I Am Ali Macgraw

Am I comparing myself to a 76 year-old former celebrity actress and ex-wife to Steve Macqueen and Bob Evans? Yes. Here are the ways we are similar: she lives a quiet spiritual life and has her hair up in a bun, looking more earth mother than glamazon. And that probably describes me in a lot of ways.

I was just watching a re-run of Super Soul Sunday from last year with Ali Macgraw. As I was watching the episode, I listened to her answers to Oprah's questions. I had watched this episode when it first aired a year ago. And I was surprised that much of what Ali was saying to Oprah reflected where my life was now. Maybe I had watched this interview and internalized some things. Maybe Ali Macgraw is a spiritual teacher to me. But as I watched this woman, full of humility and entirely human and flawed, talk about the things she knew and how she lives I thought that I must have paid attention to her last year.

Gratitude. She speaks constantly about being grateful for her life. Throughout the episode, she talks about being grateful for the simplest of things. I have focused a lot on gratitude in the past year or so and have used this blog as a way to express my gratitude. Gratitude has made me a calmer, more centered and less competitive with everyone around me.

Saying No. She talks about how she has stopped telling lies and just speaking her mind. When asked if she wanted to attend some fancy soiree by an acquaintance, she said "No." Not "No, thank you." No need to be polite or to make up an excuse. Just a straight up no. I love how honest that is. And I have that attitude about a lot of things these days. I say "No" a lot. And my boyfriend does a double take. Like saying no was somehow equivalent to saying "Fuck You." And it's not a "No" that's rude or a call to arms or an attack. It's just a choice, a very succinct choice.

The atmosphere of comparison. She talks about leaving LA for Santa Fe to remove herself from the pressures of the constant measuring stick mentality in LA. It's a constant "what are you doing?", "What are you up to?"situation.  The constant need to prove that you're important or are doing something that proves your worth. I can relate to this. I almost moved out of LA recently because I was feeling a pull toward somewhere calmer and more genuine. But bullshit can find you anywhere. And for me, staying in LA is about my community. I can choose the values I am willing to stand by and the people who share those values. It's not just about escape. It's about standing for what you believe in.

She talks a lot about kindness as a spiritual practice. She speaks very humbly and seems uncomfortable with the idea that she's got answers. She just lives as an example and is a woman moving through the world with awareness. That's why the lessons hit so deep because they weren't coming from a guru, just a person who lives with her eyes open and has taken time to reflect. The shock of watching the episode again was really about realizing that a lot of what she said spoke to me even deeper than it did a year ago when I probably just watched the episode out of curiosity for what she would say about Hollywood in the 70s. But today as I watched it again, I felt a lot of my beliefs were reinforced. Also, more than any other Super Soul Sunday I've rewatched, I felt like it was a marker of my own spiritual growth in the past year. That just proves that you can't be snobby about where the lessons come from. They come from everywhere.

I am grateful for reflection.
I am grateful for a weekend of quiet.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for nourishment.
I am grateful for salad.
I am grateful for Mexican food.
I am grateful for exercise.

Gratitude: Day 8

I'm on Day 8 of the Oprah/Deepak 21 Day Meditation Experience on Gratitude. Something about how being thankful improves your health. I'm down for that. Not to get all preachy or all new agey about it, but I do believe that gratitude has improved my outlook on life. I even end each of my blog posts with at least three things to be thankful for. And I try not to think about it too much. I try to just think of whatever comes to my mind the quickest.

And I've discovered that when I focus on things I'm thankful for, I think less about what I don't have. I think less about the money I don't have or the prestige or power or influence I don't have. I think about the money, prestige and power and influence that I DO have. I don't feel like comparing myself to other people because I am thankful for things in my life. I'm a lot calmer because I don't have the anxiety that comes when you compare yourself to others. I don't walk around feeling like a loser.

Gratitude. It's pure and simple.

And when I don't have the anxiety that I used to carry then I realize that I have time to do other things. Like…write. I have more time to do the things I'm supposed to do and I don't feel rushed or worried. And because I'm actually writing, the satisfaction of writing becomes my reward. I complain less. Then I do more. And when I do more, I have less to complain about. It's the opposite of a vicious circle. It's a victorious circle. I feel like a success.

Lately, I have felt like sleeping a lot more. I feel like relaxing more. And that's not making me lazy. It's not making me want to do NOTHING but sleep, but I need to rest. Then I have energy that lasts me all day along. I'm also enjoying quiet time a lot more. Am I getting old? Or am I becoming more enlightened. Or both?

I find myself not needing as much outward stimulation. I really like chilling out at home, reading a book or working on something quietly. I love cooking - but I've always loved cooking. I think I appreciate things that are quieter these days in ways I haven't before. I'm grateful for the quiet. And again, we're back to gratitude. And my gratitude makes me appreciate things that are simpler.

I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful for good conversations.
I am grateful for rest.
I am grateful for my meditation practice.
I am grateful for knowledge.
I am grateful for pozole.
I am grateful for ideas.s
I am grateful for the grace of good people in my life.

I Know What I Want

I consider myself a collaborator.

I like to think of myself as someone who likes to bounce around ideas and as someone who is open to feedback.

But I also like to think of myself as someone who knows what he wants and stands up for his work. That's a difficult balance, however. I'm also super worried about hurting people's feelings and stepping on toes. I'm worried about coming off as a complete dick.

And it seems that I've always been worried about this. When I was in college, I had a playwriting professor, who's the nicest person on the planet, give me great advice. I was worried that I was coming off as too controlling, which at 22 meant that I was. But what he said to me was, "Eric, no one cares about how the work gets done as long as it gets done. If the result is good, no one's going to care how you got there." And that always has stuck with me. Even though I still worry about it.

I am working on a project right now and I had to take care of my own voice. I had to "quiet down" and get rid of some of the "noise" I was hearing about what people thought I should do. And the end result was a truer version of what I wanted than if I had listened to everyone else. And I stuck to it. I also knew that we were in a part of the process that if I was wrong I could turn back. But I trusted my own voice. I validated myself instead of looking around the room for people to tell me my ideas were okay.

So now, we're at the next draft of this project. And I got some notes from folks. But I decided to take on the next part of this process alone. Because I have such clarity on what I want this project to be. I love hearing ideas that excite me and inspire me. But if it's not serving what I'm writing, then it's not helpful. It has taken me a long time to get to that place of being polite, yet firm.

Not that there still isn't much to discover. But the discovery has to keep us moving in the right direction.

I am grateful for my voice.

I am grateful for inspiration.

I am grateful for sunshine.

I am grateful for spin class.

Quieting Down

Quiet time helps. Me.

It doesn't help everyone. But a few years ago, I just started cleansing sound out from various activities and I have to say that it has made me a calmer person.

There are all of these self-help reference to "noise." Get rid of the noise in your life. Food noise. Money noise. Body noise. The internal, self-hating dialogue that keeps playing over and over again in your head. And I'm actually just stalking about literal sound. Just get quiet.

Now, you could say, that if you got rid of certain sounds, then you wouldn't be hearing all of that "noise" in the self-help sense. That is true.

But I started getting rid of the radio sound in my car. Turning on the radio in my car was like turning on auto pilot. I would just tune out of my own head and tune into the routine of my life. I don't remember why or how I decided to drive without the radio on. Maybe it was because my radio was broken. Maybe it was because I needed a moment to calm. And I don't even remember if it was to drive to the grocery store or to drive from LA to San Jose. But eventually, I would make those five to six hour drives in my car in complete silence.

For me, stillness was the gateway drug to meditation. I was so afraid to try meditation. Afraid that I wouldn't do it right. Afraid that I would get bored. Afraid that I would fail at meditating. So I didn't do it. For a year, I contemplated meditating. I would sit in my bed for an extra 10-20 minutes a day just quietly. I was warming up to the idea of meditation, which scared me. But the silent drives were the gateway to those quieter mornings.

I always remember loving early mornings and late nights. Because of that stillness. My mind was drawn to that quiet. Always.

Recently, I had to go out of town for a job interview. I am a very social person. I love talking to people. I love sharing stories and laughing. But I have noticed that I now like to build some quiet time in there. I had a breakfast interview for two hours. Then a lunch interview for two hours. Then a break for two hours. I went back to my hotel room, took all of my clothes off, changed into a tank top and shorts and walked around the city. Then I put my interview clothes back on and finished out the day.

Even when I'm out with friends, doing something social. I like to just fall into the background and be quiet and let everyone else talk. I don't even know if my friends notice because when I'm loud and social, you can really hear me.

But I need that silence. And now that I do meditate, it just perpetuates that need to be centered. Pico Iyer, in his recent book The Art of Stillness talks about finding stillness everywhere. On an airplane traveling. Or in the shower. There's a debate about stillness versus meditation. Or being quiet versus meditating. I do think it's all the same. I don't always formally meditate and make time for 20 minutes at both ends of my day for it. But I do spend a lot of time not talking. Maybe I need that because I'm a writer and creating takes up a lot of energy. I'm not sure. But I know I have been making a move lately just be more silent. And to sleep more. I realize that I'm able to get a lot done in a short amount of time. So that just leaves me more time for not doing things. I'm learning to feel less guilty about that.

I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for four years with one man.
I am grateful for unexpected adventures.
I am grateful for time with my family.