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Right now, Hollywood seems like a pretty fucked up place to want to work. You've got to do all of this work for free in order to get a shot at something. And you've got to have the right sample - or four of the right samples for any given situation (procedure, light drama, soap, genre, etc.). It's like throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. I know a lot of writers like this.

I don't want to be a writer like this.

Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?

I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.

I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.

Does that mean I should give up?

I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.

I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.

And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.

And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...

TO BE LOUDER

I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.

My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.

My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.

I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.