Stop Keeping Score

I'm trying out something new.

I used to be very goal-oriented.

Five pages this hour.
Ten pages this week.
Finish Act One by Friday.
Lose ten pounds this month.

I'm trying not to keep score any more. Because I get freaked out. I feel like a failure if I haven't reached that number. And it doesn't feel good. Some people would say that it's the feeling of feeling awful that is a catalyst to getting work done.

I call bullshit.

Suffering is not going to make me better or work harder. Sure, it's our ability to withstand suffering and to be okay with being miserable that keeps us at the work. But I no longer seek it out. If suffering happens, I can withstand it. But I don't willingly invite it inside.

My more recent approach is to just sit down when I can and focus on the work. Right now, it's every day. And that's definitely preferable. But I realize that as a single, childless male I have an advantage. When I have less time to dedicate to the thinking, the pursuit, and the practice of writing, I'm in a better place. That doesn't mean I stop living or enjoying life.

But this numbers game and this setting page goals for the week isn't the way I get motivated. But if I say, I'm going to write every day and not attach a goal for what I need to get done, then I'm in a better place to be productive. Last year, that method of working got me to five scripts for the year. Now, the mistake in going into this year would be to try and top that. My circumstances for this year are different. I am looking for full time employment. And I am developing a play this year with a theatre company over nine months time. So most of my year will be spent working on at least three drafts of this play. I think that's plenty. I have a pilot I'm rewriting and have my third draft of the year that I'm working on already. That's not to brag. That's to remind myself that I'm getting stuff done. Because the internal monologue in my head is telling me I'm lazy.

That approach to not keeping score and not being so goal-oriented spreads out to other things as well. Of course, it makes me appreciate my journey. And it discourages me from comparing my journey to someone else's. I don't have time to compare myself to other people any more. And frankly, it feels shitty. Thankfully, every time I do it, it feels shittier and shittier. So I'm hoping that soon I'll be done with it all together. But it still gets me from time to time.

I prefer to live in a world where I share what I know and other people share what they know. I like the potluck approach to a writing community: everyone brings something and everyone takes a bit of everything.

I'd rather be a friend than a competitor. I learned that lesson last year too. Much better to be a cheerleader and a friend. And if someone doesn't want to be my cheerleader, then eventually they'll filter themselves out of my life. It's not something I have to worry about. Anymore.

I am grateful for quiet Saturday nights.
I am grateful for documentaries.
I am grateful for the theatre and its process.