Retreat Day Three: Mid Day Report

Another run this morning.
Same path, down past
the shopping center,
into a dirt path,
down the rabbit hole towards the ocean.

Ran through town and to the fancy hotel
in town.
Got lots of looks, despite
my Adidas swag
and my LA swagger.  Guess that don't
matter much here.

Snacked and ate
and had my tea
and had a great conversation about
the preciousness of words with Molly.

14 pages so far on this script.
4 more as of this morning.

Getting ready for a spa day
to write and get inspired.
I have to write a dirty scene.
Might as well
get clean first.

I am grateful for spas.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful to be here.
I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful to be taking care of myself.

Running Tour: West L.A.

I'm taking my show on the road!

I went for a run in a lovely older neighborhood in West Los Angeles, near some of my favorite Asian places to eat.

Up and down streets in a small area between Sepulveda and Westwood Boulevards.  And Santa Monica and Olympic.

Today's run wasn't as pretty as the beach, but whenever I'm running along neighborhood streets I like to imagine making a home in a lovely neighborhood.  I imagine what my life might be like.

I started thinking about success and money.  I want to have a life where I'm doing what I love and I have enough money so I don't have to worry.  But I don't want to just have enough to get by.  Living paycheck to paycheck is not for me.

I ran and ran and thought about what abundance means to me.  I think it means having a constant flow of energy that you dip into and take a part of, but that you also let go and pass on the abundance to others.  It does not mean hoarding or accumulating in order to measure yourself up.  It means sharing.  As I turned the corner, thinking about money and what is enough for me, the sky opened up.  All of a sudden blue was breaking through the thick cloud layer.  It felt like light was breaking through on my intentions.  It felt like the thick layer that has been preventing me from seeing myself was finally breaking.

Then I started a mantra:

I Work Really Hard

I have to remind myself of that because I don't always see what I am doing.  I only focus on where I want to go and lament over the fact that I'm not there yet.  But if I don't appreciate what I have accumulated, then I can't appreciate the journey and I feel like I haven't gotten anywhere.  And I have gotten far from where I started.  It goes back to my marathon training.  You run the race which is 26.2 miles, but if you're training regularly for six months you end up running over 500 miles.  It's the 500 miles which allow me to run the 26.2 that everyone sees.

I get up every morning.  And I allow myself time to wake up.  I check emails.  I write in this blog.  I watch stupid You Tube clips to wake my brain up.  Then I write.  Or I meet with a friend or colleague to talk about writing or to network or to discuss our careers.  I go for a run.  I go to the gym.  I am constantly working on honing my focus.  And, as I was reminded last month in dance class, my focus is deeper than ever.

I have to take stock in my accomplishments in order to give me the push, to remind me that I am very well-trained to run this race.

I came back from my run, sweaty and accomplished, ready to take on the day.  My eyes feel like they're about to pop out of my head.  My back feels tingly and awake, alive.  And I've got to jump in the shower because I'm having lunch with Tim.

Another Santa Monica Run

My run on the beach felt so good that I decided to go back.

I'm on a mission.  A mission for health.  A mission for strength.  A mission to discover what I am made of NOW.

My whole life I have been a fighter.  On the playground.  In the classroom.  On the mean streets of New York.  And in the topsy-turvy wonderland that is Hollywood.

And now it's a different kind of struggle.  I want the body I deserve and the life I deserve.  Running is focusing me and preparing me for that.

Again, no real affirmation yesterday.  I thought about some things, but my mind remained pretty focused and clear.  I focused on the beach ahead of me and around me.  I focused on my breathing.  I focused on my legs that felt strong.

I'm working on cutting through all of the bullshit of my life.  Running's a great metaphor for that.

I ran longer yesterday.  I ran to the Annenberg Beach House and walked around a bit.  It was really beautiful.

These runs are really clarifying.  They help me focus on what's ahead and not on what's behind me.

I'm not running this morning because my legs are tired and I've got errands to run.

But maybe I'll run tonight or just later.  That might be a nice change of pace.

What new things will I find out about myself then?

Running Affirmations on the Road: Santa Monica

I'm cat sitting for a friend of mine, so I decided to drive out to Santa Monica (not that far from where I'm staying) for a run.

Susan and I used to drive out every week when she lived in Santa Monica.  That's where these running affirmations started really because we would talk about the things we wanted on these runs.  I remember not always enjoying the running part because I could run a lot faster with more stamina than Susan.

So today I was out on my own.  I ran along Ocean Avenue at Montana down to the pier and then on the beach and back up on the ramp.

I kept waiting for the words to come.  For the affirmation to come.  Nothing came.

I just ran.  I ran fast and strong.  I let the sun pour on me.  The sweat came down my forehead and down the back of my neck.

I finished my run and I felt good.

But no words.

I think I needed to silently mediate today.  My focus was strong.  I didn't even get distracted during the run.  There were very few words I even thought to myself.  I just took everything in and I ran.

I wasn't trying to talk myself into anything.
I wasn't trying to talk myself out of anything.

I have a lot on my mind, but fortunately none of it came to me during my run.

I turned in a teaching application this morning before the run.

After the run, I went to the gym and worked out.

Then I started my day.

I think I'm going to go on a run tomorrow.  See what I hear or don't hear.

Maybe I'll run every day I'm on this part of town.

Maybe I won't have any thoughts.

That would be a real meditation.

Run Ahead

Whenever I am about to go for a run, I dread it.
The pain, the distance...
The First Step.
I put my running clothes on, trying to make
myself the most
comfortable I can be, otherwise I am going to want
to quit.  So I try not to give myself
any excuse to do that.

Once the shoes are on--
TIED TIGHT--
and the door is locked, I start walking.
My head is full of thoughts on this block-long
walk from my house to the corner, where
I see the running path, flanked by grass,
ahead of me,
inviting me,
willing me forward.

And I start.

Today, I had a burst of energy.
Maybe that's because I didn't have a lot
to eat, nothing weighing me down.
I darted down the path, almost
afraid I was going to run out
of steam at some point.  But I kept on
going,
running swiftly towards traffic,
dodging runners, cyclists, slow old people,
inconsiderate assholes who have their dogs
on a long leash, thus making it hard for me to
work my way around.

My head is up.
I am not looking at my feet.
This is surprising.
I am always looking down
At the ground
At my feet
At the painted path,
afraid to look up and see what's ahead of me.
Afraid to let people see my bright face,
the wind blowing in my hair as I cut
through.

I feel like I am running past things:
Trees, poles, houses, cars, dogs,
walking partners, scooters, street signs.

I feel like I am leaving things in my wake:
Trees, poles, houses, cars, dogs
walking partners, scooters, street signs...

other runners

memories

the past

voices

I not running towards anything in particular.
Street lights?
Forgive me.
Street lights.
The street lights help give me a bit of a push.
So does my breath.
HA.
HUH.
UH.

Or something in between.
The sound is hard.
The breath is full,
stretching my lungs past
their limits,
almost like I'm coming up
for air
even though
I am not
underwater.
But I am
pushing
pushing
pushing past
something.
The hard HA/HUH/UH
of my breathing
pushes
pushes
pushes propels
me forward.

I am running ahead.
Not in a race ahead
Akimbo?
Forward.

Go ahead.
Get ahead.
I am not in a race.
I am
just moving
ahead.
Like "ahead with the move."
I am
going for it.

I turn around.
Start walking.
Break time
(Until the next pole)

I can't believe it
I am not
stopping.
I can't believe it.

This is incredible.
I am
just moving
ahead.
I am
going forward
with my
plan.

Twenty years ago
I never looked
to the right
or to the
left
I
never saw
who was
faster or
slower
I just
went fast.
Ahead.

Running again
HA/HA/UH/HUH
that sound
is back
it means that i am
going forward again
akimbo
aja
hi-ya!
Maybe that's the sound
But harder.

There's no one in this race.
I am just running
fast and hard
feeling myself moving
through space
cutting through
space

I run fast
because I can because
I want to
because this is how
fast I can
go.  It's real fast.
I don't even need to know
my pace
because that means
having to show someone
to acknowledge
how good I did.

Then it's over.
I'm walking again--
heaving, sweaty.

The walk back is like
ice cold water.

I go inside and get some
ice cold water.
The water is better.
I cool down.

Look in the mirror.
Windblown hair
thinner face
clear eyes
focused
am I losing weight?
or is this deeper
than skin deep?
I look different
just by
running ahead,
the velocity of thinking differently.
In the blink of an eye,
a simple motion repeated
thousands of times
shrinks time
and changes me.  Like
nothing at all.

A Healthy Ego: Walking Affirmations (for Two), Part One

I've been doing these running affirmations for the past several weeks, some of which I've shared on here.  My friend Susan has been telling me that she walks in my neighborhood in the mornings, but she never calls me!  One morning, two weeks ago, she finally texted me at 7:30 in the morning.  Fortunately, I was awake and needed a kick in the ass to get my day started.  So I got up and ran up to the walking path one block away to meet up with her.  Since then, we've done it twice, the third time being this morning.

A few things about my friendship with Susan:

We've known each other since graduate school at NYU.  I met her on my very first day working as a Graduate Assistant, which meant that I got to go to school on a full ride and in exchange, I worked 20 hours a week in the Dramatic Writing Department.  So, it has been awhile.  And since moving to LA years ago, she has been working her ass off.  Recently, it has really started paying dividends.  But even with that great success, she continues to be a great, generous friend.  She's someone I've confided in about break ups, insecurities, frustrations and about life in general, both inside and outside of the business.  She's been a rock for me.

We have a history of these walks and runs that we do together where we talk about what's we're working on.  We try to move our bodies as we're trying to move our careers forward.  And sometimes, it's just cardio.  But not often.  We usually have a lot to say.

This morning, Susan texted me at about 7:45 AM:

"Walking in twenty minutes."

I woke up at 8:30.  I had a busy week writing my ass off last week for a deadline.  I was playing catch up with friends and with sleep over the weekend.  So I looked at the message and texted her right away:

"Shit!  Bummed I missed this?  Are you still on your walk?"

She messages me right away that she was running late and was heading out now.  I brushed my teeth and headed out the door.  There was Susan, with her hair up, and a headband, I think.  She was ready to move.

"I was thinking about the 'superstar' thing you said the other day..."

I told Susan that a mutual associate of ours had spoken of her very highly last week.  I had met up with this associate and we started chatting about how amazing Susan is.  The mutual friend said she wouldn't mind if I mentioned it to Susan (since she knew I would anyway) and so I did.

"...It's kind of messing with my head."

Susan went on to talk about her ego.  She didn't want to start believing her own hype.  We had gone to a progressive church together yesterday and the speaker talked about placing too much emphasis on accomplishments and believing our own hype.  I found it interesting that this is the same person basically responsible for The Secret.  But along with the power of positive thinking and the Law of Attraction, I think any idea can be misconstrued for its own purposes.  Especially when people are trying to manifest a yacht.

Susan is a humble person.  She's someone who really works to do things for other people.  We both ran programs for the NYU Writers Lab West, an alumni organization for LA-based writers.  We're both invested in community and the idea of helping other people.  While I appreciated my friend's humility, I had some of my own revelations lately and I wasn't shy about sharing.  I said something along the lines of this:

"I get it.  We shouldn't let our ego guide our lives.  But what you're talking about isn't ego.  It's accomplishment.  And sometimes, we're so used to pushing ourselves and feeling like we haven't gotten there yet, that when we do get somewhere, we're afraid to celebrate it.  And we call it ego because we don't want to be thought of as the person who's misguided and full of themselves.  We don't want to be selfish or self-involved or entitled.  We've seen too many people like that who are just full of themselves.

"But you don't want to diminish who you are.  Being a 'superstar' just means that this person sees you as a leading writer.  When you're running a marathon, at some point, a runner will pull ahead of the pack.  And right now that person is you.  You've been saying for years that you see what a Showrunner does, you've looked at the job description and you've realized that you could do that job.  Yet, you're saying you're worried about your ego.  But you know what a Showrunner is--besides an Executive Producer and the boss?  A Showrunner is a leading writer.  A Showrunner is a Superstar Writer.  So, unless you want to be a non-writing EP, you have to be a Superstar Writer first before you get to be a Showrunner."

Susan looks at me and smiles.

"Sorry," I say.  "I just get worked up."

And I do get worked up because I get it.  I have the same attitude.  My tarot cards told me (read by Susan) a month ago that I have success around me.  But I don't feel successful.  Everything is within my reach, but I don't act or feel like everything I want is within my reach.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like I'm not there yet.  The cards said I am there and I just need to see it.  That's why the dance class I took a week and a half ago had such significance for me.  (For reference, it's here: http://creativityinrealtime.blogspot.com/2013/10/im-dancer.html)  I finally saw it.  I finally experienced the feeling of being exactly who I am, in the way that I am, and understanding how beautiful and brilliant I am when I'm doing exactly everything I'm capable of.  And to realize that it's not a once in a blue moon experience.  It's a daily experience.

And that's not ego.  I told Susan that the Dalai Lama says something too:

With the realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in one's ability, one can build a better world.  According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important.  That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of one's own potential.  On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities.

If we examine our mental world, we find there are various mental factors which have both positive and negative aspects.  For instance, we can look at two types which are quite similar: one is self-confidence and the other is conceit or pride.  Both of them are similar in that they are uplifting states of mind which give you a certain degree of confidence and boldness.  But conceit and pride tend to lead to more negative consequences, whereas self-confidence tends to lead to more positive consequences.

I usually make a distinction between different types of ego.  One type of ego is self-cherishing in order to get some benefit for itself, disregarding the rights of others.  This is the negative ego.  Another ego says, "I must be a good human being.  I must serve.  I must take full responsibility."  That kind of strong feeling of "I" or self opposes some of our negative emotions.

So there are two types of ego, and wisdom or intelligence makes a distinction.  Similarly, we must be able to distinguish between genuine humility and a lack of confidence.  One may mistake the two because both of these are sort of slightly humbling mental functions, but one is positive and the other is negative.

This was what I was trying to say to Susan.  It is one thing to be humble and thankful.   But it's another thing to not appreciate your gift and to diminish it so not to appear full of one's self.  And that is a lack of confidence.  You need confidence in order to boldly do things and say things that need to be done and said.  I'm learning that lesson every day.  I am making a conscious effort to put that lesson front and center in my life. Because if I don't realize how good I am, then I don't understand the value of that gift and I give it away or I let it go because I don't understand how special I am.  And not to get all spiritual, but under valuing our God-given gifts is disrespectful.

And I don't like it when I'm full of myself, but I find it utterly offensive to be disrespectful.  But just like ego can be a trap, so can a lack of confidence and respect for one's abilities disguised as humility.

I gave Susan an earful this morning.  But thankfully, she was gracious enough to listen to me and hopefully understand where I was coming from.  That's a good friendship.

Running Affirmations: Seven

The great thing about any practice is that you can put it down for a second, then pick it right back up.  I've been busy with life shit and haven't had time to run.  The time I spent in Hancock Park at my friends' house dogsitting was affirming for me.  I had these lovely neighborhoods and beautiful homes to fantasize about and to visualize myself playing in the front lawn.
goal w
Now that I'm back in my own neighborhood, I can look out at the path that I follow and focus my energies on staying on the path.  I started out with my walk, as I usually do, and I didn't have anything that I could think of to visualize.  I started on the run and just let my mind run blank.  I didn't try to force anything.  I just let my mind go.  Then I turned around and headed in the other direction for the longer portion of my run.  Still nothing.  I felt like I couldn't even open my mouth. I was frozen.  But the running continued and I opened my mouth.  I don't remember what I said, just a lot of jibber jabber I'm sure.  I knew it would come if I kept my running up.  Finally I spoke:

The Breakthrough Can Happen Now

When I was a senior in college, I decided to put on my own show as a senior project.  Not being a theatre major per se, I couldn't do anything that was officially sponsored by the department.  My
goal was to do a show with my words and my choreography.  Even though I was a playwright, I decided not to do something as static as a play.  I called the show breakthrough because in the poems I was dancing to, I had these images of things breaking through the surface or breaking out.  That moment for me was a real epiphany of what I was capable of.

I have been working for years for that breakthrough and for various reasons, I have kept myself from getting there.  Either I didn't think I was ready or I wanted to study more or I wanted to be more certain.  But I'm learning to live with doubt.  I'm learning to live with loneliness.  I'm learning to live with myself.  Those things won't go away, I just need to co-exist with them and hope they fuel my work and feed my soul.

So as I was running and proclaiming that "The breakthrough can happen now", I remembered my fave Whitman poem, which I wrote down a few blog posts ago.  Yes, it's true that whenever it happens, "I can with equal cheerfulness wait", it's time.  I am never going to be as together as I want to be.  I'm working on being whole, but the work can help with that. So I'm ready for my long-overdue breakthrough.

And make it good, Universe.

I'm Done Waiting

That's it.  I'm done.  No more waiting.  Once I headed back to finish up the last leg of my run, I started saying "I'm done waiting."  As I ran more and more, the words picked up more urgency as I picked up velocity.  It was a real battle cry.  It was a real fuck you to the Universe.  I'm done.  I don't want to wait no more.  You've taken everything from me and I'm ready for you to give it back.  Thank you for keeping it safe and letting it accrue interest.  But it's time.  I'm done waiting.  I'm ready and full and whole into the person I know I am and have become.

Let's get to it.  Enough already.

I ran faster and faster on my way home.  Instead of getting tired and losing steam, I picked up the pace. I finished strong.  And that's how I want to be.

Affirmation Part 6

Skipped the run yesterday.  Between walking the dog I'm dog sitting and writing with my friend Larry, I didn't have time to do it.  So this morning I was determined to make it count.  I started out like I start out all my runs with a walk.  On this walk, I think about what my intention is going to be today.  The air was crisp, but warming up.  So I knew that on my run it would start to get warm soon.  I stepped out into the sunlight and started running.

The street I run on opens up to where you can see the Hollywood sign.  So I'm running towards "Hollywood."  And I thought about that.  I have been running towards Hollywood the whole time I have been here and it really hasn't gotten me where I want to go creatively.  And even that's an unfair expectation because it has machinery that is already in place that is not conducive to creativity.  Even so, I held my head high and ran towards Hollywood.  After a few paces, this was not fulfilling.  I needed to represent my creativity some how.  Then I looked up again and the Hollywood sign was obscured by a tree. Phew!  I was coming up to a major street where I knew I would be turning around and turning my back to Hollywood.  But somehow that didn't seem right either.

I crossed the street.  I want to make a living as a writer, and yet, I want to continue my artful work.  I want to be an artful writer.  I made the left and started heading back the other way, away from the Hollywood sign.  But even that didn't seem totally right.

I want to be an artful writer.

I made sure to pronounce artful and not get sloppy and accidentally say "awful."  But when you're running and trying to keep your breath and trying to articulate, it's difficult.  I needed to find another phrase.  I know I need to make money.  I know I don't want to sit at a desk and just do a nine to five gig.  I have done them and I have respect for them, but I have to find a way to sustain myself financially and have the freedom and time to write plays and other things that fulfill me.  I want to write during the day and make a living writing my own stuff in my own voice.  For television would be ideal.  But then I want to have time to write plays and scripts that I know I can sell, but that I need time to nurture without scrutiny.

Again, I'm confronted with the art vs. commerce debate.  For a split second, I remember that I'm writing about  that in my new play.

Make Money and Make Art

First it was

Make Money.  Make Art.

But that seemed like too much of a compartmentalization.  Make money, then make art.  But I know that from my art can come money.  And from my money making work, there can be art in it.  I want to cross pollinate more.

It quickly became

Make Money and Make Art.

I was running and repeating my intention out into the Universe, as loud and as articulately as I can.  I'm trying to overcome the embarrassment of speaking my intentions out loud.  I made sure I hit MONEY and ART equally as much as possible.  The breath sometimes sacrificed one or the other.  Emphasis on both is important.  And the AND is important too.  I want both to exist in a symbiotic relationship.  I can have both in moments where it seems like the focus is on one over the other.  I don't have to sacrifice Money for Art or Art for Money.  I don't want to.  Again, Money is Energy that reminds the Universe where our focus and direction is.  So getting money for artistic commissions is energy in the art realm.  Money for writing TV is energy in the realm of commercial work.  Putting them together is what gives my voice and intention real strength.

I started running on streets that were parallel to the Hollywood sign.  It was in my periphery, but not my focus.  I was aware of it, but I was not running away or toward it.  I was running along side it.

It popped in my head again--and not for a split second--that I Want It is about this intersection of Art and Commerce.  If the play becomes about my internal struggle between the two, it will have real strength.  Writing this play has really been an exercise in working from the Outside In.  I usually work from the Inside Out.  Going through this process of being given a theme has really helped me.  It has been a lesson in patience.

I got the criteria for the commission and just thought about it.
I thought about Altman.  I thought about his films.
I remembered that I had that oral biography and I started reading it again.
Then I went to the County Library site and looked to see what films I could get my hands on.
I checked out the ones that were available and requested the ones that needed to be requested.
Then I started a journal so I would be writing to start the process.
Watched films.
Wrote a bit about them.
Came to the idea of Advertising as a setting.  I wanted a big world.
Then I came to the concept of Creation.
Art.  Commerce.

I'm running and becoming stronger in my stride as I repeat

Make Money and Make Art

This Art and Money conversation has been running in my head personally for a long time.  But in writing this play, I've been thinking about it every day.  I think about it in terms of what I'll be doing for work.  So living my life and answering the questions set before me is really the process of working on this play.  There isn't a moment I am not working on this play.

That take me back to something my first playwriting professor and mentor, Erik Ehn said to me:

"Make everything you do writing.  And you'll always be writing."

I think even back then, as a young student, I worried about my focus being taken away from my work. But if everything you do is an offering to your work, then you never lose focus.

The words take a sharpness, a determination.  They have a definite rhythm.  The intention is clear.  My eyes are wide open.  My breath is deep and strong to give me the power to say these things.

Make Money and Make Art

The words are an engine that keeps me moving fast.  It's better than the music I used to listen to on my iPad.  I remember the power of words.  They have a strength.  They can shape your reality because they reflect what you think.  They have belief in them.

Again, I go back to I Want It.  The play is about how a few simple words organized in a certain fashion can change destiny.  Words have belief because we put our faith in them.  We believe what we hear and what we read.  We believe what people tell us, whether it's Mom or McDonalds.

I LOVE YOU.

I'M LOVING IT.

JESUS SAVES.

JUST DO IT.

I WANT IT.

They are slogans.  All of them are slogans.  They constitute and reflect a certain belief system.  In just a few words, we change direction.  It's amazing...the power of words.

I believe the power of a great idea is that it expands and keeps expanding the more air it has.  The more time it has to breathe.  The more time it is spent exposed.

I run and barely stop. I have energy in me.

I get back and I start making a juice.

Ginger
Cucumber
Celery
Pineapple
Cantaloupe
Lemon

I'm trying to purify myself.  Get rid of the toxins.  I have this great thought in me, this great energy, and I just want to have the purest environment possible.  I'm cleansing myself through thought and now it's time to cleanse myself through nourishment.  As I put the veggies and fruits through the juicer, I keep talking

Make Money and Make Art

I think about things. But mainly I just push the veggies and fruits through, listen to the sound of the juicer juicing.  White noise.  I pour the juice out.  I clean the juicer parts.

And I feel my body purifying itself.  I feel my mind clearing.  I drink the nourishment, the love, the caring, the looking after, the clarity...and I let my body purify itself.  It's better than communion.  It's a real purification and not just a symbolic one.

Make Money and Make Art

That seems like a good mission.  I will make sure to do both.

Affirmations: Parts Four and Five

I ran a marathon about six years ago.  It was the first and only marathon I've ever run.  And it's only the only marathon I've ever run because I'm a jack ass.  After running the marathon in Florence (yes, Italy), I knew that if I didn't start training for the LA Marathon four months later, I wouldn't run another marathon for a long time, if not ever.  And I was right.  

So running has come back to me.  I have always loved it.  Well, since six and a half years ago.  I only decided to do it because my ex-boyfriend challenged me to.  And when I heard the words, "I would never do a marathon," come out of my mouth I knew I had to do it.  So I trained for six months.  Six months!  Over the course of those six months, I ran over 500 miles in training runs.  I did things I didn't know I could do.  Every week for the first few months was, "I've never run this far ever!"  That was three miles, then four, then six, then ten, then sixteen, then twenty!  And now running is something else I can do. 

I love how meditative it is, hence these affirmations.  I've been running Hancock Park, where I'm dogsitting for two friends of mine for the week.  Taking a break from my normal routine has been terrific.  So has running in a neighborhood with such history and huge houses.  It's a fresh perspective, fresh surroundings.  So even just looking at these neighborhoods is a meditation it itself.  It is strangely more private, so I can be even louder in speaking my affirmations.  The path at home is a specific running path, so I'm running past people on a mission and it's sometimes hard to proclaim myself out loud.  But I still do it, of course.  Because I have to.  I have to use my mouth and say what I want for myself.  The loudness and embarrassment is a part of it.

So, affirmations...Hancock Park Edition, Parts IV and V.

Twist the Spine/Flip the Script

This comes from my last tarot reading with Susan.  She has a separate set of cards that someone made for her.  And the one I picked was "Twist the Spine."  I have been told that I need to look at things from a different perspective.  I need to maybe turn to the left, to the right or even turn to look behind me.  Because what I'm seeing in front of my isn't everything.  The key is that I need to look at things differently.  The way I'm looking at my life isn't actually the full truth.

I am more successful than I think I am.  

I have accomplished more than I give myself credit for.

My experience of life is not one of someone who is about to break through.

So I need to Twist the Spine, aka Flip the Script.  I need to turn things upright.  I look at things upside down, literally.  I think the sky is green and the grass is blue.  I think I'm unsuccessful and others around me have more than I have.  What I have is my own.  It's perspective, insight, depth, wonder and curiosity.  I have a strong work ethic and I have a strong sense of myself.  That's the thing I never got.  

I remember seeing friends at a high school reunion and people remembering me as someone self-assured.  That is not the impression I have of myself.  And I need to get with the program because that's the person I am.  I don't need to do any work, I just need to Flip the Script.

The big takeaway from the tarot reading was that I don't need to DO anything differently.  I need to THINK differently.  

So the affirmation was about that: I need to think differently.  And keep running.

Be As Smart As You Are

I was in bed last night when that phrase popped into my head:

Be As Smart As You Are

Simple.  Start acting like it!

My whole life my Dad told me that he didn't want me to get a big head.   He didn't want me to show off or to think I was too good.  

I was taking to my friend Victor a month ago and I was saying that I needed to stop being so entitled and that I needed to just work and invest myself in my work.  Victor turned to me and said, "That's not your problem.  I don't think you're entitled enough!  You need to be MORE entitled."

Well, I like that better.  But I think it point was the opposite of my Dad's.  I have accomplished a lot and I need to act like it.  Stop acting like I'm apologizing for how smart, accomplished, hard working, attractive, interesting and spiritual I am.  Just be it.

Be As Smart As You Are

No action.  Just thought.  Just be what you are.

I had fun saying that on my run today.  It felt so good to say that I started singing it.  And that's what empowerment should be.  It should make us feel good.  It shouldn't be labor.  It should be pure enjoyment.

I am saying all of my affirmations with a smile on my face from now on.

Affirmations, Parts Two and Three

This running thing has really been working for me in terms of helping me focus and concentrate.  Like I said before, I have a harder time closing my eyes and settling down to do my meditation.  Getting up every morning (or evening) and running helps me center myself. Then giving myself a phrase to repeat allows my mind to empty out and lets me just focus.

Yesterday morning, I went on a run.  I dragged my ass out of bed and headed on the short, block-long walk from my house to the running path.  On this walk, I don't think about much.  I just put one foot in front of the other.  It's not until I get to the path that I start to think about what my intention for the first part of my run is going to be.  Do I ask for something specific?  Do I express a general desire?  Do I get myself into a certain mindset?

I have a bunch of friends writing pilots right now.  I wrote three pilots last year that I need to revisit.  And one this year that I'm doing some tinkering with.  So it made sense that I would put that intention out into the Universe.

I Want a TV Show

I try to remember to control my breath and to speak as clearly as possible while I'm running.  I don't want to make the intention if I'm just out of breath, although sometimes you can't help that.  It's already hot out.  Well, hot for running.  Maybe it's already 70 degrees.  Maybe 72.  But I keep going...I Want I Want a TV show...I Want I Want a TV show...I'm running past women with dogs, women with strollers, best friends who are taking their morning stroll and catching up on gossip.  I Want I Want a TV Show.  I don't stop even though I'm buzzing past people on bikes and they don't have headphones on, so I'm sure they can hear me.  But I just keep repeating that phrase over and over again.

I want my pilot to get me work.  I want to staff on a TV show.  I want a deal to produce my own TV show that I have written.  I want money so I can put forth my ideas into the greater collective energy.  And I'm running, so I'm not going to stop.  I get really tired as I buzz past the first light and cross the street.  I know at this point, either I'm going to keep going to the next light, or I'm going to stop at the next cross area.  I approach that cross area and I know I have to keep going.  My breath is shallow.  My focus is strong.  I just keep opening my mouth and letting sound come out.  It's like a droning.  It has its own rhythm.  It becomes a march forward.

I pass that cross walk.  Okay.  I'm past it, which means I have to run to the light.  And the light is a long way away.  But I don't focus on that.  I keep going.  I keep moving forward.  I Want I Want a TV Show.  I want my pilot to tell the story of who I am.  I want that story to inspire producers, directors, executives, agents, managers to hire me and represent me.  I want to be seen.  I want my own TV show so that I can write the next TV show.  I am trying to build a career here!

I get to the light and turn around.  All right.  Now I've got to think of something else I want.  How will I get this TV show?  How will I get all of the other work I have to get done?  Once I'm done with this walk break, how will I have the energy to keep going?

I Want to Push It

And once I get past the lamp post, I start running again.  I give it a few shouts.  I Want to Push It.  Push it.  I want to Push it.  Push it.  I want to Push it.  Push it.  I know that in order to do any of the things I want to do: getting my own TV show, getting a play produced, sitting down to write the next thing, that I have to push myself further than before.  Even though I'm tired, I need to keep going.  Even though I have other things on my plate.  Even though I'm trying to make sure my Mom's refi paperwork goes through.  Even though I have grief.  Even though I have frustration with my boyfriend...I have to push it.  I want to Push It.  Life is all about pushing it.  Stretching and growing and taking that extra step, then another, then another, and another.  Not really thinking about the steps.  Just propelling forward.

And the moments where I want to stop.  I said the words louder:  I want to Push It.  Push It.  I want to Push It.  Push it.  I want to Push It.  Push it.  And my stride got longer.  And I went faster.  And when I wanted to conserve breath or quietly say it to myself, I got tired and I slowed down.  But everytime I got louder, the energy came back.  And that's what it takes.  According to the saying, you should always be the hardest working person in the room.  And if you're pushing it, you are.

I didn't think I could do it, but I did.  I was ready to give up and let my legs give out.  I was ready to pout and whimper and complain.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  My mouth was full of other words: I want to push it...push it...push it...push it.

So this morning, I woke up again.  I had to meet a friend at 9 AM, so I woke up at 7 AM after going to bed around 2.  I fell back asleep.

7:21 AM.

Okay, I have to do this now.  I can't get through this day without another affirmation, without visualizing and saying out loud what I want.    I brush my teeth.  I pull on my running shorts.  I just have to go.  So I yawn (like I'm doing right now) and I get out the door.  That long walk is even longer today.  I'm already in a hurry, so I don't know if I can do the long run I did yesterday.  That's okay.  I got out the door.  I have already triumphed.

And as I affirm myself yet again, I see the path.  "What is it today?" I ask myself.

I step onto the path.  And I start to run.

Last night, I had a thought.  I was working on my boyfriend's radio show and had come home to do more work on it.  I had brushed my teeth and was ready to crawl into bed.

As I stood in the mirror, I looked at myself.  "This is my moment," I thought.  I have to understand that this is my moment.  I can deny it or think I'm not ready or feel like I need tons more training or studying or talent.  But if I continue to think that way, the moment will get away from me.  This is it.  It's not five years from now.  Or when I grow up or get older.  It's now.  And it's not showing itself with a big pile of cash or lots of notice.  It just showed up, unannounced.  Without fanfare.  This is my moment to grab onto and to be everything I already am.

I stepped onto the path.

Step into My Moment

I visualized a spotlight because that it is the easiest way for me to understand that I'm stepping into another space.  I'm stepping onto the stage where the drama of my life will unfold.  I'm extra tired this morning.  But I'm stepping into my moment.  Well, I'm stepping at least.  Trying to run, but just stepping at this point.  Step step into my moment...step step into my moment...step step into my moment.  That's all I have right now.  I'm just going to step.  And as I'm stepping, I'm stepping into myself.  I'm stepping into what I know.

I have a good friend who's about to receive an honor and she's taking me with her to the award ceremony.  It's very clearly her moment with a check involved and a big announcement.  And when I go with her to this ceremony, I'm going to be able to meet some of the writers I admire and want to work with.  But I'm not stepping on her moment.  This is a part of my moment, too.  I am not winning the award or getting the recognition she is or the money.  But I am stepping into my moment by accepting that is where the Universe has placed me.  Our moments are different, but they are happening simultaneously and they are not stepping on one another.

Step step step into my moment.  Step step step into my moment.  As the run gets harder, I realize that I'm not going to do quite the same run today.  But that's my moment and that's okay.  I turn around after the first light.  I head back.  As my legs get heavy, I think about stepping into my moment.  I know not to confuse it with someone else's moment.  I know not to get in the way of someone else by imposing my agenda.  I just have to want what I want for myself and if someone wants to come along, great.  But I don't have to have their moment for them either. If they don't realize it's their moment, I don't have to force their eyes open and push them into the light.

I'm learning that sort of patience with my boyfriend.  I'm learning not to force him to have the same ambition and to express it in the same way as I do.  If I try and do that, I don't have any energy left for my moment.  And this is my moment.  And I need to step into it.

My breath gets heavy and so I just repeat the phrase in my head and know that when I huff and puff, I'm saying it.  I feel myself stepping into my moment with each huff and puff.  And when I get off the path and start walking home, I let the words come back to me.  Step step into my moment.  Step into my moment.  Step into my moment.  They get louder and louder naturally.  I am not forcing the moment.  I'm just stepping into it.

Affirmations

Meditations are supposed to make you feel oneness in a zen sort of way.  For me, mantras tend to have the feel of a Jimmy Fallon sketch.  For example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAehSfA7O_8

Much more obscure European game show than Stuart Smiley.  But yes, I am good enough, smart enough and people do like me.  We make fun of affirmations because they seem like bullshit.  And no one wants to feel like they're affirming something they shouldn't affirm, like misguided pursuits or bad behavior.  But you only have the strength of your convictions and plenty of misguided people get what they want because they believe they deserve it.

My recent adventures in tarot readings reveal that I don't believe I deserve it deep down.  And at the suggestion of the tarot, I have started visualizing and meditating.  But I'm doing it in motion.  It feels good to do it.  I just do it.  And it propels me forward.  I get a rhythm going with each phrase I decide to repeat.

What happens is that I pick one phrase for half of the run, then another phrase for the other half.  I feel like splitting it in the middle tricks me into thinking that it's not that long.  And it motivates me to keep going right at the moment where I need more encouragement.  If I only use one phrase the entire time, then it feels like it drones on and on.

Tonight's phrases were:

I will tell my own story.  I will write my own story.

I will celebrate myself.

I Will Tell My Own Story.  I Will Write My Own Story.
Once I was in the Malibu Canyons on an overnight retreat with a shaman.  Long story.  But as I was up all night with people who were strangers, I met up with a guy who was essentially my doppelganger.  I believe that I met him because I needed to look myself in the mirror.  I know it sounds like hocus pocus, but I have a higher tolerance for hocus pocus than other people.  And my doppelganger basically said to me that I have to tell my story.

"When are you going to write your story?"

We were all on some sort of mind altering herb, the dose and strength depended on how experienced we were.  It was my first time (and my only time, actually) so I wasn't on anything too strong.  Just sassafras, which just opened me up and made me more spongey.  We say that kids are like sponges.  That's what I was.  I was able to experience everything head on without self judgment and without holding back.  It had cleared the passage ways.  And this guy said that I needed to tell my story.

Today, I was at a pool party for a playwrights organization I'm a part of and I ran into a friend of mine. She had attended my play reading last weekend and she asked me:

"Have you every thought about getting into TV writing?"

I hit the pause button (thank you, Kabbalah Centre).  I have a lot of experience in TV because I used to work in TV production and development.  And the truth is, I have been trying to be a TV writer for a long time.  So I could have just gone on and on about how much I know and how experienced I am in that world.  But that would have suggested that I didn't need any help and  the conversation would have ended right there.

I pressed play.  And I said that yes, I wanted to get into TV writing.  My friend had a lot of advice for me, since she just had her first TV meeting that week.  She said that the TV execs want you to have a story and they want your work to reflect that story.  I agreed with her.

The PICTURE THEY HAVE WHEN THEY LOOK AT YOU has to match your TV PILOT and that has to match THE PLAY you give them to read.  It has to tell a story.  And you have to reflect that story back to them.  You have to decide the story that you are telling and keep telling it.  It might not reflect the bigger picture of who you are, but it should represent enough of who you are.  It should be a BULLETPOINT.

My friend Josh spoke of this when we saw each other for dinner earlier this week.  Josh is an old friend who has become a skin and hair care expert who now has his own line of organic products.  And he said to me that it's about presenting yourself in a desirable way.  It has to reflect the truth, even if all the details aren't entirely factual.  I get that.

Nothing in Hollywood is real, so why should we feel bound to the factual truth.  The emotional truth and the general truth are a lot more important.  You just need to be in the neighborhood.  Actually, you could even be truth adjacent.  It still counts.

But as I walked out of my house for the run, I decided that I would express the need to tell my story and write my story as my mantra.  And I need to tell my story without hesitation.  It's harder to do than it seems, but when you keep repeating that message to yourself as you're moving forward in space, it seems to stick.

I Will Celebrate Myself

I have a lot more negative messages going on in my head than I realize.  So I just want to counter that with a positive one.  I want to celebrate all of my good qualities.  Because if I celebrate them, that means I am putting them front and center.  And if they are front and center, then others can celebrate me as well.

As I was running, the mantra became a song.  And I was running and singing it to myself.  As I was running, I felt the shame of affirming myself melt away.  I was saying "I Will Celebrate Myself" as I was running by people.  And I was not lowering my voice as I ran by people.  And that was an act of celebrating myself itself.

Every day provides an opportunity to celebrate myself.  And the more I take advantage of that, the better I will be.  It will permeate into all areas of my life.

As I was celebrating myself, I was celebrating my legs that had strength to keep moving forward.  I was celebrating my breath that I kept controlling.  I celebrated my lungs and my eyes and I celebrated my perseverance.  I celebrated that the most.  I kept going, no matter what.  And I decided to run further than I had before because I wanted to keep affirming myself and moving forward and extending my run.  I celebrated myself by continuing to run further than I had intended.

Now it's in my bones.  So I hope I continue to celebrate myself tomorrow.

Running Meditation

I have been running again.

Years ago, I trained and ran the Florence Marathon.  I have been saying for years that I want to get back out there and I really do.  I missed running.

My friend Susan who read my tarot cards recently said that I needed to start meditating and visualizing and saying what I want out loud.  So I decided to kill two birds with one stone.

I have a routine to my runs.  I walk to the end of my street and run along a bike/walk path where I live in Burbank.  And I don't bring my iPod.  I just run.  And I tell myself things.  I repeat one sentence about what I want.  Over and over again as I run.  And it becomes the rhythm of my running.  I don't think too much about what I'm saying in terms of editing myself.  I concentrate on the words, but I don't give them much thought because if I did I might judge myself.  So I run and express what I want.

And that's my daily meditation.  I have been trying to lay still and close my eyes and do a guided meditation.  But I found that I wouldn't do it every day.  And it felt silly.  But this running meditation helps make the time pass. But what it also does is that it gets me to say what I want.  Then I say it again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  And I keep going.  The words propel my forward as I run.

I don't just whisper.  And I fight the urge to quiet down while I running past someone.  I fight to be heard.  I speak in a firm voice.  Not yelling.  Not pushing.  But out loud in a speaking voice.  In a clear speaking voice.   It's wonderful.  And I can't believe I didn't do it before.

When Susan and I talked about visualizing, I didn't have any idea how to do that.  I thought it meant that I picture in my head a scene of me winning an award, or the credits at the end of a TV episode.  That was my idea of visualizing.  But Susan shared with me that she talks to herself in her car and she screams at the top of her lungs: "They're going to love this idea!"  I remember when she said that to me, I was so shocked.  That sounded so crazy.  It sounded REAL crazy.

But I also knew that good things were happening for her and if that was the conviction she was speaking with, then there was room for me to speak with the same conviction.  Every day.  I need to remind myself every day that I deserve good things to happen.  It really is a daily struggle.  It's like I had an addiction to shooting myself down and like any addiction, it's a "one day at a time" journey.  So every day I put on my running shoes and I go out there into the world and start running.  Then I tell myself that I deserve to be a writer on a TV staff and I deserve to have my own show and I deserve to have a production of my plays and I deserve to sit in a meeting with smart people and know that I'm just as smart, if not smarter than them.

My head has to get big so that it has room for every great idea that I come up with.  I am not afraid to get a big head.  I already have a big heart and a big libido.  So why not have a big head?

I deserve to have a big head.  That should be my next mantra.  I am going for a run right now.