Last night we were at dinner for my best friend's birthday. There were about ten of us. I was sitting at the opposite end of the table and listening to my best friend talk to her mother about me.
"He's being courted by…"
My immediate response, as it always is, is that she makes me sound so much better than I am. The same thing happened when I was writing my screenplay in August because an outreach person at Sundance had emailed me. She told her family that Sundance reached out to me personally to submit this script. She made me sound anointed, chosen…courted. My response is always, "Oh, she's just making me sound good." It's this false modesty thing that I thought I had gotten rid of. But it's back. Like Jason, like Freddy, like Chucky.
I was just washing the dishes, after watching Elizabeth Gilbert on Super Soul Sunday, and thinking:
What if I actually believed her?
What if what she said was true?
Because it is. And even admitting that sends chills up my spine because I start thinking that people aren't going to like that I am so bold in praising myself or patting myself on the back. It's false confidence. Who am I to think so highly of myself? I go back to what my father used to say about not wanting me to have a big head. I go back to the disapproval I have gotten over the course of my life whenever I do something good: I get made fun of or I get knocked down.
I think about one particular moment in graduate school when a writer in the class below me, who is actually quite a successful and well-known writer, made fun of an evening of new work I had put together and produced. I did it relatively easily. A director friend of mine offered me a spot that had been given up to produce two shows of my own work in three weeks. And I did it. I got five directors together. I set up rehearsal time. I put up posters around school. I rewrote and rewrote. And then I heard that this guy made fun of it. He was pissed. He was threatened. And I remember immediately thinking, "What did I do wrong?" He had criticism about how the way I handled myself. He didn't like that I had forged opportunities. He never liked it when he didn't get his way and the fact that within the department I held a position of authority in producing a weekly reading series and that I had specific rules that I upheld…he just wanted to get his way all of the time because that's the way his life had always gone. So instead of support me and wish me well, he bad talked me.
And for years, I had guys in my life who represented that guy in different forms. I kept inviting "that guy" back into my life. I even dated him for five years. I even went to work for him. I kept inviting him to be a part of my life because I didn't know who I was without the person who disapproved. Because I had been taught that the only way to get better, to push myself, was to have someone in my life who really didn't like what I was doing. And when I had true, unconditional support, I dismissed it because I didn't believe it.
And that's what I was doing last night. In my head. For a second.
But what I did last night which was different from even a month ago was that I didn't correct her. I didn't believe her. But I didn't correct her. And that's a huge step. But now, only a day later, I'm ready for the next step. I am going to believe her.
Sundance contacted me personally to submit my script because they believe in what I have to say.
Every script I write is wonderful, incredible, well-written and deserving.
I am so gifted.
I write beautifully.
This woman who had suggested that I write a script about something that's personal to me is courting me.
She believes in me.
She sees something special.
This is the woman who is going to help me along my hero's journey.
My tarot card said it four or five times in the reading.
My horoscope said it last month.
My horoscope said it again this month.
I am going to stop assuming that everyone and everything around me is wrong.
It is fine for me to be proud of myself.
It is acceptable for me to have a big head.
Because I also have a big heart.
I share what I know with people.
I am generous with my time, my knowledge, my self.
I am being courted.
I am chosen.
I am anointed.
I am stepping into the fullness of who I really am.
I am not stalling any more.
I am stepping into the light.
I am grateful for the knowledge.
I am grateful that for the past month I have been continually letting go of beliefs that no longer serve a purpose.
I am grateful that there are so many places for growth.
I am grateful to stand in the truth of who I am regardless of the reaction.
I am grateful to know myself and to continue on that quest.
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