Quieting Down

Quiet time helps. Me.

It doesn't help everyone. But a few years ago, I just started cleansing sound out from various activities and I have to say that it has made me a calmer person.

There are all of these self-help reference to "noise." Get rid of the noise in your life. Food noise. Money noise. Body noise. The internal, self-hating dialogue that keeps playing over and over again in your head. And I'm actually just stalking about literal sound. Just get quiet.

Now, you could say, that if you got rid of certain sounds, then you wouldn't be hearing all of that "noise" in the self-help sense. That is true.

But I started getting rid of the radio sound in my car. Turning on the radio in my car was like turning on auto pilot. I would just tune out of my own head and tune into the routine of my life. I don't remember why or how I decided to drive without the radio on. Maybe it was because my radio was broken. Maybe it was because I needed a moment to calm. And I don't even remember if it was to drive to the grocery store or to drive from LA to San Jose. But eventually, I would make those five to six hour drives in my car in complete silence.

For me, stillness was the gateway drug to meditation. I was so afraid to try meditation. Afraid that I wouldn't do it right. Afraid that I would get bored. Afraid that I would fail at meditating. So I didn't do it. For a year, I contemplated meditating. I would sit in my bed for an extra 10-20 minutes a day just quietly. I was warming up to the idea of meditation, which scared me. But the silent drives were the gateway to those quieter mornings.

I always remember loving early mornings and late nights. Because of that stillness. My mind was drawn to that quiet. Always.

Recently, I had to go out of town for a job interview. I am a very social person. I love talking to people. I love sharing stories and laughing. But I have noticed that I now like to build some quiet time in there. I had a breakfast interview for two hours. Then a lunch interview for two hours. Then a break for two hours. I went back to my hotel room, took all of my clothes off, changed into a tank top and shorts and walked around the city. Then I put my interview clothes back on and finished out the day.

Even when I'm out with friends, doing something social. I like to just fall into the background and be quiet and let everyone else talk. I don't even know if my friends notice because when I'm loud and social, you can really hear me.

But I need that silence. And now that I do meditate, it just perpetuates that need to be centered. Pico Iyer, in his recent book The Art of Stillness talks about finding stillness everywhere. On an airplane traveling. Or in the shower. There's a debate about stillness versus meditation. Or being quiet versus meditating. I do think it's all the same. I don't always formally meditate and make time for 20 minutes at both ends of my day for it. But I do spend a lot of time not talking. Maybe I need that because I'm a writer and creating takes up a lot of energy. I'm not sure. But I know I have been making a move lately just be more silent. And to sleep more. I realize that I'm able to get a lot done in a short amount of time. So that just leaves me more time for not doing things. I'm learning to feel less guilty about that.

I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for four years with one man.
I am grateful for unexpected adventures.
I am grateful for time with my family.