I am Latino

I have been Latino my whole life.

But it hasn't been until now that I really felt embraced. As a member of the Writers Guild, I have the opportunity to attend different meetings for various groups I belong to. In addition to being Latino, I am gay and Asian. So I attend the Latino, LGBT and Asian Writers Committees. The group that's the best organized is the Latino Writers Committee. I've been attending the meetings for the past several months and I've been going to their events as well. So far I have attended a Meet and Greet with Current Executives and with Showrunners. I have gone to a gathering with CBS Studios executives as well. I am learning the landscape as I attend these various meetings. I'm beginning to understand my place within these groups.

I know that the older generation has a different agenda than I do. Their experiences are different from my own. I know that the women have a different experience than I do. And I find myself gravitating towards the gay Latino male writers. We have even decided to start meeting up together. I struck up a conversation with another gay Latino writer after the CBS event, which may or may not be flirting. But I've never had the experience of feeling like these people were mi gente. And even with the limited Spanish I speak, writing something like mi gente (my people) makes me feel closer.

I struggled with whether or not I was a Latino writer because I don't always write about Latino things. And sometimes I do. But I never felt like my experience was rooted in any real Latino experience. What does it mean to be Latino anyway? I feel like I've struggled with that for a long time. I don't speak Spanish. I don't have a Mexican last name. I started using my Grandmother's maiden name as my middle name about two years ago I think. I think that the Pacific Playwrights Festival two years ago was when I decided to add her maiden name to my name. And that festival is coming up this weekend. That's really the moment when everything changed - the moment when I decided that I would use her maiden name in addition to my last name. I wanted people to see that I am both Asian and Latino. I embraced my full identity then. And it has had major resonance since. I have only gotten jobs in TV after using this new name. I have been introduced to major circles with this new name. It's like I wasn't embracing who I fully am before this.

I remember having the conversation with my Mom about it. The thought occurred to me one day and I felt like I needed to run it by her. Of course, she thought it was a wonderful idea. I talked to my friends. I talked to my brother. I wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do. And when I saw it written out on a name badge for the first time, I thought - "This is me." I am an Angloized Mexican Chinese American Man. This represents everything I am about. You look at my name on a script and you get a large part of my story without having to talk to me. It's efficient.

I was so used to people meeting me and looking at me and asking, "What are you?" Some people are offended by that question. I have to admit I was never fully offended. I thought it was a little rude. But I understood that people couldn't place me. And now I embrace that. I'm not categorizable. I'm not easily put into a box. I used to fight that. And now I embrace it. I am three different minority groups. I have been anglofied by my experiences. But that does not mean I am white. It does not mean I am white. I am very clear on that. I am brown and yellow and lavender. And I am a bunch of other things because those colors have mixed and separate from those colors.

But being Latino matters to me. Because I have a Chinese last name I haven't felt as embraced. Because I don't look Latino to everyone, I have felt like I've been excluded from that identity. Although, if people ask me if I align with one side over the other, I would admit that I feel more Latino. I don't know if that's wrong to say or feel. But it's the truth. My grandmother was a huge influence on me. So it makes sense that I would use her last name.

I met with a manager a year and a half ago who said that I carried a lot of baggage with me because I used to work for this well known person in the industry. He said that because of that people would be looking at me a certain way and that it was detrimental. He thought I should use a different name. I said I already was using my Grandmother's maiden name. He thought I should drop my last name. It was the most cynical conversation. So I had to deny my experiences and my identity in order to prostitute myself to work in the industry. A month and a half later, I was working under my full name.

No one's an asshole intentionally. I guess some people who are really mean are. But most people aren't. They're assholes without realizing it. And this guy was being an asshole. He had been a friend. We knew each other as assistants. He was very successful and on the surface was a really nice guy. But he said a total asshole thing to me - as an "expert." But what I learned was that he wasn't an expert on me. I am an expert on me. He offered an opinion "as a friend." And that's when we're the most vulnerable. When someone comes to us "as a friend" because they're "just looking out" or they "only want to help." I invited him into my circle of trust. I reached out because I wanted advice, so I put myself in that position. I was a few days fresh out of a relationship, so I was really vulnerable. And then he dropped that bomb on me - no one's going to want to work with me because I've got baggage, so I need to do something about it if I even want to work.

The truth is that he knew me for a long time. And he's got the baggage. He didn't know me anymore, however.  And I became a better writer in the time since that meeting. If I had listened to him and given up, I would have been in a much different place. I got hired to work on my first show a month and a half later. I am teaching under that full name. I am living and existing under that full name. I am living my full self.

Yes, I am feeling more connected to my Latino side than ever. But that's the side that has gotten the least amount of press. Because I have signaled to the world that I am also Latino, I have been embraced by that side. And by nature, we're a warm people who believe in family. We embrace each other as family because of shared experiences. We're a loyal bunch. And we believe in raising each other up. We're going to be a strong force in the world because we believe we need to stick together. I'm feeling that energy a lot right now.

If I hadn't signaled that part of me, I wouldn't be embraced. It's weird that it takes something like a last name for people to believe you. But I no longer have to explain that I am ALSO Latino. It's right there when you read my name badge or see my name on a script or hear me introduce myself. And every time it appears or is heard, I am proclaiming myself to be. I am claiming who I am. I am acknowledging the fullness of who I am. And for that I am successful.

My intention is fullness.
My intention is to be everything.
My intention is embracing.
My intention is growth and expansion.

I am grateful for mi gente.
I am grateful for new friendships.
I am grateful to love all parts of myself.

A Free Moment

Life has kind of calmed down a bit.

For the moment. I'm sitting at the West Hollywood library - the site of many a writing session alone or with my friends Carrie, Larry, and Andrea at various times. I'm sitting here on my new MacBook Pro. I just got back from lunch with my friend, Dan - someone I've known for years and have wanted to catch up with for some time.

I actually have a moment to catch my breath. Since January 3rd, I've been working. And that has been an excellent thing. Our show is currently in production and they don't need me as much. I feel like I've been neglecting my students. My friends all tell me that they probably don't feel that way. But I'm used to being there to answer their emails at all hours or coming in early to meet with them. I've had to limit my office hours to the designated times and I've been putting off grading their assignments until later in the week. It hasn't been as easy to be the teacher I want to be for them.

But that's because I'm busy being the TV writer I want to be for myself. I couldn't be happier to be this busy. I'm developing new plays with my theatre company. I'm going to attend a national theatre conference in June in Portland. I'll get to see my brother and his family while I'm there as well. I need to make plans for May - maybe to go to Vegas to see my godmother or to go up to San Francisco to see friends.

Finally having some time to think will allow me to get work done. I feel like I've been running on empty a lot lately. I'll be back on set for the last few days of production in about two weeks, but for now, I can just readjust and see what work needs to be done.

I have a pilot to put the finish touches on - been doing that for the past two months.
I have a new pilot to write.
Maybe I have a spec to write.
I have a play that I want to continue working on - but I may even turn that into a pilot.
There's stuff to do.
I'm also directing a workshop in June.

I've given myself a lot of work to do and maybe not a lot of time to myself. My friend Dan and I were talking at lunch about having time to just chill the fuck out and let things happen. It's so easy to just fill space with nonsense. Sometimes it's important to be alone and relaxed. It's important to have days where you just blog and stare out the window at the beautiful city you live in. Not every day needs to be one where you get 25 pages of your pilot written. I need to be doing some more working out. I need to start watching my diet again. I need to have a little more self care. It's the time to do that. I had a little respite last month in Vancouver, but then I had to get back to work right away and then right back into production. So it was three weeks of a lot of panic and craziness.

I have class once a week for the next four weeks. That should be good enough. I have to finish this pilot. I feel like I don't have anything else hanging over me to get that done.

I'm usually not good with time on my hands. I get antsy. I get impatient. I get depressed. But today's okay. It's Wednesday. I'm going to stay here at the library and wait traffic out a bit. Then I'm going to chill the fuck out and watch Real Housewives of New York at home and get a good night's sleep before teaching tomorrow afternoon in San Diego. I don't have to get up early. I can head out the door at 10:30 AM. And I can relax on the drive down until I have office hours and then six hours of teaching. But until then - I'm going to take things at my own pace.

My intention is relaxation.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is self care.
My intention is rejuvenation.
My intention is calm.

I am grateful for friendship.
I am grateful for Wednesday afternoons.
I am grateful for knowing what I want.
I am grateful for good lunches at old restaurants.

Back, back, forth and forth

It's Spring and I still feel like hibernating.

As I'm getting older, I'm embracing the writer/loner/curmudgeon in me. I have to be a social butterfly on set. But the more I have to show up in my life, the more I need time to not show up. I need my alone time now more than ever. I often wonder if that feeling will ever plateau. Because being alone and spending time up in Portland doing nothing but reading books and hanging out with my niece and nephews is sounding more and more attractive - as long as I have an endless supply of money to live on.

(smiles)

Isn't that always the catch? I work because I have to and because I love to. I would be a mess if I wasn't a creative collaborator. I love hanging with my actors on set. I love flirting with the PAs and complaining about eating too many cookies and chips in the afternoon. I really do love it. I love having my headphones on set and chatting with my director about certain shots. I really love production. It's lonely to be a writer and have to force yourself to get shit done.

Yet...I love being by myself. I need to recharge. On Saturday, all I wanted to do was sleep in (7:45 AM is sleeping in for me - that's sad). I didn't do any work but I went to a party, to dinner and then to see a show with friends. On Sunday, I went to a Korean Spa and worked on some revisions for my pilot I've been revising for forever. And now I'm at a different K Spa waiting for my lunch and working on the same project.

I need to plan my next trip. I went to Vancouver last month, but any relaxation I felt from that was quickly swallowed up by having to head back to work for an emergency week and a half in the writers room. But that trip was pretty glorious. I explored a city I didn't know very well. I had lunch by myself while my best friend was at work. I hung out on her set while she was working. It was a pretty great trip.

The guild might be heading toward a strike and a big part of me is excited about a break, if that happens. I'm still teaching, which is both providing me with a steady income and preventing me from getting rest or having downtime. But I have to remember that I HATE downtime. I'm much better complaining about having too much than having too little to do. I'd love to go straight to work after the semester is done at school. I'd also love to have the strike to get some stuff done and to get on a show in the summer.

I'm so indecisive when it comes to what I want to do next. I could take a break and go see my brother and his family in Portland. I could also go up to SF and catch up with friends. I have these fantasies about going to SF for an extended period of time and seeing shows in Berkeley and the city and going to see friends in Santa Clara. Having great dinners over with pals. I have these intense fantasies of a leisurely writers life - with a trust fund.

The psychic told me almost a year ago that I would be busier than I thought possible. And at some point I'd take a break and be financially stable enough to do that. The truth is, I love the action. This is what I've wanted my whole career - to have a lot of balls in the air. I can't complain because I've got too much to do. But it was great to just have a Saturday to see friends and to hang out. But it's great to have the whole day on set and to feel like my presence matters. It's also great to have the freedom to head to the K Spa on a Monday and work before I have to head to a meeting for my theatre company.

I shouldn't complain. So I won't.

My intention is grace.
My intention is gratitude.
My intention is to work.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is patience.

I am grateful for this new computer.
I am grateful for the day to work on my pilot.
I am grateful for my students.
I am grateful for things to look forward to.
I am grateful for income.

Centering Myself

With so much going on, it's easy to get pulled off my axis.

Here's a list of things going on these days:

• Teaching two classes once a week.
• Production on Season Three of our show.
• Getting ready for staffing season and meetings.
• Revising scripts for staffing season.

At times, it feels like it's all a bit too much. When I'm not at work, I'm trying to catch up on my sleep. But when I'm sleeping, I'm aware that I could be doing other productive work things. I've got some meetings this week I need to prepare for - by watching many, many hours of TV. I'm supposed to be grading as well. And I've been sitting on set for my episode since Wednesday. It feels like too much, so of course my reaction has been to retreat. Typical.

I have been catching up on sleep, which is important. And I went to a get together yesterday and a play with friends last night. Plus dinner before and drinks after. It was a social day. But I also have to see friends. I can't just ignore my friendships. Plus, those friendships are with writers whose conversations always inspire and motivate me. These are people doing the exact thing I'm doing and we need to talk to get ideas out.

Having a few centering hours each morning feels both indulgent and necessary. I can't really function if all I'm doing is being social. And I forget that being on set and having to be "on" is about giving away energy. That has its own value for sure. Being a presence on set and participating in the production process is amazing. But I also then have little energy for other stuff. I know people who push and push and push themselves and give themselves heart attacks or the flu. I'm not that guy. I won't sacrifice my health. But that means I've then got less time to get a shit ton of stuff done.

All of that worrying I stopped doing a few years ago made room for me to get more done, but now that I'm in this rhythm, I've filled that space with even more pertinent stuff.

Which is why centering becomes important again. It's like a trash compactor making even more room where I thought there was none left. I have to remember that the time I take for myself in the morning at the gym and the drive to work and the drive home and the time it takes me to get up in the morning are all helpful parts of the process. Rest is just as important as action and drive. I slept about eight hours last night. I survive on 5.5-6 during the week. And none of that sleep is restful because I have the anxiety of production weighing on my brain. 

Here's the tradeoff - when I work I'm making money but eating like shit and not sleeping well. When I'm "off" I'm controlling my diet and sleeping, but I don't have any cash flow. I have to remember the lesson of all of those years of underemployment - take advantage of the resources you do have. If you don't have money, but you've got tons of time - use that time to get shit done. If you've got money, but little time for other stuff - spend all of your time at work and get everything you can from it and gift yourself in little ways, like going to the K Spa and getting massages. Be a little more social because so much of your time is spent working.

That perspective does come from meditation and from introspection. But I am feeling out of sorts a bit. I'm not freaking out. But I'm feeling like it's hard to focus on everything at once. Well, that makes sense. You can't possibly focus on EVERYTHING at once. So today, I'm working on my pilot I've been working on for awhile and focusing it. I can accomplish that in a day. 

Tomorrow, I will work on the comedy pilots I have to revise. 

Tuesday, I will be back at work, so I'll watch some shows when I've got down time between shots. I will also watch those shows when I'm too tired to do anything else - instead of watching my favorite You Tube videos. Tuesday's a light production day for my stuff, so I'm going to not do as much.

Wednesday - I'll be at work, but I'll have to get my grading done.

Thursday - I need to get grading done before I have to teach.  I'll spend the night in SD and sleep.

Friday - Day of Rest. I also need to start this new pilot and do some grading. Production will be done for me. I'll come back the last week of shooting to hang out. But other than that, I won't have any thing else to do with production.

Yes, that looks like a lot. And it will make the week go by fast and keep me busy. But it's what I have to do. Fortunately, I will be spending my days not at work at the Korean Spa getting this stuff done. I will treat myself. And we'll see what fruits emerge from me working from a place of being centered.

My intention is love.

My intention is openness.

My intention is trust.

My intention is to surrender.

I am grateful for great dinner conversations.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for love in my life.

I am grateful for production.

I am grateful for good collaborators.