I'm a writer, which means I spend a lot of time in my head. Too much time if you asked my boyfriend. Too much time if you asked my family and non-writing friends. And if you asked my writing friends, they'd say to take all the time I need.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be friends with everyone, and I thought there was something wrong with spending time by myself. That's because I spent a lot of time by myself and not by choice. I was a loner, but not in that cool James Dean or James Franco way. Not in the way that great novelists spend time alone. It wasn't hip to be reclusive when I was 10 or 12. It just meant that I was ostracized. It just meant that I was different and strange.
But somewhere along the way, I got comfortable with being alone. Maybe it's once I spent time with friends, which was a new experience for me as I got into my high school and college years. Once I realized that people did like me and could like me, I got comfortable with my alone time again. And once I started writing, I realized what I comfort it was to be alone in my thoughts. Not just comforting, but a necessity. I really need to be by myself.
My boyfriend's a drummer and he gigs a lot. So I am alone a lot these days. Necessarily alone. I can't create a world unless I've got the silence of my own head. Sure, I then need to let the idea breathe and become someone else and that's why collaboration is vital and essential. Eventually, I need to get out of my own head. But that impetus is necessary and that only exists in stillness. I can spend whole days alone and hours in silence. Whenever I drive to the Bay Area, I spend most of the time in silence because that's when the ideas pop out. Then I get a notepad and I write them down or I make a stop and I pull out my lap top and start jotting down ideas.
It's amazing what can happen when you turn of the noise, when you let go of having to come up with a brilliant idea that will change the world and you just listen.
So today, like most days, I am by myself. I went to the library today and just did some jotting down ideas of scenes that I need to have in this new play of mine. I wrote a bunch of the actual script yesterday. But today I just needed to think about who these characters are and what scenes I am interested in writing. I sat by myself and had lunch. I drank my tea and my water and ate my kung pao chicken in silence thinking. I walked to my car alone. I drove to the library alone and then came home. I am sitting on this bed typing right now knowing that I've got at least six or seven more hours of alone time until my boyfriend gets home. And I relish it. It's so good to have this time to think and write and procrastinate and waste time and be inspired.
It's good to commit to the time and space it takes for ideas to grow. Other influences are great, but ultimately it's just me and that page and I can't be afraid of it. I can't let anything, especially fear, get in the way of me filling that blank page. And the best thing about being alone is that I can be as strange, as odd, as weird, as complicated and as embarrassing as I need to be.
No one's watching.
I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for the patience I have to let these ideas happen.
I am grateful for certainty.
I am grateful for the unknown.
I am grateful for curiosity.
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