...is the longest journey.
I woke up this morning feeling incredibly vulnerable. This was a shock to me after having a week where I felt empowered. This is a common experience for me. The feeling of invincibility followed by the vulnerability of being exposed. Friends would probably say to me, "Duh. That's what it is to be an artist. Aren't you used to that by now?"
No. I'm not.
And it feels like it's getting worse. The more vulnerable and exposed I get the harder it is to get it up to do the work. Is it supposed to work that way? Shouldn't I be energized and fortified by my journey to my truth? I don't know. I guess it takes more out of me. I guess that's why works of genius don't appear by the same artist year after year after year. That's why people take breaks.
But in this consumer culture - with more product necessary to feed the beast who's never full - that pressure to create and create and create grows more oppressive. I sound like I'm complaining. But I'm mostly grateful for that opportunity to create and grow. But sometimes it's a lot. Last month, I wrote a spec script of a show already on the air - something no one does anymore, according to "common knowledge." That's why I felt I had to do it. I wanted to write an episode of a show that I love. That was the challenge. And I knew I could write it quickly. I needed to write something quickly. So I sent it off to one of the writing fellowships run by the studios. Again, something I've been told I shouldn't have to do because I've already been staffed on a show for two years. I'm coming right off that show. It's not like I haven't worked in five years. I haven't worked in a month or two. But it's the exercise of continuing to create energy around myself. It's a strategic action. I'm turning in a rewrite of a script that I've been working on for awhile to my manager by this weekend (hopefully) - so with the one-two punch of the spec and the spec pilot, I will make an impact.
I already have two ideas for two new pilots - one half hour and one hour long. That's going to be the rest of my summer before I go back and teach in the Fall. I'm trying to get my next staff job. It feels like I'm constantly jumping through hoops. I got off this hamster wheel several years ago and now I find myself right back in the middle of it. Now, I'm on this hamster wheel as someone who has staffed. As someone who now runs a theatre company. As someone who people see as a writer and not someone's lackey. That's a huge step forward. And I have to remind myself of that constantly when I get down on myself.
It's like I make it to the next level of Super Mario Brothers and I feel like I'm starting over again. It doesn't matter that I'm at Level 47, I act as if I'm at Level 1. Now clearly there is something wrong with that way of thinking. That logic comes from the way I was raised. If you keep pushing and keep pushing, you're not going to slow down. You should never feel like you're done. And that's good training for life - you can't ever feel like you've made it. You've got to keep going. But also that way of thinking is soul crushing and exhausting. That way of thinking demands a certain sociopathic mentality - you ignore feelings to achieve. But I also think that's the business I've entered. Somehow my upbringing has perfectly prepared me for this business because I should be an unfeeling automaton who just is an achievement machine.
The kink in that plan is that I'm an emotional being. My writing has only gotten more emotional and more personal as I've gotten older. And it has taken its toll. I have become less social in a lot of ways. I need a lot more time to warm up the car that I used to. Now I think the work is better than it has ever been. But it is more of a struggle. That's not a reason to stop. But I think I need to find a way to be more efficient.
The big struggle currently - in addition to the writing - is that I've got a play I'm trying to produce with my theatre company. It's my most personal play to date. It's hugely exposing. It's doing the thing I've always been afraid to do. That entire play is me. And now I'm looking at spaces to produce it. I'm having to be non-compromising. It's all I'm thinking about when I need to be working on submissions and writing and teaching. But I can't put minimal effort into this. I have to put all of myself into it. I put all of myself into the writing of it. And it's a brilliant play. I can say that because I don't think the brilliance comes from me - it comes through me. It's a play that deserves a lot of attention. Does that mean I deserve a lot of attention? Well, as a person who loves attention, that's a dangerous tango to dance. Since the play is all me, it's hard to separate the work from the person.
And I've been having a lot of art versus commerce thoughts lately. I made this move to apply to the fellowships strictly as a business move. It's a career advancement move - it's a moving up to the next rung on the ladder situation. It's not an art move. The art move is working on this play. And the next two moves are career moves too - I'm writing pieces that are going to get me jobs. I'm looking at it as a different type of writing than the personal writing I do. I see a lot of people working consistently and I want that to be me. There are a lot of opportunities out there - more than ever, they tell us on Deadline. So why can't some of those be mine?
Today's a day where the push is hard. I have to remember that in this time in our nation's history, I have to push. I can't stop. I can't be thrown out by my own worries. Working anywhere in this business as a writer means my voice is accounted for. I have to be in the room, my Latinx brothers and sisters and my gay brothers and sisters and my Asian brothers and sisters have to be in the room. We need strength by numbers. We have to be accounted for in the statistics - we need to grow those numbers. So we need to be everywhere - kids shows, web shows, cable, network, streaming. We'd all love to work in prestige rooms, but the important thing is that we're working. That we're making that money - that we're using our rising influence to say the things that are important. We need to take that white privilege and turn it into brown, queer privilege. And then we need to be okay with continuing to share the wealth. We can't just hoard that power.
We can tell our stories by telling all stories. It's got to be a back and forth. That's why it's important that I tell my most direct story as well as the story of Dev in Master of None or the characters in my pilots. Or the characters on the show I've been working on for the past two years. Because I still exist in all of those stories - the empathy that makes up my character as a person lives in these fictional characters and expands empathy.
Okay, I feel at least a little bit better now. Onward...
My intention is expansion.
My intention is empathy.
My intention is to do as much as I can.
My intention is to expand my circle.
I am grateful for a college friend who has a space that maybe we can use for our play.
I am grateful for a grad school friend who hired me.
I am grateful for my theatre company that continues to push me.
I am grateful for people who are fans of my work.
I am grateful to have a community of people I respect.
I am grateful for the struggle and the ability to overcome the struggle.
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