I'm doing the Deepak/Oprah mediation challenge for 21 days. I do it every time it comes up, but I don't maintain my meditation practice beyond that. I want to be better at it. I was really good about my daily meditation about two years ago. I've fallen off - maybe partially because of work and "being busy." But that's no excuse.
I've made great strides in clearing out noise - proverbial and actual - from my life. But I still don't have a daily practice.
It comes down to Time. Time's always a factor in everything. I hear a lot of friends talk about how they don't have time for certain things. Many a friend log off Facebook for a period of time so they can be more productive. They make this big announcement about how they're going off Facebook because they've got important things to do. The same thing holds true about the "writer's cave." I have a lot of friends who bury themselves in their work and make a huge announcement about it. I tend not to announce when I'm disengaging or holing myself up to get work done.
It's a waste of time.
And it's this big grand gesture to let everyone know how much work you're trying to get done. I just tell people when the work is done. I finished a new pilot draft last night. Its only 33 pages - that's not that hard to do. But in order to get those 33 pages done, I had to spend time thinking about the project. I had to make a treatment. I had to write a beat outline, then a full outline, then drafts of that full outline and then I started pages. I asked Cory to hold me accountable to getting things done. I didn't panic when half the month passed by and I hadn't finished a full draft. I knew I had been working. And I didn't let shame or fear get in the way of me finishing. I didn't psyche myself out. A lot of those expectation building gestures tend to freak people out.
Ever since I started eliminating anxiety from my life, I have found time to do a lot more things. I'm going to do an accountability page count in a few days to see how much I have written this year. I think my last number of pure script pages was about 560. I've written drafts of the play since then and this new pilot. Plus, I have outline pages that I also include in another accounting. My last number for that was about 750 with script and outline pages. That number might be close to 1000 now.
But the number isn't important to me. Yes, that number has climbed in the past few years from 1000 to 2000 to 1500. I think it's creeping down even lower this year. But the point is that it's still a high number, even at 1000. And the work itself has gotten better because of the constant grind. I have more opportunities that have taken me away from my computer. I've also logged in hours on set and in rehearsal. Before, all I was doing was writing. Now I'm writing and producing and reading more scripts and running a writers group and talking to students and teaching. The number of hours I'm logging in for paid work keeps increasing, so that's what's ultimately important. I'm also making time for other productive activities.
I don't feel crushed by time these days. Maybe that's because I appreciate everything I'm able to do. Even if I don't get 15 pages done a day, it's fine. And comparing myself every day to my most productive days is ridiculous. I make time every day for the work. And sometimes a lot of it gets done. Other times less gets done. But I'm at it EVERY DAY, which means that a less productive day is still okay.
I've got plans for November and December. And because I'm working every day, they seem more doable. Today I'm taking time to get caught up on other work and to read. And I'll get back to the work tomorrow. I'm not worried that time is running out. I know that it's on my side and I've got all the time in the world as long as I use it.
My intention is stillness.
My intention is growth.
My intention is compassion.
I am grateful for the past seven years.
I am grateful for my own personal growth.
I am grateful for the people in my life now.
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Monday, October 16, 2017
Options
Right now, Hollywood seems like a pretty fucked up place to want to work. You've got to do all of this work for free in order to get a shot at something. And you've got to have the right sample - or four of the right samples for any given situation (procedure, light drama, soap, genre, etc.). It's like throwing things at the wall and seeing what sticks. I know a lot of writers like this.
I don't want to be a writer like this.
Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?
I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.
I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.
Does that mean I should give up?
I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.
I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.
And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.
And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...
TO BE LOUDER
I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.
My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.
My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.
I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.
I don't want to be a writer like this.
Can I even be the writer I want to be and survive in Hollywood?
I contemplated quitting trying to be a professional writer a few years ago after my Dad died. It seemed so frivolous. And after being on Facebook today, I really am annoyed by some of the people in Hollywood. These are people in positions of power - not because they're big studio heads or big producers. But because they are privileged white people. Mainly white men. And they speak for all of us. Or attempt to. I look at the way the industry is and even a mediocre, dickish white guy will have a career over someone who tries to be nice to everyone, does everything they're supposed to, writes provocative work, and knows how to write an effective pilot. I've been told countless times that my stuff is good, even amazing. But it's niche. So it's not the quality of the material, but it's the subject matter. Because to have a sample that has legs, you've got to write something that feels like it can appeal to everyone. But a family's a family. And I can't help that I'm obsessed with the worlds of culture, art, fashion, advertising and not law, medicine or law enforcement.
I can only be me. That does not mean it's going to be well-received.
Does that mean I should give up?
I've said countless times that my voice is important because it's a unique voice. There needs to be solidarity built among other communities of color and LGBT communities. There's strength in numbers. I feel taken care of and looked after by my Latino Gay brothers. But I'm not feeling that sort of love a lot of other places. We need to come together and realize that we're all a part of one being. But we have separated off into factions - we've become territorial. And anything that is not of that territory must be the enemy.
I have been seeing a lot of the #metoo posts on Facebook. This has arisen out of the Harvey Weinstein accusations of sexual harassment and assault. It has happened to a great deal of women. I remember seeing Terry Crews talk about how he was groped by a male executive. I thought it was an odd time to bring it up, but I realize that's also sexual assault. Then I've seen all of these posts on Facebook. I saw one by an old friend of mine who's male. Then I saw one by a friend and former professor. And another by another colleague. I didn't think I should post because I didn't want to take away from the women posting. But then I realized that I was silencing myself and that's when the person who assaulted you wins. It's something I don't talk about often. It's about the first time I had sex. It's about the years before that when I had an ongoing relationship with someone older than me - inappropriately older because I was 14. It's about me not talking about it because I had engaged in these sexual situations willingly at first. It felt consensual and then it didn't. So I posted.
And I got two messages that were not supportive and that accused me of co-oping this moment that belongs to women. And it was by someone I really don't get along with. But we're Hollywood nice to each other because we've worked together. He proceeded to tell me how I should have reacted and scolded me. In other words, he tried to silence me. And while I knew that that was the whole reason I said something because I had to face the silencers, it still hurt. And it still made me feel small. But that's what silence does.
And if I let the silencers win...then that pervasive, dominant, know-it-all voice continues. And that voice is there to shut me up. So I only have one choice...
TO BE LOUDER
I have this new pilot that's aggressively critical of a certain way of thinking that opportunities are being taken away from the privileged. Like we can only succeed so far before we have to slow down and not surpass those who gave us opportunities in the first place. It's complicated because this lead character has a lot. He has all of the things he's told he's supposed to want. And then he sees that this is as far as his colleagues want him to go. And his "friends" thought they'd get further ahead before he did, so it wasn't a problem until he took "the lead." This is exactly what I want to write about right now. And it's in the form of a TV spec pilot that's supposed to get me work. I'm hoping it represents a voice that's not being heard.
My deepest fear is that I won't be heard. That I won't be understood. That I will be silenced. So the minority reaction to my post hit a bullseye on that fear. And now I need to fight back the way I know how to - through my work, through my voice.
My intention is to be heard.
My intention is speak loudly.
My intention is empathy.
I am grateful for the strong reaction that has only fortified my resolve.
I am grateful to be doing something scary and dangerous.
I am grateful to be putting it on the line.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
On a Mission
I think about that Vanessa Williams song from the 90s - "Work to Do."
"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."
October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.
I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.
It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.
I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.
What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:
"Oh, I got work to do
I got work baby
I got a job baby
I got work to do
Said I got work to do."
October has been a good month so far. Actually, last week was a good week. I'm day 15 on my Whole 30, so I'm at the halfway mark, which is amazing. I feel better. I'm being told I look better, which is nice. But I'm trying to detox. And honestly, this is the way I should be eating. I love a piece of cheese every now and again and a glass of wine or a cocktail. But maybe being sober is a good way to keep myself focused. I honestly don't miss the booze at all. And it's cheaper when I go out. I'm only drinking to be social. I can do that with sparkling water. But the clarity has made me way more productive.
I've been working on this pilot idea for a few months, just trying to figure out what it is that I want to write about. And in the meantime, I had a second pilot idea. But I don't want to get so overwhelmed with everything that I get nothing done. So I did a treatment of both ideas. And I walked into October with both of those completed, about three or four pages each. I finished a beat outline and a narrative outline last week for the primary idea. And I'm using my class time and exercises to do work on the second idea so I can write something in November. So far that seems manageable. Then I started doing the rewrite of my play, having no idea how to approach changes. I got notes from my dramaturg and director and then decided to start doing some work. I finished that last week too.
It's hard to write when I've got school going on. But I think I've managed a workload and a schedule that seems to be working for me. I got all of my student critiques done for my grad students already and both my undergrad classes don't have assignments this week. I do have some grading for my intro class to do, but that should take up too much time. I'll do that with some down time. But I basically have the week to get my own shit done! And that means the first pilot.
I'm heading to San Diego this week Tuesday through Thursday to meet with all three of my classes. And next week I'm cancelling classes because I'm going to something in town on the day I normally teach. So I have the rest of this month to get this pilot written. I put the play away until my workshop next month, so that's done. And I'll be doing these exercises along side my students for the second pilot, so that work will be happening in class.
What am I trying to do before the end of the year? Well, I'm trying not to freak myself out by setting such large goals. But ideally, I'd like to get both pilots done. I'll have a draft of the play more solid because of all the work we're doing in workshop in November. So here's my loose plan:
- October: Write pilot #1 and work on story and characters for pilot #2.
- November: Write pilot #2 and workshop play.
- December: Rewrite pilot #1 and pilot #2.
That feels very doable, considering that I'm also teaching. December will get heavy with my school work because a lot of the work will be coming in for my students. I'm going to rearrange my school schedule a little bit so I'm not driving down to meet with my grad students as much as I have planned in November. I need to make time for work in November. That possibly means that I will have three new pilots this year because I have the rewrite of the old pilot that got out.
I then have two pilot ideas for 2018 that I could start working on and I can start that process in January. I'm not writing these pilots for any other reason than to have them done. I want to stay productive and active and keep my skills sharp. As long as I do that, I'm fine.
I'm teaching and keeping my skills for giving feedback sharp. I'm running a room essentially with my classes. And if I finish both pilots I will have written six scripts this year. That is a good pace to be keeping up. Obviously, I want a new agent and to get staffed. But I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm thinking about writing the stuff I want to write. That seems to have gotten me to where I'm at. Everything else is not up to me.
My intention is to keep writing.
My intention is to keep growing.
My intention is to keep moving.
I am grateful for a Sunday.
I am grateful for time to get work done.
I am grateful for good friends around me.
I am grateful for fun.
I am grateful for the Korean Spa.
Saturday, October 7, 2017
I Am an Artistic Leader...
...not an artistic follower.
What an arrogant thing to say.
I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.
After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"
I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.
What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?
Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.
Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?
I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.
Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.
I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.
And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.
My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.
I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.
What an arrogant thing to say.
I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.
After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"
I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.
What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?
Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.
Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?
I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.
Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.
I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.
And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.
My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.
I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)