The Great Lie

You're no better than anyone else.

That's the great lie. Because sometimes you are.

My parents drilled that into my head because they wanted me to learn humility. But they drilled it into my head because that's what their parents drilled into their head. Because that's what they were told. And being poor, without a college education, and without the material things that people around them had, the idea that they were no better than anyone else was reinforced.

But the fact of my life is that I am better than some people. I am worse than plenty of people. But I am smarter and better educated than some people. I am kinder. I am more generous. I am more handsome. There are plenty of people above me, but many people below me as well. So, while I'm not better than every body. I am better than some.

Why did I just give my ego a big boost? Because the big lie that I tell myself based on the great lie is that I am not ready. Because I am no better, I need to get better. And I still need to get better. And I'm still getting better. So while I'm still climbing that infinite ladder, other people are getting ahead of me because they're not concerned with being the best or being perfect. They're happy to grab onto an opportunity where they're at now. Because they believe they're good enough now. I've never believed that. I always thought I hadn't earned it yet. So while I continued to get better and better and got closer and closer to opportunities, I didn't give off any vibes that I deserved it.

Is that why things haven't happened in the way I want them to? I don't know. But I know now that I'm deserving and that I'm ready now. I am better at story than some. I am better at characters than some. I am better at motivating people than most. I am better at making people better than most. I'm reading Judd Apatow's book, Sick in the Head, right now and he talks about Mike Nichols. The first time Nichols comes up is in a conversation with James L. Brooks the day of Mike Nichols' passing. And the thing they talk about is how generous he was. When an actor made a mistake, he said it was his fault. And when they did something great, he gave all of the credit to the actor. I love actors. I admire their talent and I'm glad they're good at what they do because I'm not good at what they do. But I do know how to make them better.

During the workshop and rehearsal process for my last play reading in September, I learned how good I was at making actors better. I had an incredible director and she pulled great performances out of our actors. But I listened to them and made rewrites based on what would help them understand the characters better. We lost our director to a prior commitment for our last rehearsal. I remember sitting in the audience while scenes were being read and laughing my ass off when something was good. Then I chatted with them later about how great they were. And I sent them emails about the things I loved about their work and the things that inspired me. I didn't give them direction per se, but I was clear and generous about what I loved. If I had notes, I gave them. But they already knew I was such a fan of their work that those notes took on greater meaning. They leaned into them more. The night of the reading, they were phenomenal. And it was then I realized how good I am with actors. Better than most.

I am writing two new pilots before the end of the year. I have thought about them. I have researched. I have kept a journal. I have written a lot of pages fast. I continue to read and watch things that will help me without getting into a panic. I appreciate the good things about each of the scripts. They are not as personal as the play I used worked on for eight months. But they don't have to be. I know what I want to learn from each one. I am writing a cable show and a network show.

For the cable show, I have two protagonists. It's a period drama. It takes place in 1970s New York. I have a sense of the visuals as I'm writing. I know this story takes place while the feminist movement is gaining momentum. It's at the beginning, but really the golden time, of the gay liberation movement. It's an aspirational fantasy and because of that it doesn't have to be real. It must be truthful. But reality isn't a part of what I am going for. Sex and the City was an aspirational fantasy. And this is no Sex and the City, but I can take some liberties. I can go further into the fantasy and that's exciting to me. I love the history of it. I love what it's going to say about women and minorities as these two groups are finding their voice. Some friends have compared my idea to Mad Men. While there aren't aesthetic similarities, I want this to be about being a woman as much as Mad Men was about masculinity in that era. My women are liberated in a world where it's not about gender, but good looks.

For the network show, I'm loving the structure of a soap opera. I love writing these act breaks. I love writing these shocker moments. The structure of the piece is what appeals to me most. It's about mothers and daughters, and fathers and sons. It's over the top. It's glamorous and fun. It's more escapist. I'm excited to flex a different muscle. And that's thrilling to me. It's not about a political issue and it's not about my family history. But even though it's not personal in that way, I am writing about things that are important to me even though they may not be "important." I want to have fun with both and I need to just let myself go.

So I know what I'm doing here. And I"m better at it than some people I know. Again, I'm not trying to compare. But if I don't know that I'm better, I can't communicate that to anyone in the position to hire me. If I don't know that I'm better and can't let them know that, then how will they know I'm better? Because that's the only reason they'll hire me--if they think I'm better. Plenty of writers ride the wave of chutzpah.  They don't over think. And they don't compare and feel they need to know everything before they start. They just start. I don't need to earn my way in. I'm worthy enough now.

I am grateful that I am enough.
I am grateful for opportunities to express what I know.
I am grateful for all that I know.