I probably didn't get a job I really wanted and I'm not that upset about it. Not in a "fuck them" sort of way. Or in a Pollyanna "that's life" way either. It's all of this damn gratitude work I'm doing. There's this well worn trope that says that we need to redefine our idea of success. It sounds so cheesy. Because...how the fuck do you do that? But that's exactly what I did. The success isn't getting the job. The success is doing all the work to get the job. It's knowing that I opened my heart and spoke from a real place of vulnerability. That I can do that in a Hollywood meeting is a great success. That I'm not afraid to express myself is a great success. I can appreciate that.
I know I gave good meeting. I know that I have the depth of character to write a show like that. But I didn't get it. And I have a job that starts at the end of the month that I have to prepare for. I'm a professor and I get to go back to that. I could be disappointed that I didn't get this job, but that means I get to spend another week in Portland with friends and family. I get to go to my nephew's dance performance tomorrow. And I get to go to the coffee shop with my niece and sit side by side doing work. I get to go hiking on Saturday and baby sit on Saturday night while my brother and sister-in-law go out of town. I get to have a three way on Monday (and hopefully Tuesday and Wednesday). I get to be in town a little while longer researching this new project. I get to act as though I live here and absorb everything I'm experiencing and use it as material. As Nora Ephron said, "Everything is copy."
Here are my successes:
- I decided three years ago that if I wanted to be a TV writer, then I had to give myself the schedule of a TV writer. So I started writing all of the time. And I moved from project to project.
- I kept an office for six months that year (2014). And I wrote.
- I wrote five scripts that year - proving that I could be self motivated.
- I said yes to being my friend's on call sub that year. I think she called me four times.
- The following year, I spent eight months working on one script.
- I stood up for myself and made a lot of demands of a lot of people. I was a pain in the ass.
- The play reading and workshop were both successful and cited as a model of what to do.
- Because I worked on one script all year, I wrote two more scripts in the last three months of the year.
- I wrote 2000 pages that year. Up from 1000 the year before.
- The next year, I decided to focus more on myself.
- I got my first TV job.
- I got to be on set and produce.
- I got noticed.
- I joined the WGA.
- I was asked to teach one course that spring and then I was put on the schedule on my own that following fall.
- I started co-running a theatre company. I made new community.
- When the show came back this year, I was made a Co-Producer.
- I taught two classes this past winter and spring.
- I rewrote a script I had been working on for a long time.
- And I got a meeting on a show.
All of those other things led to where I am now. And it started over three years ago! It wasn't the year after my Dad's death or eight years ago. It took awhile. But everything I've listed above has to do with where I am not.
My intention is to listen.
My intention is to pay attention.
My intention is effect change in what I do.
I am grateful for the ability to be grateful.
I am grateful for a quiet and dark house.
I am grateful that I can get work done.
I am grateful for the good people in my life.
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