Working on Something New

I'm working on a new play.
Yes, it seems like every year or so I'm working on a new play.
Part of the challenge for me is to experience playwriting in a new way. I don't just like to do it the way I did it before. It would be totally boring for me to have the same approach to all the work I do. I really like to mix it up.
I was asked by my dramaturg about the way I'm formatting my dialogue. If it had any meaning. And it's really so that I can start thinking about the play differently than I have the other plays I've worked on. This isn't really a play with a story. It's got a collective story, but it's more thematic in certain ways. And I want the story to emerge.
So I wanted to think about the dialogue in a different way.
I'm not writing straight across
sometimes I'm breaking up thoughts differently.
The idea is that it's read a bit more deliberately
and that there's a rhythm that's suggested.
I'm going instinctually.  I am not really putting a ton of
thought into it. That means that there's less dialogue on the page, but I still think there should be time taken.
If I wrote the dialogue like I write all of my dialogue and if I formatted in Final Draft
like I format everything, then the play would sound the same.
I'm thinking about word choice differently
because I'm taking time to hit the return button more often
this time around.
It gets me to think about word choice.
It also creates more space on the page.
And I've been writing pilot scripts and screenplays lately,
so those feel so formatted in a certain way.
I wanted to get my head out of that way of talking and formatting
so that the play's dialogue would feel different.
So that the play would feel different.
I have a bunch of scenes that have little or no dialogue.
I have some one page scenes.
I have scenes that are also longer than traditional 3 page max screen scenes.
I've got some theatrics and some overlapping.

My boyfriend just asked me if I was happy with my progress.
I'm trying really hard not to cringe whenever he asks that question,
although the question does make me cringe.
He's a drummer. He has a different way of looking at creativity.
And of course, he's so sweet for asking and being concerned. So I don't want to be a dick.
Although I am.
I'm such a dick and I'm so temperamental.
I'm such a stereotype in that way. I get grumpy and sad and quiet.
I like to spend a lot of time alone.
I dedicate my whole day to the creative process
so I like to get up at a reasonable hour, spend time in silence and write a bit.
Then I like to get distracted with other things and read a bit.
I did a lot of research today and tonight.
I did some writing today and tonight.
I read over 100 pages of The Andy Cohen Diaries, actually closer to 200.
Some pages I skimmed, but I read 85 percent of those 200 pages that I covered.
That was really what I did today and I want to read more before I go to bed.
I could literally go to bed at 5 AM when I have so many other things I need to be doing.
And I need to be sleeping.
But I don't feel like it.
I feel energized.
Maybe there will be more for me to write later, like at 4 AM.
Who knows?

Over the summer,
my hours were 9-5 or 10-6
Monday through Friday
and i didn't work on weekends, for the most part.
Now that I don't have an office, my work days are long
and unfocused.
I start around 10 or 11 and I'm breaking and writing until 1 or 2 or 3 in the morning.
I am enjoying this too.
I'm doing the intake and the output simultaneously.
It's like stuffing myself with food while I sit on the toilet and expel it.
That's gross.
And this is a little cross as well.
It's a constant steady stream of activity and information coming in.

So it's not just that I'm working on something new, but I'm working in new ways.
It's not easy to change the approach when so many of the factors
Involved in putting this piece together are not my usual ways of working.
I can't fall back on what's familiar.
And that's good.

I am grateful for strength.
I am grateful for 115 pages. And counting.
I am grateful for The Andy Cohen Diaries.
I am grateful for stories.
I am grateful for the 4 hours I spent in relative silence today.

Stop Keeping Score

I'm trying out something new.

I used to be very goal-oriented.

Five pages this hour.
Ten pages this week.
Finish Act One by Friday.
Lose ten pounds this month.

I'm trying not to keep score any more. Because I get freaked out. I feel like a failure if I haven't reached that number. And it doesn't feel good. Some people would say that it's the feeling of feeling awful that is a catalyst to getting work done.

I call bullshit.

Suffering is not going to make me better or work harder. Sure, it's our ability to withstand suffering and to be okay with being miserable that keeps us at the work. But I no longer seek it out. If suffering happens, I can withstand it. But I don't willingly invite it inside.

My more recent approach is to just sit down when I can and focus on the work. Right now, it's every day. And that's definitely preferable. But I realize that as a single, childless male I have an advantage. When I have less time to dedicate to the thinking, the pursuit, and the practice of writing, I'm in a better place. That doesn't mean I stop living or enjoying life.

But this numbers game and this setting page goals for the week isn't the way I get motivated. But if I say, I'm going to write every day and not attach a goal for what I need to get done, then I'm in a better place to be productive. Last year, that method of working got me to five scripts for the year. Now, the mistake in going into this year would be to try and top that. My circumstances for this year are different. I am looking for full time employment. And I am developing a play this year with a theatre company over nine months time. So most of my year will be spent working on at least three drafts of this play. I think that's plenty. I have a pilot I'm rewriting and have my third draft of the year that I'm working on already. That's not to brag. That's to remind myself that I'm getting stuff done. Because the internal monologue in my head is telling me I'm lazy.

That approach to not keeping score and not being so goal-oriented spreads out to other things as well. Of course, it makes me appreciate my journey. And it discourages me from comparing my journey to someone else's. I don't have time to compare myself to other people any more. And frankly, it feels shitty. Thankfully, every time I do it, it feels shittier and shittier. So I'm hoping that soon I'll be done with it all together. But it still gets me from time to time.

I prefer to live in a world where I share what I know and other people share what they know. I like the potluck approach to a writing community: everyone brings something and everyone takes a bit of everything.

I'd rather be a friend than a competitor. I learned that lesson last year too. Much better to be a cheerleader and a friend. And if someone doesn't want to be my cheerleader, then eventually they'll filter themselves out of my life. It's not something I have to worry about. Anymore.

I am grateful for quiet Saturday nights.
I am grateful for documentaries.
I am grateful for the theatre and its process.

Two Sides to Every Story

I'm trying to write more scenes from this new play I'm working on. Today I have been successful at getting a check for some work I did, eating, watching a PBS special on Antony and Cleopatria hosted by Kim Cattrall, researching and watching the Independent Spirit Awards.

In my internet searching/procrastination, I ran into a clip from the TV Show The Real where Adrienne Bailon, one of the hosts and R&B Singer, was asked why she doesn't sing professionally anymore.  She goes onto explain that she's afraid of not being successful and that she doesn't like the sound of her own voice. All the women on the panel start breaking down, then Tamar Braxton starts speaking. Tamar put out her first solo album at age 35. Tamar said that she now understood why she wasn't Mariah Carey at age 18, like she wanted to be. But she wasn't in it for the music, she was in it for the accolades. Then she advised Adrienne that maybe it's not happening for her because she's not ready yet. She told Adrienne that she's got to be in love with the music, not the stuff that comes with the music.

Something about that hit home for me. I have grown fond of a passage from the Bhagvad Gita that states that we can only lay claim to our labor, but not the fruits of our labor. I repeat that quote to everyone I know. I've mentioned it on the blog at least 20 times or so. And that passage has become so important to be because I moved to LA awhile ago to pursue a career as a TV writer. When I was in graduate school, I had a professor who encouraged me and said that I could have a career if I wanted it. He was someone who was very successful as well. So I took that advice to heart.

And I got close several times to things, but nothing ever solidified. Nothing happened on a certain level. I also have one regret that I have held onto for a long time. About six months after I had moved to town, I had gotten a job with a manager who also signed me. Around Christmas time that year, I had an agent who wanted to sign me and I left it up to my manager to handle it. He didn't think it was a good idea and then he said he'd handle it and never did. Now knowing how hard it is to get an agent, for a long time I regretted that mistake. I learned a few lessons (years later) from that. I learned that I can't put the power of my life and well-being into some one else's hands. It would be years until I figured that out. Then I thought about the person I might be if that had happened. I might have been successful. I might be rich now. I might have gotten all the things I wanted: fame and recognition. Then I would have spent the rest of my life seeking out that sort of validation. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been happy or learned to cope. I might have stunted myself as a writer by being stuck as a comedy guy. The truth is that I'll never know if it would have been better or worse.

But here's what I can say about my experience in pursuing a career in the business. It was nothing but me putting my happiness in a remote control car and giving someone else the remote. I never knew what would happen. I never knew if I would be okay. I was not in control.

And here's the thing I now know about myself. I didn't want it for the right reasons. I am a talented writer who fell in love with writing because it was a unique gift I had and could share. It helped me cope with a difficult childhood. Then I got to grad school and started thinking about what would happen if all of these dreams came true. Then the dream became more important. The money and accolades and recognition became all I wanted. I would have done anything, written anything, said anything just to get that nut. And my passion for the art was gone. The thrill of the chase was alive and well. But I didn't know who I was as a writer.

Then life intervened and other things became more important. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I am now in a place where I love writing and I will continue to do it because I love it. So if the reward is that I got the love of writing back, then I am perfectly happy. If  my path takes me in other directions, then I will ride that wave. But I won't give up my love of writing and I won't stop fighting for my voice to be heard.

I see certain peers of mine in their pursuit of the golden ticket. I understand that feeling. I remember what that feels like. It's a bit like being sober and watching your friends who may not have a problem drinking. It was my problem not theirs. It's fine that they are in pursuit of it. For me, the anxiety of not feeling like I was good enough--which I did to myself--is not worth it. I would rather make room for happiness.

And on the other hand, when you're ready for it, and when you do it for the love of it then maybe those things come. And if they come, I welcome them. And if they don't come, I am happy at the place I'm at now.

It's funny that it took an episode of a talk show to speak to me. But inspiration comes from everywhere.

I am grateful for wisdom that doesn't hide itself.

I am grateful for TV.

I am grateful for the productivity.

The Value of Alone Time

I'm a writer, which means I spend a lot of time in my head. Too much time if you asked my boyfriend. Too much time if you asked my family and non-writing friends. And if you asked my writing friends, they'd say to take all the time I need.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be friends with everyone, and I thought there was something wrong with spending time by myself. That's because I spent a lot of time by myself and not by choice. I was a loner, but not in that cool James Dean or James Franco way. Not in the way that great novelists spend time alone. It wasn't hip to be reclusive when I was 10 or 12. It just meant that I was ostracized. It just meant that I was different and strange.

But somewhere along the way, I got comfortable with being alone. Maybe it's once I spent time with friends, which was a new experience for me as I got into my high school and college years. Once I realized that people did like me and could like me, I got comfortable with my alone time again. And once I started writing, I realized what I comfort it was to be alone in my thoughts. Not just comforting, but a necessity. I really need to be by myself.

My boyfriend's a drummer and he gigs a lot. So I am alone a lot these days.  Necessarily alone. I can't create a world unless I've got the silence of my own head. Sure, I then need to let the idea breathe and become someone else and that's why collaboration is vital and essential. Eventually, I need to get out of my own head. But that impetus is necessary and that only exists in stillness. I can spend whole days alone and hours in silence. Whenever I drive to the Bay Area, I spend most of the time  in silence because that's when the ideas pop out. Then I get a notepad and I write them down or I make a stop and I pull out my lap top and start jotting down ideas.

It's amazing what can happen when you turn of the noise, when you let go of having to come up with a brilliant idea that will change the world and you just listen.

So today, like most days, I am by myself. I went to the library today and just did some jotting down ideas of scenes that I need to have in this new play of mine. I wrote a bunch of the actual script yesterday. But today I just needed to think about who these characters are and what scenes I am interested in writing. I sat by myself and had lunch. I drank my tea and my water and ate my kung pao chicken in silence thinking. I walked to my car alone. I drove to the library alone and then came home. I am sitting on this bed typing right now knowing that I've got at least six or seven more hours of alone time until my boyfriend gets home. And I relish it. It's so good to have this time to think and write and procrastinate and waste time and be inspired.

It's good to commit to the time and space it takes for ideas to grow. Other influences are great, but ultimately it's just me and that page and I can't be afraid of it. I can't let anything, especially fear, get in the way of me filling that blank page. And the best thing about being alone is that I can be as strange, as odd, as weird, as complicated and as embarrassing as I need to be.

No one's watching.

I am grateful for stillness.
I am grateful for time.
I am grateful for the patience I have to let these ideas happen.
I am grateful for certainty.
I am grateful for the unknown.
I am grateful for curiosity.

Dear White People? (Not All White People)

I've been reading a lot of posts lately on Facebook from friends who are issuing a challenge. They want the makers of TV, Film and Theatre to acknowledge people of color in the kinds of shows they put on the air. I agree with this. There should be more shows with cast members who represents all colors, shades and types of people. People of color are having a banner year, it seems on TV: How to Get Away With Murder, Black-ish, Jane the Virgin, Fresh Off the Boat and Empire  all made giant splashes in their debut seasons.

We're a trend. And even though most of us have ambivalence about being a trend versus being the standard, we know that in this capitalist, market-driven world trends matter. But we also know that trends usually give way to different trends. Maybe next year it will be the Year of the Woman. Maybe the Year of the Idiot after that. And maybe even Year of the Goat at some point. But here's the question: How do we grow beyond being a trend?

And who determines our trendiness? Something about all of this acknowledgement doesn't sit well with me. And I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Is this the year America finally gets it? So many of us are hoping so. But the shows mentioned have primarily casts of one particular race. Or the subject matter involves one central race. The big exception is the Shondaverse, which does make me happy. And it does look like more multiracial casts are on their way.

I do love this.

But I still have that feeling that we're all waiting around for permission. And we're all desperate to make sure that the trend lasts. But trends don't last.

I've heard folks talk about wanting TV to reflect what exists in the world. In most major cities, there are people of all colors hanging out together. And if they're not hanging out together, all mixed up, then they're all mixed up at work, whether people like it or not.

Here's what I'm not seeing that I think would help.

Casts that look colorful just to be colorful. Because people of all sorts of African, Asian and Latino descents speak English and go to college and fuck around on their spouses and lie and shit their pants and take care of their ailing parents.  That's the world I live in. And I wish the stages and screens reflected that. Especially the stages.

So I'm asking my friends to cast their readings and their play productions with people who aren't always white. When you can. I know…sometimes they have to be white. And sometimes these plays take place in places where there aren't a lot of minorities. And some of these plays are about families. But families have step kids. They have mixed marriages. And here's the thing: You Don't Have to Talk About It. It doesn't necessarily change the dynamic.

Casting Directors need to do the same thing. When I was assisting on a show for USA, we brought in blonde actors and East Indian Actors and Black Actors for the same role.  Even when the role didn't call for "ethnic!" Isn't that amazing?

Really, that's it.

I'm not asking for colorblind.  I'm asking for color-ful.

Make an effort! It would make me feel better. That's enough, right?

Listen, this is an ongoing conversation. But I think that's an easy way to make sure that our productions are colorful all day every day. Not just when a trend comes around and an invitation is sent out. This can happen now. It's really fucking easy.

I am grateful for my voice.
I am grateful for being biracial.
I am grateful for friends who feel me.
I am grateful for time to write.

Groundhog Day

Okay, so yesterday was ACTUALLY Groundhog Day.

But every time I start a new project, it feels like I'm starting all over from scratch. It's like I've never written anything in my life.

I get nervous.
I get sweaty.
I start worrying.

Resistance grabs a hold of me and I get involved in all of my anxiety.

Last year, I had to remind myself every time I started a new project that I knew what I was doing. That I wasn't lazy or stupid or incompetent.  I had to Stuart Smiley myself every single time. But I have a short term memory and I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough.

So here I am again.

I have been working on a rewrite of a TV pilot that I started in October. I've been reworking it since the end of November/ beginning of December. And I've been on top of the rewrite in earnest since January. I have been productive. I have been working hard, even though I have not been reworking pages every day since the beginning of November. But I had to reconceptualize and it takes a while to figure something out after it feels so airtight. And I'm still working on it, but now it's time to start on this new play because I have a reading of it in four weeks.

I'm trying to stay engaged in the work and not worry about what's going to happen to the work. I'm trying to enjoy that part of it.

But now I'm finding myself getting ready to sit down and I think:

How do I start a play?
Do I write characters down?
Do I start with scenes?
Do I just start free writing?

The good news is that I have a journal I have been keeping with thoughts about the play. I know certain things.

• Eight Actors
• Four of those characters are in high school
• Four of those characters are adults and will play multiple characters
• There is one event that repeats itself at least three times
• The audience plays a role
• There are procedures that happen
• There might be a drum sound or a cajone.

Then I think I'm going to write in my journal. And write some scenes and see where they fall. But that's how I'm starting this play. And that's partially because I have seriously forgotten how to write and how to start a play. So every time I really start "playing." I fuck around. I try things out. I don't get locked down to a certain way of doing things.

And then it all depends on the kind of play I'm writing.

Last year I wrote a play that happened backward in time and had a big reveal in the middle of it. So I had to outline scenes so that things would track. I had music in it, which I like to do a lot. I also had these huge sermons in it, so I did have a tentpole, which I mounted the play on.

Two years before that I wrote a play that had a linear structure, but again, there were these scenes where couples had to create a web page. And then there was a counseling session and an adoption interview. I like rituals I guess. They give me something to hold onto. I had scenes that were about an activity. The play was structured around those activities.

This play is going to be less plot driven and structured, so I'm not going to plot out my story. I have things that I would like to have happen and then I'm going to structure it around that. I like to treat each play individually and create it in a way that will reflect its structure.

So maybe that's why I don't know how to write THIS play. Or any play when I start. Because I treat them all individually and I don't judge them by the way I wrote the last one. I don't compare them to each other. I raise each one differently, depending on the personality of that child--I mean, PLAY.

So even though today starts like every other first day of school, the year will prove to be completely different based on the things that happen. This play has its own individual rules, vibes, feel and attitude. I'm excited to see what it grows up to be.

I am grateful for the beginnings of things.

I am grateful for grace.

I am grateful for enthusiasm.

I am grateful for good energy.

I am grateful for good friends.

I am grateful to be productive.

I am grateful to feel good.

I am grateful to have written today.

I am grateful to have applied for a job today.

I am grateful for the things ahead of me.

But You Gotta Have Friends...

Having friends who are smart, supportive and positive are what gets me through the constantly daily activity of creating.

Last night, the Playwrights Union had our annual kick-off for our February Writing Challenge. The Writing Challenge is when we all write a play in a month. It's an ambitious way to start the year, but it's also the thing that gets us all off of our asses. We gathered at a bar in Los Feliz to have a drink and catch up. During the evening we all shared with each other what we were working on.

This is what I love about the Playwrights Union: they are a bunch of smart, like-minded individuals who talk about smart things and write about things that concern them. I am writing a play that has eight actors in it with some doubling and it was encouraging to get support from my fellow playwrights. We had some newer members there last night who I was getting to know. I shared with one writer my love of Steven Pressfield's books, including The War of Art and the latest one TurningPro. He didn't know that Pressfield had a new book out and he ordered it off of Amazon right on the spot. Another friend and I talked about the difficulty of having relationships when you're an artist. It seems that we're strange creatures that civilians don't understand because we're obsessed and idiosyncratic.  Another friend talked to me about the TV pilots she was reading and what she was learning from them. Then we agreed to swap pilots and help each other out.

I left feeling really grateful for these friendships I have forged. Four years ago, I was looking for an artistic community. And I found them in the Playwrights Union. I needed these sorts of friendships and support from real creative people. And these are people who are trying to bring what they do to television and film. It's a real creative hub.

And in less than a month, we will be gathering in people's homes, huddled around each other, reading each other's new plays that we have created over a weekend. Sixteen new plays, presumably. Even though some of us will drop out. Some of us won't finish. But it's not the end product that's important here. It's gathering and supporting each other as we make time for our work. As creative people, we have to honor the work we do by giving it the time and space it deserves.

I have seen friendships come and go in the past year. And what I'm left with is that the people who are still in my life are the ones who are the most generous, loving and supportive. They want the best for me. And the ones whose insecurities are getting the best of them are not as present in my life. It's difficult because being insecure is par for the course. But when that's all you can see and when all you can see is competition, then you're missing out on the richness of support.

So now I have to take all of that good will and support and lock myself in a room for a few hours…

I am grateful for creative friendships.
I am grateful for like-mindedness.
I am grateful for work to keep me occupied.
I am grateful for love in my life.