My Self

Today I had to go to a birthday party for a friend's kid. Last year I went and I had a kid with me. My almost three year old nephew came to visit when his Dad had to go to a funeral last minute in LA. So it was perfect, I had a little munchkin I could bring with me to a three year-old's birthday party. This year it wasn't like that. I was going to be the single gay guy without kids standing in the corner watching a bunch of kids bounce up and down in a room of bouncy houses. I didn't really want to be there that long. But I got a voicemail from my friend, the mother, this morning who said I could come hang out and catch up with friends. So I felt there was pressure to be social and visit and to not just come for the free pizza.

I got into a conversation with a friend of mine about Master of None, the new Aziz Ansari show on Netflix, which I have lost my shit over. I love it. I love the fact that he's Indian and making this show that doesn't always have to do with being Indian. I love that he's a little lost and is allowed to be, but not in a man child way. I love that it reminds me of 70s Woody Allen. I love that it's not like a TV show, but a short film every week. And I love that it's unexpected. My friend, who is married to a woman from India, had some interesting perspective on it. When we saw each other he said, "I was scared to have this conversation." We had chatted briefly at his Diwali party the week before about the show, which I was half way through at the time. And I did want to know what he and his wife thought of it. They watched the first four episodes in between the Saturday I saw him last and today.

He didn't love it, which is totally okay by the way. I'm not arrogant enough to think I have the best taste for everyone. I have the best taste for me. And we chatted about the things that he liked and didn't like. I realized that he wanted it to be more like TV. He wanted things to go wrong and pay off in the short term. He wanted set ups. He wanted jokes. And I love shows like that. But this show is not like that and I love that it works on its own terms. He wanted broader strokes.

I thought about this conversation as I'm reading Sick in the Head by Judd Apatow, my current reading selection. Maybe I like Master of None because I'm Asian. Maybe I like it because I love Aziz. Maybe I like it because I love Woody Allen. Maybe it's just good. I don't know. I know that I bring my own baggage to watching it, as we all do when we watch something. I love that it doesn't fill in all the lines for me and that it's messy. I love that Aziz is purely observational and allows it to just be. That's bold and exciting to me. Yet I don't feel like I'm lost or there's not a story. By the way, his wife wasn't the hugest fan of it either. I think there was this unspoken pressure she felt to respond to it one way or the other because she's Indian. One series or portrayal isn't going to represent the entirety of one culture. But what I appreciate about the show is how Asian it is and how American it is. It feels entirely modern in that way.

Why that tangent? I don't know. I'm reading a lot of interviews in Sick in the Head that are just resonating with me. I decided to read this book purely to just read what the writers had to say and not the stand ups. But then I started reading everything because stand ups are writers, of course, and the observations these people had about the creative process was enlightening. What I get from these interviews is that these people are so entirely who they are and that's the path they forge. It's easy to get lost or misdirected because you think, "I have to write this this way so I can get to the next rung on the ladder so I can make this happen, so this person can see that I can do that…" It goes on and on.

I had another conversation at the birthday party with another friend and we were talking about writing and teaching and this writer's group I'm a part of through the theatre company she runs. I love this writer's group. I feel like I can be myself and I can bring in work that's very raw and vulnerable. The actors are terrific and the writing is good. She said something that was so enlightening to me and that I had never noticed. She said that because the writers were so versed in how to talk about their own work, it elevated the conversation and the level of discourse. Oh cool! And that's true. Two of my favorite writers and people are in that writers group with me and I love just getting together with them to talk about work. It's so liberating to admit the things you don't know and you learn so much more when you realize what you really don't know.

I also talked about how I needed to detox from listening to what people thought about my work. I needed to detox from bad drugs, basically. And to me, being desperate to hear what someone thinks of your work, who isn't very good at bringing out the best in people they don't agree with, is like smoking shitty weed or doing coke that's cut with really cheap bad shit. Not that I know what either of those two things is like. I had people telling me what they thought about my work, but the basic premise of the conversation didn't come from a place of wanting me to be my best. They just wanted a close approximation of something else they had heard or read or seen work. But they didn't want me to be me. I had to stop taking that drug because it was having a really bad effect on my system. So I've just been writing things that I want to write and really building up those callouses. I had to toughen my skin so that I could seek out new representatives and this time really know what I need.

The past year and a half have been an exercise in me knowing what I need. I have spoken up for myself and it has worked more than it hasn't. That's the attitude I am going in with in looking for new reps. I am not desperate to get someone just for the sake of having them. If it's not right and if it doesn't serve what I need, then I don't need it. That's risky. But I don't want to be working from a place that doesn't feel genuine. That does not serve me.

People will treat me how I tell them to. And if I'm not right with my self, then they can only proceed based on the information I give them. It's all right for the cheese to stand alone sometimes.

I am grateful for good conversations at children's parties.
I am grateful for the four slices of pizza I hate.
I am grateful for relaxing on my friends' couch afterwards.
I am grateful for the books I'm reading.
I am grateful for the information I am taking in.
I am grateful for all the knowledge I seek.