Worthiness

When my brother and I were going through my Dad's things when he was dying, we came across a Certificate of Achievement from Loyola High School, the high school I went to. The certificate was given to me as an 8th Grader and it said that I scored in the top 1% of everyone who applied to go to the school that year on the entrance exam.

I remember when I saw that certificate. I was shocked. Either I didn't remember receiving it or my parents kept it from me. Either way, I wasn't living the life that someone that smart should be living. I often downplayed my intelligence or I just thought I wasn't that smart. Ever since then, I've been determined to live that person's life. Not that I thought that meant I should be rich or famous or anything that requires luck. I wanted to live with the understanding that I am capable and worthy.

And slowly over the past three or four years, I have been getting there. However, there are moment that come along that remind me to reconnect to that top one-percenter.

I just had a play reading about three weeks ago of a new play that I have been working on since February. The play has had many readings and different incarnations. My team, including my dramaturg and director, had been working their asses off to get this reading together. Casting, coordinating, rewriting, rehearsing…so much went into making sure that the reading went over well. And it did. All of that hard work paid off.

Yet at the reading it was really incredible to hear people say such positive things. I told people after the reading that I didn't see my work up there, but the work that everyone put in. And that's a very generous and nice thing to say. But I have to ask myself, why didn't I see my work up there? I worked hard. But maybe that I meant was that I didn't see the personal achievement, but I saw all the work it took to get there.

So my play's about training students for a potential school shooting through training drills. It's a serious topic. It's relevant. I believe I honor the seriousness of the subject, while at the same time pointing out that what we're doing is creating anxiety, fear and potentially more violence. Because of the relevance of these themes and the quality of the work, I feel that the play has the potential to touch people and to get produced many places. And I was on board with applying everywhere and just sending it out into the Universe.

Then the school shooting in Oregon happened last week. And my feelings about the play's relevance started to change. Here was a fresh school tragedy, one that I warn about in my play. So now does that mean that I'm capitalizing on tragedy because now my play has greater relevance? I have been struggling with the feeling that I'm benefiting in some way. That has not kept me from talking about the play or Facebooking links to relevant articles or sending it out. It's true that the recent events will make the topic seem more current. Theatres might be looking for a play about school shootings. My play also takes place in Oregon. I even heard from a theatre that wanted to read my play because they are looking for plays that speak to this subject.

As an artist, I want my work to speak to people. I want it to speak to a lot of people. And I want it to matter. When I write, I write because I want it to mean something. Everyone has difficult relationships, or neglectful parents or resentment or countless other general experiences in common. I've written plays about all of these things. My big goal is that the story connects. And now I have a story that is already connecting, yet somehow I feel that's exploitative.

So I go back to this feeling of worthiness. That my first instinct when something positive happens is to retreat and not stand out. I have to unpack that.

This play has taught me so much in terms of my own worthiness. I've stood up for myself and my work more than any time I can recall before this. I've had to put my foot down and push for the things I know the play needs. That has not always resulted in the kindest conversations. But I believe in the message of this play and I believe in all of my collaborators. My voice raising was only in support of the team. It was never for personal gain or personal ego-inflating. And you know what? Every time I raised my voice, the play got better. The play benefitted from me bringing issues to people's attention. As my voice got firmer and stronger and more assertive, my play got better. I protected it. So I'm no longer afraid of standing up for myself firmly and assertively. I do have to check my ego. But as long as I'm not on an ego trip, standing firm works.

I also have to stand firm in the realization that my play is about something important. It's not just personal any more. It's public in the best possible sense. So if the play speaks to people, if it gets produced, if it gets awards, if it gets me contest money, if it takes me places, if it gets me into New Dramatists or the Playwrights Center, if it gets me a teaching job, if it gets me a TV job or a development deal or a script deal or an agent or a manager, it will be because what I did was say something about something that needed to be said in the way I said it. This play restored some balance in the world and was a message the world needed to receive. Those things won't make me feel better than anyone else. With this play in particular, it's the message that needs to be carried forth and I'm the lucky guy who be the messenger of that message. It's humbling more than anything else.

So now I just have to write the next script with that same worthiness. That's the key to the things I want in my life.

I am grateful for knowing I am worthy.
I am grateful for popsicles.
I am grateful to see good friends achieve great things.
I am grateful for my own accomplishments.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful for the proliferation of ideas.
I am grateful that the well still has not run dry.