twelve years since we met at a pool in Palm Springs without our clothes on during Fourth of July weekend. I've been up to his Sonoma house because of parties with hot guys. I've stayed here for my birthday before in the winter. I've been up at the house with different boyfriends. I love Bill because he's a great friend and always has great people around him.

He's also a great example of someone thriving in his 60s, staying active in both his work and his social life. Even though Bill has money and has a thriving life, he's grounded and our conversations about life and career are aways mutually beneficial. Right now, it's after 11:30 PM and I'm sitting outside at a table in his backyard, with a string of lights above me and my laptop out. I came here for relaxation and to get away from how busy my life has been. And I'm sure glad I did.

I was supposed to read some scripts this weekend. One of them I got through. And the two others I will pick up tomorrow morning and give writers' notes. The two scripts I started reading have some issues, so I wasn't compelled to finish them yet. I didn't want to spend such a beautiful night in this beautiful place reading scripts I wasn't excited about. I'd rather write in my blog and reflect on the weekend.

I drove up Friday morning and I did the thing I always do on this long drive to the Bay Area. I did it in silence - for the most part. I had some music on in the beginning of the trip. But most of it was spent quietly reflecting on life. I have done this quiet drive from LA to the Bay Area for the past five or six years. It's my favorite way to spend the drive. I don't know what compelled me to do it in the first place, but I love the silence.

Then I got to Bill's and we packed up and headed to Sonoma. The conversation on the way up was good as always. We caught up on what's going on with our mutual friends Thomas, Scott, and Shawn who weren't going to be there this weekend. These guys are my touchstones and the guys I know the best out of his group. I was nervous that I wasn't going to have anyone to talk to. But I knew I'd have time in the kitchen with Rafael and time hanging out at the pool with Ventura. I knew there would be dancing and laughing, but I didn't know there would also be high heels and wigs. Spending so much time lately trying to get this new pilot script done and out the door left me with a serious need to play dress up. I told Bill about the guy who I might have a connection with. We got to the house and then made it to a local winery for some tasting. Then Ventura and Rafael arrived and we went to dinner. We laughed so much and then came back and danced, drank and put on a fashion show of our looks for the party the next day. I didn't think about my writing at all. I wasn't worried about a deadline. I could just be silly and have fun.

The next morning we woke up and got ready for the party, I was on guacamole duty and food prep with Rafael while Bill and Ventura got the house ready with rainbow flags. Guests started arriving. We started drinking. We got in the pool and I had a speedo on. Then we changed and went to this outdoor dance party and came back to the house later that night and had a lot more fun. I ended up skinny dipping with this married guy named Jack and we had an incredible conversation about relationships and sexuality. We made a connection and I went to bed feeling enlightened.

This morning I woke up and started cleaning up the kitchen from the night's debauchery. Then Bill came and got me to head to the local deli and market for some breakfast. We sat in the deli and chatted about the night before and recounted funny stories while trying to make sure a young, unsupervised boy did not pull the fire alarm again in the market. We were joined later by our friends and then we headed off to the pool for an afternoon of hanging out in our respective speedos telling jokes and making each other laugh. Then we went to dinner for our friend Mickey's birthday and had ice cream. Everyone else went back to SF. Bill and I are staying here one last night before driving back to SF tomorrow so I can drive down to San Jose and see my college friends for dinner.

Bill and I sat outside after coming back home and we chatted about our work habits. Our constant need to communicate with people articulately through email. Our attention to detail. Our obsession with organization and clarity. As I'm more of a professional than I've ever been, listening to Bill's stories about the way he works reinforced that I have a method to working that works. There were a lot of similarities in the way that we both work. And Bill has been very successful. It let me know that I am on the right track.

Being with Bill and the caliber of his friends was a good litmus test for the relationships - both professional and personal - that I want to have. Yes, Bill has money and status and two incredible homes. But his homes are populated with the most supportive group of friends. And Bill has such a generosity of spirit when it comes to welcoming people in his home. We talked a lot about community. He asked who my posse is in LA. And I talked about Cory and Dominic - my writers posse. We talked about my Gay Latino Writers Group. I realized that I have so many communities in my life of people who support me. I'm always running off to something. This week alone I am starting out leaving Sonoma and my SF community. Then I go to see my Santa Clara community of former teachers, colleagues and classmates. I'm returning to LA on Tuesday specifically to attend a WGA LGBT writers committee meeting with the Gay Latino Writers. I have another WGA event on Wednesday. Then my theatre company has a bimonthly event on Thursday. And Friday I'm having lunch with my friend David who I haven't seen in awhile to just catch up. These are my people. This is my group. This is who takes up my time when I'm not writing. I've got a great posse. I'm really lucky.

I say that from under the stars in wine country. I say that as a sit in a pair of shorts and a long sleeved cotton cashmere t-shirt. I say that outside my good friend Bill's home. I say that looking out at the vineyard. I say that being on this beautiful property I can call part of my home away from home in the Bay Area.

My intention is to rest.
My intention is to recharge.
My intention is to relax.
My intention is to enjoy.

I am grateful for the warm heart and hospitality of old friends.
I am grateful for the sincere love shown to me.
I am grateful to have time to just be and sleep.
I am grateful to be single.
I am grateful that I am here alone.
I am grateful that this is where I feel at peace right now.

Balancing Act

I constantly have to remind myself every day of how lucky I am. That sounds crazy. But when you start achieving the things you've always wanted, it's difficult to remember gratitude. My whole life I have been used to not getting things I want and I just expected that I would continue to push myself. And often, the way I would push myself is to let myself know that I'm not good enough. About two or three years ago, I started to get real Zen about how my life and career. I calmed myself down and I started to care less about outward success. I just wanted to live my life, do my work, and let the Universe figure the rest of it out.

Then the Universe did. And I got some of the things I had wanted. Then I found myself with this real tension between letting go - which is how I got here - and then really wanting it again and trying to replicate success - which never worked. I had things and I wanted more and I wanted to grab on to it. I find myself in a space where I'm afraid I won't get the next job, which is natural of course. But I'm trying not to live in that space. Three years ago, when I didn't have any money, I lived in the space of not worrying. And I was really proud of that. I do worry less now than I used to, but I'm worrying more than when I was in that Zen place of "let it go."

I'm also trying to accept that everything has a season. And I don't mean that in some sort of philosophical sense. But every year is different. Some years I write five scripts. Some years I work on a TV show. Some years I teach. Some years I do all of those things. It has been hard to wrap my head around this year so far. Last year was such a game changer for me, that in some ways this year feels anticlimactic. But at the same time, I'm now doing what I've been wanting to do. So this year is a result of all of that hard work and game changing. Now this is my new normal.

So this year means that January through May were about being in production on the TV show I'm a Co-Producer on and teaching two classes. Now through August is about writing scripts, directing a workshop and being in pre-production for a play of mine that I'm producing. Then September through December will be about teaching again. Being so busy makes it hard to stay present sometimes. I'm trying. I'm trying not to be obsessed with the things I'm not getting done and focus on the moment.

We had a great rehearsal last night for this play workshop I'm directing. It's pretty great to sit around a table with actors and with a playwright I respect. It's great to support a friend's vision of his play. It's great to feel creatively fulfilled. And yet, I sit here trying to get work done. I'm feeling pressure to get this pilot rewrite finished that I've been trying to work on for the past several months. I'm antsy about moving on and writing the next two pilot ideas that I have. I feel weird that I haven't written a new play yet this year and most likely, I'm not going to.

But again, everything has a season. Not every year is going to be about working on a show, teaching, writing a new play, getting a bunch of my own stuff done. There will be compromises. That's the thing about having a career. Some years all I'll be doing is writing on someone else's show and banking some coin so that I can have a year where all I do is my own stuff. Some of that will be by choice and some of it will not. But as the past few years have shown, surprises can be amazing. So I'm going to go along for the ride.

My intention is openness.
My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to ride the wave.

I am grateful for the freedom I have to do many things.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for the summer.

Great Advice

I'm at the age now where I'm giving advice as well as getting it.

I had the experience to give and receive today from two people I really respect. My friend, Tom, is an actor who I got to work with on a play workshop of mine. It's a play I LOVE and the experience of working with Tom was incredible. We haven't been in touch a lot in the past year and a half. But I found out today that his father just died in February. To look at him, with his enthusiasm and joy is remarkable. When we met almost two years ago at Priscilla's in Toluca Lake, we instantly got on. He's a kid from a solid family and a background that told him to work hard and he is. He's definitely a guy you meet and you think, "He's a star." He's moving to London soon to study acting. If I couldn't admire him enough already, that just made my admiration soar through the roof. He's going back to learn more about his craft. He's a real actor and he's tired of being told to take his shirt off - he knows that he's more than that.

In the same way that working with my students inspires me because of their optimism and freshness, talking to Tom awakened more optimism and hope within me.

Then I got to talk to my friend Elizabeth, who's a playwright and also a successful TV writer. I've gotten to know her over the past couple of years. First as a member of our writers group, and then as someone interested in me and my work. One of the reasons I admire Elizabeth is that she has managed to make a living as a successful TV writer and Co-Executive Producer and yet she still writes these weird plays. The two worlds are separate and as she explained to me yesterday, "I don't expect to make my living as a playwright. But if I did, I suppose I'd have to write very different plays." That statement was such a revelation. My whole playwriting career I've tried to get acceptance by the O'Neill, the Lark, the Playwrights Center, Sundance, Ojai, Cape Cod, Seven Devils or any number of different theatres or development organizations. I've been a finalist at a few places. But I'm never going to make a living as a playwright - mainly because there's no living to be made as a playwright. However, then I don't have to change the types of plays I write. Would I like to be produced? Yes. And now I have a theatre company that supports me - a company that already existed and has brought me into their fold. Even being a part of this theatre company, I realized that a theatre company's just a group of people who all have the same vision. They're just a group of people. They are not God. They are not even an institution. They're just people who agree - or work to agree. And if they're just people, then I will eventually find the people who agree with me. That releases me from a lot of things. That also means that networks, studios and production companies are just people too. And I can create an entity that agrees with me. But then again, that entity will just be composed of people. Somehow in that way, it makes it less intimidating.

I went off on a tangent, but one that's important to this conversation. I don't have to give my power away anymore to anyone. Even the folks with the big money. Even my manager - that's another conversation. My friend Elizabeth then had a lot of great practical advice for me. I'm writing a spec of a show that I love to get into programs that could help me. "They make it easier," she said. I've applied to these programs before without any luck. I thought that I wouldn't have to apply to them any more because I'm a Co-Producer on our show. But in some people's minds, it's "just a web series." I know that's not true. I know that I'm ready to hop on a show right now as a Story Editor or Executive Story Editor and burn the shit down. But my ego has been saying that I don't need it. What I realize is that we're in a time where diversity is a big buzz word. Unfortunately, it's a trend - which means that the trend cycle will eventually be over. But I need to hop on the trend while the ears are listening and the eyes are watching and reading. "Strike now," she said. She also had other key advice for me.

• Rewrite a pilot I had been working on - she said that I was really close to it being good. That I didn't need to start over and tear everything down. I just needed to fix what I had. That made all of this seem so less intimidating. She told me that I'm so ready to work in network television. And she should know. She has been doing it for thirteen years. That's the other thing about Elizabeth, she is incredibly honest, gracious and pragmatic. None of it's personal to her.
• "You've got three months." She didn't say this as a warning or even as a question to openly wonder if I could get it done in time. She said that in an affirmative way as if to say, "You've been working in TV. This is a doable deadline. Get it done." That wasn't really advice. But the advice was more about getting the work done and going for it.
• "Don't reinvent the wheel. It's television." She told me to steal the story beats from a show that the networks keep trying to replicate. Stealing's not an issue when you're surrounded by thieves. As creative people we tend to over mystify the process. Or here's what we do, we assume writing for television is the same as writing for ourselves. It's called staffing for a reason. You get a temp job and get staffed. So that means there are rules to follow and ways to be more successful or less successful. We get in our own way as creative types because we expect each job to fulfill us creatively.
• "Don't do that." - referring to expecting television to fulfill me creatively. The less personal I can make it the better. That's really why people succeed. They give to it, they do what's expected of them and they play the game. Then they get out. 
• "Have the things that fulfill you creatively so that TV doesn't have to." Yes, there are shows on the air that I consider art: Atlanta, The OA, Sense 8, Master of None, Louie, Baskets.  But even those shows are jobs. I didn't create any of those shows. So if I were lucky to staff on one of prestige shows, I'd still have to fulfill a creator's or a showrunner's vision. And that's okay. But writing a play means something different to me than writing on a TV show. That wasn't always the case. I expected one to satisfy me in the same way the other did. Elizabeth Gilbert says in her book Big Magic, "Support your creativity, don't expect it to support you." My creativity does not support me. My playwriting doesn't support me. I write plays because I love to be in a room with writers talking about my work and their work. I love my writers group. I love my theatre company. I love the companionship and the exchange of ideas. But I am not trying to make a career as a playwright. I actually think that's a mistake. More on that later. But it doesn't pay my bills. And it doesn't have to - as long as TV does.
• "A pilot just needs to show that story is possible." - I'm paraphrasing this one. But she basically said that a pilot needs to indicate that there is more story to be told from that well. And if you understand story, you understand how to lay that in a pilot. Again, an indicator that writing for television isn't writing in the muse-heavy way. It's meeting a deadline. It's figuring out a solution. It's mechanics. And because of that, it's impersonal. And because of that, it should be easy to get specs written quickly. They need to get you jobs. They don't need to win you the Emmy.
• "It has to look like a TV show." The pilot sample has to give the executives and the showrunner an indication that what you write is TV. As Elizabeth said, "The work has to pass through about five or six people before it gets to the showrunner. And they have to get it. The network, the studio, maybe the production company, your agent or manager. If it accomplishes the task of seeming like it's a TV show, then that gives people the confidence that you can do the job.
• "Write the thing that will give you the most chances of getting a TV job." There are a ton of cop, lawyer, medical shows. And there are certain things that people want. There are certain worlds that people are trying to break. Write those to get the meetings to get in the room. Again, there's a road map. Whether or not you choose to follow it is up to you. Now, a lot of this advice, if you don't have the benefit of hearing it directly from the source, sounds cynical maybe. Or it sounds reductive. Well, TV is reductive. Yet there are beautiful works of television that resonate with us. That doesn't exclude truth or authenticity. That doesn't mean that you can't write the passion project. That doesn't mean that you won't revolutionize television. But I don't know if you can set that out as a goal. The Shield, The Sopranos, The Wire (add to this advice, call your show The _________) are accidental revolutions. They were written from a place of honesty and they became something more. But those are all TV shows. Now it sounds like I'm giving advice. But a lot of this advice made sense to me. As I said to Elizabeth yesterday, I didn't know a lot of this stuff before I wrote on a show. I have a strong voice that I want to write in. I have a voice that needs to be kept sharp so that when it's time for me to create my own show, I'm not all rounded edges. But all of those things are true. And I might have heard some version of that from an agent or a manager along the way. When they said it, it insulted me. But knowing my friend, it sounds like a way to get the work done. Again, the job is to get staffed.

What Elizabeth didn't say, but what I got from our conversation was this -

It's up to me. I have the personality to be in a network room. I've worked in television and therefore have proven that I can do it. I have samples that just need to be tweaked. It is within my reach. Fix the problem - don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Every TV script is flawed and has to be repaired, but it can be done. Do the same with your samples. It's within my reach. I'm repeating that because I didn't get it the first time.

It's within my reach. 

If I don't do it, it's because I'm getting in my own way. It's because my ego is saying that my pilot has to be art. It's my ego that wants me to labor over everything to prove my worth. I'm already deserving. That's why you don't need to be a great artist to be a TV writer. That doesn't mean you don't need to be skilled. And that's not pejorative. It's actually hard to be a TV writer. But working hard does not make you an artist. You're an artist first - and that is a stroke of luck. That's the biggest stroke of luck. But where I have gone wrong is that I assumed that meant that I deserved to be a rich, successful, continuously working writer/producer. But you don't have to be an artist to be a TV writer - you do have to work your fucking ass off and you have to be relentless in your pursuit. That's why some people are successful and not talented - they work the system. It doesn't mean they don't deserve to be there, but they understand the code. Creative people don't always understand the code.

I think I take my friend's advice seriously because she's successful, but she's also at the heart of everything an artist. She hasn't sacrificed her art for the paycheck. She understands that they operate completely separately and she gives them each a room of their own. Sometimes I see playwrights whose work changes as a result of writing for TV. They've essentially forced these siblings to share a room.

Everything needs to be demystified. But that's difficult because we've mythologized the work of being an artist and confused that with the work of being a commercial writer. So we make it precious. Just like you have to be less precious with the writing itself, you have to be less precious with how you think about the writing. I'm learning that lesson.

I will say this. If I hadn't stuck to my vision, I wouldn't have written samples that are close to TV shows. I had to pull myself through the writing. I had to write all of those pilots. Otherwise, it's all formula. If I had just followed this advice, I wouldn't have written the play that has broken me open. I have a real voice - and real voices matter in TV. Yes, there are Amazon, Hulu, Netflix, FX, HBO and all of these prestige places to work and to sell work. And there's TV that's not TV. It doesn't mean that every sample has to fit the formula. But I have a leap I want to make. And in order to make that leap and then to have the freedom to look at my career from that vantage point and make the next move, I need to follow this advice. 

I also have to remember the refrain that my friend Adam used to repeat over and over again when we were coming up:

It's not called show friends, it's called show business.

Steven Pressfield put it differently. You can't be You to do business, you have to be You, Inc.

This will continue to sink in, but it was one of the most helpful business conversations I had. And that's from someone who wants me to succeed. Who thinks I have what it takes. And who has worked enough to know. This is practical knowledge, not just encouragement. 

My intention is to work in network television.

My intention is to not take it personally.

My intention is to be Me, Inc.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for friends and family.

I am grateful that I got to see my godmother in Vegas for the day.

I am grateful that my heart is still open and my mind is still sharp.

I am grateful that I know I am capable of what I want, above all else.

A Free Moment

Life has kind of calmed down a bit.

For the moment. I'm sitting at the West Hollywood library - the site of many a writing session alone or with my friends Carrie, Larry, and Andrea at various times. I'm sitting here on my new MacBook Pro. I just got back from lunch with my friend, Dan - someone I've known for years and have wanted to catch up with for some time.

I actually have a moment to catch my breath. Since January 3rd, I've been working. And that has been an excellent thing. Our show is currently in production and they don't need me as much. I feel like I've been neglecting my students. My friends all tell me that they probably don't feel that way. But I'm used to being there to answer their emails at all hours or coming in early to meet with them. I've had to limit my office hours to the designated times and I've been putting off grading their assignments until later in the week. It hasn't been as easy to be the teacher I want to be for them.

But that's because I'm busy being the TV writer I want to be for myself. I couldn't be happier to be this busy. I'm developing new plays with my theatre company. I'm going to attend a national theatre conference in June in Portland. I'll get to see my brother and his family while I'm there as well. I need to make plans for May - maybe to go to Vegas to see my godmother or to go up to San Francisco to see friends.

Finally having some time to think will allow me to get work done. I feel like I've been running on empty a lot lately. I'll be back on set for the last few days of production in about two weeks, but for now, I can just readjust and see what work needs to be done.

I have a pilot to put the finish touches on - been doing that for the past two months.
I have a new pilot to write.
Maybe I have a spec to write.
I have a play that I want to continue working on - but I may even turn that into a pilot.
There's stuff to do.
I'm also directing a workshop in June.

I've given myself a lot of work to do and maybe not a lot of time to myself. My friend Dan and I were talking at lunch about having time to just chill the fuck out and let things happen. It's so easy to just fill space with nonsense. Sometimes it's important to be alone and relaxed. It's important to have days where you just blog and stare out the window at the beautiful city you live in. Not every day needs to be one where you get 25 pages of your pilot written. I need to be doing some more working out. I need to start watching my diet again. I need to have a little more self care. It's the time to do that. I had a little respite last month in Vancouver, but then I had to get back to work right away and then right back into production. So it was three weeks of a lot of panic and craziness.

I have class once a week for the next four weeks. That should be good enough. I have to finish this pilot. I feel like I don't have anything else hanging over me to get that done.

I'm usually not good with time on my hands. I get antsy. I get impatient. I get depressed. But today's okay. It's Wednesday. I'm going to stay here at the library and wait traffic out a bit. Then I'm going to chill the fuck out and watch Real Housewives of New York at home and get a good night's sleep before teaching tomorrow afternoon in San Diego. I don't have to get up early. I can head out the door at 10:30 AM. And I can relax on the drive down until I have office hours and then six hours of teaching. But until then - I'm going to take things at my own pace.

My intention is relaxation.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is self care.
My intention is rejuvenation.
My intention is calm.

I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesday afternoons.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for good lunches at old restaurants.

Working for a Living

My outgoing voicemail message on my cell phone says that I'm "busy, busy, busy." 

I recorded this - years before I was actually "busy, busy, busy." My friend tease me about it all of the time. My friends who mediate would say that I manifested my schedule. The rest of the people I know would say that I was full of shit and at a certain point it just happened. Neither group is particularly wrong. I was actually busy. I was writing a lot before I actually got paid to do it.

When I was in grief counseling, I complained to my counselor that I wasn't really a working writer because I hadn't get gotten a paycheck for writing. He looked me in the eye and said, "Yes you are a working writer. You write full time. You just don't get paid yet."

A common conversation among writers is either about the next job or the first job. We're obsessed with what is to come. And I suppose we should be - that's what gets us up in the morning to write. Right? 

For a long time, I didn't get up in the morning to write. I got up in the morning to go to my day job as an assistant to a successful TV literary manager. I worked 10-12 hours a day, answering phones, reading scripts and generally feeling pretty productive. But none of that productivity was geared towards anything I really wanted to be doing. I was helping out my boss or the other managers in the office. I was an amazing assistant - kind, thoughtful, helpful, attentive and smart. I say smart last because I felt like that was the thing that mattered the least. It was a given that I would be smart, but not essential. I just needed to do my job with a smile. It was a good job for about three years. Then it was a bad job for the other four years I stayed on. I don't think I wasted any time being there - I did for several years after I left the company. But now that I'm writing on a show and co-running a theatre company and juggling my own projects, I see that it was an extended course in multitasking and splitting my focus. It taught me a lot - of what I don't want. And I learned that lesson repeatedly for a long time.

Once I started working for bosses who appreciated me, I understood my value and worth. It was that job that showed me that I had a lot to offer as a producer. And thankfully, that wonderful job only lasted six months. Lots of life happened in between and I started teaching about three months after that job ended. And that only lasted three months. Then I was on my own again, collecting unemployment and writing a lot. I kept at it - despite needing to work other jobs. I stayed afloat somehow. The Universe didn't present a lot of opportunities to work day jobs. I had put my time in. It kept giving me free time and I kept using that free time. 

Eventually, I realized that I don't love free time either. So I started writing a lot more. And now I wake up in the morning to work out, then have breakfast, then write, then send business emails, then have lunch, then do some more work or run errands. On the days I'm in the writers room, I'm up at 5 AM then I drive to the gym closest to my office and I work out. Then I have breakfast and get to the office early to get work done. Then I spend 8 hours pitching ideas and feeling my brains ooze out the side of my face. I drive home in traffic - or I wait it out - and I tire out on the drive home and watch You Tube videos before going to bed. When I'm teaching, I either start my morning in LA and then drive down to San Diego around 11 AM or I drive down at 5:30 AM (which I'm doing tomorrow) and I go work from my office. I grab lunch on campus and I have office hours before teaching back to back classes.

So now I actually am "busy, busy, busy." I keep a strict schedule - strict-ish. I like routine. I didn't always. I used to HATE routine. I used to think it inhibited my creativity. I used to also think outlines hindered my creativity. Now I love them - for TV and screenplays. I love order as much as I love the disorder. I think I spent a lot of my formative years in disorder as a desperate cry for help in trying to find order. I was incredibly unfocused as a kid in a lot of ways. Where I was focused was on TV and on my comic books. I was also a good student. But I didn't care about it much. I knew I was smart. I didn't feel like I needed to be the smartest guy in class. I settled for #2 or #3. I'm probably being very generous with myself.

I felt myself propelled towards things I LOVED. I loved words and images. I loved to be entertained. I knew from a very young age that I would be working in Hollywood somewhere. Even as a kid, I knew that I wanted to choose the stories that would show up on TV. I didn't know how that would manifest itself.  But I was a young kid and I'd record TV show theme songs. I was fascinated. Eventually, I would go into theatre because I also loved the expression of pure creativity. I loved dance and theatre. I loved things that existed in real time. 

Somehow all of that got me to this moment. I'm at a Peet's Coffee in Larchmont Villlage on my new MacBook Pro waiting to drive downtown to go to see FUN HOME with my friends at the Ahmanson.  For so long, I wanted to be surrounded by the same smart people I was around in college and graduate school. I moved to LA and got involved in the business. I networked. I schmoozed. I did all the things I thought I had to do to be successful. What I didn't do was write enough. I still thought that my charm was enough. Eventually I realized that hard work was everything. 

I'm living a life that I'm pretty psyched about. I have great colleagues. I have peers who inspire me and push me. I knew quite a few writers who are better than me. And that makes me better. I also get to write for a living. I'm in awe. By my colleagues who are smarter than me in the room. By my showrunner. By my friends in my theatre company who have a deeper, greater vision than I do. I'm constantly amazed by all of this greatness around me. I don't feel like I'm the best. I know I'm pretty damn good. But I don't look around and feel like I'm better than everyone around me. That would scare me. I need to be inspired and challenged. I don't need to be the best. I just need to be better than yesterday. And that could be spiritually, emotionally, physically as well as a better writer. I'm happy to be more thoughtful and enlightened than the day before. That's enough. And that's plenty.

My intention is growth.

My intention is to shine.

My intention is to smile.

My intention is to speak up.

My intention is to ask.

My intention is to wonder.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for this beautiful machine.

I am grateful for my body.

I am grateful for my schedule.

I am grateful for the work.

Power Up on the Visualization

It's my birthday month. Astrologically, this is my moon.
I have my copy of Brene Brown's Daring Greatly on my table.
I'm going to re-read Into the Magic Shop.
I have my copy of The War of Art and Turning Pro by Steven Pressfield at the ready.
I have my arsenal of manifestation manuals ready to go.
Let's do this!

I'm leaning in (which I'm not reading) to the power of the new moon. I know what I want for myself this year. I want a new place to live. I want to have a steady network or cable writing job at my level. I want to travel more this year.

Last year, a psychic told me I would be busier than I'd ever thought I'd be and that I'd be moving back in to LA. It feels like this is the set up for that. Two years ago, when I shook things up and interviewed for a job I wasn't sure I wanted in Portland, it took about six months for that shake up to take effect. It has been about the same amount of time since I talked to the psychic. Signs are there that a shake up is about to happen.

My horoscope.
The amount of work I have - I'm teaching and I'm working on our show.
My work is getting noticed.

I have a lot of smoke and there's about to be fire. I can smell it.

More importantly, I can SEE it. And I need to see it in order to visualize all of this happening. I'm working on my first episode of our third season. And I'll start my second episode soon. I finished a draft of a pilot yesterday that I've been trying to finish and I will have that ready. Then I need to write my next pilot. I have a play I'm wanting to start, but that will be on hold until the summer possibly. Or late Spring. It depends if I get a job. It depends on what I have going on. But I don't feel like I have enough of a drive to start a new play as much as I have a drive to get my next network or cable job. Or the next five jobs - in a row. I feel good about where I am with the last two plays I wrote. I want to let that breathe a bit and see where I'm at. The next two plays I have ready to write are both smaller plays with casts of three or four.

The horoscope says that the 10 days after the new moon are important. So whatever you're doing in those ten days, you're manifesting what your year will look like. Here's what I've been doing:

• January 27: Finished breaking my second episode. Ready to go to script on first episode.
• January 28: Curated a play reading for my theatre company. Dinner with two close writer friends. Writing episode.
• January 29: Breakfast with sweet actor friend moving to NYC. Writing episode.
• January 30: Writing episode.
• January 31: Writing episode. Writing pilot. Finishing first draft of episode.
• Feb 1: Writing pilot.
• Feb 2: Writing episode and making edits.

On the 3rd, I'll be turning in my episode and back in the writers room. Then I'll spend the weekend working on the pilot, hoping to finish a draft to send to friends to ready on the 5th. So if the ten days after the new moon are an indication, I'll be working on staff this year and writing a lot of episodic TV and my own material. I'll also be juggling projects. 

Sounds like I'll be busier than I imagined. All right. That sounds like I'm right on track.

I also worked out every day. I found time to relax at the Korean Spa and work. And I've found a lot of quiet time. And I've MAINLY eaten well. So I have those things to look forward to as well. Time for myself and time to work.

My intention is to work.

My intention is to keep going.

My intention is perseverance.

My intention is growth and expansion.

My intention is understanding and knowledge.

My intention is to see what exists.

I am grateful for all of the books I read to keep me focused.

I am grateful for my friends who keep me grounded.

I am grateful for the talent I am surrounded by.

I am grateful for the work I am able to do.

I am grateful for the life I am able to lead.

I am grateful for the power I hold.

I am grateful for the stable ground I stand on.

Where I'm Going

I've been in Portland for a few days with my brother, our mom and his family to hang and be together. I've had a lot of play time with the niece and nephews. We've danced around the house a lot and made tamales and open presents and taken silly pictures. I always feel like I recharge whenever I'm here. I'm also incredibly reflective when I'm here over the holidays. Last year, my brother and I had it out in a serious conversation. And in this past year, I've made some leaps and bounds in my career. I've also grown as a person who feels comfortable in his own skin.

And a lot of that has to do with work. I've worked a lot and learned a lot while working. So while I've grown a lot in these twelve months, I look ahead to 2017 and think about where I'm going.

I have papers to grade this week because I start work right when I get back to town. I'm probably going to be doing some work while I'm in Portland because we have some extra prep to do. I love getting back to work. I love being busy. I love having stuff to do and I love having a strict schedule. I've been very good on my own, but having the discipline of being on a show helps me a lot. I'm actually more productive with my own stuff while I'm working on shows. I don't have time to slack. Of course, I end up being exhausted beyond belief when everything's said and done. But it's where I thrive.

In January, I get back to work. I'm possibly teaching two classes and I'm producing a reading for my theatre company. I'm hitting all of the areas of my life that bring me joy and sustain me. I'm working professionally. I'm teaching professionally. And I'm working with my professional theatre company on projects.What I learned last year is that I'm fully capable of juggling projects and keeping busy. But what is it that I'm spending my time doing and what am I gaining? Those are the questions that I think about as I head into this next year of growth and expansion.

I spent 2014 and 2015 being super productive and writing a total of about 3000 pages. I spent 2016 making money. And what about the next year? I want to write and produce television. Period. I have a long term goal of directing for theatre and TV once I have a show of my own to run. And what am I doing to achieve that goal? I am directing a workshop in June. I am getting more experience writing and producing on our show. I want to parlay that into the projects I am working on myself. I have to finish my pilot I've been working on so that I can close out the year and have a fresh clean slate. This year changed me as a writer. I want to see who that writer is in the real, working, professional world. I am writing in my voice. I have a confidence I didn't have before. I know the play I wrote this year will take me places I hadn't imagined in this coming year. I don't know how that will show up. But I know that I have changed my DNA as a writer. I have changed my molecules. That has to show up - that's the way energy works.

Each year keeps getting deeper and bigger. I am more invested in myself than I ever have been. I have a level of seriousness and focus I never had. That's because I am releasing myself. I'm not slowing down and I'm not backing down. I'm not afraid of my own power. And I'm not looking to anyone to validate me. That has never been true in the course of my life. My ex boyfriend challenged me recently, "Who is THIS person showing up in a relationship?" We were talking about when I'm ready to be in a relationship again, what kind of person will I be? The answer is THIS person now. Not the person before. And that has to be the case for the rest of my life. The person showing up NOW is the person who is creating all of these opportunities. Over the summer, when I talked to the psychic at the K Spa, he said that what you do to your body has immediate effect and makes an imprint on your DNA in that moment. So if you conceive, that child born is a snapshot of that exact moment. And you can change that imprint from moment to moment. I didn't think of it this way at the time, but it's an excellent metaphor for every moment of your life. What I am doing now is affecting what I am conceiving for myself - my own perception and reality. I can change it for the better and for the worse in the moment. It's only one instant away to make it better - and to pull away from my true purpose. That's so profound because that means that you can recover from mistakes quickly. Just make the right choice. Get back on the horse. Don't keep making bad choices, choose differently.

The person I am now is going to show up throughout this year. The person who wrote that play. The person who got that job. The person who got rehired and then got a triple bump in credit. The person who joined a theatre company and started affecting change. The person who made his nephews laugh and made an impression that his niece and nephews can't stop wanting to be around him. The person who made a lasting impression on his students this semester. THAT'S the guy showing up every day. And that guy was a result of the person who had been showing up before that. So this year's going to be great because I'm going to keep going.

So where am I going? I don't know. But I know that I'm progressing. I know that this next year will be one of growth, progress and expansion. It will be on of learning. And I will continue creating work that means something to me and that will result in more opportunities because that's what feels right instinctively.

My intention is expansion.
My intention is trust.
My intention is happiness.
My intention is to work.
My intention is more.
My intention is adventure.

I am grateful for a week off.
I am grateful for a change of location.
I am grateful for my teas.
I am grateful for a new running sweatshirt.
I am grateful for hugs.
I am grateful for moments with the three munchkins who remind me to be open.
I am grateful for sweet, small memories.
I am grateful for strong friendships with people who live far away.
I am grateful for hope.

Where I've Been

I'm rushing around before I leave town tomorrow for nine days in Portland with my brother and his family for the Christmas/Hannukah holiday extravaganza. When I got my haircut yesterday, I started to get a scratch in my throat! Fuck! Don't tell me I'm getting sick! I had to go to the local supermarket to get some Odwalla C-Monsters and some OJ. I'm also taking my zinc like a mad man. Well, I am shopping when I run into a woman who looks familiar. Blond, older, very pretty. We pass each other. Then we both look back.

I ask her, "Is your name, Mary?"
I told her my name and she smiled. This woman was active in the family ministry in my childhood parish. She remembered me and my family. We talked about my Dad and what a sweet guy he was. I always laugh when people say what I sweet guy my Dad was because he was very tough and not really the nicest guy. I laugh because I'm becoming my Dad. I have great affection and love for my friends. But I'm a tough cookie. That's my father's legacy.

This week, my manager had to negotiate my deal to go back on the show. We didn't get everything we wanted. But I got a major title bump, which will help me for future negotiations. I had to give up a teaching gig because of the show. And I'm waiting to find out if I'll be teaching at all next term. But I have learned to fight for what I want - and that's my Dad. My Dad's voice is the one that says, don't stop fighting and fuck 'em if they don't give you what you want. My Mom's voice is the one that makes sure the work gets done. My Dad talked a big game and my Mom delivered and persevered. I need both. Mom never believed she could do everything she could do. And Dad didn't follow through on his potential, but he thought he knew everything. And you need that in this business. Whether or not it's true, you have to believe that you know everything.

So back to Mary in the supermarket - we had a nice interaction. I saw her husband and I met their youngest son, who was a baby when I was in high school, so I never knew him. Apparently, he went to Harvard (according to my brother). I got a bit of the Ivy League vibe from him. I'm used to it. I'm friends with a lot of smart people and a lot of Ivy Leaguers, actually. When I got home, I kept replaying that scene in my mind of walking up to Mary and introducing myself. I realize that it does feel good to see people who knew you when you were a kid and to feel like you've done something with your life. Not that I live my life for others - my Dad taught me not to do that. But it helped me reflect on this past year.

I had dinner with a bunch of friends last night. Our waitress asked my friend Cory and I about our group because we seemed to have a good energy. He told her that we were all playwrights and good friends. Most of us are working in television/film as well. It was great to be with a group of people, who I'm connected to, but who are also connected to each other in other ways. Everyone at that table had a long history with each other - and our collective successes are a result of a lot of hard work. And none of that success happened for any of us in our 20s - and for some of us not even in our 30s. It was such a reminder of what happens when you stick to what you love doing and when you find a way to make money to continue doing what you love. I looked around that table and saw successful, happy people doing all sorts of great creative things. Some of us teach and some of us work for big franchises and some of us have development deals and some of us work for streaming and others work on network shows. We're all good people and we're all of the theatre. Something about sitting at that table made me feel like I had comrades. It made me feel like there's a seat for me at the table if this is the company I'm surrounded by. That was a nice way to end the year.

This has been an incredible year professionally for me. Last year at this time, I was dead broke, hoping that I could stretch my finances into the early part of the year when I would be then getting paid. I knew I had a teaching gig lined up. But I didn't have anything else. I did not know what the year was going to offer me and I just went into the new year with an open heart. Now I know that was the right approach because the Universe dreamt a bigger dream than I could for myself. I didn't hitch all of my hopes and dreams on one opportunity. At that point, I did know that the show was a possibility. But even then I was told not to get my hopes up. So I didn't.

I want to remember that for this next year. A lot of great things happened and I'm walking into the new year with a job. By the time I reach my next birthday in February, I will have had two TV jobs and gone from Staff Writer to Co-Producer. This birth year was the year I got my first TV gig and became a Co-Producer. Holy shit! I wrote the best play I've ever written this year as well. And it might be the play that defines this next period of my career. If I've learned anything over the past two years, it's that you can't predict what hits or doesn't hit. But that play has an authenticity in its voice that is so me. It's loud and it's insistent and it's annoying. It doesn't let go. The good thing is that I've kind of forgotten about it for the time being because nothing's happening with it right now. The play is in an incubatory period because it is being read by a bunch of places. The psychic I met at the Korean Spa in June said that my pilot was the thing that was going to make everything happen for me. I actually think he was talking about the play. That play's got a lot of energy. The pilot was what we talked about, but I was also working on the play at the time. If he's right, that means that 2017 is going to be crazier and busier than 2016. I already had to let go of one job for other things to happen. I might be letting go of my other teaching job as well. I don't want anything to hold me back and if those two classes are sandbags and I need to go higher into the stratosphere, then I'm ready to cut the rope.

My intention is love.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is growth.
My intention is celebration.
My intention is work.
My intention is magic and intuition.
My intention is 11.

I am grateful for friends.
I am grateful for colleagues.
I am grateful for compadres.
I am grateful for community.
I am grateful for possibility.

2016 Recap: Reflections on an Incredible Year

The year I've had has been incredibly well documented on this blog. My Creativity has literally been documented in Real Time. As I prepare for what it shaping up to be an incredibly productive, busy and exciting year, it's that time to recap. I feel like I'm doing my own "Best Of" list for 2016. I suppose the best way to do it is a list and then to reflect on each of those things:

• First Staff Job - I suppose the most obvious thing to put on this list is that I became officially a professional paid writer this year. I spent most of 2016 working on this show and producing my three episodes. What I learned this year is that I can do this. I always thought I knew I could do it, but the honest truth is that I didn't really know until I started doing it. I always wanted to teach - and when I first taught university five years ago, I hoped that it would work out because I had a desire to do it. I feel the same way about writing for TV. I always had a desire to do it, but I didn't actually know. As I get ready for my second season on the show, I walk in with knowledge on how to do the job. I have confidence in what I am capable of doing. I had so many "I don't know if I can do this" moments working on the show. I remember the first time sitting in video village and just sitting there, watching everything unfold. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing so I had better just shut up and listen. And I did that for a couple of days, then I started getting pulled in and more involved. And then I started doing things because they were asked of me. I was asked my opinion, so I had to give it. I was asked to help rewrite something, so I did it. That made me pay more attention and give my feedback when it was time to do that. It was trial and error, like everything. But I came through and I did it. And it was incredible. And I'm ready to do it again.
• Joining the WGA - This was completely unexpected. I thought that because we were a "web series" officially that I wouldn't get enough credits to join the union until the next gig. But I wrote two half hour episodes (that were later expanded into three episodes) and that got me into the WGA. I sat in a room last weekend with other new members of the Guild and I listened to how important being a part of this community is. I realized that I had done something that so many people want to do, but never get the chance to. It's an incredible honor that I take incredibly seriously. I'm really honored by it and it was the perfect end to my year. I'm excited to start contributing to my pension and to start setting up a financial future for myself.
• Regular Teaching Gig - I was teaching Playwriting at SDSU for a friend on maternity leave when I got the TV gig. I had a regular gig and then I got asked to teach in the Fall. And then I was asked to teach two classes in the Spring Semester. Then I got another gig to teach at another school in the Spring as well. As of this typing, I'm still figuring out if I can do all of it. Two years ago, I was applying for teaching jobs and wanting so badly to get employed somewhere. For years, I was trying to get in to a university to teach. And now, it feels like I've got people wanting me for jobs. I'm trying to find a way to balance the teaching and the writing. But maybe the teaching needs to fall by the waist side for a bit. I don't know. I'd like to think I can do it all, but the logistics might be completely out of my hands. Teaching helps me give back. Teaching reinforces what I know and it makes me a better writer. But maybe I've learned everything I need to learn from teaching for right now. I know that I can leave the doors open and come back to teaching when I want to. I'll be in demand because of the work I'm doing. But there are personal reasons I'm trying to keep all three of my jobs.
• Writing my best play so far - In September 2015, I had the final reading for a play I had been working on since February of that year. I went through 11 or 12 drafts of this play. It had been all that I worked on all year - and I was starting to hear from colleagues that this was THE play of my career so far. I couldn't listen to any of that and I started working on another play. When I brought in some pages for my writers group, I got an enthusiastic response. That encouraged me to keep going and I finished a full draft of this new play in February 2016. When I heard it, I knew there was something there. I sent it to the head of the writer's group and he flipped. We immediately started talking about a workshop. Then the company committed to the workshop and then the company committed to me as a new member. We did our workshop in August 2016 while I was also finishing up production on our show. I did some serious rewrites and was getting really engaged in the work. We had an incredible cast that was assembled by my incredible director and the workshop was a dream. Now THIS was the play that everyone started talking about. And I started another new play because I couldn't listen to all of the hype. I don't expect that play to be better than this one. I didn't expect this play to be better than the last one. I had to write it. I have to write this new play. That's all I'm trying to worry about. This new play I'm writing is going to be a mean little play. I try to find a challenge each time I work on something new. Because of the size of the play - and the next one I want to write - they feel more producible. But I didn't give a shit about producibility in the last two plays and I don't care about it now in these next two. These are just the stories I want to tell. I write plays because I realize that my voice is not being heard in the theatre and it needs to. Would I like my plays produced by all the big theatres in the country? Sure. But as a new acquaintance said to me recently, "Working in TV takes the pressure off of getting my plays produced." I get that. I have a completely different attitude about getting plays produced. That doesn't mean that the plays are bad or that I stop caring about people hearing them. But it feels like the path to production in theatre is narrower than my ability to work in other mediums. I also am learning that just because a play doesn't get produced - or doesn't get produced right away - doesn't make it a bad play. I write plays because I have something to say. Or I have something to say about a subject that's familiar that is unlike what other people are saying on the subject. But just writing this play has been one of the biggest accomplishments of the year.
• Joining a Theatre Company - This was something I never even thought to dream about. I liked the idea of being a part of a theatre company. I thought that the only way for me to do that was to start my own. But I didn't know how that would happen and I don't know if I had the time to start something from scratch. This was an experience where people liked my work and my personhood and then wanted me to join their merry band of misfits already in progress. I'm humbled by it because I finally got something I wanted last year when I almost got a literary manager job at a theatre out of town. Thank God I didn't get that job. I started to talk myself into that job because I felt that I needed to be a taste maker in the American Theatre. It needed someone like me - and it still does. But now I can be a taste maker in my theatre in LA. I don't need to be anointed by the AT. They don't give a shit about me. I've been kicking around for awhile. The irony is that they might care about me more the more I accomplish as a TV writer. But being a member of our company means something to me. And taking part in what we do as a company - being a part of that community - means something to me. I have real influence and say in what we do as a company. It's amazing.
• Producing - I helped produce a festival and I'm going to be producing two workshops and at least one reading for the theatre company. I wrote our annual fundraising letter. I'm running our writer's group for the first four months of next year. I stood behind a camera and produced my TV episodes. I'm getting involved in producing again and that excites me. I'm learning a lot about how both TV and plays are produced.  This has lead to the next thing - 
• Realizing I Want to Direct - I have nothing on this other than the fact that I want to do it. I had to co-direct my short play in our festival. I decided I wanted to direct a play workshop and then my friend Cory said I should direct his workshop. And that blew me away. So I'm doing that in June 2017. Being on set, I realized that when I become a showrunner, I want to start directing as well. I know it's a path to directing that's available to me. But I want to start preparing for it by directing other things. I don't know if I would direct a full-length play any time soon, but I know how to work with material and I have a visual sense. I also forgot that I used to be a choreographer in college. I can stage things. I took a directing class in college and didn't feel I did very well at it, so I have been afraid of directing ever since. Yet, I directed by senior showcase in college (a long time ago) and I produced that myself. I've been prepping for this for a long time.
• A Break Up - I ended a relationship on January 4th and then everything good that happened this year happened. I'm slowly trying to have a friendship with my ex. I'm learning a lot about putting my feelings forward and not being afraid to be vulnerable. I have great affection for my ex, but I am no longer in love with him. I couldn't say that for most of the year. I'm not in love with him any more, but I have care and respect for him. I care about what happens to him. I care about his well being. But it is no longer any of my concern.
• Getting a Manager - I got new representation this year. And things are not moving as fast as I want them to, but maybe that's okay. I'm creating work. I've got work. And I'm learning things that are becoming excellent skills for me. Much like I'm building a financial future with the Guild, I'm building a TV career with my manager. We're putting the building blocks together. I'm incredibly excited about this next year to come. I feel like I have support around me to start making things happen.

Again, this has been an incredible year. So many things have happened. And I'm still at it in the last two weeks of this year, trying to finish one more script. Whatever strides I make on the pilot and on the new play will have to carry me through until the Spring. I have a play challenge in February that I may or may not participate in. I don't know how I'm going to do it if I do. The great thing about having a theatre company is that I have resources available to me. I don't need this play challenge any more. And I"m thinking that some things in my life will have to shift. I may have to give things up to allow new opportunities to come my way. But in the mean time, I'm going to try and say YES to as many things as I can. But I'm also going to try and learn when I have to say NO. What an incredible position to be in.

My intention is growth.

My intention is flourishing.

My intention is expansion.

My intention is awareness.

My intention is happiness.

I am grateful for friendships.

I am grateful for a busy calendar.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for my optimism and its longevity.