The Things That Have Gotten in My Way

There are outdated ways of thinking that no longer serve me. The serpent has outlived its purpose.

At least that's what my tarot card readings have said. I have said that I need the serpent in the garden among the tall grass where I can't see him. And I have said things, either out loud or to myself, which have continued to keep me from where I want to be in my life.

My tarot reading also has recently said that I have one last challenge before I get everything I want. I have spent the past several weeks thinking about what that "one last challenge" might be. I also felt that it was tied to this idea of letting go of certain ways of thinking that have held me back. My tarot reading has also said at one point or another that my only limitation is myself. Reality is that everything I want is just waiting for me. I just have to reach for it.

What I'm realizing that that one last challenge is all of it. The challenge isn't in one part. It's one last challenge with many subsets, many line items. And I'm checking them off continuously, bit by bit.

I was at an event last night where I watched two of my favorite trans cabaret performers sing: Taylor Mac and Justin Vivian Bond. I looked around the museum courtyard where this event was taking place and I saw all of these fashionable, successful gay men. The longest romantic relationship of my life has been with a fashionable, successful gay man who didn't give a shit about what other people thought of him. He ran his own business. He was flamboyant in the best ways and he was unapologetic. I felt secure dating a person like that because he was the person I wanted to be. And when I looked at this room I was reminded of him. I always thought that is the kind of person I should be with because their strength would be like a security blanket for me. He would protect me because he's strong and fierce. But I also would feel comforted by the energy of a strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man.

Then I realized that I am meant to be that strong-minded, unapologetic, successful gay man. I have been working on that for a while now. Once I broke up with him I set the stage for that to happen. I am meant to be that person. That's the serpent that has outlived its purpose. I no longer have to take a back seat. I would tell people all of the time when we were together that sometimes you're Jackie O and sometimes you're JFK. But that was a lie. That wasn't the relationship I was living. I wanted that relationship, where both people could share the power as equals. My Ex wasn't interested in that. And I felt too comfortable letting him lead, letting him take care of me, letting him be in charge. I always used to say that I let him be in charge because he needed it. But I was continually ignoring what I needed.

Why do I mention that now? Why is that important?

Well, he was one of the serpents. And I got rid of him. But there's another, sneakier serpent who is hiding in the grass. But I let him into the garden. I am responsible for this serpent. The serpent might actually be a tapeworm or the alien in Alien who is trapped inside of me. I am the hero I have been seeking. That's some sort of famous saying, right? But it's true.

And the one last challenge is me killing all of those serpents, so that the hero can emerge. The things that have gotten in my way are me. And I am getting them out of my way. I am asking for help in the way that I need to. I am going to be in the relationship that I need to be in, which is the right one with myself. And anyone I'm with has to be on board with that or get off the train.

What does that have to do with writing?

How much I put myself forward is in direct proportion to how I feel I am deserving of being forward. If I let everyone else be successful and assertive and I even help to get them there at the direct determent of myself, that's on me. That does not mean that I don't want friend to be successful and that I won't even give them advice and help them. But if I am doing it because it feels more comfortable to have someone else take the risk, then I can't complain that I don't have the things in life I want. I want to be a successful, fashionable, unapologetic gay man. I have to direct that energy towards myself and help others from that place. It's the old example of what they say on airplanes: put on your oxygen mask first.

Everything I want is available to me. I just have to take it.

I am grateful for knowing I am worthy.
I am grateful for my power.
I am grateful for self-validation.
I am grateful for the things I know.
I am grateful for the wholeness that exists within me.