Groundhog Day

Okay, so yesterday was ACTUALLY Groundhog Day.

But every time I start a new project, it feels like I'm starting all over from scratch. It's like I've never written anything in my life.

I get nervous.
I get sweaty.
I start worrying.

Resistance grabs a hold of me and I get involved in all of my anxiety.

Last year, I had to remind myself every time I started a new project that I knew what I was doing. That I wasn't lazy or stupid or incompetent.  I had to Stuart Smiley myself every single time. But I have a short term memory and I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough.

So here I am again.

I have been working on a rewrite of a TV pilot that I started in October. I've been reworking it since the end of November/ beginning of December. And I've been on top of the rewrite in earnest since January. I have been productive. I have been working hard, even though I have not been reworking pages every day since the beginning of November. But I had to reconceptualize and it takes a while to figure something out after it feels so airtight. And I'm still working on it, but now it's time to start on this new play because I have a reading of it in four weeks.

I'm trying to stay engaged in the work and not worry about what's going to happen to the work. I'm trying to enjoy that part of it.

But now I'm finding myself getting ready to sit down and I think:

How do I start a play?
Do I write characters down?
Do I start with scenes?
Do I just start free writing?

The good news is that I have a journal I have been keeping with thoughts about the play. I know certain things.

• Eight Actors
• Four of those characters are in high school
• Four of those characters are adults and will play multiple characters
• There is one event that repeats itself at least three times
• The audience plays a role
• There are procedures that happen
• There might be a drum sound or a cajone.

Then I think I'm going to write in my journal. And write some scenes and see where they fall. But that's how I'm starting this play. And that's partially because I have seriously forgotten how to write and how to start a play. So every time I really start "playing." I fuck around. I try things out. I don't get locked down to a certain way of doing things.

And then it all depends on the kind of play I'm writing.

Last year I wrote a play that happened backward in time and had a big reveal in the middle of it. So I had to outline scenes so that things would track. I had music in it, which I like to do a lot. I also had these huge sermons in it, so I did have a tentpole, which I mounted the play on.

Two years before that I wrote a play that had a linear structure, but again, there were these scenes where couples had to create a web page. And then there was a counseling session and an adoption interview. I like rituals I guess. They give me something to hold onto. I had scenes that were about an activity. The play was structured around those activities.

This play is going to be less plot driven and structured, so I'm not going to plot out my story. I have things that I would like to have happen and then I'm going to structure it around that. I like to treat each play individually and create it in a way that will reflect its structure.

So maybe that's why I don't know how to write THIS play. Or any play when I start. Because I treat them all individually and I don't judge them by the way I wrote the last one. I don't compare them to each other. I raise each one differently, depending on the personality of that child--I mean, PLAY.

So even though today starts like every other first day of school, the year will prove to be completely different based on the things that happen. This play has its own individual rules, vibes, feel and attitude. I'm excited to see what it grows up to be.

I am grateful for the beginnings of things.

I am grateful for grace.

I am grateful for enthusiasm.

I am grateful for good energy.

I am grateful for good friends.

I am grateful to be productive.

I am grateful to feel good.

I am grateful to have written today.

I am grateful to have applied for a job today.

I am grateful for the things ahead of me.