Getting butts in seats. That seems to be an age old goal of promoters and producers trying to get people to attend their shows. But the same can be said for a writer who has to get into the same chair every day, even if there isn't a guaranteed paycheck at the end of the tunnel. Or a lot of accolades.
But the thrill of accolades are a myth. I think that you still get in that chair the next day after winning a big prize or getting a big paycheck and you still think, "Fuck. How am I going to do it today?" It's that proverbial blank page. And it's real cute when you're in school and professors are trying to motivate you and they talk about staring at the blank page. But it's scary when you actually have to look at a blank page and go, "What now?"
I had a successful reading last month. And none of that matters because I still have to go and write the next thing. Even coming from a healthy and whole place of just wanting to attach to the success of the work and not the outside appreciation of the work, I always feel like shit in the days after finishing something. Because it's done and you need to do it again. You need to start from scratch and come up with another idea. And even when I'm not clawing at trying to find a new idea, even when I have a new idea that I'm just waiting to start, it's difficult. I don't remember the thrill of people coming up to me and telling me how much they liked my work. And maybe that's a good thing. It keeps me pushing and keeps me out of the place of seeking that feeling again. I behave as if I'm just starting over again.
I never think I can do it. Isn't that an insane process to put myself through? I never think I can create something. I guess that means I don't go in over confident. But I go in with no confidence. I'm assuming that's probably not good either. I've sent everything off for this play. All of the play development folks have it. I sent it to some theaters. It's the best thing I've written thus far. It has everything going for it. But now what happens is not up to me. I truly am just happy and grateful that I wrote it and that it's effective and smart. I love that it's also funny.
It was also affirming that I brought in 20 pages of something new to my writer's group on Saturday and the first reaction from the moderator was that he wanted to play the lead role. It was a juicy, meaty part. And he wanted in. He's not a brown person, so he can't play the part in life. But that was a complement to me and to what I'm trying to write that he liked it so much. I've been quiet in that writer's group because I've been writing my other play and I didn't want to bring any of those pages into this group. I didn't need the extra feedback from yet another group of people. So to hear such a strong positive reaction was a thrill.
But that thrill is gone. Today. Three days later. I've only written five pages since then. I'm trying to figure out a pilot version of this script to get into Fox by Friday for a contest. I have nothing of that written. I'm just as scared as I've always been. I'm thankful that people like the work, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't let me rest on any laurels because I think that there's still so much work to do. The pressure's still on.
And this play is so much more deep and personal in terms of my own life. The other play was deep and personal about school shootings. This is a more intimate affair. I'm writing about events that actually took place and shaped the past few years of my life. I've never put myself in a play. That feels risky and scary. But I have to take the risk. I don't like repeating myself. I don't like feeling like I'm just doing another version of the last play I wrote. That would make me so sad. It's to my detriment in a way that I make it a clear goal to write so differently from the last play I wrote. There's no definitive style there. There's no apparent brand or formula. I prefer it that way. I see writers who write the same way over and over again and I think they get bored. Because it's a law of diminishing returns, in my mind anyway.
But it's so weird to forget what you do well. It's so weird to feel like you're starting from scratch every time. It's weird that I put myself through it. It's sad that I put everyone close to me through it because I have that classic archetypal artistic temperament. I'm moody. I need quiet. I don't want to be talked to. I get very withdrawn. But that's the way of the writer. In my non-writer life, I'm happy and excited and talkative. But when I'm writing I need solitude. Not everyone understands that. And I've found that without those conditions, the writing doesn't happen in the same way. That's just the way that I am. It's not the way that everyone is.
But here I am just typing words and thoughts down on a computer screen in order to get started. This is also the process…
I am grateful for the process.
I am grateful for my temperament.
I am grateful for the words.
I am grateful for quiet.
I am grateful for patient and loving people in my life.
I am grateful for love and tranquility.
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