I've spent a lifetime underestimating myself.
I grew up wanting big things for myself and didn't know what was ahead of me. I spent a long time just going for it. Then I got to the pinnacle and I did a lot of soul searching. My career hasn't advanced in the ways that I wanted it to.
A small voice deep inside of me tells me that I'm not done.
While my career hasn't had the trajectory and the velocity I've wanted it to, my soul is deeper, fuller and richer. That's the person I want to be. I want to be the person who lives with heart and has strength and conviction in what he does. I want to be forever curious, not just ambitious for the sake of ambition. I don't want to achieve just so I can beat other people. I want to live more fully in who I actually am.
I can finally see it.
My tarot card readings for the past year have said, "There is so much good around you and you don't see it. You are on the verge of everything and you don't see it."
You don't see it.
You don't see it.
You don't see it.
It has been drilled in my head over and over again. I have spent time determined to see it. And finally I had to let go of my effort and repeat a mantra that's exactly the opposite and just as powerful. Even more so.
I have been determined to see it. And slowly it has been unfolding over that year.
I started keeping a gratitude journal in this blog. This blog has become my gratitude journal and just that action of being present and grateful for the things I am seeing has changed me. I have just given gratitude to everything. So I started to see it. I started to appreciate EVERYTHING about myself.
Last year, ideas would come to me without them being forced. And I would hold on to them. I could catalog them or write them down or even write them out if the spirit moved me. I watched a lot of movies: documentaries about art and culture, Robert Altman films, Woody Allen films…films by masters and TV shows by masters.
I have been practicing not censoring myself. Not censoring an idea because it's too out there or not good enough or stupid. I am learning to just express and not edit so much in the beginning.
And this is the funny thing…I'm becoming less critical with myself. And therefore, less critical of others. I still give advice and I still am constructive. But I am not hard just so I can be hard and so I can prove to myself that I know what I'm talking about. No unnecessary roughness.
The writing is never easy, but it seems to be more forthcoming.
I called last year my rewrite year. I significantly rewrote two plays. I had personal things I was dealing with. I was healing. Yet, I started a new play which I will come back to later this year. I had an idea for a new series of seven plays which I will be working on probably for at least seven years. I read a lot of books. I really just worked on being nicer to myself.
This year, I knew I would be writing new stuff. I had a challenge to write a play in a month and I did that in February. Then I wrote a pilot in March. All of a sudden, different opportunities started coming my way. I started seeing different opportunities to submit my work, where I had to get recommendations from people in order to submit. I realized that I have a lot of people in my life who are fans and who want me to succeed. And when these opportunities came, I was ready. I had material. I submitted. I got my stuff done.
I can see that because I am working and I am ready, that these opportunities are presenting themselves. The Universe is conspiring to help me. It is encouraging me to keep going. It is giving me deadlines to get work done. It is presenting actual opportunities for me to be recognized for my work, through workshops and through money.
It can happen because it is happening. I can see that.
I can finally see it.
I can see why things are starting to bubble and appear instead of wondering why things aren't happening and not noticing what is happening.
I can see it.
I know that there is energy around my productivity and success. All of it originates with me, but some of it also is coming from other sources. The important part is that all of my productivity and success is originating with me. And that I value and appreciate it.
I can see it.
And I am encouraged by it.
I am grateful for sight and insight.
I am grateful that I am happy about seeing my value.
I am grateful that my destiny is happening around me and is not just an aspiration or a far off place.
I am grateful that I am living in my purpose.
I am grateful that real, concrete, tangible things are happening for me.
I am grateful that the words flow.
I am grateful for laughter and sweat throughout it all.
I am grateful that I know not to get negative.
I am grateful for my positive energy.
I am grateful for the love that I give myself.
I am grateful for the care that I give others.
I am grateful that encouragement is coming from all sides.
I am grateful that I can be happy about it all.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
First Quarter Report: Much Gratitude and Prospectus
As we close the first quarter of the year, I'm recapping the things I'm grateful for in the first three months of 2014.
It has been a productive year so far and I hope to continue that productivity into the Second Quarter of the year.
January started out with a lot of planning. Setting up the goals for the year. I knew I had a play I was going to write, which I had been thinking about for awhile. My playwrights group has a challenge they do every year, so I knew that this play would fit into that challenge. I still didn't really know what else I would be writing, although I figured some sort of TV pilot and maybe some other things.
So at the end of the month, I started working on this new play. I had a structure. I had a plan. I started writing and by the end of February, I had 118 pages of a brand new play completed. We did an informal reading of this very early draft and I took lots and lots of notes. I knew I would have a reading of it in May, so I had two and a half months to work on it. But I also knew I needed time to let everything digest and I had a TV pilot I wanted to do next.
Again, I had been bouncing some ideas around. I also had a larger goal in mind. I have been back and forth on whether or not TV writing is something I still want to pursue. I have a few teaching jobs I have applied for and that I would be interested in. But I knew that if I wanted to have a shot at trying to get seen and read for a TV job, for it to even be an option I would have to start looking for new representation. So I started on that journey. I met with a few contacts of mine who like my work and asked them if there were any agents or managers they liked working with who they could put me in touch with. And thankfully, they did. So my material went out to those folks.
Just like the February playwriting challenge had been useful for me, I knew that I needed an equally rigorous challenge to get this TV pilot done. So I got together with my friend Andrea and I told her that I thought we should do a TV pilot writing challenge to write a first draft in a month. At first, I thought I was going to write a 1/2 hour spec pilot. I had an idea I had been working out since the end of last year, and it seemed to make a lot of sense. Plus, Andrea's a comedy writer and I thought we could be good for each other. We would share with each other our outlines, our story ideas and our drafts.
Then these agents read the play I sent and seemed to respond. So they wanted something else to read that would feel consistent with my play. One person read a half hour sample that she didn't respond to, so when the second person asked for something I sent an hour pilot. Then I thought about what I was writing and what would be consistent with both my theatre work and my other TV samples. So I decided that I would write a pilot I was going to try and write later in the year. This script is an hour drama. So I started outlining that and working on a story bible. I had that done in a week. Then I decided to write the script. I had that done in another week.
March was only half way done and I had finished a first draft of the script. That was good news. I kept doing research that would help me with the next draft. I then picked up a book that I think would make a great TV show and I'm currently looking into the rights. Then I saw an opportunity for a TV writers workshop that I want to apply to, but it's by invite only. So I'm getting one of my contacts to recommend me to that.
As I approach the end of March, the end of the first quarter of the year, I look back at how much work I had gotten done. And I attribute it to a change in attitude that I am incredibly thankful for. At the end of 2013, I read an article from Entrepreneur magazine that talked about setting up systems, ways of getting things done, instead of just focusing on goals. Goals can be disappointing if we don't accomplish them in the time frame we set out for ourselves. But if we set up ways of getting things done, such as writing everyday, then we never feel like we are falling behind. And in working on a system of productivity, I was even more productive than I thought I would be.
I am grateful that I wrote a new play in a month.
I am grateful that I wrote a new pilot in a week.
I am grateful that I will have new material to share that is finished and polished when asked.
I am grateful that, when asked, I will have work that tells the story of who I am as a writer.
I am grateful for friends and colleagues who only want the best for me and who have acted on that.
I am grateful that I have taken initiative.
I am grateful for these opportunities that showing up for me.
So as I head into the Second Quarter of the year, I have set a great pace. In April, I am heading to Portland to teach a three day playwriting workshop at PSU. I have been getting ready for that during the first quarter of the year and I will be going to do that in ten days. I love working with students and I am excited about exercising that muscle again. And that opportunity came because I took a free workshop from the head of the theatre department at PSU randomly when I was in town last summer. I opened my big mouth and an opportunity came from that. I am reaching out more and more and the Universe is responding to it.
In the Second Quarter, the annual flurry of applications for the various studio-sponsored writing fellowships are coming up. I want to be ahead of the game. So I am spending April writing a spec of House of Cards in time for the May 1st deadline for the CBS workshop. That still gives me time to revise my script for the NBC, WB and ABC programs, whose deadlines are June 1st. I also have the second draft of this pilot to continue to work on. I have started it, but took some time to take notes and to think about this next draft.
May will bring my play reading at the middle of the month. Unfortunately, my play rewrite might have to wait until the first of May. Realistically, I don't think I can get a spec pilot rewritten and a spec script written from the ground up and a new play draft. But I can spend the first two weeks of May busting my ass and getting it done. Plus, the public reading is only there for me to set another goal for another rewrite. The play will continue to be rewritten for the Fall deadlines for all of the theatre submissions. And by then, I will have a tight, wonderful version of this new play to send out.
May will also be about the rewrite of this House of Cards spec.
So far, I don't have June figured out. It could be writing a new pilot. It could be teaching a new class. It could be writing on a show. I'm just going to leave June open for right now. Plus, I'll be exhausted. Maybe I'll spend the month of June doing research for another play I want to write. I had a great idea for a new play during this First Quarter as well.
I am just happy that I have found a pace of working that seems to be opening up my senses. I keep having new ideas that come my way. I am glad to be open to all of it.
I am grateful that I already know what I'll be writing in the next three months.
I am grateful that I am going to be teaching in April.
I am grateful that I continue to generate work for myself.
I am grateful to be building momentum.
I am grateful that the writing muscle is being conditioned.
I am grateful that this is all preparing me for things I might not even be aware of.
I am grateful that my system is allowing me to far surpass my goal.
It has been a productive year so far and I hope to continue that productivity into the Second Quarter of the year.
January started out with a lot of planning. Setting up the goals for the year. I knew I had a play I was going to write, which I had been thinking about for awhile. My playwrights group has a challenge they do every year, so I knew that this play would fit into that challenge. I still didn't really know what else I would be writing, although I figured some sort of TV pilot and maybe some other things.
So at the end of the month, I started working on this new play. I had a structure. I had a plan. I started writing and by the end of February, I had 118 pages of a brand new play completed. We did an informal reading of this very early draft and I took lots and lots of notes. I knew I would have a reading of it in May, so I had two and a half months to work on it. But I also knew I needed time to let everything digest and I had a TV pilot I wanted to do next.
Again, I had been bouncing some ideas around. I also had a larger goal in mind. I have been back and forth on whether or not TV writing is something I still want to pursue. I have a few teaching jobs I have applied for and that I would be interested in. But I knew that if I wanted to have a shot at trying to get seen and read for a TV job, for it to even be an option I would have to start looking for new representation. So I started on that journey. I met with a few contacts of mine who like my work and asked them if there were any agents or managers they liked working with who they could put me in touch with. And thankfully, they did. So my material went out to those folks.
Just like the February playwriting challenge had been useful for me, I knew that I needed an equally rigorous challenge to get this TV pilot done. So I got together with my friend Andrea and I told her that I thought we should do a TV pilot writing challenge to write a first draft in a month. At first, I thought I was going to write a 1/2 hour spec pilot. I had an idea I had been working out since the end of last year, and it seemed to make a lot of sense. Plus, Andrea's a comedy writer and I thought we could be good for each other. We would share with each other our outlines, our story ideas and our drafts.
Then these agents read the play I sent and seemed to respond. So they wanted something else to read that would feel consistent with my play. One person read a half hour sample that she didn't respond to, so when the second person asked for something I sent an hour pilot. Then I thought about what I was writing and what would be consistent with both my theatre work and my other TV samples. So I decided that I would write a pilot I was going to try and write later in the year. This script is an hour drama. So I started outlining that and working on a story bible. I had that done in a week. Then I decided to write the script. I had that done in another week.
March was only half way done and I had finished a first draft of the script. That was good news. I kept doing research that would help me with the next draft. I then picked up a book that I think would make a great TV show and I'm currently looking into the rights. Then I saw an opportunity for a TV writers workshop that I want to apply to, but it's by invite only. So I'm getting one of my contacts to recommend me to that.
As I approach the end of March, the end of the first quarter of the year, I look back at how much work I had gotten done. And I attribute it to a change in attitude that I am incredibly thankful for. At the end of 2013, I read an article from Entrepreneur magazine that talked about setting up systems, ways of getting things done, instead of just focusing on goals. Goals can be disappointing if we don't accomplish them in the time frame we set out for ourselves. But if we set up ways of getting things done, such as writing everyday, then we never feel like we are falling behind. And in working on a system of productivity, I was even more productive than I thought I would be.
I am grateful that I wrote a new play in a month.
I am grateful that I wrote a new pilot in a week.
I am grateful that I will have new material to share that is finished and polished when asked.
I am grateful that, when asked, I will have work that tells the story of who I am as a writer.
I am grateful for friends and colleagues who only want the best for me and who have acted on that.
I am grateful that I have taken initiative.
I am grateful for these opportunities that showing up for me.
So as I head into the Second Quarter of the year, I have set a great pace. In April, I am heading to Portland to teach a three day playwriting workshop at PSU. I have been getting ready for that during the first quarter of the year and I will be going to do that in ten days. I love working with students and I am excited about exercising that muscle again. And that opportunity came because I took a free workshop from the head of the theatre department at PSU randomly when I was in town last summer. I opened my big mouth and an opportunity came from that. I am reaching out more and more and the Universe is responding to it.
In the Second Quarter, the annual flurry of applications for the various studio-sponsored writing fellowships are coming up. I want to be ahead of the game. So I am spending April writing a spec of House of Cards in time for the May 1st deadline for the CBS workshop. That still gives me time to revise my script for the NBC, WB and ABC programs, whose deadlines are June 1st. I also have the second draft of this pilot to continue to work on. I have started it, but took some time to take notes and to think about this next draft.
May will bring my play reading at the middle of the month. Unfortunately, my play rewrite might have to wait until the first of May. Realistically, I don't think I can get a spec pilot rewritten and a spec script written from the ground up and a new play draft. But I can spend the first two weeks of May busting my ass and getting it done. Plus, the public reading is only there for me to set another goal for another rewrite. The play will continue to be rewritten for the Fall deadlines for all of the theatre submissions. And by then, I will have a tight, wonderful version of this new play to send out.
May will also be about the rewrite of this House of Cards spec.
So far, I don't have June figured out. It could be writing a new pilot. It could be teaching a new class. It could be writing on a show. I'm just going to leave June open for right now. Plus, I'll be exhausted. Maybe I'll spend the month of June doing research for another play I want to write. I had a great idea for a new play during this First Quarter as well.
I am just happy that I have found a pace of working that seems to be opening up my senses. I keep having new ideas that come my way. I am glad to be open to all of it.
I am grateful that I already know what I'll be writing in the next three months.
I am grateful that I am going to be teaching in April.
I am grateful that I continue to generate work for myself.
I am grateful to be building momentum.
I am grateful that the writing muscle is being conditioned.
I am grateful that this is all preparing me for things I might not even be aware of.
I am grateful that my system is allowing me to far surpass my goal.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Why I Love Documentaries
People talking.
That's why I love documentaries.
I love to hear people talk to each other. I love to hear the sound of actual speaking.
As I child, I used to love hearing the sound of the rain and the shower.
Water hitting the ground.
I used to love hearing people talking in the background,
overhearing the adult conversations
at parties my parents used to go to.
Or when they would make us go to bed early as kids,
I used to love to image what was going on
downstairs.
I love talk radio.
I love talking.
So documentaries are people in real time,
in real space,
who are living their lives unfiltered.
I suppose that's what I want to do
as a narrative storyteller,
as a writer of fiction.
Why not just make documentaries?
I love to control the elements too much.
And I love to make up the words
that sound real.
I couldn't make people talk the way
I want to.
That's spontaneous.
More to the point, it comes
from them.
That's what I like about it.
It is entirely theirs.
I can't interfere with that and be effective.
But I can control
what other people say
so that it comes from me.
I like it when the words
come from someone, uninterrupted.
Even in a documentary, because I would be framing it,
I would want to control it.
So that's why real sounding fiction is better.
But I could watch documentaries for hours and hours on end.
That's because they are just information and I am not
trying to edit or look for story problems.
I am just enjoying.
I'm interested in stories.
Pure stories.
There are films and TV shows that take me out of my head, but
usually they firmly plant me in my head
because I'm thinking about what
I would say differently
or what I would do differently.
It's too hard to just watch something
for enjoyment.
Documentaries are a chance for me to just
get out and go somewhere else.
I don't have to pay attention in a critical way.
Maybe the reason I don't want to make documentaries
is that if I made documentaries then
I wouldn't enjoy them anymore.
I am grateful for documentaries of all kinds.
I am grateful for Netflix.
I am grateful for HBO Go.
I am grateful for information to enter my brain.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful that I am learning patience.
That's why I love documentaries.
I love to hear people talk to each other. I love to hear the sound of actual speaking.
As I child, I used to love hearing the sound of the rain and the shower.
Water hitting the ground.
I used to love hearing people talking in the background,
overhearing the adult conversations
at parties my parents used to go to.
Or when they would make us go to bed early as kids,
I used to love to image what was going on
downstairs.
I love talk radio.
I love talking.
So documentaries are people in real time,
in real space,
who are living their lives unfiltered.
I suppose that's what I want to do
as a narrative storyteller,
as a writer of fiction.
Why not just make documentaries?
I love to control the elements too much.
And I love to make up the words
that sound real.
I couldn't make people talk the way
I want to.
That's spontaneous.
More to the point, it comes
from them.
That's what I like about it.
It is entirely theirs.
I can't interfere with that and be effective.
But I can control
what other people say
so that it comes from me.
I like it when the words
come from someone, uninterrupted.
Even in a documentary, because I would be framing it,
I would want to control it.
So that's why real sounding fiction is better.
But I could watch documentaries for hours and hours on end.
That's because they are just information and I am not
trying to edit or look for story problems.
I am just enjoying.
I'm interested in stories.
Pure stories.
There are films and TV shows that take me out of my head, but
usually they firmly plant me in my head
because I'm thinking about what
I would say differently
or what I would do differently.
It's too hard to just watch something
for enjoyment.
Documentaries are a chance for me to just
get out and go somewhere else.
I don't have to pay attention in a critical way.
Maybe the reason I don't want to make documentaries
is that if I made documentaries then
I wouldn't enjoy them anymore.
I am grateful for documentaries of all kinds.
I am grateful for Netflix.
I am grateful for HBO Go.
I am grateful for information to enter my brain.
I am grateful for inspiration.
I am grateful that I am learning patience.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Slow Day
I'm having the most wonderful slow day today.
I woke up at 10. And I've been watching OWN and reading all day.
Just letting my thoughts gather.
Just letting my mind and body rest.
Not putting too much pressure on myself.
It's the greatest day.
I'm going to continue with it now.
I am grateful for this slow day.
I am grateful for the thoughts that are entering my mind.
I am grateful for the peace I have today.
I woke up at 10. And I've been watching OWN and reading all day.
Just letting my thoughts gather.
Just letting my mind and body rest.
Not putting too much pressure on myself.
It's the greatest day.
I'm going to continue with it now.
I am grateful for this slow day.
I am grateful for the thoughts that are entering my mind.
I am grateful for the peace I have today.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
You Deserve a Break Today
Wasn't that an old ad for McDonald's or something?
I just finished a draft of a pilot in a remarkably short amount of time. At least for me. Maybe I should stop saying that because writers who are getting paid tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to write a pilot script have to keep their pace up. Okay, so they have the advantage of large payments that are doled out into various stages: story, outline, draft, rewrites. So when they finish something, they get paid. I have my own motivation: get something done.
I am learning the pace that I will need when the paychecks start flooding in. It feels like I am in training for a very long race. But the fact remains that I have finished and I deserve a break today.
How have I been rewarding myself? I have been watching a lot of documentaries on HBO Go. It's my thing and I really love it. I love reading about things and reflecting. That is really how I am rewarding myself.
Tomorrow, I will go back to the work. But today I will fill my brain with new information. I have burned off a lot of calories and now I need calorie intake.
To be honest, I have started reading the script and just looking for things that catch my eye. Areas that need improvement. I try not to be too critical in that first read through. I just catch things. And I know at this point that I have a story I like and details that work for me. Some places need to be overhauled and some things just need to be written deeper. That's all fixable. The reason I try not to be too critical in that first read is that I don't want to be overly harsh with something that is fragile and new. I don't need to be so hard on myself yet.
That comes later.
But I should be giving myself more of a break. My boyfriend is always telling me to relax and it's hard for me to do that completely. I have a standard I have set for myself and I feel that if I don't uphold that standard, then it's hard for me. I'm trying to be nicer and kinder and more patient with myself. But I have to be patient with myself about being patient with myself. It's a lifetime of behavior I'm trying to undo.
But it's essential.
If I don't understand and appreciate the progress I made,
then I can't build upon it.
I am always starting off at Square One because I don't
think I've gotten anywhere.
If I understand that I have been working hard
for a long time
and I'm making progress based on the work
I've done before,
then I progress along the continuum instead of having
the feeling that I am not getting anywhere.
That is a great reason to appreciate one's talents and abilities.
That's the break I need today.
I am grateful for constant evolution.
I am grateful that I appreciate the choices I have made.
I am grateful for the understanding that I have never made a mistake in my life.
I am grateful for breaks.
I just finished a draft of a pilot in a remarkably short amount of time. At least for me. Maybe I should stop saying that because writers who are getting paid tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars to write a pilot script have to keep their pace up. Okay, so they have the advantage of large payments that are doled out into various stages: story, outline, draft, rewrites. So when they finish something, they get paid. I have my own motivation: get something done.
I am learning the pace that I will need when the paychecks start flooding in. It feels like I am in training for a very long race. But the fact remains that I have finished and I deserve a break today.
How have I been rewarding myself? I have been watching a lot of documentaries on HBO Go. It's my thing and I really love it. I love reading about things and reflecting. That is really how I am rewarding myself.
Tomorrow, I will go back to the work. But today I will fill my brain with new information. I have burned off a lot of calories and now I need calorie intake.
To be honest, I have started reading the script and just looking for things that catch my eye. Areas that need improvement. I try not to be too critical in that first read through. I just catch things. And I know at this point that I have a story I like and details that work for me. Some places need to be overhauled and some things just need to be written deeper. That's all fixable. The reason I try not to be too critical in that first read is that I don't want to be overly harsh with something that is fragile and new. I don't need to be so hard on myself yet.
That comes later.
But I should be giving myself more of a break. My boyfriend is always telling me to relax and it's hard for me to do that completely. I have a standard I have set for myself and I feel that if I don't uphold that standard, then it's hard for me. I'm trying to be nicer and kinder and more patient with myself. But I have to be patient with myself about being patient with myself. It's a lifetime of behavior I'm trying to undo.
But it's essential.
If I don't understand and appreciate the progress I made,
then I can't build upon it.
I am always starting off at Square One because I don't
think I've gotten anywhere.
If I understand that I have been working hard
for a long time
and I'm making progress based on the work
I've done before,
then I progress along the continuum instead of having
the feeling that I am not getting anywhere.
That is a great reason to appreciate one's talents and abilities.
That's the break I need today.
I am grateful for constant evolution.
I am grateful that I appreciate the choices I have made.
I am grateful for the understanding that I have never made a mistake in my life.
I am grateful for breaks.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Contests
The CBS, Warner Bros, ABC and NBC writing fellowship deadlines are approaching. This is a time that is met with much anxiety for writers trying to break into the TV business. The statistics are that 1000-1500 people apply for each of these fellowships. Staggering. And I have friends who look at those numbers and say "Why apply? Those odds are horrible." True. And I used to look at those numbers and think that my chances were shitty. They are. That is completely true.
So why apply?
Out of the 1000-1500 people who apply to all of those fellowships, most of those are quadruple-dipping, especially if they are writers of color. Officially, the Warner Bros, ABC and NBC are not diversity fellowships. The CBS workshop is however. So the pool is about the same.
Let's do the numbers. They each take about 8 writers a piece, give or take a couple. So let's say 35 slots are available. Okay, that's .035 at the most. All right, those are tough odds. But it's not .008, which would be the number if each of those pools were completely separate.
If I was just looking at the numbers, I would be freaking myself the fuck out right now. So, let's look at another factor: another script complete to add to the portfolio. That's an upside. The downside is that a spec script is no longer the industry standard. The industry standard is an original pilot. Plays are also acceptable by some show runners. Given that a lot of shows are staffing with playwrights, those plays are valuable. But at some point you do need an original pilot (or two or four or six). So you're only really writing a spec script for one of these programs, and at the very best a third or fourth sample that your reps can send out. Or a lead sample on the off chance you're meeting an exec or a show runner who still judges material based on a spec, which is just proof that you can write in the format.
But if you're applying to all three (or all four if you're a writer of color), then you write one script for everything. That's good, right? Well, if you're applying every year, you can't reuse the material, so you're writing a new spec every year. Okay, that can be tough if you're writing material just for these programs instead of working on your original pilot or play.
This year, I'm deciding to look at neither one of those criteria. Numbers schmumbers. I got into a prestigious high school as a kid from a working class background. I got into a competitive college. And I got accepted one of the top three MFA programs in the country with a full scholarship. I can beat the odds.
And would I rather write something in my own voice or a spec of a show that only serves me for four opportunities a year. Of course, I'd rather work on something in my own voice because that sample can be used forever (in Hollywood terms, probably three or four years, depending on exec and show runner turnover).
But here's the bigger point. I'm writing something new. I have the chance to sharpen my skills and to study how a show works and what shows up on the page and then I have the opportunity to write something that fits into the world of that show in the voices of the characters at the pace at which that particular show tells its stories and with stories that fit.
You know where else I'd be using that skill? In a writer's room. The job of anyone who is not a show creator and show runner is to write for characters that someone else has created in an extremely unfair short amount of time. I don't mind exercising that skill.
But I understand the argument. I get the feeling that it's a waste of time. And I'm not going to get even more Pollyanna on your asses by saying that nothing is a waste of time as long as you're writing. We all have lines in the sand we have to draw to determine our worth and some writers don't feel that their worth is in a writing contest.
And I've been there. But here is where I am looking at this opportunity from:
These writing fellowships are about a goal. The goal is to get staffed on a TV show. That's why they're set up. If you don't get staffed on a show as a result of being accepted and successfully completing these programs, then someone has failed.
But that someone does not have to be the writer. And "losing" has higher stakes than we realize. We place our worth and our value in whether or not someone says, "You're in" or "You're out." It's like Project Runway, Top Chef, American Idol, The Voice, America's Next Top Model, The Next Great Artist or any of these competition reality shows. In fact, the increase in these programs speaks to a shift in our culture to contests. Yet great people have established great and long lasting careers from these contests. But I don't think it's because they thought their worth hinged on a "yes" or a "no." It was just a game to play, a way to exercise those muscles.
But these contests don't tell you whether you're a great artist or even a good writer. Well, that is, they shouldn't. They just tell you that you've won or lost a contest. And the purpose of the contest was to get you the job that they promised they'd get you.
It's like the SAT. The SAT doesn't tell you how smart you are, it just tells you that you scored highly on a test. And there's a whole industry around learning how to take the test. The SAT prep courses aren't there to make you a smarter person, just a better test taker.
If you focus on being a smarter person or a better writer, then a contest is just a contest.
This way of thinking goes hand in hand with an article I read at the end of last year about being systems-focused versus being goal-focused. In a nutshell, a goal can be a motivator for achievement. But if you just focus on that goal, then whether or not you achieved that goal only matters. But if you set up a system in how to achieve that goal and then you forget about the goal and concentrate on the system, then you'll always feel accomplished.
For example, if my goal is to write a script in two months, I know I have to write every day in order to make that happen. At the end of the two months, I might finish the script. I might not. I might write more than just that script. If I focus on my daily practice, then I can even exceed that goal. But if I just focus on the goal, then I'm going to feel like a failure every day if I'm not focused on what I need to do.
Back to the contests: They are there to get my a job. So I have to figure out the best way to get that job. I need to pick a show. Study that show. Take notes. Know it inside and out. Then I need to figure out some great stories to tell based on those characters. It's a structure, discipline and skill exercise. It's not a creative endeavor. That does not mean that good writing won't come out of it. It doesn't mean that I have to have the process because I'm not being creative. It's just me proving to myself that I can be disciplined and TV writing is all about discipline. It's also about learning, listening, observing, pitching ideas that are relevant to the show and writing a lot in a short amount of time. And that's why I am applying to these contests.
When I'm writing my own stuff, I get distracted by my voice. I get persuaded by what I'm writing about because I love it. I care about it. I am tied to it. It means something to me. And all of that is essential in being a creative person.
But what if you could feel that urgency and write fast? What if you could know the structural tricks? What if you had that technique? Then wouldn't it be a faster, more productive endeavor when you were writing your own stuff? Possibly.
I want to be fast and I want to be good. The most important skill as you're starting out and not working on your own stuff is to be fast and prolific with the highest quality possible. You can be fast and not be good. But you can't be good and not fast in that sort of pressure situation. And in order to be as successful as we all want to be, you have to be both. Consistently. Day after day. Year after year. And you can't be a sour puss.
So applying to all of these contests with a spec script of a show already on the air is a great way to exercise all of those skills.
Be fast.
Be good.
Be happy to do it.
That's the key to achieve that particular goal. Parlaying that into longevity and being a show creator and show generator is something else entirely. I feel like I have been training for the latter and not the former. So I get the former down and once that gets me through the door, I will burst through it and forward in a blaze of glory with no problem.
How do I know this? Because I have seen brilliant, smart, weird writers become staff writing workhorses. They figured out the difference between the two and how to keep one skill set from speaking to the other. They don't look for proof of their worth in their pursuit for that particular job. And they don't let that job steal their voice. Because that is the true moneymaker in the long run.
I am grateful for conversations in parking garages.
I am grateful to have finally learned this lesson.
I am grateful for an idea for my spec script.
I am grateful for the insight and experience it has taken to get me to this point where I see the difference between getting the job and generating my own creativity.
I am grateful to be able to put these thoughts into words.
So why apply?
Out of the 1000-1500 people who apply to all of those fellowships, most of those are quadruple-dipping, especially if they are writers of color. Officially, the Warner Bros, ABC and NBC are not diversity fellowships. The CBS workshop is however. So the pool is about the same.
Let's do the numbers. They each take about 8 writers a piece, give or take a couple. So let's say 35 slots are available. Okay, that's .035 at the most. All right, those are tough odds. But it's not .008, which would be the number if each of those pools were completely separate.
If I was just looking at the numbers, I would be freaking myself the fuck out right now. So, let's look at another factor: another script complete to add to the portfolio. That's an upside. The downside is that a spec script is no longer the industry standard. The industry standard is an original pilot. Plays are also acceptable by some show runners. Given that a lot of shows are staffing with playwrights, those plays are valuable. But at some point you do need an original pilot (or two or four or six). So you're only really writing a spec script for one of these programs, and at the very best a third or fourth sample that your reps can send out. Or a lead sample on the off chance you're meeting an exec or a show runner who still judges material based on a spec, which is just proof that you can write in the format.
But if you're applying to all three (or all four if you're a writer of color), then you write one script for everything. That's good, right? Well, if you're applying every year, you can't reuse the material, so you're writing a new spec every year. Okay, that can be tough if you're writing material just for these programs instead of working on your original pilot or play.
This year, I'm deciding to look at neither one of those criteria. Numbers schmumbers. I got into a prestigious high school as a kid from a working class background. I got into a competitive college. And I got accepted one of the top three MFA programs in the country with a full scholarship. I can beat the odds.
And would I rather write something in my own voice or a spec of a show that only serves me for four opportunities a year. Of course, I'd rather work on something in my own voice because that sample can be used forever (in Hollywood terms, probably three or four years, depending on exec and show runner turnover).
But here's the bigger point. I'm writing something new. I have the chance to sharpen my skills and to study how a show works and what shows up on the page and then I have the opportunity to write something that fits into the world of that show in the voices of the characters at the pace at which that particular show tells its stories and with stories that fit.
You know where else I'd be using that skill? In a writer's room. The job of anyone who is not a show creator and show runner is to write for characters that someone else has created in an extremely unfair short amount of time. I don't mind exercising that skill.
But I understand the argument. I get the feeling that it's a waste of time. And I'm not going to get even more Pollyanna on your asses by saying that nothing is a waste of time as long as you're writing. We all have lines in the sand we have to draw to determine our worth and some writers don't feel that their worth is in a writing contest.
And I've been there. But here is where I am looking at this opportunity from:
These writing fellowships are about a goal. The goal is to get staffed on a TV show. That's why they're set up. If you don't get staffed on a show as a result of being accepted and successfully completing these programs, then someone has failed.
But that someone does not have to be the writer. And "losing" has higher stakes than we realize. We place our worth and our value in whether or not someone says, "You're in" or "You're out." It's like Project Runway, Top Chef, American Idol, The Voice, America's Next Top Model, The Next Great Artist or any of these competition reality shows. In fact, the increase in these programs speaks to a shift in our culture to contests. Yet great people have established great and long lasting careers from these contests. But I don't think it's because they thought their worth hinged on a "yes" or a "no." It was just a game to play, a way to exercise those muscles.
But these contests don't tell you whether you're a great artist or even a good writer. Well, that is, they shouldn't. They just tell you that you've won or lost a contest. And the purpose of the contest was to get you the job that they promised they'd get you.
It's like the SAT. The SAT doesn't tell you how smart you are, it just tells you that you scored highly on a test. And there's a whole industry around learning how to take the test. The SAT prep courses aren't there to make you a smarter person, just a better test taker.
If you focus on being a smarter person or a better writer, then a contest is just a contest.
This way of thinking goes hand in hand with an article I read at the end of last year about being systems-focused versus being goal-focused. In a nutshell, a goal can be a motivator for achievement. But if you just focus on that goal, then whether or not you achieved that goal only matters. But if you set up a system in how to achieve that goal and then you forget about the goal and concentrate on the system, then you'll always feel accomplished.
For example, if my goal is to write a script in two months, I know I have to write every day in order to make that happen. At the end of the two months, I might finish the script. I might not. I might write more than just that script. If I focus on my daily practice, then I can even exceed that goal. But if I just focus on the goal, then I'm going to feel like a failure every day if I'm not focused on what I need to do.
Back to the contests: They are there to get my a job. So I have to figure out the best way to get that job. I need to pick a show. Study that show. Take notes. Know it inside and out. Then I need to figure out some great stories to tell based on those characters. It's a structure, discipline and skill exercise. It's not a creative endeavor. That does not mean that good writing won't come out of it. It doesn't mean that I have to have the process because I'm not being creative. It's just me proving to myself that I can be disciplined and TV writing is all about discipline. It's also about learning, listening, observing, pitching ideas that are relevant to the show and writing a lot in a short amount of time. And that's why I am applying to these contests.
When I'm writing my own stuff, I get distracted by my voice. I get persuaded by what I'm writing about because I love it. I care about it. I am tied to it. It means something to me. And all of that is essential in being a creative person.
But what if you could feel that urgency and write fast? What if you could know the structural tricks? What if you had that technique? Then wouldn't it be a faster, more productive endeavor when you were writing your own stuff? Possibly.
I want to be fast and I want to be good. The most important skill as you're starting out and not working on your own stuff is to be fast and prolific with the highest quality possible. You can be fast and not be good. But you can't be good and not fast in that sort of pressure situation. And in order to be as successful as we all want to be, you have to be both. Consistently. Day after day. Year after year. And you can't be a sour puss.
So applying to all of these contests with a spec script of a show already on the air is a great way to exercise all of those skills.
Be fast.
Be good.
Be happy to do it.
That's the key to achieve that particular goal. Parlaying that into longevity and being a show creator and show generator is something else entirely. I feel like I have been training for the latter and not the former. So I get the former down and once that gets me through the door, I will burst through it and forward in a blaze of glory with no problem.
How do I know this? Because I have seen brilliant, smart, weird writers become staff writing workhorses. They figured out the difference between the two and how to keep one skill set from speaking to the other. They don't look for proof of their worth in their pursuit for that particular job. And they don't let that job steal their voice. Because that is the true moneymaker in the long run.
I am grateful for conversations in parking garages.
I am grateful to have finally learned this lesson.
I am grateful for an idea for my spec script.
I am grateful for the insight and experience it has taken to get me to this point where I see the difference between getting the job and generating my own creativity.
I am grateful to be able to put these thoughts into words.
A Moment of Reflection on a Job Well Done
I finished another script last night. So as of March 20th, I've written two first drafts: one play and one pilot.
I celebrate that.
I have work to do and since I am giving myself the entire month of March to work on this pilot, I have more I want to do in the next 11 days.
Goal: Finish another draft of the script.
System: Write every day between March 20-31.
I think it's important to celebrate the victories--small or large, as long as I celebrate each one. I thought I was going to spend the month of March on a comedy pilot I had been thinking about for a while. I had the characters laid out. I had a title. I even had ideas for future episodes. But I had no idea what the pilot script would be. I didn't know how I was going to introduce these people.
Then I did some more thinking and I thought that maybe I should work on a script that makes sense with what I already have. My plays tend to me more dramatic, even though they have comedy in them. I'm the funny guy who writes drama. All of my scripts have comedy in them--human moments that are seasoned with humor. And I had this idea for a one hour pilot since the summer. It was in the same world of another pilot I wrote three years ago that never really went anywhere. But I loved the world and I knew that if I could find a story and characters that worked in this world, I could have a lot of fun writing it and it would be interesting. I've been dying to write a Dynasty or Dallas. And I think this world is a great world, but the approach I took was not great. I wanted to write a straight up soap and I was getting in my own way because I wanted to create a fabricated hook.
So I just started thinking about this idea. If it has stuck with me for the past three years, there's something there. And like I said, I attempted this pilot. I wrote six drafts of a version of this story three years ago in about a three month period. When I like something, I'm fast. But I don't think I was playing to my strengths. Also, a lot of things have happened in three years. Soaps are back. Yes, now they're known as serialized dramas, but House of Cards, Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, Revenge…those are all soaps. But I wanted to write a soap where the characters are having a great time in their world, whether that's as a hero or a villain. But especially the villains.
The more I thought about it, the more things came to me. So I wrote this story bible in a few days and I got ready to write the pilot. I figured out a hook for my main character, which felt organic and interesting. This felt like a character that we haven't necessarily seen before for a bunch of reasons. So I wrote the pilot in a week, taking the weekend off to watch a bunch of documentaries about my subject. And I'm reading one particular text that's helping me out as well. Just to get the way these characters talk about the world they're inhabiting.
As I look at the next 11 days and I think about what I want to tweak in the pilot, I think about the basic things I always think about when it comes to my writing:
I celebrate that.
I have work to do and since I am giving myself the entire month of March to work on this pilot, I have more I want to do in the next 11 days.
Goal: Finish another draft of the script.
System: Write every day between March 20-31.
I think it's important to celebrate the victories--small or large, as long as I celebrate each one. I thought I was going to spend the month of March on a comedy pilot I had been thinking about for a while. I had the characters laid out. I had a title. I even had ideas for future episodes. But I had no idea what the pilot script would be. I didn't know how I was going to introduce these people.
Then I did some more thinking and I thought that maybe I should work on a script that makes sense with what I already have. My plays tend to me more dramatic, even though they have comedy in them. I'm the funny guy who writes drama. All of my scripts have comedy in them--human moments that are seasoned with humor. And I had this idea for a one hour pilot since the summer. It was in the same world of another pilot I wrote three years ago that never really went anywhere. But I loved the world and I knew that if I could find a story and characters that worked in this world, I could have a lot of fun writing it and it would be interesting. I've been dying to write a Dynasty or Dallas. And I think this world is a great world, but the approach I took was not great. I wanted to write a straight up soap and I was getting in my own way because I wanted to create a fabricated hook.
So I just started thinking about this idea. If it has stuck with me for the past three years, there's something there. And like I said, I attempted this pilot. I wrote six drafts of a version of this story three years ago in about a three month period. When I like something, I'm fast. But I don't think I was playing to my strengths. Also, a lot of things have happened in three years. Soaps are back. Yes, now they're known as serialized dramas, but House of Cards, Scandal, Grey's Anatomy, Revenge…those are all soaps. But I wanted to write a soap where the characters are having a great time in their world, whether that's as a hero or a villain. But especially the villains.
The more I thought about it, the more things came to me. So I wrote this story bible in a few days and I got ready to write the pilot. I figured out a hook for my main character, which felt organic and interesting. This felt like a character that we haven't necessarily seen before for a bunch of reasons. So I wrote the pilot in a week, taking the weekend off to watch a bunch of documentaries about my subject. And I'm reading one particular text that's helping me out as well. Just to get the way these characters talk about the world they're inhabiting.
As I look at the next 11 days and I think about what I want to tweak in the pilot, I think about the basic things I always think about when it comes to my writing:
- Am I cramming too much story in? I attempted to solve this problem by writing the series bible. If I had story ideas, I knew that I could save them for later. It helped me pace out the story for the pilot. And I had a real advantage this time, I set up exactly what my show's about in the first scene. And I knew who this lead guy was.
- Do I have a clear villain? Who's the antagonist here? Since I have such a clear protagonist, I need that nemesis. And this is where it gets to be fun. There are actually a few people, and a few different hero/villian combinations. But there's one female character in particular that I want to set up as a person who is an ally but could very easily turn.
- Are all of my wants clear? I tend to think that they are clearer than they've been in the past because this pilot was so quick to come together.
- Do all of my stories track? I have A-E stories in this pilot. I have a lot to juggle, but I want to make sure I've set everything up correctly and that there are actual stories happening in the pilot, not just things that happen and not just one big, huge, enormous A storyline.
- Characters - Are they distinct? You know, I actually think these characters are the clearest characters I've written. And again, it goes back to the "What do they want?" question. It really always goes back to that. If you give them something to act on or to suppress, then there's real action and there's real character because they have a reason for doing what they're doing.
- What can I punch up? I don't think it's just comedy scripts that can be punched up. In the case of comedy, you're adding jokes when you're punching up. With this script, I think it's more about heightening the drama. I want this script to be a big soap. There are great character moments and I want them in there because I think that adds depth to the script. But I want those big operatic soap moments as well. You have to have those. It's what makes it fun and "juicy." I love House of Cards, not just because it's a smart show but really because it's scandalous and juicy. That is what makes it fun to watch. I want to make sure that the fun factor is there in this script.
I am grateful that I worked on this script so quickly.
I am grateful to be accomplishing my goals.
I am grateful to have this forward momentum.
I am grateful for things to be inspired by.
I am grateful that this script is different than my other script.
I am grateful that this script goes well with my other play that I'm sending out.
I am grateful that a style is emerging.
I am grateful that the writer I am is starting to make sense and is starting to speak to people.
I am grateful that people will get to see the writer I am at this very moment and this writer is who I want to introduce them to.
I am grateful that these scripts that I have written recently will be the starting point.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Writing All the Time
I have always thought that a continual output of writing was an improbably, an impossible and an unrealistic expectation of one's time. I think it's hard to keep churning out material without new information coming in. It might not be that way for everyone: I have two friends who wrote a new pilot every month or two. And they got signed shortly after.
It's a goal-oriented thing. If you're invested in the achieving the goal, then you keep going and you achieve that goal. I am by nature a process oriented person. But I want goal results from a process. There's something faulty in that thinking. But there must be some middle ground, right?
Well, for quite a while now, I have been setting writing appointments with friends and showing up to get work done. It's a bit like office hours. I keep office hours at the West Hollywood library so that I am at a desk at least three days a week. Usually, I'm at a desk working between 4-6 days a week. Whether that's at home or at this library or the library near my Mom's house when I'm visiting her. It's my job and I need to treat it that way.
Creativity is the element at question here. Is it less creative to churn out material? Or, as explained in Seven Days in the Art World (a book I'm reading as research for the pilot I'm working on right now), is the productivity, the business of the work, the art itself? I think it's all in how you look at it.
I could look at things as an either/or proposition. I'm either creative or I'm prolific. Well, I've never subscribed to that theory. I have always been a fairly prolific writer. There are times where I have been less prolific because of work or other circumstances. But I've had periods where I've written three plays or three pilots in a row as well. And some of that has resulted in great work. Some of it was just to exercise the muscle.
I guess that's another factor. Maybe the problem isn't necessarily being goal-oriented, but being results-oriented. I can write three plays in a row, but those plays ended up going in a drawer. I haven't worked on them. I lost interest. But they were three plays that I wrote in quick succession. I guess I needed to clean the pipes. And I needed to prove to myself that I still had this prolific, productive writer inside of me.
The plays I've written since then have been more focused and more successful. I've had things to say. I've figured out my tone. They're just more successful. And that has led to this idea of doing a Seven Play Cycle based on the Seven Deadly Sins. So far I've written one play and I've finished a draft of the second play of which I'm having a reading of in May. I have another play, which I've been researching for the past nine months. I spent most of the summer doing heavy research on that.
I wrote three pilots two summers ago.
I don't know exactly how many scripts I write a year. It changes. But I do know that I write or work on writing every day. That might be reading something as research or watching something as research. That might be a conversation with a friend. That might be 20 pages of writing. That might be blogging. That might be keeping a journal for the next project I'm going to write. I try to have some sort of routine going that keeps me going.
But I realize that it's not just me at the typewriter for 8 hours straight 5 days a week. Sometimes it's not talking to my boyfriend so I stay in a certain state of mind. He doesn't always understand it. But it's a part of my process. I need a lot of alone time to do this.
My latest routine has been coming to the library at 11 when they open, but not really writing until 12:30. My brain and my body both have to wake up. I have to hit a certain rhythm. I can't explain that.
I guess ultimately that I am prolific. Maybe not 5 pilots in a row. I do like writing to be pleasurable. Not comfortable. Not pleasant. But pleasurable. Something needs to get me to the desk. Sometimes that's You Tube or last night's episode of Dancing with the Stars. Sometimes it's music. Sometimes it's that idea that I want to jot down. Sometimes I bring a book with me and have the computer open in case there's something I want to type.
It's got to be my time in the way that I like to get work done. It's imagining what kind of work day I would have if I owned my own creative business. And the truth is that I do. I'm not always getting paid for it, but I run my own business. I start my day at 11. I work until 2 some times. I work until 5 other days. I take a big break in the middle of the day. Sometimes I'm working until 2 AM, like I was last night. Sometimes I am watching three HBO documentaries in a row for research on a Saturday night, like I was this past weekend. But that's the work environment I like. I'm less pleasured when I'm structured to a certain amount of time and tied to one activity or one place. I actually like a 14 hour work day where I'm working here and there.
I am grateful for being able to work the way I want to.
I am grateful for good friendships to let me know that I'm not crazy.
I am grateful for silliness.
I am grateful for HBO Go and Netflix and the library.
I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful for 36 pages and 52 scenes in six days.
I am grateful for the moments of in-between.
I am grateful for "thinking about it."
I am grateful for distractions.
I am grateful for concentration.
It's a goal-oriented thing. If you're invested in the achieving the goal, then you keep going and you achieve that goal. I am by nature a process oriented person. But I want goal results from a process. There's something faulty in that thinking. But there must be some middle ground, right?
Well, for quite a while now, I have been setting writing appointments with friends and showing up to get work done. It's a bit like office hours. I keep office hours at the West Hollywood library so that I am at a desk at least three days a week. Usually, I'm at a desk working between 4-6 days a week. Whether that's at home or at this library or the library near my Mom's house when I'm visiting her. It's my job and I need to treat it that way.
Creativity is the element at question here. Is it less creative to churn out material? Or, as explained in Seven Days in the Art World (a book I'm reading as research for the pilot I'm working on right now), is the productivity, the business of the work, the art itself? I think it's all in how you look at it.
I could look at things as an either/or proposition. I'm either creative or I'm prolific. Well, I've never subscribed to that theory. I have always been a fairly prolific writer. There are times where I have been less prolific because of work or other circumstances. But I've had periods where I've written three plays or three pilots in a row as well. And some of that has resulted in great work. Some of it was just to exercise the muscle.
I guess that's another factor. Maybe the problem isn't necessarily being goal-oriented, but being results-oriented. I can write three plays in a row, but those plays ended up going in a drawer. I haven't worked on them. I lost interest. But they were three plays that I wrote in quick succession. I guess I needed to clean the pipes. And I needed to prove to myself that I still had this prolific, productive writer inside of me.
The plays I've written since then have been more focused and more successful. I've had things to say. I've figured out my tone. They're just more successful. And that has led to this idea of doing a Seven Play Cycle based on the Seven Deadly Sins. So far I've written one play and I've finished a draft of the second play of which I'm having a reading of in May. I have another play, which I've been researching for the past nine months. I spent most of the summer doing heavy research on that.
I wrote three pilots two summers ago.
I don't know exactly how many scripts I write a year. It changes. But I do know that I write or work on writing every day. That might be reading something as research or watching something as research. That might be a conversation with a friend. That might be 20 pages of writing. That might be blogging. That might be keeping a journal for the next project I'm going to write. I try to have some sort of routine going that keeps me going.
But I realize that it's not just me at the typewriter for 8 hours straight 5 days a week. Sometimes it's not talking to my boyfriend so I stay in a certain state of mind. He doesn't always understand it. But it's a part of my process. I need a lot of alone time to do this.
My latest routine has been coming to the library at 11 when they open, but not really writing until 12:30. My brain and my body both have to wake up. I have to hit a certain rhythm. I can't explain that.
I guess ultimately that I am prolific. Maybe not 5 pilots in a row. I do like writing to be pleasurable. Not comfortable. Not pleasant. But pleasurable. Something needs to get me to the desk. Sometimes that's You Tube or last night's episode of Dancing with the Stars. Sometimes it's music. Sometimes it's that idea that I want to jot down. Sometimes I bring a book with me and have the computer open in case there's something I want to type.
It's got to be my time in the way that I like to get work done. It's imagining what kind of work day I would have if I owned my own creative business. And the truth is that I do. I'm not always getting paid for it, but I run my own business. I start my day at 11. I work until 2 some times. I work until 5 other days. I take a big break in the middle of the day. Sometimes I'm working until 2 AM, like I was last night. Sometimes I am watching three HBO documentaries in a row for research on a Saturday night, like I was this past weekend. But that's the work environment I like. I'm less pleasured when I'm structured to a certain amount of time and tied to one activity or one place. I actually like a 14 hour work day where I'm working here and there.
I am grateful for being able to work the way I want to.
I am grateful for good friendships to let me know that I'm not crazy.
I am grateful for silliness.
I am grateful for HBO Go and Netflix and the library.
I am grateful for my iTunes library.
I am grateful for 36 pages and 52 scenes in six days.
I am grateful for the moments of in-between.
I am grateful for "thinking about it."
I am grateful for distractions.
I am grateful for concentration.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
My Writing History
Why do writers write?
Some of my friends are trying to get jobs on TV shows.
Some people I know try to solve puzzles, whether they're structural puzzles or the puzzles of their own memory and experience.
Some people see the world through the words they create.
Some people are voracious readers so they become writers.
Some people just love words.
I think the reason I write has changed over the years.
When I was 13 I started writing because I read comic books.
I had been reading comic books intensely since I was about 10.
And I read comic books intensely until I was 14.
My comic books of choice were all Marvel and they were:
The Fantastic Four
X-Men
I used to walk home from the liquor store on the corner on Wednesdays and come home with comic books. I was fascinated by the stories and the pictures.
The two DC titles I read a lot were of course:
Wonder Woman
The New Teen Titans
I responded to the female heroines the most.
I loved beauty, strength and mythology.
So I started writing because I loved the fantasy.
Then I got older and started writing because I had crushes on boys.
I loved the written word, but I loved stories that were universal.
When I was young, I would watch TV and I wanted to tell the actors what to do.
It's not that I wanted to direct per se, but I wanted to put words in their mouths.
I remember that very clearly.
Then I started writing seriously in college.
Fiction at first because I had a beautiful instructor named Alyce who
really understood what I was trying to do
without me having to fully explain myself.
Then I met Erik Ehn and my life took on a whole new meaning.
I found my life path.
I wrote poems and plays simultaneously.
My plays were about finding words that caught up to
my feelings and the heavy things I wanted to
express. But it would be years before that happened.
So I wrote poems that were all about music
and sound dynamics.
I wish I could find those poems.
They were a perfect first marriage
of sound and theme and rhythm.
Really beautiful,
naive but sophisticated stuff.
Gorgeous stuff that deserved
to be heard more, but it's okay.
Maybe I'll find them one day.
Then I stopped writing.
Then I started writing again
and went to graduate school.
I wrote a play that saved my life about
the street kids I worked with
in Portland.
And all the writing I did in graduate school confused me
because all of a sudden it became about
an expectation.
I am going to be a writer.
I am going to be a famous writer
because I go to a famous school.
I'm still recovering from that.
But my writing was confused
then, the most confused my writing
had ever been and will hopefully ever be.
My heart started to disappear from it
because someone told me I should write
for TV.
And so I moved to LA.
The advice was great advice, by the way,
and he was right.
But just like my childhood, there are horrible things
that happened to me that
contributed to me being a better person.
And graduate school was like that.
There were confusing messages
that really fucked me up for several years
and now on the other side of it,
I know I'm the better for it.
I started writing plays again after I moved back
to LA.
I wrote a satire about race that no one liked.
I wrote a play about my grandmother that a lot of people liked,
but it still remains unproduced.
Then I wrote a bunch of TV specs.
My heart was not in any of them.
I kept writing,
but nothing was coming out.
I wrote plenty of scripts,
complete.
But nothing was coming out,
if you know what I mean.
Then I wrote a play called The Snake Charmer.
It was structurally something I hadn't done before.
It was complicated.
I think it's still a play that not a lot of people understand.
It's not told in a traditional way.
But it's constructed beautifully.
Then I wrote a play about open marriages.
Over the past two years.
And something happened in the writing
and rewriting
and rewriting
and rewriting
of that play.
I found a style.
I found that I wrote plays that reflect my ideas about the world.
But that's not enough.
Then I wrote plays that were provocative.
Then I found an interesting style for that play.
Everything had to be married:
style
structure
substance
And now that's what I identify as the hallmarks of my work:
style
structure
substance
The plays have a rhythm and a musicality that's particular.
The structure reflects that.
I write plays in different ways each time
and that's integral to how I write.
Then the plays has to be about something that's of a concern.
I'm writing a new play now that's about a priest
and it takes place
backwards.
I had a reading of it a couple of weeks ago.
It's bloated.
It's got a lot of ideas.
I wrote it in 30 days.
I had been thinking about it for a lot longer.
Now I'm working on a new pilot
that's about fathers and sons.
It takes place in the art world.
But it's achingly about fathers and sons.
Why do I write?
I write because it's the only way for me to get these ideas off of me.
I write because I like the challenge
I write because I want to tell stories on the stage that are full, with big chairs, fluffy pillows, a lot of tchotchkes.
I write because I want to write minimalist stories for TV.
Maybe I meant that in reverse.
I write because I have to.
I write because I have a reason to, that doesn't involve just trying to get a job.
I write to remind myself that I am human.
I write to show off.
I write because now I know how to, at least more than I did a year ago, five years ago, twenty years ago.
I am grateful for the words.
I am grateful for the continued lessons that keep getting handed to me that remind me that I am a changed person than I was three years ago and that I should keep going.
I am grateful because I know that writing matters.
I am grateful for tea and sleep and libraries.
I am grateful that I know exactly what I need to survive.
I am grateful for today.
Some of my friends are trying to get jobs on TV shows.
Some people I know try to solve puzzles, whether they're structural puzzles or the puzzles of their own memory and experience.
Some people see the world through the words they create.
Some people are voracious readers so they become writers.
Some people just love words.
I think the reason I write has changed over the years.
When I was 13 I started writing because I read comic books.
I had been reading comic books intensely since I was about 10.
And I read comic books intensely until I was 14.
My comic books of choice were all Marvel and they were:
The Fantastic Four
X-Men
I used to walk home from the liquor store on the corner on Wednesdays and come home with comic books. I was fascinated by the stories and the pictures.
The two DC titles I read a lot were of course:
Wonder Woman
The New Teen Titans
I responded to the female heroines the most.
I loved beauty, strength and mythology.
So I started writing because I loved the fantasy.
Then I got older and started writing because I had crushes on boys.
I loved the written word, but I loved stories that were universal.
When I was young, I would watch TV and I wanted to tell the actors what to do.
It's not that I wanted to direct per se, but I wanted to put words in their mouths.
I remember that very clearly.
Then I started writing seriously in college.
Fiction at first because I had a beautiful instructor named Alyce who
really understood what I was trying to do
without me having to fully explain myself.
Then I met Erik Ehn and my life took on a whole new meaning.
I found my life path.
I wrote poems and plays simultaneously.
My plays were about finding words that caught up to
my feelings and the heavy things I wanted to
express. But it would be years before that happened.
So I wrote poems that were all about music
and sound dynamics.
I wish I could find those poems.
They were a perfect first marriage
of sound and theme and rhythm.
Really beautiful,
naive but sophisticated stuff.
Gorgeous stuff that deserved
to be heard more, but it's okay.
Maybe I'll find them one day.
Then I stopped writing.
Then I started writing again
and went to graduate school.
I wrote a play that saved my life about
the street kids I worked with
in Portland.
And all the writing I did in graduate school confused me
because all of a sudden it became about
an expectation.
I am going to be a writer.
I am going to be a famous writer
because I go to a famous school.
I'm still recovering from that.
But my writing was confused
then, the most confused my writing
had ever been and will hopefully ever be.
My heart started to disappear from it
because someone told me I should write
for TV.
And so I moved to LA.
The advice was great advice, by the way,
and he was right.
But just like my childhood, there are horrible things
that happened to me that
contributed to me being a better person.
And graduate school was like that.
There were confusing messages
that really fucked me up for several years
and now on the other side of it,
I know I'm the better for it.
I started writing plays again after I moved back
to LA.
I wrote a satire about race that no one liked.
I wrote a play about my grandmother that a lot of people liked,
but it still remains unproduced.
Then I wrote a bunch of TV specs.
My heart was not in any of them.
I kept writing,
but nothing was coming out.
I wrote plenty of scripts,
complete.
But nothing was coming out,
if you know what I mean.
Then I wrote a play called The Snake Charmer.
It was structurally something I hadn't done before.
It was complicated.
I think it's still a play that not a lot of people understand.
It's not told in a traditional way.
But it's constructed beautifully.
Then I wrote a play about open marriages.
Over the past two years.
And something happened in the writing
and rewriting
and rewriting
and rewriting
of that play.
I found a style.
I found that I wrote plays that reflect my ideas about the world.
But that's not enough.
Then I wrote plays that were provocative.
Then I found an interesting style for that play.
Everything had to be married:
style
structure
substance
And now that's what I identify as the hallmarks of my work:
style
structure
substance
The plays have a rhythm and a musicality that's particular.
The structure reflects that.
I write plays in different ways each time
and that's integral to how I write.
Then the plays has to be about something that's of a concern.
I'm writing a new play now that's about a priest
and it takes place
backwards.
I had a reading of it a couple of weeks ago.
It's bloated.
It's got a lot of ideas.
I wrote it in 30 days.
I had been thinking about it for a lot longer.
Now I'm working on a new pilot
that's about fathers and sons.
It takes place in the art world.
But it's achingly about fathers and sons.
Why do I write?
I write because it's the only way for me to get these ideas off of me.
I write because I like the challenge
I write because I want to tell stories on the stage that are full, with big chairs, fluffy pillows, a lot of tchotchkes.
I write because I want to write minimalist stories for TV.
Maybe I meant that in reverse.
I write because I have to.
I write because I have a reason to, that doesn't involve just trying to get a job.
I write to remind myself that I am human.
I write to show off.
I write because now I know how to, at least more than I did a year ago, five years ago, twenty years ago.
I am grateful for the words.
I am grateful for the continued lessons that keep getting handed to me that remind me that I am a changed person than I was three years ago and that I should keep going.
I am grateful because I know that writing matters.
I am grateful for tea and sleep and libraries.
I am grateful that I know exactly what I need to survive.
I am grateful for today.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Letting It Happen
I finished a new draft of a play in a month last Friday.
Now I'm outlining a new pilot.
This is a pilot I have been thinking about writing for a while. I had been thinking about writing a new comedy pilot and I even came up with the characters, but I couldn't figure out the pilot story although I had plenty of ideas for future episodes.
Then I thought about the fact I am going to start writing a spec of House of Cards for the upcoming TV writing fellowships for the studios. And it makes sense that I have a pilot that matches that and a play of mine which has been traveling well. Plus, the shows I'm watching that I would like to write on are all one hour dramas. So even though I think this is a good idea, the comedy pilot, and I think I'm funny…I think my time would be better spent working on a one hour drama pilot.
So I sat down over the weekend to look at this idea I have. I knew I had a good world for the play and a world I had been wanting to write in for a long time. I just started writing down ideas for types of characters. Who would inhabit this world? For a long time, the head of the family was a central figure to the story, but he was in his 60s. And I didn't know if I wanted to write another guy in his 60s who's the head of a family. I wrote another pilot that had a guy in his 60s and the pilot was really about his kids. As I kept writing down ideas, it became clear that this guy is the protagonist of the story. And instead of being 60 and bonding with his teenage grandson, he could be in his 50s and bond with his son who's in his 20s. He's a billionaire.
I had an idea about him being a bit like Jerry Weintraub, so I watched Jerry's documentary again on HBO Go. Then an idea popped into my head of how the pilot opens and about a choice that this guy makes.
I immediately thought: This is what the show is about. I have it in that very first scene right from the top. That never happens.
And after that, everything seemed to follow.
I had an idea for the pilot story.
I knew what would happen in the middle.
I knew how the pilot ended.
I had ideas that I knew I had to save for the second episode.
Then the first seven episode stories started to come together.
Again…that never happens.
I just started writing things down in a document, not worrying about whether or not I'm going to use it. Not worrying about formatting. But knowing that I needed to create a document just for myself to write down ideas as they started coming. I started to just meditate and let the ideas come through.
I had been away from home for three days, so I had a ton of TV to catch up on, including Bethenny Frankel's talk show. And I saw her do an interview with Russell Simmons. He started talking about meditating and more things clicked.
I didn't censor the ideas. I just let them happen.
I knew that this guy would be Latino and that LA would figure heavily into the show. Other things started becoming clear, his relationship with his family. It just started coming out and now I'm on the eighth hour of a writing session, just coming in and out and writing things. I'm at my favorite Korean Spa in LA, so I could grab lunch, write a little, nap, go into the steam room and take my computer out as necessary. It really is a nice way to work.
I'm taking a "break" to blog and to look at some other materials. But I'm going to go back to the work soon, maybe eat a little dinner, and see how much more I can get done. I'm not going to force anything. I'm just going to move on to the next thing if something isn't working.
Letting it happen.
I am grateful for my time at the Korean Spa.
I am grateful that my friend Andrea joined me for a little bit.
I am grateful that the words and ideas and connections keep happening.
I am grateful that I am listening to my instinct.
I am grateful to be inspired.
Now I'm outlining a new pilot.
This is a pilot I have been thinking about writing for a while. I had been thinking about writing a new comedy pilot and I even came up with the characters, but I couldn't figure out the pilot story although I had plenty of ideas for future episodes.
Then I thought about the fact I am going to start writing a spec of House of Cards for the upcoming TV writing fellowships for the studios. And it makes sense that I have a pilot that matches that and a play of mine which has been traveling well. Plus, the shows I'm watching that I would like to write on are all one hour dramas. So even though I think this is a good idea, the comedy pilot, and I think I'm funny…I think my time would be better spent working on a one hour drama pilot.
So I sat down over the weekend to look at this idea I have. I knew I had a good world for the play and a world I had been wanting to write in for a long time. I just started writing down ideas for types of characters. Who would inhabit this world? For a long time, the head of the family was a central figure to the story, but he was in his 60s. And I didn't know if I wanted to write another guy in his 60s who's the head of a family. I wrote another pilot that had a guy in his 60s and the pilot was really about his kids. As I kept writing down ideas, it became clear that this guy is the protagonist of the story. And instead of being 60 and bonding with his teenage grandson, he could be in his 50s and bond with his son who's in his 20s. He's a billionaire.
I had an idea about him being a bit like Jerry Weintraub, so I watched Jerry's documentary again on HBO Go. Then an idea popped into my head of how the pilot opens and about a choice that this guy makes.
I immediately thought: This is what the show is about. I have it in that very first scene right from the top. That never happens.
And after that, everything seemed to follow.
I had an idea for the pilot story.
I knew what would happen in the middle.
I knew how the pilot ended.
I had ideas that I knew I had to save for the second episode.
Then the first seven episode stories started to come together.
Again…that never happens.
I just started writing things down in a document, not worrying about whether or not I'm going to use it. Not worrying about formatting. But knowing that I needed to create a document just for myself to write down ideas as they started coming. I started to just meditate and let the ideas come through.
I had been away from home for three days, so I had a ton of TV to catch up on, including Bethenny Frankel's talk show. And I saw her do an interview with Russell Simmons. He started talking about meditating and more things clicked.
I didn't censor the ideas. I just let them happen.
I knew that this guy would be Latino and that LA would figure heavily into the show. Other things started becoming clear, his relationship with his family. It just started coming out and now I'm on the eighth hour of a writing session, just coming in and out and writing things. I'm at my favorite Korean Spa in LA, so I could grab lunch, write a little, nap, go into the steam room and take my computer out as necessary. It really is a nice way to work.
I'm taking a "break" to blog and to look at some other materials. But I'm going to go back to the work soon, maybe eat a little dinner, and see how much more I can get done. I'm not going to force anything. I'm just going to move on to the next thing if something isn't working.
Letting it happen.
I am grateful for my time at the Korean Spa.
I am grateful that my friend Andrea joined me for a little bit.
I am grateful that the words and ideas and connections keep happening.
I am grateful that I am listening to my instinct.
I am grateful to be inspired.
Three Days in Santa Barbara
I was in Santa Barbara last week working on a sizzle reel for a pilot about a certain reality TV star who goes around to different cities in search of new and unusual pet friendly destinations. A friend of mine asked me if I would be interested in coming along and helping out "to do whatever." I was a little worried that I would just be a general catch-all to do a bunch of grunt work. I'm well past my expiration date as a PA, but I also thought it would be good to get out of town and spend some good time in the car with my friend as we drove back and forth between LA and Santa Barbara every morning and night.
It ended up being a great experience. A lot of fun. And everyone on the production pitched in to do EVERYTHING, so I was happy about that. It just takes me back to a piece of advice that my friend Caitlin gave me years ago about saying YES to things. I'm not working right now, so I could just take off during the week and have an adventure. Santa Barbara was gorgeous, especially on the last day of the shoot. We had a lot of down time and a lot of time to just hang out and get to know each other.
I had no expectations that this would lead to a job or that I would make any sort of connections. I just went to go. And that was fine. I didn't think I was wasting any time. I had just spent the past month working on a new play. It was good to have a change of pace. And it was a good break.
That's all it needed to be: a break in the routine.
And now on to this week…
I am grateful that I got to be on the beach during the week.
I am grateful for beautiful weather.
I am grateful for pitstops at Soupplantation TWICE last week.
I am grateful for more clarity.
I am grateful for a totally supportive boyfriend.
It ended up being a great experience. A lot of fun. And everyone on the production pitched in to do EVERYTHING, so I was happy about that. It just takes me back to a piece of advice that my friend Caitlin gave me years ago about saying YES to things. I'm not working right now, so I could just take off during the week and have an adventure. Santa Barbara was gorgeous, especially on the last day of the shoot. We had a lot of down time and a lot of time to just hang out and get to know each other.
I had no expectations that this would lead to a job or that I would make any sort of connections. I just went to go. And that was fine. I didn't think I was wasting any time. I had just spent the past month working on a new play. It was good to have a change of pace. And it was a good break.
That's all it needed to be: a break in the routine.
And now on to this week…
I am grateful that I got to be on the beach during the week.
I am grateful for beautiful weather.
I am grateful for pitstops at Soupplantation TWICE last week.
I am grateful for more clarity.
I am grateful for a totally supportive boyfriend.
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Inspiration List
I have a stack of books at home that I checked out from the library and I need to get to.
I'm trying to feed myself a healthy diet of good inspiration.
Here's what's on my desk these days:
The Fosse Biography - It's over 500 pages, I think. I shouldn't balk at that. I read The Circle by Dave Eggers a few months ago and raced through it. It was terrific. And I think the bio on Fosse should be fantastic. I just need to get to it. I have checked it out of the library for a second time. I have a bio on Robert Altman that I've read several times and I love. Fosse's also a character who I need to be familiar with as I work on research for this advertising play I'll be working on at some point.
Sam Shephard: Seven Plays - I've read a few of his plays. I think he's a brilliant playwright and I remember he was one of the few contemporary American playwrights my mentor gave me to read when I was in college. I don't think I've read enough of his work. So this collection, which seemed unopened at my Mom's local library, is worth my time and I don't think that anyone will be looking for it as I try and make my way through it.
Shirley MacLaine wrote a new book called What If - This is a book that I can skip through and read bits and pieces of. It's not demanding, but probably full of insight. So I'll read what I want to and then return it back to the library. I like hearing what women in their 70s have to say. There's a story there.
William Blake: The Complete Poems - I also checked this out from the library to read the Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience for this play that I just finished. That play actually has a lot to do with Experience and Innocence structurally. And there are things that are repeated from the different vantage points of Innocence and Experience, even though in my play we go from Experience to Innocence. So it's more of a touch stone and an idea that is similar rather than something I need to adapt or redraft. I'll be returning this to the library on my next visit. But literary inspiration is always a good thing, whether or not it actually inspires something. People like to know when you're thinking.
Tom Stoppard - I think I checked out both Travesties and The Invention of Love, two plays I haven't read. I have read Arcadia and Rosencranz and Gildenstern Are Dead. I might have read other plays of his. Oh, I read The Real Thing. So I wanted to read more and those are the two plays of his that were at this library.
I have a lot to read. I also have a few other books I bought a little while ago. There's a lot of reading to do. And it seems that I always find an excuse to get on Facebook, Twitter, Vulture, Entertainment Weekly, Deadline or any number of websites. I am in a constantly search to take in more and more information.
I am grateful that I am not stopping.
I am grateful that having all of these things to read has translated in a lot of projects I want to work on.
I am grateful to be in a constantly flow of inspiration.
I am grateful that my brain is working.
I am grateful that I am hungry for knowledge.
I'm trying to feed myself a healthy diet of good inspiration.
Here's what's on my desk these days:
The Fosse Biography - It's over 500 pages, I think. I shouldn't balk at that. I read The Circle by Dave Eggers a few months ago and raced through it. It was terrific. And I think the bio on Fosse should be fantastic. I just need to get to it. I have checked it out of the library for a second time. I have a bio on Robert Altman that I've read several times and I love. Fosse's also a character who I need to be familiar with as I work on research for this advertising play I'll be working on at some point.
Sam Shephard: Seven Plays - I've read a few of his plays. I think he's a brilliant playwright and I remember he was one of the few contemporary American playwrights my mentor gave me to read when I was in college. I don't think I've read enough of his work. So this collection, which seemed unopened at my Mom's local library, is worth my time and I don't think that anyone will be looking for it as I try and make my way through it.
Shirley MacLaine wrote a new book called What If - This is a book that I can skip through and read bits and pieces of. It's not demanding, but probably full of insight. So I'll read what I want to and then return it back to the library. I like hearing what women in their 70s have to say. There's a story there.
William Blake: The Complete Poems - I also checked this out from the library to read the Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience for this play that I just finished. That play actually has a lot to do with Experience and Innocence structurally. And there are things that are repeated from the different vantage points of Innocence and Experience, even though in my play we go from Experience to Innocence. So it's more of a touch stone and an idea that is similar rather than something I need to adapt or redraft. I'll be returning this to the library on my next visit. But literary inspiration is always a good thing, whether or not it actually inspires something. People like to know when you're thinking.
Tom Stoppard - I think I checked out both Travesties and The Invention of Love, two plays I haven't read. I have read Arcadia and Rosencranz and Gildenstern Are Dead. I might have read other plays of his. Oh, I read The Real Thing. So I wanted to read more and those are the two plays of his that were at this library.
I have a lot to read. I also have a few other books I bought a little while ago. There's a lot of reading to do. And it seems that I always find an excuse to get on Facebook, Twitter, Vulture, Entertainment Weekly, Deadline or any number of websites. I am in a constantly search to take in more and more information.
I am grateful that I am not stopping.
I am grateful that having all of these things to read has translated in a lot of projects I want to work on.
I am grateful to be in a constantly flow of inspiration.
I am grateful that my brain is working.
I am grateful that I am hungry for knowledge.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I spent all of February working on a new full first draft of a new play. I wrote 117 pages in 30 days. That's hugely impressive. Just for the sheer volume in that period of time. It obviously wasn't a polished draft, but it wasn't a shit show either.
And I heard that first draft on Friday night with my writer's group in a marathon of readings. I got notes and I have decided that I need to put the play down for at least a few weeks while I let all of that information digest. In the meantime, I have a new pilot I want to write.
That means that here I am on Monday, at the West Hollywood library with my two friends who I meet up with twice a week for a writing date. I have a regular writing routine that I adhere to every week. I do something every day that relates to my writing. That could be watching a TV show for research or a documentary or reading an article or reading a book or talking to someone. I am doing something every day. Some days I'm even writing. It's all productive.
But here I am again on another Monday starting a new project. I am like so many writers here at the library or at a Starbucks or a Coffee Bean or at the Intelligencia Coffee or at their home offices. We're thinking of new things to put out into the world. We're being inspired. We're going to the art museum to look at new exhibitions. We're Googling. We're interviewing someone. We're sitting in front of our laptops and desktops or ripping out pages from yellow legal pads. This goes on and on and on every day. It's a grind.
And even when the words aren't coming or I'm too tired because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I'm forcing myself to get my fingers working by writing a blog entry. It's something. It's a contribution.
That's the thing. I have to make a contribution every day. There needs to be something I'm doing just a little bit every day. And that adds up to a lot over time.
I have a stack of books at home that I need to get to. I'm constantly feeding my brain so that what I produce is enhanced. I am grass fed beef.
I am grateful that I got up this morning.
I am grateful that I thought to write something.
I am grateful that despite my frustration, I keep going.
I am grateful that I am an optimistic person.
I am grateful for my productivity.
I am grateful for insight.
And I heard that first draft on Friday night with my writer's group in a marathon of readings. I got notes and I have decided that I need to put the play down for at least a few weeks while I let all of that information digest. In the meantime, I have a new pilot I want to write.
That means that here I am on Monday, at the West Hollywood library with my two friends who I meet up with twice a week for a writing date. I have a regular writing routine that I adhere to every week. I do something every day that relates to my writing. That could be watching a TV show for research or a documentary or reading an article or reading a book or talking to someone. I am doing something every day. Some days I'm even writing. It's all productive.
But here I am again on another Monday starting a new project. I am like so many writers here at the library or at a Starbucks or a Coffee Bean or at the Intelligencia Coffee or at their home offices. We're thinking of new things to put out into the world. We're being inspired. We're going to the art museum to look at new exhibitions. We're Googling. We're interviewing someone. We're sitting in front of our laptops and desktops or ripping out pages from yellow legal pads. This goes on and on and on every day. It's a grind.
And even when the words aren't coming or I'm too tired because I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I'm forcing myself to get my fingers working by writing a blog entry. It's something. It's a contribution.
That's the thing. I have to make a contribution every day. There needs to be something I'm doing just a little bit every day. And that adds up to a lot over time.
I have a stack of books at home that I need to get to. I'm constantly feeding my brain so that what I produce is enhanced. I am grass fed beef.
I am grateful that I got up this morning.
I am grateful that I thought to write something.
I am grateful that despite my frustration, I keep going.
I am grateful that I am an optimistic person.
I am grateful for my productivity.
I am grateful for insight.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
First Drafts
First drafts of new works mother fucking suck.
There's no way around it. I dream, as a writer, of that first draft that is ready to make great fortunes and will make me a famous, rich, respected writer. But that is really a fantasy. Because no first draft is without flaw. No script, even in its tenth draft, is without law. And as much as I would welcome fame, riches and respect I have been writing enough that I know that the privilege to have ideas, to be able to articulate those ideas, and the honor of having more ideas down the pipeline is ample reward.
Now, I haven't always felt this way. And I certainly DO want to make a living as a writer. And by a living, I mean a real living. I mean a living where I can start setting up college funds for my niece and nephews and ensure a healthy, happy and safe old age for my mother. All of that great material fortune is welcomed by me.
But it's not why I write. It's not what motivates me to head to the desk every day. And if I don't get all of that material wealth, I won't stop writing. It doesn't have that power over me.
I write because I don't understand the world and I want to understand it better. I write because I have thoughts that need time to be cultivated. I have big ideas about things that need to be voiced and written down without abandon or filter. And that is what the first draft is for. My first drafts tend to be long and messy and marble-mouthed. They do not make sense from beginning to end. They have some wonderful thoughts and wonderful lines in them. But they are undercooked.
I have been writing long enough to know that this is what they need to be.
I took part in the Playwrights Union's annual month-long writing challenge. The challenge is to write a new play in a month. And I took that challenge to the max. I wrote 117 pages of new thoughts. The play I am writing is about a priest and it has nine sermons in it. So that's probably around 30 pages of straight up monologue. Plus the scenes in between. And I wrote a journal along the way that is about 64 pages right now (and counting).
Then I sat in a room with eight other playwrights who had new work and listened to my new play being read. It was painful in the usual ways. I know it's not finished. I know this is not the version of the play that I will be sending out to theaters this Fall with the hope of them giving me the chance to present it at any one of the many summer festivals in 2015. But I have two months to get it ready for another reading in May. And four months after that to get it ready for these submissions in the Fall.
I did something I never do during and after my play was read: I didn't beat myself up. Because I know it's not a polished draft. I do not expect it to be a polished draft. And I know that my naivety and my fun with this play is over to a degree. I now know what it is and what it can be, so the rest of my time will be spent chipping away at the proverbial slab of marble.
First drafts are hard because we want them to be so much more. But it helped that I was in the room with eight other writers in the same boat. We all want these plays to be more. We all were freaking out before the plays were read. We all know that there's a lot more work to be done. But we gave each other the thing that we needed (and did get back): unconditional support.
I used to hate other writers' work because I felt it made me better if I was extra judgey. I didn't do that this year. And as a result, I think I enjoyed the work more than I would have otherwise. I honestly heard eight plays that I had an interest in and that I had an attachment to. Some more than others and all for different reasons. But I'm going to go to all of the play readings this year and I'm going to enjoy them. I'm excited about our little grouping of plays and where they're going to go.
It certainly took off edge off of writing and hearing my first draft.
I am grateful that I'm not as much of an asshole as I used to be (at least in my head).
I am grateful that I didn't have to go through this experience alone.
I am grateful that I wrote 117 pages.
I am grateful that I met my own expectations.
I am grateful that I am getting a lot done by not focusing on my goals, but the systems that keep me productive and working every day.
There's no way around it. I dream, as a writer, of that first draft that is ready to make great fortunes and will make me a famous, rich, respected writer. But that is really a fantasy. Because no first draft is without flaw. No script, even in its tenth draft, is without law. And as much as I would welcome fame, riches and respect I have been writing enough that I know that the privilege to have ideas, to be able to articulate those ideas, and the honor of having more ideas down the pipeline is ample reward.
Now, I haven't always felt this way. And I certainly DO want to make a living as a writer. And by a living, I mean a real living. I mean a living where I can start setting up college funds for my niece and nephews and ensure a healthy, happy and safe old age for my mother. All of that great material fortune is welcomed by me.
But it's not why I write. It's not what motivates me to head to the desk every day. And if I don't get all of that material wealth, I won't stop writing. It doesn't have that power over me.
I write because I don't understand the world and I want to understand it better. I write because I have thoughts that need time to be cultivated. I have big ideas about things that need to be voiced and written down without abandon or filter. And that is what the first draft is for. My first drafts tend to be long and messy and marble-mouthed. They do not make sense from beginning to end. They have some wonderful thoughts and wonderful lines in them. But they are undercooked.
I have been writing long enough to know that this is what they need to be.
I took part in the Playwrights Union's annual month-long writing challenge. The challenge is to write a new play in a month. And I took that challenge to the max. I wrote 117 pages of new thoughts. The play I am writing is about a priest and it has nine sermons in it. So that's probably around 30 pages of straight up monologue. Plus the scenes in between. And I wrote a journal along the way that is about 64 pages right now (and counting).
Then I sat in a room with eight other playwrights who had new work and listened to my new play being read. It was painful in the usual ways. I know it's not finished. I know this is not the version of the play that I will be sending out to theaters this Fall with the hope of them giving me the chance to present it at any one of the many summer festivals in 2015. But I have two months to get it ready for another reading in May. And four months after that to get it ready for these submissions in the Fall.
I did something I never do during and after my play was read: I didn't beat myself up. Because I know it's not a polished draft. I do not expect it to be a polished draft. And I know that my naivety and my fun with this play is over to a degree. I now know what it is and what it can be, so the rest of my time will be spent chipping away at the proverbial slab of marble.
First drafts are hard because we want them to be so much more. But it helped that I was in the room with eight other writers in the same boat. We all want these plays to be more. We all were freaking out before the plays were read. We all know that there's a lot more work to be done. But we gave each other the thing that we needed (and did get back): unconditional support.
I used to hate other writers' work because I felt it made me better if I was extra judgey. I didn't do that this year. And as a result, I think I enjoyed the work more than I would have otherwise. I honestly heard eight plays that I had an interest in and that I had an attachment to. Some more than others and all for different reasons. But I'm going to go to all of the play readings this year and I'm going to enjoy them. I'm excited about our little grouping of plays and where they're going to go.
It certainly took off edge off of writing and hearing my first draft.
I am grateful that I'm not as much of an asshole as I used to be (at least in my head).
I am grateful that I didn't have to go through this experience alone.
I am grateful that I wrote 117 pages.
I am grateful that I met my own expectations.
I am grateful that I am getting a lot done by not focusing on my goals, but the systems that keep me productive and working every day.
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