I Can See It

I've spent a lifetime underestimating myself.

I grew up wanting big things for myself and didn't know what was ahead of me.  I spent a long time just going for it.  Then I got to the pinnacle and I did a lot of soul searching.  My career hasn't advanced in the ways that I wanted it to.

A small voice deep inside of me tells me that I'm not done.

While my career hasn't had the trajectory and the velocity I've wanted it to, my soul is deeper, fuller and richer.  That's the person I want to be.  I want to be the person who lives with heart and has strength and conviction in what he does.  I want to be forever curious, not just ambitious for the sake of ambition.  I don't want to achieve just so I can beat other people.  I want to live more fully in who I actually am.

I can finally see it.

My tarot card readings for the past year have said, "There is so much good around you and you don't see it.  You are on the verge of everything and you don't see it."

You don't see it.
You don't see it.
You don't see it.

It has been drilled in my head over and over again.  I have spent time determined to see it.  And finally I had to let go of my effort and repeat a mantra that's exactly the opposite and just as powerful.  Even more so.

I have been determined to see it.  And slowly it has been unfolding over that year.

I started keeping a gratitude journal in this blog.  This blog has become my gratitude journal and just that action of being present and grateful for the things I am seeing has changed me.  I have just given gratitude to everything.  So I started to see it.  I started to appreciate EVERYTHING about myself.

Last year, ideas would come to me without them being forced.  And I would hold on to them.  I could catalog them or write them down or even write them out if the spirit moved me.  I watched a lot of movies: documentaries about art and culture, Robert Altman films, Woody Allen films…films by masters and TV shows by masters.

I have been practicing not censoring myself.  Not censoring an idea because it's too out there or not good enough or stupid.  I am learning to just express and not edit so much in the beginning.

And this is the funny thing…I'm becoming less critical with myself.  And therefore, less critical of others.  I still give advice and I still am constructive.  But I am not hard just so I can be hard and so I can prove to myself that I know what I'm talking about.  No unnecessary roughness.

The writing is never easy, but it seems to be more forthcoming.

I called last year my rewrite year.   I significantly rewrote two plays.  I had personal things I was dealing with.  I was healing.  Yet, I started a new play which I will come back to later this year.  I had an idea for a new series of seven plays which I will be working on probably for at least seven years.  I read a lot of books.  I really just worked on being nicer to myself.

This year, I knew I would be writing new stuff.  I had a challenge to write a play in a month and I did that in February.  Then I wrote a pilot in March.  All of a sudden, different opportunities started coming my way.  I started seeing different opportunities to submit my work, where I had to get recommendations from people in order to submit.  I realized that I have a lot of people in my life who are fans and who want me to succeed.  And when these opportunities came, I was ready.  I had material.  I submitted.  I got my stuff done.

I can see that because I am working and I am ready, that these opportunities are presenting themselves.  The Universe is conspiring to help me.  It is encouraging me to keep going.  It is giving me deadlines to get work done.  It is presenting actual opportunities for me to be recognized for my work, through workshops and through money.

It can happen because it is happening.  I can see that.

I can finally see it.
I can see why things are starting to bubble and appear instead of wondering why things aren't happening and not noticing what is happening.
I can see it.

I know that there is energy around my productivity and success.  All of it originates with me, but some of it also is coming from other sources.  The important part is that all of my productivity and success is originating with me.  And that I value and appreciate it.

I can see it.
And I am encouraged by it.

I am grateful for sight and insight.
I am grateful that I am happy about seeing my value.
I am grateful that my destiny is happening around me and is not just an aspiration or a far off place.
I am grateful that I am living in my purpose.
I am grateful that real, concrete, tangible things are happening for me.
I am grateful that the words flow.
I am grateful for laughter and sweat throughout it all.
I am grateful that I know not to get negative.
I am grateful for my positive energy.
I am grateful for the love that I give myself.
I am grateful for the care that I give others.
I am grateful that encouragement is coming from all sides.
I am grateful that I can be happy about it all.