I'm trying to write more scenes from this new play I'm working on. Today I have been successful at getting a check for some work I did, eating, watching a PBS special on Antony and Cleopatria hosted by Kim Cattrall, researching and watching the Independent Spirit Awards.
In my internet searching/procrastination, I ran into a clip from the TV Show The Real where Adrienne Bailon, one of the hosts and R&B Singer, was asked why she doesn't sing professionally anymore. She goes onto explain that she's afraid of not being successful and that she doesn't like the sound of her own voice. All the women on the panel start breaking down, then Tamar Braxton starts speaking. Tamar put out her first solo album at age 35. Tamar said that she now understood why she wasn't Mariah Carey at age 18, like she wanted to be. But she wasn't in it for the music, she was in it for the accolades. Then she advised Adrienne that maybe it's not happening for her because she's not ready yet. She told Adrienne that she's got to be in love with the music, not the stuff that comes with the music.
Something about that hit home for me. I have grown fond of a passage from the Bhagvad Gita that states that we can only lay claim to our labor, but not the fruits of our labor. I repeat that quote to everyone I know. I've mentioned it on the blog at least 20 times or so. And that passage has become so important to be because I moved to LA awhile ago to pursue a career as a TV writer. When I was in graduate school, I had a professor who encouraged me and said that I could have a career if I wanted it. He was someone who was very successful as well. So I took that advice to heart.
And I got close several times to things, but nothing ever solidified. Nothing happened on a certain level. I also have one regret that I have held onto for a long time. About six months after I had moved to town, I had gotten a job with a manager who also signed me. Around Christmas time that year, I had an agent who wanted to sign me and I left it up to my manager to handle it. He didn't think it was a good idea and then he said he'd handle it and never did. Now knowing how hard it is to get an agent, for a long time I regretted that mistake. I learned a few lessons (years later) from that. I learned that I can't put the power of my life and well-being into some one else's hands. It would be years until I figured that out. Then I thought about the person I might be if that had happened. I might have been successful. I might be rich now. I might have gotten all the things I wanted: fame and recognition. Then I would have spent the rest of my life seeking out that sort of validation. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been happy or learned to cope. I might have stunted myself as a writer by being stuck as a comedy guy. The truth is that I'll never know if it would have been better or worse.
But here's what I can say about my experience in pursuing a career in the business. It was nothing but me putting my happiness in a remote control car and giving someone else the remote. I never knew what would happen. I never knew if I would be okay. I was not in control.
And here's the thing I now know about myself. I didn't want it for the right reasons. I am a talented writer who fell in love with writing because it was a unique gift I had and could share. It helped me cope with a difficult childhood. Then I got to grad school and started thinking about what would happen if all of these dreams came true. Then the dream became more important. The money and accolades and recognition became all I wanted. I would have done anything, written anything, said anything just to get that nut. And my passion for the art was gone. The thrill of the chase was alive and well. But I didn't know who I was as a writer.
Then life intervened and other things became more important. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I am now in a place where I love writing and I will continue to do it because I love it. So if the reward is that I got the love of writing back, then I am perfectly happy. If my path takes me in other directions, then I will ride that wave. But I won't give up my love of writing and I won't stop fighting for my voice to be heard.
I see certain peers of mine in their pursuit of the golden ticket. I understand that feeling. I remember what that feels like. It's a bit like being sober and watching your friends who may not have a problem drinking. It was my problem not theirs. It's fine that they are in pursuit of it. For me, the anxiety of not feeling like I was good enough--which I did to myself--is not worth it. I would rather make room for happiness.
And on the other hand, when you're ready for it, and when you do it for the love of it then maybe those things come. And if they come, I welcome them. And if they don't come, I am happy at the place I'm at now.
It's funny that it took an episode of a talk show to speak to me. But inspiration comes from everywhere.
I am grateful for wisdom that doesn't hide itself.
I am grateful for TV.
I am grateful for the productivity.
No comments:
Post a Comment