There's a song in the original version of Stephen Sondheim's musical Merrily We Roll Along called "Rich and Happy."
Skies are beaming,
Future bright and prospects gleaming,
Best of all, I don't stop dreaming
Just because I'm rich
And famous
And therefore
Happy, too!
That's the idea I had about success. All of those things would make me happy.
And on the covers of magazines
And in the columns and on the screens
And giving interviews,
Being photographed,
Making all the important scenes,
And at the parties cutting capers
And on the talk shows and in the papers
And unbelievably
Happy, too!
It's like this desperate need to have these things that will validate all the choices and make you happy. I lived that life for five years as a part of a couple. And I was miserable. I was lonely. I wasn't doing my own thing. It wasn't time wasted because I experienced real heartbreak that made me evolve as a person and start to define what I wanted.
I knew I didn't want to just be the Weezy Jefferson of the operation.
And then I got in another relationship and realized that the things about me that everyone appreciates, this person felt threatened by. It made him feel like his life experience was invalidated. Then we broke up and my life changed. I suddenly had all the things I wanted in my life. I didn't have all the money I wanted. But I had the first wave of outward success. And I do feel fulfilled. I do feel confident in talking about myself as a writer. It has brought about great things.
But I still confront my computer every day and I still have to overcome my internal saboteur. I still read my Steven Pressfield books about "turning pro" and "overcoming Resistance." The fight is not over because I have success that is clear and noticeable to everyone. I still have a brother who says, "Well, this year was good. But what about next year?" I still look at my year and only see the things I haven't done instead of the great strides I have made. I still downplay.
So I know that being "rich and famous" doesn't mean I will therefore be "happy, too!" I know that being recognized as successful doesn't mean that all of my problems go away. So, as I said to my friend Carrie yesterday, I'll choose to have more money than less because I know it doesn't validate me. And I'd rather be as anxiety ridden as I always am with the ability to get out of town for a week without freaking out about money.
And right now, I'm at a crossroads. I have many things I've always wanted. I'm teaching at San Diego State for the fourth semester in a row. And I got that opportunity just by making myself available as a substitute. I have two years on our show under my belt. I'm running a theatre company where I have a production coming up and possibly another production as a director coming up. I run the Writers Group. I have a really full life with things that excite me as well as support me financially.
So what's next?
My friend Elizabeth said to me on Saturday, "You need to take it to the next level." There's a moment of time right now where diverse writers are the rage and I need to capitalize on that moment. It's a very pragmatic point of view. She also said to me once that if I want a career writing in network TV, I can do that based on my demeanor and personality. I've got the constitution for it, she believes. And she should know, she has been working in network TV for over thirteen years.
In other words, it's time to pick a lane. I need to decide on a target and head there. I need to have a clear vision. To quote Sondheim again -
A vision's just a vision
if it's only in your head.
It's with that target in mind that I'm working on a revamp of a pilot I've been working on for a minute that I haven't sent out. I've been working on this pilot for a while. I usually don't like to be working on things this long because I also know that if I sold a pilot, I wouldn't have this long. But it's a writing sample and it has to do the right things. It has to suggest story. It's a document that has to suggest that there's more story to be told based on the seeds planted in this pilot. It can be beautifully told, it can have a great plot, but if it doesn't do that thing it's not doing its job as a technical document that shows skill.
If I hadn't spent two years, but especially this last year, on the show I wouldn't have known how to do that. If I hadn't written a play that caught Elizabeth's attention to the point where she feels like she wants to help me out, I wouldn't have gotten some real practical nuts and bolts advice on how to take my career to the next place. I now have the support of some gay Latino writer brethren. I've got all of the ingredients laid out. The mise en place is ready. Now what am I going to make?
But if my goal is to make the leap to a cable or broadcast show and to utilize this moment, I have to work fast. And fortunately, I only have the summer to get this work done. I've got real time constraints here. I have the opportunity to use my ability to work fast and efficiently paired with my ability to write interesting characters and situations. This is a real Challenge - to use these three months of "free time" to get my samples done for the year. Then I have the rest of the year to revise and then try to get more work.
The target is to get on a broadcast or cable show.
My intention is to focus.
My intention is to zero in on the target.
My intention is not to miss.
I am grateful for all of the experiences that have lead up to this focusing on my target.
I am grateful for the opportunities that have got me here.
I am grateful for what I know now.
I am grateful for the time it took for me to get here.
I am grateful that I have the confidence to say what I want.
I am grateful that I can see the bigger picture and not the immediate thing in front of me.
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