Insecurities

I just watched Carrie Brownstein on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and I thought she was really insecure and timid and utterly charming. I also was a little uncomfortable. And at times I thought, "Wow, she's so relaxed on Portlandia that this is weird." And yes, it's a little weird.

Sometimes I wonder if that's a put on thing, the insecure, awkward artist. It feels like such a relic of the 90s, where she first became famous as a member of Sleater Kinney. Artists today are so media savvy and trained and articulate. They've got a curated wardrobe and perfect hair and have this confidence that I never associated with creative people before.

I'm caught somewhere in the middle. I like being at parties. Because I like talking to people. I like learning things about people. But I also like standing back and just watching things happen. I like having my drink and standing in the back and just watching things go by. I really love that. But I also like dressing up and looking like the cool kid. I've got long hair now. That kind of makes me cool.

Actually, Colbert asked Carrie if she was cool. Just flat out, "Are you cool?" She recoiled, embarrassed by the question. She said that the answer was kind of a double edged sword. If I say yes, she said, then you'll think I'm not cool. But if I say no, she said, then you'll think I'm selling myself short. So she got out of it by saying that she's kind of cool sometimes in her own mind. That got huge applause. Which means that she answered yes without answering yes. She just proved how cool she was. And it was a bit of fishing for a complement, which is totally uncool.

But this made me think. How much of our insecurities speak to who we are? How much of those insecurities get in our way? Do they define us? Do we create a character out of them? I'm insecure way more than I'm secure in myself. I'm having an insecure day. My foot is itchy and I haven't been able to get much done today. I'm sitting in bed and typing this blog post pretending that I'm actually getting writing done.  It does feel nice in a way.

But I watch people I know feign this insecurity and I wonder how much of that is Carrie Brownstein's answer to "Are you cool?" It's fishing for a complement, which still makes you both cool and uncool at once. It's weird.

To me, everyone is cooler than me. I never look right. I just feel out of sorts. I wish I was about 30% cooler than I am. Maybe I would reach more of my potential then. Maybe if I had tighter jeans and shinier shoes and perfect hair, I could do more in the world. Maybe if everyone wanted to have sex with me and I had six pack abs and I always had fresh breath I would get more jobs. Maybe if I lived somewhere else, I'd be better appreciated. Maybe if I had made that other choice…

But I guess that's my insecurities coming out.

I am grateful for that which makes me vulnerable.
I am grateful for awkward pauses.
I am grateful quiet afternoons.
I am grateful for good friends.
I am grateful for walks.