Affirmations

Meditations are supposed to make you feel oneness in a zen sort of way.  For me, mantras tend to have the feel of a Jimmy Fallon sketch.  For example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAehSfA7O_8

Much more obscure European game show than Stuart Smiley.  But yes, I am good enough, smart enough and people do like me.  We make fun of affirmations because they seem like bullshit.  And no one wants to feel like they're affirming something they shouldn't affirm, like misguided pursuits or bad behavior.  But you only have the strength of your convictions and plenty of misguided people get what they want because they believe they deserve it.

My recent adventures in tarot readings reveal that I don't believe I deserve it deep down.  And at the suggestion of the tarot, I have started visualizing and meditating.  But I'm doing it in motion.  It feels good to do it.  I just do it.  And it propels me forward.  I get a rhythm going with each phrase I decide to repeat.

What happens is that I pick one phrase for half of the run, then another phrase for the other half.  I feel like splitting it in the middle tricks me into thinking that it's not that long.  And it motivates me to keep going right at the moment where I need more encouragement.  If I only use one phrase the entire time, then it feels like it drones on and on.

Tonight's phrases were:

I will tell my own story.  I will write my own story.

I will celebrate myself.

I Will Tell My Own Story.  I Will Write My Own Story.
Once I was in the Malibu Canyons on an overnight retreat with a shaman.  Long story.  But as I was up all night with people who were strangers, I met up with a guy who was essentially my doppelganger.  I believe that I met him because I needed to look myself in the mirror.  I know it sounds like hocus pocus, but I have a higher tolerance for hocus pocus than other people.  And my doppelganger basically said to me that I have to tell my story.

"When are you going to write your story?"

We were all on some sort of mind altering herb, the dose and strength depended on how experienced we were.  It was my first time (and my only time, actually) so I wasn't on anything too strong.  Just sassafras, which just opened me up and made me more spongey.  We say that kids are like sponges.  That's what I was.  I was able to experience everything head on without self judgment and without holding back.  It had cleared the passage ways.  And this guy said that I needed to tell my story.

Today, I was at a pool party for a playwrights organization I'm a part of and I ran into a friend of mine. She had attended my play reading last weekend and she asked me:

"Have you every thought about getting into TV writing?"

I hit the pause button (thank you, Kabbalah Centre).  I have a lot of experience in TV because I used to work in TV production and development.  And the truth is, I have been trying to be a TV writer for a long time.  So I could have just gone on and on about how much I know and how experienced I am in that world.  But that would have suggested that I didn't need any help and  the conversation would have ended right there.

I pressed play.  And I said that yes, I wanted to get into TV writing.  My friend had a lot of advice for me, since she just had her first TV meeting that week.  She said that the TV execs want you to have a story and they want your work to reflect that story.  I agreed with her.

The PICTURE THEY HAVE WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOU has to match your TV PILOT and that has to match THE PLAY you give them to read.  It has to tell a story.  And you have to reflect that story back to them.  You have to decide the story that you are telling and keep telling it.  It might not reflect the bigger picture of who you are, but it should represent enough of who you are.  It should be a BULLETPOINT.

My friend Josh spoke of this when we saw each other for dinner earlier this week.  Josh is an old friend who has become a skin and hair care expert who now has his own line of organic products.  And he said to me that it's about presenting yourself in a desirable way.  It has to reflect the truth, even if all the details aren't entirely factual.  I get that.

Nothing in Hollywood is real, so why should we feel bound to the factual truth.  The emotional truth and the general truth are a lot more important.  You just need to be in the neighborhood.  Actually, you could even be truth adjacent.  It still counts.

But as I walked out of my house for the run, I decided that I would express the need to tell my story and write my story as my mantra.  And I need to tell my story without hesitation.  It's harder to do than it seems, but when you keep repeating that message to yourself as you're moving forward in space, it seems to stick.

I Will Celebrate Myself

I have a lot more negative messages going on in my head than I realize.  So I just want to counter that with a positive one.  I want to celebrate all of my good qualities.  Because if I celebrate them, that means I am putting them front and center.  And if they are front and center, then others can celebrate me as well.

As I was running, the mantra became a song.  And I was running and singing it to myself.  As I was running, I felt the shame of affirming myself melt away.  I was saying "I Will Celebrate Myself" as I was running by people.  And I was not lowering my voice as I ran by people.  And that was an act of celebrating myself itself.

Every day provides an opportunity to celebrate myself.  And the more I take advantage of that, the better I will be.  It will permeate into all areas of my life.

As I was celebrating myself, I was celebrating my legs that had strength to keep moving forward.  I was celebrating my breath that I kept controlling.  I celebrated my lungs and my eyes and I celebrated my perseverance.  I celebrated that the most.  I kept going, no matter what.  And I decided to run further than I had before because I wanted to keep affirming myself and moving forward and extending my run.  I celebrated myself by continuing to run further than I had intended.

Now it's in my bones.  So I hope I continue to celebrate myself tomorrow.