I love quiet mornings.
For the past five weeks, I have gotten up at 5 AM, left the house by 5:30 and gotten to the gym by 6:15-6:30. I have worked out at the gym, showered and headed to Whole Foods to have soup for breakfast. I would read at a table there or answer emails and then wait until 8 AM to head into my office and get more work done until we got started in the room at 10 AM.
What that means is I go to bed around 11 PM or earlier and wake up in a state of quiet and darkness. Then I drive silently or with a podcast to the gym. Even with music on at the gym, I don't talk to anyone and I go through my gym routine. The whole morning is like a meditation usually until I get to the sauna at around 7:15 when I end up talking to people. But even with that, I'm pretty quiet until I step into the office around 8:15-8:30. But by that time, I have had three hours to myself.
When I get to the gym, I plan on working my body out pretty hard. I took it pretty easy in the first few weeks because I didn't really know what my body was capable of. So I didn't leave the gym particularly sore. But as I've been going and finding out that my body is capable of so much more, I have been pushing it. And I enjoy pushing myself past my limits to the point where I have to vocalize:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I used to think the guys who did that in the gym were pretty silly until I started doing it. It doesn't seem all that silly to me any more. It means I can't help myself and I need to grunt in order to push harder. I'm also talking to myself a lot at the gym. Sometimes, that's working through ideas in my head for whatever episode I'm working on or for the script I'm working out on the side. And sometimes I'm trying to get that 8th or 9th or 10th rep in - and that's all I'm thinking about.
The working out and the stillness of the early part of my day help my mind open up. Yes, the working out five days a week for five weeks has had a physical effect. My friend Jen told me at drinks the other night that something was new about me. I had a new confidence and charisma. I have swag, apparently. But I also think that swag comes from being more confident in the room this year. I think it comes from juggling two jobs. I think it comes from mentoring two of our younger writers. I think it comes from maybe feeling like I'm fitting in my clothes better - and that has been going on for at least six months.
I bought a jumpsuit on Saturday. A man's jumpsuit in black. A man's jumpsuit - even in black - is a bold choice. I was out shopping on Saturday and walked into Zara. I looked around - I had never really explored the store much before but a lot of my friends swear by it. It's fashionable clothes at a lower price point. I don't always trust that means that things are well made. It's a few steps above H&M in quality. But way more fashionable than most brands. I saw this jumpsuit and I've always wanted one. So I decided to try it on.
To my surprise and amazement, it fit. Really well. I'm nipped in at the waist - and even though I feel personally I could lose weight there, it looked great. And even with that, I had to take a walk around the mall to contemplate. I'm not a person who ever pays retail for anything. I'll pick up things at H&M because it's so cheap, but I'd rather pay the sale price even at a good price. So I went back to the store and I tried some other things on and I bought a pair of skinny black jeans at $36 and a shirt ON SALE at $15. Plus, the jumpsuit at $120. Was that extravagant? I've seen jumpsuits at other places for $500 bucks - and those are even on sale at $300 right now. (Yes, I look on line constantly to see if the fashionable clothes I want have gone on sale. It's a side hobby.)
I bought it to stand out. I bought it because I don't want to blend in any more. And that represents a change in mentality from even a year ago. So maybe my friend Jen was right and I have more swag. I'm not hiding behind other people any more. I'm not wearing clothes I've worn for five years because I can't afford to buy new clothes. I have an attitude I didn't have before. I'm stepping forward in my life. My muscles pop out of that jumpsuit, by the way. My face has thinned out a bit. My skin looks great. My eyes are clear. I'm more awake than I've ever been. And that's not just what I eat, although I have been doing Whole 30 since last year. And the friends who may have been skeptical about it are now doing it.
My mindset has changed. Slowly. I started meditating seriously about three years ago after being totally afraid of it. I don't meditate every day, but I spend a good chunk of time alone every day. And I spend time in stillness every day. That has helped me a lot.
I have also been wearing different things to the gym. I bought running tights in July at the Nike Employee Store - for a steep 50% discount, plus no sales taxes. I bought a lot of running gear that I didn't really pull out until October. I'm even trying to be a stand out at the gym in running tights and tight t-shirts. And I went shopping last weekend to buy a bunch more workout gear. I'm changing my game up. I'm making sure I have lots of things to wear to the gym. I have quiet gym clothes - which I'm phasing out - and LOUD gym clothes.
My mind is more focused because I start out the day having accomplished something before I step foot in the office. I want to keep this routine going even as I leave the room at the end of this week. I want to get up and head to the gym first thing so that when I get home, I can have breakfast and get my day started by 10 AM. But the workout has to be the first thing I do. It has made me remarkably disciplined. Some mornings it will be a run. Others it will be a workout. Or both. But I'm getting a lot from working out every day.
How does all of this affected my writing? I feel like my rewrites have become more focused. I pick a problem or a goal and I focus on that. It's the same focus I feel when I'm doing biceps and I have to squeeze as I'm bringing the weight up to my face. I do that extra squeeze to get that muscle to pop. It's that extra push at the end when I do my chest exercises or my triceps or pull ups. It's also the focus that takes me to the gym to accomplish that day's goal. If it's arms day, I know what I need to do. If I know I have to sit and do the rewrite to do a tone pass or a pass where I make sure that we're focused on our protagonist - that's the focus of that day's work. I'm at it. Every friggin' day. The same thing with my stillness practice. Sometimes I'll read to get focused. Sometimes I'll listen to something. Sometimes I sit in stillness and don't listen to anything.
The daily practice of doing something makes me feel like it's not impossible to accomplish the goals I want to accomplish. I've been waking up every morning at 5 AM to go to the gym. Five weeks later, people have noticed a difference. Four years ago, I started the routine of going with friends to the library to write. Now I can see where that has taken me. And I've only gotten more disciplined because I know how much further I want to go. When you start doing the work, you realize how much work it actually takes to do what you want to do. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was as well.
My intention is growth.
My intention is strength.
My intention is focused.
My intention is to see.
My intention is to sit in stillness.
My intention is to know.
I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for work.
I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for routine.
I am grateful for the gym.
I am grateful for the library.
I am grateful for the coffee shop.
I am grateful for the sofa.
I am grateful for the daily act of doing something.
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