Enough

Earlier today I finished a rewrite of my pilot.

That's five scripts since the end of January, which is nine months. Yes, I can look at that number and remark at how amazing that is. And I do. I appreciate how incredible it is that I wrote five scripts:

• one full length play
• one full length screenplay
• two pilots
• one spec script

And now it's the end of October. I have two more months left in the year. And frankly, I have other things I need to attend to. I certainly plan to be writing the rest of the year. But I need to work on supporting myself. I've made writing a priority this year in terms of having uninterrupted time to do it. I had an office I worked out of, which helped me in the productivity department. Having a place to go really made a difference. I wrote three of those scripts in that office.

So what do I do with the rest of my year?

Well, for starters, I need to work on this website for my story consulting business. I need to do extensive research for a new play I'm starting in February. And I believe it will take me three months of research to figure out what this play is. The research is so devastating emotionally that I need time to recover while I'm doing research. I actually started this process over the summer.

I have to say that I didn't have a big plan on what I needed to get done this year. I knew I had a play to write this February and I had an idea. I then had an idea for a pilot I wanted to do about the art world. So I wrote that in March, soon after I had finished writing the play. I think I was done by mid-month.  The idea fell out of me. Then I knew that this application was coming up for Sundance TV Labs. I had a reading in May that I needed to prep for and the Sundance Lab deadline was also in May. So I knew I would be rewriting.  Then I decided I wanted to write a spec to submit to the studio fellowships. By mid June I was done with those scripts. I truly had no idea what I would write next. I didn't have any specific pilot ideas. So I started doing research for a new play. I also had an idea for another play that was light that I wanted to write after I finished working on the new play. Then I was asked to submit a screenplay and I didn't have one. But the second play I wanted to work on had a film theme and it seemed better for me to write it as a film. So I did. That was my August. I had set up a TV writing challenge that I was going to run through the Playwrights Union. And that would give me a goal to have something done in October. I had a whole other idea that I was planning on writing. But then I had a fortuitous meeting with someone who had suggested the idea I ended up writing. And that has been my year.

So having no plan for November and December won't necessarily mean I'm not writing. But I am giving myself the time off. I want to fill the tank. I have so many films in my Netflix queue to catch up on that I would almost be totally satisfied to just spend the next two months clearing out my queue. I'm kind of spent in my output. I just want to take information in. If something comes that I absolutely need to write then absolutely I will. But that's not my priority.

I am hoping that I make room for other opportunities. Like jobs. I need to get back to my meditation practice. I've been subbing for a friend of mine in her screenwriting classes. I would love if the rest of the year was about getting paid to teach. That would be wonderful.

I'm ready to see what's out there and to not have a plan, but to be open.

I am grateful for all of the writing I have accomplished this year.

I am grateful for the love of my partner.

I am grateful for quiet time.

I am grateful for my meditation practice.

I am grateful for happiness.

I am grateful for food.

The Things That Have Gotten in My Way

There are outdated ways of thinking that no longer serve me. The serpent has outlived its purpose.

At least that's what my tarot card readings have said. I have said that I need the serpent in the garden among the tall grass where I can't see him. And I have said things, either out loud or to myself, which have continued to keep me from where I want to be in my life.

My tarot reading also has recently said that I have one last challenge before I get everything I want. I have spent the past several weeks thinking about what that "one last challenge" might be. I also felt that it was tied to this idea of letting go of certain ways of thinking that have held me back. My tarot reading has also said at one point or another that my only limitation is myself. Reality is that everything I want is just waiting for me. I just have to reach for it.

What I'm realizing that that one last challenge is all of it. The challenge isn't in one part. It's one last challenge with many subsets, many line items. And I'm checking them off continuously, bit by bit.

I was at an event last night where I watched two of my favorite trans cabaret performers sing: Taylor Mac and Justin Vivian Bond. I looked around the museum courtyard where this event was taking place and I saw all of these fashionable, successful gay men. The longest romantic relationship of my life has been with a fashionable, successful gay man who didn't give a shit about what other people thought of him. He ran his own business. He was flamboyant in the best ways and he was unapologetic. I felt secure dating a person like that because he was the person I wanted to be. And when I looked at this room I was reminded of him. I always thought that is the kind of person I should be with because their strength would be like a security blanket for me. He would protect me because he's strong and fierce. But I also would feel comforted by the energy of a strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man.

Then I realized that I am meant to be that strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man. I have been working on that for a while now. Once I broke up with him I set the stage for that to happen. I am meant to be that person. That's the serpent that has outlived its purpose. I no longer have to take a back seat. I would tell people all of the time when we were together that sometimes you're Jackie O and sometimes you're JFK. But that was a lie. That wasn't the relationship I was living. I wanted that relationship, where both people could share the power as equals. My Ex wasn't interested in that. And I felt too comfortable letting him lead, letting him take care of me, letting him be in charge. I always used to say that I let him be in charge because he needed it. But I was continually ignoring what I needed.

Why do I mention that now? Why is that important?

Well, he was one of the serpents. And I got rid of him. But there's another, sneakier serpent who is hiding in the grass. But I let him into the garden. I am responsible for this serpent. The serpent might actually be a tapeworm or the alien in Alien who is trapped inside of me. I am the hero I have been seeking. That's some sort of famous saying, right? But it's true.

And the one last challenge is me killing all of those serpents, so that the hero can emerge. The things that have gotten in my way are me. And I am getting them out of my way. I am asking for help in the way that I need to. I am going to be in the relationship that I need to be in, which is the right one with myself. And anyone I'm with has to be on board with that or get off the train.

What does that have to do with writing?

How much I put myself forward is in direct proportion to how I feel I am deserving of being forward. If I let everyone else be successful and assertive and I even help to get them there at the direct determent of myself, that's on me. That does not mean that I don't want friend to be successful and that I won't even give them advice and help them. But if I am doing it because it feels more comfortable to have someone else take the risk, then I can't complain that I don't have the things in life I want. I want to be a successful, fashionable, unapologetic gay man. I have to direct that energy towards myself and help others from that place. It's the old example of what they say on airplanes: put on your oxygen mask first.

Everything I want is available to me. I just have to take it.

I am grateful for knowing I am worthy.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for self-validation.
I am grateful for the things I know.
I am grateful for the wholeness that exists within me.

Pulling Up the Covers

Why is it that the day or two after I finish something I want to pull the covers over my head and go into hibernation?

It never changes. I've even written about it several times this year since I've been remarkably productive this year so far. It just hits me like a mack truck, this depression.  I go deep into it right away. Is this necessary?

I should just know better and plan on doing something else the first few days after I finish something. It's not like this is the final draft. I've got other things I need to be working on.

And I should focus on the positive. I've gotten my fifth script done this year.  By the end of the month, I will have a more solid draft of this script written, the official first draft. But this is my quick draft. I got it done in four days. I should be proud of that. I should be dancing from rooftops. But instead, I'm in my office feeling so stuck and feeling like such a failure. Why is that? I just wrote a 59 page script in four days. And I wrote an outline in a day before that. And a treatment in a week before that. This is what I hate about being a writer that I am so hard on myself. But I have bought into the feeling that writing is suffering. If I'm happy then that means that I haven't pushed myself hard enough.

But it also means that I have given something of myself to write this script. That it has a cost. If it was so easy to write then I wouldn't feel like I had sacrificed part of myself. These are the things that I tell myself, that it's more real because I feel sadness after I'm finished.

And now what? I finished this writing challenge of writing something new in a month in four days. Yes, I want to really craft this story document. I want to make it really wonderful. I want to get into the world of these characters more deeply. I now have something I can submit to the Sundance TV lab next year if I need to. I have accomplished so much and this should make me feel so happy. But I still focus on the feeling of being unproductive. And this year has been anything but unproductive.

Yet I still return to that place of not wanting to come off as someone who has accomplished things. As someone who feels good about what they've accomplished because I might rub people the wrong way. So instead I punish myself. I punish myself by having a cigarette. I punish myself by having a drink.

I know this is a great thing and a great accomplishment. So I should reset my goals for the year. I have time to get my research done for this play I want to write in February. But should I maybe try to write something else new this year? I have the time to do it. It would be a smart thing to do. I still have some ideas left. I have the time to make this sample so much better than it is. It is, after all, just the first draft. Maybe that's my personal challenge:

To write a polished pilot script in a month.

There's still room to grow and to push. If I accomplished that one challenge I had for myself, maybe there's a new challenge ahead of me. Instead of stopping, I can keep going.

My mood is starting to change. I'm still hungry though.

Maybe that's a good thing.

I am grateful for speed.
I am grateful for this feeling of not being satisfied.
I am grateful for the reminder to push harder.

What If I Chose to Believe My Best Friend

Last night we were at dinner for my best friend's birthday. There were about ten of us. I was sitting at the opposite end of the table and listening to my best friend talk to her mother about me.

"He's being courted by…"

My immediate response, as it always is, is that she makes me sound so much better than I am. The same thing happened when I was writing my screenplay in August because an outreach person at Sundance had emailed me.  She told her family that Sundance reached out to me personally to submit this script. She made me sound anointed, chosen…courted.  My response is always, "Oh, she's just making me sound good."  It's this false modesty thing that I thought  I had gotten rid of. But it's back. Like Jason, like Freddy, like Chucky.

I was just washing the dishes, after watching Elizabeth Gilbert on Super Soul Sunday, and thinking:

What if I actually believed her?
What if what she said was true?

Because it is. And even admitting that sends chills up my spine because I start thinking that people aren't going to like that I am so bold in praising myself or patting myself on the back. It's false confidence. Who am I to think so highly of myself? I go back to what my father used to say about not wanting me to have a big head. I go back to the disapproval I have gotten over the course of my life whenever I do something good: I get made fun of or I get knocked down.

I think about one particular moment in graduate school when a writer in the class below me, who is actually quite a successful and well-known writer, made fun of an evening of new work I had put together and produced. I did it relatively easily. A director friend of mine offered me a spot that had been given up to produce two shows of my own work in three weeks. And I did it. I got five directors together. I set up rehearsal time. I put up posters around school. I rewrote and rewrote.  And then I heard that this guy made fun of it.  He was pissed. He was threatened. And I remember immediately thinking, "What did I do wrong?" He had criticism about how the way I handled myself. He didn't like that I had forged opportunities. He never liked it when he didn't get his way and the fact that within the department I held a position of authority in producing a weekly reading series and that I had specific rules that I upheld…he just wanted to get his way all of the time because that's the way his life had always gone. So instead of support me and wish me well, he bad talked me.

And for years, I had guys in my life who represented that guy in different forms. I kept inviting "that guy" back into my life. I even dated him for five years. I even went to work for him. I kept inviting him to be a part of my life because I didn't know who I was without the person who disapproved. Because I had been taught that the only way to get better, to push myself, was to have someone in my life who really didn't like what I was doing. And when I had true, unconditional support, I dismissed it because I didn't believe it.

And that's what I was doing last night. In my head. For a second.

But what I did last night which was different from even a month ago was that I didn't correct her. I didn't believe her. But I didn't correct her. And that's a huge step. But now, only a day later, I'm ready for the next step. I am going to believe her.

Sundance contacted me personally to submit my script because they believe in what I have to say.
Every script I write is wonderful, incredible, well-written and deserving.
I am so gifted.
I write beautifully.
This woman who had suggested that I write a script about something that's personal to me is courting me.
She believes in me.
She sees something special.
This is the woman who is going to help me along my hero's journey.
My tarot card said it four or five times in the reading.
My horoscope said it last month.
My horoscope said it again this month.

I am going to stop assuming that everyone and everything around me is wrong.
It is fine for me to be proud of myself.
It is acceptable for me to have a big head.
Because I also have a big heart.
I share what I know with people.
I am generous with my time, my knowledge, my self.

I am being courted.
I am chosen.
I am anointed.
I am stepping into the fullness of who I really am.
I am not stalling any more.
I am stepping into the light.

I am grateful for the knowledge.
I am grateful that for the past month I have been continually letting go of beliefs that no longer serve a purpose.
I am grateful that there are so many places for growth.
I am grateful to stand in the truth of who I am regardless of the reaction.
I am grateful to know myself and to continue on that quest.

Church

What is it that Jesus said? Where two or more of you are gathered, there I'll be? Something like that. Meaning that Church doesn't need a building or a lot of people.

I have described my office as a studio. It's the place I come to be inspired every day. It's the place I come to work. You might even say that it's the place I come to worship. Rainn Wilson has called art a form of prayer. For me, it's the way that I celebrate the life force within me. So I would say that's very true for me.

I have mentioned that I am giving up my office at the end of the month. My office, this space, has been instrumental in getting work done this year. For the past five months, this has been a home. Tim, my officemate and friend, has been a big part of that. And now we're giving up the office. It's sad because I think we both have felt the value of having this space. But having this space has also cemented the idea that I can have Church anywhere. I hope that another space that a friend has offered me works out. But right now this is the perfect time to move on from this space.

I have this pilot I'm writing this month. And I know the extra motivation that I won't have the space after the 31st means that I will be getting my work done. Today has already been an incredible exercise in that sort of motivation. I wrote 12 pages of this new script today. It feels good. I might continue on or wait until tomorrow. But it feels insanely good to be this productive.

These past five months have taught me so much about having a time and a space to work. I have learned a ton about having this sort of focused, dedicated time. I know that I can recreate it anywhere. I know that I need to have things around me that personalize the space and motivate me. I have a cork board and a dry erase board and the books around me that inspire me. I hope to take that into the new space and even make it more personal, since it will be mine only.

I am only focusing on the moment, but I don't have any limit on my ideas. I wrote two pilots this year. I'm up for writing two or more next year. I already have another one hour idea that I think is interesting. And I have two half hour ideas that I want to write as well. I have a memoir I want to write. I have a new play I know I'll be writing in February. So maybe another spec (if I need it to apply to studio programs) and something else. If five this year, then why not six next year? I will rewrite the things I am being paid to work on, like if a theatre wants to develop one of the plays I've sent them. And I'm sure I'll be rewriting this pilot the rest of this year, depending on how it turns out. I can't imagine writing something new in November or December.  I want to spend that time rewriting, researching and resting. I think the holidays are a perfect time for that.

And maybe I'll have a Church or maybe I won't. But regardless, I'll have plenty to preach on.

I am grateful for the work.
I am grateful for the muses.
I am grateful for an address for them to come visit me at.
I am grateful for the discipline I have been working on for five months.
I am grateful for conversations about art.
I am grateful to know that the people who I think are killing it are killing it and at the same time are working hard in the trenches, like I am. 
I am grateful that I can inspire people around me and that my glow is felt.
I am grateful to feel the glow of others on me.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat

Today I'm starting over.

I have a new pilot I have to write this month as a part of a writing challenge. I even decided to put myself in charge of this writing challenge to make sure I got the work done. It was motivation. So I have a Dropbox that has a bunch of scripts in it. I have treatments that I've looked at. I have videos I have watched. I have written a treatment/ story bible that details this series idea through Season 3. I still have Seasons 4-6 that I can detail out. I wrote an outline.  And now I'm ready to go.

Or am I?

I am taking a moment of reflection because this has been my year:

• Come up with an idea.
• Write an outline (TV/ Film) or a list of things that might happen (Plays)
• Write a draft in a month.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat…especially when I go back and rewrite. I usually only rewrite a couple of times because I try and lay out the story before hand. I have overworked scripts like mad, writing six or seven or eight or nine drafts. That's too much. Nothing needs to be overworked that much. And in both cases, I knew that I didn't have the series in mind. I had some characters, a story, but I didn't know what happened beyond or why someone would want to watch it as a series.

I just had that experience with the idea I thought I was going to write for this challenge. About two or three months ago, my best friend Alanna and I were coming up with ideas for a pilot I would write with her attached to it. I came up with nine ideas over the course of a weekend. Then we met and chatted about it. She picked the idea that she wanted. I had some ideas I liked, but we went with the one she liked. Now I realize that all nine of those ideas were great ideas, but I wasn't attached to them in any emotional way. It was just…churn out nine ideas and see what you come up with. I have no problem coming up with ideas. I'm an idea machine. And that is one very specific and useful skill set. But for an idea to become a pilot and a series proposal is a much longer road.

So when Alanna got cast in a series that shoots in Vancouver, I figured that was it for this idea. And then I just assumed I would write it during this writing challenge. I had the characters. I had the world of the series. But I didn't have any idea as to what the pilot story would be. I had some thoughts about places to focus with these characters. But nothing was sticking. I had a lot of options, which was good. But nothing was driving me. Then I picked up a book on the subject, as research. And the book was great. But the book was also taking me in a completely different direction.

Then I had a meeting with someone who suggested I write about a subject I've been obsessed with since childhood and suddenly the show popped in my head. First. I knew what the structure of the series was. I knew what the trajectory of the series was. I found a pilot story that worked. Then I expanded those thoughts into a series treatment/bible. The characters I already knew or knew I could figure out. It was clear to me right away.

That's how I know a series idea works. When the series comes to me. I can say that the other pilot I wrote this year came to me in a similar way. I had the idea for the show. Wrote that treatment up in a week along with the outline. Then I wrote the script in a week. That did seem to pop out of me really fast. But that's because it had a personal motivation. I was writing about loss and about father figures. Both of those subjects are really close to my heart. Even the pilot I wrote before that was about food and about family. Those are things I understand as well.

I now have the litmus test. I am not just writing a short film. I am writing something that is the first introduction to a series, a moment in the lives of the characters I am creating at a moment in time in their lives. This is not their entire life, but this is where we're entering for a really good reason. 

I was listening to the other writers in my group share their ideas for their pilots. Some of those ideas were fully realized. Others were just sketches of ideas. I find it great to listen to others ideas because it lets me into their process. I have a part of my brain that analyzes these processes because of experience in writing pilots and in working with writers developing ideas. I try to turn that part of my brain off when I'm listening to these ideas in particular. I am not there to try and make them turn their idea into a series. I am not a buyer. They have to figure out what works for them just like I had to. And what works for one writer does not work for another.

I have a way of working that really feels right and it feels like my process. I have ownership over it. And that's all any of us can do. I think I did the count recently and I'm at about 10 or 11 scripts each of plays, pilots and TV specs. I'm only at 3 screenplays because I really haven't wanted to write anything in screenplay form until recently. When you have studied  TV that much, both in school and on your own by taking a notepad and creating an outline for the show you're watching, you take some knowledge with you.  

My friend Lisa recently said to me, "Wow, you work fast." And I didn't really think of it. All I know is that I have been working this muscle for years, but I have been upping my training and concentration this year. Not only am I on my fifth script of the year, but I have been coaching people on script writing in one form or another all year. I know what the fuck I'm talking about. And I know what I'm talking about because I read a lot of scripts. I watch TV. I watch films. I watch plays. I take info in. 

But the real key for me is that I have decided what kind of scripts I want to write. And I have figured out how to do that. The craft is the vehicle for me to tell the stories I want to tell. No one would ever call any of these ideas great ideas upon hearing them:

• a chem teacher dying of cancer makes meth
• ad exec in the 1960s
• musical comedy about high school
• mobster who goes to therapy

Yes, these are truncated descriptions of what those shows eventually became. But at a dinner party, if you're a writer working on something, that's all you might say. Then someone can very easily shoot them down. But when you read those scripts, they're brilliantly constructed, wonderfully nuanced and immensely readable. They are readable. That's my job. Make it readable. And I do that through a great compelling story, a world I've painted and characters who leave their stain on you. Sure, easier said than done. But that I know I can do. So the subject doesn't matter. As long as I know my subject and know my world convincingly. Then I can bring you in. And my craft and how I structure my story is how you get transported into my world. And once you're there, you want to stay because that world is one worth spending time in. But I've got to transport you first.

I spent this year working on my vehicle. I made it faster, more efficient and a smoother ride. That's why I'm fast. That's why the ideas pop out of my head. That's why I'm good at what I do. Because I do it over and over and over. It's that old adage: Writers Write.  That's the only way to be good. In the 30-plus scripts I have written over the past ten or so years, that has been the reason I'm better than I was before. And I'm only counting the scripts in grad school and afterwards. There were other things written before that. And those short stories, plays, novellas, journals and other things also contributed. So those 30-plus scripts are only the ones I've written once I knew I was serious about writing.

Here's the other reason it's important for writers to write: You're too distracted writing to pay attention to what every the hell anyone else is doing. There's less time to compare yourself. My typical work day:

• wake up
• shower
• meditation for 20 minutes
• drive to work
• work
• watching You Tube videos, interviews, documentaries, reports
• reading research material (books, articles)
• writing outlines, treatments, journals, blogs, scripts
• driving home
• watching TV (reality, scripted, movies, binge watching)
• sleep

I don't have time to worry about what someone else is doing. That's actually why I'm naturally limiting my Facebook time. I am not cutting it out. I am not giving it up. I am not going Cold Turkey. It doesn't work with cigarettes and booze and it doesn't work with any other distraction for me. I just need it less. So I use it less. But Facebook is one of those things that will make me solely focused on what everyone else is doing. It really distracts me and sometimes makes me feel bad about myself. So I try to limit it. There's useful information shared and it alerts me to certain play submission deadlines and job postings. And it lets me send condolences or congratulations. But that's all I try and use it for. If I'm on it too long, then I naturally start to feel bad about the things I'm not doing. Instead of doing the thing I want to do and being too busy to worry about what someone else might think about my productivity.

I don't care. It's nice when people say good things. It's not nice when people say bad things. I try not to invest too much in either. But I just make sure I say Thank You. To both. Because even the veiled insults are lessons.

I am grateful for friendships that keep me motivated.

I am grateful for a mental space as well as a physical space to write.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for the knowledge of what's really important.

The Fourth Quarter

Today's the first day of the Fourth Quarter of the Year.

I looked at my writing year divided into each quarter. During the First Quarter, I wrote a full length play in a month in February and I wrote a full one hour pilot in March. In the Second Quarter, I wrote three scripts in May and part of June: a play rewrite, a pilot rewrite and a spec. In the Third Quarter, I wrote a screenplay in August and I prepped my pilot bible and outline in September.

Now it's time for the last quarter of the year.  Bringing it home.

I plan on writing my pilot script this month. I'm hoping to get through a full pass at the script and maybe a rewrite. Then November and December are going to be about rewriting and researching. So I'll do a pilot rewrite and research for a play I'm going to write in February during the Playwriting Challenge. This has been an intense year for writing.  By the end of the year, I will have written five full scripts (two pilots, one screenplay, one play and one spec). I'm pretty blown away by that.

The Second Quarter in a way was my most productive time with the two rewrites and the spec. Although in the First Quarter I wrote two scripts from scratch. However, in the Third Quarter, I wrote a full screenplay in five weeks and I haven't written a screenplay since Grad School. So each Quarter had its own degree of difficulty.

And am I going to take it easy?  Probably not. During the last few months of putting together this TV pilot writing challenge for my playwrights group, I realize how much of an instinct I have for TV. I know what I am talking about. I have accomplished writer friends who are not asking the right questions of themselves in writing TV. It's like they forgot what to do from theatre to film. I know that all the scripts I wrote showcase something great about my writing. And that they are well constructed. It ain't easy.

But I want to keep pushing.  I don't want to stop. I'm excited by this new pilot. I have the outline and the bible written. Now it's just time to get it done this month and to work on getting representation. I have scripts I am ready to send out. It's time to do that.

I am grateful for so much productivity.
I am grateful for so much focus.
I am grateful for sleep.
I am grateful for quiet and rest.