It's Spring and I still feel like hibernating.
As I'm getting older, I'm embracing the writer/loner/curmudgeon in me. I have to be a social butterfly on set. But the more I have to show up in my life, the more I need time to not show up. I need my alone time now more than ever. I often wonder if that feeling will ever plateau. Because being alone and spending time up in Portland doing nothing but reading books and hanging out with my niece and nephews is sounding more and more attractive - as long as I have an endless supply of money to live on.
(smiles)
Isn't that always the catch? I work because I have to and because I love to. I would be a mess if I wasn't a creative collaborator. I love hanging with my actors on set. I love flirting with the PAs and complaining about eating too many cookies and chips in the afternoon. I really do love it. I love having my headphones on set and chatting with my director about certain shots. I really love production. It's lonely to be a writer and have to force yourself to get shit done.
Yet...I love being by myself. I need to recharge. On Saturday, all I wanted to do was sleep in (7:45 AM is sleeping in for me - that's sad). I didn't do any work but I went to a party, to dinner and then to see a show with friends. On Sunday, I went to a Korean Spa and worked on some revisions for my pilot I've been revising for forever. And now I'm at a different K Spa waiting for my lunch and working on the same project.
I need to plan my next trip. I went to Vancouver last month, but any relaxation I felt from that was quickly swallowed up by having to head back to work for an emergency week and a half in the writers room. But that trip was pretty glorious. I explored a city I didn't know very well. I had lunch by myself while my best friend was at work. I hung out on her set while she was working. It was a pretty great trip.
The guild might be heading toward a strike and a big part of me is excited about a break, if that happens. I'm still teaching, which is both providing me with a steady income and preventing me from getting rest or having downtime. But I have to remember that I HATE downtime. I'm much better complaining about having too much than having too little to do. I'd love to go straight to work after the semester is done at school. I'd also love to have the strike to get some stuff done and to get on a show in the summer.
I'm so indecisive when it comes to what I want to do next. I could take a break and go see my brother and his family in Portland. I could also go up to SF and catch up with friends. I have these fantasies about going to SF for an extended period of time and seeing shows in Berkeley and the city and going to see friends in Santa Clara. Having great dinners over with pals. I have these intense fantasies of a leisurely writers life - with a trust fund.
The psychic told me almost a year ago that I would be busier than I thought possible. And at some point I'd take a break and be financially stable enough to do that. The truth is, I love the action. This is what I've wanted my whole career - to have a lot of balls in the air. I can't complain because I've got too much to do. But it was great to just have a Saturday to see friends and to hang out. But it's great to have the whole day on set and to feel like my presence matters. It's also great to have the freedom to head to the K Spa on a Monday and work before I have to head to a meeting for my theatre company.
I shouldn't complain. So I won't.
My intention is grace.
My intention is gratitude.
My intention is to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is patience.
I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for the day to work on my pilot.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for things to look forward to.
I am grateful for income.
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