I've used this blog as a gratitude journal for about two years now. At the end of every entry, I list at least three (my own rule) things I'm grateful for. These are small reminders that I need to live from a place of gratitude to appreciate what I have and not to undervalue my accomplishments.
I woke up this morning feeling funky. I've been looking for jobs. I've put a lot of out there into the Universe. Much like I feel a postpartum depression after I finish a project, I think I might be experiencing a little of that in the aftermath of finishing a slew of applications for play development opportunities and for jobs. Actually, I don't think I realized that until just typing that now. In any case, what I need today is a booster shot of gratitude. So this blog entry will be all about what I am grateful for in my life as of today.
I want to be right. I want to be good. I want people to look at me in a certain way and regard me as a positive, upstanding, uplifting spirit. I have the "good boy" disease where I am validated by people thinking I'm a good person. But I have my days. I don't want to be fake, but at the same time, negative thoughts creep into my consciousness and I have to actively reframe those thoughts. I woke up this morning feeling like a complete failure. Last night, I felt good about a long, complicated scene I was writing for a pilot I'm writing. But I did have a thought that I should write as much as I could while I had the energy because I didn't know where my energy would be at in the morning.
Is that a negative thought? Or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Because when I woke up, I felt shitty. Now maybe I was tired because I had stayed up late. Maybe I felt pressure to prove myself wrong. Maybe a lot of things. But I woke up feeling down. I came to the library near my Mom's house where I work when I'm down here. I locked myself into a private study room and I started by meditating. I love meditating. I can tell that I need to do it when I'm feeling this way. So I'm grateful that I have meditation as a tool to pull me out of my funk when I need it. It's available to me whenever.
I am grateful that I have the tools I need to get me out of my head space. One of those tools is a series of journals and blogs that I keep. Whenever I'm stuck on something, I know that if I start journaling about it, I will pull myself out of a stuck place. It's the free writing aspect that pulls me out. I stop thinking and I just start doing. I write and write about any thought that pops into my head. I am grateful for free writing. It doesn't cost me anything and it allows me the freedom I need to get out of my head. So it's free for more than one reason. I'm not sure why I just wrote that. It seems silly. But again…free writing.
Without fail, I free myself from the confines of my own mental prison of stuckness. But this is available to me every day. I just have to access it. I suppose that's like anything. I heard this story about Jim Carrey (it's a famous one) and how when he was struggling, he looked out into LA and thought that all of it was his, but he just hadn't accessed it yet. Everything I want is mine. I have ownership over it. I just have to access it. That's a simple thought to something we all make complicated.
My boyfriend is constantly telling me that it's not as complicated as I'm making it. I immediately resist this way of thinking and it gives me a tightness. It's a source of tension. And that tension tells me that my thought about what's complicated and what's over thinking is an area I need to look at in my life. Like a knot in my neck, it's letting me know that I need to address it. Maybe it isn't as complicated as I'm making it out to be and someone else has the answers. I am grateful for my boyfriend who tells me the things I don't often want to hear, but that I need to. I am also grateful that I can hear them and slow my roll when I need to.
I'm living the life I want to be living. Yes, there are things I'm lacking. But if I keep focused on the life I want to live and fortify that thought by doing what I love to be doing, then the rest of the byproducts of being productive every day will be there. People love to say when they're doing something they love for a lot of money that they'd do it for free. And the cynic in me says that it's easy for them to say that because they're making a shit ton of money. But maybe that's the mentality that got them there. And I'm proving that I would do what I love for free because I am. One day I will write for money. One day I will get paid to write. But the important thing is that I am writing now. I am grateful to be able to write everyday if I want to. Because that's the core of who I am. Some of these other jobs might be lucrative day jobs that help me keep writing. Some of these other jobs might be directly related, so that I'm writing and doing what I love. The important thing is that I am not stopping.
When I look back at my life five years ago, I was not living the life I wanted. Yes, I was making money. Yes, I was getting by. But I was spiritually depleted and sad. I was coming from such a place of unworthiness. I am grateful that I know my worth. These things take time to understand. But when you understand your value, you don't let it go. You know how to price yourself. And sometimes that's literal pricing and asking for the money you deserve. But more often it's about not accepting any mistreatment. And that's the greatest lesson I have learned in the past few years. I won't be mistreated and I won't mistreat myself. Like everything, there are moments where we succeed and others where we fail. But because I know my worth, I know to know when things aren't where they need to be. I am beyond grateful for the knowledge I've gained over the past five years. And I am grateful for every second it took to get there. I am grateful for the time spent.
I am grateful for the moment this morning where I woke up depressed. I am grateful that I got out of bed and put on a pair of jeans instead of driving over in a pair of pajamas. I am grateful for my car that has taken me places over the past ten years safely. I am grateful that it brought me to the library safely. I am grateful that a private room was available for me to write in this morning. I am grateful that my computer works. I am grateful that I got to meditate this morning. I am grateful for the questions that Deepak and Oprah asked me to journal about. I am grateful for the ability to journal. I am grateful that I had thoughts this morning. I am grateful that the meditation worked. I am grateful that I had new perspectives in which to blog about. I am grateful for the articulate thoughts I have on the subject of value and worth. I am grateful that I have the mental space today in which to write down these thoughts. I am grateful for my fingers. I am grateful for my exceptional typing skills to get my thoughts out as fast as I have them. I am grateful to my mother for four consecutive years of typing class. I am grateful for the ability to practice fast typing every day as a writer. I am grateful that my mind and body are unified in how they work together. I am grateful for the smile that just came across my face. I am grateful to have things to be grateful for. I am grateful that this is my mantra today. I am grateful that I overcame my fear to get out of bed and to face the day. I am grateful that a healthier attitude was waiting for me once I got here and woke the sleepiness from my eyes. I am grateful to go to Mom's and to have food waiting for me. I am grateful that my cell phone works. I am grateful that I had hot tea to warm up my spirit this morning. I am grateful that I know what works for me and what I need to take care of myself. I am grateful for friends in my life to reflect positive energy back to me. I am grateful for my conversation with Carrie last night. I am grateful for a boyfriend who keeps welcoming me back even though I have serious doubts. I am grateful that I have patience with myself. I am grateful for random conversations that put things in perspective. I am grateful for strangers. I am grateful for lessons learned. I am grateful for books. I am grateful that the new Judd Apatow book was available for me to check out at the library yesterday. I am grateful for the sweet guy who works here at the library and always greets me with a smile and opens up the study room for me. I am grateful that he calls me Mr. Loo. I am grateful that he wore blue today. I am grateful for my imagination. I am grateful to have a place to come to. I am grateful for all the gratitude expressed in this monster paragraph all in bold. I am grateful to be done with this blog.
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