Wholeness

Jane Fonda says that we shouldn't strive to be perfect, but strive to be whole. I think I heard that when she was on the talk show circuit a few years ago after publishing one of her memoirs. Then I heard it again when she was on Oprah's Lifeclass. It always sounded good, but I didn't know what it meant. I mean, I kind of knew what it meant: to be complete, to be integrated mind, body and soul, stuff like that. And it certainly seemed like the kind of thing one should strive for. But I don't think I totally knew what being whole entailed.

I've been meditating on the regular for the past several months and it has made an incredible difference in my life. I feel calmer and more able to handle life. I don't seem to have as much tolerance for the drama that used to inhabit my life pretty regularly. I've been incredibly productive in that time. I smile a lot more. And I just started this Oprah and Deepak 21-Day Meditation Challenge. I did one a few months ago that I really liked. And this one started going well this week. It's Week Two. Week One wasn't so great for me.

I had just finished a second draft of my new pilot. And I had planned that this would be my fifth and final script of the year. But I know how I get when I finish something. I get depressed. So I finished on a Thursday and the following Monday I was set to start the meditation challenge. I assumed that because I had given myself the gift of just focusing on writing for most of the year that I would take November and December to focus on other important matters, mainly money. I started the meditation challenge, which was about the Law of Attraction, focusing on abundance. I concentrated really hard. I kept seeing dollar signs in my head. I need money, so I started intertentionalizing.  My meditations felt really empty. They weren't satisfying. I kept looking for signs that it was working. I felt like one of those stereotypical bad comics who tap the microphone and ask, "Is this thing on?"

I wasn't feeling it, which I was fine with until I got an email from Oprah and Deepak at the end of the first week. They congratulated me for finishing the first week of the challenge. Then they talked about all of these things I should be feeling. I wasn't feeling any of them: hope, light, insight, etc. I was just feeling empty. And now I was also feeling like a failure. The two deities of new age spirituality told me I should be tingling and I am coming up short. But maybe it would kick in soon.

The first week was all about desire. So I closed my eyes, focused hard on my breathing, said the mantra a thousand times and waited for all of the good things to suddenly appear. I was forcing it. I was getting clear about what I desire. Nothing.

So I start week two ready to feel it! Then Deepak throws me a curveball and starts talking about how our deepest desire is for completeness.  Oh, that's an interesting thought. I just want to be the fullest expression of my highest self. I want to be complete. I actually already am. The goal is for the outer life to reflect the inner peace. That's completeness. That's being whole. And I don't need to do much because it already exists in me. I just need to get quiet and let the thoughts flow in and out of my head and just watch them float by. Don't hold on too tight to anything.

Then I had a thought:

When I am whole, I will get everything I desire. I don't get just a salad. Or the appetizer. Or the entree without the sides. Or dessert. When I am whole, it will be all inclusive. I'll even get a cocktail. I'm not going to cheat myself from having the experience of a full meal and the satisfaction when I finish that 15 course or 32 course or 150 course tasting menu. When you are whole, you get everything.

Ooh, I like that. I'm not on a spiritual budget. I can have as much as I want. Okay, I'm down with that idea. I really am.

I am grateful for the time it takes to arrive.
I am grateful for the new Norman Lear book I am going to read before bed.
I am grateful for what a joy it is to be me right now.
I am grateful for productivity.
I am grateful to be refilling my tank.
I am grateful for all I know.