I have a lot of successful friends. That's what happens when you roll with a hard working crew. And everyone has a different story for how they "made it." The truth is that no one ever feels like they've made it. It's a constant climb and once you reach one level of success, you realize that there are even further levels to go.
It's funny how we can all look at each other with envy and covet what the other person has. The grass is always greener. I remember working in an entertainment office and watching writer after writer land staff jobs and development deals and get their shows picked up. I would be so jealous because that's exactly where I wanted to be. It was difficult to sit there every day and answer phones, knowing that the dreams I had for myself were coming true for them. It was torture.
It has been said that as a culture we need to redefine success. That's sometimes hard to do when you see people getting richer. But for me, it all comes down to the life I want to be living. Of course, I want to push myself constantly. I don't want to stay in one place. But it's important to be happy at where you're at. Or at least appreciate it. If you don't know how far you've come, how will you know that you need to keep pushing? For me, it's very practical. I don't want to live in a place of constant unhappiness.
Not that I live in a place of constant happiness either. I live in this place of being hopeful, but there's always that part of me that feels like I'm not good enough. That part pushes me sometimes. And other times, it punishes me. I try to manage both. The thing I have to remember that there are many ways to get to where I'm going. So just because one person won a contest and another person got a job as a writer's assistant and another person happened to meet a show runner at a party, that doesn't mean that it's going to happen for me that way.
I decided at the beginning of last year that I wanted to develop the skills it took to be on staff. I could take a job as a writer's assistant (but even those are hard to come by), however that would prepare me for the hours of the job but it wouldn't allow me time to actually get the kind of writing done that I'd need to get done. I'm not the kind of person who believes you need to be a writer's assistant first. It helps in certain ways and it gives you access. And that's helpful. But working 12-14 hour days makes it harder to get writing done.
So I decided to just start writing and to see how much writing I could get done in a year. My goal was going to be productivity. By June, I had written three scripts. I had written a play, a pilot and a spec script. At that point, the Universe opened up an opportunity through a friend of mine to have an office. At first, I thought it was because I had the office that I got so much work done. And that was true in the moment. I had a place to go to every day. I was living the life of a writer who had a set schedule and showed up. It was so important to really get me going. Then I had to give the office up. But not before I had finished five scripts in nine months.
I started this year knowing I had an opportunity to work on a new play with a theatre company out here in LA. I decided to just work on the play from February to September. I wanted to work on the pilot I had to rewrite. I wanted to do other things, but I kept coming back to this play. And I wrote about ten drafts of it with the help of readings, dramaturges, actors, directors, etc. I thought that 2014 was about productivity and that 2015 was about working on one project and focus. Yes, it was about that. But now I realize that 2014 was about productivity alone. And 2015 was about productivity with support from other artists. Yes, I worked mainly on one project the whole year. But yesterday, I finished a new pilot script. And today, I'm sitting down to work on two projects simultaneously that feed each other. So if I get this TV script done this week and the play done by the end of the year, I will have four scripts written this year. And if I do the revamp of last year's pilot, which is basically a complete redraft, that will make it five. Now I realize that all of last year's work has developed that productivity muscle in me to the point where I've even worked harder this year. Even though I only had "one script" as of last week, the amount of drafts that I had done and the amount of work I had done amounted to more than I got done in nine months. And I got that script done in eight months. I'm getting faster, stronger, better, more efficient, more creative, and deeper in less time.
So all of that prepares me to write scripts under deadline. The next goal is to get representation by the end of the year. I have these scripts I've written that are strong and showcase me as a writer. Now I need to get a team of people to send my work out. But I can't do that without the material. I've taken these two years to get material together, to get my confidence in my writing together and really to become a different writer.
When I moved to LA, I wanted to be a comedy writer. I had encouragement from teachers at NYU and I thought that was the path for me. I locked into this idea about myself. Then someone told me that my humor would better serve me if I was a drama writer. At the time, I didn't think my work was deep enough to do that. I always hid behind what I thought were my comedy skills because I didn't want to go deep with the work. I had a barrier: fear. As I wrote more material that became serious, I began to see how I could be a one hour writer. Then as I've had life tragedies: a dysfunctional relationship and break up and my father died. That forced me to be a lot deeper than I thought I could be. And I just wrote a political drama. I never thought I would be able to do that. And I did it my way.
My friend Darin told me that he wanted to see what kind of play I would write about school shootings. That gave me the confidence to write a play with humor about something tragic. I never would have had that confidence if someone didn't just open the door a little bit. And if I had a full time job this year, I wouldn't have been able to write that play in the way I wrote it. I have to appreciate where I am at and the road I am on. If I spent all of my time complaining that I don't have a regular day job, then I wouldn't spend focused time writing. And because I spend all of my time writing, I get all the validation I need. Eventually, I'll get to where I want to get to. But if I worry about how long it's taking to get there, then I'll drive myself crazy and maybe even get off the road. But if I just look at what's in front of me, eventually I'll look up and be where I was headed.
So today I need to remind myself that this is the right path. And I need to remember it tomorrow and next week and next month and six months from now and next year. And the years after that.
I am grateful for now.
I am grateful for Mary J Blige on repeat.
I am grateful for fast, active typing fingers.
I am grateful that I got a pilot written in two weeks.
I am grateful that I've got ideas.
I am grateful I've got a lot going on.
I am grateful for a workspace.
I am grateful for a full tummy.
I am grateful for great friends who remind me.
I am grateful for love and support in my life from all angles.
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