I am Latino

I have been Latino my whole life.

But it hasn't been until now that I really felt embraced. As a member of the Writers Guild, I have the opportunity to attend different meetings for various groups I belong to. In addition to being Latino, I am gay and Asian. So I attend the Latino, LGBT and Asian Writers Committees. The group that's the best organized is the Latino Writers Committee. I've been attending the meetings for the past several months and I've been going to their events as well. So far I have attended a Meet and Greet with Current Executives and with Showrunners. I have gone to a gathering with CBS Studios executives as well. I am learning the landscape as I attend these various meetings. I'm beginning to understand my place within these groups.

I know that the older generation has a different agenda than I do. Their experiences are different from my own. I know that the women have a different experience than I do. And I find myself gravitating towards the gay Latino male writers. We have even decided to start meeting up together. I struck up a conversation with another gay Latino writer after the CBS event, which may or may not be flirting. But I've never had the experience of feeling like these people were mi gente. And even with the limited Spanish I speak, writing something like mi gente (my people) makes me feel closer.

I struggled with whether or not I was a Latino writer because I don't always write about Latino things. And sometimes I do. But I never felt like my experience was rooted in any real Latino experience. What does it mean to be Latino anyway? I feel like I've struggled with that for a long time. I don't speak Spanish. I don't have a Mexican last name. I started using my Grandmother's maiden name as my middle name about two years ago I think. I think that the Pacific Playwrights Festival two years ago was when I decided to add her maiden name to my name. And that festival is coming up this weekend. That's really the moment when everything changed - the moment when I decided that I would use her maiden name in addition to my last name. I wanted people to see that I am both Asian and Latino. I embraced my full identity then. And it has had major resonance since. I have only gotten jobs in TV after using this new name. I have been introduced to major circles with this new name. It's like I wasn't embracing who I fully am before this.

I remember having the conversation with my Mom about it. The thought occurred to me one day and I felt like I needed to run it by her. Of course, she thought it was a wonderful idea. I talked to my friends. I talked to my brother. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. And when I saw it written out on a name badge for the first time, I thought - "This is me." I am an Angloized Mexican Chinese American Man. This represents everything I am about. You look at my name on a script and you get a large part of my story without having to talk to me. It's efficient.

I was so used to people meeting me and looking at me and asking, "What are you?" Some people are offended by that question. I have to admit I was never fully offended. I thought it was a little rude. But I understood that people couldn't place me. And now I embrace that. I'm not categorizable. I'm not easily put into a box. I used to fight that. And now I embrace it. I am three different minority groups. I have been anglofied by my experiences. But that does not mean I am white. It does not mean I am white. I am very clear on that. I am brown and yellow and lavender. And I am a bunch of other things because those colors have mixed and separate from those colors.

But being Latino matters to me. Because I have a Chinese last name I haven't felt as embraced. Because I don't look Latino to everyone, I have felt like I've been excluded from that identity. Although, if people ask me if I align with one side over the other, I would admit that I feel more Latino. I don't know if that's wrong to say or feel. But it's the truth. My grandmother was a huge influence on me. So it makes sense that I would use her last name.

I met with a manager a year and a half ago who said that I carried a lot of baggage with me because I used to work for this well known person in the industry. He said that because of that people would be looking at me a certain way and that it was detrimental. He thought I should use a different name. I said I already was using my Grandmother's maiden name. He thought I should drop my last name. It was the most cynical conversation. So I had to deny my experiences and my identity in order to prostitute myself to work in the industry. A month and a half later, I was working under my full name.

No one's an asshole intentionally. I guess some people who are really mean are. But most people aren't. They're assholes without realizing it. And this guy was being an asshole. He had been a friend. We knew each other as assistants. He was very successful and on the surface was a really nice guy. But he said a total asshole thing to me - as an "expert." But what I learned was that he wasn't an expert on me. I am an expert on me. He offered an opinion "as a friend." And that's when we're the most vulnerable. When someone comes to us "as a friend" because they're "just looking out" or they "only want to help." I invited him into my circle of trust. I reached out because I wanted advice, so I put myself in that position. I was a few days fresh out of a relationship, so I was really vulnerable. And then he dropped that bomb on me - no one's going to want to work with me because I've got baggage, so I need to do something about it if I even want to work.

The truth is that he knew me for a long time. And he's got the baggage. He didn't know me anymore, however.  And I became a better writer in the time since that meeting. If I had listened to him and given up, I would have been in a much different place. I got hired to work on my first show a month and a half later. I am teaching under that full name. I am living and existing under that full name. I am living my full self.

Yes, I am feeling more connected to my Latino side than ever. But that's the side that has gotten the least amount of press. Because I have signaled to the world that I am also Latino, I have been embraced by that side. And by nature, we're a warm people who believe in family. We embrace each other as family because of shared experiences. We're a loyal bunch. And we believe in raising each other up. We're going to be a strong force in the world because we believe we need to stick together. I'm feeling that energy a lot right now.

If I hadn't signaled that part of me, I wouldn't be embraced. It's weird that it takes something like a last name for people to believe you. But I no longer have to explain that I am ALSO Latino. It's right there when you read my name badge or see my name on a script or hear me introduce myself. And every time it appears or is heard, I am proclaiming myself to be. I am claiming who I am. I am acknowledging the fullness of who I am. And for that I am successful.

My intention is fullness.
My intention is to be everything.
My intention is embracing.
My intention is growth and expansion.

I am grateful for mi gente.
I am grateful for new friendships.
I am grateful to love all parts of myself.