Playing the Part of You in the Play About Your Life

I actually did this yesterday. I didn't want to, but my director insisted that I play the part of the character based on me for the first rehearsal of a workshop we're doing. And I resisted because I thought she might be trying to convince me to play the part for real. I am not an actor. There's no way I'm doing that. A few people have said that might be a great idea. And the actor playing my father was trying to convince me to do it before we started the reading. I said no to everyone. Now, you might think this lady might protest too much.

But here's what playing me in the story of me did for me yesterday. It helped me get inside the play. It helped me understand the world I was building in a way I hadn't before. It was actually an exhilarating experience if I'm being completely honest. I had a lot of fun with it. Now it's different to go from that to performance. I don't want to be in it for a variety of reasons. One being that I've got other things to do and I don't want my schedule to be tied into being in a play. But I do think the audience needs to be on this journey with someone else. I think watching me go through it every night would be rough. It also changes the dynamic of the play a lot. I like the distance created from someone else in the role. Now, it would be really hard to get that energy. But someone could study me in rehearsals. I know I've got a special energy, but that doesn't mean I should do this one man show with five friends thing.

Those things happened to me. So it all feels incredibly real. I didn't think I was acting as much as channeling and taking myself back to that time. And I could have taken myself further. But I don't necessarily want to have to go through it night after night. Let someone else do that because it's not reliving their life. They would be faking it in the best possible way. I would be reliving a difficult time in my life.

It allowed me to own parts of myself though. It allowed me to own my story and own my anger. It allowed me to own who I am. And an exercise in owning who you are is a great thing. It opened me up to being okay with who I am. And that's still something I struggle with on a daily basis. That's just the process of embodying myself.

My intention is ownership.
My intention is to value.
My intention is to lead.

I am grateful for the productivity I've experienced in the past few months. 
I am grateful for the opportunities that are being presented.
I am grateful for what is being manifested in my life.

I Am an Artistic Leader...

...not an artistic follower.

What an arrogant thing to say.

I woke up this morning the way I've been waking up the past few weeks - a little depressed. And in the last week or so, I've been really tired. Now maybe that's because I had spent the week before that on the phone and emailing various Subaru dealerships in Southern CA trying to find my mom the right car at an uncompromising price. Maybe it's because I left one dealership last Friday with a very disappointed mother after we walked out seconds before finalizing a deal because it wasn't perfect enough and because my brother told us to. Then we went to another dealership and got exactly what we wanted. Maybe it's because I'm teaching again and pouring myself into it because I don't know how to do it any other way.

After a conversation with my friend Susan last night, I woke up and had to ask myself the question, "What makes you happy?"

I have a low grade "down in the dumps" vibe right now. It's not the deep depression I've experienced in the past. And it's not a return to a way of thinking that made me sad years ago. But it's time for a reset. I'm in the middle of resetting my body with another round of Whole 30 after a few months of really sliding with my habits. My late night cravings started coming back and I had stopped drinking bone broth throughout the day. So I am back on my program resetting my body and trying to stay regular. I feel the same reboot is necessary in my work life.

What's the creative reboot equivalent of a high protein, veggie-based diet without sugars, grains, legumes, alcohol, dairy or soy?

Body Assessment: I would look in the mirror and see a few extra pounds. I would see that underneath the relatively light layer of fat was a body trying to show itself. It's a body that enjoys physical activity and is strong in places. It's good shoulders and arms. It's a sweet smile and healthy skin. It's strong legs. But that middle part is getting in the way of the picture. There's definition to these muscles that's not showing itself because my body is holding onto things that it doesn't need. I don't need an insane six pack. But I need my fat to not get in the way of me seeing my body for the powerful machine and beautiful house for my thoughts that it is.

Assessment: I'm productive every day. I have several projects I'm working on. I've got the play that we're doing a workshop of and staging in Spring 2018. I have three classes I'm teaching. I have two pilots I want to write. And I have this writers program I'm applying for. How do I prioritize?

I do what I'm doing this month with the Whole 30. I put myself on a 30-day plan for getting this pilot done and everything has to prioritize around getting this pilot done. That means I'm doing something on it every day. The school work takes a back seat to that - and that includes the lesson planning and the grading. I have to make an effort to do something on the pilot I'm writing this month every day.

Here's what I'm noticing. The things that I do on my own, I excel at. I did not get into one writers program, which might be geared towards staffing. I'm possibly overqualified (meaning I have too many credits) to do it. So I'm letting that go. And there's another studio program I applied for where the same thing is possible. I'm not getting calls to develop something at the digital company I worked for. Okay none of those things are possibilities.

I am getting teaching jobs. I am getting opportunities to meet on premium cable shows. Where my voice and leadership are valued, I am feeling heat. Even though the teaching jobs are coming, that's not what I want to do. But what that says to me is that my expertise is valued. So how do I parlay that into more TV work? I write my own stuff. I continue to be productive. I've done a great job at showing my peer group that I am a prolific and very productive writer. I need to do the same thing in the industry. No one can argue with hard work and prolific output. Getting this pilot done and making some major headway on the other pilot are two ways to do that. If I get this done and then, back to back, get the other one done, then I put myself in a good position.

And even giving people notes - that's keeping my skill set sharp. Again, everything is writing. Nothing I'm doing is veering me off that course - not the teaching, not the giving friends notes, not these programs I'm applying for, not the play producing I'm doing. It's all towards the goal of being an artistic leader, not an artistic follower. Because when I do things that fall in the follower category, I get less traction. If I stay focused, then the water gets less murky and the destination is clear and within my sights.

My intention is to be a leader.
My intention is to make money as a TV writer.
My intention is to have a fruitful and balanced career.
My intention is to do all the things I love at once.
My intention is to make everything I do writing.

I am grateful that I can have a conversation about how reps need to do more work.
I am grateful that I am a professional.
I am grateful that I am having different conversations one, two, three years later.
I am grateful that the close friendships in my life are working relationships.
I am grateful that there's more.
I am grateful that I don't need to push, but I can make way for.

Behind the Pages

I spent part of my Sunday watching a marathon of old "Behind the Music" episodes, that old show from VH1 that I absolutely LOVED as a kid. It was a one hour documentary series that talked about the stories behind the careers and hit songs of the biggest pop stars in history. I used to watch it when I lived in New York. It was the best. And the ones I watched today were from a revamp they did in 2010 with P!nk and Christina Aquilera. I geeked out all over again.

As I was geeking out, I thought about my own successes and failures over my lifetime and still-growing career. I love P!nk because she doesn't give a shit and she just does her own thing. She also writes some of the most searing pop songs I've ever heard. I love her music. And it made me think of this recent creative growth spurt I had - and hopefully one I'm still going through. I have been writing plays since college. They all were bad for a long time - even the ones that got me into grad school and the ones I wrote in grad school. I was all passion and no technique - reminds me of the kind of dancer I was in college - for a very long time.

Someone said to me in grad school that it felt like I was holding back. I could hear those words but I didn't know how to break out of whatever shell or whatever fear I was holding onto. I went for years like that. I tortured myself probably for another 8 years after that, trying to figure out who I was. It didn't help that I dated guys instead of doing that exploration. It didn't help that I gave up myself to an industry that didn't know who I was so it kept trying to make me the thing that sells. But I didn't have a debut album that sold 2 million copies (P!nk) or 17 million copies (Christina). I didn't have a grand introduction into the industry. I didn't have a stunning debut that I needed to prove people wrong about. My whole career has been leading up to my "M!sunderstood" album or my version of "Stripped." My life has taken its turns on a much smaller scale. But the same thing is at stake - making who I am known and laying that bare.

It wasn't until I started writing in a way that felt true to myself that things started to change. That really started with my last play, "Death and Cockroaches." If the play before that, "This is Only a Test" was my Off the Wall, Madonna or Justified, then D&C was my Thriller, Like a Virgin or FutureSexLoveSounds. The plays before that were like Janet Jackson's career before Control. They were my Janet Jackson or Beat Street. Yes, I know a lot about random pop culture.

My first musings in undergrad were ideas for plays about lounge singers and amnesia, a young adult going after his child molester, and then I wrote something that broke all convention. I decided that I wanted to do a student recital, but the theatre department wouldn't let me because I wasn't officially a major. I was only a minor. Oddly, this wouldn't be the last time I would be penalized for being a minority. And it wouldn't be the last time that I made the most of it.

The result of that effort was a collection of poems set to dance and music called "Breakthrough." I got all of my friends together - the island of misfit toys - and made something beautiful. I choreographed it myself, directed it and put it up. It was my Yentl. I wrote, directed, choreographed, produced and starred in it. It was the first time something I had created had such universal praise. My best friend from LA was there just three weeks after a tragic family loss. I felt like I had arrived as an artist.

And then I left college and completely switched gears and started doing other things. I moved to Portland and I worked for a crazy ad agency, one of the best in the world. I lived life and dated and had affairs and eventually made my way to New York where eventually I realized I wanted to write plays as a career. I was going to be a playwright. I wrote a play that immediately got me into NYU with a full scholarship and I thought I had made it. Then I wrote nothing but bad plays and bad screenplays and decent TV spec pilots. I was confused as a writer the entire time throughout graduate school, but still left thinking that my career was going to take off because I had graduated from Tisch.

Nothing happened that entire year after grad school, so I moved back to LA to pursue a TV writing career. I had written another spec script during that year and I had two comedy specs ready to go. I languished for a few months and then got a job and a manager after being in town for less than six months. Then I pursued all of my dreams while working a day job for seven years for a high level literary manager. And while I got close on a few staffing jobs and a Nickelodeon fellowship, nothing ever really materialized. I fell in love with an addict and spent my time living this grand Hollywood life, the life I had dreamed of. Now that I think about it, all of my Hollywood dreams came true. I went to parties and I travelled the world. I met famous people and flew on private jets. I really did have a stunning life. I lived in West Hollywood, wore beautiful expensive clothes and at the best meals of my life. But I was living someone else's life and forgot who I was. I went to bed at night feeling alone and like a stranger to myself.

So I left and started a new job and my life got marginally better as I sat in an office by myself reading scripts and being appreciated for the first time in a long time. Then my Dad got sick and my life changed forever and I wrote at home while he was sleeping just go keep my sanity. I had forgotten why I had started writing in the first place because I was so busy trying to be validated. I wanted to be rich and famous. But I got to live that life and I realized that it was empty. I got exactly what I thought I wanted, but I got it without earning it, without working for it and without getting acknowledged for the gifts I had inside. I thought I had blown my chance. Before my life had the chance to begin, I thought it was over. I was a petty, jealous, envious, shell of a human being and I thought that's the way I was supposed to be. I was totally competitive and rarely happy for anyone else's success because I thought their success was supposed to be my success. I was angry and bitter and I took it out on myself by drinking too much and being promiscuous when I should have been more faithful. Sure, I was always loyal, but rarely faithful.

Then my Dad died. And I didn't even know if I should be writing. It felt so empty. Actually, the thing that felt empty was the pursuit of validation. The writing continued to be bright and wonderful. And the deeper I got, the deeper my writing got. My father's death broke me open and now I just had to stand in my grief and let it wash over me. I vowed that first year to not run away from it. So I wrote. I lived. I didn't try to get another job to distract myself. I lived on unemployment until the last possible moment I could. Then I continued to be unemployed. I managed somehow. And I took some temp jobs and made some money from my former employer. I got into another relationship and took care of another person so he could pursue his dream. I made the same mistakes all over again, but didn't think so because this guy was kinder. But he still wasn't as supportive as I needed a man to be. But I didn't know that men could be supportive of me, so I wasn't looking for that. I didn't put that on my list.

During this time, I wrote two plays that I liked. They were good. They were funny. They were well constructed and they were somewhat personal. I wanted to make sense of my open relationship, so I wrote about that. And I wanted to make sense of someone's loss of faith, so I wrote about that. Also, after my Dad died I started writing about death. And everything I have written since has had a death in it or it spoke about death. But nothing happened with those plays. And then I got frustrated. And then I got irreverent.

So I sent in a proposal for a play that I wanted to write. I had seen a report on MSNBC about active shooter drills and it made me angry. It also inspired me because the idea felt so theatrical - these shooting reenactments. I knew it would involve a large cast - at the time, I thought eight. I knew it wouldn't be producible. I didn't care. I wrote a proposal that expressed my frustration and said that I didn't know what the fuck I was going to write because I haven't written it yet. But these are the stories I wanted to express. I wrote about the story I knew I didn't want to write. I was very clear about that. But maybe because I didn't give a fuck, I got accepted into this program to develop my play for eight months. And I poured myself into it. For the first time in a long time, I only focused on myself. I was working hard and putting in the hours. I was meditating, watching my diet, working out, and only working on this project for eight months. And while I was doing that my relationship fell apart because it was only sustained by my efforts to keep it going when it shouldn't have kept going. Once I didn't have the energy to give, we drifted apart and then we broke up. But the play I wrote was a triumph that didn't do what everyone said it would do. It got no awards or attention or a production. It didn't make me the playwright the world would know.

But it did a lot. It taught me to fight for my vision. It taught me to not be afraid to be unpopular. It taught me who to fight with and who not to fight with. It taught me that I could not get into trouble for fighting. It taught me to be the leader and custodian of my own play. It taught me to love actors and to encourage them. It taught me to love and encourage my director. And it taught me to fuck everyone else. Seriously, fuck them. They don't matter. They don't know my vision. They can go fuck themselves. And my play was the better for it. We had an incredible reading and I was proud of the work. But it did nothing for my theatre career.

After the break up, I got the opportunity to submit to a show my friend was running. After some initial encouragement, she had bad news: the execs didn't want to hire someone who had never worked in TV before for a web series. But she could get my work to them, other than that I was on my own. And I submitted this play which was the perfect sample. I got the job - one month after my break up. And then I wrote three episodes and got to be on set and got into the Writers Guild. I finally got the thing I had always wanted - and I was still struggling and trying to make ends meet - but this felt amazing. I knew I could do it again and I did again the following year when I got promoted to Co-Producer and wrote two more episodes.

But then I was also too busy to bask in any of that glory because I had just written something truly special. I went back four years to when my Dad was sick and I moved home to take care of him. I had finally been able to write about that time in my life with the utmost truth and honesty and in the crass, inappropriate, irreverent voice I had been developing all of my life. I started the play in October the previous year when everyone was telling me how brilliant the other play was and how it was going to do all of these brilliant things for my theatre career. I didn't want to listen or be swayed or be disappointed when that didn't happen. So I kept writing. And then I wrote something even more personal and moving. And when I finished it, while I was working on the show, the theatre company I had been working with in their writers group called me to talk about something. Then we had lunch and they offered me a workshop for the play. And I said yes. And then they said they wanted me to join the company and I couldn't believe it. I had the theatre community I had always wanted. I had a place where I could develop my own work and I could get something produced because I was going to produce it. It would set my voice free in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I'm going to write plays with the freedom that I can have a workshop whenever I want it. And I can have people read new pages. I wouldn't have to depend on anyone to make my career happen.

I also discovered a new dream on set. I realized that I want to direct - or at least try my hand at it. So I directed a play workshop this year and the company liked it. And I'm hoping to direct it next year. Along with getting ready for my production next year. I might be directing a play for the company and having a play produced. While keeping my career moving along. I wrote a TV spec pilot that I love. I'm teaching three classes this semester at SDSU where I've been teaching for four semesters. I'm finally qualified to apply for any full time teaching jobs, if I so choose to do so. But most importantly, my dreams have gotten bigger.

I have a new goal to direct a TV show when I get my own show on the air. In order to do that I have to start directing plays and short films - so I have new things to look forward to. I have always wanted to start choreographing dance again and maybe one day I'll get the chance. But I was never a great dancer. And I am a great writer - I have that natural gift. So directing seems like the obvious choice for me to explore and to use the skills of visual storytelling I used as a choreographer back in college. things re coming full circle.

Yes, I still want to get that next TV job. That is a goal. But in order to get there I have to continue to write interesting TV spec pilots. And while I was trying to figure out what I was going to write next based on an idea I have, I started writing out a treatment for another brand new idea. And that's going to be big and bold and fun to write. It's about a golden age in Hollywood. And it's about our social morays in another time. I also now understand that I have this other idea that has taken longer to figure out what it is. And some ideas are just like that. Some ideas don't pop out shiny because some ideas aren't shiny, but they still should get written. And it doesn't matter if none of these are produced or none of these get me jobs because these are the stories I have to write. These are the stories that are coming out of me As much as my Dad's death broke me open, writing "Death and Cockroaches" broke me open as a writer. I say it all of the time and it is so true.

More than anything, I'm excited about what's to come. I'm excited to get to know this new writer who I have become as a result of that play. That play will have reverberations in my career from this moment forward. I am a changed spirit because of that play. And the greater news is that I get to see that play produced next year. This year, I'm working on new pages. Next year, I hope to work more in TV as I have a produced play and direct another produced play. I honestly don't know when I'll be writing my next play, which I already have planned out. It's something smaller, three characters. But I know that it's my next play. However, right now I have these two TV ideas to get out and I have another idea right behind that one, which I would like to develop with someone. I'd like to start pitching ideas in addition to writing them. I love writing new spec pilots. I don't want to stop that to pitch. I want to do both. But I would love to get paid to write a pilot.

Like I said, the dream gets bigger. Now I know what it takes to do the things I want to do. I feel so much more fully formed in order to do the things I want to do. I have more control over my career than I ever have. And I'm looking for a creative partner, in a new agent, to help me get there and to share my vision. I also am looking to share my life with someone ambitious and fun. And maybe the cosmic joke is that it IS another writer. Who the fuck knows?

But I just want to continue to be open and available to the surprise of life, which is exactly the thing I've been aspiring to for a long time - to let the Universe dream a bigger dream than I can for myself. It's all pretty incredible. And now I just need to be ready for the next surprise.

My intention is to be surprised.
My intention is to be open.
My intention is to be clear.
My intention is to love what I do.

I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities over the past 18 months.
I am grateful for every bit of this journey.
I am grateful for the love in my life.
I am grateful that the future looks so bright and so hopeful.

What Do I Want?

Today's meditation reminded me to always ask for what I want and what I want can be as expansive as I want it to be. Sometimes it's difficult to give myself permission to ask for the things I truly want. I am thankful this exercise wasn't that hard. When I'm able to see all that's being set forth in front of me, I know I'm in a good place.

So the following is from my meditation journal around the question WHAT DO I WANT?

I want a life without limitations.

Of course my first answer was that I want a job I'm up for. Then I thought about what that meant for me. And immediately, the word FREEDOM popped into my head. Wanting that job is too small. It's one limited thing. But freedom is something more. I want to have the freedom to do what I want to say what I want to be what I want. That freedom to be myself always is important. Then another phrase popped into my head: NO LIMITATIONS.

I want NO LIMITS in declaring what I want. I put limits on myself all of the time before I even ask for what I want. So even in the asking for what I want, what I want sometimes is limited. So I need to have no limits from the conception of the thought so that when the thought becomes reality, I have asked for something that will give me full freedom. But to do that I have to be free.

Everything I want I can have. And guilt is a limitation. Feeling like I don't deserve something somehow or that it's not available to me. Feeling like there's a cost to what I want or what I ask for is a limitation. Feeling like I will hurt someone's feelings or feeling like I will embarrass someone or feeling like I will make them feel less than. Those are all limitations and I want none of those.

I always give my Mom advice. And I often ask her to ask herself the question

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I don't know if I ever consider that question myself. Or maybe I don't consider it enough. And I ask it of her in relationship to her retirement. How does she want her life to be? But I should ask myself that question in my active life - What do I want my life to be? What do I want?

I came to the conclusion after the meditation that I want a LIMITLESS LIFE. I want no limitations in what I ask for myself and of myself. I can have boundless energy and endless adventures. I can ask for exactly what I want without guilt or shame or embarrassment or fear.

A couple of weeks ago, I did something really simple. I sent in my material to a show. They were looking for a Producer level writer. At first, I looked at the email and kept scrolling. Then I came back to it. I was a Co-Producer on my show this year and the next step is Producer. I decided to throw my hat in the ring. I decided to let go of the notion that my friend who sent out the opportunity was going to laugh in my face and think I was crazy. When I've told some people, I can feel them think that I'm crazy. But that's them putting their own limitations for themselves on me. I knew that putting myself in as a Producer might make my manager agitated. But he wasn't submitting me. I knew that it might be a stretch, so I acknowledged that. But not in a way to discourage or cause doubt. I acknowledged the issue and then I explained why I am qualified. 

I didn't get the job. But that wasn't the point. I knew that I had to shift something in my brain. I had to stop thinking of the limitations. I had to stop thinking that my friend would laugh at my email or that his boss would or that my manager would get wind and think I was an idiot or that my friends when I told them that story would think I have a huge ego. Those are all limitations. Those are all doubts. Those are all Resistance - that little bugger - rearing its dirty little head. I knew that one simple action would start a ripple.

I saw a Showrunner at the Kilroy's party a few weeks ago and she asked me if I was working. I told her no. She asked to read my stuff. I thought she was filming a whole pilot, so I thought I had at least a month or so. But then I found out they were only filming a presentation. And she reached out, wondering if my manager had sent stuff over yet. I had gotten notes from him and I started implementing them by the time I got the email from her wondering where my material was. I had already been working a few days after I got his notes. So when I told him that she needed the material and I wanted to send it before I left for Sonoma, I was prepared. I didn't panic. I did the work. I did not put limitations on myself like fear, doubt, panic. I did it. I gave it to him. He turned it around and sent it. I didn't think about it.

Then I got the email yesterday that she wants to meet with me. Then I found out she wants to meet with me the day I'm leaving to Portland. I'm having my manager check to see if she can see me earlier in the week. I'm putting it out into the flow of the universe. I know it will work out the way it's supposed to.

In asking myself "What Do I Want?" I am focused on getting what I want. The next part of the meditation was about having focus once you've declared what you want. There's the quote from The Alchemist, "Once you decide what you want, the Universe conspires to help you get it." So I'm declaring what I want and I'm taking the steps necessary to get it. That also reminds me of an article I read years ago that my friend Caitlin had passed on. It was about goals versus systems. And the basic idea is that if we're set on one particular goal, it's a limitation. But if we focus on the work we need to do to accomplish that goal, without expecting an outcome, we usually get more than we had asked for in the first place. So I've been working on this "What do I Want?" question for a long time because I started implementing that mentality in my life a few years ago. And when I did that, my life started to change. I did get a lot more accomplished than I thought I would. And people started recognizing me as a prolific person. Even someone like my manager, who isn't aware that this is the way I operate says in his letters about me that I am a "young prolific playwright." Someone that got communicated to him. I wonder how? Maybe because that's what he's seeing from me.

Here's the next part of that meditation journal. What do you truly want? How will you get it? What will it feel like to have it? And who will be around you?

I want to have an entertainment empire. 

I want to be a producer/showrunner with my own shows on the air. I want to have my own ideas for shows. I want to go out and pitch them. Then I want to sell them, write them and film them. I also want the opportunity to direct once I have my first show on the air. Then I'd like to take ideas I like, but maybe can't write myself, and produce those shows as well. I want to parlay the writing into showrunning into directing and into producing. I want to have a production company that does all of this. 

I will write on other people's shows and watch how they run the room and run their set. I will work hard to learn every aspect of production from directing to set design. I will be a producer on the shows I work on. Then I will get the opportunity to pitch my own shows and take them through the pilot process. I will get those shows on the air and once I have the experience of directing under my belt - because I have also started directing play workshops and will direct my first play next year - I will start directing episodes. Eventually, I'd like to by a director for hire if I'm in between shows and want to take a break from running shows or being on staff. 

With all of this experience of being on set as a writer/director, I will start thinking about my friends' ideas and what I love but could never write. Either because I don't have that particular skill for that genre or because I don't have time. Then I will take those projects out under my own shingle and start producing projects. Once I have enough projects in the pipeline, I will have a deal at a studio and hire a development executive who will start that process. I learned about the production deal when I worked for a manager and he had his own pod. I will take that experience in how he developed work and apply it to how I develop work - mainly watching what mistakes I observed. I will have a fully functioning production company - I will borrow from what another playwright/TV writer-producer is doing and start producing plays by people of color and other interesting playwrights who interest me. This will be a natural extension of what I am doing now at Chalk Rep. All of this is a natural extension of what I'm doing at Chalk Rep with my producing of my own work and of my friend Cory's play. I'm already doing this. And if we have a relationship with a big regional theatre that we're looking into this could be a cool way to parlay what I'm doing there with what I want to do on the TV development side.

The encouraging thing is that I am already doing the work I want to be doing. I'm producing theatre and developing relationships with playwrights. I want to take that work and funnel it into production deals. I want to find a way to bring both sides of my working life - theatre and TV - together in a symbiotic way. With all of this producing, writing and directing I'll be doing I will find myself with an entertainment empire where I am a major tastemaker. I said two years ago when I was trying for the PCS job that I felt it was important that I was a major tastemaker in the theatre. That was thinking too small. And they didn't want me. But more importantly, the energy of the Universe didn't want me to think that small. A short while later I became a tastemaker in the theatre in my theatre company. I am being presented with an opportunity to be a bigger tastemaker in the theatre. And eventually, I will be a bigger tastemaker in other media, including television and streaming media.

I will have other people I respect with me: I believe in the talents of Jen, David, Cory, Carrie, Dominic, Dave, among others. But I am also getting to know more writers and directors. I loved working with Julian and Tessa on my show. I would find ways to work with them more. I love Dime and I love Alexis. I think there's room to work with them as well. Then of course there are my Gay Latino hermanos. We're all growing, so by the time I'm ready to start approaching writers to be on staff with me or to produce, we'll all be ready. And we'll all have our empires where we'll get to work with each other or even compete with each other, meaning there will be a lot of us out there.

My intention is to know what I want.

My intention is to act on what I want.

My intention is to be focused.

My intention is to see everything I have done and make it apart of the same goal.

My intention is to remind myself daily of what I have accomplished.

I am grateful that I can state it so clearly.

I am grateful that I want a lot.

I am grateful that my heart and soul are in it.

I am grateful to have the support of a strong and capable community around me.

I am grateful that what I want is what I already have but on a bigger scale.

I am grateful that I know that all of this is attainable.

I am grateful that I am already working on it.

I am grateful that I can see it.

A New Play?

My friend Cory and I saw a production of Edward Albee's The Play About the Baby last night. It was a good production. Well-acted. Strange. Fun. We left the theatre scratching our heads a bit. And as I was driving home, thinking about what I had just seen, I couldn't remember the last time a play left me scratching my head in a good way. We have such a move towards clarity and unambiguousness in writing that I don't find myself challenged that often in the theatre. And the theatre used to be the place where that happened.

Even my plays, which are provocative and loud sometimes, aren't intentionally or even skillfully ambiguous. That said, I don't watch a lot of stuff that's really that exciting or stays with me for very long. Plays have become Chinese food. As a professor of TV and Film writing, I have to encourage my students to write scripts that announce who they are right away. I wrote a play this year that announces what it is right away. I don't think it's a TV script. But I wanted the audience to have a sense of what it was getting itself into.

I'm getting ready to start a new play - maybe within the hour, even. I thought I didn't have any ideas left and then an idea popped into my head a month ago. Or I was reminded of an idea that I have and that popped into my head. And here's the thing, since next year's supposed to the The Year of TV (which I pronounced in the last blog post), then maybe I should get to serious work on this play in the next two months.

I'm a member of a theatre company now - that happened this year. So if I want something heard out loud, I can go to our monthly writers group meetings and have something read out loud. And if I want to hear the play once it's finished, I can plan a reading and then later on a workshop of that play. This is the first time I'm writing a play (outside of grad school) and not thinking about how to get it read. I'm able to take more risks. And the risk I'm taking this time is a play in real time with four characters in a single space. HA! I guess that's new for me, therefore it feels real risky.

I don't remember the last time a play really inspired me to write something. Well, I did have that experience last year. But I don't remember the last time a play inspired me to write something not at all related to the play I just saw. Or in the same style. It was more of a call to arms last night that good plays need to be written. That seemed exciting to me. And I'm kind of digging the thought of spending the next two months working on a new play. And then spending February next year working on the rewrite. That actually could be pretty damn cool. I'm a fan of that idea.

My intention is growth.
My intention is knowledge.
My intention is productivity.
My intention is paid work.
My intention is excitement.
My intention is inspiration.

I am grateful for every job I've had this year.

My Mom's Never Seen Anything I've Done

My story isn't the story of the supportive family that has seen everything I've done. My friend Elizabeth had her family fly out to see her short ten minute play and as she was telling me about it, I felt like this is a regular occurrence. I'm not saying my family isn't proud. I'm not saying that my mother doesn't want to see my work. I kind of keep it away from her. Well, I tried not include her last year in a play reading I had. She ended up canceling at the last minute. I'm sure that soured me to the idea of including her.

Some of my reluctance probably has to do with PTSD from being a kid and not feeling understood. I felt like an alien in my family and eventually it just felt better to stay on my planet. But tonight, Mom came to the show. I was featured in an evening of ten-minute plays. I wasn't nervous about her seeing the show. But I think I wanted her to see something more substantial. My play's good and it's an effective, cute ten-minute play. But I know that I have another, more recent play that's much more of who I am. I didn't let her come to that reading because I was nervous. I don't think I was ready to have my Mom see something that personal.

So maybe this was the perfect introduction. My Mom said a lot of people came up to her and said she had a very talented son. It's strange, but I kind of have no reaction to that. I've got the most supportive friends. And people who really respect me. But it's honestly a little embarrassing to have people say that about me to my Mom. I don't think that's a great thing. But it just happens to be the way I react. I'm thrilled my friends have said such nice things. I wonder if it's that obvious that I need that sort of validation. Probably. I'm pretty transparent.

I'm learning to be more open with my family about my work. I've written about them, so I guess I'll have to confront my fears more directly. I've written a play about my family and that felt so exposing whenI did it. I never really pictured any of my family seeing the play. Ironically, that might be the play they see first. I guess I want my family to be proud of me. But honestly, I probably want my peers to like my work more than I want my family to. Those are the people I get nervous around.

At my last reading, it meant a lot that my peers showed up for me and were really moved. Those are the folks who I want validation from. The important part to me was that my Mom had a good time and got to meet my friends. At the end of the day, I wasn't nervous because I know my Mom loves me anyway. I know that whatever I do, she's proud of. I know she was happy to be there and happy to be there as my Mom. That's what's great about Mom's. They're going to support their kids because that's their kid doing their thing. I should be more grateful and not expect my mom to be my critic. Because it's not going to happen. I already have an inner critic. And plenty of outer critics. The question becomes:

Why do I need so much criticism? Why do I seek it out?

My intention is to silence the critics.
My intention is to be kinder to myself.
My intention is to be more grateful.

I am grateful for my Mom's support.
I am grateful for great friends.
I am grateful for the opportunities I've been given this year.

I Found Love in a Hopeless Place

It's "Submission Season" in the American Theatre. It's that time of year where playwrights dust off a play they've been working on - or scramble to finish a draft of a play they want to submit to various play development opportunities. It's also the time of year that the Facebook Group "The Official Playwrights of Facebook" posts articles about how pointless it is to submit blindly to these contests.

For the past several years (too many to count), I have consistently submitted a play to such places as PlayPenn, the O'Neill, Sundance, Seven Devils, Great Plains Theatre Conference, Playwrights Week at the Lark, Ojai, etc. In all of that time I've been a finalist and semi-finalist to about four conferences. I used to live and die by these submission deadlines. For me and countless other playwrights who haven't hit it big (I use that term loosely) in the American Theatre, these submissions represent a fantasy of having a seat at the cool kids table.

I have a submission chart I keep to track where I've submitted. Nowadays, it's more to make sure I don't send duplicates to these contests. Most won't don't like it when you submit the same play more than once, even if you have rewritten it. The chart is in Excel and it's color coded and has columns for previous years. It's all very detailed with a notes section and all that jazz. I'm fortunate in that I've got personal connections to a lot of theatres around the country so I can send some things directly to literary managers. But I completely understand that there's a large population of playwrights who enter this lottery every year hoping that something will happen.

These articles that poo poo this submission process say that you can't get anywhere if you don't have an MFA from a fancy school. Well, I DO have an MFA from a top playwriting program and I'm still having a hard time. I also agree with that accessment - it makes the odds a lot more difficult without name recognition from a program. It's just another part of the vetting process. Right out of grad school, I got read at major off Broadway theatres just because I graduated from a certain program.

Among my playwriting colleagues here in LA, I've got a lot of people who take this time very seriously. Our Playwrights Union devotes their big event of the year, the Playwriting Challenge, to preparing for fall submissions. The challenge is to write a new play in a month. Then that play can be read in our First Peek festival in May or June and the playwright has time to work on the play in time for those submissions. My approach to this time of year is to get everything out and forget about it.

I believe my approach is met with a lot of skepticism or at least a good amount of side eye. I'm sure it's hard to believe that I submit stuff and then I don't think about it. Well, it makes my life for the next several months a lot more pleasant. I like getting recognized for my hard work, but I don't think that those programs are the only judges of what's good. Frankly, I don't think those taste makers have a far enough reach to get to everything that's good. In a perfect world, people would be seeing everything in their local market - including readings - and keeping accurate record of the most promising playwrights and plays. When I worked in TV development, that was kind of my job. People in the theatre - and in TV and film for that matter - don't get paid enough to do that. I didn't get paid enough to do that, but the promise of TV and film money was enough to motivate me. But the truth is that they're all only human and that there are only so many hours in the day.

If I'm not getting my validation from the Ivory Tower then where am I getting it from? I have two recent plays that I'm in love with. I have another play that's small enough and tame enough to have a lot of appeal. Then there's the play I wrote five years ago that I think's terrific, but didn't get much love other than some readings. I have a play I wrote a longer time ago that was a finalist at the O'Neill that has never seen the light of day. And I have a play that I wrote an even longer time ago than that that still is one of my favorite things I've written, mainly because no one else loves it. It's the play I send to people when they're looking for something to produce that's not already attached to a director or a theatre. That's a total of six plays that I like - out of countless others I've written. None of those have been produced yet. Things have come close, but nothing has come to fruition yet. But still I continue to write. Why? Doesn't all of that rejection say that I'm fooling myself?

I'm like a dog with a bone. I also write things that stretch my capabilities. I know I'm good. I know I challenge myself. That's the reason to write right there. For me, anyway. In all of those years of submitting to things, I started getting the opportunity to work with local LA theatres. I started getting the opportunity to hear my work read out loud and I got a great opportunity last year to develop a new play with a local theatre. The process was difficult - but I wrote twelve drafts of that play. Some friends said it was the best thing I had written. That it had to get produced or at least developed at one of these summer conferences. It got me a manager and a TV job. But no love from the theatre community - not one honorable mention. It happens to be an incredibly crafted, timely and poignant piece of work. But when I got all of this good will from my friends and colleagues about the play, telling me that this thing and that thing was going to happen, I got to work on the next thing.

I knew better than to let all of those well-meaning words of encouragement put me in a situation where I waited for my jackpot to arrive. I started working on the next thing while I was submitting this "slam dunk" of a play. By the way, that's it's own reward. For one's competitors (yes, we're colleagues and friends, but we all want the same opportunities and we can't ALL win every year) to give that much love is its own success. The respect of one's peers is a BIG DEAL. We had a big reading last September of the other play, I had 19 pages of something new about a month later. It was fresh and new and the head of my writers group at a theatre I really respected got excited. That was success. It got me to keep writing. I decided that I needed to finish this play and I needed support. So I volunteered to run a concurrent writing challenge along side the PU's New Play Challenge. Since this play was not "new" - by February, I was about 50 pages in - it didn't qualify for the existing writing challenge. I had about six other writers who also had plays to rewrite or finish. I finished that play in February. Heard it for the first time at the end of the month, sent it to the head of the writers group who wanted to read the full draft. He loved it. We got a workshop on the books at the theatre. But the bigger success was that the theatre made me a member based on that play. I now have an artistic home.

For me, that's bigger than winning a contest. And it's a direct result of me just continuing to write. Sometimes to meet the deadline of these submissions. But mostly because it's what I do and what I love and the more I do it, the better I get. But that whole time, I didn't just depend on that ONE thing or that ONE time of year. I spent time reading plays at theatres and "networking", I guess. I don't know if I'll ever get recognized by any of those big places. At this point, I don't care. It's not something I'm chasing. If I get recognized, then that's wonderful and helpful on a number of levels. I submit to keep my name out there. I submit because it's good to reinforce and to tell people who you are and what you believe in through your work and through the statements they make you write up.

I just finished two submissions yesterday. I would have done more, but none of the other places I'm submitting to have opened up their pipelines for the upcoming season. And that's fine. I even decided not to apply to a few places. The exercise of it is good for me. But then I submit and forget. I'm not defined by any of it. I have a friend who says that she wants the opportunity, not just the recognition. But for me, the opportunity exists whenever I seek it out. These are great deadlines, but they're not anything I hang my hopes on any more. Because as I've discovered this year, it all happens unexpectedly anyway. You have to have an expectation I guess to have that expectation subverted. I suppose. But I'd rather be focused on the work than what happens out side of my control. Doesn't mean I'm not driven or motivated or ambitious. The ambition is in the work.

My intention is to keep writing.
My intention is to do the next thing.
My intention is to leap.

I am grateful for deadlines.
I am grateful for artistic statements.
I am grateful for submissions.

This Is the Part Where I Break Free...

That's a line from an Ariana Grande song that I'm obsessed with.  I listen to it when I'm spinning or in the gym. I listen to it when I'm writing and I need to liberate myself somehow. I'm often trying to pump myself up somehow to get to the gym or to sit in front of the computer and write. More often than not, it's hard to muster up the courage to write or do anything productive.

My friends will say that I am a pretty productive guy and I get things done. They'll say that this self-depricating stuff is bullshit - that I'm a beast when it comes to getting shit done. And that's partially true. I am so aware of the Resistance and I try to overcome it that the energy translates into productivity. When procrastination and worry and fear - the agents of Resistance - are around, you have to take them seriously. They are formidable opponents. So I am aware of how hard it is to create work and how much of a miracle it is when it happens.

And when you're productive, something magical happens. The muse shows up. But it's the routine action of showing up that gets her to show up. Last year, I wrote a play that people liked. I had developed it with a local theatre and I had a series of readings, culminating in a big one in September. Once people started saying things like "this is going to get produced" or "someone's going to do this play", I put plugs in my ears and ran away. There was such a high expectation for this thing I had created. So I walked into my writer's group and I brought in pages for a new play.

Much to my surprise, that was well-received. Then I finished the play at the end of February. I gave it to the head of the writer's group to have him read it. Then the theatre committed to a summer workshop. And they asked me to join the company.

That workshop happened this month. And the reading happened yesterday. I've been working on this play pretty hard during the past week. That's why I've been doing my K Spa Writing Tour for the past week. I knew that I had to bring it. There were notes and suggestions my actors made and I knew that if I didn't make the proper changes, I was going to be angry at myself. I can't sit in an audience thinking about the things I should have changed.

My director sent me an email today saying that she heard the play as if it was for the first time yesterday. That sums up perfectly how I felt. I don't know what happened. But it felt like a blur. From the jump, there was something magical and exciting about that reading. We worked with our lead actor for an hour on Friday just on the opening monologue. I knew that if we didn't nail that moment, then we wouldn't have had our audience. I knew we needed an hour to work with him - and thankfully, we were all available. Once we ran through the monologue - and the actors started coming in for their call time for rehearsal - I could hear it. I knew that we had something. And I knew that with an audience, it would be on fire.

We had a packed house. About 50 or so people. We only had 24 people RSVP'd to come. I was hoping that people would show up. And they did, in huge numbers. All of a sudden, I looked around and felt like I needed to grab a seat or I wasn't going to have one. And just like that, we were off to the races. And our lead actor nailed it. He had the audience in the palm of his hand. The scenes were fast and lean. The performances were high octane. The laughs were big. And the emotions were big too. I don't think we timed it, but there's no way that was over 90 minutes. And if it was, it flew.

When it was all over, the audience cheered. I turned to my friends, who said they were proud of me. And then I lost it and cried my eyes out. I couldn't stop crying for what felt like two minutes. I just released all of it. I cried because my friends were there and they were proud of me. That means everything. It's also the thing I sought from my Dad and I couldn't get from him. So for my friends to so openly tell me how much they loved it and love me…that was enough for me to cry like a baby. Fortunately, that was all broken up when we needed to take a cast photo.

But then…my best friend David came up to me with tears in his eyes. David lost his mom this year. And he said it felt so familiar. And he told me he was proud of me. I lost it again. I cried in his arms. We cried in each other's arms. Then he said the magic words, "And it was fucking funny."  I had nailed the emotional stuff, but the play works because it's so funny too. I had a few exchanges like that with people who got emotional. I'm so glad the play touches people. And then I started hearing predictions, which are aways flattering and way nice. But it also makes me freak out.

Does that mean it's time to start on something new? I don't know. I have no ideas. I'm taking a different approach this time. I'm going to lean into it. This play should be done everywhere. It should have a big world premiere somewhere. I would love our theatre company to do it, but it might involve a lot of hoop jumping to figure out a way for us to do it. It's not a natural fit for our site specific theatre company. But there might be ways for it to work. The thing I don't want to do is force a square peg into a round hole and hurt the play.

Something happened to me in the writing of this play. I can honestly say I would not have been ready to write this play until now. I can feel myself getting better as a playwright through writing this play. The play I wrote last year also had this effect on me. As epic as that play was, this play is so deeply personal. Last year's play is amazing because it does so much and there's a play within a play inside of it. It takes huge leaps. And I took even bigger leaps on this play. I thought I was ready before. I am ready now. This is the person I want to present to the world.

My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.
My intention is to take a leap.

I am grateful for the support of all of my friends.
I am grateful for the love.
I am grateful for my friend David who makes me feel loved.

Community: In the Rehearsal Room

I'm writing a series of posts about Community. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the places I have community lately - certain friendships, groups I'm a part of, and my work. In my last post, I wrote about a group of guys I meet up with at least every couple of months for drinks - but whom I see regularly at functions and to get together and write. They're a part of my writing life and keeping me motivated. That motivation and support has lead to a new play I'm working on. We started a workshop this week and I thought I'd report from the rehearsal room. I wrote earlier this week about the room itself, but now I want to expand on some broader themes of what it feels like to be in a room with a bunch of people who are supposed to be your family, my Asian director and our two producers.

As I looked across the table, I saw actors who are supposed to be me, my mom, my dad and my brother. I also had actors who are supposed to be more fictional versions of my Dad's doctor, his caretaker, my ex-boyfriend and an obviously fictional imaginary cockroach. This play has been birthed from my fractured mind. All of these actors were here because they agreed to be there, but they also read the play and liked it.

One of my favorite places to be in life is a rehearsal room doing table work on a new play. It's where I get to hear the play for the first time with actors - at least this new version of it. I started writing the play last Fall, I finished it in February and had done some rewrites on it so I could do this workshop. Chalk Rep, the theatre company I'm a part of, asked me to join because of this play and also offered to do this workshop. This has been in the works since April. So to finally be in a room where I feel completely supported is amazing. I love being in rehearsal rooms in general, but to be here for this play in particular with actors who look like my family and are of the right ethnic origin - I'm not prepared for how emotional this is for me. They saw things in the play that people who aren't from my particular cultural background wouldn't pick up on. On one level, it's a simple family drama. On another level, it's about telling a story of something that happened to me. It's the play that most obviously represents my voice and personality on stage. I honestly didn't think I could be that bare and open in a play. I honestly have been afraid to be this bare and open. I feel like this experience is changing me as a playwright. 

I feel like the experiences I've had over the past five years have changed me as a writer. First of all, the productivity of the past five years - and especially the past two and a half years - have made me better. The old adage that "writers write" and the more you write, the better you get is absolutely true. I wrote with an urgency when my Dad was sick. I wrote to escape. I had a renewed sense of purpose in my writing. I wrote to challenge myself. Then I wrote to cope. I started writing about death after my Dad's death. And now I'm actually writing about my Dad's death. But every play I've written since he died has had death as a part of the story. But when I started writing a lot more and only writing about two and a half years ago, I became a better writer by just writing more. That led to an eight month long development process on a play I wrote last year. Then that led to me being on staff on a show this year while working on this play and two other pilot scripts. I'm excited that the work I've been doing is making all of my writing better.

Back to the rehearsal room - this is my most personal play ever. I'm in it as a character. It's also my most ambitious play ever. I don't think about things like "producibility" when I'm writing. I'd like to write a two-hander as a challenge perhaps if I found a play idea that wanted to be a two-hander. And that play would probably be more producible and that would do things for me career-wise. But I have to write the play in front of my in the way I want to. I won't always write big plays. But I consider myself a frugal playwright, everything in the play has a reason to be there and a full impact. Nothing's wasted or indulgent. As I look around the table, and I hear the comments, I know that experience is making me a better writer. I feel more connected to my cast because they are telling stories from their own personal lives that feel relevant to this play. It's making me feel like my story isn't singular and that it's relatable. This table is a different table than working with primarily white theatre artists. Our two white producers have something to offer that's completely different than our actors and director of color. That's significant because we're all giving a voice to something that we've all experienced. Yes, many people at that table have had sick or dying parents. They've had their own insecurities as artists. They've had their own family issues. But when you share certain details that resonate because of a shared cultural heritage, it deepens that connection. I don't get to see a lot of stories that feel familiar to me. It's very subtle for me. These characters don't talk about their race. It's a simple family drama in many ways, but when an actor tells me about his father or mother - and relates it to being Asian or Latina - it makes me feel heard. It makes me feel like what we're doing here is not just pumping up my ego. There's a higher calling to what we're doing with this play. This play needs to be heard. And not solely for my own advancement. The community we're creating in this room needs to be expanded.

After only two days, I felt like I have a responsibility with these rewrites. These actors have given me something. I need to give them something better back. Then they need to hit the ball back to me and then I'll write more. We are bringing everything we have to up our collective game. And in those two days, we became connected. Maybe we'll even feel like a family at the end of this process. Right now I can say that I'd lift this cast for production. Not only because it's hard to find actors of age and color, but because our director started out and said they should bring themselves to these roles and infuse them with their personal experience. She was inviting these characters to resonate in them. And once that happened - whoosh - the play exploded. It also exposed the weaknesses in the play, which I'm grateful for . It's the time for those weaknesses to be exposed. I'm going to try to strengthen as many of those weaknesses as I can in two weeks. I owe it to them. I owe it to my family to represent them well. I owe it to the memory of my Dad. And I owe it to the story, which needs to be told. I've never felt more strongly that a play of mine needs to be produced and seen by millions of people. I feel the same way about my play about shooting drills - for different reasons. But I feel like with these two most recent plays I'm writing about things that are bigger than me. They've got a greater purpose and hopefully, a greater journey.

I listened to a podcast yesterday between two writers - one who I know who was the interviewer and another whose work I know. They talked about the meaning of success. And the interviewed writer said that success was just the fact that she gets to do it. I feel the same way. The validation comes from getting to do the work. But these are two plays who have a greater purpose beyond me. They need to be seen and produced and read. They need to be published. They need to be done. So any personal benefit that comes from that is only in service to the goal of them existing for a larger audience.

Bringing it back to community - I guess this theatre thing is all about creating community. It's avoiding the loneliness of my brain and the sterileness of the page. So you have to go into a room and hear the voices in your head being split up and interpreted by actors. And those actors bring themselves and then you do rewrites based on those reactions and then it becomes something that's collaborative. Hopefully the fruits of that labor result in putting the work up somewhere and sharing it with an audience. That's why it has to be good. Otherwise, it's wasteful and indulgent. That's a pretty high falutin' goal. But I'm a pretty high falutin' fella. That's the only reason I'm in this game - to serve a higher purpose.

My intention is to write a good play.

My intention is to be open-minded and open-hearted.

My intention is to get this play seen by millions of people.

I am grateful for these actors.

I am grateful for my theatre company that wants to explore this play.

I am grateful for the connections being made.

I am grateful for the fun being had.

Rock Me Amadeus

I saw a production of Amadeus last night. I have read the play many times. I've seen it once in a production directed by John Doyle about ten years ago outside of London. I wasn't that excited about seeing it, but a friend of mine wanted to go see it and I got us tickets to go.

As a guy who writes plays, I'm not always that interested in seeing old plays. There are seminal plays I'll go see if they're out there - I wouldn't miss a stellar production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf or anything by Fornes or Churchill. I'd race to go see a Sarah Kane play. I want to see things that enlighten me as a person. Amadeus is theatrical and it's a well-written, exciting play. But I was going strictly as a favor to a friend.

My big complaint about theatre these days is that we're stuck in the confines of these four character plays that take place in one room because they're easy to produce. This play had about 14 actors in it and it's not a musical. Actually, that would be considered a big musical these days maybe. Yes, maybe theatre did get indulgent at some point with 12 character plays. But there's something incredible about a play that big. Lately, I've been writing plays that are about six actors. That seems to be the sweet spot these days. And I write two act plays. Both of those things are incredibly out of fashion. But what I see are these awful plays that aren't about anything of much interest. Some of that is subject matter, but a lot of that is form. I hear other writers complain about the formulaic quality of television because it's stuck in a certain structure. But it's theatre that's stuck.

It was amazing to see a play that big and bold and theatrical. It's a history play. And I forgot how crazy Amadeus is as a character and how sad. Then I thought about one of the chef characters in the pilot I'm rewriting. He's Mozart. It seemed to make so much sense while I was watching the play and thinking about this character. Of course he's lost and a genius and can't function in real life. He's wildly uncompromising and it bites him in the ass.

My friend loves seeing these established plays because he imagines himself playing one of those great theatre roles one day. For him, going back to the history books is important. As a playwright, it's important to know the canon, but it's more important to know what's going on now. Both are vital. But I mainly go see plays and readings by friends these days. I'm glad I dragged my ass out to the theatre to see this classic which is pretty revolutionary these days because no one's doing a new play that big. It was shocking and thrilling and exciting for that. It works.

I am grateful for breaks.
I am grateful for boldness in the theatre.
I am grateful for friendships.
I am grateful for hard work.
I am grateful to know where I stand.

The Importance of Doing Both

Now that I'm working in TV and in theatre as a writer, I realize the value of having both in my life. I always knew that I had an interest in working in both mediums. And of course I aspired to work in TV as a playwright. But it wasn't until I started working on the other side that I realized that working in both fields simultaneously is an imperative.

For me, it's as similar as being a dancer and continuing to take technique classes while you're creating your own original work. The creative impulse will keep me reading books, watching movies, finding sources of inspiration. Right now, I'm learning the craft of writing for television by doing it. I've studied TV writing in grad school and I've written a number of pilots. I've also read hundreds and hundreds of TV scripts - perhaps that number is in the thousands at this point. But until I got in a writer's room and understood how ideas are pitched and bandied about in the room, I don't think I really understood how scripts are made. It's writing by committee, even in the best situations. And I'm so used to writing alone and making decisions before I collaborate with a director and dramaturg. 

When you write by committee, you reach consensus - or at least, you have to write what your showrunner ultimately wants you to write. As a playwright, your strength is that you think outside of the norm. You know how to work in collaboration. You have fresh ideas. When you start writing by committee, things naturally get watered down. You have the room - but then you have the network and studio giving you notes as well. So everything gets smoothed out. If that's the only way you write, then preserving your ideas and your identity become of paramount importance as it relates to working in the room, on a show.

As a playwright, you're writing in your own voice all of the time - at least that's the opportunity you have. Your edges are sharp and crisp. Your identity is clear all over the page and you work hard to protect that. The trick is to take the technique of writing in a room and apply it to an original idea in a voice that's purely your own. That seems to be where the magic happens. I'm able to let go of certain things in the room that serve the story, but maybe not my personal voice or agenda, because I know I always have a place where I get to write in that voice. If I give that up, the collective tide will pull me in a certain direction in terms of my own work.

I remember a lesson I had learned a long time ago in regards to people in my life: "Let it go." I find that mantra useful in a writer's room. You fight for something you believe in - if it serves you, then you let it go. As creative people, we want so badly for our voices to be heard. And you'll follow that impulse in whatever outlet you have for your work. If your only outlet is what you do for money - and the opinions of your showrunner and executives - and sometimes your actors - count more than yours, then that voice will get drowned out pretty quickly and effectively. The wave will take you under. Now, if you see the wave coming and duck under and then pop back up when the wave passes, you're still standing strong. That doesn't mean that one should just become a people pleaser and a yes person. It's important to know the dynamic of a writer's room and how to operate within that dynamic. Then it's important to go home and do your own stuff that isn't about being produced or sold. You have to do that solo work that you want to see too - like spec pilots and screenplays. But there should be room for writing that's just for you. Some of that might get produced, but that's not necessarily the goal. 

I recently wrote something that's so purely in a voice that's all of my own, but it's also a voice I've never written in before. That play is having a workshop this summer and I just finished it a little over two months ago. I'm going to enjoy that process. I'm going to enjoy the process of being a purely creative person and having the process be all about me. Because that's not what it is in the writer's room. And it can't be until I run my own show - and even then, I have people to answer to. But I want that experience very soon. And it can happen. But I have to understand the cost of creative freedom. Creative freedom often means less money. But in TV, that also is very livable money.

If I have the sort of career where I'm making millions of dollars a year, I have to understand the pros and cons of that kind of career. If it's a position I see out, then most likely I will be writing other people's ideas and I'll be a showrunner for hire. There's a possible scenario where I get all of that financial reward and I get to do my own stuff primarily. But again, that's not the norm and I can't make a plan for that. 

I can make a plan to have creative freedom in my professional writing career. I can still take jobs that teach me how to run a room and negotiate ideas. I can still take jobs that are for the money so I can have that creative freedom. I can still take jobs that allow me the financial resources so that I can take a break when I need to and then come back. All of that is a tall order. But that's where I have the most freedom. I can decide how I want my career to go and then act on that accordingly. Every action I make in my career helps me define what I really want because it reveals to me what the options are in a clear and practical way. I no longer want to be on the outside looking in. I want to be on the inside, figuring out what kind of life I want for myself because that's where all of the information is.

I am grateful that both my TV and theatre careers are thriving.

I am grateful that I have the information necessary to make decisions for myself.

I am grateful that I'm constantly evolving and defining what I want.

I am grateful that life is revealing itself to me.

I am grateful that I feel fulfilled and purposeful on a creative level.

May Days

I don't know how I'm going to get all of the work done I need to get done. I'm leaving for Vegas on Monday for my writer's retreat. But I really need to get started on stuff tomorrow. Ideally, I'd get the play started before I leave. Or I would get the pilot rewrite started. Or both. I guess I should really just start taking notes - which I started today. Kind of.

I have the house to myself, so I should be able to get some stuff done. I'm trying to work in coffee shops or at the library tomorrow. It would make me very happy to get all the work I need to get started done this weekend. I realize I need to take it a bit easy because I've been working for two and a half weeks in the writer's room. I basically went from finishing my first episode to pitching and outlining my second episode to getting ready to write that episode. I should be ready to start writing that second episode while I"m gone. But I'm probably going to wait and start it at the end of the week, after I've come back. I need to come back from Vegas with a full play script and a full pilot script. I know that sounds crazy, but that's why I'm getting out of dodge.

I'm not leaving for fun or to drink or to get laid - although some or all of that might happen. I'm going to get shit done. I'll probably head out mid morning on Monday so I can get to Vegas around 1 or 2, try to check in early, and then get to working. I'll work all day Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I'll head out after check out on Friday and then get back to town Friday afternoon. I have to walk that tightrope of not putting too much pressure on myself and hunkering down to get the shit done. It's Vegas, so there will be stuff available to me to do, but it won't be so fun to go outside that I'll feel like I need to be on vacation. Yes, there will the pool and the spa. And there will be plenty for me to do if I just want to grab my lap top at three in the morning and go write. I like that it's a 24 hour town. I'm going to be on call for four days getting my stuff done. I'm glad I'm not leaving until Monday. It needs to feel like Vegas during the week instead of getting the tail end of the weekend. I have to get my stuff done. I need to have my own routine and I need to not have to cook for myself. This is a purely writerly week of getting work done.

I remember when I did this back in May of 2014. I took off to Monterey for the week. It was amazing because I got to stay at Molly's place and I had the run of the joint to get shit done. It really was pretty fantastic for me. And I got the stuff done that I needed to get done. I came back and by the 18th of that month I had a new pilot and a new play done. Come to think of it, I was working on the same play I'm working on this time. Isn't that hilarious? I didn't even realize that until now. This play is getting a lot of personal retreat time love. That's good because it deserves that.

I went running every day. I'm bringing my Cize workout with me so I can do my dance routine every morning. I'm going to try and eat healthy when I'm gone. But I'm going to have a daily routine of sitting down and working from 9 AM until about 5 PM. And whatever else I can get done outside of that will be great. But if I need to take breaks, I'll take breaks.

I'll come back and have a Mother's Day weekend, then I'll have to hunker back down and start on my episode,which will probably be due at the end of that week. I'll turn in the draft to my peeps so they can start on casting and all of that jazz. I'll probably have to reach out to folks soon. I should probably have the casting process start this week so that can be happening as I'm writing. Maybe I should have the first few scenes done before I leave. Yikes! I've got more work than I thought.

We're rehearsing the week of May 16th - with a read through of the script probably on the 16th. Then we're going to stage the play that entire week. Oy! That's pretty nuts. If we can get casting rolling and get the script written this week, then I'll feel like we will be okay. I don't really have a lot of time to work on this and I'm scared that it won't turn out the way I want it to. But that's why we're doing this, right?

I am grateful to have one creative process after another to challenge me.
I am grateful for collaborators.
I am grateful that I get to revisit this play.

The Moment I Remember the Most This Year

As Christmas is coming and the end of the year approaches, it's all about a personal review of moments from this year. And the moment I remember the most from this year happened in May. I had gone through about three months of working on this new play and had a public reading of it. The theatre I was working with wasn't sure I should do a public reading yet. But I knew I needed it as a part of my process. I had asked my dramaturg to give me a break for six weeks while I worked on this play on my own. I was going to cast it myself and put it together on my own. I decided that I wouldn't have a director who would get in the middle of the process I knew I would be having with the director I was bringing in for my workshop.

This was the moment where I stopped listening to anybody. Now we're often told that this is the moment where things fall apart. And I was willing to take that risk. I had the support of the theatre up to this point. They did support me ultimately in the decision I felt I needed to make, but I got a lot of flack for it that was unproductive. We did a reading of it in April where I got a lot of conflicting advice. I had two friends tell me what they responded to. That left me feeling like I was at a crossroads. When I shared that info with my dramaturg, that gave her the opening to express how she felt the play could be more contained and smaller than I had written it. I remember a conversation we had where I realized that the play she had in her head and the play I was writing were two different plays. I needed a break.

Since this reading was not through the theatre, I asked for that break. I explained that since this was separate from our process, I was going to take the time to work on my own. To be honest, I didn't doubt that what I was doing was the right thing. Even if I fell on my face, I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to claim my play. I had some thoughts on what I needed to do. I got rid of two actors and make it a six person play. I really ripped the play apart. I don't remember what those six weeks were like, but I know that everyone was shocked by how much work I had done.

I ran that rehearsal like crazy. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted to hear things. I remember that it was a hot day that day and the air in the theatre was turned up. Ironically, the theatre we were performing in was the theatre that was developing my play. So it still felt like they were involved somehow. The play really struck a nerve. When I saw it in front of an audience, I knew that it was the play I wanted to continue to work on. What the play ultimately became was cemented on that day and the six weeks prior. It was cemented in my choosing to work without guidance or crutches. Now it feels like a huge risk, but then it felt like I had to get everyone out of my head. I got my two best friends out of my head as well as my dramaturg.

I remember coming out of the theatre. My boyfriend was there, so that meant a ton to me. Friends were there and supportive. As we were coming out of the theatre, my friend Cory asked me how I felt about it. And as I was explaining my feelings, I burst into tears. I burst into tears! I've never been so overcome with emotion in that way. I was talking about how I wrote it for my niece and nephews. I looked at my friend Lolly, who looked so nurturing in that moment. And my friends huddled around me a bit. I couldn't believe that I was crying over my own work. But the tears came from the fact that I took that risk, I wrote the play that was in my heart to write. And people saw the potential. Of course, it would be another four months before we did a final reading in September of an even better version of the play all around with a fantastic cast and brilliant direction. But this was the moment I will remember from all year because I embarrassed myself with a huge display of emotion. It was heartfelt. It gave me the strength to deal with any disagreements from the rest of the year. I knew I could stand strong in my vision for the play because once I demonstrated it, I knew the blueprint.

I've had many creative differences this year. I've learned how to handle myself better than I would have if I just let my ego lead. I've had to smile and nod at people while they said insulting things. I had to listen and let go of other things. But I know now to trust my instincts. Theatre's collaborative and I thrive on that collaboration. Listening's very important. But the other thing that was important that I never knew before was that you can stick to your guns and not be punished for it. Now that gives a lot of egomaniacs free reign. But I hope I'm not just an egomaniac. I hope I can see objectively how to fix what needs to be broken and how to leave certain things well enough alone. I learned to trust myself this year in a way I've never been able to before.

It has made all the difference.

I am grateful for my instinct.
I am grateful for collaboration.
I am grateful for emotional outbursts.

My Ego

I realize that as a creative person, my ego is sensitive. And at times it needs to be in check. But I don't love it when people feel like they can step on what I do.

I've been reading all of these articles about playwrights and copyright and their rights. The big example right now is a university doing a production of a Lloyd Suh play and casting white actors in non-white roles. The university is blaming a tempestuous playwright for the cancellation of the production when the playwright made plenty (probably too many) accommodations for the university. I also read something about the casting of a white MLK Jr. in a production of Katori Hall's The Mountaintop. I did not have nearly the same thing happen on the same level, but I had an experience this week that I could have seen coming a mile away.

I had the amazing experience of working on a brand new play of mine from scratch this year. I worked with some amazing actors, a terrific team of a dramaturg and director. It was probably the highlight of my professional experience thus far. I'm hoping that the play has life because it deserves it. I worked the hell out of that play through rewrites and workshops and readings. My director had respect for what I was trying to do and say. We have a great working relationship and have been trying to find ways to work together. We finally had this opportunity and I hope it's not the last time we get to work together and work on this play together. And this director is way further ahead than I am professionally. I was lucky to work with her both because she's an astute director, but also because it's good for me to work with people who are more accomplished. I learned a lot about myself throughout the process. I learned how to speak up for myself and to stand up for my vision.

So I thought it would be fun to write a short play for this theatre company's holiday benefit. And it was nice to write something light this time around. Also because I am writing two TV pilots and starting work on a new play, I needed the instant gratification of doing something short. I figured it wouldn't take up too much of my time. I have three great actors who I'm excited about working with. But here's where my instincts kicked in. I had a conversation with the director they assigned me to and he kind of steamrolled me a bit. We didn't talk about anything of substance in the first conversation. We didn't talk about why I wrote the piece and he didn't really want to chit chat. It actually felt like he was a little bothered by talking to me. I was ready to jump into a process conversation and practically had to invite myself to rehearsal. He didn't have any notes for me on the script. I figured I would come to the first read through and see if there was anything I could adjust.

We had our first rehearsal yesterday and for the first ten minutes he didn't really make eye contact with me. Then he made a comment about how the play was light and fun without much substance. All true, but it felt insulting. Especially at the top of rehearsal. Then as we were reading and talking about the play, he said "Oh, I guess there might be some levels to this." Here's where my ego kicks in. Of course,  my first instinct is to defend myself. But it's the first rehearsal. I know I'm not going to be there for the other rehearsals, but am starting to feel like I can't leave this play in this guy's hands. But there's no reason for me to come to rehearsals for a ten minute play. Then I think that I should just let it go. It's a short play. It's fine.

I got a few notes and I decide to make some changes based on those notes. I stayed up last night until 2:30 in the morning to make those changes. I felt pretty good about it. I sent the revision to the director. This morning I wake up to a fresh document in my inbox that's basically a rewrite of my play. Not top to bottom. And at first, of course, I checked my ego. Calm down, there's no way he wrote stuff. He might have cut stuff, which isn't okay, but let me keep reading. Well, I kept reading and he rewrote parts of the play. He rearranged things and wrote new lines. I couldn't believe it! I've never had that experience before. I had someone give me cuts in a new document before, which I didn't like either. And he called them "suggestions", which really irked me. No, they were rewrites. And this is the point where this little cute side project became a bigger thing. Because I had to read through the entire script to look for the places he rewrote me. Then I even considered some of those rewrites. I was trying to be objective. My biggest problem was that I had no idea what problems he was addressing because all he did was send me this new version of my script. Holy shit! I kept thinking that there was no way that this guy was giving me a rewrite.

So I spent another two hours this afternoon addressing his notes and writing him an email that tried to be diplomatic. I then decided to have my friend, one of the actors, look at the script and give me thoughts. My friend's thoughts were great and actually there were places where both he and the director agreed. But that's what I wanted: objectivity. I needed to see what notes were good and which ones weren't. Because my ego was blinding me to what I needed to do at this point. My ego was making me think it was all bad. I ended up talking on the phone with my director and he defended what he did. He claimed that he was just "suggesting" changes. But the fact is that he made changes and then told me to take what I felt I needed. I'm entirely up for admitting where I'm wrong, if it makes the play better. But presenting me with a version of my play without letting me know what the issues are is not the approach for me.

Ultimately, I went back to some things I had originally. I utilized some of the director's changes as well. But I wasted a lot of time because I needed a buffer to help me see what I needed to fix. My actor friend also told me to trust my instincts. He liked what I wrote. I agreed that some things could be changed, but he didn't think it needed to be altered to the degree at which it was. At that point, it was too late because I had already altered so much. The play did improve. Certain things were streamlined, but it took so much work to make it minimally better.

I learned something about myself in this process though. I think it's good to check my ego. I think it's great to consider why I'm reacting in a certain way. But I also learned in this process and the bigger play development process I had this year that I know what I'm doing. I immediately know what does not feel right. And I don't need to be difficult, but I can stand up a little sooner. I'm defending my work. That's an okay thing to do. Being diplomatic is important as well. It's not just about laying one's dick on the table.

I learned that lesson big time on the play I wrote this year. There were moments where I just had to say, "Let me think about it." I wasn't saying yes or no. I just needed to process. And there were times, remarkably, where that was not an okay answer. I got a pretty pointed response to my "let me think about it."

But this is what I learned about smart collaborators. Their egos are not bruised easily. They know what they're doing. And when they know that you know what you're doing, it's a great partnership. No one needs to step on anyone's toes. I have many opportunities for collaboration coming up soon. I hope these challenges are preparing me for greater collaboration ahead.

I am grateful for great collaborators.
I am grateful for smart and humble people.
I am grateful to know myself.
I am grateful to know that strong-willed and open-minded aren't mutually exclusive.
I am grateful for people who make me a better person and artist.

Writing a Play

This is the first in a series of three blog posts that are based on a class I was asked to attend for a friend of mine at New York Film Academy on playwriting versus screenwriting versus TV writing. This isn't an excerpt from a lecture that I'll be giving, but more of a riff on the subject. I wanted to jot down some notes to get me thinking about what I could possibly say about how I approach writing plays. And then I'll follow up with a little something about screenwriting and a little something about TV writing.

So here it goes…

What makes a play different from writing in another medium?

For me, it's about ritual and structure. If I'm writing something that is meant to be performed live, it has a different quality. Theatre is a live experience. That suggests some sort of interaction between the audience and what is performed on stage. There's a thrill and a danger to what's going on onstage and the audience provides that because they have real time reactions to what they are seeing. As I get older and as I've written more plays, I can say that the theatre writing I do is always informed by that interaction.

I'm writing a play right now that has a certain ritual that takes place four times during the course of the play. Each time the ritual is performed, the characters in the story have a different reaction to it. And I have given character to the audience, so each time this ritual is introduced, the audience sees it through the eyes of a different population of people. In this way, the audience is identifying with different groups of people. I couldn't really do that on film.

Whether or not something should be a play is not affected by the subject matter or the dialogue. The dialogue I write doesn't always differ that much. I am more fascinated by the things that aren't being said than the things that are. I don't write dialogue that's poetic or flowery. I write dialogue that expresses the need to articulate thought, sometimes successfully and sometimes unsuccessfully. I probably do concentrate more on what's not being said and how it's not being said. I also love non-dialogue scenes. Part of my background is in dance, so I'm not afraid to put movement in my pieces, whether it's stylized or pedestrian. I like when characters express themselves through gesture and movement. And sometimes it's about a certain identifiable dance style, which takes us back to ritual. I think that a lot of subjects cross mediums. But if I know that through structure and ritual, I can amplify the themes of the story, it usually becomes a play.

In terms of structure, that's probably what makes my plays theatrical. Again, I don't write in any sort of stylized way. But I like to choose a form or a way of telling a story that amplifies its subject. In a recent play I wrote, there were these sermons that the priest character delivers and those sermons relate to the scenes that follow. Also, I decided that I wanted to tell the play backwards because I wanted to explore the idea of someone who has had experiences that shaped them, but I wanted to go from their most experienced to least experienced selves to amplify how life had changed them. Also, I had never written a play with a big reveal in the middle, at the end of the first act. So I ended up doing that in the play as well. It changes the way we see these characters and almost makes them different characters once you get into Act Two and are aware of that reveal. I don't know if the story would be as successful had it been told as a screenplay or a TV show.

Also, when I write a play, it's more contained and more concentrated. I feel like I can explore a subject matter more fully and in a more focused way in a play or screenplay. TV shows are a bit more open ended (we'll get to that soon). Plays allow me to be more playful in a way. And they change from play to play. The rules are different. Screenwriting and TV writing are so structured in terms of the way they're told. They meet a certain expectation. They are static in a way that plays are not static. In a play, I can make up a structure that works for that particular play because the audience is prepared to have a different experience. Not all plays look the same. Some are one acts, some are two acts with an intermission.

When I have an idea for a play, it is usually in my head for awhile. The new play I'm researching I have been thinking about since February. Then I jot down certain things I'd like to have happen. I also don't outline my plays per se.  If I'm working with a complicated structure, then I might organize the story lines to see where they intersect. But in a certain way, a play should feel less fixed. It should feel alive. Because it is live.