Balancing Act

I constantly have to remind myself every day of how lucky I am. That sounds crazy. But when you start achieving the things you've always wanted, it's difficult to remember gratitude. My whole life I have been used to not getting things I want and I just expected that I would continue to push myself. And often, the way I would push myself is to let myself know that I'm not good enough. About two or three years ago, I started to get real Zen about how my life and career. I calmed myself down and I started to care less about outward success. I just wanted to live my life, do my work, and let the Universe figure the rest of it out.

Then the Universe did. And I got some of the things I had wanted. Then I found myself with this real tension between letting go - which is how I got here - and then really wanting it again and trying to replicate success - which never worked. I had things and I wanted more and I wanted to grab on to it. I find myself in a space where I'm afraid I won't get the next job, which is natural of course. But I'm trying not to live in that space. Three years ago, when I didn't have any money, I lived in the space of not worrying. And I was really proud of that. I do worry less now than I used to, but I'm worrying more than when I was in that Zen place of "let it go."

I'm also trying to accept that everything has a season. And I don't mean that in some sort of philosophical sense. But every year is different. Some years I write five scripts. Some years I work on a TV show. Some years I teach. Some years I do all of those things. It has been hard to wrap my head around this year so far. Last year was such a game changer for me, that in some ways this year feels anticlimactic. But at the same time, I'm now doing what I've been wanting to do. So this year is a result of all of that hard work and game changing. Now this is my new normal.

So this year means that January through May were about being in production on the TV show I'm a Co-Producer on and teaching two classes. Now through August is about writing scripts, directing a workshop and being in pre-production for a play of mine that I'm producing. Then September through December will be about teaching again. Being so busy makes it hard to stay present sometimes. I'm trying. I'm trying not to be obsessed with the things I'm not getting done and focus on the moment.

We had a great rehearsal last night for this play workshop I'm directing. It's pretty great to sit around a table with actors and with a playwright I respect. It's great to support a friend's vision of his play. It's great to feel creatively fulfilled. And yet, I sit here trying to get work done. I'm feeling pressure to get this pilot rewrite finished that I've been trying to work on for the past several months. I'm antsy about moving on and writing the next two pilot ideas that I have. I feel weird that I haven't written a new play yet this year and most likely, I'm not going to.

But again, everything has a season. Not every year is going to be about working on a show, teaching, writing a new play, getting a bunch of my own stuff done. There will be compromises. That's the thing about having a career. Some years all I'll be doing is writing on someone else's show and banking some coin so that I can have a year where all I do is my own stuff. Some of that will be by choice and some of it will not. But as the past few years have shown, surprises can be amazing. So I'm going to go along for the ride.

My intention is openness.
My intention is to breathe.
My intention is to ride the wave.

I am grateful for the freedom I have to do many things.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for the summer.