Tastemaker

I remember being a kid and feeling like nothing I did fit in to anything going on around me. I loved TV guest stars and the Fall Preview of TV Guide and Barbra Streisand and the artists Marcel Duchamp and ManRay and the band Lone Justice. I was a strange little kid who didn't live in a world of his design.

I walked into the Coach store at my local outlet last week. Or what I thought was the Coach store - it was actually a pop up store for the entire Coach x Keith Haring collection. I thought I had walked into my childhood and I didn't understand why the whole world hadn't wiped out the store since everything was 70% off. I went another time last week to exchange something and then again this morning at 5 AM for Black Friday. The store was still pretty much intact. But that says everything about the world I live in and the world that everyone else lives in. I thought it was kind of amazing that the store wasn't ransacked. The first time I went in the store, I talked off the ears of all the employees because I couldn't believe it. I bought Christmas gifts there for everyone on my list. 

That kind of says everything about my life. The world and I are not always in sync. When I walked by the main Coach store at 5 AM, there was a line to get in. Yes, the whole store was 70% off, which is amazing. But the quality of some of the stuff there was not as good as what I got. There's a wallet there that is a version of something I bought six months ago for $40. The version they had was a bad copy of the same design - I'm assuming they couldn't use the exact same design because they didn't want to do a reissue. Anyway, that's neither here nor there - except it is.

I became a writer so that I could rewrite things that happened in my life exactly the way I wanted them to be. I'm doing that right now with a play I wrote that I'm producing with my theatre company. I wrote a play I wanted to write in the style I wanted about my family. I finally wrote a play that represents me in every way. And now I have a theatre company that wants to produce it - and because I'm a member of that company, I can have control of the vision of the play along with my director. But I have a voice.

I'm working with two producers on a project right now that I find very exciting. A producer brought me an idea for her to be in. This is someone I've worked with before and who I like very much. I took that idea and expanded it. She and her producing partner loved it. I worked on it more - and the expansion seems to be something everyone likes. We had a conversation earlier this week about the project. That conversation led into another conversation about the kind of room we'd want. And the kind of production we'd want. 

A lot of people believe you have to visualize something in order to manifest it. Visualize and manifest are big words out here in Hollywood. 

As we were talking, we started discussing our philosophy of having people of color and women as a mainstay of the production on every level. And our commitment to mentorship. I have to say that I haven't heard a producer talk that way before. At least not someone I had direct contact with. I've heard Ava Duvernay say it and Ryan Murphy and Jill Soloway. But I haven't had someone I work for say that to me. It was said to me in a meeting on a show that I really wanted to staff on by someone who walks the walk. 

I realized as we were talking that everything this producer was saying was everything I believe in. This led me to something that happened two years ago. I met for a job as a literary manager at a theatre in Portland. And I convinced myself that this job would be good for me because I would be a tastemaker. I could help other people of color get their voices heard in the theatre as an advocate. The truth was that I really didn't want to be an advocate in this way. I wanted a job and I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with it. But of course my heart wasn't in it and I didn't get the job. The best thing that happened was that I spoke the truth about who I am. And they didn't want it. It was the first time that I was made aware that I brought my full self to the table and it got flatly rejected - so that must mean that they are a wrong fit. I used to think that everything I didn't get would have made my life worlds better and that I fucked up by not getting it. I got a bad vibe half way through the interview process, which was a whole day of interviews. I knew they didn't want me and that I was getting a trip to Portland out of the deal. 

But that world TASTEMAKER stuck in my head. Then I got my first TV writing job six months later. And then I was asked to join a theatre company. And that made me a tastemaker because I'm given some decision making ability in choosing writers we put in our writers group and projects that we do. Then because of working on the show for two years, I met this actress who started a production company and wants me to develop the project that she'd star in for this company. And then I would have a real opportunity to affect change and be a tastemaker. So the goal was for me to be a tastemaker and once that goal showed itself, there were better ways the Universe was going to make me a Tastemaker.

But that's the world I want to live in. The world where I am hiring other people of color in my Writers Room. I am giving an opportunity to someone who has never been in a room - just like the opportunity I was given. I want gay people in that room. I want women and people of color in that room. I want a white guy in that room to witness how this operates and to go back and run his own rooms that way when his time comes. I want everyone to run rooms this way when their times come. That's the world I want to live in. 

I know that I want a Paleo option on every menu we order from. I know that I want Le Croix in the fridge and Larabars and couches. I know what time I want to start and what time I want to end. I know the kind of schedule I want to keep. I know the kind of showrunner I want to be. I want a room and an experience that reflects my taste. 

I want to be a Tastemaker in Film and TV as well as Theatre.

My intention is to be a Tastemaker.

My intention is to stand firm in who I am.

My intention is to collaborate.

My intention is to inspire.

My intention is to do the work.

I am grateful for real collaborators whose values reflect my own.

I am grateful for the appreciation I'm being shown.

I am grateful for the open heartedness.

I am grateful for the care being taken.

I am grateful for true friendships in and out of Hollywood.

I am grateful for love and compassion.

I Am an Artistic Leader...

...not an artistic follower.

What an arrogant thing to say.

I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.

After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"

I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.

What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?

Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.

Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?

I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.

Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.

I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.

And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.

My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.

I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.

Behind the Pages

I spent part of my Sunday watching a marathon of old "Behind the Music" episodes, that old show from VH1 that I absolutely LOVED as a kid. It was a one hour documentary series that talked about the stories behind the careers and hit songs of the biggest pop stars in history. I used to watch it when I lived in New York. It was the best. And the ones I watched today were from a revamp they did in 2010 with P!nk and Christina Aquilera. I geeked out all over again.

As I was geeking out, I thought about my own successes and failures over my lifetime and still-growing career. I love P!nk because she doesn't give a shit and she just does her own thing. She also writes some of the most searing pop songs I've ever heard. I love her music. And it made me think of this recent creative growth spurt I had - and hopefully one I'm still going through. I have been writing plays since college. They all were bad for a long time - even the ones that got me into grad school and the ones I wrote in grad school. I was all passion and no technique - reminds me of the kind of dancer I was in college - for a very long time.

Someone said to me in grad school that it felt like I was holding back. I could hear those words but I didn't know how to break out of whatever shell or whatever fear I was holding onto. I went for years like that. I tortured myself probably for another 8 years after that, trying to figure out who I was. It didn't help that I dated guys instead of doing that exploration. It didn't help that I gave up myself to an industry that didn't know who I was so it kept trying to make me the thing that sells. But I didn't have a debut album that sold 2 million copies (P!nk) or 17 million copies (Christina). I didn't have a grand introduction into the industry. I didn't have a stunning debut that I needed to prove people wrong about. My whole career has been leading up to my "M!sunderstood" album or my version of "Stripped." My life has taken its turns on a much smaller scale. But the same thing is at stake - making who I am known and laying that bare.

It wasn't until I started writing in a way that felt true to myself that things started to change. That really started with my last play, "Death and Cockroaches." If the play before that, "This is Only a Test" was my Off the Wall, Madonna or Justified, then D&C was my Thriller, Like a Virgin or FutureSexLoveSounds. The plays before that were like Janet Jackson's career before Control. They were my Janet Jackson or Beat Street. Yes, I know a lot about random pop culture.

My first musings in undergrad were ideas for plays about lounge singers and amnesia, a young adult going after his child molester, and then I wrote something that broke all convention. I decided that I wanted to do a student recital, but the theatre department wouldn't let me because I wasn't officially a major. I was only a minor. Oddly, this wouldn't be the last time I would be penalized for being a minority. And it wouldn't be the last time that I made the most of it.

The result of that effort was a collection of poems set to dance and music called "Breakthrough." I got all of my friends together - the island of misfit toys - and made something beautiful. I choreographed it myself, directed it and put it up. It was my Yentl. I wrote, directed, choreographed, produced and starred in it. It was the first time something I had created had such universal praise. My best friend from LA was there just three weeks after a tragic family loss. I felt like I had arrived as an artist.

And then I left college and completely switched gears and started doing other things. I moved to Portland and I worked for a crazy ad agency, one of the best in the world. I lived life and dated and had affairs and eventually made my way to New York where eventually I realized I wanted to write plays as a career. I was going to be a playwright. I wrote a play that immediately got me into NYU with a full scholarship and I thought I had made it. Then I wrote nothing but bad plays and bad screenplays and decent TV spec pilots. I was confused as a writer the entire time throughout graduate school, but still left thinking that my career was going to take off because I had graduated from Tisch.

Nothing happened that entire year after grad school, so I moved back to LA to pursue a TV writing career. I had written another spec script during that year and I had two comedy specs ready to go. I languished for a few months and then got a job and a manager after being in town for less than six months. Then I pursued all of my dreams while working a day job for seven years for a high level literary manager. And while I got close on a few staffing jobs and a Nickelodeon fellowship, nothing ever really materialized. I fell in love with an addict and spent my time living this grand Hollywood life, the life I had dreamed of. Now that I think about it, all of my Hollywood dreams came true. I went to parties and I travelled the world. I met famous people and flew on private jets. I really did have a stunning life. I lived in West Hollywood, wore beautiful expensive clothes and at the best meals of my life. But I was living someone else's life and forgot who I was. I went to bed at night feeling alone and like a stranger to myself.

So I left and started a new job and my life got marginally better as I sat in an office by myself reading scripts and being appreciated for the first time in a long time. Then my Dad got sick and my life changed forever and I wrote at home while he was sleeping just go keep my sanity. I had forgotten why I had started writing in the first place because I was so busy trying to be validated. I wanted to be rich and famous. But I got to live that life and I realized that it was empty. I got exactly what I thought I wanted, but I got it without earning it, without working for it and without getting acknowledged for the gifts I had inside. I thought I had blown my chance. Before my life had the chance to begin, I thought it was over. I was a petty, jealous, envious, shell of a human being and I thought that's the way I was supposed to be. I was totally competitive and rarely happy for anyone else's success because I thought their success was supposed to be my success. I was angry and bitter and I took it out on myself by drinking too much and being promiscuous when I should have been more faithful. Sure, I was always loyal, but rarely faithful.

Then my Dad died. And I didn't even know if I should be writing. It felt so empty. Actually, the thing that felt empty was the pursuit of validation. The writing continued to be bright and wonderful. And the deeper I got, the deeper my writing got. My father's death broke me open and now I just had to stand in my grief and let it wash over me. I vowed that first year to not run away from it. So I wrote. I lived. I didn't try to get another job to distract myself. I lived on unemployment until the last possible moment I could. Then I continued to be unemployed. I managed somehow. And I took some temp jobs and made some money from my former employer. I got into another relationship and took care of another person so he could pursue his dream. I made the same mistakes all over again, but didn't think so because this guy was kinder. But he still wasn't as supportive as I needed a man to be. But I didn't know that men could be supportive of me, so I wasn't looking for that. I didn't put that on my list.

During this time, I wrote two plays that I liked. They were good. They were funny. They were well constructed and they were somewhat personal. I wanted to make sense of my open relationship, so I wrote about that. And I wanted to make sense of someone's loss of faith, so I wrote about that. Also, after my Dad died I started writing about death. And everything I have written since has had a death in it or it spoke about death. But nothing happened with those plays. And then I got frustrated. And then I got irreverent.

So I sent in a proposal for a play that I wanted to write. I had seen a report on MSNBC about active shooter drills and it made me angry. It also inspired me because the idea felt so theatrical - these shooting reenactments. I knew it would involve a large cast - at the time, I thought eight. I knew it wouldn't be producible. I didn't care. I wrote a proposal that expressed my frustration and said that I didn't know what the fuck I was going to write because I haven't written it yet. But these are the stories I wanted to express. I wrote about the story I knew I didn't want to write. I was very clear about that. But maybe because I didn't give a fuck, I got accepted into this program to develop my play for eight months. And I poured myself into it. For the first time in a long time, I only focused on myself. I was working hard and putting in the hours. I was meditating, watching my diet, working out, and only working on this project for eight months. And while I was doing that my relationship fell apart because it was only sustained by my efforts to keep it going when it shouldn't have kept going. Once I didn't have the energy to give, we drifted apart and then we broke up. But the play I wrote was a triumph that didn't do what everyone said it would do. It got no awards or attention or a production. It didn't make me the playwright the world would know.

But it did a lot. It taught me to fight for my vision. It taught me to not be afraid to be unpopular. It taught me who to fight with and who not to fight with. It taught me that I could not get into trouble for fighting. It taught me to be the leader and custodian of my own play. It taught me to love actors and to encourage them. It taught me to love and encourage my director. And it taught me to fuck everyone else. Seriously, fuck them. They don't matter. They don't know my vision. They can go fuck themselves. And my play was the better for it. We had an incredible reading and I was proud of the work. But it did nothing for my theatre career.

After the break up, I got the opportunity to submit to a show my friend was running. After some initial encouragement, she had bad news: the execs didn't want to hire someone who had never worked in TV before for a web series. But she could get my work to them, other than that I was on my own. And I submitted this play which was the perfect sample. I got the job - one month after my break up. And then I wrote three episodes and got to be on set and got into the Writers Guild. I finally got the thing I had always wanted - and I was still struggling and trying to make ends meet - but this felt amazing. I knew I could do it again and I did again the following year when I got promoted to Co-Producer and wrote two more episodes.

But then I was also too busy to bask in any of that glory because I had just written something truly special. I went back four years to when my Dad was sick and I moved home to take care of him. I had finally been able to write about that time in my life with the utmost truth and honesty and in the crass, inappropriate, irreverent voice I had been developing all of my life. I started the play in October the previous year when everyone was telling me how brilliant the other play was and how it was going to do all of these brilliant things for my theatre career. I didn't want to listen or be swayed or be disappointed when that didn't happen. So I kept writing. And then I wrote something even more personal and moving. And when I finished it, while I was working on the show, the theatre company I had been working with in their writers group called me to talk about something. Then we had lunch and they offered me a workshop for the play. And I said yes. And then they said they wanted me to join the company and I couldn't believe it. I had the theatre community I had always wanted. I had a place where I could develop my own work and I could get something produced because I was going to produce it. It would set my voice free in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I'm going to write plays with the freedom that I can have a workshop whenever I want it. And I can have people read new pages. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone to make my career happen.

I also discovered a new dream on set. I realized that I want to direct - or at least try my hand at it. So I directed a play workshop this year and the company liked it. And I'm hoping to direct it next year. Along with getting ready for my production next year. I might be directing a play for the company and having a play produced. While keeping my career moving along. I wrote a TV spec pilot that I love. I'm teaching three classes this semester at SDSU where I've been teaching for four semesters. I'm finally qualified to apply for any full time teaching jobs, if I so choose to do so. But most importantly, my dreams have gotten bigger.

I have a new goal to direct a TV show when I get my own show on the air. In order to do that I have to start directing plays and short films - so I have new things to look forward to. I have always wanted to start choreographing dance again and maybe one day I'll get the chance. But I was never a great dancer. And I am a great writer - I have that natural gift. So directing seems like the obvious choice for me to explore and to use the skills of visual storytelling I used as a choreographer back in college. things re coming full circle.

Yes, I still want to get that next TV job. That is a goal. But in order to get there I have to continue to write interesting TV spec pilots. And while I was trying to figure out what I was going to write next based on an idea I have, I started writing out a treatment for another brand new idea. And that's going to be big and bold and fun to write. It's about a golden age in Hollywood. And it's about our social morays in another time. I also now understand that I have this other idea that has taken longer to figure out what it is. And some ideas are just like that. Some ideas don't pop out shiny because some ideas aren't shiny, but they still should get written. And it doesn't matter if none of these are produced or none of these get me jobs because these are the stories I have to write. These are the stories that are coming out of me As much as my Dad's death broke me open, writing "Death and Cockroaches" broke me open as a writer. I say it all of the time and it is so true.

More than anything, I'm excited about what's to come. I'm excited to get to know this new writer who I have become as a result of that play. That play will have reverberations in my career from this moment forward. I am a changed spirit because of that play. And the greater news is that I get to see that play produced next year. This year, I'm working on new pages. Next year, I hope to work more in TV as I have a produced play and direct another produced play. I honestly don't know when I'll be writing my next play, which I already have planned out. It's something smaller, three characters. But I know that it's my next play. However, right now I have these two TV ideas to get out and I have another idea right behind that one, which I would like to develop with someone. I'd like to start pitching ideas in addition to writing them. I love writing new spec pilots. I don't want to stop that to pitch. I want to do both. But I would love to get paid to write a pilot.

Like I said, the dream gets bigger. Now I know what it takes to do the things I want to do. I feel so much more fully formed in order to do the things I want to do. I have more control over my career than I ever have. And I'm looking for a creative partner, in a new agent, to help me get there and to share my vision. I also am looking to share my life with someone ambitious and fun. And maybe the cosmic joke is that it IS another writer. Who the fuck knows?

But I just want to continue to be open and available to the surprise of life, which is exactly the thing I've been aspiring to for a long time - to let the Universe dream a bigger dream than I can for myself. It's all pretty incredible. And now I just need to be ready for the next surprise.

My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be clear.
My intention is to love what I do.

I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities over the past 18 months.
I am grateful for every bit of this journey.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful that the future looks so bright and so hopeful.

A Good Night's Sleep

I slept amazingly well last night.

Here's why that's a strange thing. I had a big meeting today. Normally, when I anticipate something I sleep horribly. I toss and turn. I worry. I end up being totally sleepy. That didn't happen. Why is that?

The meditation is working. I feel settled in. I did all the work I needed to do. There's no reason to freak out or worry. As my mantras have said:

I am.

I am free.

I nourish the Universe and the Universe nourishes me.

I am the Universe. I am absolute existence.

My Actions are in alignment with cosmic law.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I have everything I need. I'm in a good place. That's why I was calm last night. Everything that could happen will be great and will add to what I already have. But I don't need to fill a void. That's a great place to be. Now I hope I can stay there.

Here's the hard part. Waiting for news. So I'm practicing detachment. I am working on the next thing. I sent thank you notes. I am texting with friends. I'm at the Korean spa working on other stuff. I can't listen to the voices inside my own head with possible outcomes.

I am a field of all possibilities.

I am grateful that the meeting went well.
I am grateful that I said everything I wanted to say.
I am grateful that I am not worried.
I am grateful that I let things flow.
I am grateful that I am constantly learning and growing.
I am grateful that the Universe provides.
I am grateful that I am in a place where I am listening.
I am grateful to know what leads to abundance. 

I am grateful for this food right now. I didn't eat this morning because I didn't want to be bloated. I looked good and I ate something I wasn't supposed to eat last night out of boredom.

Knowing I'm enough is a huge victory. And I'm starting to navigate from that place. It's unfamiliar in some ways. In other ways, it feels totally natural. Maneuvering a career in the TV industry is really tough and it's nice to meet other like-minded individuals. That's a huge success.

Going into a meeting feeling prepared but knowing that it's more important to be yourself is key.  It has taken me so long just to understand that. Life's a journey and I'm growing from that journey. But I also own that I am an expert in my field and I'm not just here to learn. I know things. And in that meeting today, I communicated that, which is an empowering thing. I spoke my truth. And I will continue to speak my truth. That's a victory. Today was full of victories, big and small.

My intention is to go with the flow.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be expansive.
My intention is to be curious.
My intention is to believe, to trust and to let go.

What Do I Want?

Today's meditation reminded me to always ask for what I want and what I want can be as expansive as I want it to be. Sometimes it's difficult to give myself permission to ask for the things I truly want. I am thankful this exercise wasn't that hard. When I'm able to see all that's being set forth in front of me, I know I'm in a good place.

So the following is from my meditation journal around the question WHAT DO I WANT?

I want a life without limitations.

Of course my first answer was that I want a job I'm up for. Then I thought about what that meant for me. And immediately, the word FREEDOM popped into my head. Wanting that job is too small. It's one limited thing. But freedom is something more. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to say what I want to be what I want. That freedom to be myself always is important. Then another phrase popped into my head: NO LIMITATIONS.

I want NO LIMITS in declaring what I want. I put limits on myself all of the time before I even ask for what I want. So even in the asking for what I want, what I want sometimes is limited. So I need to have no limits from the conception of the thought so that when the thought becomes reality, I have asked for something that will give me full freedom. But to do that I have to be free.

Everything I want I can have. And guilt is a limitation. Feeling like I don't deserve something somehow or that it's not available to me. Feeling like there's a cost to what I want or what I ask for is a limitation. Feeling like I will hurt someone's feelings or feeling like I will embarrass someone or feeling like I will make them feel less than. Those are all limitations and I want none of those.

I always give my Mom advice. And I often ask her to ask herself the question

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I don't know if I ever consider that question myself. Or maybe I don't consider it enough. And I ask it of her in relationship to her retirement. How does she want her life to be? But I should ask myself that question in my active life - What do I want my life to be? What do I want?

I came to the conclusion after the meditation that I want a LIMITLESS LIFE. I want no limitations in what I ask for myself and of myself. I can have boundless energy and endless adventures. I can ask for exactly what I want without guilt or shame or embarrassment or fear.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something really simple. I sent in my material to a show. They were looking for a Producer level writer. At first, I looked at the email and kept scrolling. Then I came back to it. I was a Co-Producer on my show this year and the next step is Producer. I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I decided to let go of the notion that my friend who sent out the opportunity was going to laugh in my face and think I was crazy. When I've told some people, I can feel them think that I'm crazy. But that's them putting their own limitations for themselves on me. I knew that putting myself in as a Producer might make my manager agitated. But he wasn't submitting me. I knew that it might be a stretch, so I acknowledged that. But not in a way to discourage or cause doubt. I acknowledged the issue and then I explained why I am qualified. 

I didn't get the job. But that wasn't the point. I knew that I had to shift something in my brain. I had to stop thinking of the limitations. I had to stop thinking that my friend would laugh at my email or that his boss would or that my manager would get wind and think I was an idiot or that my friends when I told them that story would think I have a huge ego. Those are all limitations. Those are all doubts. Those are all Resistance - that little bugger - rearing its dirty little head. I knew that one simple action would start a ripple.

I saw a Showrunner at the Kilroy's party a few weeks ago and she asked me if I was working. I told her no. She asked to read my stuff. I thought she was filming a whole pilot, so I thought I had at least a month or so. But then I found out they were only filming a presentation. And she reached out, wondering if my manager had sent stuff over yet. I had gotten notes from him and I started implementing them by the time I got the email from her wondering where my material was. I had already been working a few days after I got his notes. So when I told him that she needed the material and I wanted to send it before I left for Sonoma, I was prepared. I didn't panic. I did the work. I did not put limitations on myself like fear, doubt, panic. I did it. I gave it to him. He turned it around and sent it. I didn't think about it.

Then I got the email yesterday that she wants to meet with me. Then I found out she wants to meet with me the day I'm leaving to Portland. I'm having my manager check to see if she can see me earlier in the week. I'm putting it out into the flow of the universe. I know it will work out the way it's supposed to.

In asking myself "What Do I Want?" I am focused on getting what I want. The next part of the meditation was about having focus once you've declared what you want. There's the quote from The Alchemist, "Once you decide what you want, the Universe conspires to help you get it." So I'm declaring what I want and I'm taking the steps necessary to get it. That also reminds me of an article I read years ago that my friend Caitlin had passed on. It was about goals versus systems. And the basic idea is that if we're set on one particular goal, it's a limitation. But if we focus on the work we need to do to accomplish that goal, without expecting an outcome, we usually get more than we had asked for in the first place. So I've been working on this "What do I Want?" question for a long time because I started implementing that mentality in my life a few years ago. And when I did that, my life started to change. I did get a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. And people started recognizing me as a prolific person. Even someone like my manager, who isn't aware that this is the way I operate says in his letters about me that I am a "young prolific playwright." Someone that got communicated to him. I wonder how? Maybe because that's what he's seeing from me.

Here's the next part of that meditation journal. What do you truly want? How will you get it? What will it feel like to have it? And who will be around you?

I want to have an entertainment empire. 

I want to be a producer/showrunner with my own shows on the air. I want to have my own ideas for shows. I want to go out and pitch them. Then I want to sell them, write them and film them. I also want the opportunity to direct once I have my first show on the air. Then I'd like to take ideas I like, but maybe can't write myself, and produce those shows as well. I want to parlay the writing into showrunning into directing and into producing. I want to have a production company that does all of this. 

I will write on other people's shows and watch how they run the room and run their set. I will work hard to learn every aspect of production from directing to set design. I will be a producer on the shows I work on. Then I will get the opportunity to pitch my own shows and take them through the pilot process. I will get those shows on the air and once I have the experience of directing under my belt - because I have also started directing play workshops and will direct my first play next year - I will start directing episodes. Eventually, I'd like to by a director for hire if I'm in between shows and want to take a break from running shows or being on staff. 

With all of this experience of being on set as a writer/director, I will start thinking about my friends' ideas and what I love but could never write. Either because I don't have that particular skill for that genre or because I don't have time. Then I will take those projects out under my own shingle and start producing projects. Once I have enough projects in the pipeline, I will have a deal at a studio and hire a development executive who will start that process. I learned about the production deal when I worked for a manager and he had his own pod. I will take that experience in how he developed work and apply it to how I develop work - mainly watching what mistakes I observed. I will have a fully functioning production company - I will borrow from what another playwright/TV writer-producer is doing and start producing plays by people of color and other interesting playwrights who interest me. This will be a natural extension of what I am doing now at Chalk Rep. All of this is a natural extension of what I'm doing at Chalk Rep with my producing of my own work and of my friend Cory's play. I'm already doing this. And if we have a relationship with a big regional theatre that we're looking into this could be a cool way to parlay what I'm doing there with what I want to do on the TV development side.

The encouraging thing is that I am already doing the work I want to be doing. I'm producing theatre and developing relationships with playwrights. I want to take that work and funnel it into production deals. I want to find a way to bring both sides of my working life - theatre and TV - together in a symbiotic way. With all of this producing, writing and directing I'll be doing I will find myself with an entertainment empire where I am a major tastemaker. I said two years ago when I was trying for the PCS job that I felt it was important that I was a major tastemaker in the theatre. That was thinking too small. And they didn't want me. But more importantly, the energy of the Universe didn't want me to think that small. A short while later I became a tastemaker in the theatre in my theatre company. I am being presented with an opportunity to be a bigger tastemaker in the theatre. And eventually, I will be a bigger tastemaker in other media, including television and streaming media.

I will have other people I respect with me: I believe in the talents of Jen, David, Cory, Carrie, Dominic, Dave, among others. But I am also getting to know more writers and directors. I loved working with Julian and Tessa on my show. I would find ways to work with them more. I love Dime and I love Alexis. I think there's room to work with them as well. Then of course there are my Gay Latino hermanos. We're all growing, so by the time I'm ready to start approaching writers to be on staff with me or to produce, we'll all be ready. And we'll all have our empires where we'll get to work with each other or even compete with each other, meaning there will be a lot of us out there.

My intention is to know what I want.

My intention is to act on what I want.

My intention is to be focused.

My intention is to see everything I have done and make it apart of the same goal.

My intention is to remind myself daily of what I have accomplished.

I am grateful that I can state it so clearly.

I am grateful that I want a lot.

I am grateful that my heart and soul are in it.

I am grateful to have the support of a strong and capable community around me.

I am grateful that what I want is what I already have but on a bigger scale.

I am grateful that I know that all of this is attainable.

I am grateful that I am already working on it.

I am grateful that I can see it.

The Home Run

There are few phrases I loathe more than "the home run script." It's a phrase that managers and agents use to describe a script that is a sure thing. My old managers were big fans of baseball metaphors. You have to "knock this one out of the park." What a set up that was. And I realized what was a home run to me was different than what was a home run to them. They really tried to fit me in a box. Maybe that's because I didn't know who I was back then.

It took some time to figure out the writer I wanted to be. I was so concerned with producing something that they would like or that the industry would be into. It sounds silly to me now. But to then, I was trying to please everybody. There's nothing I wanted more than to make people happy.

Then a lot of personal stuff happened - Dad's death, break up, etc. And I got on the road of giving zero fucks. I ended my relationship with that group of people and I moved on. I took some time off without a rep. Then I got my show and then I got a manager. It frankly has been pretty dry since I signed with him. But I've been working on the show for two seasons. And I didn't have a sample that he felt was a home run.

I had the play that got him to sign me. It was also the play that got me the gig on the show as well. I thought that was enough. Apparently not. Then I showed him two pilots. He hated one. Then he asked me to rewrite the other. He liked the rewrite, but apparently, it wasn't enough for other people to be into. I knew I had this pilot I was working on when I could while I was working on the show and teaching. In the meantime, I wrote a play that got a workshop and got me asked to join a theatre company I love. The workshop went off like gangbusters. And we're going to produce it in 2018.

My friend Jami has another term she likes to use, the "silver bullet play." Again, it's a cousin of the "home run pilot." I thought my earlier play was the "silver bullet." But it got no love from the summer play development programs I applied to. Then everyone saw the newer play and said that was my "silver bullet." It's my favorite play I've written. I sent it out to all of those development opps. So far it has been a finalist for the Bay Area Playwrights Festival and a semifinalist for the Gulfshore Playhouse New Play Festival in September. That's exciting. I'll find out about the Gulfshore Playhouse in a week or so.

But here's what I'm learning. No one knows anything for sure. I have to be happy with what I'm doing. And I'm thrilled with both plays. I realize now that the pilots had their issues. And there's the possibility of me revisiting one of them. But I turned in the pilot that I had been working on and finally finished it a couple of weeks ago. I had a showrunner who wanted to read it. So that lit a fire. Then I had a couple of mini-meetings with some execs that went well. They wanted to set some longer meetings up and that helped move things along. We're sending them that pilot. And my manager really does like it.

Nothing's really a home run. But I'm learning how to be better skilled at writing pilots. Part of that is being on a show and learning how something goes from story idea to outline to script to production. I really think that's the best lesson. And hopefully you get hired off of a play, short story, screenplay or very forward-thinking showrunner. Then you can get in a room and learn. If you're a smart, social person it shouldn't take long to get it. Or maybe you get in a room as an assistant. That works too. But it's that professional polish that gets you that experience. Or it's writing 20 pilots.

See? There is no home run. As there's no overnight success or sure thing. You've got to just write the thing you love and have some skill and put it out there. I've been asked a lot of advice about how to "make it." There is no making it either. But you just have to work hard and keep going and not give up.

I always thought that sounded so corny. I guess it still does. But it's the truth.

My intention is to keep going.
My intention is to work hard.
My intention is expansion.
My intention is to keep the runway clear.

I am grateful for great colleagues.
I am grateful for my writers groups.
I am grateful for The Clubhouse.
I am grateful for all good things.
I am grateful for ideas.
I am grateful for my stamina.

Absorbing

Finished a rewrite of a pilot script yesterday. I printed it out and put it into a binder that I brought with me to the Korean Spa to mark up tonight.  Something about the feel of a script in my hand makes it all feel way more real. My goal is to get the script to my manager on Monday, along with another script I wrote. I gave the script to my two most trusted writer confidantes. I'm trying to get some feedback so I can hand something in that's tight and good.

Then I'm going to spend all next week binge watching some shows that I need to catch up on and that reflect what I'm writing next. Those shows include:

• Glow
• Looking
• Dear White People
• Maron
• Louie
• Master of None
• Insecure
• Fleabag
• Catastrophe
• Transparent
• Atlanta
• Better Things
• Queer as Folk (U.K.)
• Easy
• Lady Dynamite
• 
  

That's a lot to get done in the next week. But that's all I'm doing next week. I'm watching TV! I love that's my job. I want to take some mental and physical notes and do some brainstorming on this next thing I'm writing. I'm trying to influence my voice a bit. I know how much of a sponge I am when I'm writing. I want to absorb the most helpful things. These are also shows I'm just excited about watching. I have a lot to catch up on. I'm not fueling the tank with shows. I don't watch as much as I need to be watching. I watch a lot of documentaries and food shows. And while those are great entertainment for me and they are enjoyable, I need to watch some things for work. Again, I love that this is my work. 

I notice that a lot of my colleagues watch a lot more TV than I'm watching these days. I need to get my shit together. Yes, I know people watch TV instead of write and I could get all full of myself and say that I've been writing so I haven't had time to watch TV. But that's also bullshit. I need to keep up. And to give myself that as an assignment is fun.

I'm going to work on getting this new sample together. And then I'm going to watch a bunch of dramas. Here's what's on that list so far:

• Stranger Things
• Westworld
• Big Little Lies
• 13 Reasons Why
• Gypsy
• American Crime Season Three
• People Vs. OJ
• Jane the Virgin
• Riverdale
• Sense 8
• The OA
• Jessica Jones
• Green Leaf
• London Spy
• Black Mirror

Fortunately, there are a lot of first season or one season shows on both lists, so I can bang out a lot of them. The great thing is that I will be traveling a little in July, so I can also get that stuff watched while I'm traveling. I want to absorb as much as I can.

I'm trying to get this half hour spec done and then hopefully one more hour spec. I'm supposed to be looking at some old stuff too to see if there's anything I can fix. With that amount of material, I'll have three hour pilots, one half hour pilot, and two full length plays to send out. I also have two short plays to send out as well. That's plenty of stuff. 

Then I go back and teach at the end of August. I'll either have a very busy Fall or a very very busy Fall. It would be nice to take this trip to Louisville, but also to make a trip East this Fall. It has been too long since I've been in NYC. If I line up some gigs, then I'm going to try and make a trip East in the Fall in addition to Louisville. If I can cancel class one week, then I can go to NYC for a week. That would be great. I want to see some shows and friends. Then I've got Christmas in Portland per the usual.

I'm also going to Portland for two weeks in August to write. And that will be good concentrated time. That will help ensure that I can get as much done as possible. I'm going to try and write as much as I can during those two weeks. I haven't done a real writing retreat this year yet. I did two last year and they were so productive. I might have a little time in SF when I'm up there. But I'll be mostly hanging out with pals and unwinding. Totally necessary. I need to take time for that too.

My intention is to work.

My intention is to relax.

My intention is to enjoy.

My intention is fun.

I am grateful for getting this script done.

I am grateful for friends who read my work.

I am grateful for my new community of Gay Latino writers.

I am grateful for my regular communities of playwrights in LA.

Finding the Target

I remember being in graduate school at NYU with a lot of bravado thinking I was going to take over the world. I was in my 20s and taking over the world meant exactly what Madonna said on American Bandstand in 1984. She was also in her 20s and then she took over the world. For me success meant that I was going to be rich, famous, respected, universally loved, admired, married, perpetually thin, more hung and therefore happy.

There's a song in the original version of Stephen Sondheim's musical Merrily We Roll Along called "Rich and Happy." 

Skies are beaming,

Future bright and prospects gleaming,

Best of all, I don't stop dreaming

Just because I'm rich

And famous

And therefore

Happy, too!

That's the idea I had about success. All of those things would make me happy.

And on the covers of magazines

And in the columns and on the screens

And giving interviews,

Being photographed,

Making all the important scenes,

And at the parties cutting capers

And on the talk shows and in the papers

And unbelievably

Happy, too!

It's like this desperate need to have these things that will validate all the choices and make you happy. I lived that life for five years as a part of a couple. And I was miserable. I was lonely. I wasn't doing my own thing. It wasn't time wasted because I experienced real heartbreak that made me evolve as a person and start to define what I wanted. 

I knew I didn't want to just be the Weezy Jefferson of the operation. 

And then I got in another relationship and realized that the things about me that everyone appreciates, this person felt threatened by. It made him feel like his life experience was invalidated. Then we broke up and my life changed. I suddenly had all the things I wanted in my life. I didn't have all the money I wanted. But I had the first wave of outward success. And I do feel fulfilled. I do feel confident in talking about myself as a writer. It has brought about great things. 

But I still confront my computer every day and I still have to overcome my internal saboteur. I still read my Steven Pressfield books about "turning pro" and "overcoming Resistance." The fight is not over because I have success that is clear and noticeable to everyone. I still have a brother who says, "Well, this year was good. But what about next year?" I still look at my year and only see the things I haven't done instead of the great strides I have made. I still downplay.

So I know that being "rich and famous" doesn't mean I will therefore be "happy, too!" I know that being recognized as successful doesn't mean that all of my problems go away. So, as I said to my friend Carrie yesterday, I'll choose to have more money than less because I know it doesn't validate me. And I'd rather be as anxiety ridden as I always am with the ability to get out of town for a week without freaking out about money.

And right now, I'm at a crossroads. I have many things I've always wanted. I'm teaching at San Diego State for the fourth semester in a row. And I got that opportunity just by making myself available as a substitute. I have two years on our show under my belt. I'm running a theatre company where I have a production coming up and possibly another production as a director coming up. I run the Writers Group. I have a really full life with things that excite me as well as support me financially.

So what's next?

My friend Elizabeth said to me on Saturday, "You need to take it to the next level." There's a moment of time right now where diverse writers are the rage and I need to capitalize on that moment. It's a very pragmatic point of view. She also said to me once that if I want a career writing in network TV, I can do that based on my demeanor and personality. I've got the constitution for it, she believes. And she should know, she has been working in network TV for over thirteen years.

In other words, it's time to pick a lane. I need to decide on a target and head there. I need to have a clear vision. To quote Sondheim again -

A vision's just a vision

if it's only in your head.

It's with that target in mind that I'm working on a revamp of a pilot I've been working on for a minute that I haven't sent out. I've been working on this pilot for a while. I usually don't like to be working on things this long because I also know that if I sold a pilot, I wouldn't have this long. But it's a writing sample and it has to do the right things. It has to suggest story. It's a document that has to suggest that there's more story to be told based on the seeds planted in this pilot. It can be beautifully told, it can have a great plot, but if it doesn't do that thing it's not doing its job as a technical document that shows skill.

If I hadn't spent two years, but especially this last year, on the show I wouldn't have known how to do that.  If I hadn't written a play that caught Elizabeth's attention to the point where she feels like she wants to help me out, I wouldn't have gotten some real practical nuts and bolts advice on how to take my career to the next place. I now have the support of some gay Latino writer brethren. I've got all of the ingredients laid out. The mise en place is ready. Now what am I going to make?

But if my goal is to make the leap to a cable or broadcast show and to utilize this moment, I have to work fast. And fortunately, I only have the summer to get this work done. I've got real time constraints here. I have the opportunity to use my ability to work fast and efficiently paired with my ability to write interesting characters and situations. This is a real Challenge - to use these three months of "free time" to get my samples done for the year. Then I have the rest of the year to revise and then try to get more work.

The target is to get on a broadcast or cable show.

My intention is to focus.

My intention is to zero in on the target.

My intention is not to miss.

I am grateful for all of the experiences that have lead up to this focusing on my target.

I am grateful for the opportunities that have got me here.

I am grateful for what I know now.

I am grateful for the time it took for me to get here.

I am grateful that I have the confidence to say what I want.

I am grateful that I can see the bigger picture and not the immediate thing in front of me.

Hard to Believe

Last night, I was out an an event for a theatre company I worked with in New York that is expanding its presence here in LA.

I saw a bunch of people, but I also caught up with an old boss of mine. We talked about what I'm up to and what he's up to - his clients are behind six pilots this year that are waiting for pick ups. I just finished up year two on my show as a Co-Producer this year. He looked at me, proud. I said that this is what I've been wanting to do for so long. I also help run a theatre company. And I teach. I'm hitting every area I've wanted to be involved in.

Seven years ago I was working for him. And I had worked there for seven years. I wanted to do this for so long and sometimes I forget to be grateful. I get caught up in everything I have to do and all the demands I feel are made on me. About six years ago this June I got off the hamster wheel of the business. I was tired of running on the treadmill of trying to make it with little success. It led me down a path of falling back in love with writing and having success with this version of myself. And in order to do that, I had to get back on the treadmill. It's different this time around because I understand my value in a way I didn't previously. I'm presenting a version of myself that's more truthful and therefore more vulnerable.

But to get there a lot of things had to happen over several years. Five years ago, my Dad died. That changed my priorities completely. It also opened me up to the idea that life could be whatever I decided to make it. It also unlocked a fierceness in me that I hadn't allowed to be present before. I could be a motherfucker - and I kind of liked it. My father would say that prepared me for a life in this business. He would be happy that I've got a dickish side to me for sure. It means that no one fucks with me. Four years ago, I stopped going to weekly therapy. I was still dealing with my grief. I decided that I would take my grief on and deal with it head on. Fortunately, I was on unemployment and managed to stretch the finances a bit. Three years ago, I decided to make room for writing on a serious level. I both decided to become more of a professional and at the same time opened myself up to the possibility that writing would just be something I loved to do and that's all it had to be. During my Dad's illness it became a means of survival. And if that's all it was, that would be fine. I would find another way to make money. I had an office for about six months. I started subbing for a friend of mine at San Diego State. I also seriously started meditating. I wrote five scripts that year. Two years ago, I spent time working on a new play and would constantly say to friends, "I don't care if this thing gets produced." I spent eight months working on it. I made no money that year. I decided I needed to mix things up and applied to all sorts of jobs. I was trying to get teaching gigs, but couldn't get arrested. I almost got a job in Portland as a literary manager at a theatre. I was ready to leave LA for new adventures. I was committed to finding work. But nothing was happening, so I kept working on the play. That play was fantastic and would end up getting me my first TV job the following year. It opened up a lot of doors. It also helped me grow as a writer.

Last year, I got my first TV job. I wrote another play that broke me open as a human being, about the year spent with my Dad while he was dying. I was asked to join a theatre company. It was a big year of transition. I broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years. I found out he started dating someone a month after we broke up. Last year was such a banner year and so many things happened that were unexpected. I also joined the WGA last year. I wrote two episodes of our show, which became three episodes of our show after our finale, which I wrote, became two episodes. I got single credit for all three of those episodes.

So when I say I can't believe that I'm here, it's true. But I have to break it down like I just did to experience the gratitude that comes with knowing I've accomplished so much in the past seven years. I decided to live my truth. I decided to live by my own rules and it took me a long road to get there. But I am grateful for every year, month, week, day, hour, minute and second of that journey. I'm truly grateful for all of it because each moment is etched in my DNA. I have to remember the road because it makes me appreciate everything happening now. When I was on the hamster wheel before, I didn't know how good I had it. I had never lived a life where I could appreciate my accomplishments.

I remember finding a certificate years ago when we were going through my Dad's things. The certificate acknowledged that I had been in the top 1% of all applicants to my high school that year as an eighth grader. I was in the 99th percentile of everyone who had applied that year. I remember finding that and wondering why I had lived my life up to that point as the bottom one percent versus the top one percent. I wanted to be that person. That was a goal.

And now I live that. I sometimes forget. But I mainly try to live as that person. I am a fucking Co-Producer on a TV show and if I don't appreciate it, how can I expect anyone else to? I'm a baller, a shot caller. Actually, I'm a freeballer. I'm  reminded of that whenever I meet with my students. I had a student last year ask me, "How does it feel?" How does what feel, I asked him back. "How does it feel to be doing the thing you set out to do. How does that feel?"

I was blown away by the question. I was humbled that he saw me that way. And then I realized he was right. I did do the things I set out to do. I continue to do the things I set out to do. I will get the next job and the next one after that and I will relish those experiences - both good and bad.  When I meet people, they're impressed. And that's okay. Sometimes I'll wish I was further along or I'll down play an accomplishment and then someone will say to me, "I wish I was where you are."

It shouldn't be hard to believe. It should be hard not to lose it with gratitude. It should be hard not to burst into tears. And sometimes I do that too.

Last year, at the reading of my Dad play, I was receiving a round of applause. I was embarrassed, as I usually am. And then a friend of mine gave me a thumbs up, like they were saying, "You did it." I LOST IT. I burst into tears for two minutes and I couldn't stop. I wrote something that meant something to people. I also became the person capable of writing that play. I put everything into it and when I was done, I cried uncontrollably. It was really overwhelming. In that moment, I was living like that one percenter. I was so grateful I had stopped being afraid.

And that's sometimes hard to believe. That I let go of that fear. But I did and now it's time to move on and do the next great thing.

My intention is to feel.
My intention is to grow.
My intention is to be okay.
My intention is to smile through it.

I am grateful for the two years I've been on our show.
I am grateful that people listen to me.
I am grateful to be a leader among friends.
I am grateful to be loved.
I am grateful that my life is the life of my choosing.

Advice

When I'm talking do people think I'm full of shit?

I give a lot of advice. I receive a lot of advice as well. I'm not sure any of it is any good - maybe all of it is good and my judgment is off.

An upper-level TV writer I know asked to read two pilots of mine. After reading the beginnings of them - no one reads beyond the first ten if they don't have to. The only people who read beyond the first ten are friends. I once tried to get out of reading a friend's pilot after reading the first half and having real issues with it. He guilted me into reading the rest of it. Apparently, I thought I was a professional or something and tried to get away with just reading to the point where I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I don't find fault at all with this upper-level writer only reading the first ten - if that - of those pilots. Who has time? I used to read scripts for work and I would only read the first ten if I knew they were bad. Another writer - who coincidentally is about to run the show that my friend the upper-level writer is on - admitted the very same thing last week at an event I went to.

Make the first ten pages amazing - that's a piece of advice I've both given and received. I had a moment of panic the other day that I'm going to end up like a college professor I had who was a great directing teacher and a horrible director. Am I great at teaching writing, but horrible at it? Or did this writer just not respond to the material? The good news is that this writer is still a fan and wants to continue to support me. She offered to write me recommendations if I apply to any of the studio programs, which I'm thinking about doing. She also offered to read more work and she's looking for some sample pitches for me to look at for spec pilots. This is all incredibly generous of her.

And fortunately, I'm supposed to be taking another pass at a pilot I've been working on. I think the things she mentioned about my work are - for better or for worse - hallmarks. I need to make the opening of this script amazing. But I also need to make it absolutely clear what drive this character has throughout the script.

My goal is to staff on a network, cable or streaming show as soon as possible. My drive needs to be clear as well. I know that in order to do that, I have to have a great sample. I already have two plays that are strong samples. I have yet to produce a pilot that gets people excited. And maybe I also need a spec that gets people excited. I do hate the game of it all. But if you don't realize you're playing a game, you're going to get swallowed up by it.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I'm applying for a job. It does not define me as an artist or a person. It does not define my self worth. I lead a life I enjoy. I write plays I love. I have an incredible community of fellow artists around me. Being a successful TV writer will make life easier financially. It will also structure my life into a series of compromises. Everything's a trade-off. But here's what I do know.

I love production.
I love working with actors.
I love collaborating with directors.
Theatre's not enough for me.
I have to raise my voice so that it's counted among the many.

A few years ago, I gave my friend Cory a piece of advice. You have to have a pilot that has the same feeling as your plays. That's advice I can finally take. I think when I gave Cory that advice I hadn't written a play that I felt spoke in my voice. My friend Gina said to me recently - You should always write in that voice. So I think this sample I'm writing right now has to be in that voice. It has to have larger than life characters and be both funny and poignant. But my voice is also vulgar, crass and alive.

The thing about advice is that it has to resonate. I thought my friend's advice came from a place of real care. She told me that my work isn't that far off. I've got great characters and a cool world. But I need the story.

I teach at San Diego State once a week. I give my students tons of advice. I need to start taking it. I'm telling them to be patient with themselves and to not beat themselves up. I tell them that they're going to be good at one or two elements of dramatic storytelling - story, world or characters. And there will be one element it will take them awhile to grasp. 

I need to take my own advice. I need to act as if I'm giving someone advice, because I'm good at it. I've made it this far. I know I need to keep going. Our union may be going on strike. If we do, I have to use that time to create new material.

I am attending a conversation tomorrow with a showrunner/playwright who's also Latino. He's going to be there to give advice about meeting with showrunners. I am then meeting with showrunners the following week. And then I'm going to CBS to meet with executives about telling certain Latino stories. I am networking as much as I can. I have material that's going to get people interested. Now, I need the next piece of material to keep them interested. That's the key.

Here's the thing. I'm in a fine position. And I need to remember that.  I'm working with a writer/director I respect who's directing my next episode. I'm working with great people who respect me. I've got talented friends. I worked with mid level writers who I think liked working with me. I've got people who could possible recommend me for a job. I'm in the arena. I'm in the mix. I'm not tailgating or waiting to see if I get in. Or in the stands. I am in the arena on the floor. I'm actually playing. And if I'm not playing, I'm on the bench. But I'm on a fucking team. Someone said to me recently, "I'd love to be where you are." And I have to remember that.

Appreciate where you are and use that momentum to keep going. Good advice.

My intention is awareness.
My intention is patience.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is inner peace. 
My intention is appreciation.

I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for work relationships.
I am grateful for the generosity of people who know me.
I am grateful for people who know what I can do.

Just Do It. Again.

I'm nearing the end of my production cycle for the year - for the most part. I have been hugely productive this year, writing over 1500 pages so far. That number will probably increase before December 31st. But everything I wanted to get done, I have. I have gotten five full length scripts written this year. I could just kick back and relax. Except I'm horrible with free time.

My college professor, Mark Dickerman, said to me after I wrote my very first screenplay - "Very good. Now write the next one." I'm sure many of us who went to graduate school or college were told the same thing by our professors. It's always as simple and as complicated as Just Do It. And now I need to Just Do It. Again.

I finished the rewrite of a pilot two days ago - much sooner than I expected to finish it. I had a deadline for myself and I reached that deadline early. Now I have the chance to do another pass. My closest writer friends gave me notes in 24 hours - by special request - and now I'm armed with a bunch of notes and I'm ready to tackle the next rewrite. I still want to turn that into my manager in six days.

During my "day off", I had a conversation with my manager about an agent who was interested in reading another play of mine for possible representation. We touched base about the material I had handed over to him and we discussed next steps. He said, "I need to have another pilot from you." Another one! For Christ's sake! Another hoop to jump through. "Great. I just finished one last night. I'm taking another pass and I'll have it to you next week."

Just Do It. Again.

After I stopped my internal whining, I remembered that I have another script ready to give him. And that was my goal. I was pissed a few weeks ago that it had been two months since I sent him two new scripts. I knew that whining wasn't going to do shit for me. So I decided to combine intentions: I needed to finish this pilot rewrite and I needed to push my manager to read. My goal became to finish the script by Oct 31st, so I could say to him - "I have a new script, but I don't want to hand it over until we discuss the two other scripts I sent." And I got the first pass at the rewrite done in four days. I had a solid outline I had been sitting on and hadn't had the chance to script out because of other obligations - like my play workshop, teaching and being on set. It did the trick. I got the script done and we had a conversation that was forced because he wanted to talk yesterday after I told him about the agent interest.

I had lunch with my best friend Cory today and we talked about stuff we need to do. We both need to maybe write one more pilot before staffing season in the Spring. That means having something ready by Jan/Feb. Oy! Here we go again.

Just Do It. Again.

Stop whining already! So we talked about getting together with two other writers we have an informal men's creative group with and doing an evening of drinking and tossing around our ideas. I think we'd each be into that. Cory's thought was having each writer do five two-minute pitches. And then we'd discuss. That's a full day. That's 20 two-minute pitches if all of us do five each. But I admire the ambition and I'd like to push myself. I'm not working on a show right now and I want to. I want to staff again and I need new material to do it.

I was thinking about next year's "challenge" for myself. This year I decided to make the Year of Challenges - having a different month-long goal each month. The Year of Challenges got sidetracked by employment, which I'd rather have. But I still got five scripts written and rewritten. Almost every month I worked on a different script.

• January - pilot rewrite
• February - new play
• March - outline and script #1, outline pilot rewrite
• April - outline and script #2
• May - more script #2, outline second pilot rewrite
• June - nothing
• July - outline second pilot rewrite again, production
• August - ten minute play, full length play rewrite and workshop, second pilot rewrite, production
• September - outline first pilot rewrite again
• October - produce play festival, pilot rewrite
• November -
• December -

Some months I managed more than others. But every day this year I have been thinking about a script I need to be writing. I don't have anything scheduled in November and December. That's because I really wanted a break. But it's probably best for me not to take one. Also to note: in January-April, and September-December, I also taught. I'm teaching now - the year's not over yet. I've juggled a lot this year.

Just Do It. Again?

Yeah. Again. And again and again and again. Keep doing it. Don't stop. I have a play I'm thinking about writing in November and December. At least starting. And I need to start the process of putting together this new play.

After that, I have no new play ideas. I can rewrite the play throughout the year and even have a reading and a workshop through the theatre company. There's a play I sent them for a space we have in 2018. If they're interested in that play, then maybe I'll be rewriting that play next year.

But what I want to focus on is writing TV pilots all next year. Unless I get staffed or develop, then I'll be happy to write less. Or none.

Here's the thought on next year's over all challenge: Write four pilots. From scratch. No new plays all year. Just rewrites. But all new pilots. That's one every quarter. So I'd do a quarterly challenge. Outline for a month. Write for a month. Rewrite for a month. Let's see how that settles into the old brain.

Just Do It! Again!

I'm leaving the year open for possibilities. But I am getting restless and I want to have another clear goal for next year. The goal for now is to get staffed. And that will continue if I don't get staffed in the last two months of the year. :) I have to keep moving forward. It keeps my mind on the work and off of other people.

Just Do It. Because you know you can. Again!

I give myself these challenges to motivate myself. I have NO IDEAS for pilots at all for next year. I hope to get something done! That would be nice. This year I got into the Writer's Guild and staffed for the first time. What will next year bring?

My intention is to be clear.

My intention is to focus on my goals.

My intention is to breathe, relax and enjoy.

I am grateful for long lunches in Boyle Heights.

I am grateful for street traffic on Whittier Blvd, trying to get home.

I am grateful there's so much good TV to watch.

I am grateful to be inspired by my friends and my community.

I am grateful that I get to type at my lap top every day and call it work.

Community: On Set

I'm taking the opportunity to write a bit about the community I've found working as a writer in Los Angeles over the past several years. I recently had to write a letter applying to New Dramatists in New York, an organization that supports playwrights. Being someone who does not live in New York, I had to make an extra case for myself as someone who could take advantage of their programming in New York over the next seven years, the duration of the residency. In that letter, I talked about community and the one I had built in LA over the past several years. It took a while for me to get there, but I finally have. In two previous posts, I've talked about two of my best writer friends and being in the rehearsal room for my latest play workshop. My main source of community has been my theatre community in LA. But most recently, I've ventured into the TV world and I've had a great community on set that was unexpected. I'm writing about community because writing is such a singular, lonely experience that we desire to be in rooms, surrounded by other like-minded individuals for the company and community.

In February, I stepped into a writer's room for the first time on my first TV show. I had never been in a "room" before - that's the industry term for it: The Room. Our room was pretty friendly. We sat in this little fishbowl for 8-10 hours a day talking about the arc of this story we were telling. We diagrammed and outlined and mapped out the ways this story would parcel out over the course of ten episodes. And we worked fast because we were working in the digital space. But I understood the world of pitching, brainstorming, outlining and script writing. I've been writing plays since undergrad. I went to grad school and wrote screenplays and teleplays for the first time. And I've been writing spec pilots for years. I've refined my skills at writing scripts, but I basically know how to do that. Being in the room and breaking down story with a group has sharpened my skills exponentially in a short amount of time. However, the mechanics of writing are familiar to me. I'm even going to teach a glass in TV and Film Script Writing in the Fall.

When I stepped onto the set for the first time, it was a whole different story. My best friend is a well-known actress who has been working in film and TV since she was a kid. I've been on sets with her since I was in college. She recently did a multi-cam sitcom that I was on the set for over the course of three years. I saw the writers working. I ate a lot of craft services - their craft services on show night was pretty awesome. But I was never involved in the making of a show.

Our showrunner invited all of us writers into the process of making our episodes. If we chose to, we could be on set "producing" our episodes. I only put producing in quotes because I'm not an actual producer on the show. And because I didn't believe I'd actually be producing my episode. I could sit down, maybe, on set and listen in. But I didn't think anyone would be asking for my opinion. That would be a thrill and an honor, but not an expectation. And it would, frankly, be scary. Turns out it was all of those things because I actually got to produce my episode - no quotes. And I go back on set next week to produce my other episode.

Here's the cool thing about the show we're working on. As a staff writer, I got to write two episodes. That almost never happens. Some staff writers don't even get to write ONE episode without heavy supervision - if they get to write one at all. Staff writers are often there to observe and learn, to pitch ideas and contribute. But they're apprentices. They're not expected to do the heavy lifting. All I can say is my back hurts from the heavy lifting I've been doing. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

My showrunner and I have been friends since grad school. We've produced theatre in LA together. We know we work very well together. I know she has faith in my ability, but I didn't realize how much until I got to set. I had been invited a couple of weeks prior to attend a Character Meeting that covered the character arcs for our main cast. In the room was me, our showrunner and the two directors who were working on the series. We chatted about each character and the journey that they were on throughout our ten episodes. My showrunner and I have a great back and forth that was evident in the room. It was then that I kind of became a spokesperson for her, even though I didn't realize it. After that meeting, she invited me to the Concept Meeting the next day. Great. What's a concept meeting? Turns out that we would go through the script and discuss what departments needed to be involved in executing key elements of each scene. It was to discuss the visual and technical concept to making each episode. She allowed me to sit in and watch her Concept Meeting so I could be prepared for my own, when my episode would come up. I was present for both my Concept Meeting and my Tone Meeting, where the director and AD asked me any questions about the tone for each scene in my episode. I was getting an incredible education even before I stepped on the set.

Then I stepped on the set. And I was given a chair, headphones to listen in on the scenes with and I was introduced to various members of the crew. Then I got to attend rehearsals for each scene we were shooting from my episode that day. I turned to my showrunner and said, "Holy shit, we're about to film my first scene of my first episode of TV ever." She nodded. We've been friends for a long time and this is where we've ended up - together working on her TV show, producing (again, no quotes) my first episode of TV. I sat behind the director and the script supervisor in Video Village - the place where you watch the monitors and see the scene being filmed. They would ask me questions. It all felt very cool and exciting. Then my showrunner left to attend to other things. And I was alone.

That's when instincts kick in. And that's when the nerves have to be put to the side. I was "in charge" (the quotes are necessary because I couldn't really believe I was actually in charge). The cast started coming up to me and asking me questions. I couldn't believe that these actors were on camera saying the words of dialogue I wrote and were doing what I wrote. I've been a playwright for along time and have seen actors on stage doing my work, but this was completely different. I don't know if it's my expectation of what making a TV show is, but this felt more magical for some reason. I guess it's having a record of what I wrote. It's going to exist on record forever. It's different than a taped performance. This is meant to be filmed. It's also weird because you don't know what you have until you put it together in post, cut it together, and have the music. You hope you have what you need. I'm hoping my instincts are all right. At this point, I won't even know until I see the whole thing put together.

As the days went on, I got more confident on set. Whenever my showrunner had to go look at cuts or deal with other issues, I was there. We had to rewrite a few scenes on the fly and I just had to beef up some voice over speeches. I sat on set making decisions, looking at scenes, running in and asking my director to make some adjustments. At that point I did feel IN CHARGE and like a PRODUCER (no quotes whatsoever).

We had one last scene to get last Friday, which was a group scene in which our extras had to get completely animated and cause a riot. We weren't getting it. We had background players who weren't necessarily actors. My director turned to me and said, "We're not going to get it. You can't get stuck on this." I took a breath. I knew we had to get it. Our Assistant Director went in there and rallied the troops and we got it. We also got another shot where we had to do an alternative take with a different line. My showrunner and my executive were both gone. It was up to me - and there were moments where it was dodgy. But we did it. At the end of the day, my director said to me that he really loved working with me. And that was everything.

This is a different community because it's a community of not only actors, directors, and writers. But it's also a community of extras, technicians, designers, caterers, executives, producers - it really does take an incredible amount of people whose skill sets I don't completely understand to make this happen. I feel like such a smaller cog in the wheel than I usually do as a playwright. As a playwright, I feel like I have a greater amount of control. At times, while producing, I felt like I had less control, but more responsibility to make sure everything went over well. And again, I still won't know until it needs to be cut together. But the experience has been invaluable.

Most importantly, I want to do more of it. At one point, I thought "of course I want to do more because it's working in TV." It was an ego thing. Of course this is what I want to do because this is the height of success. It's being a writer/producer. I want to eventually be in charge of my own show. Who wouldn't want to do that? I realize that it's far more work and detail than I could have imagined - and still, I haven't had the experience yet of creating my own show. Just what I've done is so much work than I was prepared for. Being in the room with other writers was a lot more work. Then producing the relatively small amount that I did was more work. I can't imagine being responsible for the whole enchilada. But I want to know what that's like.

I realized through this experience - which isn't over because I've got one more week working on the finale - and through the experience of working on my play this week, that what I'm doing is incredibly important. Not to make me rich. Not to make me famous. Not to make me a respected writer. All of those things contribute to what's more important - I need to be a tastemaker, a voice in the room, an influencer as a gay, Latino, Asian male writer. There aren't any of me in this industry. There are people who represent separate factions and combinations of my background. But someone like me has to be in power making decisions. A year ago, I almost got a job as the literary manager of an important regional theatre in Portland. The job would have been horrible for me. But the idea that became increasingly more attractive was being a tastemaker in the theatre. The theatre's even more white than TV. There's an incredibly homogenous perspective that makes up a majority of the decision makers in the theatre - artistic directors, dramaturgs, literary managers, directors, etc. It's a singular point of view. The theatre that would have hired me would not have wanted any of the skills I have been able to cultivate over the past month. I didn't know that then. But the seed that got planted through the process of applying and interviewing for that job was that I needed to be a tastemaker. My voice is important. And for that voice to be my voice as a writer as well as a producer is imperative. It's becoming increasingly clear that my desire for this career isn't just based in my own desire to advance myself. My whole life I have straddled the fence of altruism and self-interest. I'd go back and forth. My ambition was driven by my own self interest, but ultimately doing something for myself, I'd come up short. It wasn't enough to motivate me. Then I had another part of me that wanted to use my voice in a meaningful way. But just doing work that's purely meaningful without using the full extent of my voice wasn't satisfying either. I now realize that both have to be working together, in tandem and consistently, for me to make any strides. I need to push myself to make a real mark - and that comes from wanting to play in a big arena - but the purpose has to be even larger than myself.

That's the community I seek. It's a larger community. It's based in Hollywood and the American Theatre, but it's about me pushing my own voice and having enough of an ego to know that my voice is deserving of all the attention it can get when I let it speak and sing and yell and scream. It's a loud voice that has to rise above the consistent, steady, murmur of the status quo. There is no either/or. It's both - and both give it its fuel and fire. Being a showrunner is apart of that vocation. And this job has been a part of me learning to do that in a much shorter amount of time than I would have if I had taken a different route and gone the regular way. I am certain that me finding this path in this way was the way it was meant to happen all along.

Being on set has enabled me to visualize a bigger dream for myself than I could even realize. And it has allowed me to do a walking, waking visualization of what I see for myself. This is pretty incredible.

My intention is to get this pilot done this weekend.
My intention is to be patient with myself.
My intention is to keep working.
My intention is to see this through.
My intention is to be a showrunner of my own series shortly and soon.

I am grateful for the communities I have created and been invited into.
I am grateful for the friendships that have arisen out of those communities.
I am grateful for the support that has come from those friendships.
I am grateful for the work that has been generated from that support.
I am grateful for the stillness that has brought that work into being.

The Importance of Doing Both

Now that I'm working in TV and in theatre as a writer, I realize the value of having both in my life. I always knew that I had an interest in working in both mediums. And of course I aspired to work in TV as a playwright. But it wasn't until I started working on the other side that I realized that working in both fields simultaneously is an imperative.

For me, it's as similar as being a dancer and continuing to take technique classes while you're creating your own original work. The creative impulse will keep me reading books, watching movies, finding sources of inspiration. Right now, I'm learning the craft of writing for television by doing it. I've studied TV writing in grad school and I've written a number of pilots. I've also read hundreds and hundreds of TV scripts - perhaps that number is in the thousands at this point. But until I got in a writer's room and understood how ideas are pitched and bandied about in the room, I don't think I really understood how scripts are made. It's writing by committee, even in the best situations. And I'm so used to writing alone and making decisions before I collaborate with a director and dramaturg. 

When you write by committee, you reach consensus - or at least, you have to write what your showrunner ultimately wants you to write. As a playwright, your strength is that you think outside of the norm. You know how to work in collaboration. You have fresh ideas. When you start writing by committee, things naturally get watered down. You have the room - but then you have the network and studio giving you notes as well. So everything gets smoothed out. If that's the only way you write, then preserving your ideas and your identity become of paramount importance as it relates to working in the room, on a show.

As a playwright, you're writing in your own voice all of the time - at least that's the opportunity you have. Your edges are sharp and crisp. Your identity is clear all over the page and you work hard to protect that. The trick is to take the technique of writing in a room and apply it to an original idea in a voice that's purely your own. That seems to be where the magic happens. I'm able to let go of certain things in the room that serve the story, but maybe not my personal voice or agenda, because I know I always have a place where I get to write in that voice. If I give that up, the collective tide will pull me in a certain direction in terms of my own work.

I remember a lesson I had learned a long time ago in regards to people in my life: "Let it go." I find that mantra useful in a writer's room. You fight for something you believe in - if it serves you, then you let it go. As creative people, we want so badly for our voices to be heard. And you'll follow that impulse in whatever outlet you have for your work. If your only outlet is what you do for money - and the opinions of your showrunner and executives - and sometimes your actors - count more than yours, then that voice will get drowned out pretty quickly and effectively. The wave will take you under. Now, if you see the wave coming and duck under and then pop back up when the wave passes, you're still standing strong. That doesn't mean that one should just become a people pleaser and a yes person. It's important to know the dynamic of a writer's room and how to operate within that dynamic. Then it's important to go home and do your own stuff that isn't about being produced or sold. You have to do that solo work that you want to see too - like spec pilots and screenplays. But there should be room for writing that's just for you. Some of that might get produced, but that's not necessarily the goal. 

I recently wrote something that's so purely in a voice that's all of my own, but it's also a voice I've never written in before. That play is having a workshop this summer and I just finished it a little over two months ago. I'm going to enjoy that process. I'm going to enjoy the process of being a purely creative person and having the process be all about me. Because that's not what it is in the writer's room. And it can't be until I run my own show - and even then, I have people to answer to. But I want that experience very soon. And it can happen. But I have to understand the cost of creative freedom. Creative freedom often means less money. But in TV, that also is very livable money.

If I have the sort of career where I'm making millions of dollars a year, I have to understand the pros and cons of that kind of career. If it's a position I see out, then most likely I will be writing other people's ideas and I'll be a showrunner for hire. There's a possible scenario where I get all of that financial reward and I get to do my own stuff primarily. But again, that's not the norm and I can't make a plan for that. 

I can make a plan to have creative freedom in my professional writing career. I can still take jobs that teach me how to run a room and negotiate ideas. I can still take jobs that are for the money so I can have that creative freedom. I can still take jobs that allow me the financial resources so that I can take a break when I need to and then come back. All of that is a tall order. But that's where I have the most freedom. I can decide how I want my career to go and then act on that accordingly. Every action I make in my career helps me define what I really want because it reveals to me what the options are in a clear and practical way. I no longer want to be on the outside looking in. I want to be on the inside, figuring out what kind of life I want for myself because that's where all of the information is.

I am grateful that both my TV and theatre careers are thriving.

I am grateful that I have the information necessary to make decisions for myself.

I am grateful that I'm constantly evolving and defining what I want.

I am grateful that life is revealing itself to me.

I am grateful that I feel fulfilled and purposeful on a creative level.